Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Hi everyone. It's me, Erin. If my voice sounds different, it's because I'm sitting on the floor of a closet. Before this episode gets started, we have a very special announcement for you and I get to say it. It's me who gets to say it. Okay, a few weeks ago we recorded a D&D adventure that we are going to release on our Patreon. We had Rush Howell as our incredible DM and Casey Tony as our guest editor and they crushed it. Alright, so this is the deal though. The first four episodes will release when we hit 1900, 1950, 2000, and 2050 patrons. I had to write that down because I couldn't remember what the numbers were. So theoretically, if 200 of you signed up today, all four episodes would come out today, so why not do that? This was my first time playing and I had the best time and there were so many snacks and if people told me that I would have the best time and there would be snacks, I would have played D&D a very long time ago. Also, and I'm not being hyperbolic and I know I exaggerate a lot, but this is my favorite theme that Arnie Parrott has ever written for us and I've listened to it like a hundred times. So go to Patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle so we can get the show on the road. Here's a little preview of that Arnie Parrot theme. So enjoy it. Head over to Patreon. And I love you and goodbye. It was so nice spending time with you, just us. But I guess here's the theme. You'll love it. Okay, bye.

Come, gather round, my kindly friends, and listen to my tale of a trio of adventurers to cool the friggin' fail. There's Thunk, the barbarous half-orc, and Duke, his bardic bud. Champagne, Champagne, and Elf, insane that that name made the cut. They've traveled long and traveled hard to Meridian, they are bound. Upon hearing of Carnival, a plot device is found. I daren't give too much away in this, my humble song.

No shit. Oh, Sherlock, it's Hey Riddle Riddle. This is Adal Rifai. This is JPC.

And I'm Erin Keif.

And we should say that this is a Hollywood Nights episode. I made my skin crawl.

I have a rash all of a sudden.

Debating between Hollywood Nights and Better L.A. Than Ever. And when you said we were debating, you mean you, correct? Me and myself and Irene. Just screaming into a mirror. Man up!

Better L.A.

than never. So it's a play on better late than never, but it's not clear. I feel like the best play on words are the ones where you have to explain it. Or the best jokes I've made in my life are the ones where I have to then say like this, and then the best responses are when people go, I see what you're going for. That makes me feel like a big man.

So we're in California right now.

We're in Hollywood, USA, doing some special recordings with some special guests, and I thought we should have a fun name for it. JPC, do you have a better name?

Ah, for sure. Let's see, we're in LA, we're doing recordings. And he'll say it in one, two... California Riddle case show. Damn it, that's good.

What about better LA than never? Ooh, I love that, Erin. And that's your idea? Thank you. Yes, I love it. Don't you love it?

Garbage. Cool. And we do have special guests. And more specifically, we have a special guest.

You might know him from High and Mighty, his podcast on Headgov Network. You might know him from Raised by TV, his TV show with Lefkis that's in podcast form. You might know him as Geno, the intern on Comedy Bang Bang. Intern Geno.

Both work. John Gabrus. Both work. Better late than never. Thank you. Thanks for having me.

Yeah, thanks for being on. I'm so excited. Can we ask what is your relationship with Riddles?

I, like most people who peaked early intelligence-wise, I'm a huge fan of riddles and problem-solving and, you know, gaming tests is pretty much how I got into and through college and UCB. But in reality, riddles are not as major a part of my life anymore as they used to be. And that's for the worst. My life has gotten way worse.

You can point to riddles specifically.

If you charted a graph of how much riddles were a part of my life and how shitty my life has been, they're both trending downward.

This isn't who charted, so we're not.

Alright good, yeah. I don't fully understand their format anyway.

That sounds like the same thing a retired bridge troll would say. Yeah, I used to be the riddle game big, got out of it.

Life hasn't been going great. I just use car lot. I'm one of the eight people that monetized riddles as a bridge troll. And we're sitting with the other three.

Three Chicago Bridge Trolls. Better name for this one. How dare you. Well, when we're in L.A.

Chicago 8. Chicago 8 and an L.A. Bridge Troll. Yeah, we've established that Erin is a Chicago 8 and an L.A. 2.

That's fair. No one charts in L.A.

Not to keep bringing up charts, but... But J.P.C. and I are Chicago 8 and L.A. dead, so it all works out.

So we're being kind of... Down jackets buy you a lot of mileage in Chicago. Yeah, it's easy because you can cover up for nine months.

Yeah, no one knows my shape. No one knows my shape.

Meanwhile, I know I could trace the outline of an Ariola of eight women that I ate brunch with at the same time.

And we'll post those on our Instagram. Is that cool?

Yeah, yeah, that's fine. They're just my eight cousins.

You say it's your cousin's? Yeah, there's a family brunch. Is it one cousin who has eight areolas or eight cousins?

Yeah, my one cousin is a female pit bull.

She would be a Chicago 10. I have cousins. I have cousins. Fucker.

Can you milk me? Boy, boy. Got my catchphrase in already.

Getting tons of mileage out of that. Of course, JPC's catchphrase is a line from an already existing movie. Fuck you. Catchphrases are hard. You write one. I think he tried.

With better LA than never. And it was met with a hard stop. It's all just Dave.

I'm here for Hey Riddle Riddle Hollywood Nights. Thank you. With me, it's got to be Hollywood night. I'm the Hasselhoff podcast. Mostly Germans listen to Hollywood.

And you brought down the Broly Wall. I can't get comfortable with all the support I'm feeling for Gabrus. It's so weird to have support on this show.

Yeah, it's super alien.

We don't want that.

Don't get used to that, Adal. And just so everyone feels an equal level of shame, we're going to start out doing some riddles. This, since we have a special guest, we're doing one of our classic mailbag episodes. As people know, who listen to the show, and for first-time listeners, you can always email us at hrrpodcast.gmail.com If you have riddle suggestions that you would like us to use on the show, many, many people have, and we have too many that we can get to, but I have curated... And we can't stress enough, if you can make your own bespoke riddles, that helps us a ton, because we're running out. Oh, absolutely. This podcast can exist for maybe four more months, and then we are all... We'll turn to dust.

Again, it's a hard finish. All that's left is the riddle of Joe Biden. We keep getting more and more topical.

So this is an email that comes to us from Seth, and Seth has sent us a variety of riddles. Some of them I think are kind of like warm up-esque riddles. Good friend of the show, Seth Rogen. Yeah, so this is from Seth Rogen. Seth said specifically, please don't use my last name, but it is Seth Rogen. Oh, he just popped in. Seth says I've heard y'all do some super old riddles sometimes, and I always find it very entertaining. Most because they're usually fucking nonsense, which, alright man, you fucking do a riddle podcast.

But he has a couple of- Are these the notes you were talking about?

Yeah, for sure. A couple of books from the 1800s. They're old school type riddles, so I thought I'd send a bunch of them. You're welcome, and I'm sorry. Alright, so riddle number one. I went to the garden and got it, came home to the house, and cried with it.

Did Adam and Eve have a house?

Yeah. In the 1800s, Adal, nobody had that. They have like a log cabin or something? Yeah. Adal Rifai lived in a log cabin. Apple Tree Wood, yeah. I went to the garden and got it, came to the house and cried with it. Is it a flower? That's the whole thing? That's the whole riddle. Is it an onion? Yes, an onion. Pumped the brakes, Gabrus.

I'm like, as I'm sitting here, I'm like, wait a minute. I can solve this. The Riddle podcast people aren't sure. Oh wait, we're supposed to be.

We've had a few guests who are like after the show they're like oh sorry if I saw those too fast are we supposed to like draw it out and like no we're just bad at Riddle. Because they're like I noticed that you two weren't solving anything we're like no we're just terrible.

I just don't even know how to do them. I was picturing a flower and then you know when you do he loves me he loves me not with a flower and then I bet she got he loves me not. That's what I was picturing, and I didn't even think onion, but I don't like riddles.

So in your head you envisioned a garden with a flower that had an odd number of petals.

That's how deep you look.

That's like a Sherlock-esque mind palace. To support my own idea, I'm gonna see a scene with Erin as Eve, Gabrus as Adam, and you two are just trying to... You've built a house in the Garden of Eden? Is that the correct term? Garden of Eden? Built, yes. As a non-bibliophile, Bibleophile, and you two have just built a house and now you're trying to figure out what to decorate it with.

I found this snake. What do you think?

Uh, whoo, okay. That snake looks familiar. Um, I feel like the snake as a living being, I'm not positive decoration wise, but look, hun.

Look, I'm wearing him as a scarf though.

Oh, now that's cute.

Really? You think so?

I think it works. I truly feel it's tempting. Seeing you dress like this is a rather, a little bit of a temptation. Oh, come on. Oh, please. Since I got your rib, things have been weird.

I have a- I just- You got my rip. I thought I came from your rip. But did you take one of my rips?

I took one of your- You remember you woke up in that tub of ice?

Oh my god!

I wanted a rip back. I wanted my baby back.

You know, I get it.

I get it. But if we- when we built this house, We said this is our house in the middle of the garden. Yeah. And I, so I want to come at this equally. So if you want, if you want the snake's decoration, let's have the snake.

It's kind of joking me right now.

Okay.

All right. It is a constrictor. That's fair. Okay.

I hope we just put them like right over the window.

Oh, cute. I love it.

Oh, look at the little apple tree.

And J.P.C., let's have you enter the voice of God and you've got some notes.

Okay, scene, cut. I'm in on the decoration. I love what you're doing here. Don't mind me. I'm not even here. This is a suggestion. Use it if it's useful. If it's not, forget about it.

Can I have a bigger leaf, please?

Can I have a smaller leaf, please? I worked out for freaking nothing.

First of all, I don't know who mislabeled it, but you're supposed to trade leaves.

Oh, okay. So what am I? These two chest leaves are for you. Oh, this is much better.

Okay, everybody's in their own leaves now. Okay, we'll fire whoever was in charge of the leaves. Erin, can you get in my office?

Yeah. What the fuck? These leaves are unlabeled? In my defense, this is the first time we've ever had costume design.

I created costume design. When I pulled a rib out of each one of these people and made you, Erin, I expected results, okay? I am so sorry. And by the way, this is poison oak.

Can I ask, if you need a rib to create new people, how did you first create Adam? Chili's. I went to Chili's and I asked for it to go back.

And can I go eat at the Chili's or is that still off limits? The garden of Chili's is closed. Anyone who goes to that garden of Chili's will be banished forever. That is God's Chili's.

But God, you sit in there drinking two-for-one Killian's Irish Reds all afternoon. Are you sure you're not just hogging chilies for yourself?

Bloomin' onion after bloomin' onion.

Alright, bloomin' onion?

Those are still there, right?

Chili's? No, Eve, see, this is the thing. You just committed original sin. Chili's has the awesome blossom.

Oh, awesome blossom. Erin, I can't believe it.

Oh my God, I didn't get my fried onion food right. Sorry, everybody.

It's awesome blossoms in Corona Rita's and please don't embarrass Chicago. We have to represent for our Chili's.

Chili's was two-for-one in my hometown. Two-for-one beers like every single night.

So you would go there.

What's your hometown? Long Island. The one I think was on Hempstead Turnpike and it was two-for-one beers all the time and they were loose with carding IDs so we would go there on like double dates. like me and a buddy would take like two girls there drink like eight Killian's Irish Red that's why it's burned in my head because we thought we were getting fancy beer and then drive like all over the highway and go back to like a girl's mom's house and like make out in her basement And that's called the Long Island Tuesdays. Yeah, that is two for Tuesday.

I think I told this story in the show but I was eating at Chili's with my friend in high school like after a play and our waitress in the middle of the meal quit her job and then sat down with us and told us all the gross things that Chili's does.

That's amazing.

She was like they don't wash the dishes like once a week they go outside with a hose and they just spray it down and we were like okay.

And then you, did anyone from your, uh, from theater quit theater and become a waitress that afternoon? Like switch places with this woman? Yeah, they're like, I've been preparing.

I also had a waitress at Chili's quit. It was New Year's Eve and, uh, we had already had our meal and she came by our table and she was like, I just want to tell you, I just fucking quit. I'm walking out of this place. We're like, okay.

Goodbye. Thanks anyways.

And I saw that for sure. We got 50% off of our meal for that. I saw Sara Bareilles in Waitress. Full circle. Don't stop. Let's do another riddle, shall we? Yes. I would say that a lot of these are pretty easy. Big as a cucumber with a blonde beard. Adal. A Nordic cucumber. Big as a cucumber. Big as a cucumber with a blonde beard. Are these all vegetable riddles? It would seem that way so far. Based on the two that I've read from Seth Rogen who is a big vegetable fan.

I want to say my penis with a little beard on it.

It's a big blonde beard.

But I have a real small penis.

Big as a cucumber with a blonde beard. And keeping in mind these are probably most likely vegetable related.

I'm trying to think of what vegetable would even, like some sort of sinuous fiber that attaches to the neck of a vegetable.

Can we get a little hint? Yeah, it's roughly the size of a cucumber and it's blonde, yellow.

Oh great, squash.

It's corn. It's corn. Now I feel bad even answering these. I'm like, what is the premise of this fucking podcast?

The premise is these are the easiest riddles.

You should know I just don't like riddles. I like logic problems, I just don't like riddles. That's why I'm bad at it.

I like lateral thinking problems. I don't like these. These are all bad. Thank you Seth. I like math. This is what Seth gets when he writes into the podcast. The greater it is, the less it can be seen. Gatsby.

Love.

The greater it is. Yeah, the answer is Gatsby. Correct.

The greatest Gatsby of them all. Love. That's a weird last line on the book. As he sees a green light.

Is it a shadow? Darkness. It's the darkness, Erin. Correct. You are on the board with points. I did it. Hell yeah. As an act of charity, whom should we always kill?

The rich. As an act of charity,

You are right on the money with the rich, Adal. You're speaking my language, but that is not the answer that Seth chose.

As an act of charity, we should always kill them?

Yes. As an act of charity, whom should we always kill?

Losing resources.

Oh, maybe it's not the rich, maybe it's the poor? Finally, someone's saying it.

The bravery. Yeah, this is for you.

You never had foie gras? Oh, sweetie. The nicest thing you can do to a poor person is to kill them.

Kill your ego.

Oh, that's another great guess.

As an act of cheering.

I will say it says whom should we kill, but this is not like an actual whom. This is not like a person.

And it's charity in the Mother Teresa sense?

It's capitalized, it's probably a stripper's name. We should kill Greed, who is the stripper's pimp. Capital G Greed. That's the closest that anyone's been. Great guy.

I got into business with a guy named Greed. Do you think this is going to be an issue in the long run?

You're living inside an episode of Supernatural, my friend.

Yeah, the pimp named Greed was a demon and we did kill him.

Were you joking about that being close?

No, like the concept of Greed is the closest, I think, because it is more like a selfishness. No. It's basically, what would be a good thing to eliminate in the world? Selfishness works, greed works.

Jealousy, gluttony.

Gluttony I think is close-ish. Waste. No. I think about like the opposite of gluttony, like if you're not like overindulging your

Sacrifice. If I'm not being gluttonous, it sucks.

The world seems gray.

The actual answer to this, Erin, is hunger, but I do love replacing hunger with underindulgence. I feel like I'm a little underindulged. I feel like that's a very LA way to talk.

I'd like to see a scene, let's have JPC and Gabrus the two Johns in the room. Let's have you be the eighth and ninth sins that didn't quite make it into the Bible. Sure, okay. Having a dinner.

Have you got any work this week?

Yeah, a couple, there was a big company-wide dinner and they had, you know, the bill came, so that's when I pop in as the eighth thiddly sin, splitting the bill item by item.

Sure, yeah.

Well that's good for you. It was fun for me to just kind of rile it up and get the situation sort of, you know, get people really hating on each other and stuff like that because everyone knows they could just solve it by splitting it evenly amongst the amount of people there and understand that that's a binding contract when you sit down to dinner in a large group. But when I'm around,

They need you because different people got different priced beers. And so that's not fair, unless you itemize.

Don't you forget for a minute that I didn't bring up... Wait, hold on. That was a quadruple negative. Back it up a second here. Don't think for a minute I didn't bring up domestic versus imported, canned versus bottled. I kept track of every single glass and I It ruined the entire evening.

And thank you for inadvertently bringing me into the conversation as the ninth deadly sin, syntax errors. I really appreciate just when people open it up to my part of the conversation.

Yeah, I felt like you were surfing on my brainwaves there for a second when I was trying to get that information out.

I wasn't not close to answering that, but I did not get very close to responding. My nose is bleeding. Oh, yeah, baby.

It's working.

Okay, I can't. I like companies, so I'm not going to do anything, but that's spankbait.

So you don't need lust and wrath when you've got syntax error and splitting the bill item by item?

Fuck those guys. And not really fuck those guys because Lust would love that. Lust would love that.

Oh, that's what drives me crazy. It's like I tried to fucking man up on Lust and I fucking topped the shit out of him.

Hey guys, we're so sorry. We just like, um, the seven deadly sins had a pool party and we must have like lost your invitation in the mail.

Wait, the tenth deadly sin got an invitation to the pool party?

Yeah.

And go ahead and real quick say your thing. Just say it quick. I'll speak for Vocal Fry.

Yeah, Vocal Fry.

Oh yeah, Vocal Fry.

I never have water.

I don't know who that is. Oh boy, we'll get some emails on that one, Erin.

People love Vocal Fry. I don't know what you're talking about.

They really do.

I like to weaponize it as something that makes women different than men. I already tried hating women for not being funny, but they proved me wrong over and over again by demonstrating wonderful... So now I decided that the way their voice is, is what I hate about them.

Is vocal fright purely allocated to women?

I think it's used as a hammer against women, but I believe you can have vocal fry.

I feel like Ira Glass has vocal fry.

Yeah, I feel like NPR vocal fry and a five syllable first and last name combination is the only way you can get hired over there.

Yeah, I think that that's, it's like 90% applied to women, but I think that they just, men get a pass on it.

Well, I would like to apologize to our listeners, the male listeners. I'd like to apologize.

I'm going to start climbing the wall.

It's my favorite Radiohead song.

Okay, here's your next riddle. It increases and decreases and no one sees it. It is not a fire, and yet it can be quenched. It's not blood pressure. It's an excellent guess, Adal. It's horniness.

It's horniness. The ocean. I said it.

A word that only gets weirder and weirder to say as you get older. But there's not a better word for the feeling. Turned on works, but that doesn't really feel like it doesn't have the same definition as horny.

I always just say hungry for sex.

I say I'm feeling fucky.

And I've had no sex in 10 years. When you're ever in sexy moments, do you use the word horny? No, you can't. It's too infantile. It's too funny. Yeah. I'm horny. I'm horny for you.

I've heard people use the term sexy times.

In real?

Yeah, like me and my partner had sexy times. And that's what they refer to as like moments that are allocated for sex. They call it sexy times.

Sexy Times is 8.15 to 8.45 p. Pacific Standard Time.

Which happens to be when Long Island serves their two producers.

Conveniently enough. Yeah, I think horny is only a term that's used for like comedy. I don't think there's any other context where people are like... I think it's embarrassing.

I think it's embarrassing, but I think you would find no one would say it for sexual like... Oh, I hope you're horny, or I'm horny right now, babe. But I think you would say to a friend, Jesus Christ, I'm fucking horny today. And I think there's something weird about the word where it doesn't, there's not a better word, but it has no adult sexual connotation to it. But it is something you would say to your friends like, fuck, I'm horny today. I'm 37 years old, this is the shit I'm saying to my friends. They're like, hey man, this is your first day of work. That's why I'm so turned on. I'm just horny for paychecks.

We could have a rule where you don't call my house at 10 o'clock or after. My wife's asleep and I don't really do this information.

My female friends call it the dirty swirls. They're like, I got the dirty swirls.

The dirty swirls? That sounds like shitting. They're so close.

I just gave the morsel and the dirty swirls.

Got the dirty swirls.

I like that dirty swirls. That makes sense to me. You're like swirling.

Yeah, they're like, I'm so swirly. I gotta go. I gotta go. Oh fuck. You're good friends with Pauly Shore.

Filling swirly. Getting the dirty swirly. Ted Kennedy killed that swirl.

Okay, here's the next riddle. What is that from which if you take all its letters? There's got to be a better way to phrase this. Oh, I'm sorry. Did we not do the answer to that one? Yeah, we just did horny a bunch. It was thirst. Okay. Which is thirsty is also another way to say horny.

Thirsty is like the newest version of horny and the safest to say, but you still wouldn't like lean into your partner's ear if you were watching TV and say, I'm thirsty. Are you feeling thirsty?

There's also like the concept of a thirst trap, which is like someone posting like a provocative photo, which implies that it's like a horny trap. Like that's what that means, right?

Yeah. Your intention is to make someone horny for you with a thirst trap.

So can we do so in England they have a thing that's like I forget the exact name for it but it's like some sort of rhyming game that's what it is bangers and mash squeaking bubbles they have a rhyming game have you heard of this have you seen this you heard about this no so if you go to England Adal's about to tell us something from a hundred years ago Have you heard what the kids are doing?

So when Chaucer first started off, this segment started with someone going, well, I believe a thirst trap. It's like old people explaining shit.

They have a thing where it's like they have a rhyming game. So like when I first went there, I was staying with this family and they're like, can we take your bag of the apples and pears? And I was like, I don't know what you're saying. And they're like, apples and pears. And I'm like, what are you talking about? And they're like, stairs. So in England, they take a word and then they'll start to word associate with it or rhyme it. Or they'll be like, use your loaf. Don't be dumb, use your loaf. Loaf means loaf of bread, bread rhymes with head.

Yeah, it's like Cockney rhyming slang. It comes from this game.

Yeah, yeah. So is there a way to... So if we say electrolytes, that means thirsty, that means horny.

Oh yeah, the Cockney slang once removed.

Yeah.

Yeah, you could just say you're fucking horny.

So horny rhymes with corny whose game head.

I'm game head. I could eat a whole game here right now.

You must know this, but there's an entire song in the new Mary Poppins about that.

About being horny?

Yeah, about being so horny. It's just Mary Poppins fucking those animated penguins. Just having a gangbang with a penguin.

Spoonful of sugar is a euphemism.

I heard the new Mary Poppins wasn't great, but if that's in it, then I have to see it.

I made it like eight minutes into the movie with so much THC in my system. I still couldn't get into it. And I love the first Mary Poppins. I love Emily. I love everything about it. And I'm like, this movie is fucking lame, dude. I mean, I am, again, an adult man who's almost 40, and the movie's not for me, so I understand.

Well, also, Hollywood should make sequels 70 years later.

Right. Finally. Yeah. Yeah, that's prime time for it.

Although I will watch this in K-2, even Caner.

Okay, this is the next riddle, and I've already teased it a little bit, but I didn't finish it. What is that from which if you take all its letters, it remains the same?

I think I know this, but if it's wrong, I'm going to feel real laughed at.

Oh, yeah.

You're going to feel laughed at. Is it a postman?

It is a postman. That's correct. You got it.

Oh, because they deliver letters.

Ah. Coming to America. Great film. Clever Riddle. How long is a piece of string? The fuck is this?

Wait, I wanted to see a scene.

Oh my god. Yeah, please. Let's see a scene and then skip this role.

Okay, Adal, you're a mailman and you two are just kids who every day give this mailman shit every time they come to your house.

Okay, cool. Okay, let's see what we have here. Oh, there they are. Hey. What's up, bitch? Hey, champ, how you doing? Do you want to jump?

Get your fucking hands off me. You want to dump them? Get your fucking hands off me, pal.

Well, you won't stay still, so I feel like... My name's champ, ass clown. This is Brute. Okay, champ. Get our fucking names right. Champ Brute?

Our parents were huge fans of both violence, competition, and champagne. We were conceived on the astrocrats. I'm Brute without an E. We're conceived on the Astracrag. You know Moe? You know Moe, the Irish judge woman? She fucking signed our birth certificate. Our parents came back nine months later and gave birth to us. Twins. Champion brute. On the Astracrag.

Did they meet on guts? No. They were just huge fans. They were just big fans, yeah. Remind me, was Moe on global guts or just regular guts? Fuck you.

I believe Moe went through all of it. Now, do you have any letters for us today, you stupid bitch?

I do have a letter. This is a letter I wrote myself to YouTube because I said today's the day you're gonna stand up for yourself Todd.

You wrote this letter to Bono the Edge, Adam Clayton, Larry Mullins Jr. No. You fucking idiot. Do you even know the band members of U2?

I know it from the fantastic podcast talking. You're talking U2 to me.

I thought you were referring to the spy plane that we used in World War II. Never mind.

Continue. We had a spy plane called U2.

Yeah, that's where the band got its name from.

You learn something new every day. Now, let me get through this letter, because if I back off now, I'll never regain my confidence. You're pissing your pants, by the way. I'm a coward, and I'm terrified of you.

You're for sure pissing your pants.

I'm putting my lead-lined gloves on right now.

But I'm just going to continue doing this batting practice. Let me turn around.

That's swamp ass, I can tell.

It is soaking through a little bit from your thighs, but it's mostly swamp ass.

Dear Champion Brute, the way you make me feel on my daily routes is not great. I come home every day and I cry and cry until my wife left me. That was two weeks ago and since then I haven't been able to climb out of bed without having blood come out of my urine stream.

You two will respect me. You do piss yourself in bed. Oh yeah. Okay, cool. That's what you were saying with that. Champ? You think we went too far? No, Brew, this is who we're supposed to be. Don't second guess yourself just because this little bitch is reading a nice little letter.

His blood is pee pee.

Now I'm five foot six, so if anything, I'm a medium sized bitch.

Excuse me? I think 5'6 is medium? You're an adult. We're kids. We're kids. And we don't even think you're big. You bitch. I came back around. I felt bad for you. Bitch, then you tried to fucking hit us with that Napoleon shit.

No, I feel bad because he's a grown man and he's only 5'6.

Champ, come on. Remember what we said. We'll never drop our facades.

That's true. We have to stay strong.

We have to stay strong since we killed and ate our parents.

No redemption arc for you, bitch. But Craig is a postman. This riddle is how long is a piece of string? This one's bad. As long as it is.

How long is a piece of string? Is this like a tampon riddle?

What? Is this one of those classic tampon riddles?

The famous riddle category tampon riddles? There's three types of riddles.

I have to check the Kotex.

The Kotex also sounds like an ancient riddle cue. Open the Kotex. The answer to this riddle is twice the distance from the middle to the end. Sorry, Seth.

Oh Seth, step in front of a male truck.

Step in front of a postman.

Take that string, wrap it around your neck, throw it over your little bar in your closet, and start cranking around.

Oh my god.

Well, if we're talking about cranking off, we've hit a natural... An excess break, yeah. So, let's take a little break and hear from some of our sponsors.

And we're back with Hey Riddle Riddle Hollywood Nights.

I think the vocal fry was a better character choice. Everyone's criticizing the lady's voice.

That's my favorite Futurama character, vocal fry.

Boy oh boy. Do you want a small, medium, large, or vocal fryer? This is a riddle that comes to us from Adam. Adam said that a third grade student at work told me this riddle. It brightened my day. At work?

A third grade student at work.

I hope he's a teacher.

No, I hope he works in finance.

Yeah, he's just special forces stationed in Afghanistan. He's a third grader as the medic.

I work with the baby geniuses. He's a police commissioner and all the police officers are children.

He works at Oshkoshpagosh for the CEO as a third grade boy.

I would love it if he's working there and they're paying and they're like, I don't have any money, but I have a riddle.

I'd love to pay in Riddles. We gotta see a scene. We're down this quarter. We gotta see a scene. Gabrus, you're gonna be a child boss and G.A.P.C. and Erin, you are the employees who are late to work. Okay.

Sorry, sir.

Well, well, well. Look who decided to arrive.

Sorry, Kevin. We were a little bit late. We know that we're a little bit late. We apologize.

Well, I'm knee-deep in overalls that need to be sold by the end of today. You got that?

Yes, sir. Yes, Kevin.

Yes, sir. When I hired you two is because you had a proficiency in sales. You were both top execs at Lehman Brothers, and I brought you in here to Oshkosh Pagash. Because I'm fucking neck deep and over. Now you're making me swear. Oh, I have to put a dollar in the swear job.

Kevin, look what's in my bag. Is this Star Wars Legos? What?

Oh my god. The William Falcon? Oh my god, that's Ray's ship.

Yeah.

I know it is Ray's ship only.

I wonder if there are any CEOs. I wonder, are there any CEOs in this room who would maybe like the Star Wars?

Maybe I should just take a look at it as your boss. Can I please? Sure!

You know what, actually Kevin, but before you take a look at that, oh look what I have here in my backpack. It's a condom that's six years old. What? I'm sorry.

Jeffrey. Jeffrey.

That's wildly inappropriate.

Jeffrey, have you not had sex in six years?

What? No, I just raw dog it.

Oh, Jeffrey!

I'm married! We're trying to get pregnant, me and Elaine.

Alright, fine.

It's not inappropriate. If you're married and exclusively raw dog with your wife, you don't want to have a condom be found in your bag, by the way. Why are you still holding on to it? It's six years old. I keep it as a reminder of the life I gave up. The life you gave up of protected sex? That's like giving up sleeping with socks on.

I wish we had gotten into more Oshkosh for gosh business.

All I know is overall.

Just like train themed clothing.

I love the hard truth of that kids will know it as racehip or like that kids will know R2D2 is like weird BB8.

Yeah it's so embarrassing. The craziest thing I think about with the youngest generation is that the tapping two fingers on your wrist to see if they know what time it is, is a gesture that will be washed out.

Oh, I never even thought about that.

Why does that make me sad? Famous like, oh, what time is it? Because now everyone should know what time it is because we all have phones on.

We're going to be able to see it in our eyeballs soon.

As a matter of fact, I shot something in the child PA. I mean, he's like 22, but he had like a watch and it was on his belt. Like he had it like through a loop on his jeans. And he's like, yeah, that way I don't have to take my phone out at work. And I'm like, you know, you could just wear that on your wrist. And it was like lost on him.

Was it a wristwatch or a pocketwatch?

It was a wristwatch. It was like one of those G-Shock watches.

Any watch is a pocketwatch if you're an asshole.

Yeah, I guess you can keep wristwatches in your pocket. That's what you call your phone, right?

It's my pocketwatch. I have it on airplane mode, so it's essentially useless.

It's a $900 pocketwatch. It's a family heirloom iPhone XR.

I don't know I do this all the time because I wear a watch or it's a fitbit but it's a watch when I talk about like something that happened like months ago and I'm like searching for like oh yeah it's been like since April I'll look at my watch involuntarily I don't know why like there's not it's not like this will tell me how many days it's been since I don't know that's the only time I ever look at my watch

I've been contemplating getting a watch because looking to figure out what time it is on my phone is a nine minute process. I find myself, I'm like, oh shit, how am I on Instagram searching thick thighs? I was just pulling out my phone. How was thick spelled? Two C's.

I go to pornhub.com slash time.

That's the category I search.

That's what gets me there.

When people come up to me and ask for directions, I literally take out my phone, look at my phone, and then go, I don't know where to go. But there's something in my Midwest brain that's like, take out your phone like you're trying and then tell them the bad news.

I think the most fucked up direction thing I've ever had is I was walking along the streets of Chicago in a city bus, a Chicago city bus. It was the Ashland bus. Flagged me down, like yelled at me, and a lady goes, do you know which way Southport is? Who is driving the bus? And I was on Ashland and she goes, do you know which way Southport is? And I was like, I think it's that way. And then I walked away and she turned and I was like, oh, Southport is not that way. I was like, why did a bus driver

She stole that bus. That was a speed situation.

Yeah, it was Sandra Bullock. Listen, my little rinsed back. You can break. You don't have to stay at 55. You can break, but you must find the soft one. You have to get to a Lululemon in the next 50 minutes.

Not like the most bougie street.

It was like, it shook me to my core that that was a question that was asked of me, a pedestrian.

I want to go to the street that has 11 anthropologists.

That's my least favorite area to talk about because it's called Southport corridor, which I just find disgusting.

Southport corridor. It has too many or sounds. Southport corridor.

It's all like the Tony, it's just like a, yeah. The Tony? T-O-N-E-Y, like a very rich, affluent neighborhood. It's a Tony nominated neighborhood.

Everyone's just like... It's like Tony, Tony, Tony. It's like Tony, Tony, Tony. It's Tony Collett. That's where they live.

Tony Collett was there.

Tony Stark. It's wealthy in Tony Stark. Oh, fucking Iron Man bots always patrolling that street. People singing musicals and fucking sucks there.

It's my dream neighborhood. Saving up my pennies so I can live there one day.

Okay, cool. So this is, again, this is from Adam. This is a riddle that a third grade student told him. Imagine you're on a rowboat on the open ocean. There's a hole in the boat and it's slowly sinking. You don't have any oars or any supplies and the boat is surrounded by sharks. How do you escape?

I know the answer, but I will recuse myself from this.

Well, that still makes you have like you're swinging around your big riddle dick.

Please, my beard is cute over it.

Is this like a word one where like you see what you saw and you see the hole.

Take the saw, you cut the table, two halves equal a hole.

I don't know, I don't think it's quite that. But this is, I would say that whenever like children do riddles, the answer I feel like is always like simplistic in a way. Because kids are little fucking dummies.

Yeah, it's my favorite thing about them that they're little fuck dummies. Wait, what'd you call them? Wait, what you said?

What do you think?

Well, they're either little fucking dummies or maybe like they're like a fun sassy chili pepper or like a terrorist.

My favorite... Jeff Dunham is a great... My favorite thing about kids is that like I don't have kids obviously and I think it's something that I forget is that you can just lie to them and they have no recourse but to believe you. So like you can tell them that the car doesn't start unless you're wearing your seatbelt and then they're like, oh, that must be true. Yeah, if they believe in Santa Claus, they'll believe that the car... Yeah, they'll believe in anything, which is great.

My favorite age for a kid to be is seven because that's when they learn how to lie, but they don't know how much is too much. So with full arrogance and confidence, they will die on the Hill of a lie that is absolutely out of control.

I think I was 35 years old when I thought back to how much I thought I lied to like, even when I was in high school where I was like, I fooled my parents and how much they were just like, it doesn't even matter that. We're just gonna say, yeah, sure, you're sleeping at Jared's house. We're your parents, you're dumb. We know, we're adults.

You're drinking in the middle of the woods if we know.

Yeah, you come back to the home drunk.

Can you say the riddle again?

Yes. Imagine you're on a rowboat on the open ocean. There's a hole in the boat and it's slowly sinking. You don't have any oars or any supplies and the boat is surrounded by sharks. How do you escape? I know the answer.

Okay. Erin, can we give you a hint? No. It involves befriending the shark.

The shark is your friend. I think they did list a hint. Erin, do you want a hint from Adam? Okay, I'm sorry. Not a great hint. It's read it word for word, which is something I think I've done twice. But that's the hint that Adam gave.

I solved it. I know these stupid loopholes. What is it? Stop imagining.

That is core, right? The first part is imagine you're in a boat. The only way to escape is to stop imagining.

Fuck that.

Well there was like that riddle that was going around Instagram where people were like, you get a knock on your door and what's the first thing you open? Oh it's like your eyes because you're sleeping. But it's like the door the door is the one that you think that you're that you're like ah the door and loophole.

Jokes on them, I sleep with my eyes open.

Yeah jokes on them, cut my eyelids off when I was 21. Cut my eyelids in two pieces.

Really freak out my college roommate.

We're having one of those kind of turf battles where they're like, I think you drank all my fucking smart water so I'm going to cut my own eyes.

Cut off my eyelids despite my face, is the old saying. I want to see a scene. The three of you are the band Imagine Dragons. Oh, I love this. You've seen that people have started to carry signs that say stop imagining in answer to this riddle, which is taken off like wildfire. But you think that it's a slide against the band Imagine Dragons yourselves.

Hey guys. Do you think all these people hate us because all of our songs sound the same?

It can't be that. No, it can't be that. That's why people love us.

Name three of our songs.

Okay. I want to say Maroon 5. Is that one of our songs?

Yeah, that's one of them.

Okay. We do the cover of the Charlie Daniels band, Devil Went Down to Georgia. We do that.

We do the hell out of that. It's a cover that we play exactly like the original.

That's what I do in the song. Do you think these stop imagining signs are for us, John Lennon, or that riddle that's taken over the world?

I hope it's for John Lennon. I like to pivot into a scene where it's three John Lennons and you're feeling the same way.

Gotcha.

I'm sorry, John, are you sick?

John, are you sick, John? We're all doing McCartney.

We're doing good impressions of McCartney, wouldn't you say? We're all doing a Paul McCartney.

Because he's our best friend.

This is an honor to him.

Don't let Yoko find out. She's my best friend. And now you're three Ringo's and it's your time to shine.

Drums. Ringo has my favorite singing voice of all the Beatles.

Did Ringo sing eight days a week?

No, he's saying goodbye to a little help from my friends.

Octopuses Garden.

Yellow Submarine. Yeah.

Did George sing any songs?

Yeah.

Hell yeah.

A ton. He did something.

While my guitar gently weeps. Yes, he did. He did sing that. I would never be able to distinguish any of the Beatles by their accents.

Oh yeah. I've been doing improv for like 15 years and I can't do any accents. It's the most humiliating thing ever. It's like a scene. It's like, listen up Beatles. And I'm like, I got to go. It's like always like Rastafarian accents I'm doing.

I teach improv classes and there was a person who initiated a scene in an Australian accent and then it went downhill immediately because they couldn't do an Australian accent. And after the scene I was like, Hey man, you're just like, why? Why did you make that choice? Like you're making this way harder on yourself.

If it's a group game where everyone's doing an accent and I'm in it, the premise of the scene immediately becomes I'm undercover. Hey, where are you from? They're like, you sound like a New Yorker trying to do our accent. I'm like, oh.

I was like anytime somebody starts a scene with me with an accent I like to just fuck them over by saying speaking your native tongue and then that stops the scene real quick.

And that's the goal. Teach them a lesson. Chicago style, LA style, New York style, they're all different. We all aiming to end the scenes as quickly and as early as possible.

Chicago style is to win improv. There's a king and queen crowned at the end of every show.

That's where that's Olympic.

You stand by the bar and you wait to get your compliments.

Just like the Greeks did. What a sad life. You get your paycheck. So I read this riddle ahead of time, obviously, in preparation for the show. Thank you.

Thank you for your service. Thank you for your service.

Still in Valor. The modicum of responsibility for this show. And I will say that I did not fucking understand it at all.

We should mention that we just probably cut out like a minute and a half pause where JPC looked up the word modicum.

I went to pornhub.com slash time and I searched for my favorite category.

What do you think would come up?

I don't know.

I don't want to know.

Have you searched time as a porn category? It would be like filter by time.

A guy comes in a minute or something, right?

Yeah, I think it'll be stuff like that or stuff like it's it's blank time like it's party time and a guy with a bare head. Oh, that'd be great. Oh, so your favorite one.

It might also be like wrinkled penis.

That's true.

Wrinkle penis or something.

I'm gonna look it up.

Well my favorite part about this is we did a riddle for children and so I know that people have kids that listen to this podcast.

Oh, yeah they do.

I bet they were like, Riddle for kids. Hey Sally, come in here and listen to this riddle from the podcast.

To be fair, we titled this Hollywood Nights.

Yeah, that's true.

They should know.

They should know. By the way, Erin is in a virtual reality set up with noise canceling headphones. She's sweating profusely. I think she's hacked into it. She's looking up time. This is, holy shit, watching this is stressful. She looks like, I'm getting horny.

I got the dirty twirls! I got the dirty twirls!

She looks like in Avengers Infinity War like Dr. Strange. I've seen all the possible outcomes.

I've seen all the time comes. We only come in one scenario.

The rest leads us all with blue walls. If I told you, you wouldn't come. That's my secret.

I'm always coming. Alright, cool. So here's the riddle in all its glory. Why is a mouse when it turns?

Welcome back to Caveman Riddles.

Oh yeah, that was a 1. To 10.

It was a Chicago 8 though.

In LA, people would be like, what? Skinny Margarita? Don't do Vocal Fry.

I cannot listen to that.

But in Branson, Missouri, where Yakov still is, doing eight shows a day, that was crushed. Hey, he shows a date in his hotel room. No, Yakov has like a residency and they have like a 10am, a 1pm, a 4pm, and a 7pm or something like that.

Holy shit, is he still doing like his 80s routine?

I think it's, I'm guaranteed.

Because that's what people want is like... I'm sure he's not like, in collusion Russia has you, you know, he's a top... In current Russia not Soviet Union, things are bad.

Sorry Adal, I'm so fucking young, I don't know who that is. Here is the answer. Here's a clue for you. The clue for the mouse one is actually the answer. Because the answer is part of the riddle. The higher, the fewer. Why is a mouse when it turns? The higher, the fewer. And fewer is spelled F-U-H-E-R? F-E-W-E-R. Other clue. What situation would a mouse be very high up?

It's at summer camp and it's on the diving board. It's trying to have the courage to jump.

Yeah, it's runaway Ralph goes to summer camp. You said record wrong. Erin, I want to see a scene. You're a mouse at summer camp. Okay. This is Fievel Ghost camp. And you're trying to impress your fellow mice campmates.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. You're brave. You're not gonna drown. Hey everybody, look at me. I'm gonna jump.

Whoa, you're going to drown.

No, no. My skin swims.

I'm not sure if this is the best idea.

Why do you say that?

Because you've nearly died twice so far doing one of your lake stunts.

Just because I'm the smallest animal here doesn't mean I can't do all the same camp stuff that you can do.

We're all mice. We're all roughly the same size.

But I am, I know. I'm a big ol' fat mouse. That's because I ate a full brick of cheese and it turned out I was lactose- That's right Gus Gus. Are you fat shaming Gus Gus? I love Gus Gus. And I love you, Fievel, and that's why I'm scared to see you. Get off of that high dive.

I'm gonna look so cute flying through the air off this high dive. You're gonna see a mouse fly. You're gonna think I'm a bird for a second.

First of all, Fievel, we can't reiterate enough. We're all mice. You don't have to say that you're a mouse.

I'm a mouse. And here's the thing. I'm gonna jump in naked.

Okay.

Yeah. All right.

But whatever you do, don't take my clothes while I jump in. And then when I get out, my clothes are gone. That would be crazy.

Do you have the squirrels?

What?

Do you have the fuck squirrels? What are they called?

I have the fuck squirrels.

Wait, if I have a... You fucked a squirrel.

Squirrel fuck... Oh, you mean you did my hand job?

Yeah, it's camp. You're supposed to experiment like that.

Wow, Fievel fucked a squirrel. Fievel's the coolest mouse in camp. Hey, guys. Yeah, Fievel, I was about to say, better not be shaming Fievel, but I guess we're lifting Fievel up onto our shoulders. It's cool to fuck a squirrel. It's one of the coolest things you could do at summer camp. I gave a raccoon a hand job.

You did?

Uh-huh. I gave a marmot a blowy.

What'd you do, Gus Gus?

I ate out a songbird.

Seed.

That's the title of this episode.

I hate Adal Rifai. Yeah, so they say one more thing here, which is, why is a mouse when it turns is an intentionally poorly worded way of asking why does a mouse to continue to be when it turns?

I have no idea what's happening.

And they say, further on, the answer, the higher the fewer, holds the key. So this is the answer to this riddle. It's going to be supremely disappointing.

Do we know like there's a murder of crows or like a pod of whales? Do we know like what a group of mice is? Is that what it is? Summer camp.

A problem of mice. A snake buffet.

Do you guys want to go to snake buffet?

Can't we just go to the old country buffet? No, no, no.

In the old country, there was a lot of... Snake buffet is an all-male strip club, but they also have a really good buffet. It's just decorated with snakes. But it's all snake. No, so here's the answer.

Is that true?

It's something I did not know. It doesn't say if it's true.

Nature is a mouse.

All mice are like little Alan Iverson's.

Wild use of the word juke. It's like 1800s riddle and it's like he'll deke a motherfucker out and his ankle's broken on the streets. All senators do an and-one mixtape in the middle of talking about a mouse, an old timey mouse.

Stephon Marbury's a mouse is Barry Sanders.

Wait, is that true?

That's fucking nuts. I can only assume it's true. I have no idea.

I feel like if you have nine clues that are longer than the original riddle, it's failed as a riddle.

I want to see a scene. JPC, you are a bird of prey. Yeah. Gabrus, you're a mouse that's caught in the talons of this bird of prey, and you're trying to get out however you can. Sure.

Little mouse. What are you doing? Usually I juke, but it works better before I've been grabbed. Yes. You can't juke. Well, I've got my talons on you. Okay, that's interesting because that bigger bird behind you says otherwise. That's my cousin Rick.

Rick and I are cool.

What's up, Rick?

Hi, Rick. Thanks Rick, it's my kill.

A lot of my friends are blouse mouses, but not me. I'm an ice mice. Damn, you know what? It's sad. I'm gonna miss you. It's gonna be sad to eat you, my man. Hey, man. Just like our boy Elton John always says, this is the circle of life. So you could do this. You could do this to me as soon as I just... Okay, okay.

Hold on, man. Look, Rick and I, we like you. You're cool. Rick's still very far away. But we'll make you a deal, man. We'll let you go if you eat both of our asses.

I got a deal for you. How about instead I? Okay, this is really not working at this point. You were lunging for my ass. Yeah, well, you know, they say I got a sickness for the thickness. If you can make... Oh, I got shot by a hunter. No, before I even got to eat his ass.

Hunter, great shot.

Thanks dude! So many scenes in with Erin looking at me and shooting me with a gun. And saying thanks dude. Thanks dude. Make me sing like a songbird. Okay cool let's... I ain't out of songbirds. This one is a riddle that I really like because this is from a person named Carrie. Carrie says they're a huge fan of the show. Thanks Carrie. They say it's their favorite podcast.

Sorry Gabrus.

Oh wait they say Hi Mighty's great too.

They'll listen to a few more. It sounds like someone just learned what podcast was. I found it by accident. If someone said to me High and Mighty was their favorite podcast, I'd be like, let me list ten other issues.

Two months later, they're like, we're a cereal business. Have you heard of NPR? That's my favorite, like any sort of podcasting list is just like, oh my God, listen to cereal or like... ...reply all 99% invisible. It's like, yeah, these have been around forever. They're amazing. Dig deeper.

This one I wanted to read specifically because Carrie also says as a postscript, when I first listened to the show, this is what I thought you guys looked like based on your voices. I don't want to hear this.

I'm dying to hear that.

I know. I could guarantee that reaction from both of you. Adal, they gave you a picture of Matt Besser, who appears to also be recording a podcast of this picture. I've listened to Besser on podcasts, I don't hear it, but to each their own. I hear it.

Yeah, he has a higher cadence, right? I feel like I have a more sonorous tone.

Erin, do you have to wager a guess as to who they gave you?

Um, a potted plant with googly eyes.

Is it Matilda from the Royal Dollbooks?

Oh my god, I hope so.

No, it is. I want to say like season two Rachel from Friends, Jennifer Aniston.

Seriously?

Yeah, that's who they gave you.

That's what they... Oh my god!

That's a high compliment.

Am I America's sweetheart all of a sudden? Is everyone gonna try to get my hair cut? Holy shit.

Is everyone gonna try to get my hair cut off of a podcast?

I got the Erin. It's kind of hard that I have no idea what she looks like.

But it's also they're gonna take scissors to your hair. Yeah, exactly. My man, you got a bowl cut. That's crazy.

There's a seven-year-old boy who listened to our podcast and he drew pictures of us and he made me blonde and it like made me confident for a week.

There's a seven-year-old who listens to this podcast? I know. Oh, I apologize.

Yeah, it's tough. We've said worse. And then they gave me Harris Whittles. Okay, that's more predictive than anything else. Wow!

That's wishful thinking. I get a lot of when we go to like cons or something for magic tavern a lot of people will come up and be like Arnie you don't look like I thought you look Matt you look nothing like we thought you sort of sounds like and then be like yeah Chuck Adal you look like a badger and I'm like what the fuck does that mean?

You look like a scummy little animal. I get a lot you're much bigger in person than I thought and then I'm like Thanks for watching! If you ever meet your favorite female podcasters, always say you look so much bigger than you sound.

Well this person hit the nail on the head of how beautiful I am and how I look like I'm from the 90s.

You look more derpy than I thought you would. I thought you'd be funnier in person. Alright so here's the riddle. Oh there's actually a few. I think we'll do this one. When I left I didn't know where I was going. When I got there I didn't know where I was. When I returned I didn't know where I had been. Who was I? Lost kid in the mall. Lost kid in the mall? Adal, you got it! Famous trope, lost kid in the mall.

I'm so sorry, can we back up? Who wrote these riddles? This is the person who sends in.

This is a person who's, and I want to make sure, this is Carrie. This is Carrie.

Or they didn't write them into sentiment.

They did. Here are some riddies and pussies. The first five are classics I know, and the last one is something I came up with. Their name is Carrie Oreo.

And is this the one they came up with?

This is, uh, no, this is one of the classics. Okay.

Cause if it's a classic, I'm going to change, I'm going to shift my, my mentality versus if it's a made up one.

Yeah. And I can read it again. Yes, I will. And I'll give you a hint. This is a specific person. When I left, I didn't know where I was going. When I got there, I didn't know where I was. When I returned, I didn't know where I had been. Who was I?

Christopher Columbus.

It was Christopher Columbus, Erin.

The hero of the world. Everyone's favorite.

He saved us. For some reason, Italian people are really proud of Christopher Columbus.

Fun fact about him, he discovered North America. Oh, interesting. It didn't exist before he found it.

Rich man's Magellan.

Yeah, and he seeded the land with people and horses. Okay.

And disease.

Gabrus, you said that you liked math, so here is more of a numbers riddle. Yes. A man buys a rope from a woman for $3 and hands the woman a $10 bill. The woman goes into the grocery store next door to get change. She returns and gives the man $7. After the man leaves, the clerk from the store comes and says, hey, that was a counterfeit bill you gave me. The woman gives the clerk a good bill. How much is the woman lost?

Just some time.

Is Good Bill a person? Good Bill is a follow-up to Good Burger.

Mr. Good Bill?

Good Bill is the prequel to Kill Bill. That's when we see, we just see him being a cool- You're a great friend Bill. Thanks. I can help anybody move. What a thoughtful gift.

Can anybody move? David Carradine in the back of a U-Haul is all I want to see now.

Hey David, have you seen my belts and closet? A man buys a rope from a woman for three dollars.

So buys the rope from a woman for $3, gives her a $10 bill, she goes to the store to get change, gives him $7, and then finds out the bill was counterfeit. How much did the woman lose? She's lost $17, right?

She gives him the real bill, right? How much did the woman lose? Rope.

Thank you. Rope is partial. That's a partial part of this answer.

So rope and three bucks.

Rope and $7. And for whatever reason, Erin, they put in the answer to this, $7 plus rope, this one made me think of Erin.

Why?

Because your writer for live shows has just seven dollars in a rope.

Hey, you guys think Erin's going through some stuff? She's always asking for rope.

I want seven dollars in nickels and I want a rope.

I'd like to see a scene where you are a woman who is standing outside of a grocery store because this is and you are selling a piece of rope and Adal and Gabrus, you two are men that are starting a bidding war to buy this rope from this woman.

If you want to look at my trench coat, I have some stuff in here.

Ooh, very nice.

I could use a small length of rope.

Ooh, I could also use a, I'm a movie TIE fighter. I could use a small length of rope.

Why do you need rope?

I'm a rock climber and I could use it to rappel up and down the rocks.

All right, well, what do you have? And I don't want money.

Interesting.

And I don't want something tangible. I want something like your firstborn son or your sense of direction.

I hate to call you out, but my firstborn son would be tangible.

Mine wouldn't because he's unborn. So therein lies the rub. Name my firstborn child after you. He's 17, but I could change it up. I could promise you my first-born child, but I'm pretty sure I'm shooting blanks because I spent hours a day in a hot tub in a Speedo, so I can't imagine.

And climbing rope, climbing up.

Oh yeah, climbing up the rocks and then getting up and then climbing back down and getting right back into a hot tub. Drinking Mountain Dew, smoking marijuana. What flavor Mountain Dew are we talking? Code Red. That'll do it.

MDCR, baby, for life. I could write you a little limerick.

That's stupid. I don't want that. What are we going to trade that for?

How about $40?

Did you say you didn't want money? I'll take $40.

I want to hear that limerick you were going to do. $40. There once was a man with a rope. His life, my dear, had no hope. He strung it up high, tied it to his thigh.

He's doing it.

But, uh, nope. He did it!

Yeah, always had a liver.

Something, something.

Citizen Cope.

Oh, that's cool.

Uh, okay. I like that. I can trap many different things and colors. Ever changing, not boring. Prism. Look closely and you may find yourself also caught in my trap. Bob Ross. Kaleidoscope. What am I? I thought kaleidoscope as well when I read this, but it's not.

It's a word that I have a hard time saying.

Okay. Mirror. Ooh, yeah, it's pronounced corridor. We got it. Yes, the answer is a mirror.

I mean, that's not pretty good to me.

Does it come out M-E-E-R? It comes out M-E-E-R-A, like look in the mirror. Mira. Mira. Look at yourself in the mirror. Oh, you're from Long Island. Look at yourself in the mirror, you fucking funook.

I'm from Boston, so they say mira.

Mira.

Look at yourself in the mirror.

What's a funook? A fanook, it's in that family of like Italian slurs where you just say like fanook, mook, jamoke, you know, like where it's like you just look at this fanzaloon or whatever. It starts with the constant ends of the hard K. Yeah, all that matters is like people know just by your intonation. That's like my favorite thing about Italian American slang is that it's always like You don't have to even say a word. You just go, everyone knows what you mean. What's that translate to? You're like, I don't know.

Look at this gabagarouche.

Does your family have Long Island accents?

Oh yeah, big time. Face time with my two young nephews. And if you want to learn how accents develop. And you see, I'm like, look, it's a wow wow. I show them a picture of my dog. They don't have a dog. And my brother's like, he doesn't call him wow-wows anymore. I look just, it's a doggy. Say hi to the doggy. And then like, my sister-in-law, the kid's mother is like, it's a doggy. My nephew's like three, he's like, doggy. And I'm like, and there you go, brother.

I feel like wow-wow is like a slang for vaginas.

Look at this wow-wow.

I like to FaceTime my nephew and show him his aunt's pussy.

Honey, get in here and show your wow-wow to our godson. I went and got its name the first time I saw it.

Mine is just a wow. Mine's just one single wow.

Oh no, the second wow is the echo. Because you say it into it. It's a corridor. I want to see a scene... That's a riddle.

The second wow is an echo. I want to see a scene, Gabrus, you are a Long Island teacher teaching an English class and we're your students.

All right class, take out your books. We're going to chapter one. We're going to start right from the top of this thing and it's prepositions, all right?

Prepositions.

Prepositions. Prepositions.

Prepositions.

Prepositions.

Prepositions.

About, above, across, after, against, along, after, after, before, after, before, after.

Jesus died on a cross.

Hey, Tony. What's up? Slow down here, okay? That's wildly disrespectful.

Ooh, I want to hear a knock knock, Jamoke.

Guys, what did I say? Jamoke is off limits. We can't call anyone.

Fuck wads. Because Dwayne Johnson uses it? Because Dwayne Johnson uses it. And that motherfucker ruined my wrestling career.

Tell the story. Tell the story. Tell the story. Tell the story. Tell the story. Tell the story. Tell the story. Tell the story. Tell the story. Tell the story. Tell the story.

Tell the story. Tell the story. Tell the story. Tell the story. Tell the story. Tell the story. Tell the story. Tell the story.

Tell the story. Tell the story. Tell the story. Tell the story. Tell the story. Tell the story. Tell the story. Tell the story. Tell the story. Tell the story. Tell the story. Tell the story. Tell the story. Tell the story. Tell the story. Tell the story. Tell the story. Tell the story. Tell the story. Tell the story. Tell the story. Tell the story. Tell the story. Tell the story. Tell the story. Tell Wasn't your finishing move to pet the rabbit? Yeah, and it was bad. You killed three men. That's how Kurt Angle died. Yeah, I wrestled Kurt Angle, Chris Benoit, and Eddie Guerrero. And on the fourth day, I was wrestling Dwayne The Rock Johnson back when he was the Brahma Bull. And I decided, listen up, motherfucker. And I tried to give him my finishing move to pet the rabbit. But then he georged me. And he rock-bottomed me behind the barn. Were you looking away or facing him? He looked away, and Gary Sinise was there watching, which was weird. They have similar eyebrows.

They do have similar eyebrows! Teacher, I gotta tell you something. My mom has a poster of you in her room, a Lenny from Ice and Man poster. She kisses it every night before she goes to sleep.

You're a hero in our house. You're a hero in our house! The only hero in my house is a chicken-colored Parmesan that I bought for my hero.

My mom has the dirty swirls for you.

You should come over. I wish I could but when rock bottom smashed me I landed butt-first on a traffic cone and popped out the front and knocked my pee-pee clean off. I told you I didn't want to tell this story again. You guys know that I tell this story every week.

Is it true also that the band Maroon 5 stole their name from you?

Yeah, that Adam Levine prick. I wrestled him when we were doing low-level indie wrestling in Maplewood, New Jersey.

Oh, I could be in that scene for 100 years.

Are you kidding? That's just my... I finally get to use my real voice. Okay, so this is the accent I put on for podcast. Is Gabrus Italian? No, but that's my dad's real dad. Is that German or Polish? It's weird because we think it's Polish and that it was Gabruski at Ellis Island, but my dad, his real dad, abandoned him, so we never knew him. I'm sorry, I brought this up? Yeah, no, no, it's fine. You're crying. It's funny because I've totally taken the name and been like, call me Gabrus. And then as I got older, my dad was like, I'm like, what is the name Gabrus? He's like, I don't know. My dad never told me before he left. Oh, okay, cool. Too late to turn back. Yeah, and my mom's last name is Valentino. And when I was a kid, I thought I would change my name to Johnny Valentino. Johnny Valentino.

That sounds like a wrestler. That sounds like Johnny Valentino. That's like an epic enough to get cast in a fucking pilot.

A character from the Outsiders? Is that what it's called? Like, soda pops?

Yeah, a golden Johnny Valentino. Pony Boy, Soda Pop, Darry, and Johnny Valentino.

Johnny Valentino's in the parking lot. Everybody run. Scream. They're gonna drag race. Like a 50s crooner. Nice getaway sticks, Valentino.

Okay, so this is... He asked me to the dance.

This is Sherry Valance. We go to the dance with Johnny Valentino.

My father will kill me.

The bad guy in Grease 3.

This is Riddle that Kerry actually wrote.

How are we doing on time? Is this going to be our last one?

A man walks into a restaurant to meet some friends for drinks. He's the first to arrive. The waiter asks how many for the table. The man raises two fingers and the waiter takes him to a table for five. Why did he do this?

No, the man's Roman.

Adal knows it.

He's Roman. He's holding up a V for Vendetta.

Yeah, it's V for Vendetta. The Roman numeral for five. So the man is Roman. It's an Italian restaurant. He holds up a V. The waiter takes him to a table for five. He says, what the fuck are you doing?

The man is Roman.

That's what a table for two. This is how people say two. But actually, Adal was holding up middle and index fingers. The Riddle says that the way that they make the V is the thumb and the pointer finger.

Really? That's how Romans make the V?

Is it like a glorious bastard situation where it's like... It's the thumb and the pointer finger, then they put it in between their mouth and then they do like the little tongue.

Just for listeners, Erin has a real gun in her mouth and she's saying...

It's cute sounding, but it's visceral to see. It's truly I'm saying. It's like Deer Hunter, but with cuter sound effects.

If somebody can take the clip from Deer Hunter with, who is it, De Niro and Walken doing the Russian Relay and just replace Pew Pew every time they pull the trigger. I will Venmo you $75.

We've asked Erin to stop bringing guns to the recordings. She won't do it. She bought a gun when we landed. Our Lyft driver sold her a gun. Gabrus, thank you so much for being on the podcast.

Thank you so much. Thanks for having me, guys.

Is there anything that you would like to plug?

Yeah, check out my podcast, Hi and Mighty, or Raised by TV, or Action Boys. And if you're not a listener to Hi and Mighty, start with the episode, forthcoming episode featuring Hey Riddle Riddle on Hi and Mighty.

Hell yeah. And I'm a big fan of all you do. I've never heard of Action Boys. What is that?

Oh, Action Boys is what everyone's been waiting for. It's three white straight men talking about action movies that range from the year classic action movies from the mid 70s to the mid 90s.

It's a Patreon podcast?

Yeah, and it's like no episode is under two and a half hours. Every episode's longer than the movie we're covering somehow.

Is it out now or is it coming up?

It's been out now. Yeah, we got a bunch of episodes. So you can jump on for $5, listen to 100 episodes and then jump off.

Who are the two that you recorded with?

Ben Rogers and Ryan Stanger, two LA-based comedy guys. And if this is at all appealing to you and the sound of it, we've released a bunch of free episodes of Action Boys on the High and Mighty Feed. So you could search for it there and listen to some old ones and shit like that. In case you don't have $5, but in case you do, give it to Dad.

They weren't convinced, but now they're convinced.

Adal, anything that you would like to plug?

You can check out our patreon at patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle. We have new episodes every Friday, so check that out. You get double the content.

And we got way less episodes than Action Boys has, right? Action Boys technically a better deal. Action Boys for Hey Riddle Seconds.

It's a better deal if you have any interest in this. I'm assuming if you're at the penultimate minute of Hey Riddle Riddle, you might be into their Patreon.

We actually have a pretty good deal, which is for $15, we have a Patreon that's Hey Action Action, and we will play both pockets at the same time.

You can also check out Hello from the Magic Tavern and come see JPC, Erin and I weekly at the show World News Tonight at IO Chicago.

Saturday's the date. Follow me on Instagram Erin Keif 10 and I'll plug my shows there.

You can follow me on Twitter, JPsofly, or Instagram Sharkbarkman to see pictures of my dog exclusively! Spaghetti's getting pretty big, so you're going to want to jump on that Instagram train now.

Before the dog's too big to be in photos.

This has been Hey Riddle Riddle.

Created by Adal Rifai. Starting Erin Keif and John Patrick Coan.

That was a hate gun podcast.