Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

0-1-0-0-1-1. It's Bleep Riddle Riddle. I'm Puzzbot. Duhhhh. What the fuck?

I mean, I mean, no, what you did is good.

Pussbot is a shame. Pussbot did something wrong.

No, pussbot. Are you saying pussbot?

No.

Pussbot. Okay, pussbot.

I'm hearing pussbot. I am a pussbot, meaning I'm a bot program to solve puzzles, but I'm also full of open source. So I am a pussbot. Speaking of open source, I gross you out.

I'm JPC.

And speaking of I gross you out, I'm Erin Keif.

And welcome to Hey Riddle Riddle. Now, Adal.

No, Adal, are you a robot the whole episode or is it just the beginning?

Who is Adal? Okay, good.

Okay, we'll tell you.

Adal is... Oh, yeah. Why did you create me only to shame me? Adal is a man.

That's what Adal screams at God every night.

Late 50s?

That doesn't sound right.

You don't know him. Early 16, he like, what are some things? He always is like, I'm going hiking, I'm going hiking.

What an outdoorsman. Does he have interests?

Oh I don't know, maybe not, probably not.

You should know your co-host better.

Okay, okay, here's the thing. He claims to have thousands of books, although I've been in his apartment and it's one open trashcan fire. No ventilation, it's full of smoke.

I hear that brings out the best flavor in books.

All right, Pussbot. And he's like, I know a pun. And everyone's like, sorry, what'd you say? And he goes, I know a pun. And then he says a pun.

The default reaction to something that Adal says is a deep groan. And it's a groan that comes from the base of your balls and the core of your soul. It hurts you.

You would love him, Pussbot.

You would love him, Pussbot.

Pussbot, you especially would love him.

Wait a second, wait a second, Buzzbot. Yes. Hold on, hold on. What's this cardboard tape on the back of you rip? Oh.

You see my insides.

And it's flannel in a hat.

It's flannel in a hat. Too flat, so sad.

Adal, we're really sorry we fucked with your Buzzbot bit. Yeah. I liked it.

Oh, did you?

I didn't go that well. Did we fuck with it?

I mean, you were pretty mean to Adal, which is me.

But you weren't here.

No, I was inside the cardboard suit. Did you miss the part that we unveiled that Adal was? South Park. Just another classic South Park ripoff for the old clue crew.

Did your hat just say Star Wars, JPC?

My hat does say Star Wars, JPC.

Pretty straightforward.

Very cool.

Where'd you get that? Disneyland. Disneyland Land? Which one is in LA?

Disneyland.

Disneyland. I got it at Disneyland.

Oh, you got to go to Disneyland?

Yeah, I went with my buddy Alex and his infant son and it was fun to go to. It was my first time in Disney and I went with a two-year-old. Your friend has an impotent son. Yeah, his son can't fuck. How old is he?

What ride did you go on with him?

I think I went on like every ride because we went kind of like off-season and I think this one was I got it because I there's like a Star Wars theme. It used to be Space Mountain.

No, no, no, no.

Yeah, Space Mountain is now something else, but there's a Star Wars. Oh, yes, it's a I don't know. It's a Star Wars ride and then they have a Star Wars gift shop and I'm like, yeah, hell yeah.

That should be the new tagline for any Star Wars that come out. It should be it's a Star Wars.

Oh, yeah, I'll get I'll go to that movie. Hell yeah.

I guess Disneyland is not the right one to go to. You should go to Disney World. That's like the bigger one, the one in Florida. I'm not into amusement parks at all, and I was like, oh, this is fun.

I went to Disneyland as a kid, and the best thing about it that I recall was Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. Yeah, that was fun. Is it still there? Yeah, yeah. That's the best ride I've ever been on. It's great, and it's... It's the only time when I was a kid that I thought magic was real. Really?

Oh, you know it?

The only time.

It is fun.

I saw a magician die.

So yeah, that messed me up.

Avenge me. Oh yeah, and that's how I became the magician. That's how I became Thor.

Wait a minute, hold on.

Amusement parks are just like long lines and like you just wait in lines. If you go to Disneyland... Is this your type 5?

Your stand-up is so awesome.

Amusement Park is just long lines. It's a Star Wars.

My type of life is a stand-up bit. Instead of a tag line, it should be your stand-up catchphrase.

It's a Star Wars. It's a Star Wars. But when you go on an off-season, you still wait in long lines, but everyone's like, aren't these lines great? And it's like, no, we've been in this line for 40 minutes. And they're like, yeah, usually you're here for four hours to go on a 10-minute ride. If that, like a two-minute ride. I don't know. It's not for me. Do you at least catch some rays? Oh yeah, Sugar Ray was playing, and I got up on stage with Mark McGrath. He dry-helmed me. Classic McGrath, by the way. I saw John Legend at Ribfest in Indianapolis in like 2004 or something like that. He was playing Ribfest, so you know John Legend was doing it big. But I have never seen a man fuck Hey Riddle. I was like eating ribs and I was like, or not eating ribs, I was there. At this point I believe I was a vegetarian. Uh, experiencing rib fest and being like... Is that what caused you to become a vegetarian?

Seeing John Legend fuck?

I had a mouthful of pork and I saw John Legend fuck somebody through his jeans and I was like, never again. So you're giving a blowjob?

Yes! Alright, y'all ready for a quiz?

Oh, someone old man puzzles and didn't announce themselves?

Excuse me? That breaks the format of the show.

Someone old man puzzles.

Someone is Puzzbot.

Oh, there we go. It's Puzzbot. Puzzbot. I got it. Puzzbot.

Fox doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo.

Puzzbot.

Fox doo doo doo doo doo doo. Puzzbot. Fox doo doo doo doo doo. Puzzbot. Fox doo doo doo doo doo.

And John Legend Fox. My nephew would love that song. I gotta ask, I gotta ask, what's going on with Buzzbot?

I gotta ask something. Did John Legend Fox or did he just give him the ribbed tip?

He was, he was, he was... Grown inducing. Grown inducing. He was dry humping people pretty, pretty hard. And people were very much into it. What was your question? The Buzzbot. Is Buzzbot a theme for today's episode? Is there something behind Buzzbot?

Listen, I am tasked with opening every episode and I thought to give a little pizazz, thought to try something new, thought to mix it up, have some fun, because you know I just came back from this huge hiking trip and physically I'm tired and mentally I am as well.

Well I guess the important thing is we've all learned what happens when you fucking try to do some bush league.

I'm so happy I'm not in charge of opening episodes. I have no ideas ever about anything ever.

Yeah, you should see Erin on Christmas morning. She can't open shit. Erin, this is just... Help!

Help!

I think it's a dog!

Come quick! I mean, that's on whoever gifted that dog. That's not on you. Also, if it's a dog, I'm coming quick.

JPC is a hero of mine.

I am ready for some stuff.

I tried to have a friend of mine, by the way, listen to Baby Shark. Again, my friend Alex, who has a two-year-old son. The impotent son.

Two years old, he shouldn't be.

Well, no, I told Emily, his wife, I was like, you should let your son listen to Baby Shark because my nephew loves it. And I played her maybe four seconds of it, and she goes, no, turn it off. But I was like, that's a smart call.

That's all here for a year. So I thought what to do for this episode is something Erin has done a little bit of in the past.

Sleep on mic.

What's going on?

Oh yeah, I sleep on my friend Mike sometimes. He's a really welcoming energy. He smells like pine. I sleep on my friend Mike.

Sleeping on sounds like like slang that's been translated from like another country.

Were you sleeping on Mike? It sounds like she didn't date him and therefore missed out on a really good opportunity.

Like when you sleep on a movie.

Oh, he slept on Mike. Did you see that article in Goop? So what we're going to do is this is, I don't want to say this is straight up only connect, but this is a similar thing where it's going to be four different little questions. There's going to be an answer for each question and then there's going to be sort of an ultimate macro answer for how they all four connect.

Can I propose something? Go ahead. No, please. She's done a warning. Can I propose something to you?

Here comes Adal. You've been waiting for this your whole episode.

Adal, it will spill you.

Punch Jake will see the face on my behalf. Your arms are stronger than mine? That would make me the happiest man on this podcast. And my face will bleed all the time.

He was singing!

I'm gonna tell you what I was told on the set of Glee, you never punch someone when they're singing.

Half that cast is dead. I should have said how about a nice Hawaiian punch vis-a-vis the commercial, which you're both too young to remember. No, I remember that. Oh, this reminds me of Somebody, many people corrected me on social media. I said that the McDonald's commercial with the half crescent moon, with the crescent moon, not the half crescent moon, was called Mac the Night. The real name of that character was Mac Tonight. So like you're getting a big Mac Tonight?

Oh, I was asking what the hook was for that and that makes way more sense.

Well the song is Mac the Knife, but the character is Mac Tonight. So if we were going to be, it sounds like we're going to be doing some upcoming live episodes, some live shows, if you are upset by me saying Mac the Night, we can do a Scarlet Letter situation, and if you bring a red McDonald's arches, I will wear it for the episode. What is that as an article of clothing? A little patch. A little pen.

Great.

A piece of paper.

If you break an iron-on patch, Adal will iron it under the clothes he's wearing.

Either a scarlet, a McDonald's arches, or a yellow. Could be classic.

Yeah, classic. And if you really want to teach me a lesson at these live shows... Pay for community college. Buy me Skittles in bulk. I'll be so disappointed in myself. I'll really feel shame and I definitely won't eat them on my bed later that night.

The next live show we do, we're going to be answering a riddle and a box of Skittles, like a Sam's Club size box of Skittles that's just going to whack you in the face. Like a 32 count box of Skittles.

Is that what you want? The thing I wanted to propose to you that wasn't marriage is because I think some of these you can get pretty quickly. What if this is a good old fashioned competition between Erin Keif and John Patrick Coan?

I would love nothing more.

Okay, and we're gonna play for pinks. Ownership papers.

What is that?

What is this, grease? We're gonna play for pinks.

Ownership papers.

Pink's!

I don't know what that is.

Pink's lips! In olden days, when I was an adult, when Danny Zuko raced against Sandy? Sandy? Kaneki? Kaneki Zuko. They raced for Pink's. Pink's lip is what you get when you are fired from a job in olden days, or what your car is. Your car contract. You know when you buy a contract with your car?

So Erin, what do you have of anything of value in this world?

Confidence.

You're competence?

Confidence.

You have confidence?

Oh, I guess not anymore. Let's see, what do I have that JPC wants?

Just incredulously be saying, you have confidence?

Okay. That was enough to wipe me out. Let's see. Let's pay for if the other one wants to go to Harry Potter World.

Okay.

Or no, something that maybe is not as violent.

You will buy, the winner will receive a butterbeer, hot or cold, from the loser. Okay. And homemade or store bought.

I want you to make it in your bathtub.

I will make you bathtub butterbeer if you beat me. Put in some Werther's Original, some Mr. Pibb, and some Clorox.

Honestly, hold on. One of those things doesn't make sense. I'm not sure which, but Werther's Original. Definitely.

And if I beat you, I get one can. You pick the can of your piss.

Okay fine.

Good.

Fine. Well, there's a lot of cans I have in my pens in the art department, so this is actually pretty high stakes.

And when we're at Harry Potter World, what's it called? Wizarding World? Wizarding World? Come free to buy us a butterbeer. Here we go.

Yes.

First one.

Okay.

All right. What would you call a tire with no air in it other than annoying?

Flat.

Wait, wait, wait. I thought we were writing these down.

You're right. We are. I messed up. I'm a failure.

Wait, are we writing these down or are we saying these out loud? I don't know. What's fun for you? Well, I think that fun for the audience is whoever says it first.

Great, then Erin's winning. What is the drum section of an orchestra called? Drums. The drum line. With Nick Cannon.

Okay, keep going.

When you need someone to be on time, you would tell them to be there at eight p- at eight blank. Doesn't have to be PM, but it could be. It could be. When you need someone to be there on time, you would tell them to be there at eight blank. Sharp.

Hey.

It's an audio podcast. You writing things down is not interesting to listen to.

I'm gonna get the thing they connect to, right?

Complete the name of the area of the highway where the drivers take a break. A blank stop. And here's what we'll say. Whoever yells out musical themes. I'm going to give that to Erin. I said it first! No, it doesn't matter. So whoever... The stakes. The stakes. Well, I'm sorry. Finish your thought, Adal. So whoever yells out the ultimate connection, that's who gets the card. It's not going to be, and I think you assumed that or figured that, but it's not going to be whoever gets the most.

The most?

Yeah. It's going to be whoever gets the ultimate connection. Okay. I did say that one first, though. It is a recorded medium. I heard you say music, but music and I heard her say musical terms. Music!

Those are all... Let's go over what they were. Flat.

And the correct answer on the card was musical notation. Oh, so no one got it right. A flat, percussion, sharp, and rest.

Alright, I got all those right.

I'm gonna go to JPC. Yes.

What? I already marked it down for me.

Oh well, she already marked it out. I will buy you a butterbeer.

This is confusing. I already marked it.

See, this is why I built Puzbot. So there are no mistakes.

Okay, okay, all right. That's why you belt him?

Yeah, because he's out of line.

Oh no.

All right, Puzbot, go cut a switch. All right, Nintendo switch. Yeah, go cut a Nintendo Switch off the tree. I'm gonna tan your Xbox.

I'm ready for another one.

Alright, here we go. Steve McQueen starred in which film about a mass breakout from Stalag Luft III? I don't know what this is. The Great Blank. Okay. Wait, so we can yell these out?

No. We're gonna yell out the final answer.

Well, you can yell them out if you want, but then you know you're immediately giving the other person the answer. Got it. The Great Muppet Caper. That's one of Erin's favorite movies.

It is. The Great Butt.

Who was calling Major Tom in the famous song by David Bowie? Ground blank. Oh wow. Ground swell. Ground ball.

Ground beef.

This pen you gave me doesn't work.

That's not true. These are great pens. Kids. Adal, you didn't give me one of these pens last week. I've been using it non-stop.

If we don't, we are 20 minutes into an episode. If we don't, shut up and play this game. I am turning this, I'm gonna turn this podcast around. Erin's just ripping shit off the walls. Erin is Kool-Aid manning through each wall of the studio. Erin's pen didn't work so she got up and grabbed five pens.

I grabbed a bunch of Sharpies and a red pen. Damn it. Okay.

Adal gave me one of these pens the other week. I was admiring the writing style and he said, you know what, keep it. And he gave me the used one that he had been writing with, then went into his bag and pulled out a brand new one that he kept for himself.

Oh, he didn't have to give you a pen at all.

This anecdote was brought to you by Pen15 on Hulu. Check out Pen15.

Adal actually is the first person to tell me that I love it and he wasn't wrong.

I heard about it from my sister, Sadia, who I'm making eye contact with right now.

Sadia, hello.

So this was, what were we going to say?

I heard about it from my girlfriend's Hulu password because it was one of the recommended shows. So shout out to my girlfriend's Hulu password. I've never heard of a blow up doll with a Hulu subscription. Can I give my girlfriend's Hulu password on the air? Please.

We don't know her email.

That's true! Okay, are we ready to get through the second puzzle of this episode?

We're actually only halfway through the second puzzle of this episode.

What sort of work, common to factories, involves groups of people doing the same- Oh Jesus. What the fuck, Erin?

Everyone look at me!

Everyone look at me!

That's it. We're not doing puzzles.

Factory?

No, we're just gonna bullshit for the rest of this episode.

By my means.

Dammit. Okay. Now your game? What sort of work, common to factories, involves groups of people doing the same job at different times of the day? Um, this one would be- And don't forget, you can shout out- Keyboard shortcuts. You can shout out the- You can't!

We have to get four!

Nope, you can shout it out at any time.

No way! I would've found it after the first one!

Why didn't you say something?

Because you're supposed to wait for all four of that.

No you're not.

Okay, well, unbelievable. I will. I'm marking any time you get a point, I'm marking it red, asshole.

Do you know how winning works?

Do you know how being a kind man works? Freaking out! I wrote down keyboard before he said it.

Referee, when he had the basketball, he took a shot and made the shot. I will have my revenge.

Just so everyone knows, Erin's a millennial. She was growing up in this culture where everybody gets a trophy, even if you didn't even show up to the game. Even if you don't even go to that school. I was mailed so many trophies growing up.

JPC.

They're all sitting on my mantle though, baby.

I'm coming after you.

I won most improviser in 2007.

I won best character work in 2007 from Indianapolis Comedy Sports. It's a trophy that's still at my house. First of all, yes. Second of all, they were very funny.

I know.

That cat put on those overalls and played with the wad of paper. I thought I was going to lose. So they split votes? Yeah, they split votes.

Really, they did.

And I came in as best character. GPC. Myself. The best character.

Just so we know, as soon as you think you know the overall connection, you can yell out that word and you win. That's how games work.

Okay, well I'm about to destroy GPC from the inside out. Let's do this.

First of all, you can't destroy me from the inset out because I already had a burrito today and it's currently doing that work for you.

I'll go outside in and we'll meet in the middle and then high five.

I poured a cappuccino on top of a burrito so I'm literally fucked. It's official. This is the worst episode.

I'm not even sorry.

Name the colored circular part of the eye. I'm going to go through these. I'm going to start to blaze through these. The penis.

Okay, go ahead.

The Pen 15. Brought to you by Pen 15, by Hulu. Which object appears on the cover of Pink Floyd's album, The Dark Side of the Moon? Who was Ming the Merciless' main enemy? Blank Gordon. Is it a hint there? What's the title of Martin Scorsese's 2010 thriller set in a remote psychiatric facility? Hint, Blank Island.

Oh, it's all camera stuff.

I said it. I think JPC got it. I said it and I wanted to wait until Erin started to say it. Erin had the answer, but then she goes, ooh! The answer to all these questions, what they have in commonality, is a word that I'm about to say in just a few moments. There is a castle in the sky. After I sing this song, we miss.

So here's the thing. So you make your own enemies and this is your nemesis origin story is happening right now.

Erin? Me or JPC?

Both of you!

Erin, I gotta say this. I'm going to so enjoy drinking that jar of your piss.

Wait, why are you saying num num? Jar piss, nature's butterbeer.

Here we go.

Who is Superman's girlfriend? Beginning with Q, what is an eight-letter word for a bog or a marsh? The lead actor's name on Breaking Bad is blank. Family Guy. Yup. Characters. I want to see a scene. Okay. J.P.S. Erin, did you know that one too? Yeah. I want to see a scene. Erin, you recently had a baby. Okay. You got $1,200, which you said, as soon as you got $1,200, you would have a baby.

Oh, did I?

Even before marriage. You said that on one of the episodes.

Oh, okay.

It might have been a Patreon one. You just had birth and you are laying in bed. It was a C-section. You're laying in bed and they bring in your baby so that you can hold it and nuzzle it and smell that fresh baby smell. And it just so happens that your baby bears a striking resemblance to a certain family guy baby and can also talk as well. So here we go into the baby hospital, whatever that's called and see.

Can I hold him? Can I hold him?

I'm sorry?

Can I hold? Can you hand me my baby?

Can you hold your own baby?

I don't know. You're holding it currently and I was wondering if you could hand him to me.

What the fuck is your problem?

Oh, you are.

I'm not a doctor. I'm a janitor here. A la Scrubs. I'm the funny one.

Could you hand me my baby now please? Yes, of course. Thank you so much.

Excuse me. Are you Neil Flynn? Yes, I am. Oh, great. I'm just getting you out of the hospital. I'm actually a hospital janitor and they just filmed around me. But I was so wacky they kept me on. Oh, interesting. So you were an improviser at one point. What's up? You were an improviser? Yeah, I won Best Improviser in Indianapolis in 2007.

Yeah, for Beer Shark Catwith overalls. That was your form.

Well, here's your baby, ma'am.

Thank you. Okay. Hi.

Pause. Scene pause. Scene pause. Erin's a new mother. The first thing that she says to her baby is, Hi.

When you meet a baby, you say, Hi.

What do you do for a living? Okay, cool. Okay. I just, just wanted to throw that out. Dead stop is my, scene pause is what I do to dead stop inside of a scene. Scene pause is when you see a cat. Alright, unseen pause.

Hi.

Hello, Mother. Yes, yes, no one's pleased that I'm doing this voice.

No, especially because it's like, it's so far away from 2010 right now and even then it was tired.

Yes, and it's so far away from that. Yes, this is the voice that I've chosen. I could have made any form of choice when making this voice.

Okay, hold on. First of all, it's so nice to meet you. I'm sure this will be great. Second of all, who is your dad?

This is making me question... Oh, you think that just because I'm using this voice, I had some sort of father that you were not aware of?

Did someone call for the father, Gagety Gagety?

Uh, that's my friend Adal. I think he's come to visit.

Hi Adal. Well, it couldn't have been Adal because, as we all know, his penis is addled with sterility.

Okay. Okay. Well, nice to meet you.

It's nice to meet you as well.

I'm gonna head out.

Okay. Would you leave me some food? And don't think for a second I'm going to be nibbling off of your insufferable tit.

Yeah, I'm gonna head out.

You can figure this out. Sorry, man. We need you to fill out the birth certificate.

Oh, you know what? I'm gonna head out.

We just need a name and then you can leave.

John Patrick Coan.

Indianapolis, here I come. Here we go. Overlapping pieces that cover a rooftop are called blank. Roofs. Complete the title of the film, One Blank Over the Cuckoo's Nest. In the winter, the weather is often called very what? Wet. Which 70s film starred John Travolta as a white-suited Tony Marino? Monero. Tony Monero.

Like fever, cold, illnesses.

There you go. Erin is on the board, current score, current score. We got JPC, Indianapolis'... Nope, it's four to one. First of all, it can't be two to two because there's been five rounds. There's five rounds. JPC has four cards, you have one, and yet you're calling that two to two. Sounds like you two split votes, which means, of course, that a lot of paper being played with by a cat with overalls wins the day. Wait, Erin, I'm literally handing out the cards when you win them.

Erin's keeping her own score.

We're gonna take a quick break. We're gonna take a long break for us to figure out what we're doing. Let's take a quick cake break. We're gonna take a quick cake. Cake walk. He is going the distance. Were we supposed to take a break? No, cause we're taking a cake. Now let's take a break.

Hey Adal and Erin, can I talk to you about a somewhat sensitive issue?

I don't know.

Okay, it's kind of about your undergarments.

Our undergarments?

Yeah, it's your two undergarments. I've been finding your undergarments all over the studio. Oh, yeah.

That's because I shower here.

And the state of disrepair of your undergarments is troubling.

Yeah, well, what happened was I ditched all my socks and underwear because I got new socks and underwear from Pair of Thieves. Oh, thank God.

Okay, good. So you did get new socks and underwear from Pair of Thieves. Yeah, that's all I want to wear. Because what you were wearing before? Looks like it could be... Craft Singles. Yeah, this is cheese.

The old underwear you had is cheese. Yeah, I used to cover my junk and butt with craft cheese. And it wasn't great, but now... I consider the butt to be part of your junk.

But now what do you wear?

Now I wear a pair of thieves, socks and underwear, and they sent me a box of socks and underwear, and what I'm wearing right now is the mega soft underwear. It's a heavenly blend of cotton and modal. I don't even know what modal is.

I think it's like a Mexican beer.

Your undercarriage must be sleeping. That sounds so cozy and comfy.

It's all numb down there. Here's what Paris Thieves did. They developed a proprietary cool breeze fabric that's like air conditioning for your junk. So you know how before you had to wear those big heavy big like window AC units and you had to put them next to your junk just to make things cool? With this underwear you don't have to do that anymore. And they have all different kinds of underwear. They have boxer briefs. I personally have some long boxer briefs and some of the short boxer briefs.

I wore the long boxer briefs yesterday. And it was one of the most comfortable things I've ever worn. It felt like it's almost like biker shorts, but it's underwear. And I was like dancing around my apartment.

It's so comfortable, I forgot I was wearing underwear, and then I realized, oh, I'm not wearing underwear. And then my math teacher was like, come to the board and do a problem. And it was a dream. Are you still in high school? Jesus Christ.

And if you like to wear socks as underwear and underwear as socks, they also have socks. For women too. And for kids.

I'm wearing the sport quarter socks right now, which are super, super comfy, but they look like dress socks. So in our world news show, our high class show where we wear suits and ties, I wore these sport quarter socks, and they were fancy enough to pass with a suit, but comfortable enough that I felt like I was at home.

And that is their official slogan. Is fancy enough to pass with a suit and comfortable enough that you're at home? That's a long slogan. Uh, look, what do you got to lose? You got nothing to lose and you got your junk comfort to gain. So, for a limited time, and that's this month only... What? Listeners of Hey Riddle Riddle get 20% off their first order at pairofthieves.com slash riddle. So get 20% off when you go to pairofthieves.com slash riddle.

Care of Thieves dot com slash riddle. You only have a month. Panic. Do it right now. It's only a month. Go! What are you doing? Do it right now. I'm gonna wait.

If your underwear is cheese like ours, you gotta get new stuff.

Peel off the cheese and get you some underwear that ple- I was in the middle of a slogan.

And honestly, it was gonna be good. It started with peel off the cheese.

Alright, go ahead, Adal, go ahead.

Peel off that cheese and get you some underwear that pleases you.

I was gonna say, nothing is hotter than when you are kissing a person and you realize they have nice, really cool, clean, high-end undergarment.

I don't know, Erin, what about the sun?

That's pretty freaking hot. So you only kiss people when they're in their underwear?

No, only when they have hot, hot underwear.

That's paratheaves.com slash riddle. And we're back and we have decided to go our separate ways. Standing in the Alpha Beta parking lot. Is that a cake song? Oh yeah. I love cake. I saw them in Hawaii. I hate cake.

So if you're just joining us.

Wait, you hate the band cake? I hate the band cake and I hate actual cake. Well, cake is terrible. Pie is where it's at.

Well, pie sucks.

Whoa!

Warm fruit is disgusting.

Hey Erin, 3.14 is the door, okay? How could it possibly be a tie when we've gone five rounds?

Here we go. This is what I'm going to call the let's get the fuck on with it round. I'm going to go through two cards in like 30 seconds.

Give us the answers piggyback style so it'll be impossible for us to solve. Don't do that. Please don't do that.

Here we go. The four astrological elements are earth, air, water, and blank. In The Hobbit, what type of creature is Smaug? Don't fucking at me if I pronounced that wrong. Smaug, don't at me! Get off your high smaug. To create a mule, you must mate a donkey with what other animal? JPC no comments. Okay. Jack, who is one half of the rock band Tenacious D whose second album is called The Pick of Destiny? Answer please. Oh boy. Is it like cigarettes? Is it like cigarettes? Ooh, is that a dead stop? That's a dead stop.

No, I thought we were getting on with it.

Based on the answers, how did you get to cigarettes? I need to know. If you convince me how you got there, I'll give you the card.

No, then I can keep guessing. I'd rather get it for real.

Can you give me the first prompt one more time? The four astrological elements are earth, air, water, heart. No, that's Captain Planet.

Man, I really don't know this. Earth, air, water, and blank. I feel like I know all of the fire, right?

Dragon.

Fire, dragon, horse, and black?

Yeah. Solve it. Fire, dragon... I get the card if you don't solve it in ten seconds. Horse and black. Nine. Eight. Seven.

Are they like brands or something? Six. Are these bands? Are these cards?

Nope, they're brands of cigarettes.

They're brands of cigarettes? No, they're not. 5, 4, 3, 2, Adal gets this card. Fire, dragon, horse, and black.

I don't know. They're all types of tar heroin. So, fire blank, blank dragon. No, dragon blank.

Imagine dragon. Yeah. Imagine fire. They're all flies.

Oh.

Oh. Wait, no, dragons aren't flies, they're dragons.

Dragonfly.

I understand.

I get it now. Okay, everyone knew. Wait. All the listeners are yelling.

Is there a fly called Blackfly?

That's a fly. Yeah, that's a band, Henry Rollins band. Erin, can you let us know how you got the cigarettes?

Nope. Cause I don't know.

So, taking a drag on a cigarette, puffing a drag, puffing a dragon, lives in Amelie. I want to see a scene. Yeah, Amelie is a French movie.

Erin and I are planeteers. A very charming girl. Erin and I are planeteers. JPC, you're Captain Planet. We've just summoned you through a Ouija board in Dark Magic. And you appear and you're trying to convince us to smoke. Cause you've been bought out by Big Tobacco. Earth. Earth.

Oh, sorry.

Earth.

I'm not doing so good.

Karen, what the fuck is your problem?

Okay, what are you?

Earth.

Earth.

No, I'm hearth.

Oh, and I'm fine.

What's your element?

Uh, fire.

Karen, I'm fire.

Okay, uh, uh, wind.

I'm wind.

Okay, um, earth, wind, water.

You're a mon- no, you are a monkey. Your element is a monkey. You have that pet monkey.

You're the shitty one. It is.

We think so too. We think it's bad too. For some reason it summons Captain Planet so just fucking go, yes.

Are you imitating me because I sound like a monkey? Okay, well I got a question.

I think your monkey's talking.

I think your monkey's talking. My monkey needs to hold on a second. Excuse me monkey, one moment. When we were younger and all of a sudden you guys started hanging out with me, is that because an adult told you to?

Yes, Captain Planet told us that in order to summon him, we have to have all these elements. And unfortunately, monkey for some fucking reason is one of the elements. Earth, wind, fire, Air. Air, wind, or separate elements.

And monkey.

Water and monkey.

Okay.

Karen, we don't like you.

I know.

I'm thinking I should go out there and find friends who like me from who I am.

When you put your ring in the air and it shoots forth the light that all of our rings shoot forth, your light smells like shit.

Like monkey shit. Hey guys, I have a question too. I know that I'm air and we already have wind.

Why am I here? Daniel, well, one, we like you. Okay. You're very cool. Okay. You have a Deep Zone Earth voice. Yeah. And I think also you're part of the equation. Like we have to have air and wind in order to summon her.

I think I'm gonna head out. I just feel like I gotta go find new friends.

Well, let's summon Captain Planet first just so we honor what the fates have in store. Did that make sense?

Can you please use the Earth? Fire.

No. You are monkey. I fire.

Earth. Wind.

No. On wind. Okay, you can't do... Earth.

Water, wind, fire, air, and monkey. I've had enough of this.

Shh. Alright, here we go. Next card. Hold on. Wait. What was the person with the monkey in Capital Planet? Ma-kee? No, no, no. What was their power? Heart. Fuck. Heart. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, and they had a monkey. They just happened to have a monkey. They just happened to have a monkey.

I think he was... Oh boy, I don't know if I want to say this. I think he was like... Puerto Rican. You can say it. Now you're gonna take the heat. Here we go. Next card. I lied when I say we'll get through 2 in 30 seconds. Okay. Yeah, that was the biggest lie that we've possibly told. Complete the name of the famous architect Frank Lloyd Blank. Another name for death is the Blank Reaper. Complete this phrase. On your blank, get set, go. Leonard Blank wrote classic songs such as Hallelujah, Suzanne, and Famous Blue Raincoat. Answer please. I will repeat one per person if you have a one, two, three, or four you need repeated.

These are all famous Freds. What do we got?

What do we think we got? All famous Johns. I need you to answer in 10 seconds or Adal gets the card. Circle gets the square. You guys remember him? What's that guy's name? What's that?

The guy from Bye Bye Birdie. Yeah, he was the Sinner Square from wherever. What was that guy's name? Kids. I don't know. What's Paul Lin?

Paul Lin. Oh, Paul Lin. Speaking of, I don't watch this show, but isn't that like the voice of the thing on the Family Guy spinoff?

Wait, which Family Guy spinoff?

American... American puppy? Oh yeah, yeah, that's the alien. Is that Paul Lind? No, but I think that's what they're going for. That's the voice, okay. I need an answer in five, four. And remember, if you ask me, I'll repeat one of the questions. Well, I don't need them. It's Wright, Graham, Mark, and Leonard Cohen. These are all last names that John Patrick has had. John Patrick Wright, John Patrick Grimm, John Patrick Mark, and John Patrick Coan. Ah, boy. I will say number three is a bit... Of a stretch? It's a bit of a stretch. So what do we think the answer for three is? Mark. Okay. Why don't we change that K to an X? Carl's.

Philosophers.

Nope.

Marks.

So give me the answers. The one, two, three, four answers. These are all famous Groucho's. So we have Wright, Grimm, Marx, and Cohen. So Wright, Grimm, Marx, and Cohen. At least with Wright, Grimm, and Marx. Those are all famous. Authors? Stories?

Tellers?

Oh, like fairy tales.

No. So think of quantity. Scientists? I don't fucking care at this point. What's the answer? What do we know about right? W-R-I-G-H-T. Inventors? We said inventors. Why'd you have that S? Oh, these are brothers. They're brothers, baby! Here you go, Erin. I want to see a scene. You can see me have this one. I want to see a scene where you two are the right siblings and you are almost at your wits end trying to invent flight. Gotcha. And you're at your darkest hour right before dawn. Watch me jump.

I'm going to jump. Look at this. Let's see if this works.

No, Orville, don't jump off the cliff. You have so much to live for, Orville. Orville no, please you're gonna kill you're gonna kill yourself. Don't make me watch my brother die Orville wait wait before you do this before you throw it all away. Look at me. Look at me What about a last-second pivot? Popcorn you could be you could be the one Orville You do. You know when I make it, it turns out all nasty and tastes like shit, but you have a gift Orville.

You can make popcorn better than anyone I've ever met.

I said I want to get high, okay? I'm happy if you make a popcorn fortune and I just continue doing these methamphetamines.

Sir, this is North Carolina PD. We need you to step down or we will open fire.

All right, well here I come. One, two, I'm flying! Orville, no! Splats.

Oh, I dropped my tomato.

And I lived. I'd like to see a scene. And you, too, are the brother's grim. And one of you had a dream. You dreamed a fairy tale, and you're so excited to wake up and tell your brother what fairy tale you dreamt up.

Hunk sure. Hunk sure. Hunk sure. Brother! Brother! Wake up! Wake up! Da? Yes! Yes! It's me, Roberta. Yeah, I know. Granzel. Yes, Granzel. Why did you wake Hansil? Your name is Hansil and my name is Granzel? I don't know. Okay, no, I'm just- I didn't name me.

Don't forget, when we were born, our mother talked to us, said hello, and then walked out of the hospital. Walked out of the hospital. Without even naming us.

And it's Neil Flynn, Jennifer from Scrubs raised us to be... Strong boys. In scrubs, Janitor washes you. Okay, I had a dream. I had a dream of story that I wanted to tell, Han Solo. Oh, please. Tell me why I go back to sleep. In story, too late. Wait, you go back to sleep? That's what they said. Okay, fuck you, I guess. I guess you sleep through me talking? What kind of conversation is this?

Fine, tell me. What is your dream?

No, I don't want to tell you. What's your fucking idea for the big money we make? You want to know what my fucking idea is? Yes.

Okay, so picture this. Okay. There's the head. Okay.

Somebody draw this.

How do you say that's going to be a no from me, dog?

I think you just said that.

Oh yeah, that's going to be a big no from me, dog. What was your idea? Okay, so here's my idea. Two boys head out into the forest with a bushel of apples and the old preacher says you must wash the apples in the stream, but the boys know that the apples are so Wait a second.

That's just my fucking idea with apples. We had same dream. We had same dream. You know what this means, right? One of us has to die. Date? Wait, what? Oh yeah, I've always loved you. Oh. Well. It's only me. Oh, there's a preacher. It's actually just me, Neil Flynn from Scrubs. Here we go.

Do you go through all the brothers or just those two?

Just those two. Just those two. I don't want to see a fucking scene with the Coen brothers. Yeah, or Mark Twain's brother.

I have an idea for a movie about a guy who's pretty complicated. Scene.

Scene. From Fargo. Yeah. Here we go.

The soundtrack's gonna be amazing. In specific.

Scene. In The Lord of the Rings, what kind of creature was Gimli? What is the name for the ancient warrior class in Japan? Complete this song somewhere over the blank. What periods of time are named after two heavenly bodies? Four Norse gods and a Roman one. What? What? What periods of time are named after two heavenly bodies? Four Norse gods and a Roman one.

Oh man. These are all types of fish.

Explain. Sulfur... Sulfurfish.

Wait, do I really have to solve for fish? Uh, Rainbow Trout, Samurai Shrimp. Excuse me, can I get an order to that Samurai Shrimp? Also, if you go to P.F. Chang's and they don't have an item on the ship, other than that you call it Samurai Shrimp, I'll eat my own fucking dog.

When you eat at P.F. Chang's, do you call it JP Chang's? I call it P.F. Tomkins.

Dude, should Paul have Tomkins open a P.F. Chang's? Why did P.F.

Chang's not hire Paul of Tomkins? Alright, what do we think? I heard two right answers for the micros.

Are these types of straw stars?

Types of straw stars. Which, if you make your house out of straw stars, it will be blown over. So, what are we thinking? Is there any that we don't know in terms of 1, 2, 3, 4? These are all classes in Dungeons and Dragons. Hey Riddle. Two heavenly bodies, four Norse gods, and a Roman one. What's two plus four plus one? Seven. And you think there's seven fucking months in a year? Oh no. Alright, we need to get this in five seconds or else Adal gets decurred.

Okay, okay, okay. Five. They're all types of light. Four. They're all types of... These are all... I'll give one hint.

Kurosawa. Kurosawa.

These are all genres of film. Sushi. Tom Clancy. These are all films. Adal gets this card. Yeah, go ahead, dig it.

They all have the number seven. Seven Dwarves. Seven Samurai, which is a Kurosawa movie. Oh my god. Rainbow Seven. Seven days a week.

What's Rainbow 7? Oh, Rainbow 7, yeah. What's Rainbow 7? Ooh, I need your love, girl.

Seven dwarves. Seven dwarves.

What's Rainbow 7?

Tom Clancy. Rainbow 7. I believe it's the sequel to Rainbow 6. Yeah. Unless I'm wildly mistaken.

Okay.

I want to see a scene where Erin, you're Snow White. Oh. J.P.C. and I are the last two remaining dwarves because there's been a vicious battle and where the only two left. And unfortunately we're not any of the main dwarves.

A bird landed on my finger.

Oh, fucking great.

Oh, Jesus. When did you get here?

I got here. I am Jesus and I got here when I moved that boulder from that cave.

Okay.

I'm Jesus dwarf.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay what? Okay. Sneasy. Relax.

Am I sneezy? Look at my fucking wrists. I got stigmata. I got stigmata. I hate to interrupt, but he's right. He is Jesus Dwarf.

Okay.

I'm Star Trek Dwarf, but you can call me Wharf.

Okay, where were the ones that were here before they helped me clean and they helped me cook?

I can help you clean on if that's going to be something you're interested in.

And we think that Adal does grown-inducing buns?

Well, hold on. Now, this is not, I don't know who Adal is, and I certainly don't know who JPC is. My name is Star Trek Dwarf.

To answer your question, your seven friends were put in a burlap sack and drowned.

What the hell? You're joking.

No, I'm not. They were casualties. Sleepy was the easiest one to kill. To be fair, they're all sleepy now. And by sleepy, I mean dead eggs.

Okay, well who were the other three that died?

There was Sleepy. There was Grumpy. Happy. Happy definitely died, yes. He died with a screaming.

He died with a screaming on his face.

I don't know if this is one of them, but one of them that died was definitely horny. Yeah.

Oh, Horny died with a smile. Yes. Actually, Horny watched the background and auto-erotic effectiated himself. Yeah. That may have been a different guy. He hung himself on a tree while jerking out.

This doesn't sound like my seven friends. Oh, it doesn't sound like your seven friends?

Use the fucking bodies. It doesn't. Oh my God. Whoa. Sorry, I took a dump. You dumped those bodies out.

Well, it's time for me to sing by my window. So if you gentlemen will excuse me.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Your window? Excuse me.

This is our window?

Why are there no lyrics to your song? Snow White sings like a bird.

Why do you refer to yourself in a third person?

Would you like some lyrics to the song? Because me and my friend Jesus Dwarf, we happen to be freestyle rappers, all over the Beastie Boys.

Listen, Dido, we only need the hook.

It's fucked up. You don't respond to your fans. It's me, Click on Dwarf, and I'm trying to say I got my girlfriend in the trunk of my car. Oh, it was you. Say it. Say it. Is that from that? Yes. I think that's something my prince will come, which is from Sleeping Boopy.

Wait, what is from Snow White then?

Hi-ho. Hi-ho. Excuse me?

Hi-ho. No, what is the song that she sings in? Keiji's gonna help. Hi-ho, what's the way you work? Oh, she... She sings something by herself.

Oh, uh... From the windows to the walls. To the windows! Alright, here we go. Who starred alongside Woody Harrelson in Natural Born Killers? Blank Lewis. Name the Egyptian Pharaoh who gave birth to Julius Caesar's child.

These are going to be Shakespeare characters. And... Shakespeare, people died. Shakespeare plays.

There you go. Erin got it. Erin is on the board. Juliette Lewis, she's been on the board.

The other two questions for people who are curious are, which night marks the last day of Christmas?

Christmas Eve.

Twelfth night. Name the company that makes private luxury aircraft. Their name rhymes with landing gear.

Boeing.

Lear.

Alright, here we go. Next one.

JPC played Romeo in a production of Romeo and Juliet, and I know that about my friend.

But to be fair, the production JPC was in Juliet was spelled like J-O-O-L.

It was Romeo and Juliet.

It was Romeo and Juliet.

It was Romeo and Juliet. It was in Northwest Illinois.

I would like to see JPC your monologue from Romeo and Juliet.

Okay, this is Romeo and Juliet, which is J- How did you spell that? J-O-O-L. Okay. This is Romeo and Juliet.

Got it. And let's just have it be Romeo and Jewel Lit. Jewel Lit? Yeah, that's how it's pronounced. Okay. Click, click, boom!

Did you say click, click, boom? Hold on. Don't interrupt doing a monologue, Adal. I have to start again.

Just trying to buy your time, man.

I have to start again. Click, click, boom! My longsword ho! What like the yonder window breaks? Aw man! It's JU-LIT! And Romeo is the east! Lysander! Demetrius! Get in here, my boys!

Tybalt! Tybalt! That was my favorite Bud Light commercial.

And you were in that show and you know the plot of it? Very cool.

I also had to do some characters from other Shakespeare plays.

And act two, scene three. Here we go. Dorothy skipped down the yellow brick road with a lion, a tin man, and a blank. Song in her heart. Emperor, king, and chin strap are types of which flightless bird? Name the common plant that can cause a painful rash. A pack of cards usually contains 52 playing cards and two blanks. Hey Riddle. Do you remember Cillian Murphy? He has the lips of a fucking Adonis. He's a gorgeous man. He's a gorgeous, gorgeous, beautiful, pretty- You know who Cillian Murphy is, right?

He's from- I can't pick up.

Peaky Blinders?

Oh, yeah.

He's from 28 Days Later.

Hot, hot heat on that man.

He's a hot, hot Irishman. He was a little big in Batman Begins. He was like a little much. He was a little fat. Ra's al Ghul was the other villain, Liam Neeson.

You remember now?

Yeah. I've only seen that one once. I want to see a scene, Erin, you are auditioning for Christopher Nolan, the Nolan brothers, another famous set of brothers. You're auditioning for Christopher Nolan. You are in to play the role of Scarecrow. You have not been given a script or a character breakdown. And you are wildly confused.

Okay.

Hi!

And I'm Jonathan Nolan. I'm also here. I'm Christopher. This is my brother John.

I'm Jonathan. People say I'm kind of the smart one. My co-wrote inception.

And also I believe Help Create Westworld, which will be something we're working on that will come out in a few years.

You'll get it. I also, you may have wrote the movie Memento, loosely based on a time when I fell asleep with a pin in my hand and covered my self in ink.

Yeah, not only ink, he drew a donkey throwing up confetti and each piece of confetti turned into the biggest eye.

I don't got to retrace my steps. Probably one of the more well-known of the brothers too, Jonathan Nolan. I tell your friends.

Very cool. Well, I have a song prepared.

Okay. And this is for the role of Scarecrow in a Batman movie. Can I offer you some Fransia or half of this potato?

I'd take one or the other. Not both.

I would take one or the other. Before you begin, I have to ask, I've asked everybody to come in and audition today, do you mind if I take off my clogs? And I will say that it will make a smell in the room.

Please don't.

Oh, so I don't leave them on?

Okay. Also, why pick just one? You don't think this friend will go, well, with a potato.

You could have either one. By the way, does anyone know what pancetta is? No. Because I ordered a pizza full of pancetta.

A personal pancetta?

That was a personal pancetta. And what I ate, what I ate looked like macaroni and cheese. And if that's not pancetta, I don't know.

Hey Erin, can I talk to you?

Yeah, absolutely.

I want you to relax and give yourself over to this audition. I do want to let you know, my brother as a child, he jumped off the roof of a barn. He was trying to invent flight. So, wicked mascot? He jumped off the top of a bar.

Wasn't I already invented by that part?

It was.

My brother's, I don't know.

Not the movie flight. The medical term is dumb as shit.

My idea for the movie Flight was let's get Denzel Washington on a plane and see what happens.

As you do your song, he's got a Cold Stone drink a jar of his own piss and I want you to make unbreaking eye contact with him. Otherwise he'll think you need a million dollars. He's like a silverback gorilla.

I prefer you do a monologue.

Okay, we are going to audition you for the part of Scarecrow. You can call this.

He knows what it is.

Understand what you're saying. Don't tiptoe around it. He knows it's piss. This is not a drink. This is a drinking glass full of sour cream. It's potato dipping sauce.

Also my brother wrote, I don't know if you've seen the movie Pissed Congeniality. He wrote that movie.

It was later turned into... Is it the porn version of Pissed Congeniality?

I actually did not write Pissed Congeniality. I wrote Pissed Congeniality 2, which is the one where they piss and poop.

He also wrote, I don't know if you saw the movie, if you saw the movie Rush Showers, he wrote that. Rush Showers 2, Rush Showers 3, he wrote Homeward Piss. I wrote a You, Me, and Dupree and some piss.

Anyway, whenever you're ready, take it away.

He wrote the Kevin Kline parody You're In and Out.

You're in mine in hours. Take it whenever you're ready I'm gonna go to town on this sweatshirt.

Hey, it's me. Oh boy, let's just do a couple more. John's a dear when you were mumbling.

John of the Nolan has had a pretty good career. He's had a great career. So we're at, what is this, five to two? Yes. Let's just make this one for six. We're gonna do one last one. Okay, and let's make it for six. This is for six. This is for six.

Okay. Okay.

Okay, let me find a good one. Yeah, this one should be worth six points. You two do some more piss jokes, and I'm gonna find a good one.

This was always my favorite part of comedy sports, was like it's like a fake competition between two teams, and it's an improv form, and the last one's for all the points. It's his line. It's like, you know, the points don't matter.

And you can't swear in comedy sports.

You can, but they put a brown bag over your head.

Like the scarecrow.

Just like the scarecrow. Good job, Erin. I think in my time at Comedy Sports I got a brown bag only a few times, but one of the times I got a brown bag I was in high school at Comedy Sports and I didn't know, I said the phrase shacking up. You were just saying for a long time that you and Adal were shacking up together?

Yeah, but what I meant was we were shacking down on each other. We were shake-shacking up together, which is when we eat, shake, shack, and fuck. That sounds awful. Sounds delicious to me. Here we go. This is the best one I could find. Okay. This is for Audemobbles. Who broke his crown after fetching a pail of water? FAO Schwartz was famous for selling what? Who was trapped in a lamp? If you tricked someone, they fell for it. Blank, rhyme, and singer.

All the box, all things that go in a box.

All in a box. If you tricked someone, they fell for it. Blank, line, and sinker. What's the third one? The third one was, who was trapped in a lamp? Who was trapped in a lamp?

What's the first one?

First one was who broke his crown after fetching a pail of water. These are all Robin Williams characters. Jack, toys, genie, and hook! Erin! Ding ding ding ding ding! All the points! Erin ends the game with seven points, JPC with a dismal five, having actually won. All right, good game, good game you two. Can you go ahead and shake hands just so I make sure there's no sore losers?

Okay, here you go. Jokes on you, my hand was also wet.

From what?

Yep. I was in a lake yesterday.

Oh, yesterday? Gross! And he ate all the orange slices in the half time.

Brag rich. I was in a lake yesterday. That's my fucking Tuesday bitch. Here we go. This is going to be a listener submitted. Submitti Riddi. Submitti Riddi! Submitti Riddi! Submitti Riddi! Submitted Ritty. Submitted Ritty BBQ Sauce. Chili Submitted. HRR Podcast at gmail.com. Okay we need to form a subcommittee for the Submitted Submitted Ritty. This is submitted by Peyton M. Peyton writes, They're two in one, but one in two, in action you'll enjoy the view. Their purpose you must comprehend, if they, through clarity, will mend. Their purposes are but twofold, to see and be those things untold. One thing to see and two to watch, if on your nose they find the notch. What are they? Yeah, bifocals. They are spectacles. These are Spade testicles. David Spade's testicles. This is from Peyton M. Does Peyton give any information about their life?

Whereabouts?

Uh, Peyton says... That sounds like a riddle that they invented themselves, so kudos to them.

Uh, Peyton says, not that anyone is interested. Alright, then never mind. Wow, Erin was... No, Erin was!

I thought if I was interested, tell me!

Not that anyone was interested, but the riddle is written in eight lines of perfect iambic tetrameter paired in rhyming couplets. Let's just say you struck gold in the nerd demographic. Erin, were you panning for nerds?

Yeah. Wait, what were you saying earlier? You made a song to me before we recorded.

Oh, I said, um, oh wait, go ahead.

No, go ahead. You remember.

I said, uh, your hat make you look like Amelie. Mmm.

No, not the hat. Oh, I feel a lot of shit.

The spider. And also the gnome you bring in, that also makes you look like Amelie. Mm-hmm.

And you said the spider, the spider.

Spider.

What are we doing here?

Trying to recall jokes?

I don't remember, Erin. I've insulted you so many times.

Into the Spider-verse? Spider-man turn off the dork?

Oh, that's right, Spider-man turn off the dork.

Erin, can we get a five second episode of your spin-off podcast, which is called Erin Keif, panning for dorks.

Panning for dorks. What would I talk about?

And that's the episode. Erin, just for clarity, I didn't remember what you were talking about because I was saying Spider-Man turn off the dork to Adal, not to you. Oh, really? Yeah, that was a burn on him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, Peyton says, your podcast is fascinating. Doesn't say good, just says fascinating.

That's a weird thing to call our podcast.

That's like when you wear something and someone's like, interesting, interesting choice. Very European. Your podcast is fascinating. Fuck you, Peyton. And I hope you do a live show in Virginia one day. Well now that will be the one state that we don't even fucking try to go to.

I can't go back to Virginia because the law is looking for me there.

Yeah. Oh, I'm from Virginia. Mmm, peanuts.

Yeah, we all know the real Virginia is West Virginia. Yeah.

Almost heaven. Regular Virginia.

Thank you so much, Peyton. We really appreciate it.

They weren't just joking around. We will be doing a show in Virginia next week. Of course, we'll be doing in the main city in Virginia. Blufendorf. Blufendorf.

Speaking of Blufendorf, if you... Anything you want to Blufendorse? Yes. I'll Blufendorse my Twitter. You can follow me at jpsofly. You can also follow me on Instagram at sharkbarkman. If you're ever in the Chicago area, come and see world news tonight. It's a show that all three of us are in, Saturdays at IO in Chicago.

And speaking of, before we get to two balls deep in these Blufendorsings, I do want to say that we're going to be putting forth a bit of an ask. We're going to be putting forth a call to action, is what I think the kids say today.

No one says that.

A call of duty action. What we're going to be doing is, if we get to a thousand 5 star iTunes reviews, and I think we're hovering around 750 or something. Something like that. If we get to a thousand 5 star iTunes reviews, JPC tell them what's going to happen.

So if you would go on iTunes and write a review of the show or leave like a five star rating, even if you don't leave a review, when we get to a thousand, we are going to be doing a special AMA episode. So you'll have to follow... And that's where we're talking to the mic like this. You can follow us on Twitter and it's at HeyRiddleRiddle. This is the Twitter, and we'll be soliciting questions. You can ask us questions on there. We'll announce this kind of at a date when we hit that thousand, but we'll be doing an AMA. It'll be a full-length bonus episode. We'll release on the main feed, and it's just us answering any questions that you might have.

And this will be available in 49 of the 50 states. Of course, the one state that we won't be featuring this in is... Oregon! Which I've now formed into Ortoho. So yeah, so give us a review on iTunes. It does have to be iTunes. It does have to be five stars. Once we get to a thousand, that'll be a bonus episode on the main feed. It'll probably be, I don't know, 45 to 60 minutes. Yeah. So a healthy baby.

Probably longer.

Probably longer. It'll probably be a couple hours.

Yeah, I want to answer every fucking question.

Fuck it. We're gonna verbally commit to three hours. So if you want that episode, that's our call to action. If you don't want it, oh god, then don't leave a review. The best part about it is if you don't want it, continue living your life as normal. Yeah. So that's going to be that. Also, I do have a few things I want to mention before we finish up the plugs here. We do have two new pieces of merch in our store, which is at teepublic.com. We have a Keif and a Reel shirt, which is created by Emily Cardamas, so please check that out.

If you get a Keepin' It Real t-shirt and you send me a picture of you wearing it, I should do something special.

Drink the pen. Also, if we sell a thousand Keepin' It Real shirts, Erin, tell them what's gonna happen.

We're not gonna sell a thousand, but if you send me a picture of you wearing it, I will send you a little video of you saying whatever you want me to say.

I like the idea. I like the idea. If we saw a thousand, what's going to happen? We're not going to sell a thousand.

We're not going to sell a thousand. Back to you. No, but if you send me a picture and then also with a request of like say happy birthday to my friend or say JPC is made of socks, I will. I will say whatever you want. I'll send you a video.

Yeah, tube socks.

Wait, hold on. No socks would be cool. Let's go to Derek for the sports. There's no games today.

Okay, Derek, thanks so much.

So that's one of our new pieces of merch. We also have a new shirt. You can also get on other items. But that is our old man puzzles logo, which was created by Ray Glass. Thank you so much, Ray. So check that out as well. If we sell a thousand of those, JPC, what's going to happen? I'm gonna push you in a volcano. Me being Tom Hanks and thus fulfilling the title of the movie. So check those out. Also, of course, you can always check out our Patreon. For $5 you get access to all of our bonus Patreon episodes from the Clue Crew. We have seven or eight or nine up there already. Those are every Friday, so you get four or five of those a month. You can check out me at Adalrifai on Twitter and yeah, various podcasts that I mentioned last week. Erin, anything you want to promote?

Follow me, Erin Keif 10 on Instagram. I directed a show called 51 First Dates that's going to be at Second City April 5th through the 26th on Fridays at 8.30 if you want to go check that out. And then Erin Keif 2 on Twitter and I don't do much but you can say hi.

There's one thing I forgot to mention. I want to give another huge, huge, huge thank you. The other night we did World News Tonight, which we do every Saturday at IO Theater at 8pm and 10pm. A lot of times recently, I think every week we've had some fans of Hey Riddle Riddle afterwards say hi. Please keep that up. Once that stops, we will stop performing. But we had a gentleman named Matthew Romeo who created us these incredible puppets that are in our likeness. So we just want to say a huge thank you to Matt. We will post a picture of those on our Instagram. If it's not on there already, it will be up by this episode.

I've been losing my mind about it. I cried when he showed us. They look so much like both of you. Yours do. It's disturbing. Can I tell you a story?

Yeah.

Thank you. After we got the puppets, I went to my boyfriend's house, and I was like, I have a surprise. And I hyped it up too, like, so much. I'm pregnant. Yeah, I'm pregnant. And I was like, close your eyes, and he sat in his bed, and I was like, open them. And it was me with a puppet, and he died laughing, and he was like, I thought this was going to be a sexy surprise. But it's way more on brand for you, it's just you holding a puppet version of you.

And then you had to do a last-minute pivot where you turn that into a sexy surprise, and you're like, no, it's me and the puppet.

Yeah, we're at the threesome.

Can I just say something? Listeners, if you send a picture of you with a puppet, that is sexy to me. I find puppets a sexy surprise 100% of the time.

Speaking of sexy surprises, Erin, I have a surprise for you. It's one last riddle that I'd like you to answer. It's in the same style as the format that Adal has been asking. I'm going to go rapid fire.

Love it.

Cartoon dog, planet. Men go here to get stupider something. You say every episode.

JUPITERS!

Nice!

Did you say cartoon planet? Yeah, cartoon planet. Did you mean cartoon dog? He's cartoon planet.

Jupiter.

Bye forever.

created by Adal Rifai, Starring Erin Keif, and John Patrick Coan. Hey G Stiger did the editing, and our new parent did the music. Logo created by Emily Cardamus and Emily DeMouris.

That was a Headgum podcast.