Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Oh, then we're going to finish. It was the cabin of an airplane. He stabbed him with an icicle. And the horse came riding.

No shit. Oh, Sherlock, it's Hey Riddle Riddle. I'm Adal Rifai. I'm JPC.

And I'm Erin Keif.

And we are in your basement.

Are we?

Both sides of your basement.

Are basements regional in the United States? I feel like some houses don't have basements.

So there are places like I think in, because Mariah's from Miami. Mariah's from Miami. They can't have basements there because it's below sea level.

Same with Nollins. They bury their dead in the sky.

They shoot them in t-shirt cannons. At houses. But yeah, where I'm from in Indiana, everybody had basements, and that's where you frickin' hung out.

That's where you keep your guns and your tanks. And their moms. I don't think England has basements.

Yeah, they do, but they call them darial flats.

Hey Erin, do you mind if we go back to the fun premise I had that we're in the listener's basement?

Sure.

I just wanted to clarify who has basements.

Do you mind? Erin, do they have basements in Boston? Okay, great. Hey, we're in your basement.

And we're not going to do anything weird. We're just doing some laundry.

See, what happened was our machine broke. Our machine broke. Because we tried to wash a dog in it. We put spaghetti in a washer.

We're going to be really quiet and then the next noise you hear from your basement is us.

Listen, one, two.

Did you hear that? Did you hear that? That was us in your basement.

That was Erin throwing a dog.

Hey Riddle Riddle. Oh, I'm so sad and sorry.

I would have said cream, but sweetener works.

Yeah, sweetener. Okay.

Yes.

So I'm an old man puzzles and I have some... Middle-aged. I have middle-aged puzzles. I'm young puzzles. How dare you?

Erin acquiesced to middle-aged so easily. She was like, yeah, that's nice. And then wait. Oh. Yeah. Erin, you're canonically 19 years old.

Yeah, I have some listeners submitted. This is like warm up riddles, but they're just like riddles. And then I have some bad news after that.

Oh, I'll take the bad news first, please.

And we're going to focus on the task at hand.

I want my ice cream for dinners.

So a listener named Mark Stone, and he gave us permission to use his name. Made up name. It's a made up name. That's why we got permission. Sent us some riddles and I'm going to do some of them. Not all of them. I'm going to save them because they're very, very good. Nice. And they're also like a little maddening in a way that I think you'll appreciate. Are you ready?

Yes please. So they're about football? Mm-hmm. Ready?

I'm cute as a button.

Erin.

They did it. They said it.

Erin's soul just went up to heaven. And her body's giving a monologue.

I'm cute as a button filled with rings, music sings, visitor brings.

Cuse a button filled with rings. Somebody's been married a few times. Cell phone. Music sings, visitor brings.

Oh, cell phone. Oh, cell phone.

You drop it in the bucket. iPhone. Telephone.

Visitor brings. Visitor brings. I'm cute as a button, filled with rings. Music sings, visitor brings.

Keys. You drop the keys in the bowl if you visit the house. Oh, sex party, fuck house. Sex party, fuck house. Eyes wide shut. Visitor brings. Visitor brings. Pie, cake, sugar. Full of rings. Trees. Trees are full of rings. Stumped.

Rings.

I'm stumped.

So it's cute as a button and it makes music. Jack of the Box. It's an indication that a visitor.

Doorbell. Yes.

Doorbell is small and cute. Yes. As a button. As a button. Like Erin. Build musical rings that only sound when a visitor presses it.

I would say that Erin's small like a button.

I'm itty bitty like a little button.

And you swallow those rings.

Okay, I have a question.

Those apple rings?

Exactly. All right, so we are in an animated movie about three different buttons who fell off of a coat. Okay, and I want everyone to give me what their button voice is.

Okay, who would you like to start?

Whoever feels inspired.

Oh, Adal wants to start.

I can't believe we fell off this coach. I landed face down in a puddle and I gotta say that I'm not feeling so hot. My back's got a crick in it.

All right, so you're the young, fun, sexy one.

That's exactly right. It's kind of a Shawn Mendes button.

JVC.

If I'm being an artist, I can't even believe I was on the same coat as you. Hugh Grant has a button.

Erin Keif.

All right, I'm in between two different characters now. Okay. A little boy who's along for the ride, and no one takes seriously, or the love interest.

I already know we could pull bullshit.

Do you like how I'm a circle? Can we combine them into a little love interest? Wait, also are they making an animated movie of Hey Riddle Riddle? Are they?

Yeah, it's called the little love interest.

Aww.

And we're not in it. We're not in it. We don't have any creative control either.

If a lumberjack yells, Timber, when a tree is cut down, what does the tree yell? Fuck you! Um, my tree doesn't say anything because there's nobody in the forest to hear it. My throat. Is it funny if a lumberjack chops on a tree and yells Tim Burton?

Oh, yeah.

Is that something? Oh, I'd like to see a scene. Great. Adal, you're a lumberjack. JPC, you're a tree. You want to see a scene? JPC.

Yes, I'm a tree.

Tree. Adal, lumberjack. And you are just trying to convince him that like, not today.

Who? JPC? Yes.

No, no, no.

Yes, give it to me.

I should get my axe up here and chop it down. Pardon me, sir. Are you to begin hitting this tree with the axe with the end? My name is the Lorax. I spit for this tree.

Gasoline, gasoline, gasoline, fire, match, gun, gun, gun, gun, gun. Stab, stab, stab, stab. It's me, Danny DeVito.

Did it work?

And the nominees for best Hey Riddle scene of all time. The nominees are Lumberjack tries to cut down Tree, cut to JPC, just nodding knowingly in the audience, wearing just a sparkly bow tie and nothing else. Erin Keif as Boston Superman.

All right, we cut to Erin Keif in the audience. She's eating four pints of Ben and Jerry's with one spoon.

And the sparkly both died.

And those are the only two nominees.

And the winner is... Adita Menzel.

Adele and Azim.

The wickedly talented. Adele and Azim.

You won't get the answer until you give up guessing.

Oh boy. I give up. Branch out. You stumped me. You stumped me? Stumped me? You stumped me. I'm stumped. I'm stumped. That's great Adal.

That's great Adal.

That's a great... Mark Stone? What's this guy's name? Mark Stone? Isn't that an Audioslave song? Nice.

Are you ready for another one? Yes. I enter hand in hand, yet seen with no one, and by the time you know I'm there, I'm past. I enter hand in hand, am seen with no one, by the time Germs, although Gremlin, I enter hand in hand, yet seen with no one, and by the time you know I'm there, am passed.

Midnight. Oh, it's gonna be like a clock. Midnight. Hand in hand. Noon.

No! Noon! Welcome to noon!

Welcome to noon. Welcome to noon. Oh boy.

Isn't that an awesome one? That's great. That's my favorite. That's a really good one. Was it Mike Stone or Mark Stone? Wait, let me make sure. Mark Stone.

Mark Stone, if you are ever in Chicago, you have an open invitation to try and knock on one of our doors. And Mike Snow.

I think I bought one of your albums once.

Mark Stone.

And Snow Patrol.

Are you still around? I did listen to a Snow Patrol concert from outside of a concert venue one time. It's an open air concert venue. What do you want, a fucking thumbs up? Don't know the music. Don't know them music. Don't know the music.

I got another one. Okay.

Can we make Mark an unofficial co-host?

Yes. Hello, Mark. Welcome. You get paid $5 a year and you get paid in pennies that JBC throws at you.

This guy's getting double what I get? What the fuck?

Alright, this last one is from Paul Tucker, who's an improviser. He told me to call him P-Funk on the show, but I'm not going to do that, Paul Tucker. He is one of the nicest men in show business.

Do you know this person?

I know this person, he's great. Truly so kind, it makes you not trust him, because you're like, no one's this nice.

I don't know him and I don't trust him.

You're on a planet the same size as Earth.

Earth too.

The same distance from the sun. The planet has nothing on the surface. You're standing on one hemisphere and need to get to the other hemisphere. But on this planet, instead of an equator, there's a canyon with sheer cliffs that go all the way around the planet.

It is 100 feet deep and 100 feet across.

You have a bucket half full of water, an unlimited amount of rope, and three ladders, each 10 feet long. How do you get across?

You jump because in space there's no gravity.

That's a great answer, but not the answer.

Okay, you have, there's a chasm 100 feet deep and 100 feet long. And you have to get across. And the planet is the same size and shape as Earth. Got it.

JPC, can I see your orgasm face? Orgasm? When you have an orgasm?

Yeah, an orgasm. Looks like meat's back on the menu. Oh! Oh! Legolas! Yes, okay. Thank you. We got that out of the way. Three ladders, each in feet, unlimited supply of rope, and a bucket. Half full of water. Half full of water, okay.

And it's a planet like Earth but what was the other stipulation?

The three ladders are 10 feet long.

10 feet long. And what was the beginning part? It's like Earth but it's...

You're standing in one hemisphere and need to get the other hemisphere, but on the planet, instead of an equator, there's a canyon with sheer cliffs that go all the way around the planet. It is 100 feet deep and 100 feet across. You have a bucket full of, half full of water, and unlimited amount of rope in three ladders, each 10 feet long. How do you get across? Focus on the second half of this riddle.

Wait, if it's, if it's canyons all the way around, wouldn't that be like an isolated chunk in the middle so you could just walk across to the other hemisphere?

No.

No, it's like anywhere that in order to get to the other hemisphere you have to cross a chasm that is a hundred feet long and a hundred feet deep.

Isn't this the plot to north?

Yes, this is.

My hint for you is focus on the second half of this. Which was the ropes and ladders.

Yeah, ropes and ladders. So you have three ladders equaling 10 feet per each 10 feet. So 30 feet of ladder, my favorite Russell Croban, unlimited rope, bucket half full of water.

Okay, you dip the ropes in water, wait for it to freeze. You dip the ropes in the water.

Is this like a math thing?

Nope. And another hint is only one item matters.

The bucket of water. No, the infinite rope. The rope. Hang yourself and get out of this riddle.

Oh my god!

No, so am I supposed to use this rope to rappel down into the canyon? Nope. Oh, use tight rope walk.

No, there's one word that you're focused on.

Infinite. There cannot be an infinite amount of rope.

In this planet there is.

You throw it and catch the other end. It's gone all the way around the world. You tie it together and you walk it.

If there truly is an infinite amount of rope, I just fill the canyon with infinite rope and then walk across the rope.

And you said this guy's great?

Yeah, he did say though, if you hate this, I totally understand.

Wow, that is a great thing for him.

He was super apologetic and sorry.

That's a super nice guy thing to say.

It's Paul Tucker. He's wonderful. He's also a listener of the show and is really kind and lovely.

Okay. Well, Paul... Can we make Paul a co-host?

Yeah. We get paid $5 a year and we get paid in pennies.

I will pelt you with 250 pennies if I ever meet you Paul. That is a compliment coming from me. That's a JPZ guarantee. And that's a JBZ guarantee.

Alright, so here comes the bad news. I'm gonna put you in charge of this.

Wait, Adal knows the bad news?

Yes, so Erin and I were doing world news the other night and afterwards... Wait, you guys changed the show when you were doing world news the other night? Yeah, we don't do tonight anymore. We wanted you out of the cast, we didn't want to confront you.

Yeah, this is like a... what's that binfold song? Oh, a brick. Yeah, a brick. You guys aborted me.

Are we ready to talk about the bad, bad news?

So the Discord crew that's on our- Can we call them Discord assholes?

Yes.

Okay, the Discord assholes.

We'll call them Discordalies. Okay. This is your Discordalie review. They banded together. This is from the Patreon, the Discord people on the Patreon. They banded together. They put together some money, which this had to be a healthy chunk of change because these are all brand new books, fresh off the press, and they bought us 14 or 15 more books in the series Stories with Holes by Nathan Levi. Oh boy.

Holy crap, we have a billion.

Stories with holies crap. So Kelly P dropped those off for us, and it says here, we got a little card. It says, because your tomfoolery gives us a lift, we'd like to thank you with this whittle gift. Love to discord crew.

Did the Lorax write that? What the fuck?

No, we chopped him down. We're going to quote unquote thank slash curse Jeff Forsey, Holly Hilton, Kelly P, Carol Brake. I'm friends with Kelly. I never know how to say her last name. I know this. Pelzneski. Carol Brake, Tim Steves, Courtney T, Lindsay, Sophie, JD Lowe, Lazer, Erin Kelly, Bonsai.

We met Lazer. Lazer came to a World News show.

Oh, that's right. And he was going... Laser was going to marry one of my younger Jewish daughters.

Ha ha! That's well.

Yeah, that's very nice.

He was named after that. Laser, I know a lot of trivia about you. Okay.

But we, yeah, as everyone who's listened knows, we hate stories with holes in them.

Personally scorn each and every one of them. I'm going to put a specific curse on each of those.

What's that thing called in Mean Girls? Burn Book. No, Cool Mom. That's fine. We're going to start being Burn Book. But we are going to use them. So you give us a puzzle book, we use a puzzle book. So every one of these books will be used. You've kept the show going for another 20 episodes. You've kept Erin and I's insanity no longer.

Yep, and now I am in charge of some of them. It's not just JPC anymore.

I will say that I've never been on the other side of a story with holes. I will also say that on the guessing side, I will say that I have explained the rules to you every time. You have never done the rules, right? You insist on just guessing answers instead of asking questions, so I'm very excited to play this game.

This is gonna burn a hole through your heart. So they were pulled over? Are Rocky and Biff people in a car?

They got pulled over. They didn't do anything wrong. Oh, they're part of that. What was that Stanford prison experiment? No.

Is there something wrong with the car?

Nope.

Is prisoner in this sense, meaning like black and white stripes, handcuffs kind of like old type, like what we think of when we think of jail time?

When did I say prisoner?

You said they called ahead.

About their prisoners, I could say that at the end.

Is it like in jail, prisoners? Yeah, but maybe... Were they calling a police dispatch?

No.

Were they calling a jail?

No.

They were prisoners. Can you read the story one more time?

Yep. Rocky and Biff were pulled over by two policemen and placed under arrest. Both men were shocked. They had done nothing wrong. As the police cruiser pulled away, the policemen called ahead about their prisoners.

When it says both men, is that in reference to the policemen?

Both men were shocked. Rocky and Biff.

They had done nothing wrong. They just pulled that car over and then they let them go but then they called the head about different prisoners.

Nope. Again, remember what we're reading and remember how absolutely batshit crazy it is.

Okay, so... Oh, Shocked has to do electric chair. They were ghosts.

No.

Him's a ghost.

Nope. Does the gender of the police people matter? No. Okay. They were shocked.

They had done nothing wrong.

They shocked a big part of it? Nope. Is it Rocky and Biff going to jail? Nope. Were they going to do something wrong in the future?

Nope.

Are Rocky and Biff the prisoners?

That's what they say, that's the word they use, but I don't think they're going to jail. They're definitely not going to jail.

Did Rocky and Biff commit a crime? Nope. Were Rocky and Biff expected to be at a place?

Yes.

Were they invited to be at this place?

Yes, but they might think it's different. It's a theme party.

It's a Halloween theme party. Nope. Costume party. It's a... It's a key party. Fuck party. No. Fuck mansion. Eyes wide shut. It's a party. Mm-hmm. Cops and robbers party.

Nope.

It's a... It is a party. They were going to a party?

Yeah, they might not.

It's not Halloween. It's not costume. It's not... Surprise party. Mm-hmm. It's a surprise party. Oh, so they delayed them?

Yup, so are you ready? Yes. Rocky and Biff were twins. Their friends had planned a surprise party for them. They had planned to get them to the party by arranging with the police force to pick up the twins. The call ahead by the policeman was to warn the guests at the party that Rocky and Biff were on their way.

And mosquitoes. And mosquitoes. Now this is a common thing with police forces. You can call them and ask them to help you out with your friend's birthday parties. You just call 911. Well, we're going to see that scene.

JPC just pulled over Erin. She said nothing wrong, but you're trying to delay her for a special something.

Excuse me, ma'am. License and registration. Ma'am, please don't start with the Waterworks License and Registration.

Ma'am wins.

No, it's not. Alright, I'm gonna see the license from both of you.

Okay, let me see these licenses. Do you know why I pulled you over?

It's okay.

Do you know why I pulled you over? No, it's because you were speeding.

Now I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to lock both of you up.

We're gonna lock us up.

Well, I'm going to handcuff you. to my poll.

Mobile Stripping Car. That's when it stops becoming a job and starts becoming a career. Career, yeah.

Ready?

Yes. Also, I'm so sorry, can somebody photoshop the poster of twins to just be two David DeVito's? I think also... Because that's the funniest fucking thing. I'm the David DeVito and Erin goes, and I'm the David DeVito.

It was the funniest thing. Someone has photoshopped twins for this podcast before, I think. The twins poster? I think so. Or maybe it's big.

We're a bad podcast. It's really a bad podcast.

Don't waste your time.

Ready. Yes. The Peeping Tom was observed looking into windows time after time. Peeping Kevin. No one reported him to the police and even when the police did see him, they ignored him.

The residents of the house he was peeping on were dead.

Was the person who was looking in the window supposed to be looking in windows?

No.

Wait, repeat the story. I think I legit know the answer. Yeah, me too.

Maybe Tom was observed looking into windows time after time. No one reported him to the police. And even when the police did see him, they ignored him.

Is he a window washer?

Not blind. Not a window washer. Great frickin questions. I'm so proud of both of you.

Was his job, did it cause him to be near windows?

Is this a dog named Peeping Tom?

Pretty close. Cat? Yes. Peeping Tom was a tomcat.

And mosquitoes.

And twins.

And twins. JPC, when you do these to us, and there's no other way to phrase that.

When you do these to us.

When these are done to you by a third party. Erin usually screams. Can we get your frustration out vocally? Well, I was working in the lab late one night. For listeners who don't know, when J.P.C. gets mad, he sings Monster Mash.

I'm Monster Mash. I'm so sorry I do.

Any emotion above a seven. You're making me mash.

Guys, I gotta tell you, I was putting together a sad music playlist and I got like six songs into this sad music playlist and then I put Monster Mash into it as well. And all of the songs look very sad.

Here's the challenge. If you are with someone that you frequently spend the night with, whether that be official or unofficial, I want you to make a Spotify playlist. List number one is going to be the song untitled by D'Angelo off the album Voodoo. Number two is going to be Monster Mash.

Number three is going to be Monster Mash, and number four is going to be Monster Mash.

And the rest of it is going to be every cover of Tainted Love that's ever happened.

What you're going to do is you're going to invite this person over to your place. You're going to light some candles, really set the mood. You're going to put on that playlist, start to do what you do, and by the time Monster Mash hits, I want you to have video of what the reaction is.

We used to have a brunch playlist that we would put on in my apartment when I lived with Luke, SNL's Luke Knoll, and it was one Jack Johnson song, and then that cut my life into pieces, like 80 bucks. Papa Roach.

Aaron, can we take a break?

Yeah, let's take a break.

Yeah, actually we need to step away and maybe take a break. These Levi holes have got us all.

We'll be back with more Holes from Holes.

Don't go into the basement. Stay on the Yale Nats.

We're just doing laundry. You can come down and chat with us.

We're back, baby. Oh, we are back.

Somebody wants more stories with holes. It's me. No, nobody is.

What? It's a little boy's ghost.

You know what was so crazy earlier? What? Is when you guessed window washer for an answer. Yeah. Listen to this.

Uh oh. Uh oh.

Brad had washed windows in town for over 20 years.

No fucking way.

When he was seen on his scaffold washing the windows on the fourth floor of the new building on Elm Street, the township relieved Brad of his duties.

Okay. When he was seen washing the windows on the fourth floor, of what was it?

Of the new building on Elm Street.

So the new building didn't have windows in it yet?

Yeah.

He was fucking wasting time.

The windows for the new building had not been put in yet.

And mosquitoes.

Oh no, that means poor Brad has gone insane. I'm washing the windows! And they're like, Brad, calm down sir, please. The town will help you.

I like how fancy the town is with all the people's accents in the town.

Yeah, I feel like ever since JVC voiced that button, all his characters, including the tree, have just been like real proper British... What's your button's name?

My button's name is Lord Tiddieson. Bye button. Lord Tiddies? What did you say? That's what you got out of that? Yeah, my button's name is Lord Tiddies. Ah, this is a good show.

What's your button's name?

My button was clearly based on one of the bullets in the movie Who Framed Roger Rabbit, the old cowboy bullet. So his name is probably Rascal. Your button's name is Blumpkin? That's what you did to me. Erin, what are the names of your characters?

I haven't decided yet. Let me know if you have ideas.

Josh.

Josh is the little boy button and the love interest is called Scarlett Johansson. Queen Sally had an exquisite meal placed before her. She did not know that her food had been poisoned with enough arsenic to kill her ten times over. The next day Queen Sally had a vigorous enjoyable day. Why call it vigorous?

Oh, yeah, she humping.

Queen Sally had an exquisite meal placed before her. She did not know that her food had been poisoned with enough arsenic to kill her ten times over. The next day, Queen Sally had a vigorous, enjoyable day.

Did she eat the meal that was poisoned with arsenic? Queen is dead, long live the queen, new queen Sally.

She did not eat the meal.

Why?

Because Uncle Buck, one big pig, one big pig in the middle of the kitchen. She did not eat the meal.

Why didn't she eat it? Because old lace.

Was she getting a portrait done of her?

Yeah, well, can I see a seed? Yes. JPC, you are a very fancy, well-known portrait drawer in the 17th century. Gotcha. And Adal, you are his subject and you're just like distracted and like making this way harder on him.

Okay, so, you know. Should I sit like this? It doesn't matter how you sit as long as you sit very still. Should I tuck my penis to the left or the right? It won't matter. I'm shooting from the waist up. So, just anywhere that you sit.

Or the way hands stand.

Okay, you have to keep that.

From the waist up. Now is just my genitals and legs. Yes, and you have to keep that.

Is that the portrait you want me to paint? I fooled you. Well, yes. Fool me once, shame on me. I can paint you anywhere that you want. It's your diamonds, they say.

Ooh, can you put anywhere I want? Can you put maybe a black backdrop with lasers?

I'm not sure what lasers are in this regard.

Lasers are a gentleman who's moving to Chicago.

Sure, yes. But yeah, I imagine I could do something like that. My only request is that you'll see in front of you a lot of food items.

Oh, delicious. Oh, please don't.

That's a milkshake.

Is this a mackerel milkshake? It's a mackerel milkshake. Mm, M&M.

Yes, it's a bass-o-matic dead acro in sketch. Bass-o-matic. But what is laid out in front of you is deadly poisonous, and it has to look this way, but I painted it all with arsenic. So please don't eat anything in front of you. I ate it all. Okay.

Oh no.

You ate the bones? No, I ate the bones.

I ate the bones, KFC.

Wow, this is an amazing portrait.

Yes, unfortunately the subject died while I was painting it, which is why I drew him as just a skull. It's very kind of it. By the way, my name, Ed Hardy.

And now you know. Yes, from the 1700s. So why didn't she eat the meal? She already ate. She ate the bones.

She was on a diet. She was on a diet? That's true. That's what the real answer is.

And mosquitoes. She was on a diet?

We were on a break!

Friends.

Kevin is more excited by the down part of his life than the up part. This is perfectly understandable.

Professional seesaw. Kevin?

Holy crap.

That's it? That's the answer? It's more so about the down part than the up part. At least the skydiver.

I know we just did a scene, but you two are practicing for the Seesaw Olympics. Great, you're our coach.

You're our coach, yeah. Coach, coach, coach! We gotta beat Grease.

They are the best Seesaws in Europe.

We gotta beat Grease. We have to be a team, okay?

You know what you need to do? Balance. You gotta be balanced. I need you to wear a really heavy hat. I need you to think light.

Coach just never- Fuck you!

You're six feet! He's five feet!

I'm the Danny DeVito of this group.

In personality, not in build.

Uh-huh.

He's the Danny DeVito of this group in build, not in personality.

Yeah. We're polar opposites in those regards.

Yeah, I live in the North Pole and he lives in the South Pole.

Tell me, fellas, when you're at a bar, don't you tell people you're a professional CSAR. Do women like that?

Yeah, I say my job comes with a lot of ups and downs. I just say I work in sports. I tell girls I'm gonna make them full crumb.

Kevin is more excited by the down part of his life than the up part. This is perfectly understandable.

Down, oh, it's gotta be like pillows. He makes goose pillows.

Down, how to get down from the south. He's like, not like, it's not like pillows.

He flies planes, but he hates taking off. He loves landing.

Again, this is the book that is painful.

Does he make an item for sale?

Nope. Is this in relation to Kevin's job?

Yes.

Does he land planes?

No. Does it have to do with falling? You're thinking right, yeah. You're thinking correctly.

Bungie accorded instructor.

Is it involved parachuting?

No, it's not. Diving, scuba diving. It's way more common. Does it involve jumping out of something?

Nope.

It's very daily.

Jack Hammer. Does he dig? Sewer. Goes underground.

Construction.

He must be a little claustrophobic at his job, I can imagine.

Does it involve him going under the earth?

No, maybe into a basement. Plumber.

Repairman for when you put a dog in the dryer?

No. You definitely have some up parts too.

Has this ever happened to you? Oh, my dog's all wet. Let me put him in this machine. We'll make him tumble until he's dry. Now he's dead. Has that happened to you? Did I say that already? I think I did. Come on down to Marco's. Dead dogs? Uh-oh. Store? And we'll fix that dog. Cut him open. Take those organs and give them to a small kid who needs organs.

Okay, cut. Okay, cut. Hey, Marco? I know that you're just riffing here. You're going off the script. But you are a dryer repair shop. Okay. Yeah. I'm a dryer repair shop. Oh boy. Oh my God. Marco, you can't wash these windows. The windows aren't actually... I can't tell my wife. Save them.

Okay.

There's some highs in this job.

Oh, professional pot smoker.

Mm-mm. But Lowe's.

Lowe's. Oh, he works at a Lowe's.

No, when the down parts of his job means he gets to leave for the day.

Oh, is this a... Mine? Mine?

No, because he probably has ups and downs all day, but... Downtime.

Is he an elevator operator?

He is.

And that's a job still?

I guess so.

Is he droopy? Okay, I want to see a scene. Adal, you are going to be playing a man who gets onto an elevator. Erin, you are going to be playing an elevator operator. It is unclear if you work for this building. Oh, can you hold that, please?

Yes. I'm definitely not a ghost.

What?

Welcome to the channel.

I didn't say a hundred years after you. I didn't say anything. I'm going to the 48th floor.

48th floor. Hey, you got a big hole in the middle of your body. Do I? Yeah, what's that about? I fell. You know what? I fell earlier.

Oh, in the elevator? No, no, no, no.

What put the hole in you? A great joke just blew right through me. Anyway, it's 48th floor. That's a nice floor. I get a view of the lake. Get to see the lake from that floor. Okay, we're landlocked.

What's your name again? I didn't catch it.

Reginald Ghost.

Your name is Reginald Ghost.

Reginald P Ghost.

And you said you're not a ghost?

Definitely not a ghost.

So you have a different last name? You married into the ghost?

Yeah, I married a ghost family. I'm a ghost.

Well, I want to let you know that my name is Peter Bankman and the equipment I have on my back is a very special type of equipment.

So you've heard of me? I gotta go through this wall!

Oh, Boston makes me feel good. Boston makes me feel good.

Boston makes me feel good.

Boston makes me feel good. Boston makes me feel good. Boston makes me feel good.

Boston makes me feel good. Boston makes me feel good.

Boston makes me feel good. Boston makes me feel good.

Boston makes me feel good. Boston makes me feel good. Boston makes me feel good. Boston makes me feel good.

Boston makes me feel good. Boston makes me feel good.

Boston makes me feel good.

Boston makes me feel good. Alright, we're going to start wrapping it up. This might be the last one. Start wrapping it up. Definitely the worst one I've read today. The blistering storm for... What?

You're reading from the romance novel you're writing?

Yeah, do you guys like it?

Erin's going to read from her romance novel that she wrote under her pseudonym Karen Eaf.

Everybody kept their pants on. They also kept their socks on. There's light kissing on the forehead, but no other funny business. But the room started to get hotter, so they opened a window. JPC and Adal looked into each other's eyes, knowing that there wouldn't be any other funny business. JPC took one sock off, but just as a joke.

Mom, can we stay with Uncle JP Riddles?

Are you kidding? You want to stay with JP Riddles? You know, I'm going to give him a call. I'm going to give him a call. I'm going to give him a call.

He doesn't have a phone. He just has that tin can connected to a goat.

I'm calling it. I'm calling it. Ready? JP Riddles?

Move over goat. Get out of here. You take too much of my salmon. I said half the salmon. You took more than half.

JP.

Hold on.

It's your sister.

I don't have a sister.

You have a sister. I don't have a damn sister. We're twins. We're twins.

All right Molly, what do you want?

All right, here's the thing.

Yeah?

The kids want to stay with you for a spell. Can they stay with you?

Hey, by the way, those peanuts that you gave me, I tried eating them. They were comics, Molly. I'm hungry.

Every time I send you something- And my home is wet. It's raining outside and you live outside.

We cut to the home of Charles Schultz as the doorbell rings. Oh, hello. Can I help you?

Yeah, I got a complaint.

You think Lionel is too funny? What? You think Lionel is too funny?

I think Lionel is too funny?

Sorry, my wife's a teacher.

Sorry, my wife's a teacher.

The Blistering Storm forced Kristen to deal with the effects of the cyclone. The Blistering Storm forced Kristen to deal with the effects of the cyclone.

Cyclone is the roller coaster she went on at Cedar Point.

Is Cyclone an amusement park ride?

No.

Is Cyclone like a tornado?

No.

Is Cyclone a new X-Men?

No.

Blistering Storm. Is Storm an X-Men?

It is not a real storm.

It is not a real storm. The Blistering Storm is on TV. Is it trance music?

No.

Is it Delirious Tremens? Is it Sandstorm by Darude?

Hold on. Everybody stop. Pull up your Spotify playlist. You're gonna play Untitled by D'Angelo off the album Voodoo. You're gonna play Monster Mash. You're gonna play Darude Sandstorm. You're gonna play every version of Tainted Love you can find.

I want everyone to tweet me today a version of Tainted Love that you think no one else has sent me.

Oh wow.

Cool. Ready.

Yes, it's a blistering storm. Is it a metaphorical storm?

Sort of, yeah. It's definitely someone being hyperbolic about something they're seeing. It's like emotions? Yeah, definitely.

Like a sadness? Is it a stormtrooper?

Yeah, the storm is definitely an emotion, but what's the Cyclone?

Is it in a glass case of emotion, Anchorman?

You're never gonna get this.

Cyclone. We'll get it. Is it an exercise bike?

It's like something... Is it a bike clone? No. So the storm is someone's emotions, and the Cyclone is something... is Kristen's fault.

Cyclone. Did you like shake up a two-liter bottle of Pepsi?

Whose emotions could be the storm?

Kristin. Kristin's?

Nope. Someone else's.

Is it her ex-husband? Nope. Is it her partner?

No.

Does she know the person? Yes. Are they related? Yes. Is it a parent?

Yes.

Okay, it's a mom. Yep.

And the cyclone is a... The blistering storm, the mom's emotion.

A mom's emotion.

Forced. Kristin to... Deal with the effects of... The cyclone. The cyclone is something that she did.

Is it washing machine? Nope. Is it a blender?

What happens when a cyclone hits something?

Dead. What? Everything's wet. Everything gets wet.

No, but also everything... Goes down. Gets all messed up.

Yep, gets all messed up. So, Kristen threw the party, and her mom got mad, and said, you're moving with your uncle and auntie in Bel Air.

She has to clean up her room. Kristen was a teenager whose room looked like a cyclone had hit it. Her mother's stormy anger encouraged Kristen to clean her room.

God, so this is just another example of moms making teens clean their frickin' rooms. And in that regard, I'd like to see a scene. Adal, you are going to play a teen who has the messiest room in all of the town, and Erin, you are that teen's mom.

Hey!

What? Hey honey? What?

You gotta clean your room or you're gonna have to read mom's romance novels. Fuck no!

I need all this stuff. I know what makes you horny.

Puzzies. Mama horny for puzzies. Fine. I'll throw out two of the dead dogs. I need the rest. I sleep next to them. Throw out all my dead dogs, Mom!

There's a hole behind it that leads outside of this prison.

You're being mean.

Warden.

Fine. Here I go. Dropping the books off at school. Everyone's going to know how horny I am for people who wear socks and pants.

Mom, don't. Here I go for a move. Don't. Mom.

Here I go. Goodbye.

Mom, wait. I'll do it. I'll do it.

They kept on their pants and their socks. I'm reading it to you.

And that was a special guest, kids. Let's give her a round of applause. Any questions for Molly here? Yeah, does she know what sex is? Molly, that's a great question. Do you know what sex is?

It's when people fall asleep on just like a carpeted floor watching the movie Ice Princess.

Oh, I feel sad for this lady. Yeah, we all do. That's why we invited her to the school.

And scene. Anything to plug my dear, dear friends.

You want to check out our Patreon. That's going to be at patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle. We can, for five dollars, I guess we can make a sweet little deal where you get new episodes every Friday. You can join the Clue Crew. You're going to get basically hour-long episodes that are not this but similar, so three of us doing all kinds of fun stuff, and you're going to want that in your life. So check that out. It's only five dollars a month. We've got a big back catalog.

Oh, I'm Erin Keif. I'm the one who is talking a lot in this episode. And you can follow me, ErinKeif10, on Instagram to find out about my shows. And also, if you ever want two free tickets to World News Tonight or any other show I'm in, I'm the one who gives out comps to shows. So message me on Instagram, not Twitter. I probably won't see it on Twitter.

Yes, the comp princess who sprinkles comps with her little comp wand. We don't want to start with white comps. You can follow me at jpsofly on Twitter. You can follow me at shortkbrgmin. Use your Swedish handle. Swedish handle. This is my Swedish handle, glug glug glug. I'm drunk, the Swedes on Instagram. And then, you know, that's the best place to see pictures of my dog or just to learn what I'm going up to.

And Erin, I don't know if you know this, but in one of the alternate versions of Tainted Love, they sing about a certain planet. Jupiter forever. This has been Hey Riddle Riddle.

Created by Adal Rifai. Starring Erin Keif and John Patrick Mulligan. He just did the editing. And our new parent in the music. Logo created by Emily Cardamus and Emily Nemours. And you are a Riddle Riddle.