Which Riddle Riddle?

Bark bark bark, JPC. Me hungry.

Adal, we've talked about this, my man. If you do that, I will feed you, but it will be dog food.

That's fine.

Okay, I mean, I think I know what's going on. You want the dog food because you know that I use Ollie dog food.

Ruff ruff.

Ollie's fresh recipes are developed by real chefs and backed by vet nutritionists. They're obsessed with making the best meals with the highest quality ingredients for dogs. Now, I gotta say, Adal, you can eat it. I don't think you're gonna like it as a human. This is specifically for dogs.

It just looks and sounds so good. Also, with Ollie, you don't just get food through their app, you can actually check in on your dog's health with real vets. Just by uploading a picture of your dog, not of your Adal, their team can check in on your dog's weight, digestion, coat, all because they're obsessed with making sure your pup is as healthy as can be.

I wonder what happens if I upload a picture of Adal. Let me just try it now. They said, oh, they said, this dog is very sick. Take this dog. Take this dog. It says to a people hospital. I switched to Ollie, I tried it out, my dog Spaghetti absolutely went nuts for Ollie. She is a dog, one of these types of dogs, I don't know if you've heard of, have you heard of these types of dogs? She's the type of dog who you can like put the food in her bowl and then she'll just like see it in there all day and only eat it when she's hungry. Now, when it's time for dinner, at about four o'clock every day, she comes up and starts snapping at me like, hey man, get the Ollie out of the fridge, put it in the bowl, dude, you gotta be getting faster at this. She absolutely loves it, and it's the first food that I've ever given her that she actually seems to be interested in. So get ready for both you and your pup to be obsessed. Head to ollie.com slash riddle, tell them all about your dog, and use code RIDDLE to get 70% off your welcome kit when you subscribe today. Plus, they offer an obsession guarantee. If you're not completely obsessed, you'll get your money back. That's O-L-L-I-E dot com slash Riddle. And enter code RIDDLE to get 70% off your first box. Can't confirm the promo code works because I used it. I used my own promo code for my own podcast. That's how much I like the product.

Oh, shoot. I just remembered I buried some bones in the backyard. And by bones, I mean Erin. Let me go dig her up.

Oh boy. Ollie, feed the obsession.

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

Hey Riddle Riddle.

Hi everyone, it's me Erin. If my voice sounds different, it's because I'm sitting on the floor of a closet. Before this episode gets started, we have a very special announcement for you, and I get to say it. It's me who gets to say it. Okay, a few weeks ago we recorded a D&D adventure that we are going to release on our Patreon. We had Rush Howell as our incredible DM, and Casey Toney as our guest editor, and they crushed it. Alright, so this is the deal though. The first four episodes will release when we hit 1900, 1950, 2000, and 2050 patrons. I had to write that down because I couldn't remember what the numbers were. So theoretically, if 200 of you sign up today, all four episodes would come out today. So why not do that? This was my first time playing, and I had the best time, and there were so many snacks, and if people told me that I would have the best time and there would be snacks, I would have played D&D a very long time ago. Also, and I'm not being hyperbolic, and I know I exaggerate a lot, but this is my favorite theme that Arnie Parrott has ever written for us, and I've listened to it like a hundred times. So go to patreon.com slash hey riddle riddle so we can get the show on the road. Here's a little preview of that Arnie Parrot theme. So enjoy it. Head over to Patreon. And I love you and goodbye. It was so nice spending time with you, just us. But I guess here's the theme. You'll love it. Okay, bye.

Come gather round, my kindly friends, and listen to my tale Of a trio of adventurers too cool to friggin' fail There's Thunk the barbarous half-orc and Duke his bardic bud Champagne Champagne and Elf Insane that that name made the cut They've traveled long and traveled hard to Meridian they are bound Upon hearing of Carnival a plot device is found I daren't give too much away in this my humble song

No shit, all Sherlock. It's Hey Riddle Riddle. This is Adal Rifai. This is JPC.

And I'm Erin Keif.

And when you say we were debating, you mean you, correct? Me and myself and Irene. Justin screaming into a mirror, man up! Better LA than never. So it's a play on better late than never, but it's not clear. I feel like the best play on words are the ones where you have to explain it. The best jokes I've made in my life are the ones where I have to then say, like this, and then the best responses are when people go, I see what you're going for. That makes me feel like a big man.

So we're in California right now.

We're in Hollywood, USA, doing some special recordings with some special guests, and I thought we should have a fun name for it. JPC, do you have a better name?

We do have special guests, and more specifically, we have a special guest.

You might know him from High and Mighty, his podcast on HeadGum Network. You might know him from Raised by TV, his TV show with Orrin Lafkus that's in podcast form. You might know him as Gino the Intern on Comedy Bang Bang. Intern Gino. Jon Gabrus.

Both work. Better late than never. Thank you.

Thanks for having me. Yeah, thanks for being on. I'm so excited. Can we ask what is your relationship with Riddles?

I, like most people who peaked early intelligence-wise, am a huge fan of riddles and problem solving, and gaming tests is pretty much how I got into and through college and UCB. But in reality, riddles are not as major a part of my life anymore as they used to be. And that's for the worst. My life has gotten way worse.

You can point to riddles specifically.

If you charted a graph of how much riddles were a part of my life and how shitty my life has been, they're both trending downward.

This isn't Who charted, so we're not. Alright, good, yeah.

I don't fully understand their format anyway.

That sounds like the same thing like a retired bridge troll would say, like, yeah, I used to be the Riddle Game big. Got out of it. Life hasn't been going great.

I misused Car Lot. I'm one of the eight people that monetized riddles as a bridge troll.

And we're sitting with the other three. Three Chicago bridge trolls. Better name for the podcast. How dare you? Well, when we're in LA... I'm a Chicago 8.

Chicago 8 and an LA bridge troll. Yeah, Gabrus, we've established that Erin is a Chicago 8 and an LA 2.

That's fair. No one charts in LA.

Not to keep bringing up charts, but... But JPC and I are a Chicago 8 and an LA dead, so... So it all works out. So we're being kind to them.

Down jackets buy you a lot of mileage in Chicago. Yeah, it's easy because you can cover up for nine months.

Yeah, no one knows my shape. No one knows my shape.

Meanwhile, I know I could trace the outline of an areola of eight women that I ate brunch with this afternoon.

So and we'll post those on our Instagram. Is that cool? Yeah. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah, they're just my cousins There's a family brunch, but these and is it is it one case one cousin who has eight areolas or eight?

Yeah, it was my one cousin is a female pitbull

I'm here for Hey Riddle Riddle Hollywood Nights.

There's the way, colon, Hollywood nights. With me, it's gotta be Hollywood nights. I'm the Hasselhoff of podcasts. Mostly Germans listen to Hollywood nights.

And you brought down the Berlin Wall. I can't get comfortable with all the support I'm feeling from Gabrus. So weird to have support on this show. Yeah, it's super alien. We don't want that.

Don't get used to that, Adal. And just so everyone feels an equal level of shame, we're going to start out doing some riddles. This, since we have a special guest, we're doing one of our classic mailbag episodes. As people know who listen to the show, and for first-time listeners, you can always email us at hrrpodcast at gmail.com if you have riddle suggestions that you would like us to use on the show.

Many, many people have, and we have too many that we can get to, but I have curated- And we can't stress enough, if you can make your own bespoke riddles, that helps us a ton, because we're running out.

Oh, absolutely. This podcast can exist for maybe four more months, and then we are all... We'll turn to dust. Again, it's a hard pivot.

All that's left is the riddle of Joe Biden. We keep getting more and more topical.

So this is an email that comes to us from Seth, and Seth has sent us a variety of riddles. Some of them I think are kind of like warm-up-esque riddles. Good friend of the show, Seth Rogen. Yeah, so this is from Seth Rogen. Seth said specifically, please don't use my last name, but it is Seth Rogen. Oh, he just popped in. Seth says, I've heard y'all do some super old riddles sometimes, and I always find it very entertaining, most because they're usually fucking nonsense, which, all right, man, you fucking do a riddle podcast. But he has a couple of- Are these the notes you were talking about? Yeah, for sure. A couple of books from the 1800s. They're old school type riddles, so I thought I'd send a bunch of them. You're welcome, and I'm sorry. Riddle number one. I went to the garden and got it, came home to the house and cried with it.

Did Adam and Eve have a house?

Yeah, in the 1800s, I don't know. They had like a log cabin or something? Yeah, Adam and Eve lived in a log cabin. Apple tree wood, yeah. I went to the garden and got it, came to the house and cried with it.

Is it a flower?

That's the whole thing. That's the whole riddle. Is it an onion? It's an onion. Pump the brakes, Gabrus.

Whoa! As I'm sitting here, I'm like, wait a minute. I can solve this. The Riddle podcast people aren't sure. Oh wait, we're supposed to be.

We've had a few guests who are like after the show they're like oh sorry if I solve those too fast are we supposed to like draw it out and like no we're just bad at riddle because they're like I noticed that you two weren't solving anything we're like no we're just terrible.

I just don't even know how to do them. I was picturing a flower and then you know when you do he loves me he loves me not with a flower and then I bet she got he loves me not. That's what I was picturing. And I didn't even think onion, but I don't like riddles.

So in your head, you envisioned a garden with a flower that had an odd number of petals. That's how deep you went.

That was easier for me.

That's like a Sherlock-esque mind palace. To support my own idea, I'm going to see a scene with Erin as Eve, Gabrus as Adam, and you two are just trying to, you've built a house in the Garden of Eden? Is that the correct term? Garden of Eden? Built, yes. As a non-bibliophile, Bibleophile, and you two have just built a house and now you're trying to figure out what to decorate it with.

I found this snake. What do you think?

Uh, whoo, okay. That snake looks familiar. Um, I feel like the snake, as a living being, I'm not positive decoration-wise, but look, hun.

Look, I'm wearing him as a scarf, though.

Oh, now that's cute.

Really? You think so?

I think it works. I truly feel it's tempting, seeing you dress like this. It's rather a little bit of a temptation, but... Oh, come on. Oh, please. Since I got your rib, things have been weird.

I'm

We said, this is our house in the middle of the garden. And so I want to come at this equally. So if you want the snake as decoration, let's have the snake.

It's kind of choking me right now.

OK, all right. It is a constrictor. That's fair. Oh, OK.

How about we just put him right over the window?

Oh, cute. I love it.

Oh, it's got a little apple tree.

And GAPC, let's have you enter as the voice of God. And you've got some notes.

Okay, scene. Cut. I'm in on the decoration. I love what you're doing here. Don't mind me. I'm not even here. This is a suggestion. Use it if it's useful. If it's not, forget about it.

Can I have a bigger leaf, please?

Can I have a smaller leaf, please? I worked out for freaking nothing.

First of all, I don't know who mislabeled it, but you're supposed to trade leaves. Oh, okay.

That makes sense. So what am I... These two chest leaves are for you. Oh, this is much better. Oh, this is much better.

Okay, everybody's in their own leaves now. Okay, we'll fire whoever was in charge of the leaves. Erin, can you get in my office?

Yeah.

Yeah.

What the fuck? These leaves are unlabeled? In my defense, this is the first time we've ever had costume design.

Look, when I pulled a rib out of each one of these people and made you, Erin, I expected results, okay? I am so sorry. And by the way, this is poison oak.

Can I ask, if you need a rib to create new people, how did you first create Adam? Uh, chilis. I went to Chili's and I asked for a to-go bag. And can I go eat at the Chili's or is that still off-limits?

The Chili's, the Garden of Chili's is closed. Anyone who goes to that Garden of Chili's will be banished forever. That is God's Chili's.

But God, you sit in there drinking two-for-one Killian's Irish Reds all afternoon. Are you sure you're not just hogging Chili's for yourself?

Bloomin' Onion after Bloomin' Onion.

Bloomin' Onion?

Those are still there, right?

At Chili's? No, uh, Eve, see, this is the thing. You just committed original sin.

Chili's has the awesome blossom. Oh, awesome blossom! Erin, I can't believe it.

Oh my god, I didn't get my fried onion food right? Sorry, everybody.

It's awesome blossoms and coronaritas, and please don't embarrass Chicago. We have to represent for our Chili's.

Chili's was two-for-one in my hometown. Two-for-one beers every single night. What's your hometown? Long Island. The one, I think, was on Hempstead Turnpike. And it was two-for-one beers all the time, and they were loose with carding IDs. So we would go there on double dates. Me and a buddy would take two girls there, drink eight Killian's Irish Red. That's why it's burned in my head, because we thought we were getting fancy beer. And then drive all over the highway. And go back to like a girl's mom's house and like make out in her basement. And that's called the Long Island Tuesday? Yeah, that is, due for Tuesday.

I think I told this story in the show, but I was eating at Chili's with my friend in high school, like after a play, and our waitress in the middle of the meal quit her job and then sat down with us and told us all the gross things that Chili's does.

Oh, that's amazing.

She was like, they don't wash the dishes, like once a week they go outside with a hose and they just spray it down. And we were like, okay.

And then did anyone from theater quit theater and become a waitress that afternoon? Like switch places with this woman? Yeah, they're like, I've been preparing.

I also had a waitress at Chili's quit. It was New Year's Eve and we had already had our meal and she came by our table and she was like, I just want to tell you, I just fucking quit. I'm walking out of this place. We're like, okay.

Goodbye. Thanks anyways.

15% for sure.

We got 50% off of our meal for that. I saw Sara Bareilles in Waitress.

Full circle. Let's do another riddle, shall we? I would say that a lot of these are pretty easy. Big as a cucumber with a blonde beard. Adam. A Nordic cucumber. Big as a cucumber. Big as a cucumber with a blonde beard. Are these all vegetable riddles? It would seem that way so far. Based on the two that I've read from Seth Rogen who is a big vegetable fan.

I want to say my penis with a little beard on it.

It's a big blonde beard.

But I have a real small penis.

Keeping in mind, these are probably, most likely, vegetable-related.

I'm trying to think of what vegetable would even... Like some sort of sinuous fiber that attaches to the neck of a vegetable. Can we get a little hint?

Yeah, it's roughly the size of a cucumber and it's blonde.

Yellow. Oh, great. Squash.

No, it's a corn. Corn! I feel bad even answering these. I'm like, what is the premise of this fucking podcast?

The premise is these are the easiest riddles.

You should know I just don't like riddles. I like logic problems. I just don't like riddles. That's why I'm bad.

I like lateral thinking problems.

I don't like these. These are all bad. Thank you, Seth. I like math. This is what Seth gets when he writes into the podcast. The greater it is, the less it can be seen. Gatsby.

Love.

The greater it is. Yeah, the answer's Gatsby. Correct. The less it can be seen.

The greatest Gatsby of them all. Love. It's a weird last line on the book.

As he sees a green light. Is it a shadow? You're close. Darkness. It's the darkness, Erin.

Correct.

You are on the board with points. I did it. Hell yeah. As an act of charity, whom should we always kill?

The rich.

As an act of charity. You are right on the money with the Red Channel. You're speaking my language, but that is not the answer that Seth chose.

As an act of charity, we should always kill them?

Yes, as an act of charity, whom should we always kill?

Losing resources?

Maybe it's not the rich, maybe it's the poor.

Finally, someone's saying it. The bravery. This is for you.

Charity. You've never had foie gras? Oh, sweetie.

The nicest thing you can do to a poor person is to kill them.

Kill your ego.

Ooh, that's another great guess.

As an act of charity.

I will say it says whom should we kill, but this is not like an actual whom. This is not like a person.

And it's charity in the Mother Teresa sense?

It's capitalized, it's probably a stripper's name. Okay, we should kill Greed, who is the stripper's pimp. Capital G, Greed. That's the closest that anyone's been. Great guy.

I got into business with a guy named Greed. You think this is going to be an issue in the long run?

You're living inside an episode of Supernatural, my friend.

Yeah, the pimp named Greed was a demon, and we did kill him.

Were you joking about that being close?

No, like the concept of greed is the closest, I think. It's because this is, it is more like an... Selfishness. No. It's basically, what would be a good thing to eliminate in the world? Selfishness works, greed works.

Jealousy, gluttony.

Gluttony, gluttony I think is close-ish. Waste. No. I think about like the opposite of gluttony, like if you're not like overindulging your... Sacrifice.

Underindulging. Yeah, underindulging! If I'm not being gluttonous, it sucks.

The world seems gray.

The actual answer to this, Erin, is hunger, but I do love replacing hunger with underindulgence. I feel like I'm a little underindulged. I feel like that's a very LA way to talk.

I'd like to see a scene, let's have JPC and Gabrus, the two Johns in the room, let's have you be the eighth and ninth sins that didn't quite make it into the Bible.

Sure, okay.

Having a dinner.

on the episode

Well that's good for you. It was fun for me to just kind of rile it up and get the situation sort of, you know, get people really hating on each other and stuff like that because everyone knows they could just solve it by splitting it evenly amongst the amount of people there and understand that that's a binding contract when you sit down to dinner in a large group. But when I'm around...

They need you because different people got different priced beers. And so that's not fair, you know, unless you itemize.

Don't you forget for a minute that I didn't bring up... Wait, hold on, that was quadruple negative. Back it up a second here. Don't think for a minute I didn't bring up domestic vs. imported, canned vs. bottled. I kept track of every single glass, and I Riddle Riddle

I wasn't not close to answering that, but I didn't not get very close to responding. Fuck those guys. And not really fuck those guys, because Lust would love that.

Oh, that's what drives me crazy, is like, I tried to fucking man up on Lust, and I fucking topped the shit out of him.

Hey guys, we're so sorry, we just like, the 7 Deadly Sins had a pool party, and we must have like lost your invitation in the mail.

Wait, the 10th Deadly Sin got an invitation to the pool party?

Yeah.

Go ahead, real quick, say your thing. Just say it quick. I'll speak for VocalFry.

Yeah, VocalFry.

Oh yeah, VocalFry.

I never have water.

I don't know who that is. Oh boy. We'll get some emails on that one, Erin.

People love VocalFry. I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, they really do.

I like to weaponize it as something that makes women different than men. I already tried, like, hating women for not being funny, but then they proved me wrong over and over again by demonstrating a wonderful- So now I've decided that the way their voice is, is what I hate about them.

Is vocal fright purely allocated to women?

I think it's used as a hammer against women, but I believe you can have vocal fry.

Ira Glass has vocal fry.

Yeah, I feel like NPR, vocal fry and a five-syllable first and last name combination is the only way you can get hired over there.

Yeah, I think that that's, it's like 90% applied to women, but I think that they just, men get a pass on it.

Well, I would like to apologize to our listeners, the male listeners. I'd like to apologize.

I'm gonna start climbing the wall. It's my favorite Radiohead song.

Okay, here's your next riddle. It increases and decreases and no one sees it. It is not a fire, and yet it can be quenched. It's not blood pressure. It's an excellent guess.

Horniness.

It's horniness.

The ocean. I said it.

A word that only gets weirder and weirder to say as you get older.

Horniness.

But there's not a better word for the feeling. Yeah. Turned on works, but that doesn't really feel like, it doesn't have the same definition as horny.

I always just say hungry for sex.

I say I'm feeling fucky. And I've had no sex in 10 years.

When you're ever in sexy moments, do you use the word horny? No, you can't. It's too infantile. It's too funny. I'm horny. I'm horny for you.

I've heard people use the term sexy times.

What?

Yeah, we're like, me and my partner had sexy times. And that's what they refer to as, like, moments that are allocated for sex. They call it sexy times.

Sexy times is 8.15 to 8.45 p.m.

Pacific Standard Time. Which happens to be when Long Island serves their two-for-two.

Conveniently enough. Yeah, I think horny is only a term that's used for, like, comedy. I don't think there's any other context where people would like... I think it's embarrassing.

I think it's embarrassing, but I think you would find no one would say it for sexual... Oh, I hope you're horny, or I'm horny right now, babe. But I think you would say to a friend, Jesus Christ, I'm fucking horny today. And I think there's something weird about the word where it doesn't... There's not a better word, but it has no adult sexual connotation to it. But it is something you would say to your friends like, fuck, I'm horny today. I'm 37 years old, this is the shit I'm saying to my friends. They're like, hey man, this is your first day at work. That's why I'm so turned on! I'm just horny for paychecks!

My friend called it the Dirty Swirls. We could have a rule where you don't call my house at 10 o'clock and after. My wife's asleep and I don't really need this information.

My female friends call it the Dirty Swirls. They're like, I got the Dirty Swirls.

The Dirty Swirls? That sounds like shitting.

Thanks for watching!

What is that from which, if you take all its letters, which is thirsty is also another way to say horny.

Thirsty is like the newest version of horny and the safest to say, but you still wouldn't like lean into your partner's ear if you were watching TV and say, I'm thirsty. Are you feeling thirsty? Get me a coconut water!

There's also like the concept of a thirst trap, which is like someone posting like a provocative photo, which implies that it's like a horny trap. Like that's what that means, right?

Yeah, your intention is to make someone horny for you with a thirst trap.

So can we do, so in England they have a thing that's like, I forget the exact name for it, but it's like some sort of rhyming game. That's what it is, bangers and mash, squeak and bubbles. They have a rhyming game. Have you heard of this? Have you seen this? You heard about this? No. So if you go to England. Adal's about to tell us something from a hundred years ago. Have you heard what the kids are doing?

So when Chaucer first started off... This segment started with someone going, well, I believe a thirst trap is. It's like old people explaining shit.

They have a thing where it's like, they have a rhyming game. So like when I first went there, I was staying with this family and they're like, can we take your bag up the apples and pears? And I was like, I don't know what you're saying. And they're like, apples and pears. And I'm like, what are you talking about? And they're like, stairs. So in England, they take a word and then they'll start to word associate with it or rhyme it. Or they'll be like, use your loaf. Don't be dumb, use your loaf. Loaf means loaf of bread, bread rhymes with head.

Yeah, it's like cockney rhyming slang comes from this game.

Yeah, yeah. So is there a way to, so like, if we say electrolytes, that means thirsty, that means horny.

Oh yeah, the Cockney slang once removed?

Yeah.

Yeah, you could just say you're fuckin' horny.

So horny rhymes with corny. Who's... Game hen. I'm game hen, yeah.

I could eat a whole game hen right now.

You must know this, but there's an entire song in the new Mary Poppins about that.

About being horny?

Yeah, about being so horny.

Chimney, chim-chim.

It's just Mary Poppins fucking those animated penguins. Just having a gangbang with those penguins.

Spoonful of sugar is a euphemism.

I heard the new Mary Poppins wasn't great, but if that's in it, then I have to see it.

I made it like eight minutes into the movie with so much THC in my system, I still couldn't get into it. And I love the first Mary Poppins, I love Emily, I love everything about it, and I'm like, this movie is fucking lame, dude. I mean, I am, again, an adult man who's almost 40, and the movie's not for me, so I understand.

Well, also, Hollywood should make sequels 70 years later.

Right, finally. Yeah, that's prime time for it.

Although I will watch Citizen Kane 2, even caner.

Okay, this is the next riddle, and I've already teased it a little bit, but I didn't finish it. What is that from which if you take all its letters, it remains the same?

I think I know this, but if it's wrong, I'm gonna feel real laughed at.

Oh, yeah.

You're gonna feel laughed at. Is it a postman? It is a postman. That's correct. You got it.

Oh, because, like, they deliver letters.

Ah. Coming to America, great film. Clever Riddle. How long is a piece of string? The fuck is this?

Oh wait, I wanted to see a scene.

Yeah, please, let's skip this riddle.

Okay, Adal, you're a mailman, and you two are just kids who every day give this mailman shit every time they come to your house.

Okay, cool. Okay, let's see what we have here. Oh, there they are. Hey. What's up, bitch? Hey Champ, how you doing? Do you want a- Do you want a dump?

Get your fucking hands off me.

You want a dum-dum?

Get your fucking hands off me, bro.

Well, you won't say still, so I feel like- My name's Champ Assclown. This is Brute. Champ- Get our fucking names right.

Champ Brute- Our parents were huge fans of both violence, competition, and champagne. We were conceived on the astro- I'm Brute without an E. We were conceived on the AstroKrag. You know Moe? You know Moe, the Irish judge woman? She fucking signed our birth certificate. Our parents came back nine months later and gave birth to us. Twins. Champ and Brute.

On the AstroKrag. Did they meet on Guts? No. They were huge fans. They were just big fans, yeah. Remind me, was Moe on Global Guts or just Regular Guts? Fuck you.

I believe Moe went through all of it. Now, do you have any letters for us today, you stupid bitch?

I do have a letter. This is a letter I wrote myself to you two because I said today's the day you're going to stand up for yourself, Todd.

You wrote this letter to Bono, The Edge, Adam Clayton, and Larry Mullins Jr.? No. You fucking idiot. Do you even know the band members of U2?

I know it from the fantastic podcast you're talking U2 to me.

I thought you were referring to the spy plane that we used in World War II to determine the gun.

Never mind, continue. We had a spy plane called U-2?

Yeah, that's where the band got its name from.

You learn something new every day. Now, let me get through this letter, because if I back off now, I'll never regain my confidence.

You're pissing your pants, by the way. I'm a coward, and I'm terrified of you. You're for sure pissing your pants.

I'm putting my lead-lined gloves on right now.

But I'm just going to continue doing this batting practice. Let me turn around.

How's my back? That's swamp ass I can tell, so it's not as much.

It is soaking through a little bit from your thighs, but it's mostly swamp ass.

Dear Champ and Brute, The way you make me feel on my daily route is not great. I come home every day and I cry and cry until my wife left me. That was two weeks ago, and since then I haven't been able to climb out of bed without having blood come out of my urine stream.

You two will respect me. You do piss yourself in bed. Oh yeah. Okay, cool. That's what you were saying with that.

Champ. Do you think we went too far? No, Brute. This is who we're supposed to be. Don't second guess yourself just because this little bitch is reading a nice little letter. His blood in his peepee.

Now I'm 5'6", so if anything, I'm a medium-sized bitch.

Excuse me? 5'6 is medium? You're an adult. We're kids. We're kids. And we don't even think you're big. You bitch. I came back around. I felt bad for you, bitch. Then you tried to fucking hit us with that Napoleon shit. Now I feel bad because he's a grown man and he's only 5'6". Champ, come on. Remember what we said. We'll never drop our facades. That's true. We have to stay strong. We have to stay strong since we killed and ate our parents.

No redemption arc for you, bitch. But Craig is a postman. This riddle is, how long is a piece of string? This one's bad.

As long as it is.

How long is a piece of string? Is this like a tampon riddle?

What? Yeah, one of those classic tampon riddles.

The famous riddle category, tampon riddles.

There are three types of riddles.

You're the only one of them allowed.

I have to check the cotex.

The cotex also sounds like an ancient riddle cue. Open the cotex. The answer to this riddle is Twice the distance from the middle to the end. Sorry, Seth.

Oh, Seth. Step in front of a mail truck.

Step in front of a postman.

Take that string, wrap it around your neck, throw it over your little bar in your closet, and start cranking around.

Oh my god. Well, if we're talking about cranking off, we've hit a natural at point.

An excess break, yeah.

So let's take a little break and hear from some of our sponsors.

Whoa, who's that new hunk? He's dressed so well. Whoa, look at him. He is dressed so well.

You guys, you're looking in a mirror.

Oh, I thought that was like Vince Quince or something. Yeah, that's us. We look amazing.

I thought that was like Quince Diesel or something. We look like that?

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Did someone say Vince Quince?

Whoa! Yeah, like five minutes ago.

Yeah, like a long time ago.

Find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go to quince.com slash riddle. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. That's q-u-i-n-c-e dot com slash riddle. Vince Quince out. Bye Vince Quince. Did somebody say Quince Diesel? No. Come on, man.

You don't know what you've got until it's gone. You guys.

Yeah?

I legitimately had terrible sleep last night. I'm staying in an Airbnb while the AC gets fixed in my place. And guess what? I missed my bed. I miss my Helix mattress. I have a Midnight Luxe. And guess what? I couldn't bring it to the Airbnb with me. I wish I had appreciated it more. I wish I had told it. I wish I had told my mattress.

Did someone say miss my mattress? It's me, the Helix Sleep mascot, Sympathy Steve.

Oh, hey, Sympathy Steve. Did you win Miss My Mattress, the competition?

Isn't he mattress?

I did.

Sympathy Steve.

And while I can't give you a Helix mattress because, you know, that'd be insane if I was just a guy who gave out Helix mattresses, I can say it sucks what you're going through.

Yeah, it does suck. Helix is the best. They deliver your mattress right to your door with free shipping in the U.S. You get a 120-night sleep trial and limited lifetime warranty. So what's the risk? And they also have the Happy with Helix guarantee. Rest easy with seamless returns and exchanges.

Whoa, Sympathy Steve, you have a tattoo on your leg. It says, Helix is the most awarded mattress brand, tested and reviewed by experts like Forbes and Wired.

And I won't tell you what that's covering up. It was worse. But what I will tell you to do is go to helixsleep.com slash riddle for the Labor Day best of web sale that's running now until September 13th. It's 27% off sitewide, and that is exclusive for listeners of Hey Riddle Riddle. That's HelixSleep.com slash Riddle for the Labor Day Best of web sale. HelixSleep.com slash Riddle. I can't empathize with you, but I can sympathize with you. Did someone say empathy? It's me, Empathy Ed. Hey man.

They're brothers!

No, we're not. Hey Steve. We're simply not.

Oh.

We're exes.

We don't have time for the lore of this, unfortunately.

And we're back with Hey Riddle Riddle Hollywood Nights. Hollywood Nights.

Hollywood Nights.

Oh no. Hollywood Nights. Am I a part of it? Hollywood Nights.

I think the vocal fry was a better character choice.

Everyone's criticizing the ladies voice.

That's my favorite Futurama character, vocal fry.

Boy oh boy. Do you want a small, medium, large, or vocal fry? This is a riddle that comes to us from Adam. Adam said that a third grade student at work told me this riddle. It brightened my day immeasurably.

At work? A third grade student at work?

I hope he's a teacher.

No, I hope he works in finance.

Yeah, he's just special forces stationed in Afghanistan.

He's a third grader as the mech. I work with the baby geniuses. He's a police commissioner and all the police officers are children.

He works at Oshkosh B'gosh where the CEO is a third grade boy.

I would love it if he's working there and they're like paying and they're like, I don't have any money but I have a riddle.

I'd love to pay in riddles. We gotta see a scene.

We're down this quota.

We gotta see a scene. Gabrus, you're gonna be a child boss. And JPC and Erin, you are the employees who are late to work.

Sorry Kevin, we were a little bit late. We know that we're a little bit late. We apologize.

Well, I'm knee-deep in overalls that need to be sold by the end of today. When I hired you two is because you had a proficiency in sales. You were both top execs at Lehman Brothers, and I brought you in here to Oshkosh B'gosh because I'm fucking neck deep and over- now you're making me swear. I have to put a dollar in the swear jar.

Kevin, look what's in my bag. Is this Star Wars Legos? What?

Oh my god. The William Falcon? Oh my god, that's Ray's ship.

Yeah, oh, I know it is Ray's ship only I wonder if there are any CEOs I wonder, are there any CEOs in this room who would maybe like the Star Wars?

Uh, maybe I should just take a look at it as your boss. Can I please? Sure!

Look at the Leningrad Foundation! You know what? Actually, Kevin, before you take a look at that, you know, look what I have here in my backpack. It's a condom that's six years old. What? I'm sorry. That's wildly inappropriate.

Jeffrey, have you not had sex in six years?

If you're married and exclusively raw dog with your wife, you don't want to have a condom be found in your bag, by the way. Why are you still holding on to it? At six years old, I keep it as a reminder of the life I gave up. The Life You Gave Up of Protected Sex? That's like giving up sleeping with socks on.

I wish we had gotten into more Oshkosh B'gosh business.

All I know is overalls.

Yeah, just like train-themed clothing.

I love the hard truth of that kids will know it as Raceship or like that kids will know R2-D2 is like weird BB-8. Yeah, I know, it's so embarrassing.

The craziest thing I think about with the youngest generation is that tapping two fingers on your wrist to see if they know what time it is is a gesture that will be washed out.

Oh, I never even thought about that.

Why does that make me sad? Because now everyone should know what time it is because we all have phones on us.

We're going to be able to see it in our eyeballs soon.

As a matter of fact, I shot something and the kid, the child PA, I mean, he's like 22, but he had like a watch and it was on his belt. Like he had it like through a loop on his jeans. What? And he's like, yeah, that way I don't have to take my phone out at work. And I'm like, you know, you could just wear that on your wrist. And it was like lost on him that it was- Was it a wristwatch or a pocket watch?

It was a wristwatch.

It was like one of those G-Shock watches.

I guess any watch is a pocket watch if you're an asshole.

Yeah, I guess you can keep wristwatches in your pocket. That's what you call your phone, right? Pocket watch?

It's my pocket watch. I have it on airplane mode so it's essentially useless. It's a $900 pocket watch. It's a family heirloom iPhone XR. I don't know I do this all the time because I wear a watch or it's a Fitbit but it's a watch when I talk about like something that happened like months ago and I'm like searching for like oh yeah it's been like since April I'll look at my watch involuntarily I don't know why like there's not it's not like this will tell me how many days it's been since I don't know that's the only time I ever look at my watch

I've been contemplating getting a watch because looking to figure out what time it is on my phone is a nine minute process. I find myself, I'm like, oh shit, how am I on Instagram searching thick thighs? I was just pulling out my phone.

How is thick spelled?

Two Cs.

I go to Pornhub.com slash time. That's the category I search.

That's what gets me there. When people come up to me and ask for directions, I literally take out my phone, look at my phone, and then go, I don't know where to go. But there's something in my Midwest brain that's like, take out your phone like you're trying, and then tell them the bad news.

I think the most fucked up direction thing I've ever had is I was walking along the streets of Chicago in a city bus, a Chicago city bus. It was the Ashland bus. Flagged me down, like yelled at me, and a lady goes, do you know which way Southport is? Who was driving the bus. And I was like, yeah, and I was on Ashland. She goes, do you know which way Southport is? And I was like, I think it's that way. And then I walked away and she turned and I was like, oh, Southport is not that way. I was like, why did a bus driver

She stole that bus. That was a speed situation.

Yeah, it was Sandra Bullock. Listen, you can break. You don't have to stay at 55. You can break, but you must find software. You have to get to a Lululemon in the next 50 minutes.

Like the most bougie street. It was like it shook me to my core that that was a question that was asked of me a pedestrian.

I want to go to the street that has 11 anthropologists on it.

That's my least favorite area to talk about because it's called Southport Corridor, which I just find disgusting. Southport Corridor has too many or sounds.

Southport Corridor.

It's all like the Tony, it's just like a, yeah. The Tony? T-O-N-E-Y, like a very rich, affluent neighborhood. It's a Tony-nominated neighborhood. Everyone's just like, Tony, Tony, Tony. It's Tony Collette. That's where they live.

Tony Collette lives there. Tony Stark. It's wealthy in Tony Stark. Fucking Iron Man bots always patrolling that street. People singing musicals. It fucking sucks there.

It's my dream neighborhood. Saving up my pennies so I can live there one day.

Okay, cool. So this is, again, this is from Adam. This is a riddle that a third grade student told him. Imagine you're on a rowboat on the open ocean. There's a hole in the boat and it's slowly sinking. You don't have any oars or any supplies, and the boat is surrounded by sharks. How do you escape?

I know the answer, but I will recuse myself from this.

Well, that still makes you have, like, you're swinging around your big riddle dick.

Please, my beard is cute ever.

Is this like a word one where, like, you see what you saw, and you see the hole?

Take the saw, you cut the table in half, and two halves equal a hole.

I don't know. I don't think it's quite that. But this is, I would say that whenever, like, children do riddles, the answer, I feel like, is always, like, simplistic in a way. Because kids are little fucking dummies. Yeah.

It's my favorite thing about them, that they're little fuck dummies. Wait, what'd you call them?

What you said? What you said?

Well, they're little fucking dummies, so maybe they're like a fun sassy chili pepper, or like a terrorist. Jeff Dunham is a great comedian.

My favorite thing about kids is that, I don't have kids obviously, and I think it's something that I forget is that you can just lie to them and they have no recourse but to believe you. So like you can tell them that the car doesn't start unless you're wearing your seatbelt, and then they're like, oh, that must be true.

Yeah, if they believe in Santa Claus, they'll believe that the car doesn't start.

Yeah, they'll believe in anything, which is great.

My favorite age for a kid to be is seven, because that's when they learn how to lie, but they don't know how much is too much. So with full arrogance and confidence, they will die on the hill of a lie that is absolutely out of control.

I think I was 35 years old when I thought back to how much I thought I lied to, like, even when I was in high school, where I was like, I fooled my parents and how much they were just like, it doesn't even matter that We're just gonna say, yeah, sure, you're sleeping at Jared's house. Where are your parents? You're dumb. We know. We're adults.

You're drinking in the middle of the woods if we know.

Yeah, you come back to the home drunk. We get it.

Can you say the riddle again?

Yes. Imagine you're on a rowboat on the open ocean. There's a hole in the boat and it's slowly sinking. You don't have any oars or any supplies and the boat is surrounded by sharks. How do you escape?

I know the answer. Okay. Erin, can we give you a hint?

No.

It involves befriending the shark.

Yes, the shark is your friend. I think they did list a hint. Erin, do you want a hint from Adam? Sure. Okay, I'm sorry. Not a great hint. It's read it word for word, which is something I think I've done twice, but that's the hint that Adam gave.

I solved it. I know these stupid loophole riddles.

What is it?

Stop imagining.

That is correct. The only way to escape is to stop imagining.

Oh, it's like your eyes. It answers your eyes because you were sleeping. But it's like the door, the door is the one that you think that you're, uh, that you're like, ah, the door and loophole.

Jokes on them, I sleep with my eyes open.

Yeah, jokes on them. Cut my eyelids off when I was 21. Cut my eyelids in two pieces.

You really freak out my colleagues every day.

We're having one of those kind of turf battles where they're like, I think you drank all my fucking smart water, so I'm going to cut my own eyelids off.

Despite you. Cut off my eyelids despite my face, is the old saying. I want to see a scene, the three of you are the band Imagine Dragons. Oh, I love this. You've seen that people have started to carry signs that say stop imagining in answer to this riddle, which has taken off like wildfire.

Sure.

But you think that it's a slide against the band Imagine Dragons yourselves. Yeah.

Hey guys. Yeah? Do you think all these people hate us because all of our songs sound the same?

It can't be that. No, it can't be that. That's why people love us.

Okay, well name three of our songs.

Okay, I want to say Maroon 5. Is that one of our songs?

Yeah, that's one of them.

Okay. We do the cover of the Charlie Daniels band, Devil Went Down to Georgia.

We do that. We do that. We do the hell out of that. It's a cover that we play exactly like the original.

That's what I do in the song. Do you think these stop-imagining signs are for us, John Lennon, or that riddle that's taken over the world?

I hope it's for John Lennon.

I like to pivot into a scene where it's three John Lennons and you're feeling the same way. Gotcha.

I'm sorry, John, are you sick?

John, are you sick, John? We're all doing McCartney. We're doing good impressions of McCartney. What did you say? We're all doing a Paul McCartney. Because he's our best friend. This is an honor to him.

Don't let Yoko find out. She's my best friend. And now you're three Ringo's and it's your time to shine.

Ringo has my favorite singing voice of all the Beatles.

Did Ringo sing 8 Days a Week?

No, he sang Goodbye, Little Help from My Friends, Yellow Submarine.

Did George sing any songs?

Yeah, a ton.

Wall of My Guitar Gently Weeps? Yes, he did sing that. I would never be able to distinguish any of the Beatles by their accents.

Oh yeah, I can't even do... I've been doing improv for like 15 years and I can't do any accents. It's the most humiliating thing ever. It's like a scene, it's like, listen up Beatles, and I'm like, I got to go! It's always like Rastafarian accents I'm doing.

I teach improv classes and there was a person who initiated a scene in an Australian accent and then it went downhill immediately because they couldn't do an Australian accent and after the scene I was like, Hey, man, you're just like, why? Why did you make that choice? Like, you're making this way harder on yourself.

If it's a group game where everyone's doing an accent and I'm in it, the premise of the scene immediately becomes I'm undercover. Hey, where are you from? They're like, you sound like a New Yorker trying to do our accent. I'm like, oh,

I was like anytime somebody starts a scene with me with an accent, I like to just fuck them over by saying, speak in your native tongue. And then that stomps the scene real quick.

And that's the goal, is to end the scene. Chicago style, LA style, New York style, they're all different.

We're all aiming to end the scenes as quickly and early as possible. Chicago style is to win improv. There's a king and queen crowned at the end of every show. That's where the Olympic part comes from.

You stand by the bar and you wait to get your compliment.

Just like the Greeks did. Oh, what a sad life. You get your paycheck. So I read this riddle ahead of time, obviously, in preparation for the show.

Thank you for your service. But the other ones you did not. Thank you for your service.

Dylan Valor. The modicum of responsibility for this show. And I will say that I did not fucking understand it at all.

We should mention that we just probably cut out like a minute and a half pause where JPC looked up the word modicum.

I went to Pornhub.com slash time and I searched for my favorite category, which is modicum.

What do you think would come up?

I don't know.

I don't want to know. If you google cum?

Have you searched time as like a porn category? It'd be like filter by time maybe?

It'd be like a guy comes in a minute or something, right?

I think it'll be stuff like that or stuff like it's blank time, like it's party time and a guy with a bear head comes up.

Oh, that'd be great.

Oh, so your favorite one.

It might also be like wrinkled penis. That's true. Wrinkled penis.

Wrinkled penis.

I'm gonna look it up.

Well, my favorite part about this is we did a riddle for children, and so I know that people have kids that listen to this podcast.

Oh, yeah, they do.

I bet they were like, riddle for kids. Hey, Sally, come in here and listen to this riddle from the podcast.

To be fair, we titled this Hollywood Nights.

Yeah, that's true. They should know. They know.

Someone just told us they're seven-year-old listens. Erin is in a virtual reality setup with noise-canceling headphones, and she's sweating profusely. I think she's hacked into it. She's looking up time. This is, holy shit, watching this is stressful. She looks like, I'm getting horny. I got the dirty twirls! I got the dirty twirls!

She looks like in Avengers Infinity War, like Doctor Strange. I've seen all the possible outcomes.

And we only live in one of them. I've seen all the time comes. We only come in one of the scenarios.

Here's the riddle in all its glory.

Why is a mouse when it turns?

There's also a clue here which is an explanation which I also think will not help and I will read it to you now.

JPC, real quick, just because I'm feeling weird about it. Please say horny. My Yakov Caveman joke, did you like 1 to 10?

Oh yeah, that was a 1 to 10.

It was a Chicago 8 though.

Yeah, in LA people would be like, what? Skinny margarita?

Don't do vocal fry, I cannot listen to that.

But in Branson, Missouri, where Yakov still is doing eight shows a day, that was crushed.

Yeah, I'm sorry. Eight shows a day in his hotel room.

No, Yakov has like a residency and they have like a 10 a.m., a 1 p.m., a 4 p.m., and a 7 p.m. or something like that.

Holy shit, is he still doing like his 80s routine?

I think it's, I guarantee it.

Because that's what people want.

I'm sure he's not like, in collusion Russia has, you know, he's not top updating.

In current Russia, not Soviet Union, things are bad.

Sorry, Adal, I'm so fucking young, I don't know who that is. Here is the answer, or here's a clue for you. The clue for the mouse one is actually the answer, because the answer is part of the riddle. The higher, the fewer. Why is a mouse, when it turns, the higher the fewer? And fewer is spelled F-U-H-E-R? F-E-W-E-R. Other clue, what situation would a mouse be very high up?

It's at summer camp and it's on the diving board. It's trying to have the courage to jump.

It's runaway Ralph goes to summer camp. You said wreck it wrong. Erin, I want to see a scene. You're a mouse at summer camp.

Okay.

This is Fievel goes camp. And you're trying to impress your fellow mice campmates.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. You're brave. You're not going to drown. Hey everybody, look at me. I'm going to jump.

Whoa, you're gonna drown.

No, no. Mice can swim.

Fievel, I'm not sure if this is the best idea.

Why do you say that?

Because you've nearly died twice so far doing one of your lake stunts.

Just because I'm the smallest animal here doesn't mean I can't do all the same camp stuff that you can do.

We're all mice. We're all roughly the same size.

Ah yes, I know. I'm a big ol' fat mouse. That's because I ate a full brick of cheese and it turned out I was lactose intolerant. Are you fat shaming Gus Gus? No, I love Gus Gus. And I love you, Fievel, and that's why I'm scared to see you get off of that high dive.

I'm gonna look so cute flying through the air off this high dive. You're gonna see a mouse fly. You're gonna think I'm a bird for a second.

First of all, Fievel, we can't reiterate enough. We're all mice. You don't have to say that you're a mouse.

I'm a mouse. And here's the thing. I'm gonna jump in naked.

Okay. Yeah. All right.

But whatever you do, don't take my clothes while I jump in. And then when I get out, my clothes are gone. That would be crazy. I'm a mouse.

Do you have the swirls?

What?

Do you have the fuck squirrels? What are they called?

I have the fuck squirrels.

Wait, Fivala, you fucked a squirrel? Squirrel fuck? Yeah. Oh, you gave Shia a handjob?

Yeah, I- it's camp, you're supposed to- Wow, Fievel fucked a squirrel!

Fievel's the coolest mouse at camp! Hey, guys! Yeah, Fievel- I was about to say, better not be shaming Fievel, but I guess we're lifting Fievel up onto our shoulders. It's cool to fuck a squirrel! It's one of the coolest things you could do at summer camp. I gave a raccoon a handjob.

You did?

Uh-huh.

I gave a marmot a blowy.

What'd you do, Gus Gus?

I ate out a songbird. Scene. That's the title of this episode!

I wanted to cut to that! They say one more thing here, which is, why is a mouse when it turns is an intentionally poorly worded way of asking, why does a mouse to continue to be when it turns?

I have no idea what's happening.

And they say, further on, the answer, the higher the fewer, holds the key. So this is the answer to this riddle. It's going to be supremely disappointing.

Do we know what, do we know, like, there's a murder of crows or, like, a pod of whales? Do we know, like, what a group of mice is? Is that what it is? A summer camp. A summer camp. A problem of mice. Oh, a rat king, yeah. A snake buffet.

Do you guys want to go to Snake Buffet?

Can't we just go to Old Country Buffet? No, no, no.

In the Old Country there was a lot of... Snake Buffet is an all-male strip club, but they also have a really good buffet. It's just decorated with snakes. But it's all snake. Yeah. No, so here's the answer. It's the higher the fewer. The only time mice have high elevation is in the claws of a bird of prey. Hence, the higher the fewer. Thus, mice turn quickly to juke or break the ankles of birds of prey so they can continue to survive.

Is that true?

It's something I did not know. It doesn't say if it's true. All mice are like little Allen Iversons.

Wild use of the word juke. It's like an 1800s riddle and then it's like he'll deke a motherfucker out, leave his ankles broken on the streets. All of a sudden it turns into an And One mixtape in the middle of talking about like a mouse, an old timey mouse riddle.

Stefan Marbury's a mouse. Barry Sanders, yeah.

Wait, is that true?

I can only assume it's true. I have no idea.

I feel like if you have nine clues that are longer than the original riddle, it's failed as a riddle.

I want to see a scene. JPC, you are a bird of prey. Gabrus, you're a mouse that's caught in the talons of this bird of prey, and you're trying to get out however you can. Little Mouse.

Thanks, Rick. It's my kill.

Very cool. Can you throw me, like, half his body?

Yeah, you want front or back?

I want butt, dude.

Hell yeah. Oh, fuck yeah, Rick. Rick and I have something in common. I know, I have gallows humor. You're an ass man? Oh, I'm a big-time ass man. Hell yeah. Rick, this mouse is an ass man.

Oh, fuck yeah, dude. It'll be an honor to eat you, my man.

A lot of my friends are blouse mouses, but not me. I'm an ice mice. Damn, you know what? Fuck, it's sad. I'm gonna miss you. It's gonna be sad to eat you, my man. Hey man, just like our boy Elton John always says, this is the circle of life. So you could do this. You could do this to me as soon as I just... Okay, okay, hold on, man.

I cannot get out of this thing. Look, Rick and I, we like you. You're cool. Rick's still very far away. What's up? But we'll make you a deal, man. We'll let you go if you eat both of our asses.

I got a deal for you. How about instead I... Okay, this is really not working at this point. You were lunging for my ass. Yeah, well... You know, they say I got a sickness for the thickness. If you can make... Oh, I got shot by a hunter! No! Before I even got to eat his ass!

Hunter, great shot!

Thanks, dude!

So many scenes in with Erin looking at me and shooting me with a gun and saying thanks, dude. Thanks, dude Make me sing like a songbird. Okay, cool. Let's This one is a Riddle that I really like because this is from a person in Carrie. Carrie says they're a huge fan of the show It's their favorite podcast. Sorry Bruce. No, wait, they say hi. Mighty's great, too. Oh

They'll listen to a few more. It sounds like someone just learned what podcast this is. If someone said to me, High and Mighty was their favorite podcast, I'd be like, let me list 10 others you should try.

Two months later, they're like, where has Cereal been this whole time? Have you heard of NPR? That's my favorite, like any sort of podcasting list is just like, oh my god, listen to Serial. Reply All and 99% Invisible. It's like, yeah, these have been around forever.

They're amazing. Dig deeper. This one I wanted to read specifically because Kerry also says, as a postscript, when I first listened to the show, this is what I thought you guys looked like based on your voices. I don't want to hear this.

I'm dying to hear this.

I know. I could guarantee that reaction from both of you. Adal, they gave you a picture of Matt Besser, who appears to also be recording a podcast of this picture, which I've listened to Besser on podcasts, I don't hear it, but to each their own. I hear it.

Yeah, he has like a higher cadence, right? Yeah, it's a male vocal range. I feel like I have a more sonorous tone.

Erin, would you like to wager a guess as to who they gave you?

Um, a potted plant with googly eyes.

Is it Matilda from the Roald Dahl books?

Oh my god, I hope so.

Uh, no, it is, uh, it is, I want to say, like, season 2 Rachel from Friends, Jennifer Aniston.

Seriously?

Yeah, that's who they gave you.

That's what they, uh... Oh my god!

That's a high comp.

Am I America's sweetheart all of a sudden? Is everyone going to try to get my haircut? Holy shit.

Is everyone going to try to get my haircut? Off of a podcast? I got the Erin. It's kind of hard because I have no idea what she looks like.

But it's also they're gonna take scissors to your hair. Yeah, exactly. My man, you got a bowl cut. That's crazy.

There's a seven-year-old boy who listened to our podcast and he drew pictures of us and he made me blonde and it like made me confident for a week.

There's a seven-year-old who listens to this podcast? Oh, I apologize.

Yeah, it's tough. We've said worse. And then they gave me Harris Whittles. Okay, that's more predictive than anything else. Wow!

I get a lot of when we go to like cons or something for magic tavern a lot of people will come up and be like Arnie you don't look like I thought you look Matt you look nothing like we thought you said or sounds like and they'll be like yeah Chuck Adel you look like a badger like what the fuck does that sound like a scummy you look like a little animal yeah what the fuck I get a lot you're much bigger in person than I thought and then I'm like bigger

Thanks for watching. If you ever meet your favorite female podcasters, always say, you look so much bigger than you sound.

Well, this person hit the nail on the head of how beautiful I am and how I look like I'm from the 90s.

You look more derpy than I thought you would. I thought you'd be funnier in person. All right, so here's the riddle. Oh, there's actually a few. I think we'll do this one. When I left, I didn't know where I was going. When I got there, I didn't know where I was. When I returned, I didn't know where I had been. Who was I? Lost Kid in the Mall. Lost Kid in the Mall. Adal, you got it. Famous trope, Lost Kid in the Mall.

I'm so sorry, can we back up? Who wrote these riddles?

This is a person who's, and I want to make sure, this is Carrie.

This is Carrie. Or they didn't write them, they just sent them in.

They did. Here are some riddies and pussies. The first five are classics, I know, and the last one is something I came up with. This is, their name is Carrie Oreo.

And is this the one they came up with?

No, this is one of the classics.

Because if it's a classic, I'm going to shift my mentality versus if it's a made-up one.

Would you read it again? Yes, I will. And I'll give you a hint. This is a specific person. When I left, I didn't know where I was going. When I got there, I didn't know where I was. When I returned, I didn't know where I had been. Who was I?

Christopher Columbus.

It was Christopher Columbus, Erin.

The hero of the world. Everyone's favorite.

He saved us. For some reason, Italian people are really proud of Christopher Columbus.

Fun fact about him, he discovered North America. Oh, interesting. And it didn't exist before he found it.

Rich man's Magellan.

Yeah, and he seeded the land with people and horses.

And disease.

Gabrus, you said that you liked math, so here is more of a numbers Riddle. Yes. A man buys a rope from a woman for $3 and hands the woman a $10 bill. The woman goes into the grocery store next door to get change. She returns and gives the man $7. After the man leaves, the clerk from the store comes and says, Hey, that was a counterfeit bill you gave me. The woman gives the clerk a good bill. How much has the woman lost? Is Good Bill a person? Good Bill is a follow-up to Good Burger.

Good Bill is the prequel to Kill Bill. David Carradine in the back of a U-Haul is all I want to see now. Hey David, have you seen my belts and closet? The legend continues.

A man buys a rope from a woman for $3. So, buys the rope from a woman for $3, gives her a $10 bill, she goes to the store to get change, gives him $7, and then finds out the bill is counterfeit. How much did the woman lose? She lost $17, right?

She gives him the real bill, right? How much did the woman lose? Rope.

Thank you, rope. Rope is partial. That's a partial part of this answer.

So, rope and $3.

Rope and $7. And for whatever reason, Erin, they put in the answer to this, $7 plus rope, this one made me think of Erin.

Uh, why?

Because your writer for live shows has just $7 in a rope list.

Hey, you guys think Erin's going through some stuff? She's always asking for rope.

I want $7 in nickels, and I want a rope.

I'd like to see a scene where you are a woman who is standing outside of a grocery store, because this is, and you are selling a piece of rope, and Adal and Gabrus, you two are men that are starting a bidding war to buy this rope from this woman.

If you want to look at my trench coat, I have some stuff in here.

I could use a small length of rope. I'm a Muay Thai fighter, I could use a small length of rope.

Why do you need rope?

I'm a rock climber, and I could use it to rappel up and down the rocks.

Alright, well what do you have? And I don't want money.

I'm

He's 17, but I could change it up.

I could promise you my firstborn child, but I'm pretty sure I'm shooting blanks because I spend hours a day in a hot tub in a Speedo, so I can't imagine.

And climbing rope, climbing up.

Oh yeah, climbing up the rocks and then getting up and then climbing back down and getting right back into a hot tub. Drinking Mountain Dew, smoking marijuana. What flavor Mountain Dew are we talking? Code Red.

That'll do it. MDCR, baby, for life. I could write you a little limerick.

That's stupid. I don't want that.

What are we gonna trade that for?

How about $40?

Did you say you didn't want money? I'll take $40.

I wanna hear that limerick you were gonna do.

$40.

There once was a man with a rope. His life, my dear, had no hope. He strung it up high. He's doing it. Tied it to his thigh.

He's doing it.

I can trap many different things and colors, ever-changing, not boring.

Look closely and you may find yourself also caught in my trap. Okay. Mirror. Ooh, yeah, it's pronounced corridor. Got it. Yes, the answer is a mirror.

I mean, that's not pretty good to me.

Does it come out M-E-E-R?

It comes out M-E-E-R-A, like look in the mirror. Mirror. Mirror. Look at yourself in the mirror, you fucking fanook.

I'm from Boston, so they say mirror.

Mirror.

Look at yourself in the mirror.

What's a fanook? It's in that family of Italian slurs where you just say, like, fanook, mook, jamook, you know, like, where it's like, look at this, fonzaloon, or whatever.

It starts with a consonant, ends with a hard K. Yeah, yeah.

And all that matters is, like, people know just by your intonation. That's, like, my favorite thing about Italian-American slang, is that it's always like, you don't have to even say a word. You just go, marron. Everyone knows what you mean. Like, what does that translate to? You're like, I don't know.

Look at this gabagadoosh.

Riddle Riddle

They're hiding a doggie. My sister-in-law, the kid's mother, is like, it's a doggie. My nephew's like three. He's like, doggie.

And I'm like, there you go, brother. I feel like wow wow's like a slang for vagina or something.

Look at this wow wow.

I like to FaceTime my nephew and show him his aunt's pussy.

Honey, get in here. Show your wow wow to our godson. Gabrus, you're a Long Island teacher teaching an English class, and we're your students. All right, class, take out your books. We're going to chapter one. We're going to start right from the top of this thing. And it's prepositions, all right?

Prepositions.

Prepositions. Prepositions.

Prepositions.

Prepositions.

Prepositions.

About, above, across, after, against, along.

After.

Across. Before. Across.

Jesus died on a cross. Before. After.

Jabroni. Tony. What's up? Slow down here, okay? That's wildly disrespectful. Ooh, I want to hear a knock-knock, Jabroni. Guys, what did I say? Jamoke is off-limits. We can't call anyone fuckwads.

Because Dwayne Johnson uses it? Because Dwayne Johnson uses it.

And that motherfucker ruined my wrestling career. Tell the story again! Alright, I didn't understand fully how wrestling was an act. So I was a jobber coming up, wrestling by my own name. What was your name? Lenny from Of Mice and Men. Wasn't your finishing move the Pet the Rabbit? Yeah, and it was bad. You killed three men. That's how Kurt Angle died. Yeah, I wrestled Kurt Angle, Chris Benoit, and Eddie Guerrero. And on the fourth day I was wrestling Dwayne the Rock Johnson back when he was the Brahma Bull. And I decided, listen up motherfucker, and I tried to give him my finishing move, the Pet the Rabbit. But then he georged me. And he rock-botted me behind the barn.

Were you looking away or facing him?

He looked away. Gary Sinise was there watching, which was weird. They have similar eyebrows.

They do have similar eyebrows. Teacher, I gotta tell you something. My mom has a poster of you in her room. A Lenny from Mice and Men poster. She kisses it every night before she goes to sleep. You're a hero in our house.

The only hero in my house is a chicken-colored parmesan that I bought from my hero in Jerusalem.

My mom has the dirty swirls for you. You should come over.

I wish I could, but when Rock Bottom smashed me I landed butt-first on a traffic cone and it popped out the front and knocked my peepee clean off. I told you I didn't want to tell this story again.

You guys know that I tell this story every week. Is it true also that the band Maroon 5 stole their name from you?

Yeah, that Adam Levine prick. I wrestled him when we were doing low-level indie wrestling in Maplewood, New Jersey. Scene. Scene.

Oh, I could be in that scene for a hundred years.

Are you kidding? That's just... I finally get to use my real voice. Okay, so this is the accent I put on. Is Gabrus Italian? No, but that's my dad's real dad. Is that German or Polish? It's weird because we think it's Polish and that it was Gabruski at Ellis Island, but my dad's real dad abandoned him so we never knew him. I'm sorry, I brought this up.

You're crying.

It's funny because I've totally taken the name and been like, call me Gabrus. And then as I got older, my dad was like, I'm like, what is the name Gabrus? He's like, I don't know. My dad never told me before he left. And I was like, oh, OK, cool. Too late to turn back. Yeah, and my mom's last name is Valentino. And when I was a kid, I thought I would change my name to Johnny Valentino. Johnny Valentino.

That sounds like a wrestler. That sounds like Johnny Valentino.

Was that ethnic enough to get cast in a fucking pilot?

A character from the Outsiders? Is that what it's called? Like Soda Pops?

Yeah, Jay Golden, Johnny Valentino. Ponyboy, Soda Pop, Darry, and Johnny Valentino. Johnny Valentino's in the parking lot! Everybody run! Scram! They're gonna drag race!

Like a 50's crooner. Nice getaway sticks, Valentino.

He asked me to the dance.

Cherry Valance, will you go to the dance with Johnny Valentino?

My father will kill me.

The bad guy in Grease 3.

This is a riddle that Kerry actually wrote.

How are we doing on time? Is this going to be our last one?

Yeah, this is our last riddle. So, a man walks into a restaurant to meet some friends for drinks. He's the first to arrive. The waiter asks how many for the table. The man raises two fingers and the waiter takes him to a table for five. Why did he do this?

The man's Roman. He's Roman. He's holding up a V for Vendetta.

Yeah, it's V for Vendetta. Roman numeral for five. So the man is a Roman. It's an Italian restaurant. He holds up a V. The waiter takes him to a table for five. He says, what the fuck are you doing?

The man is Roman.

I want a table for two. This is how people say two. But actually Adal was holding up middle and index fingers. The Riddle says that the way that they make the V is the thumb and the pointer finger.

Really? That's how Romans make the V?

Is this like a Inglorious Bastard situation where it's like... It's the thumb and the pointer finger, then they put it in between their mouth and then they do like the little tongue action on it.

Party for five! For listeners, Erin has a real gun in her mouth and she's saying...

It's cute sounding, but it's visceral to sing. It's truly upsetting. It's like Deer Hunter, but with cuter sound effects. A pew pew! A pew pew pew!

If somebody can take the clip from Deer Hunter with, who is it? De Niro and Walken? Doing the Russian Roulette and just replace pew pew every time they pull the trigger.

Diddy mow!

A pew pew!

A pew pew pew!

I will Venmo you $75.

We've asked Erin to stop bringing guns to the recordings. She won't do it. It's Hollywood Nights, baby. She bought a gun when we landed. Our Lyft driver sold her a gun. Gabrus, thank you so much for being on the podcast.

Thanks for having me, guys.

Is there anything that you would like to plug?

Yeah, check out my podcast High and Mighty, or Raise My TV, or Action Boys. And if you're not a listener to High and Mighty, start with the forthcoming episode featuring Hey Riddle Riddle on High and Mighty.

Hell yeah. And I'm a big fan of all you do. I've never heard of Action Boys. What is that?

Oh, Action Boys is what everyone's been waiting for. It's three white, straight men talking about action movies that range from the classic action movies from the mid-70s to the mid-90s.

It's a Patreon podcast?

Yeah, and it's like no episode is under two and a half hours. Every episode's longer than the movie we're covering, somehow.

Is it out now, or is it coming up?

It's been out now. Yeah, we got a bunch of episodes. So you can jump on for $5, listen to 100 episodes, and then jump off.

Who are the two that you recorded with?

Ben Rogers and Ryan Stanger, two LA-based comedy guys. And if this is at all appealing to you and the sound of it, we've released a bunch of free episodes of Action Boys on the High and Mighty feed, so you can search for it there and listen to some old ones and shit like that. In case you don't have $5. But in case you do, give it to Dan.

You can check out our patreon at patreon.com slash hey riddle riddle we have new episodes every Friday so check that out you get double the content and we got way less episodes than action boys has right action boys technically a better deal

It's a better deal if you have any interest in this. I'm assuming if you're at the penultimate minute of Hey Riddle Riddle, you might be into their Patreon.

We actually have a pretty good deal, which is for $15, we have a Patreon that's Hey Action Action, and we will play both podcasts at the same time.

Follow me on Instagram Erin Keif 10 and I'll plug my shows there.

Yep, you can follow me on Twitter, JPSoFly, or Instagram, sharkbarkman, to see pictures of my dog exclusively! Um, Spaghetti's getting pretty big, so you're gonna wanna jump on that Instagram train now.

Before the dog's too big to be in photos.

I'm backing up every photo I take and I live very close to a cliff so I'm so worried. It's just not sustainable.

JPC is not sustainable. The dog is too big. And Erin, the bullet that's eventually gonna kill you has what word written on the side? Jupiter. Bye forever.

That was a HeadGum Podcast.