Which Riddle Riddle?

Bark bark bark, JPC. Me hungry.

Adal, we've talked about this, my man. If you do that, I will feed you, but it will be dog food.

That's fine.

Okay, I mean, I think I know what's going on. You want the dog food because you know that I use Ollie dog food. Ruff ruff. Ollie's fresh recipes are developed by real chefs and backed by vet nutritionists. They're obsessed with making the best meals with the highest quality ingredients for dogs. Now, I gotta say, Adal, you can eat it. I don't think you're gonna like it as a human. This is specifically for dogs.

It just looks and sounds so good. Also, with Ollie, you don't just get food through their app, you can actually check in on your dog's health with real vets. Just by uploading a picture of your dog, not of your Adal, their team can check in on your dog's weight, digestion, coat, all because they're obsessed with making sure your pup is as healthy as can be.

I wonder what happens if I upload a picture of Adal. Let me just try it now. They said, oh, they said, this dog is very sick. Take this dog. Take this dog. It says to a people hospital. I switched to Ollie, I tried it out, my dog Spaghetti absolutely went nuts for Ollie. She is a dog, one of these types of dogs, I don't know if you've heard of, have you heard of these types of dogs? She's the type of dog who you can like put the food in her bowl and then she'll just like see it in there all day and only eat it when she's hungry. Now, when it's time for dinner, at about four o'clock every day, she comes up and starts snapping at me like, hey man, get the Ollie out of the fridge, put it in the bowl, dude, you gotta be getting faster at this. She absolutely loves it and it's the first food that I've ever given her that she actually seems to be interested in. So get ready for both you and your pup to be obsessed. Head to Ollie.com slash Riddle, tell them all about your dog, and use code RIDDLE to get 70% off your welcome kit when you subscribe today. Plus, they offer an obsession guarantee. If you're not completely obsessed, you'll get your money back. That's O-L-L-I-E dot com slash Riddle. And enter code RIDDLE to get 70% off your first box. Can't confirm the promo code works because I used it. I used my own promo code for my own podcast. That's how much I like the product.

Oh, shoot. I just remembered I buried some bones in the backyard. And by bones, I mean Erin. Let me go dig her up.

Oh boy. Ollie, feed the obsession.

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

No shit, all Sherlock, it's Hey Riddle Riddle solving the riddies and puzzies that this garbage world has to throw at us. I'm Adal Rifai. I'm JPC.

And I'm Erin Keif.

And we are doing another Mailbag episode. We are joined today by a very special guest, who is objectively known as the best improviser in the world. Yes, that's correct. Ask anyone. Pretty subjective.

You might know him from TJ and Dave.

We're just reading the card that you gave us. TJ and Dave, yeah, this is what you gave us here. Signed headshot. You might know him from TJ and Dave. You might know him from the Sonic commercials. Does your character have a name in that? TJ. TJ. Named after you?

Yeah.

I'm named after it. It's actually, it's my godson's name. Also plays Klax on Hello from the Magic Tavern and Offices and Bosses. TJ Jagodowski. Hey guys. Thank you so much for being here.

Thank you for having me, man. How are you doing? Oh, real good. Real good. Thank you. Yeah, my brackets are still holding together. I don't know when this will come out, but right now.

I would say late April. Oh, then I won.

Who do you have going all the way? Duke and Virginia. Duke snuck out. Two teams winning at first.

I'll let you know after the game. I got Duke and Virginia going all the way to the Final 16. TJ, how are you feeling personally about riddles and puzzles? Do you enjoy them? I feel like we've done a few things that are riddle-based and you've took to them. I enjoy the hell out of them.

Don't always do them well, but I enjoy jogging the brain box a little bit. So yeah, I love a good riddle. Do you do a lot of crosswords or a lot of Used to do a ton of crosswords and still do puzzles here and there as well. Peter Gwynne has mailed that one. It has this insanely complicated one that this guy from this madman from Long Island mails to us and it's once a year 50 questions it takes you like two and a half months to get through the damn thing and it's not always all that satisfying.

Is it a physical copy of something?

Yeah, there's like a bunch of questions. Turns out just to be a huge pain-in-the-ass research assignment, but I still like enjoy the madness of it. Is it like obscure trivia? No, it'll be like two palindromic baseball players faced off against each other. Now take all the letters of their last name, replace one of them with the letter that comes before it in the alphabet, rearrange that to find a make or model of car. Got it. The maker-model of car may not exist anymore. In case anyone ever wants it, the only time Palin-Jomi baseball pitchers have faced each other, Rob Nen pitched against Dave Otto. In case you ever want it.

Yeah, Nen-Otto. That was huge for baseball.

People are going to think I'm a god when I get that right in trivia.

Who is she? Didn't you and Rush Howell used to host a trivia...

We co-hosted a pub quiz at the Mission Theatre. James Dugan and I have talked about doing it again, and Beth and I hosted like two of them. Yeah, we try to make them really, really difficult. I think that the next question I want that has a multitude of answers to it, in case anyone wants to prep, in case this ever happens, is name, I think there's 14, but name, you could have like 10 possible answers, of people who have played Colonel Sanders in the last four years.

Ooh, that's a good one. Wow, okay. Pretty good. I only know two. Reba McIntyre. Oh, I didn't know that one. Norm MacDonald. Am I ruining this question for you now? George Hamilton. George Hamilton. The guy from Daily Show. Rob. Not Corddry. Wait, no, I'm not thinking. Rob Hubel.

No, no, no. Rob Riggle. Yeah, Riggle did it. Jim Gaffigan. Oh yeah. Were there any other lady Colonel Sanders? Just Reba. That sucks.

Rob Lowe really uh-huh yeah and like a throwback one to like the Kennedy administration

And Erin, you wouldn't play the colonel if that opportunity came across?

Not for a billion dollars.

I don't know. That seems like a pretty easy way to make a billion. Yeah, it's like a day's work. Round the table same question. Would you play the Colonel for a billion dollars? I'd say yeah, I'd do it for 10 years for a billion.

Well, also, let's go ahead and before we we JPC is gonna be old man puzzles today doing the mailbag But before we get into that, let's clear the there's an elephant in the room, which is that TJ and Erin are both from Mass Yeah, great state of Mass. So let's let's get out some hometown shoutouts.

Do you just want us to name some towns?

No, your hometown. I think you should give hometown shoutouts to people that you know from the old hometown. Do you think hometown just means listing all the cities in a state? Yeah. Okay. I'll hear that too. What do you think homecoming queen is? Everyone? Yeah, everyone. I was homecoming queen, so it was 250 other women. Can you milk me?

I'm from Hingham, which is the south shore of Massachusetts. It's about 20 minutes south of Boston. It's on the water. It's very pretty. Eleanor Roosevelt went down our Main Street once and was like, this is nice, and now we can't change anything. Perfect.

And I'm from Holyoke, Massachusetts, in the western side of the state, surrounded by absolute beauty on the shores of the Connecticut River, deep in the, well, sort of at the edge of the Pioneer Valley, near the foot of the Berkshire Mountains. I feel like you made that up.

None of the things that TJ mentioned sound like Boston.

And TJ just won an award, a prestigious award, if I may put you on the spot. You called him the best improviser in the known universe.

Before I even started improvising.

When I was just a glint in my dad's eye, everyone, I don't mean to like put this earth on Atlas's shoulders here, but everyone said TJ is the person to see, to watch, and then when I saw you it was, I fell in love with improv all over again.

Let's put this at the end if the scenes go well. If the scenes are terrible, let's just not do this.

If they're terrible, it'll be because of us. At the end, we'll give you our new impressions of you as a performer. We're crabs in a bucket. We'll drag you down.

And honestly, you're fine, but I'm a pesquisy guy. If I'm being honest, he's great.

What's the award you won?

It was the John F. Kennedy Award for a person of Irish descent who has achieved excellence in their field. And so they ignored the Jagodowski part of my name. And yeah, I got to walk in the parade, and I got to fire the shotgun to start the road race and stuff. Who'd you hit? I actually yelled, run for your lives, and then fired the shotgun.

I've made this joke before, but it's correct that the official certificate says Jag Odowski, right? Yes. They had to Irish up your name.

What are some previous winners?

JFK. He did.

He won it, man, 40 years ago. He was the third. Yeah, he actually did win it first, but I guess I don't know what it was named then. And then Maureen O'Hara, Irish Mickey Ward, the boxer, Tom Clancy, Doris Kearns Goodwin, David McCullough, Robert Stack. When you win, do you get all their contact info?

You get their souls. You get their souls in a box. And TJ, last question before we start. Do you think Ted Kennedy killed that girl? More than likely. More than most.

I don't know if he killed her, I don't know if he went back for her. Adal just laughed so hard his headphones shot off his head. I'm not gonna call the man a murderer.

TJ, I told a story on the show that happened at Christmas a couple years ago where I have one conservative uncle and he was leaving the party and he went, Ted Kennedy killed that girl and I heard my aunt yell, John, you always do this! It's like a bomb exploded.

There's, I mean, it definitely proves that there's literally nothing that a candidate could have done to have them not re-elected in our state, for sure.

Or not have their photos everywhere around my home, like they belong to us.

So we have some of these, so we're doing an all-mailbag this episode, which means all of these are listener submitted. We're always accepting more of these, so if you ever want to send us some riddles, you can send those in to hrrpodcast at gmail.com. I will say that we have like hundreds of riddles in the submission category because we don't do these mailbag episodes that often. And a lot of them are very like old from when we first started the show. So I think all of these are going to be like some of the older submissions that have been sent in. But I will say that a lot of people submitted riddles that we answered late in later episodes of the show that we like never answered from their emails. So I'm sure that there's a lot of people out there who wrote us emails and they're like, oh man, they'll never read that.

So if you send us an email, maybe send us two or three so we have some options.

My favorite is when people send us emails with riddles in it and they're like, I'm six episodes in and I wanted to submit a riddle and I'm like, that's a terrible idea because we're 40 episodes in and we've already done that one.

What are the titles of the first couple words of the ones you don't need anymore?

If the answer is a cloud, the mother, a lighthouse, a goldfish, a deck of cards on the floor, or hung himself with dry ice, a lot of those.

So this one is um well you know what the the way that they the way that they

put their signature on this is best dragon hobgoblin so this is all I'll give credit to dragon hobgoblin for this not really a toughy more of a warm-up to be honest but it's my favorite riddle I have no hinges key nor a lid but inside me a golden treasure is hid what am I probably an egg That's what I was gonna guess, egg. Erin?

The yolk.

Okay, so Adal says egg, TJ says egg, and Erin says yolk.

No, like the gold is the yolk.

Yes, the gold is the yolk. The answer to that one is egg.

We did it, everybody. Let's head out.

Yolk, that's what we call my hometown, colloquially, around there. Hull Yolk, we just call it. What up, Yolk? Oh, nice. Yeah. Do you have, does Hingham have a hingy?

No.

The yam?

People from other schools call us Blingham or Chichingham because it's a rich town. That's more mean than it is a fun nickname. People should call it The Yam.

Luxbury? Deluxbury. This one is from Evan. Evan says, How do you have been enjoying your show? I have it ready for you, but it doesn't work on paper, so you'll have to know the answer. Okay.

Okay.

Here's the riddle. Five people jump into a pool, but only four heads come out. How? One died.

One drowned.

That's dark. Five heads go into a pool. Nope. No. Five people jump into a pool, but only four heads come out. How? And I guess Evan says that you're allowed to ask yes or no questions as well. Here's So best case scenario, they're like, five people jump into a pool, four come out, and they're like, yeah, well, your daughter was a mermaid, so she's alive and she's happy in the sea.

Although I do sincerely want to ask, do mermaids, are they like whales or dolphins? Do they come to the surface to breathe or do they have, do they have lungs or gills? Who do you sincerely want to ask this question to?

They can breathe underwater. They don't have to surface. But the assumption is also that they live in like an underwater kingdom which is it's also unclear as to if that has its own sort of closed you know ventilation system. But mermaids do not have to surface.

TJ took me seriously and I appreciate that.

Okay, cool. While we're pondering the answer to this riddle, I do want to see a scene. We're going to see a scene, Adal and TJ, you are the lord and lady of the kingdom of the Mer people. So you two are the benevolent rulers. Erin, you are their daughter, and you have questions about the outside world and the land of the air breathers that you want your parents to answer.

Mother, father.

Yes, come swim closer.

What?

I was just asking her to swim closer.

Yeah, I know, what?

Yeah, sweetie, what do you want? Your mom is very tired. She's had a long day. She was reeled in for 35 feet and didn't let go. What? A fisherman almost cut your mom.

Hooked me. I got hooked. She got hooked.

She got hooked?

Mom, are you okay?

Oh my god, you're bleeding.

Yeah, right in the rib. I didn't I wriggled until the hook, it was from a troweler.

Alright, well this is probably not the right day to ask this, but I was just wondering... Do you have something to say to your mom first? Mom, I'm sorry you got hooked.

Oh, you didn't have anything to do with it. Don't make her apologize for stuff. She already says sorry too much.

Okay, alright. That's fair. That's fair.

Please stop fighting. I don't want dad to go away again. This isn't a fight!

You haven't seen us fight before.

I'm just tired of this. Fine, fine.

What's your question, Smithie?

I'm just wondering if I can go to the circus.

If you can go to the- Circus?

The circus. I just want to go to the circus.

You want to go to a circus.

I don't want to go to the circus. I want- well, maybe. I want to go to a circus, but I want it above ground.

What? What is the fascination?

Mom, are you drunk?

I'm alive! I'm doped up! I'm a painkiller! I got hooked by a troller!

I had to go above surface and leave our Atlantis town and go to a CVS to find some painkillers.

See this is the fascination. I want to do normal human people things. Like go to a CVS and then like think about getting a Snickers bar. You wouldn't survive a CVS.

It's not as glamorous as it sounds. I know the first time I heard CVS I was like ooooh. Oh man that must be wonderful. And it's not I mean that what you can buy is... It's band-aids and playing cards.

Yeah. And of course CVS stands for Central Ventilation System. I presume. Yeah.

You know what? I'm 18 soon and I got two parents who fight and don't don't even care. I don't even I'm going to the surface.

I think it's consumer value stores or something.

That sounds more likely. Alright, so do we have an answer for this riddle?

We can't ask yes or no questions?

You can ask yes or no questions. I'll read it one more time. Five people jump into a pool, but only four heads come out.

How? Is it not a swimming pool? Is it some other type of pool? No. Okay. Are they their human heads?

Yes, they are human heads. Is the swimming pool full of water or empty? Yes.

I will say that the trick to this riddle is in wordplay.

Oh, conjoined twins.

Is someone just still under the water? Wait, wait.

You think they're like drowning one of the conjoined twins? Have you ever seen those conjoined twins where it's one head with two different bodies? They both share a head? Oh, like that Matt Damon movie.

Yeah.

Is someone doing a handstand in the pool?

No. Foreheads. Yeah, what we're actually saying is foreheads. F-O-R-E heads, meaning that five people still come up, but only up to their foreheads. Hope you like it. Hey, Evan, we didn't. No, Evan, we did like it. Thank you so much. You stumped us. You get the official stump seal. Wait a minute. I just got it. You stumped us. You said I got it.

You stumped us. I said foreheads. You said I got it.

Evan, you stumped the best of us.

We'll be sending you a stump. That is a $500 stump. Email us back your mailing address and we'll be sending you a stub. Okay, so this is a riddle from... Let's see if I... We'll just say Yusuf. Yusuf... Wait, we'll just say Yusuf? I'm gonna say Yusuf.

Does it say Cat Stevens?

Yeah, it's Yusuf Islam. But he says, please, I'm going by this now. Tea for the Tillerman was one of my best albums. But now I'm changing my name. No, I just I never do last names unless people specifically sign their last name because like their email... The way I knew that you were lying.

A Japanese ship was en route in the open sea. The captain went for a shower after removing his diamond ring and watch on the table.

When he returned, his valuables were missing. The captain immediately called five suspected crew members and asked each one where and what he was doing for the last 15 minutes. The cook, in a heavy overcoat, I was in the fridge room getting meat for cooking a meal. The engineer, with a torch in hand, I was working on the generator engine. The seaman, I was on the mast correcting the flag which was upside down by mistake. The radio officer, I was messaging to the company that we were reaching the next port in 72 hours, which will be Wednesday morning at 1000 hours. Erin's eyes are closed. The navigator, or the navigation officer, I am on night watch, so I was sleeping in my cabin. After hearing all of this, the captain immediately identified the culprit. Who was it? I know it. Oh, okay, so Adal knows it.

I solved it. I don't want to say what number in, but I solved it very quickly. You solved it very quickly? I believe. I'm not 100% confident, but I'm 95% confident.

Okay, so if you just answer the riddles outright, the show ends, and it comes to a screeching halt. So what Adal sounds like he's doing is bragging, but really what he's doing is allowing for some air to leave.

I'm waiting for TJ to solve it, so I can be like, yep, that's what I got. That's what I came to as well.

This is the egg riddle over again, where it's egg, egg, and then Erin says, the yolk? Yolk? And we're like, yes. The cook, I was in the fridge room getting meat for cooking a meal. The engineer, I was working on the generator engine. The seaman, I was on the mast correcting the flag, which was upside down by mistake. The radio officer, I was messaging to the company that we are reaching the next port in 72 hours, which will be Wednesday morning at 1000 hours. The navigations officer, I'm on the night watch, so I was sleeping in my cabin. After hearing all of this, the captain immediately knew the culprit.

Um, is, do some of these give an indication or clue that the one who's lying is lying?

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

That was my thought.

Rising Sun, Wesley Snipes.

It's a red dot. It's probably more significant than a red dot.

No, JPC, there is a red dot on your head. There is a sniper in the vicinity?

That brings us to my first red dot. You are correct. The thief is the seaman because the ship is Japanese, thus the flag mast would be a Japanese flag, which is exactly the same when turned upside down.

But are we to believe that all of these Japanese officers were speaking English?

I translated it all from Japanese. Is there a way for you with all sensitivity to read that in Japanese? Oh yeah, and I refuse to do so.

I could read it in there. That's the correct answer.

I think they were all up to no good. I don't think any of these guys were doing what they were supposed to be doing.

Yeah, I think it's a murder on the orient. Were they starting to make trouble in the neighborhood?

Yeah.

They all sounded a little unsure of their jobs.

I want to see a scene.

Erin, you are the captain of a ship. We'll just say that there is no nationality to it. It's just a pirate ship. I guess pirates, do they have nationalities? Barbary. So Erin, you're the captain of a ship. I did say captain, so we'll go with that. And JPC and... So she does have to be the captain? Yep, she's the captain. Got it. JPC and TJ, five initials in total. You two will be... You are people who have come aboard the ship and you are trying to justify yourselves as crew members. Yes. Offering up a multitude, a litany of different jobs or titles.

Gentlemen, step forward.

Captain, you wanted to see us?

Yeah. Who the heck are you and what the heck are you doing here?

Oh, we're crew members on the ship.

Yeah, but the two of you don't walk with much confidence, and I just wanted to make sure what your deal was.

Well, if I haven't said this before, I'm Ron Dergis, and I was waxing everything, and that might have explained our cautious gait.

And I don't know, I guess it's, I maybe have not said this aloud before. My name is Tag Bowflex, and I am Tag Bowflex, and I am the meal operator on the ship. I operate the spoons to make the meals.

Okay. All right. Wait, so what's like a day to day for you? Like, what do you do all day?

Okay. Wake up at the crack of Six one. Six one. Half a dozen to the other. First of all, as meal operator, I have to inspect all the spoons. Make sure no forks get in there. One fork can ruin the whole bunch. Stalers get stabbed. Prongs are bad. And I gotta walk slow.

Yeah, because I'm up at the crack, I fall out of my bark head, and I start melting tallow, because I'm taking that from soup to nuts. I start with pig fat on that. Riddle Riddle

To get to the bottom of this, I'm gonna do some rapid-fire questions.

Sure, yeah, no, no, no. That's smart.

Then let's get back to pirating, because I want... We're doing a little pirating.

Yeah, absolutely. And we're really into doing that.

Let's just jump right into the questions. How old are you?

Four.

Where are we right now?

Spain.

What's your favorite flavor of ice cream?

Hammer. Mexico.

And are you two kids pretending to be adults because you want to be in a pirate ship?

Globe trotters. Oh, I definitely want to see the captain with the superpower to tell if someone's lying and like try and fight crime. It's like, my wife was murdered. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

Was she really? Yes.

All right.

This one, this, these riddles come from Matthew. Why'd you say it like that? Because there's multiple riddles. I had to scroll down to see that there were riddles. Matthew says, love the show. I came up with a few riddles you all might like below. The first one rhymes. The first one rhymes is in parentheses like I would, I would have fucked that up. But I will just like to say, Matthew, before I even read these riddles, I love that you wrote these yourself. So many people submit, like I said, the same riddle over and over again. So if you write them yourself, there's no way that anyone could have ever submitted it before.

It is good that he tells you in case one of the lines ends in like Polish or Polish, then you know that you're supposed to read it with the rhyming pronunciation. What do we call those, homonyms? Sure, you call them whatever you want, man.

Himonyms. Cinnamon. I think you're thinking of the word cinnamon.

That's what it is.

You can call Polish people whatever you want, really. Yes, TJ, now that I'm looking at this, he does use the word Polish quite a few times. No, he doesn't. Matthew, I'm assuming you're a nice person and you're nice with the Polish. There once was a man who was Irish.

Of course he might have been Polish then. You're a nice guy, wouldn't use the word Polish, is that what you were... It's not derogatory.

The way he uses the joke that I'm doing, it's pretty derogatory.

Fuck it, I'm drunk, you're being a real Italian. Sir, you have to go.

I feel like this applies to, like, everything, but also, like, you could say Jew the wrong way pretty quickly. Like the way you just did. Oh yeah! The chest has a hinge and many lids, but no lock to hide what is hid. The treasure inside can't be felt to the touch, but within your eye it's worth very much.

The chest has a hinge and many lids, but no lock to hide what is hid.

The treasure inside can't be felt to the touch, but within your eye is worth so very much. RIDDLE RIDDLE RIDDLE Don't tell me whether or not to get bogged down.

I'll get bogged down if I fucking want.

That's a piano. I'm a bog man. You're saying that the language is very symbolic?

Yeah, it's like a poetic. So it's not like a literal chest. To the eye, it's worth very much. Beauty? It's the love of your life. No, it's not. I will say that it's also not an intangible, like it's not a concept. It is something you can touch.

An egg.

Yes. I'm sorry, Erin, did you say egg?

Yeah, that's correct. For listeners, no matter what Erin answers, we're going to keep splicing in egg, so if you just heard her say egg, she said something else, but we're going to keep editing in her saying egg. The chest has a hinge. And many lids. But no lock to hide what is hid. Don't like reptiles? Eyes have several lids? Oh, oh yeah! Is it a gecko?

No! But what you said is true. So it's a good fact about reptiles.

Does the answer have the word chest in it? Should we embed chest in something?

No. Okay. But you could embed the answer in your chest. Okay. If you threw it hard enough. What did you say? Is it a curse word?

No, is it a person? Is it a curse word? Can I swear?

Please, can I swear? The answer is a fuck. It's not a person, no. And you said they were Polish? This person is Polish, yeah. Matthew, that's probably not a Polish last name, so no.

Could you give us a hint that you think of right now?

Um, the chest has a hinge and many lids, but no lock to hide what is hid. Um, many lids?

It could have... Oh, it's a mall. It's one of those hat stores at the mall.

It could have, um, does it have a lot of eyes? And therefore many lids? Does it have a lot of eyes?

Depending on how you look at it, this could have thousands of eyes. Like a potato? No. It has many lids. I would say... A camera? No, not a camera.

What's the key word here? Like what word should we focus on?

I think you said lids, right? So it has a hinge and many lids. If you think of a lid as something that is like closing something in, what, why would something have, and when I said many lids, it could probably have hundreds of lids.

A hundred layer parfait.

I feel sick. No, it's not a parfait. The treasure can't be felt to the touch and you have to use your eye to get the value out of this. You can feel it, you can touch it, but you won't get the value.

To look at it is to get the true value.

Yes, if you're not using your eyes. Arby's?

Yeah.

It's RBs. Once you eat it, yeah. Once you order it, you order the beef and cheddar, you put it in your mouth, and you're like, this wasn't worth it. Glasses? No, but glasses would help you with this thing. Depending on your eyesight. Specifically if you're, what is it, nearsighted? Is that the one where you have trouble seeing things close to you? That's I think when you can. That's farsighted.

Oh, is it a book? It's a book! It's a book.

Yeah. I really like this one.

Many eyes. Oh, hey you jerk.

What are all the lids? So the lids are like the back and front cover? No, the lids are the pages. It has a hinge and many lids because each one that opens up opens up more information inside of it.

Honestly, congratulations Erin, but I don't know if I think a page is a lid. Leaves. You can get away with leaves. Yeah, I think it was leaves. Leaves. Don't ruin this for me.

Not to ream this guy, but... Break the rhyme, say hinge and many leaves. Alright, let's reread it with the hinge and many leaves and then rhyme it the rest of the way out.

The chest is a hinge in many leaves, but no lock to hide what is Christopher Reeves. Yes. There we go. See, I would have gotten it right away. Yes, the answer is a book. Okay, this is the next one, also from Matt, Matthew. Suzy sits down to take an exam. Suzy realizes that the best way to pass is to make sure her teacher sees her looking at the person next to her. What exam is Suzy taking? Nosiness.

Driver's exam.

Eye test. Yes, Erin, but why?

Susie's hits down to take an exam. Susie realizes that the best way to pass is to make sure her teacher sees her looking at the person next to her. What exam is Susie taking?

So it is driver's test? Yes.

Yeah, and she's like looking at the cars next to her.

Yes, thank you. That's all I was asking.

Oh, I could have done that. So it's her looking at the cars as they go by?

Yeah, the only way to pass is to make sure her teacher sees her looking at the person next to her. When you're driving a car, you're supposed to be looking at the people.

You think the way you drive a car is to look to your left out the window at the cars passing you by? Like, yeah, you have to have an awareness of the other cars on the road.

TJ, you are a driver's ed teacher, and JBC, you are just a shit kid who's so bad at driving, and your patience is running thin.

All right. Why don't we try it one more time? And when I say ease out, just, yeah. I mean, if you want a license, yeah, we got, we have to. Okay. All right, Ryan, now just ease out of the parking lot. Get out of the car?

You want me out of the car? Alright. How am I gonna pass the driver's test if I'm out of the car? Alright, Ryan. Guys, am I crazy here? Ryan. Sorry, I brought my boys with me. No, you're not crazy. This dude fucking sucks.

No, I'm not. This dude sucks!

No, I don't. What are you, like 31? Look at this fucking grandpa.

I'm 59, and here we go.

Okay, so I'm staying in the car.

I'm so sorry, sir. No, it's alright. 31, that's... Can I have a Werther's? Yeah, have as many as you want to. Where are you finding those? Yeah, you don't have to ask me. You can have as many as you want. At home, we ask. All right. I want you, Ryan, and the car to ease out of the parking lot. Where do I put it in? Okay, fuck this.

Ryan, do that thing where the car spins and spins.

Ryan, do you want a license? Do you want the freedom of having your own set of wheels and being able to drive whenever you want to? I think he's coming on to you. No, no, I'm not. I really don't. Oh shit, this is my moment.

Stop! Stop my boys. Can I be honest with you sir? Yeah. I have a personal driver because my dad invented Pizza Hut. And so, if I have to get my own car, then I have to drive myself. If I fail this driver's test, I can keep my personal driver for as long as I want. You're Ryan the Hut-Hut-Nansky? Yes sir, I'm a Hut-Nansky. Your dad's Paul the Hut-Hut-Nansky? Technically, he did change his name to Pizza Hut.

And I'm Colton Dominoes.

And my name's John John. Guess who my dad is? Your dad?

Papa John?

No. Long John Silver? Yeah. Carl Caesars. Hey Teej, real quick. It's good improv to deny a gift, right?

All of it.

I think I said no 40 times.

When you gave me that good gift and I said no, I'm not out of Caesars. Please do. I think I said nothing but no the whole time.

Kevin Sr. and Kevin Jr. are in the hospital with head injuries from a bar downtown.

The next day, the bar is torn down. What happened?

Um, they fought so hard they wrecked the place. That's a lyric, right? It's Thin Lizzy.

Yeah. You gotta fight so hard that you wreck the place to party.

Sure, we'll go with that answer. Was it like, just like a rebar or like a bar, not a bar drinking establishment, but just like some sort of metal bar that was sticking out?

The bar is a literal metal bar that both Kevins bumped into and so was taken down to prevent further injuries. All right. Matthew says, keep up the great work. I'll also keep you updated or posted on any workplace disputes. Oh, that's a bit that we haven't revisited many a week.

I was going to say the bar was the set of cheers and it was the end of the series.

JPC, of course, our listeners, know that anytime you send in your own riddle that rhymes, we will give you a thank you that rhymes. So let's go ahead and do that.

And that will come from Adal this time?

Yes, it will. It's Adal's turn. Matt, we want to thank you for writing in. We hope that you didn't use a pen. Of course we solved without fail. Thank you, motherfucker for that email.

A-A-B-B rhyme is fine, right?

Yeah, that's fine with me.

And just in the future, if he does write any more, he should just cut the shit with the Polish stuff. With that in mind, I think we should all return to one of my favorite segments on the podcast, which is where we take a break.

We'll be right back.

JPC, did you hear about Erin?

Oh, you know what? I feel like I got a text and I like skimmed it.

Yeah.

Well, you can read it right now.

It's kind of a mix-up.

Hey guys, Erin here. I went to get my hair dyed. Oh, interesting. She spelled it D-I-E-D. And they killed my hair, and so now I'm at my hair's funeral. We'll be here all day. Seems like a lie, right? That's gotta be a lie.

You know, your schedule fills up pretty fast with hair funerals, etc. It kind of gets to be non-stop. That's where Tempo keeps you on track with real meals. You can heat up in two minutes, so you don't have to default to snacks or takeout or, you know, go into a fine dining reception for your hair's funeral.

I think the folks at Tempo couldn't be any more pleased with the segue that we delivered for this ad. Much like how Tempo delivers fresh, chef-crafted, dietician-approved meals right to your door, it's making it easy to eat well and save time on my busiest days, like days where I have got back-to-back hair funerals to go to, you know?

Wait, back hair funerals?

Back-to-back hair funerals. That's when two back hairs get tangled up together and you have to go to one funeral and it's obviously closed. Sure.

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Have you talked to fiber rich in a while? I do, yeah, and it's not been going well for hippies if I report now.

Oh, that's a bummer. For a limited time, Tempo is offering our listeners 60% off your first box. Go to Tempomeals.com slash Riddle. That's Tempomeals.com slash Riddle for 60% off your first box. Tempomeals.com slash Riddle. Rules and restrictions may apply.

And if you see Erin out in the wild, wish her condolences on the death of her hair.

Whoa, who's that new hunk? He's dressed so well. Whoa, look at him. He is dressed so well.

You guys, you're looking in a mirror.

Oh, I thought that was like Vince Quince or something. Yeah, that's us. We look amazing. I thought that was like Quince Diesel or something. We look like that?

Yes, it's because you are wearing your new quince high-quality wardrobe staples. Look at you, Adalyn, your 100% Mongolian cashmere sweater. And JPC, you look incredible in this button-down, if I do say so myself.

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Also, everything at Quince is priced 50-80% less than similar brands, and they work directly with ethical factories and cut out the middlemen, so you're paying for high quality, not brand markup. And Erin, you're doing the splits!

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Did someone say Vince Quince?

Whoa! Yeah, like five minutes ago.

Yeah, like a long time ago.

Find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go to quince.com slash riddle. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. That's q-u-i-n-c-e dot com slash riddle. Vince Quince out! Bye Vince Quince! Did somebody say Quince Diesel? No. No. Come on, man.

You don't know what you've got until it's gone. You guys.

Yeah?

I legitimately had terrible sleep last night. I'm staying in an Airbnb while the AC gets fixed in my place. And guess what? I miss my bed. I miss my Helix mattress. I have a Midnight Luxe. And guess what? I couldn't bring it to the Airbnb with me. I wish I had appreciated it more. I wish I had told it. I wish I had told my mattress.

Did someone say miss my mattress? It's me, the Helix Sleep mascot, Sympathy Steve!

Oh, hey, Sympathy Steve. Did you win Miss My Mattress, the competition?

Isn't he mattress? I did! Sympathy Steve! And while I can't, and while I can't give you a Helix mattress because, you know, that'd be insane if I was just a guy who gave out Helix mattresses, I can say, it sucks what you're going through.

Yeah, it does suck. Helix is the best. They deliver your mattress right to your door with free shipping in the U.S. You get a 120-night sleep trial and limited lifetime warranty. So what's the risk? And they also have the Happy with Helix guarantee. Rest easy with seamless returns and exchanges.

Whoa, Sympathy Steve, you have a tattoo on your leg. It says, Helix is the most awarded mattress brand, tested and reviewed by experts like Forbes and Wired. And I won't tell you what that's covering up.

It was worse. But what I will tell you to do is go to helixsleep.com slash riddle for the Labor Day best of web sale that's running now until September 13th It's 27% off site-wide and that is exclusive for listeners of Hey Riddle Riddle. That's HelixSleep.com slash riddle for the Labor Day Best of web sale. HelixSleep.com slash riddle. I can't empathize with you, but I can sympathize with you.

Did someone say empathy? It's me, Empathy Ed. Hey man.

They're brothers!

No, we're not.

Hey Steve. We're simply not. We're exes.

We don't have time for the lore of this, unfortunately.

And we're back with more Riddies and Puzzies and Kevins and Suzies. JPC, what do we got for our next riddle? This one's coming in from Colton.

Colton writes, you can see me... Is it Colton Domino's?

Because I just used that name.

Is it Colton Cabana? Yeah, I guess we can introduce a segment where we just guess the person's last name. That I know, but I'm not reading. If you want me to read your last name, please include it in the signature. You can see me, you can feel me, but if you touch me, you will die. You can see me, you can feel me, touch me, you die. JBC Asteroid Yeah, you touch me, I will kill you. You touch me with your finger, you lose your finger.

I'll sue your ass to death in court!

I tried to, when I was working at Second City, Dorf and I tried this scene that started with like, you know, F you, F you, F you, suck my dick. Oh, yeah, you don't think I will? Yeah, do it! You're like, oh, right, you don't think I'll suck your dick? He's like, yeah, I'll suck my dick. And then we did a really realistic blowjob. There was a small list backstage of stuff that people said like during that because the whole show you know the show was kind of tough but there were some nice scenes and so people kind of liked us and then this happened and so it was like Oh no, please stop. Like, why are you doing this? Older ladies are like, I like these guys and now they're doing this! Except for they were all sex.

What happened? They were wrong. Yeah.

Was this a mainstage show or ETC? It was an attempt at a mainstage scene, yeah. How long did it run? Once!

How long did it run? Once in about eight minutes.

I think we did it like three or four times in the set and then we might have tried it once in the show and then it vanished forever. When was the light pole? At what point? Oh, well after Dorf came. And then there was a minute of silence, because it was me with my back to the stage, so all you saw were his hands gripping my shoulders, he leaned over to the side and collapsed over me, and then there was a good minute of silence where we just dealt with what the hell our anger had led us to do. It was basically because those frat guys used to come in and say shit. Oh yeah, when you asked for suggestions or something? Yeah, or just say shit like, You know, like, yeah, fuck you, dude. And then it was like that bullshit posturing and shit like that. And so we just wanted to see, like, if this male aggression was taken out to this end of, like, calling a bluff, you know, to see what would happen, like, to what your anger could lead you, like, your, yeah, your false or whatever, you know, bullshit anger could lead you to. So we just dealt with it for, like, a minute. And then I don't even remember what the out was. It might have just been a slow fade on us. Or, you know, I think we ramped up the fight again.

We all do world news now and it's like it doesn't happen as much but in the second half of world news we'll be like we're gonna solve your problems what are ask us a question about a problem in your life

And we'll get people every once in a while, it used to happen more often, where instead of saying a question, they'll just be like, uh, a guy in a dildo! Like, they'll call for, like, scenes, like they want a specific scenario, and they're expecting a laugh, because they're like, this is improv, that's where I shout out shit.

But all the time, it's just... Yeah, I mean, I'm always expecting to laugh. When I don't get it, I'm crushed. TJ, you were right, it is the sun. Is it? Yeah. Oh, nice. But if you touch me, you'll die. You can touch the sun, right? No. Okay. I think we've done I think we've done this one before but it's a part of three questions in an email what gets bigger the more you take away from it a hole a hole and then this one what goes up and never comes down that deer that jumps

For those who can't see, TJ took his MAGA hat off and whisked it into the air. Whipped it around!

And it froze like Mary Tyler Moore. We're gonna make it undertrust. We're gonna MAGA after all. Yeah, it's the stock market. No, the stock market occasionally does go down. Oh, really? Yeah, that's a bummer. What?

Is it my confidence? My money.

What goes up, it never goes down. Erin, you know that's not true.

Oh, I? Well, how dare you?

Ear confidence flatlined years ago.

What goes up and never comes down?

That's the only clue. That's the only clue that you get. What goes up and never comes down? Oh, it's got to be... Temperature, that's really great. No, temperature goes back down. Oh, it's got to be age or time.

Yes, it is age. I guess up is a subjective way to look at that. Pixar. I feel like I'm 30 years young. Can you lift me?

Mork from Ork. That's true. Mm-hmm. Benjamin Button. Did he get younger? They aged backwards in Ork, I think. Cuz I think, wasn't Jonathan Winters his son? And Jonathan Winters, like, started, I think so.

Yeah, yes.

And Jonathan Winters started at like 70, or maybe he wasn't that old, but started at 60 and was aging. He would age younger.

There was maybe, post-college, maybe like age 25, I found, Erin, you're like 25, right? No. I feel like I tapped into a vein. Erin told you her birthday with the year today, maybe hours ago. What am I, a fucking memory doctor? But I tapped into a vein of like, through whatever influences, peer influences, I tapped into a vein of like watching old Jonathan Winters videos, which if you haven't seen him improvising, it's like the most genius.

I like him better than Rob Williams. It's way less manic. I like him better than you.

I'd watch Winters and then who's the guy you might know his name it's a guy who used to pretend to be drunk at like the Dean Martin roasts oh yeah Forrest but he would do he would like roast somebody. Forrest Whitaker? No. But it's a guy who would pretend to be drunk at like the Dean Martin roasts and it was it's the funniest fucking thing you've ever seen

Yeah. Man, there's something foresty about his name. He usually had the beard and stuff, like cartoon hiccups, almost like bubbles coming out. I've watched that before.

He's the funniest. Speaking of the funniest, this riddle comes to us from Allie. Allie writes, what has four letters, never has five letters, but sometimes has nine letters?

What has four letters?

What has four letters? Never has five letters, but sometimes has nine letters. This one is a thinker. Never has five letters. Ali does include a clue, but I'm not gonna give you the clue because I think the clue just gives it away.

Is it like 4 and 14 or something? It's 4 and 14. I didn't do the math on that.

No, it's not. You do the math. I'm doing the Alfredo Olive Garden 2006. No, it's not 14. It's not 4 and 14. So it has to be... I mean, it can't be the same word. Allie also says, love the podcast so far. This is from August 6th. You guys crack me up.

I want to call a scene right now. Okay. And so this is a terrible, terrible idea for a scene, but I'm gonna basically be like Pat Zajac, but we'll call it like Wheel of Guesswords, so that I'm not really Pat Zajac. And you guys are all contestants, and all I want you to do is roll the wheel, spin the wheel, ask for a letter, and then try and guess the puzzle. Okay. All right, Mark, you're up.

Cleveland is where I'm from.

We're gonna stop real quick and just let the contestants know that please do not call the host Pat, you do have to call him Matt, and his last name is BoJack.

I'm sorry, Matt. I'd like to spin again. Yeah, do you want to take it? Oh, there's two fours? Yep. Four fast, four furious. Sorry. No, dang it. Okay. All right, Carol. Thanks for playing.

Hi, I'm Carol. I have three kids and I want to see a three.

Let's see. There is a three!

Okay, uh, uh, four, four, four hundred and forty-three.

Great guess.

No.

Oh, so close. So close, so close. Big money, big money. Okay, I'm from Cleveland. I want to let you know I am the first guy's brother. Here we go. Let me see. The first guy.

Zero.

Let's see if we have any zeros. Three zeros. What's that Billy Joel album? 43-4-0-0 Ocean Drive?

Wow, great guess. No! I'd like to solve the puzzle. Go ahead.

How rich do you think she is? I literally looked this up two days ago. Why? What? Because Jeopardy is now on Netflix, and so I watched all these episodes of Jeopardy, and I'm like, Alex Trebek's been doing this for 35 years or something? I'm like, he's gotta be worth like a billion dollars. So I looked up how much Alex Trebek is worth. He's worth $50 million, and he makes $10 million a year, which doesn't add up. Wow, what's he blowing it on? I don't know.

My name's Alex Trebek and I crash airplanes into each other That's my fun afternoon.

Of course the planes each cost about 150 grand, but then I had to pay the families of the pilots He's constantly like Brewster's million in his life like I buy stamps and feed them to pigs and then I eat the pigs Pay the cups to play me in a game of baseball.

I paid a linebacker $450,000 to beat the shit out of me

Hey Riddle To describe someone as pitiless is such a terrible thing. Honestly, I don't want to say this. It's rude, but she lives in a van.

Like many women, she gets paid in dresses.

When you said I'm overhearing a dress, I thought you were saying I'm overhearing a dress. Like a dress is having a conversation.

Erin, the lead actress in 27 Dresses, do you know when she got paid?

27 dresses?

One dress.

Oh no! See, I bet if a man made that, played that part, he'd make 27 dresses.

Yeah, who was the romantic co-star in 27 dresses?

James Marsden, and I know that and I'm embarrassed.

Yeah, I think Marsden made like 40 dresses in that movie.

Holy crap. Yeah. Well, he was super dreamy. Don't mind if I do.

Don't mind if I do. Is that a romantic comedy? Erin.

I just looked at TJ as if he was gonna write it.

TJ's like, I'm not writing that fucking thing. I want to see a scene. I want to see a scene. This is going to be the two Bostonians. That's, I guess, not correct. What do you call somebody from... Masshole. Hold Yoker? What would you call from Massachusetts in general? Masshole. Masshole? No, that's derogatory.

Wow, Adal, wow! Polish?

Did you hear what he said? I mostly just hear New Englander.

Okay, so you're two New Englanders. Pat's family. And so you're, please, as much or as little accent as you want to give. And the two of you are trying to spitball. You went to a pitch session at HBO for, what was it?

Don't mind if I do.

Don't mind if I do. So you went in for something else, HBO hated it, but they said, we are trying to play with this property, don't mind if I do. The property, of course, just being the name. So the two of you have five minutes to come up with a pitch for HBO.

Alright, if Affleck and Damon can do this shit.

We got it.

We got this.

Alright, a zoo.

A zoo?

What?

A zoo? Fuck you, dude. Is it animals?

I didn't say zoo.

Fuck off. What did you say?

You said zoo.

Oh, we're turning on each other.

Alright, hot air balloon. Freaking hot air balloon. Movie Crescendos and a hot air balloon.

Okay, alright. Movie Crescendos and a hot air balloon. Yeah, like that- the fuckin' climax! You know what's hot right now? Homosexuality. Donnie, don't do this.

It is hot.

Donnie, if you're gay, then you're gay. You just need to tell me.

You can't just keep telling me that homosexuality is hot.

I'm not even talking about me. I'm just saying it's hot right now.

It's bankable. It's box office bank.

You're so in the closet right now, it's hurting me. Come on! Don't tell me that it's a fad. Don't tell me that it's cool. I love you. You're like my brother. If you're gay, then you're gay.

Okay, I'm sorry, we're gonna stop you right there. So far the pitch is two homosexual balloons. Yeah.

One would have preferred you left the room, but since we heard it, we love it. We love it.

We walked back in here accidentally while we were brainstorming.

We slipped.

We were brainstorming. We gotta walk and walk while we're brainstorming.

Do you know what the H in HBO stands for?

Hello?

Why don't we leave it at that?

Do you guys have an answer to this riddle? Four, never five, sometimes nine. What has four letters, never has five letters, but sometimes has nine letters?

Can you give us the smallest, just a touch of saffron of a hint?

No, but I will give you a big hint. Are they letters of the alphabet? The clue is this. This is not a question. This riddle is a statement.

Sometimes. Some and sometimes. Hmm?

Wait. No. What has four letters, never has five letters, but sometimes has nine letters? Who sent this in? It just says your ass. It just says it was sent, signed, sealed, delivered to your ass. This is from Allie. Allie? Allie, thank you so much, Allie.

I'll let you know, you are now my sworn enemy.

You fucking roasted Adal.

I will, until the day I die, I will track you down. There is not a town in the world you can hide from me from.

Holy oak, it's beautiful.

Our town has tons of alleys.

Yeah, don't hide in New York. This one's from Bob from Boston. Isn't that fun? Bob says, I love this freaking podcast. I've hoped for a Riddle Fiend podcast forever, but figured that if it ever did happen, it would inevitably be made by lame people, the target audience for riddles. Classic roast, classic Boston roast.

But this starts with,

Agnes is on trial for murdering her sister's husband. The judge is convinced that Agnes is guilty and should be punished for her crime, but he decides that it would be unfair to send her to prison. She's about to die. She's about to die. Terminally ill. The judge is about to kill her. He's like, I can't send you to prison. She's a horse. Yes, Erin, thank you. Explain.

Okay. Let's see.

That did happen, though. Yeah, dead stop.

In like the 1600s, there was like a pig who killed somebody, and they put it on trial, found it guilty, and then were like,

So Agnes is on trial for murdering her sister's husband. So she's on trial for killing another horse.

Oh, back then you could marry a horse or pig.

Okay, Erin, we're gonna see a quick scene. TJ, you're gonna play the judge. Adal, you are going to play the defense attorney. You're defending Erin. Erin is a talking horse on trial for killing a man that she catfished into marrying her. And I'll just be the bailiff.

Counselor, I'll briefly entertain your motion and then we'll continue onwards. Your Honor, my client is a horse.

Are you making fun of me? No, no, sir. Your Honor, if this man is making fun of you, the bailiff will surely take care of him.

Your Honor, my client ...accidentally hurt someone. Now, is my client sorry? Nay. My client is very sorry. But hey is for horses. And by hey I mean... habeas corpus. Excuse me? Habeas corpus.

I was helping you.

Give me back my index cards. You dropped all the flow. Habeas corpus is for horses. Say that ten times fast. I don't have to.

Now, Judge! You can't make me do stuff, I make you do stuff! Turn about is fair play, Judge. You make him say all this, you should have to say something he said.

I'll do it like three times. Habeas corpus is for horses. Habeas corpus is for horses. Habeas corpus is for horses.

God, I love you, Judge! Judge, reigned it in. But, Your Honor, this horse is a breeding horse. So, this horse lives a life of frivolity and sexual behavior.

Excuse me. Can I speak for myself? Yeah, I told you not to but I live a life of frivolity and sexual behavior. Thank you. If I'm a horse that could speak at least let me speak. God damn it. If I turn into glue, I swear to God, I will eat your face.

You turn into glue, you may not eat my face. Judge, please.

Ma'am, you are entitled, if you care to, to represent yourself, if you would want to.

I would just like to get a new lawyer, one who doesn't... A new lawyer? One who isn't pun-based.

This one does feel a little bit lousy with puns.

Your Honor, the horse is also the mayor. Holds no official title, but it's the mayor.

This is what I mean, a pun-based lawyer. Your Honor, this whole case stinks of full play.

Does anyone have any more or can we continue?

If you want to represent yourself, you'll be in shit land.

I'm still listening. I'm sure you have more up your sleeve.

Would the court stenographer just read back all the non-pun stuff that has been said during the last few minutes?

It's mostly just the's and and's.

The female stenographer needs to gallop. Agnes is on trial for murdering her sister's husband.

The judge is convinced that Agnes is guilty and should be punished for her crime. But he decides that it would be unfair to send her to prison. Why?

I have some clues for you.

Is the prison part what would be unfair?

Yes.

That it would not be unfair to punish Agnes in some other way?

Correct, but it would be unfair to send Agnes to prison.

Is it because everybody hated the guy who died?

No, that doesn't have anything to do with it. And Agnes did commit the crime.

Because he worked at the prison.

Yeah, so you can't go to her's work.

He didn't want to hurt his friend's feelings.

What a big loophole. If you kill a prison guard, you can't go to that prison.

Yeah, because it's too traumatizing for them.

It is the perfect crime.

Oh, I know, I know. Oh, Adal knows!

Happy day!

And it harkens back to a joke I made previously. It does. Which is, her and her sister are conjoined twins.

Yes!

It does!

You made that joke at the beginning of the episode and I was like, I think that this is a great one to end on. Because yes, Agnes and her sister are conjoined twins. It would be unfair to send her to prison because then her sister would also be going to prison.

And GPC, can you say the correct answer again but say twins correctly?

Yes, it would be unfair because Agnes and her sister are ant twins! Ant conjoined twins! Here's to love songs! Here's to love songs!

What is the story behind this? Why is she killing him? And why didn't the sister, the sister should go to jail too because couldn't she have stopped her?

I want to see, this will be our final scene before we wrap up the episode. I want to see a final scene. Let's have JPC and Erin are going to be conjoined twins. TJ is going to be the spouse of one of these twins. We'll find out who. And this is moments leading up to the murder.

And you know what, Vivian? If I want to take a couple of my hard earned bucks and make a couple of sports bets, then I'll be goddamned if I can't drop 50 on the Pacers. Oh, fuck you.

Oh, God.

Oh, you know what?

You know what you could do with that money? I don't know, feed our kids? Buy me something every once in a while? Clean your shirt.

You know what I did with some of my sweet-ass winnings? Bought your sister a little repair kit for her Walkman.

Oh, God.

She just keeps playing the same part of the song over and over.

It's like she doesn't know the rest of the song.

I swear to God she sings it better than Dido.

Oh, no. No one sings it better than Dido. How dare you go after Dido like that? How could you?

You know what?

You know what?

I'm out of here. No, you can't go nowhere!

I'm leaving right now. Bye-bye!

Hey! My sewing knives! Oh, my ribs! Oh, I got that right in my ribs!

Like a mermaid? Like a mermaid who's been hooked?

Like a trawler. It's right in between the two.

We cut to CBS. What seems to be your problem, sir?

Jesus Christ, you got anything other than Band-Aids and playing cards around here? Seasonal candy?

Yeah, all they have is Band-Aids, playing cards, and seasonal candy. That's our slogan. Thanks again, Bob from Boston, for sending in that riddle to us. And that brings us to the end of today's episode. TJ, thank you so much. Yeah, thank you so much. Thank you for letting me hang out with you guys. It was my pleasure. Thank you. Do you have anything in particular that you would like to plug?

Uh, no. Oh, hey if this does come out in April, we might be doing a show called Trios at I.O. where it's a trio of scenic improvisers and a trio of musical improvisers. Julie Nichols usually on piano, Brother John on bass, and we'll have a horn player more than likely on either trumpet or saxophone. And we're just trying to mess around with the ways that we could have a conversation back and forth between a trio of scenic improvisers and a trio of musical improvisers. That's awesome. Yeah, I like it. It's really good. And even if the improvisation, the scenic improvisation is terrible, then the music is really fun. And it's as enjoyable to watch musicians improvise and come together and find their own rhythm as it is to watch that happen with scenic improvisers.

Do you know any of the improvisers?

Oh yes, I'm sorry. It's Billy Bungaroth, Emma Pope, and myself. That's wonderful.

And it's called Trios? Yep. And so people can probably go to the IOW Chicago's website if you are interested and look at like the dates that that is possibly out.

It'll run through once a week through April and then the first two weeks of May.

And if I may say, a lot of our listeners are curious about improv in terms of getting into it. And I read your, you wrote a book on improv. Dave and I did, yeah. Improvising at the Speed of Life.

Improvisation at the Speed of Life, the TJ and Dave book, I believe.

Yeah, so check that out if you're interested in doing improv. That's an incredible book to start with. Thanks man. Yeah, absolutely. Or if you're interested in reading books. Yeah, absolutely. Either one of those things. I do want to mention that we do have a we have our second ever live show coming up. We'll be coming to LA I guess it's Hollywood, California proper. We'll be coming to the Hollywood Improv. This is gonna be Sunday, May 12th, which I believe is Mother's Day. It is Mother's Day. So grab your mommies. It's technically Mother's Day. It's Mother's Night. Oh yeah, come celebrate Mother's Night. Because it's Mother's Night! Congrats you guys, that's great. But we'll be there May 12th in L.A. at 7.30 p.m. at the Hollywood Improv. So buy your tickets now. You can grab those on TicketWeb.com and we hope to see you there. So please check that out. We also have new merch at our merch store. You can go to Teepublic to check that out. Some new items by Ray Glass and Emily Cardamas. So check that out. Please leave us some reviews or ratings on iTunes. Check out our Patreon. And I also, I don't think we ever mentioned it, but somebody got a Hey Riddle Riddle tattoo. And we definitely want to encourage that.

Yeah, it's not like the logo, it's like... It's Canoe Dog. They got a Canoe Dog tattoo, yes.

So if you, which was incredible, so if you get a Hey Riddle Riddle tattoo, one, we're so sorry.

We'll be so weirded out by that.

Please email it to us so we can give you a shout out. Erin, anything to plug?

Just follow me on Instagram at Erin Keif 10 and I'll plug my shows there.

Yeah, and you can follow me at Twitter JPsofly or Instagram at sharkbarkman I will be posting pictures of my dog spaghetti until one or both of us are dead And Erin that horse you played earlier in court, of course that horse's name was Jupiter.

Bye forever

That was a Hate Gum podcast.