Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Hey, before we get into the episode, a quick announcement. We have a show coming up in La La Land.

Hold on, let the listener catch their breath. They were expecting the theme and now they're scared.

I'm so sorry, we have a show in moonlight. Yes. Ooh. This is embarrassing. This is embarrassing. So we're going to be in moonlight. What a fun joke from two years ago.

We're going to be in LA. What's the day?

Mother's Day. Sunday, May 12th. And what's the time? 7.30 p.m.

And what's the place?

It's the LA Improv, don't you know? And who will be there? What's the Hollywood Improv, don't you know?

I don't perform in LA, I perform in Hollywood.

And who will be there?

JBC's mom? Yeah, my mom will be there. Oh, that's true.

It is on Mother's Day and my mom will be there. Oh, my mom got jealous of that, by the way. She was like, I heard on the podcast that JBC's on the theater. Your mom got jail time? Jail time, yeah, because then she killed JBC's mom. She's so jealous.

So if you want to see one of our moms and one of our dead moms, then come to Hey Riddle Riddle Live. It's 7.30 p.m., Sunday, May 12th at the Hollywood Improv. And if you want tickets, just go to headgum.com slash live.

I'll be there. I'll have a cute outfit on. I'll have a great attitude. Adal will also be there.

Adal, can you comment on your outfit and attitude? Both are going to be pretty sad.

Uh oh, it's that time of year again to get your check up by Dr. Funny Comedy. It's Hey Riddle Riddle. I'm Adal Rifai. I'm Dr. Funny Comedy himself, JPC.

And I'm Nurse Funny Comedy, Erin Keif.

Wait, what's like above a doctor? God. Ceiling. I'm ceiling funny comedy. Dr. Funny Comedy and there's funny comedy. Nothing's above a doctor. Maybe the law. No doctors are above the law. They kill. Yeah, doctors kill. The answer to most riddles should be the doctor. The doctor killed the mother. The doctor killed the mother. And suffered no consequences.

Hello, everybody.

Hello, everybody. Hi, everybody.

How are you two?

Are you OK? I'm good. I'm great. Yeah, I'm OK now. They caught the guy, so. OK.

Yeah. Erin, how are you doing?

I'm good. I'm OK, I think.

Yeah. What were you in the hospital last for?

Oh, that's a fun game.

What was everyone in the hospital last for?

I was in the hospital a couple times this fall. For fun stuff? Yeah, for really fun stuff. I had some uterus problems, but now I'm in a ton of debt because of my business to the hospital. It's fun.

So it's patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle.

We're trying to get Erin a new comedy show. Trust me, we are a comedy show.

So that's the last time I was in the hospital, Adal.

If we get 3,000 patrons we will get Erin a new uterus.

Please, it's scary.

Last time I was in the hospital was to watch them pull my friend off life support.

Oh, interesting. I've got a fun one. The last time I was in the hospital was visiting a very sick friend.

So I think all three of us have a pretty special relationship with the hospital.

What a dark fun way to start the episode.

Dr. Funny Comedy.

Paging Dr. Funny Comedy.

Can we get this road on the show?

Thank you, Erin, for that 100% great joke that really brought us back in our full-in swing.

10cc's of comedy.

Yeah, so if we're looking for comedy, don't worry about it. That's what we do here on Hey Riddle Riddle. We also answer riddles and puzzles, which people hate. I'm gonna be playing Old Man Puzzles on the show today, so I will be kind of walking you through some of my little nightmare scenarios. And we got a fun one cooked up.

Your nightmares? Specifically your nightmares?

Yeah, these are specifically mine.

Because a lot of your nightmares are set in the clown realm, right? It's a lot of like your penis going into the clown realm.

What do you think a cloud realm is that only a penis can enter?

I don't like this.

I don't either. I just see like a gas station bathroom with a hole that's marked cloud realm. Adal's like, ah!

No!

I'm just like a glory old man, it's fun. Oh, I want to die. You pull it out, it just has red nose on it.

Oh, bam, bam, bam.

Oh, no. I drag, I drag, baby, we're comedy. What a bad show, what a bad show. OK, so today's kind of warm up Riddy and Puzzy is going to be from a listener. A listener has submitted some warm up Riddies. So I am going to, I'm going to read a little bit of a note that they wrote and then we're going to head into their warm-up pretties. Can't wait. So this is from Daniel Rohrbach. Can we call it the Riddle Realm? Yes, you're entering Daniel's Riddle Realm. All of us are just... Just your penises. Daniel does not specify so I'm gonna say everybody comes in. I wish I would have used different words there. Nope too late. I've listened to this show since week one and Hello from the Magic Tavern since about mid 2016. I wanted to say how much I love both podcasts and how I'm consistently gets how I am constantly get stared at because I abruptly start laughing out of the blue while walking around town or in the gym brag. Also you should come to the West Coast to do a live show.

We are stupid. We're doing a show at the Hollywood Improv on Mother's Day.

Yeah, so take that roll back. Anyway, here's some riddles inspired from a video game that I used to play when I was younger called RuneScape. Any of you ever played RuneScape? I've heard of it. Okay. You don't have to have played or heard the game to get these riddles. Each riddle has five lines that all pertain to one object or thing. There are some hints that I can give you and there's an answer. There's five hurdles and there's the three.

There is an answer? Yeah.

Oh, thank God. Daniel included the answer. Let's Daniel Day do this. Okay, cool. I don't know if you need to write some of this down, but let's just imagine that you don't.

Okay.

My first is in the well, but not at C. W. My second in I, but not in me. Why? My third in flies, but insects not found. My last is in earth, but not in the ground. My whole, when stolen, causes death to thee.

Is this a letter thing?

Is it a letter thing?

My third is in flies, but no insects abound or something, which means it's spelled F, right? But I guess both ways it's spelled.

I think you're getting hints to the first, second, third, and fourth letter here. So my first is in the well, but not at C, hint. My second in I, but not in me.

Okay. All right. Start over then. I got to write this down. We were wrong.

Well, no, you don't have to write, yeah, you just have to write down a letter for each one.

Gotcha.

My first is in the well, but not at sea. My second in I, but not in me. I feel like that's the easy one. My third in flies, but insects not found. My last is in the earth, but not in the ground.

Wind. Probably wind.

Flies. My third in flies.

My third isn't five.

There's no N. W-I-N flies.

The way I spell flies.

Great.

Is it F-L-I-E-S or F-L-Y?

F-L-I-E-S. Great question. So my first isn't well, but not at C. My whole when stolen. So it's not the letter S, E, or A? Yeah. But the first is, okay, so it's either L or W. Yeah. I see.

Okay. And then the second word is?

My second word, my second in I but not in me.

So why?

I, just the letter I. So it's L-E maybe or W-E? No, my second in the letter I. Oh, it's the letter I. Oh, it's the letter I, I didn't know that. My bad, my bad, yes, the letter I but not in me. My third in flies but insects not found. F. Life.

Life.

It's fucking life. My hole when stolen causes death to thee.

My favorite serial slash board game. No one's favorite board game. Slash Eddie Murphy movie.

The Golden Child? Okay. I own that on DVD. Now that you get how to play these, I think that they'll go a little easier.

Erin, now that you get how to play these, you'll realize they're not going to be fun.

Thank you for the napkin with the pen.

Thank you for the napkin with the pen, big daddy.

You're asking a waitress for her phone number?

What the fuck is this? Okay, is everybody ready? Yep. Yarp. My first is in wizard, but not in mage. Z. My second in jail, but not in a cage. My dad. Your dad's in a cage. My third is in plant, but not in a sage. My last is in drawing, but not on a page. My hole comes swift. My hole comes in swiftly when the soaring seas rage. I dropped out of this one.

Say that again.

My hole comes in swiftly when the soaring seas rage.

Is that the last letter or is that a hint?

That's the hint to the insert of the puzzle. So hole W-H-O-L-E. Is it wave? It is not wave.

Wait, so wizard?

Wizard, but not mage.

M-A-G-E.

M-A-G-E. Jail, but not cage. Plant, but not sage. Drawing, but not page.

Alright, this might take me a second. I'm sorry.

Okay, don't apologize to me.

It is wind.

It is wind. Yeah baby.

Forget it. I'll never forget it out.

I got an answer and all I did was just think of what I said for the last one. Let's call it a whole dang off. So these are all four letter words that should help you a little bit too. Love it. Okay, ready? My first is in fish, but not in the sea. My second in birds, but not in a tree. My third is in doors, but not in a hall. My last is everything, but nothing at all.

Wait, so fish, birds, doors. But not in a hall.

Everything, but not at all. But nothing at all.

It's in fish, but not... So is this a three letter word?

It's four. Fish, but not sea. Birds, but not tree. Doors, but not hall. Everything, but nothing at all. The middle one is not B. It's not FB. That's no word. You ready for the last one? Maybe you've never heard of fucking Facebook? I cannot. Zuck. You got zucked. I cannot die as long as I have food. Anything. Everything. Yes. Nothing can die as long as food.

Is it fire?

It is fire!

Damn, girl. Damn, Erin. You're on a roll.

Is he in jocktails?

For the longest fire. Ooh, okay. Now we got a little return to this. This is Riddle number four. My first is in mage, but not in wizard. My second. Okay. Did they, could they, did they run out of words or what's going on? Here's some, got some rhymes. My second in goblin and also in lizard. L. Uh, my third in night, but not in day. How's the night spelled? N I G H D. My last is in the fields, but not in the hay. My hole is the most powerful tool you will possess.

In the fields but not in the hay, I don't think there's any crossover letters. So why the fuck would they do fields and hay when there's no redundancies?

It's a rhyme.

Night and day fields and hay.

Is it M? Mm-hmm. I?

Mm-hmm.

Nice.

Yes, my hole is the most powerful tool you'll possess. Come to me, my mice.

If you can get mice, remember, uh, what is it?

Mice, five letters.

Yeah, pickle, pepper. The guy who, uh, the pied piper?

Mine.

Uh, you're so close.

Mine. Mine.

Mine, am I in? E? No.

Am I?

In? Mind. Mind! A mime.

I'm gonna throw something at you in three, two, one.

She just threw up on you. Wow.

Clean it up.

I love Erin's catchphrase when she throws up on you. Clean it up. Okay, this is the last one.

That's also what Erin says whenever she makes out with someone.

Hey Riddle Riddle.

Have you ever tried to kiss someone in total silence? We make those sounds, but we don't need to. That's true.

It's the idea to make others notice us or to be like, look what I'm doing. I'm a man. Kissing is one of the horniest things. I think I think Erin's new catchphrase should be clean it up asshole. I think anytime anytime something good happens I think we're gonna replace bingo bango hot ta ta with clean it up asshole.

Like someone scores a point. Y'all clean it up asshole.

Clean it up asshole! Daniel, Daniel paid his money. He wants to get this thing read. I mean we don't sell this air time to people. So let's be respectful and let's finish his riddles.

Oh, because we haven't given him enough with his 18 fucking riddles?

It says right here he has not had enough yet.

He goes to the gym, so he deserves less.

My first is in tar, but not in a swamp. My second in fire, but not in a comp. Woof.

Careful.

C-A-N-P. Oh, okay. He just didn't... I think Daniel thinks swamp and camp rhyme. Let's move right along. My third is in eagle, but never in air. My last is in hate, but also in care. My hole wears more rings the older I get. My first is in water, but also in tea. My second in fish, but not in the sea. My third is in mountains, but not underground. My last is in strike, but not like in pound. Time. My home may fleet as fun goes around. Probably time.

I didn't even have a chance to get it.

I even try it most of these times.

You guessed that one before the hits to the ward. Thank you, Daniel. I know that it may seem like what we've done here is just criticize you and call you an asshole, but we actually like you and we like the Riddle that you submitted.

And then Daniel and I would be close. Yeah, clean it up asshole.

And we, and you know what? It sounds like you had a fun childhood of playing that game. So here's to you, Daniel, a true person that got their riddle read on the show.

Clean it up, asshole. I will say we are very much running out of riddles. So if you can write your own or send us some that we may not have access to, please email those to us and we will definitely get them on the show if we haven't read them before.

What I like about people who make up their own riddles is there's no chance that they've appeared on the show before. A lot of people send us the same riddle over and over again. Because they're locked in their parents' attic and they get a chain tool. Some people also are like, hey I'm listening. I made it to episode eight and I wanted to send you guys a riddle. And I'm like, oh god, keep listening. We've probably already done that one. Okay, I know that you guys are going to be excited about this. As Old Man Puzzies today, I have brought back one of our favorite guests on the show. Nope. Please welcome... Mother fuck. Nathan Levins.

He's got the help! He's got the help! He's got the help!

So many people have found this guy online, found his whole catalog of riddle books online, and have offered to send us all of his riddle books. But we are still on volume 2. I think they go up to 20.

Yeah, I searched for this fucking guy and you know what I found? The fucking Momo Challenge. That's who this guy is.

My life is hell. My life is hell.

Okay, let's start off with one of, I mean, we're on, like I said, this is Nathan Levi's Stories with Holes, volume two. Also, Adal, someone, a fan gave you these books, right? And we've shouted them out before.

I don't think they're a fan. Now that I've heard the riddles, I don't think they're a fan.

But something written in pain at the top of this book that I just noticed today is it just says Rosebud. It's Alice Lane. Okay, this one is... A little girl who threw that poop in the trash. It's a perfect anagram for Lord Voldemort. Okay, this one's called Cheryl's Piece of Cardboard. Oh, even the titles are boring.

Got it.

Cheryl used the piece of cardboard to get into a large rectangular box. Now in the box, Susie observes the results of an activated machine, which gives her great pleasure. When the machine is no longer operating, Susie throws her remaining cardboard away and leaves the box. Now, if you remember the way that these are played, is you can ask me yes or no questions to help you land on the truth. These are stories. Susie insane. Can I read it again? Yes. Is Susie insane? No. Oh, you do want me to read it again? Yeah, I do. Susie used the piece of cardboard to get into a large rectangular box. Now in the box, Susie observes the results of an activated machine, which gives her great pleasure. When the machine is no longer operating, Susie throws her remaining cardboard away and leaves the box. Again, I will tell you... Is it a photo booth? It is not a photo booth. This book was published in the year 1990. Oh, time machine.

Yes, it's a time machine.

A shitty time machine. No, it's not a time machine.

And again... Is it a phone booth?

No, it's not a phone booth.

She's a piece of cardboard.

The way to ask me yes or no questions is not just to guess it.

Well, what if I get the answer? It's true. Is this podcast where comedy comes to die? Where comedy comes to die.

Hey Riddle Riddle. That's actually pretty good.

We should do a podcast.

Is it a vibrator?

Yes, it's a vibrator. This is a book for kids. And she plunges a vibrator deep within her body. Ooh, plunges the wrong word to use. No, it's not a vibrator.

So she goes into a box.

into a large rectangular box. Oh, the boxes are vagina. The boxes are vagina.

No, it's not a coffin. Plunge it into her.

A rectangular box.

Yeah. So think about a piece of cardboard. In 1990, we're like driver's license cardboard. Like what's, uh, no credit cards on cardboard. No. Like what, what piece of cardboard operates a machine or would give you access to a machine?

Yeah, that's a great place to think about. That's where we should start, is what gives you access to a machine.

When have I ever held cardboard and been like, ooh, access?

You're going to hate this?

Oh no. When I'm eating access cereal. Access cereal. Cereal. JPC, this box of cereal says eating ass.

Eating too ass-ass. Does the box have electricity in it?

Erin, do you not want to participate in our eating ass then? We're going to do a little cereal commercial for eating ass. You didn't want to play? Let's see a quick commercial for eating ass. All three of us have to be 100% committed.

Okay. Hey son. Hey daughter. You kids want some breakfast? Almost noon.

Yeah, and you never let us eat any sugary cereals that we enjoy.

Yeah, I've kept you home from school and made you sit at the table for a few hours so that I can serve you this. Ass? What's that? That's right. Ass is, well, it's self-described. It's a butt. It's a human butt. Butt? You can't eat that, Dad. Ass you can.

And I'm here too.

You don't seem enthused.

I am. This is just my face and my voice.

Okay, you better commit or else we'll have to do this over.

Oh no.

And we're all getting paid for this commercial.

Yes. All right. Don't lose your acetite. Oh good. Don't lose your acetite.

So the box has electricity in it.

Yes. The box has electricity in it.

Is it a car?

No. Oh, JBC said we're gonna be mad at this. So is it like a kid playing pretend in like a... No, it has electricity.

It's like not that Doritos commercial. Billy, you're so old.

A shower. No. Bigger. Bigger. A double shower.

Double shower.

No. A double shower.

It's not a double shower. That's a really good guess, Adal. That's a really good guess because that's a real thing.

Oh my god, it's a double shower. Cool. I don't know.

I don't know. You know what I really want is one of those shower heads that feels like rain. But that's expensive.

Oh, you mean the sky? Oh, goodness gracious. I gotta tell you this story. So my roommate wanted to buy that one and he's like, it's great. I did all the research. It's from Australia. He bought it on Amazon. It's not from Australia. It's manufactured in China by an Australian company and it's awful. Oh no. Tim Wines? Yeah.

Tim Wines, if you're listening, you got put on bias.

Oh, I've told them this. I'm like, this thing sucks. Um, but it was only $20. So if you're looking at something that sucks for $20, easy to install.

I feel like that's not enough pressure, right? When, when rain falls, that's not like enough pressure to get clean.

I've stayed in some, uh, you better get clean.

You better get clean.

I've stayed in some hotels that have those and it is high pressure. It's like, yeah, it's pretty luxurious. It's luxurious. Yeah.

I don't understand. I can't differentiate mentally between a shower head and like hard rain. Like what is the difference? If there's enough pressure behind it that it's a full-on shower, what is the difference between a shower head already and this one that produces a rain-like effect?

It's the way that the water forms into droplets that is different from a normal shower head.

But the way water forms into droplets is like a slower pace, less pressure, right?

I don't necessarily think so. It's not like it's like it's not like it's drops of water falling on you, but you understand what rain is, right? Why am I fucking explaining this to a guy who's never taking a shower in his fucking life?

This reminds a really good energy.

I shower, I spray Febreze on my neck. It's called an Adal shower.

Can you give us a hint?

Yes, it's bigger than a bath. Or a shower, I should say.

It's bigger than a shower. So it's a piece of cardboard. Here's a yesterday question. Is a piece of cardboard unique to each person? Yes. So it's got to be some sort of ID or payment. Is it a type of payment? Not a type of payment, no. Is it a type of ID? No. Is it a type of... You would pay for this type of cardboard. So it's unique to each person. Oh, it's a baseball card.

No. Also, I just think that the word cardboard is throwing you off because I don't think it necessarily has to be cardboard.

I don't know.

If you could get what that piece of cardboard was or what the rectangular box was, you'd understand.

Speaking of cereal, the only cardboard that I've ever touched has been like cutting out the back of a cereal box for like the UPC or something to trade in or something. To put it on a letter and ransom somebody.

I don't know. I think I'm ready for the answer.

Okay, well you don't get it. Can you give us a hint? Yeah, I've given you multiple hints. Give us a better hint. No one wanted to guess anything.

I guess so many things.

So yeah, so it's yes or no questions that you can ask to understand what this large rectangular box was or what this piece of cardboard is.

I think I know what the large rectangular box is. What is it? Nathan Levi's fucking casket when I bury this bitch.

Erin already said it was a coffin and it's not.

Okay, so it is a, does the box, is it like for grownups or for kids?

Can be for both. Does it provide entertainment? Yes. Does it provide entertainment in a public space? Yes. Does it provide entertainment at a mall?

Yes. Could be, could be. Is it an arcade machine? It's not an arcade machine. Is it a roller coaster? To get into the large rectangular box. Is it a bouncy house? Susie goes into the large rectangular box. It's not a game, it's not a bouncy house. It's like a mall.

Oh, it's a dressing room.

It's bigger.

If you could get the size of this thing, then you might have... Can hundreds of people fit in this box? Yes.

Can thousands?

So it's a store. Is it a store? No. Is it a... Movie theater. Yes. Oh, a ticket for a movie theater? Yes. What movie theater is printing on fucking cardboard? Except for in fucking Shantyville.

Susie uses the ticket to enter a movie theater. She threw her stub away when the movie ended. No, no, no, no, no. Even in 1990, it's hard to imagine that movie tickets were made out of cardboard?

I want to see a scene. It can't be. Uh, J.P.C., you're going to a Cara Sodes theater. Cara Sodes?

Do they still have Cara Sodes?

That's still a theater, right? Erin, you're playing Karen Sodes, who's the granddaughter of the owner, and you are giving a ticket, and when you give J.P.C. the ticket, it's printed on an unusual medium.

What are you here to see?

A one for Firefly.

Firefly? Yes, please. Okay. All right. I gotta toast it on some bread.

You have, I'm sorry.

We have a toast through that specialty for each movie, and you toast it, and then I hand you the bread, and then you hand the bread to the ticket taker. You get to see a movie.

I'm sorry. Uh, okay. I, my ticket is bread.

Yep. And if you want to, you can eat it.

Uh, okay. But I give it to the ticket taker. Does he like rip half of the piece of bread?

He takes half of it.

Okay. Can I see your ticket, please? Uh, yeah. It's just this piece of toasted bread. I know what a fucking ticket is. I asked you for it. Oh, okay. Yeah. Can I see your ticket, please?

Yes, yes. Here you are, sir. Okay.

Hmm.

Oh, not so fast. I gotta finish taking your ticket. You don't rip it? You're gonna eat it? Sorry? Dry? I'm taking your ticket, sir. Is there a problem? You're eating, yeah, you're eating toast dry. I need you to go back to the box office. What? I need you to go back to the box office. Why?

Give me my ticket.

Because they're gonna write you up. I'm gonna get written up?

You're gonna get written up. Ma'am, I was sent back to the box office.

Were you complaining about a man eating dry toast in front of you?

I don't necessarily know that I was complaining about it. I definitely was pointing it out.

Yeah, you don't do that. That's really rude.

Okay.

It's super messed up. Let people enjoy their carbs, how they want to enjoy their carbs.

Can I just get another ticket, please?

Um, to Firefly?

Yeah.

Oh, my voice changed. I forgot.

Karen, can I talk to you first?

Yeah, sorry. Yeah, hi.

Karen, when customers come to Akira Sotis, they expect a certain, I don't know, a certain affectation. Yeah, like an old-timey sort of voice, yeah. Like an old-timey cigarette girl. Yeah.

Almost like a Betty Boop.

Yeah, I got thrown off. I'll try again.

Yeah, just so you know, I meant Serenity, which is the Firefly movie, but the movie is called Serenity. Are you a fan of the two-show? They got canceled after one season.

Oh no, but I love when people talk about it and how underrated it is.

It was Joss Whedon, you know, some of his classic early work before he kind of started doing some stuff. Yeah, Dollhouse. Dollhouse was also great. Are you an Eliza Jushku fan?

No.

No?

No.

Oh, okay. She wasn't bringing it on. She wasn't bringing it on, for sure.

And early Joss Whedon is fine.

He knows how to write for women. Same. You guys nailed that Nathan Levy story with holes and you're so good at them and this is a big confidence boost for both of you, okay?

Well speaking of confidence boost, I need to lay down for a little bit just to recover from how terrible this riddle is. So we're gonna take a quick break and we'll be right back with a different book of riddles.

And we're best friends.

Best friends. And we're all best friends here. She's got a cardboard to ride. My favorite Beatles song. That's great. I do like the Beatles. They're a good band.

I mean, you know how tickets are synonymous with cardboard?

Cardboard, yeah.

Really good. Ready for another one?

Yes. Okay. So this one's called The Picnic. The picnic was well attended and very crowded, but no one came to the event.

The best part about this is you got it immediately but you were still wrong because the answer is well attended by crowds of ants and mosquitoes.

Who swarmed around the food, which was prepared for people expected to attend. No one showed up.

I like that Nathan Levi, this wormy little dude sitting in his basement is like, it's too easy. Let me add in mosquitoes.

Let me add in this fucking... Actually in his bio at the end, it does say he's a millionaire and he lives in a castle.

What? Nathan, if you're listening, please adopt me. I will solve your mysteries.

That's all right. I will solve your mysteries.

I have to see a scene. Erin, you are going to play Bathen Beevai. So your alternate universe, Nathan Levi. You live in a castle and you have spent your whole life writing riddles in search of a boy who consults your riddles and then you'll adopt them as your son via Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. They'll inherit your whole fortune. Adal, you are a la Shazam, a boy who has been summoned to the castle to try to prove yourself.

Who's at my door in the rain? Hello, sir. My name's Nate. Does my face scare you? Does my face scare you?

No, but the volume of your voice does. Come in, please. What'd you call me? My name's Nate.

I said step over this creek.

My name's Nate. Ooh, yeah. Ooh, my shoes got wet.

I'm coming to my home, Peter.

I think my shoes are ruined. Whatever. Reebok. I used to have Filas, but then they got discontinued.

Have you ever heard of a Riddle Castle before?

Oh, a rassle?

Fine. I don't know if you're cut out for this. I heard you're the most mischievous evil boy in town, and that's why I summoned you to this castle.

Yeah, you heard right, motherfucker.

Alright, fine. What it takes to ride Riddles is to be- You wanna hear about the pranks I pull? Sure.

Um, I caught a- I caught a cat and I put it in a jar and I threw a match in it.

That's just horrible and not a prank at all. That's just animal cruelty.

It's a fun-ass prank.

Do you know what it takes to ride Riddles?

I'll tell you. Just a pen and a paper.

Yeah, just a pen and a paper and a mischief in your heart.

And a hatred for humanity?

You just need to want to hurt people. I was married once and I told her riddles every morning at breakfast and then she walked out the door and she married the first person she saw.

Yeah, I heard about that woman who married that eight-year-old. That was my friend, my friend.

My friend Tate. Take it down a notch.

Who's talking about the news?

I can still hear her voice in my head right now. Ah, you're pissing on me. Pissing? We're getting it. Give me another riddle.

We're getting it. Did we solve that one? Yeah, it was ants and mosquitoes.

Susie's diet. Susie could eat lobster, but not shrimp. She ate pears, but not apples. Turnips were allowed, but never spinach. Even crab would suffice, but not potatoes. Corn, or even lamb.

She can only eat things that are one syllable.

No.

It's a lettering thing.

Yes. Thank you. Lobster, but not shrimp, pears, but not apples. Turnips were loud, but never spinach. Even crab would suffice, but not potatoes, corn, or even lamb. Oh, this one sucks.

They all suck.

She can't eat foods that taste good.

You don't think shrimp taste good?

Is it a letter thing?

It is a letter thing. Is it a... There's something unique about all of the words of foods that she can't eat.

It's like a vowel followed by a silent consonant or something.

No, it's not that. Read all the words of things that she can't eat, please.

All right, lobster, pears, turnips, crab. All have R in them. It's not that. It's so fucking hard to get this.

Lobster, pear, crab, and wood.

Lobster, pear, turnip, and crab. If you're listening to the show right now, which God, why would you be? But if you are listening to the show right now and you're like on Twitter or on Instagram, I want you to tweet at us. If you think you know the answer to this riddle, and I want you to hashtag it... Where comedy comes to die. Hashtag it Levi, which is L-E-V-Y-S, holes. Levi's holes. If you know the answer to this riddle,

I don't know. Especially now that you said that's impossible to get.

I think it's very difficult to get this.

I feel like if I could see it and write it down, I could probably get it. Would that help? Maybe, but maybe not.

Yeah, I guess that's the answer to anything. I would say it would probably help.

Lobster.

Lobster. Pears. Turnips. And crab, but not shrimp, apples, spinach, potatoes, corn, lamb. Not those things.

Is it a vowels or consonants?

It doesn't have anything to do with vowels or consonants. That's actually a great question because it has nothing to do with vowels and it has nothing to do with consonants.

Does it have to do with what it looks like upside down?

So like shrimp has I am which is I'm, lamb has am which is am, corn has OR which is OR, TO and potatoes. Is it like words, smaller words contained with them?

No. It does have something to do with word order or letter order I will say.

I don't know.

Oh, is it like the opposite?

Guys, guys, seriously, I need to go to the hospital. Please take me to the hospital. Take me to the hospital. No, no, JPC. Seriously, seriously.

It was your idea for a Riddle podcast.

Seriously, we gotta go to the hospital.

You think that if you were sick, I would take you to the hospital?

I need to see Dr. Funny Comedy.

All right, Dr. Funny Comedy will give you a hint. Think about those words, lobster, turnips, pears, crab, in relation to the alphabet.

Oh, they're all letters.

Yes, they're all made of letters.

I don't know.

All of these words have something in common in relation to the alphabet. I mean... Crab is the easiest one to see it, by the way.

Wait, crabs when she can or can't? She can. So AB, so it has consecutive letters in the alphabet.

Yes. Yeah. Lobster, ST, turnips to you, pairs RS, crab AB. All of the foods that she can eat have consecutive letters.

I hate to go to the hospital. I need to see Dr. Funny Comedy.

Honestly guys, ma'am, can I ask why you're here? Okay. Do you have an emergency?

You're in the ER. Yeah. I'm on a Riddle podcast.

That can't be a thing. It is. Is it funny? Wait a second.

And you would think, you would like sort of hope it would be like sort of an NPR style.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Did you say that you're on a Riddle podcast? Yeah. I'm a huge fan. Are you JPC? No?

Oh my god, are you Adal Rifai?

Oh my god, you're Adal Rifai! I love Magic Tavern. Oh, I love Cunt the Badger.

No, no.

Wait.

Are you Sandy Weiss?

Sandy Weiss!

Are you the Riddles? Are you one of the guests that they've had on? Because I wouldn't really say you're on a Riddle podcast.

Oh, you know how there's like a lady there and she's pretty loud.

Well, JPC will sometimes play women. Yeah. He all struck his hair.

I've heard letters on a Patreon episode. Are you letters?

Are you letters?

You're KJ?

You're KJ?

Are you Arnie Parrots? Not Arnie Parrot who does the music.

He is amazing. Are you logo by Emily Cardenas?

No.

Cardenas. It's Emily Cardenas and Emily Morris. I'm not a listener to the show.

Oh, are you head gum? No, I'm not head gum. Are you gum head? No, but I am Erin Keif.

Okay, well we need to see some insurance. Oh, you're sharing beef. Everyone is sharing beef.

Am I everyone's least favorite on Hey Riddle Riddle? Sort of feels like maybe I'm the heart.

You're the heart of... I mean based on social media, Adal's the least favorite.

No!

You're definitely the heart of the show a la Captain Planet where heart's the worst one.

You got a little monkey?

It's sort of hard to be on this show because they get a lot of like JPC and Adal are so funny and then Erin you're there too. So that's sort of what my experience is about. No. JPC.

People love me. I don't know what to tell you. People love me. I don't know what to tell you.

Oh brother. I unfortunately love the most confident person in the cast.

Look I wish I could help.

I wish I could help but people do indeed like me.

People love JPC. People think JPC is so funny. People have a huge dumb old crush on Adal's stupid voice.

I feel like everyone is obsessed with Erin. I feel like everyone is like every episode people are like oh my god I am Erin. Erin is mood. Erin is my mood.

Thank you mood. Thank you mood. Do Adal and I constantly get unsolicited questions about our UTIs? No.

Or get bespoke hats made for us? No. By four people? Five people?

No, but here's the thing, people I think... Hey Riddle. I'll be like, oh, do you want to meet JPC? And they're like, I don't know. I think he might hate me. They're like, well, what happens if he hates me? I'll be devastated. What if he hates me?

Here's what I think. Erin, I think you are the most ever. I think I think people find JPC the funniest. I think people love you the most.

No.

And I feel like by you, I feel like right now by you saying all this, it's going to double.

Oh, you think you're not manipulative?

I know what I'm doing. Here's what I want to posit, is that if you listen to the show, tweet, I love the show versus isolating specific people. Just say, I love the show. Or compliment each of us specifically. Or if you want to tell someone something, tell that person, but then don't tag the other people. Because I've had people tag me and be like, and Adal's there, and I'm like, why did you tag me in this? I don't need to see this. Here's what I will say.

If you like the show, tweet at us, I love JPC and his co-workers. Okay, can we just continue please? That is how I see it. Okay, this is, you're gonna love this because this is from the book Nathan Levi's stories with holes while I do. What publisher gave a volume to? There's no way these aren't self-published. An Inno Associates Inc. book. We are stressing KJ. I want to do something real quick.

Can I do something real quick? Sure. I want to see a scene. JPC, you're not in the scene. Good. Erin, I want you to play, you're going to play Briefkit. Which is a cat, so picture a cat, but it's a head and four legs and a tail, but its body is a briefcase. So first picture a briefcase, and then out of the front of the briefcase is a cat's head. Underneath is four little, nice, poking out, and in the back there's a tail. And if you were to open up the briefcase, it's just organs. So it's like, it is the cat. It's not wearing a briefcase, it is the briefcase. It's called a briefkit.

But opening it is possible.

Alright, and where am I?

And then I'm called Lapdog and I'm a dog that opens up into a laptop. Okay. So we're just two like super adorable characters that are new to the show, Briefkit and Lapdog, that everyone loves. And the people are gonna go fucking nuts for it. JPC, you're not in this.

Okay, KJ, I want you to look at me. Guaranteed I come into the scene, I open that cat, and I open that dog.

All right, let's get started.

And this is for Erin and I to make up some ground with the audience in terms of like... Hey lapdog. Hey brief kit.

Guess what happened to me today?

Someone opened you and saw your guts?

No, a man picked me up and took me all the way down to the Loop downtown.

Nice a date?

No, to his office. He thought I was his briefcase and I went and rode the train and I went. I got all the way downtown.

Oh, this is a sad story.

What did you do today?

I'm mostly recharged. Got some software updates?

Oh, not like a bath.

No, I'd electrocute myself.

Oh yeah.

Yeah.

I don't want to be opened up today.

Yeah.

Are you depressed? No, I'm just, that's just my voice. Just. Oh. Oh, here's this man.

I never noticed that before. Oh look, there's a man. Oh, here comes a man. Oh, he's skateboarding in with a backwards hat and he's dabbing and his shirt says 420.

Well, he has no interest in briefcase.

Everyone's cheering him on. Everyone's going fucking nuts for this guy.

I'm Insane and you're my puppets. I've got nipples, fucker.

Can you milk me? He said his catchphrases. Alright, let's do another Riddle.

I love how my catchphrase is something from beat the fuckers.

Hey, I love you guys.

I love you too.

Erin, do you have something you want to say to me?

Erin, do you have something you want to say? I'm really enjoying my citrus blend Italian sparkling mineral water. It's my best friend who I love.

She said it but in a shitty way. Now she wants to do the eat and ask commercial. Let's do drink and ask.

Okay.

All right, Nathan stories, stories with ass. This is called the train accident. Of the 85 people involved in the train accident, all people survived with no major injuries. Then it's not really an accident. There were two dead on the police list.

Solve. The train was transporting two dead bodies. No, cadavers. No, that's great. That's a really fun answer. There's two dead on the, what was it called, the police list?

Can you read that again?

There were two dead on the police list.

Nope, the whole thing?

Oh, yes. Of the 85 people involved in the train accident, all people survived with no major injuries. There were two dead on the police list.

I know it. Yeah. It's Phyllis and Clyde dead. Their last name is dead. Phyllis and Clyde dead. It's not Phyllis and Clyde dead.

Can I see a seat? I'm so sorry. You two are Phyllis and Clyde dead, and you're at a party, and you are the freaking life of the goddamn party.

Oh man, I know. Is it dead in here or what? Sweetie, you're the worst. You're the worst. You're the best. Oh, God. I love being a dead. I love having a drop dead gorgeous wife. Stop it.

You're killing me. Hey, Phyllis.

Mom? Dad? Can I come down to the party for a little bit? I can't sleep.

Cadaver? Go to your room. Daff? Daven? Daven? Cadaver? Cadaver? Cadaver, go to your room.

Why did you call me cadaver dead?

What? Because we're the life of the party. Sometimes the dead can be lively.

I'm getting really cheesed at school.

What are people saying?

What are the kids saying? She's so pale, what a cruel name for her.

Your last name doesn't change that.

No, I'm just saying.

Yeah, but your complexion is just, you have to live with that.

She's so dead, they said it twice.

Cadaver. That's pretty good. Cadaver who we call David as a woman. Look at your father and I. Or your mother and I.

Look at Cameron.

Look at Cameron and Phyllis dead. We make the most of our last name. We're dead and loving it.

Yeah, but you got to have normal first names. My first name is Kadab or Dead.

Well, to be fair, Cameron's first name was Clyde and then he legally changed it because he didn't like what Adal said.

There's a lot going on.

See? Mr. and Mrs. Allen Dead were traveling on the train. Adal got it. Is that right? Oh my god.

Well, at least you're learning how to play the game at all.

Honestly, Levi? I respect it. If I get it, I respect it. Honestly, Levi, I take back everything in bed I ever said about you. And you're the hero and you're the king.

Honestly, I fuck you in the cloud.

Alright, this is called the one-handed man. And Erin just barfed the one-handed man. The one-handed man avoided problems, except when he had two hands. What the fuck? He's always jerking off. Oh man. Yeah. Okay, say that again. The one-handed man avoided problems, except when he had two hands.

The one-handed man avoided problems, except when he had two hands.

Is it like the hand of the king, like hand, like helpers?

No, but that's a good guess. Is it? Not that it's close, it's just a good guess. Thank you. Two hands. He avoided problems except for when he had two hands.

I'm clearly in Game of Thrones, man, thinking of the hand of the king.

The one-handed man avoided problems except when he had two hands. Is it Margaret Atwood's Handmaid's Tale? It's not a Handmaid's Tale, and it's not Margaret Atwood's. Margaret at me. Margaret don't at me, Woods. The one-headed man avoided problems, except when he had two hands. So when he had two hands, he had a lot of problems.

Oh, okay. That reforms it for me. Yep, sure. I see what you're saying.

Okay. It's not a clock.

What do you mean, avoided problems? Two hands when he clapped.

No. I will give you a hint. Is that something that you would be interested in? I would love a hint, thank you. This man is an addict.

He's an addict, so he lives above a second story of a house.

Above a doctor.

He's right on top of a doctor.

We did it!

We did it! Is it like he needs to tie off his arm to inject a needle?

No.

Not that type of addict. But good geps. Addict. Oh, he's a porn addict. He's a porn addict. Is he a porn addict? No. Is he an alcoholic? No. Is he... Is his... Smoking. No. Is what he's addicted to, is it considered like universally bad?

Um, no.

No. I mean... Caffeine?

No. It is something that people get help with.

Um, but it's not considered necessarily bad.

I mean, yes. Like marijuana? Yes, it's bad.

Marijuana? No. No. So being in a college band?

I'm a here for college band addict anonymous. Can't stop drumming. Uh, it's no, and he's, uh, he is one handed, so it could be the Def Leppard. Yeah. I don't know. Can we get a better hint? Uh, what else can you be addicted to?

You mean, oh Robert Palmer, addicted to love. Uh, no, that was porn.

The nights are on. No. But you're not home.

Uh, sex, sleep, food.

And the fact that he has two hands. Yeah. If you got the thing that he was addicted to, you would get this immediately.

You, okay. What do you need two hands for? Everything.

So it's not drugs.

It's not drugs. Piano. No. Is it like a substance? No, not a substance. Bongos. Not an instrument. Massages. Not a massage. Good massages, I should have said.

It's an addiction that you need your hands for.

You need two hands for. No. Oh, CPR. No.

TV.

You don't need your hands for. This is such a bad riddle. You don't need two of your hands? No, you don't need hands for. High-fiving. He's addicted to high-fiving.

You don't need him. You would definitely need your hands to high five.

I don't know.

Is hands in this sense?

Give me a high five, man.

No, dude. I'm not going to enable you, dude. Is hands in this instance an actual human hand? No.

No. For both? For one, he is a one-handed man. Hunting.

What else has a hand?

Clocks? He's a one-handed man who sometimes has two hands.

What has hands? Clocks? Muppets. Yes. Animals?

That's not correct. Something you can be addicted to. I don't know. Oh, uh, gambling. Yes! Oh, hand of cards.

I'm so sorry everybody, I should have gotten that score.

He was a gambler who had to avoid playing cards. When he had a card hand, he could not quit playing and he got further into debt, therefore having many problems.

I want to see a scene. JPC, you're a man addicted to cards? Just not even gambling, just playing cards. And Erin, you are someone that he meets who has no idea that this is a problem, and at some point you take out a deck of cards.

Hey. Oh hey, thanks so much for joining me.

Yeah, no problem.

Yeah. God, I guess it's been like 10 years. Yeah, weird. Since high school. Wow. You look the same. Well, you look like you've aged backwards. Give me your Benjamin Button doctor. Yeah, it's funny.

Sorry, do you want to call the police over here? Are we okay? I'm sorry, yeah. Sorry, I just heard some yelling. Here's your breadsticks and those are never ending.

Oh excellent. Do you want to see a magic trick?

Oh yeah, what kind of magic trick? A coin behind the ear or something to make it disappear?

Take out my deck of cards.

I'm sorry, do I need to call the cops? Is there a problem? No, I'm out.

Someone's clearly coming. I heard someone coming. No, you heard someone all but coming.

You people here usually hear orgasms when people eat the breadsticks.

When you hear you're coming, can I write? Can you put the coin? Take those off the table. Are you okay? Yeah, it's fine.

You'll love this trick. This will make you feel better. Hi, hi, hi, hi. Excuse me.

Excuse me. Yes. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Are you ready to order? I am ready to order. I'll have the spaghetti a la meatballs. Can you please take the card? I want lasagna. We don't have a dish called spaghetti a la meatballs.

Why not? You taking it on the menu? Nah, you're right. What can I get you, man?

She says lasagna.

Okay, I'll be right back.

Alright, so here, I want to pick a card.

Looks like Meat is back on the menu, boys! I come like that orc from Lord of the Rings. Right before he eats a goblin. Okay you ready for this son? Eats a goblin. This is the last one that's called the career. Kevin spent his entire career with huge wild animals whose claws and teeth were horribly sharp but once he was bitten or but not once was he bitten or clawed by any of the untamed jungle animals. Why? He spent his whole life around, what was it? Huge wild animals whose claws and teeth were horribly sharp, but not once was he bitten or clawed by any of the untamed jungle animals. Why?

He works at the Museum of Natural History, covered, surrounded by taxidermied old-timey animals.

Karen, can I talk to you for a second? What's up? Um, you're working at a kerosodes, not promoting the local museum.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Just so you know, it's all the same people from Firefly the Show. It's just in a movie. So Nathan Fillion is in this? Fillion is in it, yes. Alan Tudyk.

Remember Dr. Horrible?

Aaron, you nailed it. You put the nail right on the big... He deals with dead animals. He's a taxidermist. Kevin is a taxidermist and that is why... Hey, I'm the taxidermist. Oh, Adal, you want to sing your big song? Good! Because it's a show about people who sing their big songs. It's a show about riddles. Let that be a lesson to all of you.

We're getting lectured.

Sorry dad. You guys have solved half of Nathan Levi's stories with Hold Volume 2. You should be very, very proud of yourselves. How many more do we have? He has written 20 volumes of this. Here's what I'll say. And we have Patreon money and I think that it should be spent buying these. Here's what I'll say.

The minute we finished Nathan Levi's riddles, we are going to do a documentary where we film ourselves going to meet him. That's what we'll use Patreon money for, is to film a documentary.

Hire a documentary crew to take us out to, I think he's on the East Coast, Erin, so I think he's like... I'll never go home.

I'm going to go to jail because it's just going to be video footage of me kicking the shit out of an old man.

I'm sure he's so nice.

You're going to go to jail for getting your ass kicked by an old man. That's what's going to happen. Yeah, I'm sure he's a nice guy. He just did a terrible thing for the world.

Nathan, again, I know we just dismantled you verbally. Open invite to come on the show.

I would love that.

Honestly, I would love that. I would love that and here's what I promise, I will do no work to make that happen. Fans if you're listening, or fan I should say, fan if you're listening. Kidnap Nathan Levi. Bring him to the studio. We gotta get him on the show.

And we're not responsible for any jail time you may face.

Yes, we calling for you to do that are not responsible because of I think there's a law about it. Erin, is there anything that you would like to plug?

Follow me at erinkeif10 on Instagram. I talk about my shows there and also if you want to message me or talk to me that's definitely the way better place and better than Twitter because I don't really go on Twitter. It stresses me out.

You can follow me on Twitter and Instagram at Adal Rifai. Come see World News Tonight, which is a show that three of us do. We've had, I think the last like 20 shows, we've had Hey Riddle fans after every single show. So keep coming and keep saying hi afterwards because otherwise we'll leave and go home without saying hi. We want to say hi. So please grab us and say hello. Yell at us and we'll come over and say hello to you.

Also, oh go ahead. No, I just forgot to plug something. Come back around to me.

Okay. Erin, you can interrupt me now. I'll cede my time to you. No, no, no. You have to sing the plug.

Let's restart. Every Thursday at 10 p.m. I have a show with my best friends called Web Boss at Ayo Theater. And if you message me on Instagram, I'll give you two free tickets. Wow. I'll give out two every single week. Check out Hello from the Magic Tavern.

Check out Sibling Specular. Come see Hello from the Magic Tavern at Gen Con August 2nd Friday where we have tickets at the theaters.

And then if you are a fan of the show, come see it live. We're going to be in L.A. on Mother's Day. We are going to be in Chicago on Father's Day. You can get tickets to our live shows at headgum.com slash live. You can follow me, JPC, on Instagram, at sharkbarkman, on Twitter, at JPsofly. I got all the rest of my crap in my bio. Oh wait, I forgot something. I forgot to plug something. Erin, you can plug one more thing.

Adal has a thing that is patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle. $5 a month for bonus content.

They said that that was porn.

A month worth of bonus content.

What? They said that that was porn and they took that down. Nude pictures of me as fucking a sea turtle is porn?

Enough of this.

Yeah enough of this. Let's all go back to our homes on the planet.

Of Jupiter.

Goodbye. Bye forever.

created by Adal Rifai, Starring Erin Keif, and John Patrick Coan. H.E. Snyder did the editing, and already parented the music. logo created by Emily Cardamus and Emily DeForest. H.E.R.A. Riddle Riddle. That was a Headgum podcast.