Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast. Don't panic. It's not the theme song. We're really sorry, but we have to tell you something.

But, but, but, but, but, but, but. Yeah, we have to tell you. Our lawyers say we legally, we have to say this.

We have a live show this Sunday, the 12th of May in LA. It's this Sunday. So you are, if you're listening, like a good little boy or girl, the week or day this comes out.

You're sitting around this fireside chat. Go grab your daddy's wallet and steal.

So where can they find tickets?

They can go to headgum.com slash live, go to the Hey Riddle Riddle, click the link and it'll send you off to the LA Improv's website where you can buy tickets.

What do they bring? If you come, bring yourselves, bring a good fucking attitude because we don't want to fucking hang out with people who are sad.

You hear that mom?

Also, you're going to want to bring some puzzies and riddies because at the end of the show we're going to take some audience puzzies and riddies, we'll call upon you, you might hear yourself on an episode so bring those please. Also, you can dress up as your favorite characters. Wear your merch. You can wear your merch and we're going to have new merch for sale. We have a brand new poster that's smoking hot for our LA show. We have some pins that we're going to sell and some pins that Erin's going to drink. So come to our live show. Check it out. There's limited tickets remaining. We hope to sell it out, but we will see you there.

Happy Mother's Day. We love our moms! It was the captain of an airplane.

He stabbed him with a knife and a...

No, my brain is basically just water and mashed potatoes. With no electricity going through them, it's just that.

I mean a little bit of water ruined mashed potatoes. And that's gonna be our opening for this episode of Hey Riddle Riddle. I'm Adal Rifai.

I'm JPC, and I'm Erin Keif, and that was a personal statement I sent to Fred.

We were doing some mic tests, Erin said her brain is mostly water and mashed potatoes, and that is awesome.

But while we're kicking off and while we're talking about this, this is something that I'm glad that we brought up at the top. I'm glad Erin brought up at the top of the episode because shining a light on brains being mashed potatoes is an important issue that we did to talk about. But I found it to be a very controversial thing. What is your favorite way to eat potatoes? Like your favorite method?

To eat a brain.

And your two options are live or dead. Ooh, live. Yeah, live, of course.

So you can get their memories.

No, uh, yeah, favorite preparation way to eat a potato? Scalloped.

I was gonna say scalloped.

Scalloped? Scalloped is a sleeper. Uh, because I feel like people wouldn't say scalloped.

My mom makes excellent scalloped.

My mom made excellent scalloped potatoes. Do we have to say mom? One, two, three.

My grandma!

Do you say my grandma? Yeah, my grandma makes great scalloped potatoes. My grandma and your grandma making scalloped potatoes.

Well, I would argue that there's really no horrible way to prepare them. I love... I love mashed potatoes and I love french fries. Adal just handed me a box of french fries and he didn't even have to text me to know that I wanted them. He just brought them for me because he knew I'd eat them.

For those who can't see it is a bank box full of fries. It is about three and a half pounds and Erin went through them very quick.

I blinked and they were gone.

I think my favorite way to eat mashed potatoes is waffle fries. I think waffle fries are, that's my favorite type of potato. What do you dip those into?

Ranch?

Ranch. Chick-fil-A does, but we're not allowed to go there anymore because they're canceled 2019. Sorry. But yeah, you see at the Chick-fil-A on my college campus when, again, it was still bad to eat them. I used to love those waffle fries.

Well, how do we feel about sweet potatoes and sweet potato fries?

I'm generally into sweet potato fries, but I don't want a full order. I want three sweet potato fries, because I feel like it's diminishing returns when I eat sweet potato fries. The more I eat them, the less I want to like, I feel like French fries, I could just eat and eat and eat forever, but sweet potato fries.

That's why I feel about candy corn versus real corn.

I could eat candy corn forever.

I could eat candy corn forever. Real corn, one or two lines on the cob, and I'm done.

Alright, I get the subtext. You guys are not invited to my dinners anymore. You don't like my side dish of candy corn. I have free candy corn. Oh my god.

I love it here.

Okay, you two billionaires are too big for candy corn on the cob. It took me hours to put that together.

You're just gluing candy corn.

I'm not a money doctor, but I have to assume candy corn is way more expensive than real corn.

So you're the millionaire, my friend.

Really using real glue.

Real glue fake corn. Okay, so the other question is what is your least favorite way to eat potatoes? Like your least favorite preparation? Or when it's in a butt. Oh, butt potatoes? Gotta disagree. Yeah, honestly, I'll eat any potato out of a butt. So raw is Mr. Genius's response. You feel good?

I'm not like constantly ordering baked potatoes, potato skins.

You mean a jacket potato? No.

Oh boy. Baked potatoes take so long to make. Mariah and I made baked potatoes the other night and it takes like an hour and 15 minutes just to bake a potato.

You had nothing to talk about.

We just sat in silence.

I feel like just like new potatoes. That's not really a preparation. What does that mean? Just like baby red. Oh, okay. If you just get a plate of like quartered potatoes that are like baby red with seasoning. Okay.

Here's some new potatoes and you're like... Oh, I love like breakfast. But those sound like breakfast potatoes. Yeah.

No, they're not like fried. It's just like seasoned and... And baked? Maybe baked but...

Oh, yeah.

I love potato salad, but I don't like, just like a quartered potato. I love baked potato. Baked potato is probably my second favorite preparation. Mashed potato's near the bottom.

You know that?

Oh really? I don't, I hate gravy. Oh wow! No! Adal said it so!

Oh no, we thought we loved you. We thought this was gonna work.

What are the fucking gravy pulleys? One of the things that sucks a lot about being a vegetarian is gravy is made with meat stock and so like and wheat and wheat well yeah so fuck so I think it's because I miss it I think it's because I miss it so much I loved gravy and you can make vegetarian gravy and I do but it's gravy I go to brunch every Sunday at the same place and the things I get has gravy on

You know that really cold day we had this year? Wherever I had to stay inside? Well today, but also like in January. Polar vortex, yeah. I just bought like eight potatoes and then cut them up in small pieces and put a bunch of olive oil on them and then just ate that for three days.

This has been Pod Tato, your podcast for all things potato. We hope you enjoy the show. Give us an email at podtato.potatoes at we're so sorry dot com.

Is this a regular episode? We gotta do Riddles. This is a regular episode. I forgot what was happening.

Old lady potatoes. This is Erin Keif. My least favorite is Home Fries.

Oh, and they say potatoes.

Potatoes and risottos.

That's what we should, instead of puzzles and riddles.

Oh my god.

Today we should do potatoes and risottos. Potatoes and risottos.

I love it. During that time, so my boyfriend came over for the polar vortex and I said that, I was like, we should watch that show Post Potatoes. And then we laughed and we talked about how Post Potatoes sounds like how Irish people saying died. I'm so sorry to hear that he's Post Potatoes.

How's Carl? He's Post Potatoes.

I hate to be the one to tell you this, but he's post potatoes.

The poor boy went post potatoes in the river.

Which is probably not great to Irish people, but I think about all the time. I hate to be the one to break this to you, Mary, but he's post potatoes.

I know, Erin, you're Irish, right? Yeah, I'm Irish too. So we can all make these jokes. Okay.

By nightfall, he'll be post potatoes. Sorry, I can't stop thinking about it. Alright, I am old man. Old lady potatoes.

How's your new boyfriend?

Potatoes. Potatoes. How's your old boyfriend? Post potatoes.

How are the kids? Oh, they're all potatoes.

And in bed are things like pre-potatoes. Oh, he's pre-potatoes. Oh, he's pre-potatoes. Oh, he's pre-potatoes.

Oh, he's pre-potatoes.

Oh, he's pre-potatoes. Oh, he's pre-potatoes. Oh, he's pre-potatoes.

Oh, he's pre-potatoes. Oh, he's pre-potatoes. Oh, he's pre-potatoes. Oh, he's pre-potatoes. Oh, he's pre-potatoes.

Oh, he's pre-potatoes. Oh, he's pre-potatoes. Oh, he's pre-potatoes. Oh, he's pre-potatoes. Oh, he's pre What can be empty and full at the same time?

Are these warm-up riddies, or are these our main potatoes?

Well, it depends on how good they are. How good you are at them.

Is this our main potato, a baked potato, or side potatoes? Potatoes are rotten.

Is this episode going to be called potatoes?

This episode should just be named potato, and that's it.

Potato, potato.

Did we just invent a restaurant called Bubba Potatoes?

You say potato, I also say potato.

We all eat potatoes, then we go to bed. Potato, potato, potato, potato.

Too many carbs tonight. I must say this at least once in an episode, but I feel truly insane right now.

And we're your puppets. You're potato puppets. I feel like truly... Potatoes and pajamas are coming down the stairs.

Like seven minutes ago, reality broke and split in two, and now I'm on a different path in my life.

You mean reality fights with Ben Potato and Gene Groff off of potato.

I think what our issue is is we frequently forget as we're sitting here that we're on a podcast and we're being recorded.

And there are these men with guns holding their heads saying, make the comedy, make the joke. Real quick, rolling on top of my dining room table.

Right?

Make the comedy, make the joke.

Make the comedy, make the joke.

What menu item does B-A-N-A represent?

Banana. B. Anna. What menu item? B-E-E-A-N-A?

No. B-A-N space A-N-A.

B-A-N. A banana split.

Yeah.

Ooh. Noics. Somebody. Somebody. Shock me. Oh, do you guys think that a banana split would be good if instead of bananas it was long fingerling potatoes? Is everything else savory? So it's ice cream, fudge, what's the other one? Caramel? Cilantro.

Well then you just you would need a savory. Oyster.

Cilantro. Oyster. Oyster crackers. Santana.

You have to do a substitute for each sweet thing.

Substitute. Let's pick on her.

It's fingerling potatoes instead of bananas. Instead of ice cream, it's sherbet.

I want to see real quick where Erin's a substitute teacher. JPC and I are some rowdy rowdy boys. And we're letting her know how things usually happen.

You can do this. You're talking into a megaphone.

What? You're talking to a megaphone?

Oh my god. You're talking into a megaphone. Okay, sorry.

What's your name? Diane.

She yelled at me. But you need to call me Mrs. Anderson. Mrs. Anderson?

I was going to say I don't see a wedding ring. But there's a tan line where there was a ring. Details. Usually our teacher starts off by talking about her divorce.

If you're divorced, you have to say that or else it's entrapment.

Technically not a divorce. I just got one of those rings from a vending machine stuck on my hand for many years. Okay. And now I have a tan line for it for the rest of my life.

Did you used to live somewhere warm with a lot of sun? Because it looks like you maybe haven't seen the sun.

Sex education.

Whoa. This is history class. Hey, shut up. Shut up. Go with it. This is awesome.

Oh, okay.

We're nine.

Who knows what's going on?

What happens in sex is that the ping pong goes in the gooble-a-gop. You put your ping pong in the dime store, you pay the bill, and you pull it out.

Well, he gets it. Do you get it?

No, I was told that it was like a penis in a vagina. All that sounded insane. What? What are the words he said?

Diane, you can do this. You've got this. Don't let them intimidate you.

Can you please tell us what the truth is?

History started in 1840. Win.

Win. I really wanted to know what the end of that would be and I never will.

Nope.

I'd never get to know.

It's pre-Civil War. John Adams was long dead, so I don't know what was going on.

No, I'm sorry, he was what?

Long dead.

He was what?

Long dead.

He was post... He was post potatoes!

I already forgot what we were talking about.

I like your default to be like, he's dead.

Yeah, you want me to say my wife?

If it's Adal and he's like, say it, say it, you can be pretty sure that it's my wife.

At that point in history, children, John Adams was post potatoes. Okay, what can be thrown but never caught?

Good luck. Your voice.

Say that, do it then. No. It's all that. What can be thrown but never caught?

What can be thrown but never caught? Oh, I know what it is.

A football with your dad.

I was just going to say baseball with my dad. Yay! Because he left.

Thrown but never caught.

We're so similar in it. You said football and I said baseball. Go Pats. So close but worlds apart. Do you say Go Pats?

Whatever I do, I do it too. Show me everything and tell me how.

One of the cats in the cradle and the sail by spoon. Post potatoes dead, dead in his room.

But yeah, is the answer a potato? No. Are you sure? What can be thrown but not caught?

Here's a hint, it's something I did at Ellis Island when I was four.

A gun.

No, something I did.

Oh, you can throw a fit. A tantrum. You can throw a freaking tantrum.

You can throw a lot of stuff that you can't catch. Throw a party.

It's a tantrum.

Can't catch a party. It's a tantrum? You can throw shade. Oh yeah.

But you can catch a shade. A window shade.

You can throw one type of shade and catch another type of shade.

Were you bad kids? Did you throw tantrums?

No. I was super, super quiet as a kid because my sister was a wild child. So I made up for her by being very, very quiet.

I want to say that this is something that my mom did for us. And I may be getting this wrong. But I definitely would do this if I had a kid. Which was in a store wanting a toy and not getting it and like laying down on the ground and throwing a tantrum. And then my mom just got down on the ground and also started throwing a tantrum, which embarrassed me, the one throwing a tantrum, to stop throwing a tantrum.

Holy shit, that is brilliant. And you told us just before this episode your mom was in Mensa. She qualified for Mensa. Yeah, we know a lot. And that proves the point.

Mom's a very smart lady. What a, holy shit. That is brilliant. That's good parenting. That's one thing that has stuck with me because I have no shame and I can't get embarrassed by shit. So if someone... Which is why you're currently just wearing a bread bowl. Hey, this is an expensive bread bowl asshole. He told us to call you Panera. This is one of the most expensive bread bowls they make. This is the Gucci of bread bowls. But yeah, I would absolutely do that. If a kid was throwing a tantrum, just sit down and throw a tantrum too. That sounds fun.

I never threw tantrums, but I definitely got everything I wanted. I was definitely spoiled. But in a way that my parents were just very generous. And I think rewarded me for being good.

For bad behavior. What you said?

What I said. I was also spoiled too, but also we didn't have a lot of money, but I was spoiled. And then I ran into kids later in life that were also spoiled, but had money. And I was like, oh, that's like this whole different kind of spoiled. Oh, sure. But I was still very spoiled, for sure. We had everything that we wanted, basically. Do you get a horse for Christmas? Same. I had a horse for Christmas and I had my uncle kill it. With his hands. That's power. That's power. Have your uncle kill your horse. That's power. Don't talk to me about power. Commissioner Gordon.

Now all I have to do is look at people who kill the horse, their nephew, and then I find out who Batman is.

First of all, that horse was pre-potatoes when I met him. Pre-potatoes? You mean post-potatoes? No, no, no, no. When I left that horse he was potatoes. He was coming?

It won't surprise you to know that I threw tantrums quite a lot.

Uh, did it work? Did it work out in your favor?

Uh, no. I was just sort of a nightmare, made my mom tired, hurt her feelings.

Do you remember... Big train on everyone's energy. Do you remember what you threw a tantrum about at Ellis Island? Was it Ellis Island or what did you say?

I said, I think it's Ellis Island. Ellis Island. If I'm remembering correctly.

Did you throw a tantrum because they were trying to change your name? Yeah, they're trying.

They told me I was Irish and I was like, no!

Hi guys, I see a scene. GPC, you're a Ellis Island tour guide in, I don't know, 2008. I don't know when you were four. Wow! Thank you!

Wow, you think of a child!

Thank you, splits. Erin, you are a four-year-old, Erin Keif, and I will play one of your parents, we'll see which one, and you're gonna throw a tantrum at some point.

Ellis Island actually has a very robust history and it goes back... That's one way of putting it. Robust? Yes. Thank you. There's a shit show.

Okay, I'm sorry, there are children here on the tour. Yeah, my kid. Yeah. Erin, speak up. Okay, so the history... She's doing a Marge Simpson. Erin, do your Marge Simpson.

That's a very good Marge Simpson.

Do you have snacks?

No, so there were no snacks at the original Ellis Island. People would wait in long lines.

You got a cute little bow tie though.

Okay, thank you so much. I actually learned how to tie this in the authentic manner. Do you have cheeses? I don't have any cheeses, no.

Do you have fruit by the foot?

Okay, so I don't have any snacks.

What about Dunkaroos?

I don't have snacks. On the way out after the tour.

Can I ask you something? Here's an extra two dollars. I want to know what Keif used to be. What was the full name?

My name is Mama Keif. This is my daughter Erin. So we can go to the big book of names. And so Keif, do you know roughly where your ancestry were from? Erin, tell them.

Ireland.

Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith. Ah! So the original was Thief, which was short for Horse Thief.

That horse was Post Potatoes when we found it.

It looks like the Keifs that came over, the horse thieves that came over for the first time, had their hands cut off for stealing horses, so they couldn't sign their own names, so the Ellis Island people gave them the name Keith.

Grandma and Grandpa said it was bit off by a Dracula.

Same. My name is an accident. My last name. It happened after Ellis Island, but during the census they spelled the name wrong.

What was your, do you know the original name?

K-E-E-F-E. So it's O'Keefe. It's still Keef, but it's a different spelling. And then we were O'Keefe in Ireland.

O'Keefe. O'Keefe.

And that's what is a thing that is real.

Yeah. That's why we did the scene.

Great. What always tastes better than it smells?

Poop.

Potatoes.

Potatoes. What always tastes better than it smells? Your mouth. Erin's mouth.

No, I don't taste good.

Oh, honey. So you taste like Skittles. Yeah, you taste like Skittle sweet candy.

I do now. Hey Riddle Riddle fan brought Skittles to World News last night and I had like a meltdown and was so excited and was like, I'll have a couple.

Let's set right now, because with Hello from the Magic Tavern, my character... Caught the badger. At some point became fascinated with Snickers, so every time I would meet fans, or like we'd have a live show, I would get dozens of Snickers, and I eventually grew to hate them, but I still like them. But let's set for each of us... Put that caveat in there because they could be a sponsor for the show one day. I love Snickers, satisfied hunger. Let's set for each of us. Joe Pesci. If you want to bring us some candy, what do you bring? So Erin, what is your kind of choice that appreciators of the show, I won't illusion myself that we have fans, but appreciators of the show, what should they bring you?

Skittles? They have a choice.

Okay, we'll give choices.

So you're also effectively picking the candy that you want ruined for you forever.

Yeah. Okay. Um, I like peppermint patties. I like orange starbursts.

I've never in my life seen a single person eat a peppermint patty.

They're in my freezer in Massachusetts.

You've only ever seen four people? I've met four people? Go to town on what? My reflection, my shadow, my penis, and me.

That's sort of my mom's thing is cold peppermint patties. Like a treat night at night. Oh, you put them in the freezer? Yeah, treat late at night.

So are the commercials real or like they breathe out mountain breath air?

This is what they do.

Yeah, cold, cold, cold candy is good. Like in the quiet place?

Cold candy is good.

Cold girls got cookies, cold thin mints, I like cold rifs. We used to put Charleston cheese in the freezer. So you said orange starburst? And that's just orange starburst?

Yes, orange.

Okay. So a fan, an appreciator of the show would have to buy multiple packages of starburst.

Or just bring me one single orange starburst and I'll be happy. I don't need a whole, you don't need to bring me a bunch of candy.

So one peppermint patty or one orange starburst? Full Bag of Skittles. Okay, so those are your three?

Wow. JPC, what are yours? You said earlier you said like one of those cans of peanuts when you open it up and it's snakes?

Yes. But I want the can, this is so crazy, I want the can to say snakes. And when you open it up it's not. It's candy. If you give me a can of snakes, it doesn't matter how many snakes are in there as long as there are snakes in there, I'm happy. Favorite candy to receive? If I have my druthers... Is that like Werthers, but Sam's Club? Druthers are original.

Hey Grandpa.

They have no taste, but they make a noise when you open them.

I want to see a quick commercial. JPC, you're an old grandpa. That's redundant. You're a grandpa. The grandpa's going to be young, but this one's old. You're going to be an old man who's doing a commercial for druthers, which is obviously the ripoff brand of Werthers.

Alright kids, you wanna whirthers, go bother your grandma. Well, you can't because she's in Mexico with teeth. If you want to stay here at Grandpa's house, you'll have a druthers and you'll like it. Mmm, druthers. Pop that into your mouth and taste the subtle flavors of goat's milk, hay fever, pine cones, and salt taffy. That's the original druthers flavor. What do you kids think?

I just had a druthers and now my tongue is white.

Is teeth her boyfriend?

You heard it here folks. If these ingrate shitbird kids don't like druthers, then I'll be a motherfucker.

Scene. I can't believe JP Riddles became his daughter for druthers.

Can you guys believe I have two characters? Alan Alda? Alan Alda? Everyone else? Everyone else. There's two characters, Alan Alda and everyone else.

I would like you to bring me a payday, and by that I mean bring me a checkbook written out for $1.25 so I can buy my own candy. What are you going to get, a candy for $1.25?

This can't count because it's so specific, but it's, oh man, now Samosa Girl Scout Cookies? What are those called? Samoas. Samoas. Yeah. Or wait, wait. No, no, not samosas.

Samoas is a Pacific island? No. That's a sumo. That's a Samoan. Samoan. Are they called Samoas?

Oh fuck.

We should maybe cut this part out.

No, no, no. I want this in. This is my part and I want this in. But it's the ones with chocolate and coconut. I think those are Samoas. Samoas, right? Those are great in the freezer. But that's not really a candy. Those are the best cookies. Yeah. The best girl's cookies. The best girl's cookies. So I will say that a KitKat, I think a KitKat is... Really? Good call. I'm a chocolate guy.

And mine is Whatchamacallit. To me, Whatchamacallit is the absolute best candy bar ever made. I used to love paydays and now I'm all about Whatchamacallit. Whatchamacallit is like puffed rice. It's not rice, it's rice. There's caramel, there's chocolate, there's maybe a little bit of nougat. It's just delicious.

So, I also care about koalas. Sorry.

Oh, yeah, cuz Australia like a couple weeks ago on TPK, which is my stream that I do on Thursday nights. It's your fight club. My fight club. It's a total knockout.

Total. Deep as your pants.

Hey, this is talking to you piss your pants. But I was making Eddie and James do this bit where I kept making them eat candy bars to do a challenge. And I was like trying to get specific ones to like fit a theme. But I got watchamacallits and I haven't had a watchamacallit in forever. And Eddie chickened out and he couldn't eat his watchamacallit. So I took a bite of it. And I kid you not, I hated it. Really?

They're so good. Those and a thousand grand, a hundred grand. Those are also delicious.

One of the other ones that we had was a hundred grand. And they're kind of the same thing. They have like nougat and caramel and chocolate. And I had both of them. I had a bite of both of them. I did not like either one of them. So good. Which is crazy that those are your favorite.

I like KitKat, but I like the Japanese kind. So there's like, in Japan they have like red bean flavor, green tea flavor. Like the Japanese, we've had some... You can get them online too, I think, or maybe you can see them from Japan. Absolutely, Amazon, but you can get them, but they're like $36 for $10 or something. But the Japanese flavors are fucking crushing what we have here in the States. Like, we have, like, milk chocolate to me is boring, unless there's like a whatchamacallit going on.

I just don't believe in the year, you know, 2019, the year of our Lord with globalization, we just can't get these Japanese flavors in America.

I don't think we deserve them.

We don't.

We don't deserve them.

Here's what we'll say. Send us as many different KitKat flavors as possible. We will review each one. This has been Candy Corner. I can't eat them. Please do not send me candy. Please send us an email to candycorner at we'resosorry.com.

I would die if I had candy, please no.

Are we ready for another riddle? A man is trapped in a room with only two exits. The first door leads to a tunnel made from magnifying glass. The blazing hot sun instantly fries anyone that enters. Through the second door, there is a fire-breathing dragon. How does the man end?

So one exit has glass made out of magnifying glass that fries anything that... Oh, this is easy. Adal knows it. I think this is easy. Maybe I'm crazy and you're my puppets. You wait till the sun goes down.

Yeah. Wow, but how do you know? Oh shit. Oh, the light goes away.

Oh yeah, you got it right.

Alright. You wait till the sun, hold on, I have the answer. Do let the sun go down on me. You wait till the sun goes down on the dragon. It's not the dragon's sun, it's just someone's sun. He's so distracted his eyes are rolling back into his head. You sneak right out. My little scales.

What a good voice. I think I'm going to puff. I think I'm going to puff. I'm a leaf.

We just ruined somebody's childhood.

Pizza dragon has a whole different plot line we never saw.

Puff the magic dragon.

That's why I said I think I'm going to puff. That's why I said I'm a leaf.

Pre-puff. Any other brain busters? I want to see a scene. Sorry, that's what I was going to say. I want to see a scene. In JPC, you are this like maniacal, Saw-like... Give him a character. Saw-like serial killer who like cooks up all these very expensive, intricate ways to mess with someone. You're sort of the... You're the guy he's kidnapped and you're presenting this behavior. I'm the carry-l-ways. You're poking holes in his place.

Please, please let me go, please. I'll do anything. Of course you're free to go at any time. Why do you talk like that? It's a voice modulator.

No, it's clearly you playing around with accents. Okay, well, the voice modulator is on backorder. You have a way to

Can I just stop here real quick? You said I must enter through the door? That means if I open the door and I go through it, I'd be entering into another room. If that were the actual exit, you'd say I would leave through a door, exit through a door. You said enter. Okay, so there are multiple rooms, but you were supposed to know that.

Hold on now. You have to eat your toe. That's what I'm getting at here. Eat my toe? To get the bone to open the door. Now, there are two different kinds of relish in the fridge. And there's pickle relish?

Hey, earlier you said your name was Reggie. You were real open about that. Did I say that? Yeah, and you never- I said that out loud? Yeah, you never took my cell phone, so the cops are on their way.

They know who you are. Oh, I have a little surprise for the police. Oh? Because I have shotguns positioned at every door.

And when the police come- Who's manning the shotguns? Do you have somebody holding them or are they just propped up against the wall?

So... Damn dude. Well... You fucked yourself. No, no. Yeah, Reggie, you fucked yourself. First of all, I never said my name was Reggie, okay?

Did I? Did I say that?

You did. Okay. You said it multiple times. You said Reggie's plan and Reggie's game. Here's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna come in there and I said Reggie's plan? That's really what... That's what I was gonna call this whole thing.

Reggie's plan. Can I just go? I'm not even tied down or anything. What? Can I just go? Oh my god. Did you have an assistant who like died or something? I was the assistant. You need to outsource something.

No, the whole time at the end you were supposed to trust the assistant and then you were gonna realize that it was me. Did I not come in there and do a whole assistant thing? The door started, the door knob started to turn and then it stopped. Oh, that's right. I got that phone call where I was having to give all of my personal information to renew my cable. I got the mic on.

Honey, how was work today?

I would say that there were good parts and bad parts today.

Yeah, I did kill him.

I went in the room and shot him with one of my door shot guns, but he didn't die the way that I wanted to die and he didn't learn any lessons and he never felt fear, so it kind of wasn't perfect for me. Oh, I'd really love to have sex. I guess that's not in the cards.

No, no, that's not really in Reggie's plan.

Okay!

You said your goddamn name!

Alright, well... Alright, Reggie Miller, you all set? Poop it up baby. Indiana Pacers. I was like, you can either be Reggie Wayne or Reggie Miller. Reggie Watts. Reggie's I know and both of them are from Indiana. Not from Indiana, but from Indiana. Remember Reggie Miller's classic phrase whenever you sink a deep three you just say, hoops up.

No, was that really what he said? I guessed. Oh man.

Here's another Riddle. I am a seed with three letters in my name. Take away the

You got it.

It was pee. One night a king and a queen walked into an empty castle. The next day the king, the queen, and someone else walked out. What happened? She had a baby. It's a boy. She had a baby. It's a king. One night, a king and a queen walked into an empty castle. The next day, the king and the queen and someone else walked out. What happened?

The castle was empty. Was this such a situation where someone was frozen in some sort of carbonite or crystal and the king is a myrtle of sorts and they had to unfree.

Or a job of the hut. Or a job of the hut. Or a salacious crumb. Oh, I was at the Star Wars celebration today. And boy are my arms tired. And boy are my arms tired. And I visited my friend Hilary and Demon worked for Funko, and so they brought me over to the booth to say hi and to grab some stuff. And they said that the guy who played Salacious Crumb was just at the booth, the guy who voices him, and I was so pissed I missed him because that's my favorite character. Plot ploy for the whole convention was to have Salacious Crumb leave my Regis plan was to have him leave a voicemail that was hey this is Adal leave a message after that

Why don't you just do that? You do a pretty good salacious grub.

No, it's bad.

Do you know what this person looks like, though? Yeah. Okay, cool. I was gonna say, because if you just know them by their voice for salacious grub, they probably aren't always doing that voice. And if that is just their laugh... No, he only laughs.

I guess he did it like 20 times at the booth. Here's what he looks like, and JPC, I want you to try and describe him. Okay.

So this looks like an old white man. Here you go.

Sorry, that's a picture of me on my screensaver. A king and a queen enter a castle. They leave, what was it? Yeah, they leave with a third bird.

One night, a king and a queen walked into an empty castle. Got it. The next day, the king, the queen, and someone else walked out. What happened? Wait, before you say, JPC, have you solved it?

I have not solved that. I keep trying to make jokes and I think that something else is a poop. And so there were no toilets in the castle. And so they didn't want to leave just a poop in the castle, so they picked it up, put it in a bag, and carried it out with them. And is that right?

Yeah.

Is that what you do with poop? If I'm in a castle, no toilets. So the answer that I will say, my real final answer, is the next day they left? So they left with the king, the queen, and the sun. The sun rose in the sky and they left with the sun.

That is way, way, way better.

What's the answer, Adal? I believe this could be huge.

We're gonna miss. Just like mine? That's Erin and I's two man, two man, that's Erin and I's two person comedy show, Swing and a Miss. Swing and a Miss.

You're a swing man, I'm a lady.

I say, put your cockies in this bowl. You're so muddy you don't even know it.

Here's Miss Erin!

The beginning of the riddle was one knight, a king and a queen, entered a castle, were to believe that knight is spelled N-I-G-H-T. I believe it's spelled K-N-I-G-H-T. So it's one knight, a king and a queen, enter a castle, and then the three will leave. And then the knight leaves, yeah. Erin's shaking her head no but clapping and I am so confused.

You figured it out.

You're getting the wrong class.

Well done.

Well done son. That was Erin making her ass clap.

I want to be the king and JPC you're the queen and Adal you are a knight and you're like not taking the hint that like we're just like trying to enjoy some like time alone and you're the third wheel and that like we kind of don't really need you right now.

Hail and well met into the castle.

Lord and Lady. Thank you so much, and everything is secured. Yes, Lord and Lady's not right.

You've done an excellent job securing the castle.

What do you prefer to be called? Mrs. King Queen? Let's not worry about it, Mark.

Your Highness?

Mark, you're doing great. Your Highness works. I'll take your grace. That works as well.

Well, we're about all wrapped up here, we're really in it. Get in. Let's all take her down. We're sorry about that.

You must be tired. I'm wanting to see your family, sir.

Yes, I want to see my family, but of course they understand that I'm here to impress you with my demo tape. So let me just put this in. Do you have a cassette, Clears?

Oh, I think it's broken.

Yes, it is. And if it's not, it will be soon. So it goes. Can I show you some sword stuff? Yeah! Okay. Very cool. Hey, Mark. You know what? Hey, Mark. Hey, Mark. Go ahead and put that away. Hey, Mark. We're all very hungry.

And you just tore up our... drapes?

They're all cut to ribbons. Oh, sorry. No worries. Put the sword away. We're all hungry. How about you go take that sword over to the kitchen and whip us up something to eat, huh?

And then you know what? Grab something for yourself. We'll go down to the kitchen and pick up whatever you may and then you can make your way home before it gets too dark.

And it's getting darker now. That sounds wonderful. That's delightful. Thank you so much. Very good. What gracious host you are. I'm sorry. I'm a little upset. My child is post potatoes.

Oh, and so it goes. That's what they say. Post Potatoes is... Sing me a song.

Wait, what?

Sing me a song, Queen. Call it Post Potatoes.

You're the Queen, I said at the beginning. Yes, that's right. I'll sing you a song. Marcus, what was your boy's name? It was my daughter. I'm sorry? What was your daughter's name?

Penelope.

Penelope. That's not going to work with a song. Penny? What about Penny? Okay, whatever you want, your grace. Penny Lane is very dead. She's post-potate.

Can you actually play a horn, King? Can you just play a horn?

Wish I could get him to play my horn.

What?

Uncles go down on your wives!

I have a horned dragon, can you blow me?

That was a fun scene. Yes. What's your favorite scene we've ever done on the show?

That one. That one. That one's my favorite as well. Speaking of favorite scenes, my favorite scene is when we take a quick break to hear from our advertiser for this show.

And today's advertiser is Quick Break, the new cereal candy. Oh boy, I fucked that up.

Give me a quick break. It's like a Kit Kat, but it crumbles real fast. We'll be right back.

Yoo-hoo! Oh, I love yoo-hoo. Chocolate milk.

It's the potato crew back together again.

Technically, you can't call it milk. It's a chocolate drink.

We'd love to call it milk, but we can't get sued. Also, we looked it up over the break, and a quick break is not a candy bar.

That is now.

We were duped. Somebody paid us five dollars, told us to advertise a candy bar, and we have been doxxed.

Yeah. If ducks, we got ducks. Somehow we got paid five dollars, all we had to give them was our address. So we got ducks pretty hard. I have info Fokker, can you dock me?

I've never had YooHoo.

It's not great.

You've never had YooHoo?

When my grandma used to pick us up from school, she would bring a YooHoo and cookies in a cooler.

Really? That's a fun grandma.

Yeah, it was great. That's a fun-ass grandma.

All I got to eat was Cape Cod potato chips for 18 years.

All I got to eat was salted cod. Erin, drink your Old Bay. I used to like Nesquik. We used to have Nesquik in my household.

Oh, I don't think we had. We had Horned Stratharms chocolate milk for a couple years.

Horned Stratharms! I heard as a child, I don't know if this is true, I heard that chocolate milk is made from the milk that has blood in it

So like sometimes when they milk cows they'll be like blood swirled into it from whatever for whatever reason and so they just add chocolate to it and then they're like still good.

Think about what you are doing and what you're saying. Kids, remember, only drink chocolate drink.

You have an audience, Adal, and you have an obligation to that audience.

And you've ruined chocolate milk for thousands of people in one swoop.

Here's where I'll do my part. Remember those ads that were like somebody looking in the mirror and there was like a buff big version of themselves and they had like a milk mustache? Like I want to be you when I grow up? I'll do the same thing but I'll just have, it's gonna be me shirtless with a real bad body and like a smear of blood above my lip.

We have an obligation to our listeners, we have an obligation to inform them that if you get into your car late at night there is a killer in your car. Most of the time, most of the time.

We're not trying to scare you, we're just playing the percentages. 85% if you're driving in a car there's somebody in the back seat who's going to... This is money ball. This is classic money ball from what I understand from that movie.

Don't shoot the messenger but something bad is going to happen to you today.

I love scaring people. In my childhood home we also had almonds syrup because my dad is Palestinian so we also had like alongside like we'd have typical like a bundt cake and then there'd be like baklava and all these like weird lady fingers and stuff so I had a real weird I walked the line of like normal crap and then like super weird like magluba and all this other stuff. I do love baklava. Mmm, dark love us. Very good. That was the cousin on Perfect Strangers.

Yeah. Name an age-letter word that has K-S-T in the middle, in the beginning, and at the end.

Sun-kissed. K-S-T in the middle, at the beginning, and in the end. Kiss, kiss, kiss.

That's what I say to my boyfriend before he falls asleep. Kiss, kiss, kiss.

Kiss, kiss, kiss. So it's got K-S-T. It's eight letters. It's got K-S-T at the what? Hey Riddle.

That just reminded me. Was it yesterday that I was doing a bit where I was drinking a water bottle like a hamster? And I said, JVC, do I look like a hamster without looking up from what he was doing? He said, yes.

So KST was the letters? KST. Okay. Read that one more time.

I think I solved it. Name an eight letter word that has KST in the middle, in the beginning, and at the end.

And you think you've solved this? So the letters K-S-T are in the middle, in the beginning, I-N, and at the end, so it's A-N-D. That's pretty good, right? It's asking us to be literal. Ink stand. And that's one word, ink stand? You know, ink stand is when you can't afford a kickstand, so you put a pin to hold up your bike. All the kids call you porky. I understand.

That one's fun, right?

Yeah, I like that one. It's very fun. That's a good riddle. Here's what I'll say.

I said it before, I'll say it again. I'll say it a million times. I love riddles that I solve.

Honestly, I love the ones that you get right more than the ones that I get right because I love seeing you happy. And I wish you could see it a little more often, huh? How about a smile? How about a smile for my guy? I got a lot going on.

Don't give up.

I got a lot going on. A lot of sad stuff. We got a lot of sad irons in the fire. We got a lot of sad deals.

I got a lot of sad irons in the fire. Sorry pal, I can't make golf. I got a lot of sad irons in the fire.

I'm talking to a guy who's got my kid. I gotta get my kid back. I'm losing money on a boat.

Hey, can I ask you, you work at this dick sporting good? I bought a golf club from you and it's a sat-on.

I also lost my kid on that boat.

Talking to a boat about getting my kid back? I got a lot of sad shit going on.

What do you got for me?

What do you got for me?

Make me cry. Okay, I was going to read one that is so easy, but I thought that maybe it would be fun to see.

Give us a wind saw.

In 2000, a 40-year-old doctor told his son that when he was a little boy, he decided to be a doctor by seeing a website about performing a heart transplant on a puppy with a defective heart so that the puppy would live a normal life. I then thought that I would be a doctor so I could help people in a similar way. What is the defect in that story?

The defect is a 40-year-old man in 2000 said he was on the internet as a little boy. Fuck that shit, unless he's Al Gore. No, it's the puppy's heart that was the problem.

Yeah, that's the defect. Is the puppy's heart?

The puppy's heart was three sizes that day.

No, you were right, but I'm so tired of you getting things right.

I need these.

Oh, Erin, I need these. Oh, my eyes and the fire are sad.

Speaking of iron, Stugger Woods, huh? One of the masters.

First diamond.

I was recording that to delete.

So I want to focus on one listener and the email that she has sent us.

Let's really drill down to this listener. Where is she from? Let's dox her.

I'm going to share her first name because I don't know.

Well guess her last name. If we get it right, we say it.

Excellent. Her name is Liz, and she listened to a few riddles I originally heard while trapped in a 13-hour car trip.

If you're in a car, there's an 85% chance you're being kidnapped.

Sorry, Liz, but I need to see a scene. Adal, we are going to see a scene where you and Erin are driving down the road. She has trapped you into a 13-hour car trip. You are hour one of this 13-hour car trip.

You've been trapped.

I've been trapped? Yes, Adal's been trapped. I don't know what this is, but we're going with it.

All I'm saying is what if the song, Oh What a Night, was about a K-N-I-G-H-T and it's like touting the escapades and victories of a specific night. Oh what a night.

How hard do you think I would get if I rolled out of the car?

How hard would you get? I don't know. How hard do you think I'd get? I don't know.

I don't know. I was asking how turned on I would get if I rolled out of the car.

How hard would you get if you jumped out this door? I can't tell you.

Okay, Adal, just new rules for the rest of the trip. No, nothing that has to do with the musical Jersey Boys.

Awwww. But I love them. I love Frankie Valli.

I know we're going for New Jersey right now. That's them, right?

What if there was a thing that was called Frankie Valley, Frankie Hidden Valley, Sweet Valley, Sweet Valley, Erin, Adal! Is he doing his puppet voices?

Eh, I don't. I'm just about to-

You've got to go back!

I love it, buddy. I'm just about to give them my sub sandwich. Just about to take a big bite.

That seems like a perfect... Just like JP Riddle says?

Yeah, I'm working my way across the country. You're gonna get every Jimmy God's.

It feels like you can probably eat and listen at the same time.

Oh, you know what? Erin, look how I'm driving. Look how I'm driving, Erin. How's your driving? Can you describe it?

Yeah, like this.

I can't see it. You called me.

Like this, I'm showing you.

You called me. Oh. You called me.

Alright, well here's the phone.

My name is Erin and I'm here to say I'm having a great time on this road trip.

Turkey Tom. Uh, nope. Oh shit, she jumped out.

Jesus!

Oh, she is rock hard.

All right, Liz, back to your email. We're really sorry. At the end of the email, she does say, that's all I've got for now. Love the show so much. Shout out to my own resident Old Man Puzzies and fellow listener, Carrie, for being the source of most of these. Keep it. No shit. All Sherlock. P.S. Erin's laugh is the best, most joyful thing I've ever heard.

Wow. Let's all laugh and let's have a laugh off.

Here's the first riddle.

You draw a line on a piece of paper.

Now, without altering that line, you draw a line on a piece of paper.

Now, without altering that line in any way, either with your writing implement or manipulating the paper, how do you make it shorter?

You're cute, but like not super cute. Things are shorter. What? Hold on, I'm manipulating the paper. You're making the paper? Hey, can you grab lunch? I forgot my wallet.

Hey, that thing you thought I said I didn't say it. Gaslighting you.

Gaslights. So with my writing utensil or manipulating the paper, what do we do?

You draw a line on a piece of paper. Now, without altering that line in any way, either with your writing implement or manipulating the paper, how do you make it shorter?

You draw a second line that is longer than that line, thereby making that line shorter. And the genius is Adal.

Congratulations, Adal. Thank you so much.

What I did is I put my penis next to it, therefore making my penis look very small. Wait, shit. No. Was I right there?

Yeah, you got it right.

Wow! Really? I was, wait, could you manipulate the paper? No, you can't. Oh, you can't.

But you can draw? You just can't manipulate the line. You can't manipulate the line or the paper. I was going to say fold the paper. Can I still have the win? I could have gotten that riddle right if I could break one of the central tenets of the riddle.

Oh God, that's the theme of this show. In the middle of the woods there are two men. In the middle of the woods there are two men. One is alive and one is dead. Post potatoes. One is alive and one is post potatoes. They carry identical backpacks. The backpack of the living man is empty. The backpack of the dead man is full. The backpack carried identical contents. What is in each backpack?

They were transports full of pencils. Fuck. I mean parachutes. Parachutes. Parachutes. Parachutes. Parachutes.

Oh, I'm sorry. I have a bit of an accent. A pair of shoes. They both had a pair of shoes. They went to Payless. One of them was real depressed about it. And wasn't paying attention, walked into a bear.

I'm mad at you for getting that so fast. Remember when we were bad at these? Those were the days.

Those were the days when the riddles go sailing.

This is their Vegas act that they're going to be doing in 2050.

Swing and a miss. And I'm the Miss!

I would love if Artie Pare is your piano player and it's you two in like pretty cheap taxes in Vegas in 2050.

I've got a question for you. Ring a ding ding and a pause a pause pause.

I've got an answer for you. A leg a ding ding and a rizzy rizz rizz.

Excuse me while I pour four fingers of Scotch and bourbon in vodka right now.

Hey fellas, you can't have live alligators in here.

Excuse me, that's part of the show. Let's get these alligators drunk now. Let's get these alligators drunk.

And they won't be live by the end of the show. We're gonna feed these alligators chocolate.

Chocolate and feed those alligators to some crocodiles.

Yeah, there hasn't been an audience in the show since the beginning.

I'm insane and these are my puppets!

Fly me to the moon, literally.

This guy's gotta be scared to death! I can see me and Adal doing that. We're both like boozed out of our minds. 23 hours a day. Here's what we need to do.

I'm there.

I look great. You're just presenting us the whole time?

Erin looks like she's 22.

We look like a magician's assistant. But secretly just drinking the whole time. Here's what we should do. We should do a live show that's like a Vegas old-timey Rat Pack show. And then also I had an idea, JPC I don't know if you remember this, a year or two ago I had an idea to produce a show that was JPC as a haunted tour guide and it would leave from I.O. for only the month of October, it'd be once a week, we leave from I.O. and he has a group of people that he takes around like a 10 block radius and he tells an improvised haunted history of Chicago

I would love to do that just to take people to whole foods across the street and do an improvised ghost tour of whole foods. We're buying stuff.

You can't tell us to leave.

Somebody died in that salad bar. That's about as good of an improviser as I am. Somebody died in the salad bar. Somebody died by those breakfast cereals. What else? What else?

What else? I think the best thing to do is be like, does anybody know? Because this is what real Hana Tour guides do, which is like, you see that building there? Does anybody know what happened there? And somebody would be like, a nurse died? That's right, a nurse died.

And do you know her name?

Monica?

That's right, Monica. When we do our Vega show, I want to have a straw connected to my bra that has tequila.

The straw is connected to bra. The bra is connected to tequila. Tequila is connected to...

Sadness!

Let's call the whole thing sad. I did an improv rehearsal once at the Whole Foods. The Whole Foods are across the street from I.O. where we all do comedy shows and our coach gave us partners and scene prompts and then we were supposed to go into that Whole Foods and like live scenes as people.

Immersive theater.

Immersive theater, yeah. And two people had a their thing was that they had just broken up and they were like walking through Whole Foods like crying and holding hands and it was like people were like turning around and being like what?

What happened there?

Wait, how do most people break up? They're crying and holding hands? I think the scene prompt was that it was the end of a long relationship. Wait, I'm just bailing out of a moving car. I just tuck my nuts and roll. Kids, toss your nuts and roll.

That's so funny. Wetbust did that once.

It's a fun thing to do.

I remember walking by the table that Sean Coyle and Willy Mansour were doing their thing and they were like two 50-year-old cops. They were like, yeah, we've been doing this a lot. I was like, this is a stretch, boy.

There's nothing funny than watching two 22-year-olds play 50-year-old cops.

And they were just like drinking beers and hop leafs and pretending to be cops.

I remember like my level one IO class it'd be like somebody the teacher would be like now let's uh pretend you're like uh 50 years old and then somebody would enter the scene as a 50 year old and be like who's there is someone in the basement and he's like nailed it and then and then everyone else is like have you ever your parents are 50 like what are you doing and now that you're 36 you're like they were fucking right they were i'm so close to that dad wasn't even close

I would love to do one more. I'm really laughing now. I wish I had done this warmed up at the beginning.

I'm having a lot of fun.

Me too. This is Liz's?

Is this still Liz's riddle?

Yeah.

Honestly, Liz brought us so much joy. I don't know if you're still listening. You might have checked out. Checked out? You mean post potatoes?

Kevin enters a room. In the room there are several masked people covered in blood.

Sleep no more.

They surround a dead body in the center of the room. Kevin does not call the police. Who are you?

Um, cause he's at a initiation, this is the movie Skull and Bones. Oh, starring Paul Walker.

This is the movie The Strangers, and they only kill them cause they're fine.

You know that Yale secret society?

Oh yeah, the one that was, yeah.

Um, my uncle, Judge Smoot, I know Judge Smoot got asked to be in it and then said no, and then they messed with him.

How do they mess with him?

In a number of different ways. You have to do weird stuff. You have to piss on a sitting president or something like that.

And I think one guy, because to become a judge you have to get the approval of all these people and a person that wouldn't give him approval was in that group and was like, shouldn't have said no.

That's crazy. Also that's my favorite Pavement song is piss on a sitting president. I could piss on... spit on a stranger as well.

The answer to this riddle is I think it's a hospital room and I think that the people with the masks uncovered in blood are surgeons and nursing staff.

He got it.

Yes, thank you ma'am.

Thank you. I definitely want to see a scene. So you two are surgeons and you are in the OR and it's clearly this person who's post potatoes and JPC you're just going to be relentlessly positive. You're just trying to keep the mood in the room up.

Okay Erin, and I was only half listening, but you said that we are sturgeons who live in Oregon? Gulp, gulp, gulp. And got it. I'm going to eat this.

I'm going to drink this.

How dare you? Erin, I would like to ask you to also be a surgeon in the room. Okay. A woman surgeon? Are you out of your mind? The doctor was the mother. That's true. Is that your way of saying you're pregnant? Oh my god.

What an episode. We've got to go to the same. Well, okay, 10.26, official time of death. Did you say 10.26? Is that a Freudian slip? Sorry, but it's my anniversary and I'm horny. 10.26, official time of death. I did say 10.26. I am thinking about going home.

I don't really have a good bedside manor. I get farty when I start to tell people bed news.

You know what a good bedside manor would be, right? Seaside Cottage. Bedside. M-A-N-O-R.

This person had kids.

Oh, yes. Okay, so... Hat kids, they all died.

You mean Post Potatoes? They're all Post Potatoes. Is that the medical term we use now?

Yes, absolutely.

All the textbooks say Post Potatoes. That's what we use. We have to go out and we have to inform... The new medical book is written by Nathan Lee.

We have to go out there and we have to inform the family. Does anyone... we do want to draw straws to do it?

Not it. Nose goes.

I guess we can't draw straws anymore because the straw embargo. I guess they're really saving the planet on that one.

This is a really easy surgery and we really blew it.

Yeah, this is a routine surgery. We're 18 hours, that's way too long for an appendectomy. Okay, okay. You know what? I will go out and I will inform the family.

Oh, thank you so much. Great.

Thank you so much.

But Greg, maybe like take it down a notch with the whole like smiling and bouncing about and being horny.

Okay. Also when you drink- I guess I'll just undo this cocaine. Just kidding. Doctors can't do drugs because we have to be doctors.

When you drink Sprite, you always hold the can so that the label's facing outward like you're in a commercial. Can you, I feel like it's really disarm- Can you not do that?

I also like to hold my fingers so that I make the can spell spit, and so people are like, oh, are you drinking spit? And be like, no, I'm drinking Sprite. Spit would be gross.

Okay. This person donated a lot of money to a lot of beautiful and really important charities.

Okay, I'll go out there now. Oh, there he is.

Okay, it was nothing but good news.

Are you the Smoot family?

Yes, we're the niece and nephew of Smoot.

Okay, I have to tell you that the surgery was successful. Oh, what a relief. Doctor, please come here. Let me give you a hug. Bringing three doctors closer together. I see.

Is that it?

Have we done it? That's all the scenes that we have.

If you want to be just like Liz and give and submit riddles that aren't your own but are your friend Carrie's, please email us at hrrpodcast at gmail.com. Also follow us on Instagram and Twitter at HeyRiddleRiddle to chit chat with us and talk to us.

You're also going to want to pick up that phone or laptop. You're going to want to throw out the window. You're going to borrow your roommate or neighbor's phone or laptop. You're going to subscribe to our Patreon. $5 gets you a bonus episode every single week. Every Friday we drop a new Patreon episode. That's four or five a month. And I got to be honest, I am self-loathing. They're a great episode.

If you're listening to the main episodes and you're thinking, oh wow, these have really taken a dip in quality, all that quality is going over to the Patreon. We shifted it over like a dam in a lot.

This sounds like a bit, but it's the only thing that we accidentally do. It's probably a problem that we need to examine.

You can follow me at jpsofly on Twitter, you can follow me on Instagram, at sharkbarkman. You can listen to the campaign podcast. You can also watch my Twitch stream that I mentioned earlier in the show. It's called TPK. We play the board game Gloomhaven. We just celebrated our one-year anniversary, which is huge for us. And you can follow us. It's Thursday nights, seven p.m. central twitch.tv slash one shot RPG.

You can follow me on Twitter and Instagram at Adalrifai. It follows on Netflix and Hulu. It's a wonderful horror movie. You can come see us at World News Tonight every Saturday at 8 p.m. and 10 p.m. All three of us are there. Please say hi afterwards. We've had a wonderful run of people saying hi. Please give us a shout and we'll come talk to you. Also, hello from the Magic Tavern. Check out Siblings Specular, my other podcast. Erin, what do you have to book?

Come see Wet Bus every Thursday at 10 p.m. at the I.O. theater. It's me and my best friend. It's really, really fun. I'm really, really proud of that show. So come see that. And then follow me at Erin Keif 10 on Instagram. I'm private to keep all of the mold away from my Instagram.

You can also, I would say, go visit our tea public store and buy some of our merch. We have a really cool shirt. Erin happens to be wearing it right now. It says, Keifing It Real. And Erin, what's that little guy living on that shirt?

Jupiter! Bye forever.

created by Adal Rifai, Starring Erin Keif, and John Patrick Coan, H.C.

Snyder did the editing, M.R.E. Parrot did the music, Loco created by Emily Cardamus and M.O.E. DeMorris, That was a head gum podcast.