Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

No shit. Oh, Sherlock, it's Hey Riddle Riddle. I'm Adal Rifai. I'm Jay Mateen.

And I'm... Aaron Keif.

Oh man, this is a great episode for people to really just pick up the podcast cold.

Yeah, if you've never listened and you turn this on, your headphones you think are broken, you toss them down, you smash them, you grab some new ones. Nope, it's just us. Okay.

What do we do? We've been doing riddles and puzzles that we call riddies and puzzies.

But we're going to do something a little bit different. Today.

So yes, if this is the first episode you're ever listening to, we'll catch you up. About four episodes ago, we discovered a body in the studio.

We've scrapped the premise of the show, and we've been using our airtime to try to solve this murder. It's a bit of a cold case because we didn't solve it in the first 48.

And the building's pretty cold.

And we record here once a week, so we keep coming back to the studio, the body is getting more and more degraded.

And what's our general vibes as like three people? Like how would you describe Adal in one or two words?

I would say that Adal is a hotshot cop with nothing to lose. I'm a hotshot cop. I kind of have nothing to lose. And Erin's like a young rookie hotshot cop and she's got nothing to lose. I feel like Erin has everything to lose.

A rookie has everything to lose. I got that young wife at home who's expected a baby.

She's not pregnant, but she's expecting a baby. She's very young.

We're redoing her kitchen and we're supposed to go to a room.

She's like 19 I think.

Shut up about my wife. I'm 19 too. We're college. My wife. We're college sweethearts, but now I'm a cop, but I'm not in the force. Shut up.

You're 19 in your college sweethearts?

Oh, I meant to say high school. All right, I got so much to lose.

Can we call this CS? Same way.

We can. So that's our vibe.

Yeah, so our vibe is that.

Puzzles, riddles, we do some improv sometimes, we tear each other apart.

And we build each other back up so we can tear each other down again.

I crush him, Erin, and then I build her back up with straw. Crazy straw.

I have no brain.

We're the three little piggies.

Can I make a request? Yes. We embarrassingly ordered Starbucks, and it's here. I want you to stay on air and talk about me while I'm gone.

Okay. To be fair, Erin embarrassingly ordered Starbucks.

I don't know why she had to color us with that paint. Specifically, she said, how much of a Boston douchebag would I be if I Uber eats some Starbucks? We all said, Erin, don't do that.

How do you think Erin drinks her coffee? First thing of the morning.

Don't talk to me before I've had Erin's coffee. Before I've had Erin's coffee. Uh, yeah, I mean, I don't have anything bad to say about Erin. I think Erin's a lovely person. No, in fact, can I tell you something? Lean in. Okay. Ow! I hit my face on the mic!

I want to tell you a secret.

Yeah, what's up? She's locked out. She's locked out. Alright Adal, you keep going. I'm going to let her in the studio. You are this podcast.

Here's a little secret. I'm alone in the studio now. JPC is rushed off to save Erin and I just want to let the audience know that I'm in love with Erin. I'm also in love with JPC. I don't know how to choose between them but one day I will confess my lie.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

What it is is that you give no fucks, so you steal fucks so that you can then give them. Wow. You steal from the fucks and give fucks.

I give so little of a fuck that I take fucks from some others. I'm a fuck bandit. Also, fuck bandit sounds like it's gonna get me in way more trouble. Well, because of that mask you wear. The slipknot mask.

Did you say nice things about me while I was gone?

Nope. No.

Made funny moves.

Here's my copy. The other podcast that I did I played, it's like a role-playing actual play podcast and my character was very much this like Lothario guy. And this is This American Life? This is This American Life and his chosen profession he had business cards printed up was that he was his two professions were for sex and being a criminal and so his business card said sex criminal and And a fan made those business cards, created the business cards, and they have a very faint dot in between six and five notes to distinguish between them.

That's also a wildly popular comic book. Sex criminal? It's, I believe, I haven't read it, but I know Annie Wu is an illustrated one of them. But it's a comic where I believe two people have, when they have sex, it stops time. So they have sex, stop time, and rob banks is what I've been told. But I think this is from Matt Young.

Do they have to keep having sex while they rob the bank?

I don't know. It might be like on a timer, like once they have sex to completion, and it's like they have 10 minutes or something.

Oh, 10 minutes?

Okay, doesn't really give a lot of time.

No, I'm just saying, doesn't really give a lot of time for cuddling. For some care, some tenderloin and care afterwards.

Tenderloin and care. What's that drug that gets released, dopamine?

Limitless.

Limitless, that's what it is. Are we ready for our first puzzle? What is often seen in water and yet never gets wet?

Come.

Is a raft often seen in water a boat? There was an episode where someone said silver and then later the answer was silver.

Oh my gosh, I still get people who are upset that we didn't get silver right away in that episode. I go, I know what episode you're on because you're rage technically.

Here's something I'm going to admit. This is an Adal secret. Adal secret.

Ready? Let's say it together.

Adal secret. I have a raccoon penis. Adal secret.

No, is it your penis or did you buy a raccoon penis?

I didn't buy it. Here's an honest Adal secret. I have a raccoon penis bone. Raccoons are like the one animal with a bone in their penis. And there's some store in New York I went to that sells raccoon penis bones for like two bucks.

What the hell? Are you sure that's what that is?

I use it as a toothpick.

Ew.

That's actually cool. That's also cool, man. That's one of the biggest fuck yous to raccoons that you can do. So any given time I can say, I'm gonna go dick in my mouth.

What's your Adal secret?

Hey man, I use your dick as my toothpick. That's the truth.

That means you're loving me, dude.

Fuck you.

I guess I was on top all time, idiot.

There's been at least two times. Bears been. Bears been. Bears win. There's been at least two times where I've known the answer to a riddle. I didn't say it.

What? Oh no, no, no.

Because I thought it would be more fun to dick around for a long time.

I'm calling you. We'll stop on that. Can I tell you why? Yeah. I think Adal is saying that so everyone the whole time goes, Adal actually knows what this is. Oh yeah, Adal.

Adal saying that is the raccoon bone penis of Adal Secrets.

If you don't want to marry me, why is my penis in your teeth? Get your story straight!

If you would stop digging through that trash for one fucking second, you'd notice I got you digging my math. Oh man.

I'm tired of digging through your trash. I'm trying to call you trash. I'm a trash bandit.

Is this one of the ones that you know, Adal? The boat? What gets wet in the...wait, what is it? What gets wet in the water?

I've been eating water and yet never gets wet.

Spaghetti.

The letter A. No.

Here's your hand.

The letter T. The letter E. The letter R. Shitty singing.

Yes.

Oh fuck, what song is that? Amazing Grace.

No, it's from the same thing that's... Mulan.

Snow. It sounds like that song from Robin Hood, Men and Tights that made Marion sing.

But it's not.

I don't know, Mulan Rouge. Leaf. Spider.

I don't know the part of the beginning.

I think only you know the clue that you're giving.

Oh, look a vampire. Yes.

Sorry. Do you know that Lea Salonia is the voice, she's the singing voice of Mulan and Jasmine.

Her name is Leon Rhimes.

No, her name is... Oh yeah, okay, yeah.

Her name is Leon Rhimes. And the Oscar goes to Adele Jazeb.

Is it legal in Canada for a man to marry his widow sister?

No, a man can't marry a widow's sister because she's too little. Too little of a marriage. Yes, because his widow's dead.

Yeah, right? His widow's sister? Yeah. No. It's not because his wife would be dead. No, because if it was a widow, he'd be dead. He dead. Answer questions, he dead.

I'd like to see a scene.

What if it's a gay marriage?

Okay. I'd like to see a scene. You two are a married couple and you got through the day without fighting and you're really about to turn in for the night. And then one of you mentions that like, if I die, hey, just don't marry my sister. Okay. And then we'll see what happens.

Well, it's such a fun day at the amusement park. Yeah, I had a great time at the amusement park. Did you get a good drink of the maple syrup?

Yeah, I had a sip of the maple syrup and it was tasty, yeah. I would say it was tasty. Well, it's 6 p.m. so it's time to turn in for the night.

Yeah, time to maybe have a little bit of sex, 10 minutes, and then go to bed. Hey, Jeff? Yeah, Jeff? Can I tell you that I love you.

Oh, well, you know, honey, I love you too. You know, you're the light of my life and you light up my world and you're the pearl to my hat.

Oh, I'm the Pharrell to your hat?

Yeah, you know, because Pharrell and his hat are in love. Yeah, I like it. Okay, you're the helmet to my Daft Punk.

Well, you're really hung up on hats. I know. You're the, what is it, newsy wear? Hat? You're the newsy to my hat. I'm the what? You know, in newsies, they wear those caps? Yeah. You're the, you're the newsie to my cap.

Oh, right. Yeah. Okay. I understand what you're saying. Well, time to go to bed. Good night.

Yeah. Just want to let you know that if I ever die, I'd expect you to continue to mourn till you die.

Oh, Jeff. You? Of course I would. You? Just so you know. If I ever die, and, you know, God forbid, you know, cross my hat and hope to die. What's with you and hats today? What's with anyone and hats any day? Hats are great. Oh, oh, hey. Hey, we're both dads.

Hey Jeff.

It's been established. It's okay, you can call me mom if you forget. Just if that makes you feel more normal.

I was looking at Riddle on my phone and I missed the beginning of the scene.

That's why we should take away your phone. You know, your dad and I, we're just about to fall asleep on our wildly comfortable Helix mattress.

Thanks for watching!

Where do we live and where we are from?

Because you sort of sound like the Swedish chef and you sound bad. So I'm just trying to figure out where we're from.

We're from Fargo, North Dakota.

Yeah, you're a little Irish and you're at the beginning sounding Canadian and I just sound like the Swedish chef.

Well, I guess it got away from me as I loved your father. Love will do that to you. It will unravel your voice.

I hope both of you marry each other's siblings if the other person were to die.

What does that mean?

What does that mean?

Nothing. I said something under my breath that no one heard. Good night.

Good hat. What is it with you? I'm in love with a hat. I think we have to kill our daughter.

I'm sorry I missed the beginning of that scene.

I refuse to play anyone who's not a man in scenes. Yeah.

That's fun. As a lady who's been on improv teams for a long time, it is so, there's like 20 men who will never let me play a man on stage and will never ever play a woman.

Here's my thing, if I'm gonna play a woman, she's gonna talk up here and she's only gonna talk about her boobs and her butt crack.

And she's always gonna start with, Oh, so JBC is one of those men. As an improviser, you'll see some men play women in scenes, and it's like high voices, and it's very cartoonish, which is sad. But to me, there is nothing funnier than that Mrs. Depp of higher-esque, the self-referential, like,

What can you add to a hole to make it lighter?

A butt. Oh, I love that answer. You put a lighter to your butt, you're going to get some fire tears.

Well, no, I shave. I laser. You did lacing for your asshole?

I did lacing for my asshole. I can see without glasses.

I was like, make this brown eye 2020. Hold up. We gotta see you soon. I called it. I called it. We gotta see you soon.

JPC, you're playing JPC. You're going into a Lasik or like a Corrective Lens place. Gotcha. Erin, you're going to administer a test for his brown eye. Maybe the air test or so.

Okay, gotcha. Here we go. Just kidding, I'm JPC, I'm an improviser, that's a joke. That's what a woman sounds like to me.

What's your name? I'm sorry, no I do not. What's your name?

I should say I was supposed to get it through my employer, but they took it away because what they said was I was living too much of that cancer-close life. Just on the racers edge of getting cancer.

Okay, well my name is Sheila Doubtfire and I'm going to be administrating your test today. So we're going to turn off the light. Okay. And then tell me, we're going to read line by line. You're going to tell me which line you can't see anymore. Okay. Starting with that big E on top and then down from there.

Just so you know, the eyes that we are testing today are not going to be the two ocular balls in my head.

I know, that's why I turned you around this way.

Okay.

And let me know.

Okay.

Sorry Chicago PD, we've been looking for this. We've been looking for this pervert for a long time.

I will go!

I will go!

You can't get me to go!

Sorry sir, you have to see this? No, it's okay. I can't see a thing. Let's get you a monocle for that ass.

I wish that the Erin who was wide-eyed moving to Chicago the week that she moved here and was so excited about improv could just flash forward to now and then go move home, go back on the plane.

There are people that listen to this podcast who love improv and they listen to this and they're like, wow, the big city.

Owen Wilson listens to this. Wow, Cars 4. This is the worst improv I do. Erin, the cadence of your voice is sad, but your eyes are defeated.

Also, Erin, that's not true. I did a show with you last night and it was, I would say, much worse.

That's so true. I will say, one of the world news shows, world news is pretty consistently so fun. And one of the world news shows we did last night just, I went, this is endless. That'll get some listeners out to the show. It was such a weird, and all great people were there. It had every reason to be great, but I think the audience just didn't understand improv and then could not get back on board with that.

So it was the audience's fault.

No, but also everything I did I went, what are you doing, Erin? in my head.

Yeah, she did that Batman voice. That was not in your head, Erin. It was out loud. Why do you want to kill me, Joker? Why do you want to kill me?

What can you add to a hole to make it lighter?

Oh shit, we're still doing this. Sink hole. What do you add to a hole to make it lighter? More hole?

It is. What do you add to a hole to make it lighter? This is like a word that you add to the word hole. L-I-T-E?

Nope. Is it W? It's not word play.

No, it's not. What do you add to a hole to make it lighter? More holes. What do you add to a hole to make it lighter?

It's sort of word play, but it's not the kind that you're thinking of. Do you have the hiccups?

Yeah.

Let me just ask you.

Oh my god, Adal with the hiccups. You guys! It's so cute.

Is his nickname Stingamill? Is it a blimp hole? Is a blimp hole with him?

What the hell is a blimp hole? What is a blimp hole? I'm glad you asked. Not much.

What's a blimp hole with you? I can show you a blimp.

Blimp blimp. What can you add to a hole to make it lighter? A flashlight.

Fuck.

That's so good. That fucks. That fucks. That riddle fucks. I'm going to give that riddle my stamp of fuck.

I sort of want to see a scene, but it doesn't seem like a special enough of occasion.

Oh, okay. Let's do it. You want to wait for your birthday?

Yeah, kind of.

Let's do it, and then once we're done, we can decide whether or not we should have done it.

Okay.

The whole world.

To see a scene where I want to see J.P. Riddles in a hole and I want two kids to, we're going to play the two kids who've stumbled across J.P. Riddles, our swan lumps author. Stuck in a hole.

I'm always happy to break some swan lumps into this.

Hello?

Hey, who goes there? Hey, it's us. Oh, here are those two kids who keep following me around. Okay, now, unconfirmed. Let me see that insect book. None of this is food.

Useless.

Well, I thought maybe there was samples inside.

What book has samples inside?

Magazines is what you're thinking.

Yeah, they're gonna scratch it sometimes. Shut up! What are you two little dipshits doing out here in the woods?

We were looking for insects, specifically an earwig. Did you know that an earwig is a bug?

Who gives a shit? Now leave me alone. I'm laid in this grave waiting for the Lord to take me.

It looks like you're stuck. All you have down there is a tarp. And what are those other things?

This isn't a tarp. These are pants.

Oh God.

These are pants that I made in a tarp that I made in a pants.

What else is down there with you? Here, let me shine this flashlight.

There's a raccoon penis bone. Some empty Lunchables containers. They were the pizza kind, but uh... Did you eat them? No, the raccoon ate them and then I ate the raccoon. All that's left is this little penis bone down here.

Did he taste like pizza?

Oh God no, he tasted like trash and death and cigarettes and stale ash.

Why are you balls deep in a Jimmy John sandwich?

Oh, that's what this is? Well damn, I've ruined it. I've ruined it, but okay, that makes more sense. You could have eaten that. Definitely could have eaten that. You could have eaten that.

What else is down there?

Okay, there's some loose cigarettes, some loosies as they're called. Ooh, tell us a story and use everything you see down there. Okay, and the other thing that's down here is one of my famous swan lumps.

Yay, swan lumps! Wait, Charlie, I'll go down. Your nephew, Charlie!

First of all, you're not my nephew. Okay, I don't have a brother anymore.

I'm Charlie and this is Wilson's war.

I'm Wilson's war! Hi Riddle Riddle.

You're here.

Tell us a story. I dug this grave to die in, but since you kids are here, and since I got one of my swan lumps, I might as well give you all a little story.

Here's a flashlight.

Okay, thank you. I can't eat this. I'm gonna huck it into the woods.

Hurry up!

All right.

Did you say huck it into the woods?

Is that like Chuck?

But without the scene? I'm not getting sued. Okay, NBC's Chuck is litigious. He's in that new movie about being a superhero.

That flashlight, it's dark. We can't see it.

Zachary Levi went away for a couple of years, then he was in Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, and now he's back and he's a superhero. Okay.

Erin Keif thinks he's really handsome. Sometimes she cites him as being her exact type.

He's too tall! How does he play opposite of anybody? He's six-five, six-six.

That's why in Shazam, they put him opposite kids. That's true.

Yeah, okay.

To accentuate the difference.

Looks like everybody got a fucking answer for old JP Riddle. That was a story. I will, I will. Okay, this is Swan Lumps. 122. Say it like Borat.

What? Say swan lumps like Borat. Swan lumps?

There's a swan lumps at 122. The old man who laid down his own grave. Okay, here we go. Once upon a time, there was a very old man who was so old, he didn't want to let the- How old was he? That's not a call and response, so- How old was he? Okay, he was 105 years old. He was so sick of this world, sick of all the little piss-ant, miscreant shitballs, the little last bird kids. How sick was he? Walking around with their scambords and their fucking not food flash- Scareboards?

What's a scareboard?

Raccoon Penis says that he decided he was just gonna lay down a grave in it all. So he ate a bunch of bricks. Suck himself into the down of a deep hole in a forest. Well, well, wouldn't you know two shit little bird kids that are his stupid brother who he does not respect's kids. Charlie and Wilson's war came out of the forest and old J.P. Riddles was so full of fucking fake crab meat and raccoon parts that... When you got to the raccoon's stomach, that didn't taste like pizza legibles?

Is that a throw out the stomach? And if you would have asked, I would have bought you imitation crab meat. Fake crab meat's terrible.

Well, fake crab meat is what old JP Riddle's told himself he was eating to get that raccoon down. Anyway, anyhow, anywho, he killed those little kids. I want to go home. Yeah, we all want to go home.

I want to find a bug and I want my flashlight back.

Okay, well, you know what? Let me boost you out of this grave.

Oh, your shoulder's breaking under the weight of us. You can feel it.

That's okay. My shoulder's old dust turns to sand. The Egypt wind's blowing away. Same.

I missed him. That sound. I want my text sound. I'm throwing the flashlight. I love it.

One of the fun things about playing characters is doing, like, laughing at characters or doing something as a character that you weren't expecting to do. Like, make a sound of a character exerting themselves just to see what it's going to be. Like, oh, what does this sound like to this person?

Oh, it's so funny. God, that is my favorite thing about the show, is JP Riddle. I'm not even joking. What can tear down mountains or build them up? What can blind a man and measure the passage of time?

What can blind a man?

And measure the passage of time. What can tear down mountains or build them up? What can blind a man and measure the passage of time?

Oh, it's sand.

Like Adel through a wood hourglass. These are the butts of our lives. You got it.

Sand can't blind a man to get in his eyes yet.

As I said it, I saw that. Sand blind a man, build a mountain hourglass, sand time. That's going to bring us to... do we have a sandbox?

No.

That's going to bring us to a point in the show where we wish we would have contacted Sandy to ask them to do a segment.

Ready?

No.

No? Okay. What can run but never walks?

Nose. Crab. Big crab.

Nose is good.

What can run but never walks?

But nose is not the...

Time knows. Walks. Diarrhea. A walk is a cooking utensil as well.

Water.

Yeah.

Water.

Any liquid substance.

The answer is any liquid substance.

It says water or any liquid substance.

Okay, got it.

Are we ready for another?

I want to see just the briefest scene. Okay. JPC, you are some sort of scientist.

Yes.

And you can discern what any liquid substance is. Okay. And Erin, you are a cop who's found some various substances at a crime scene and you went in his assistance.

Oh, well, well.

Officer backgammon.

Well, scientist back in. Dr. back in.

Dr. back in. How's my wife? My ex-wife? I kept her name.

Pretty good.

Good. Great. I'm glad you're happy.

How's your home?

My life.

Sex is pretty good. I remember it well. So the bakery exploded, and I don't know what's going on, if there's body parts here, or if this is just all cake parts. This could be red velvet cake, or it could be part of a man.

Why don't you leave the science to me, Officer Backgammon?

Why don't you leave the sexing your wife to me?

I do, and I have.

Doctor.

Alright, well, I want you to, uh, here's a little spoon. I want you to taste everything in here. You tell me what's made of sugar and what's made of blood.

Wait, that's not my process. You think my process of being a scientist is to taste everything with a little spoon?

I don't know your life, but I do know we are running out of time.

Well, in what world would it make sense for a scientist?

The whole city is going to explode if you don't do what I say.

Alright, give me the spoon.

And I'm going to draw chalk on the ground.

Okay.

Because there's no body to outline.

This first taste that I tasted tastes like a mixture of cake and blood. One more. Okay, good. That's a mixture of the two things. Okay, it all seems to be mixed together pretty well.

Oh, that's probably because you're chasing out of the big mixer.

We cut to a warehouse across town.

Okay, a kick bus. A kick bus. What do you want, little Donny? It's done. I blew up the bakery. You blew up the bakery? But I fucked up. What? I got some of my blood on the crime scene.

It's okay little Tony. Hey, it's okay little Tony.

Cake boss, I'm sorry.

But you know what? I'm sorry. Some of your blood is on the crime scene, and the rest of your blood is in my freaking cake mitts! G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g

I'm going to the dance downtown, so it's gotta take me.

Alright, the cake, the cake. Hold on.

I'm here, it's me, little Tom. Hi, Thomas is if I can hear him in the room.

I'm insane and these are my puppets.

You cannot end every scene. And these are my puppets. Way to gut everyone else's choices.

If you do come see a World News Tonight show, JPC will edit every scene with, I'm insane and these are my puppets.

We're playing all senators and then he just goes, I'm insane and these are my puppets. Oh, that's a t-shirt. I know we talk about t-shirts, but can that be our t-shirt? Or a poster where it's JPC and we're marrying at puppets. And it's him going, I'm insane.

And Jim Henson is writing up a lawsuit.

That makes sense. While Jim Henson writes up his lawsuit, we're going to take a quick break and we're going to file a motion to suppress that lawsuit under the grounds that we are all criminally insane. So we'll be back after these.

Breathe. Hey, fellas.

Hey there, hon. Hey, let's see. Oh, look at them getaway sticks.

I got a question for the two of you.

Oh, yeah?

What side of the bed do you sleep on?

You sleep on the bed that's furthest from the door? How many beds you own, Toots?

What brand are they? You don't say. They are.

Mine's a Helix.

Yours is a Helix.

My bed's a Helix too.

Oh, you got a Helix too? I want that. At 2.0? Yeah, it's a 2.0. Really, Helix Sleep is great because they built this sleep quiz, you see. It takes two minutes to complete and they use the answers to match your body type and sleep preferences to the perfect mattress.

What if I have a partner and they have different sleep needs than me? Can they accommodate that?

Yeah, what if a partner likes to sleep at all hours?

We can split that mattress right down the middle, providing individual support needs and field preferences for each side of the bag.

I got a question. Yeah? The way that I sleep, it's not normal. I'm, uh, I sleep like Ina Camozi. What are you, like a side sleeper? I'm a hot sleeper. Here comes the hot sleeper. Word of ri- Remember that song from the future?

Boy oh boy. Well, don't worry about what kind of sleep you are, cause there's a helix mattress for you, kid. For me?

And if you're a warranty, like a 10 year warranty?

That would be insane.

And you can try it out for 100 nights risk free.

What business could sustain that? Helix does. It says right here they give a 10 year warranty. You get to try it for 100 nights risk free.

Listen fellas, or dames, right now Helix is offering up to $125 off all mattress orders. All you gotta do to get that 125 smack-a-rooties is head to helixsleep.com slash Riddle.

That's a lot of money.

That's Helixsleep.com slash Riddle.

Was this woman slowly melting?

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That's slash R-I-D-D-L-E for up to $125 off your mattress order. What are you waiting for? We're all from a period of time where the internet exists, so head to Helixsleep.com slash Riddle.

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And don't forget to save up to $125 off is... What?

See that?

A lot of money.

It's a lot of money.

Welcome back to Hey Riddle Riddle. And we're cake. Wouldn't it be great if we all said the same thing?

No. I love that JVC's character can discern any liquid that you said, here's a substance, it's half blood and half sugar.

Sometimes sugar is water, everything's fine.

Dead stop! You know that famous band Water Ray?

You put water on the stove, you put sugar in, you make a simple syrup.

Hey, before you go to bed, give your dad a little water.

Well... Pour some water on me in the name of love.

Oh, like Flashdance? Water, water, do, do, do, do, do. Oh, a spoon full of water.

Makes a water. Go down.

Sometimes water, sugar. At first we were dead stopping Erin. She was just taking it like a champ. And now when we say dead stop, she shoots blood out of her mouth.

That's because I often don't deserve it.

No, you often don't. You get picked on.

I have no eyes, legs, arms, or ears, yet I help move the earth. gravity Mitch Mitch is such a champ I keep going send me pictures of my niece and he will how does that make him such a champ because he doesn't have to I'm just like I need this and he goes okay you know just send me all the pictures he has on his phone of my niece who's perfect by the way a little picture bitch yeah I mean honestly I've got a guy in my phone I could text right now and say send me pictures of my nephew and he'd say he would say pay me the $500 you cold mr. PC I'm in your phone it's me the little man

You better delete all this porn. Why would I save porn?

I thought you were going to say, I have a guy on my phone and I could say, send me a picture of Erin's niece.

I have a guy on my phone, fucker, can you milk that? Within 50 minutes I could get any picture of any niece in the country.

Oh no. I have no eyes, legs, arms, or ears yet I helped move the earth, what am I?

Hey Riddle. Is it Dom de Louise? Are you happy about that? But I help move the earth?

Yeah, that's a little misleading. I have no eyes, legs, arms, or ears. Well, what's an animal? Oh, it's a beaver. Worm, earthworm.

Listen, Erin, I'm gonna tell you a story. One time I went into the jungle, I saw a beaver which was unnatural because they're in the forest usually. This beaver had no eyes, no hands, no arms, no legs.

Beavers are in water! I'm looking at JPC dead in the eye and he's not dead stopping at us.

I thought beavers were in Canada. Real quick, Erin, do you think beavers are fish?

Beavers make their homes out of sticks.

I want to see a scene. JPC, you are the Canadian sensation just a beaver. Just a beaver or just a beaver?

Just a beaver, thank you so much.

You're the Canadian superstar Just a beaver featuring Luda Fisk and Erin you are just a beaver's tour manager or just general manager and you have to deliver some bad news about how ticket sales are going.

Just a beaver?

Yes.

Hey, I'm about to give you some bad news. Can you just cheer me up a little bit of your hip? Damn!

Sorry, I'll leave the room.

I'm sorry.

Oh, this is what that was for. Yes, it was for that. It really wasn't. It was for that. Can you just sing a little bit of your hip?

Hold on, let me get some sticks. You don't eat sticks. I'm not eating the stick. I'm going down on this girl. Get out of here. What are you doing?

I have bad news. I thought maybe you could sing your song.

Alright, get out of here honey.

Don't stop going down on me. Marionette needs it.

That's it, Marionette Doubtfire. She's going to be a big star. What's the bad news?

Aren't you like 13?

Well, am I?

Not if you want to make this okay. Oh, good boy.

And beaver years. That's old for a beaver. That's a girl beaver. That's not a woman.

Just a beaver.

I'm just a beaver.

You're sort of a douche. A ticket sales you down. And we really thought we were going to have a bunch of like young girls like screaming your name like, just a beaver. Sing baby. But if you don't think you're kind of a douche, the animals are turned on you and the young ladies are turned on you. I don't know what to do.

So you're saying that I have one shot to go out there and rock this whole stadium down.

That's not what I'm saying, but I like your enthusiasm so get out there.

So you're saying that I have one chance to go out there and turn it all around. Alright, hand me some of those sticks.

No, these are drumsticks you can't make. Oh, you put them in your house. It was earthworm. Earthworm. I say earthworm. I know.

You did gym? Earthworm gym?

But you called a scene before I could say this.

Oh, you're right. Thank you. Earthworm Jim. Holy shit, that was a great game. Fun game. I haven't thought about that since like 1984. I don't know what that is. Why did they make a sequel? Or did they make a sequel?

I think they did. They probably did.

Earthworm Jim was a Sega Genesis game where you're this earthworm in like a giant man suit and you can pull yourself out like the worm out and use it as a whip.

How did you get your powers? I know the suit is like... Science. Yeah, it's like science. It's probably chemicals.

I feel like Sega Genesis, like Nintendo, was like, here's a formulaic fun game like Zelda or Mario. And then Genesis was like, I don't know, Toe Jam and Earl?

Yeah, Genesis was also like, here's some impossible games that have very weird concepts.

Here's a dolphin thing. Figure it out. Nobody did.

Nobody did. Battletoads? Battletoads is amazing. Battletoads is great.

Erin, what did you play as a kid? You played a... 1991.

Nintendo Cafe. Oh, before video games. Yeah, 1991. I played a lot of Super Nintendo.

Didn't your sister do something?

Nintendo Cafe. I didn't get to play often, but when I did, it was like, what is it? Star Fox and Super Mario. You played Star Fox? Yeah. That's awesome. You're just like your father, Fox. Donkey Kong. Every time I go home, I play Yoshi Island, and I'm like, oh. The sounds of that bring me right back.

I do want to clarify that I was surprised you played Star Fox, not because you're a woman, but because I don't know anyone. I'm trying to defend myself, but because I have never met anyone who played Star Fox. I've never played Star Fox, but I know him as a character from the Smash Brothers.

We played Star Fox and there's a character who's a little frog who's a fuck up and his name is Slippy. And Slippy keeps getting out of formation and at one point- Are you Slippy? No, my little brother was Slippy. But at one point in the game in Star Fox 64 some character, I can't remember which, I don't know if it was Falco or someone says, Slippy get back here! And we used to yell that at my little brother all the time. Slippy get back here!

Here's another. Can you name three consecutive days of the week? Yes. In English. No.

Without mentioning... Mercalese.

Yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Viernes.

Yeah. And if I don't see you... I'll mention Monday, Tuesday, and Friday.

Good afternoon, good evening, and good night.

If you would let me finish, you would have been... Stay classy, San Diego. You didn't get to be misled. Let me read it again. There she is. Can you name three consecutive days of the week in English without mentioning Monday, Tuesday, or Friday? And the answer is yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

We've had that before.

On this show? I don't think so.

Not phrased that same way, but yes we have. I'm reading off a card.

We need to drop the cue cards in this show. They cost so much to make these cue cards every week. We're not SNL.

What gets less tired the more it works?

Bike. What gets less tired the more it works, mind you? Wait, that could work! What gets less tired? Oh, it's like tired? Like a bicycle? What gets less tired the more it works? Oh, it's like a DJ? Yeah, DJs can go forever. What would Erin, what would be your DJ name?

DJJPC. And so people's expectations are low, and I blow them out of the water.

Why would you just be DJPC? And the logo is like a J one way and a J like it's mirror opposite.

And JPC might be like DJ Liquid Shits or something. I didn't make up business cards or anything. Adal, what was your DJ name be? Oh boy. Long answer, DJ Tanner, short answer.

DJ Colin. I would spell it DJ Khaled, but I would pronounce it DJ Khaled, and it would be, I would only do utilities and electricity.

Oh, I have to pay my Khaled bill.

Oh, okay. Oh, let's stop. Dead stop. Dead stop. Bill stop. How much is it? Go ahead.

I don't know how much it is. I normally call and do it on the phone.

Oh yeah, they love that. I heard people at A&R departments really love games.

She has a different card every month we have to re-enter and keep losing her fucking card.

For listeners, Erin mimed holding up a phone and by that I meant eating a raccoon penis.

Yeah, in my teeth. Because I'm in love. What gets less tired the more it works?

Hey Riddle. Automobile wheel. Automobile wheel. Automobile wheel. Automobile wheel. Automobile wheel. Automobile wheel. Automobile wheel. Everybody fucking dance. Automobile wheel. Automobile wheel. Automobile wheel. Automobile wheel.

Automobile wheel.

Automobile wheel. Automobile wheel. Automobile wheel. Automobile wheel. Automobile wheel. Automobile wheel. Automobile wheel. Automobile wheel. Automobile wheel. Automobile wheel. Automobile wheel. Automobile wheel. Automobile wheel. Automobile wheel. Automobile wheel. Automobile wheel. Automobile wheel. Automobile wheel. Automobile wheel. Automobile wheel.

Automobile wheel. Automobile wheel. Automobile wheel. Automobile wheel.

Automobile wheel. Automobile wheel. Automobile wheel. Automobile wheel. Automobile wheel. Automobile wheel. Automobile wheel. Automobile wheel. Automobile wheel. Automobile wheel. Automobile wheel. Automobile wheel. Automobile wheel.

Automobile wheel.

Automobile wheel.

Automobile wheel. Automobile wheel. Automobile wheel. Automobile wheel. Now eat a cracker barrel. It's a cousin food party.

These aren't your cousins by blood. Everybody, grind your cousin. Please cut that loop bat. Make that a song. Don't do that.

We don't deserve this podcast. Yeah, we don't. What has six eyes but cannot see?

Potato.

A fucking nerd. What has six eyes? Spiders.

Cannot see.

Spiders, can you see? Nope. Cannot see. Six eyes. Oh, what's a word with six eyes? Helicopter. Mississippi. Mississippi?

Nope. That's very clever.

I like how I said, what's a word with six eyes? And the first thing that popped into my mind was helicopter. A word that's not that long with zero eyes. Well, depending on how you spell it.

It has one eye.

Oh yeah, yeah, I'm sorry. Which is why I said, depending on how you spell it.

Oh my god. Alright, your hint is, hmm, hmm, hmm.

Oh, uh, shmanson.

No.

The Ocarina of Time. The Ocarina of Time. Hot crossbones. Of a quarter.

Oh, three blind mice.

Three blind mice. Wow. Wow, Erin, wow. Wow. That's great. That one's good. That fucks. That Riddle fucks.

That Riddle doesn't fuck.

That Riddle fucks.

What falls but does not break.

Love, falling in love.

And what breaks but does not fall.

A heart. What is the same thing? No. What falls but does not love?

No. What falls but does not break? Feather. What breaks but does not fall?

What falls? So that's going to be autumn. You can break wind. You can fall.

It's two different things.

What falls but doesn't break? That's going to be, oh, Princess Peach. No.

Because she can, in Mario 2 she can break. I am a Princess Peach! How am I going to win?

What falls but does not break?

I guess that's pretty easy.

Is it an abstract concept like love? What falls but does not break?

And love is not an abstract concept. It's hard, hard truth. And hard, you can hold that love in your hands. And love is a raccoon's penis bone.

Is it a leaf? Yeah, I was gonna say a leaf too. Leaf don't break.

Leaf me alone!

So lots of things fall. Lots of things fall but don't break.

Okay, well I'm not asking for all the things.

I'm just asking you to name everything until we get it. Niagara Falls. Oh, that's a good one. Waterfall.

Nope.

That's gotta be a waterfall.

It's two things.

TLC.

What falls but does not break, and then a separate thing, what breaks but does not fall.

Break, that does not fall is gonna be heart, gonna be a curfew, gonna be DJ Beats.

What? Breaks? Yeah, drum break. Breaks but does not fall. Arm. Car. You break in a car. Oh, Jimmy Fallon? Yeah.

Jimmy Fallon, and he's sort of like... I think people are real jerks if they break or they laugh.

Erin, you laugh constantly all the time in every show that I've seen.

I think you're thinking of someone else.

No, no, no. I'm thinking of just you.

I don't think so. I don't think so. I had this conversation with Waleed, again, a friend we all know, on Friday. And I said, how annoying it is that people think I'm an easy laugh. And I go, no, I'm just around the funniest people ever.

No, you misheard them. Easy lay.

Oh, yeah. That is true. I'll plead with any one if they give me chips.

Well, I'm insane and these are my puppets.

Yeah, Erin's nickname in college was Baked Lays because she would get high and fuck a bunch of people. Her name was Luao.

I didn't do either of those things.

What a cruel name for someone. We call them Baked Lays. Why? They have a real drug problem, Dave. They fuck people.

What follows but does not break and what breaks?

Erin, this is impossible.

Nightfalls and day breaks.

Oh, like Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz. Like Blade. Day and Night.

Which is faster, hot or cold?

Hot.

Why?

Because if you see a hot person, you're gonna hear about it sooner.

Hey, have you heard about me? No, not yet.

And if you see a cold person... I'm a new girl without a coat.

Have you heard about me yet?

Listen, if an ugly person gets killed, it's a cold case. Hot person gets killed in hot...

Alright, hold on. I got to see you soon. So Adal and Erin, you are two high school students. You are gossiping. So it's a world where like there's a new student at school and instead of you hearing that they're really hot, all you've heard about them and you don't know what this means is that they're very cold.

Hey, did you hear about the new kid?

Yeah, I did. So weird, right?

Yeah, I heard that when he's coming around the corner you can see his breath before you see him.

Yeah, like what? Yeah. So weird. The school's like pretty warm and he's just super cold.

Yeah. I heard when he touches an egg it hard boils. Does that even make sense?

No, not even a little bit. But I'm really sorry to hear about how your North Face got stolen out of your jacket. Out of my jacket, yeah. I kept the North Face in my Canadian Goose jacket and it got stolen. That's crazy. People that the North Face Bandit is running rampant.

All right. All right. Now students off to class, off to class. Do you have hall passes?

You don't think you're wearing a bunch of jackets under your suit coat, Mr. Anderson.

It's not. This is my... I've got adult chicken pox. Oh, measles? No, what's the other one? Shingles? Shingles, that's the one I've got. Yeah, I've got shingles and so these are just shingle wear.

Have you heard about the new kid? People keep saying he's like a white walker.

Oh yeah, the new kid I've heard is so cold. He kind of looks like DJ Qualls.

Yeah, that would be my DJ name. Uh-huh, DJ Qualls. Great, that's a reference to a conversation I was attributed to. You're sweating! Am I? It's probably because all of the shingles, uh, the shingles have formed a carapace over my body and traps it in heat.

Well, we have hall passes.

Yeah, let me just see this. Okay, yeah, this is a hall pass, so you can, you have one week to fuck someone who's not your wife. Owen Wilson, wow, wow!

You ruined the integrity I've ever seen in the last moment.

Everyone watched the movie Hall Pass. It is not great. What a treat.

Which is faster, hot or cold?

Which is faster, hot or cold?

Which is faster?

Hot or cold? Which is faster? That's a sentence. Which is faster, hot or cold?

Which is faster, hot or cold? Well, wait.

It's saying hot or cold or which is faster?

When you get really cold, cells slow down. When you get really hot, they speed up. So I would say hot.

Why though?

I just explained the science of it. Oh, let me do some science in a way that you'll be able to understand it. If you've got blood, and sugar, and a big bowl, and you taste some, and it's a spoon, JPC the spoon, the hot will taste faster.

Okay, you win. Hot because you can't catch cold. Hot because you can catch cold.

Erin, what is too tired?

I'm too tired.

I know it's a bicycle. Is that your rap name?

It's when, yeah, it's when I... Like two chains too tired? Too tired! Yeah, but you're in a car that's been driving for a long time.

Ooh!

You are a mathematician. If you are cold, where do you get warm? How do I do apples? Speaking of cold and warm.

You're a mathematician. If you're cold, where do you get warm?

Where do you go to get warm? Oh, you go to the summer, summertime, S-U-M.

No, that's clever though.

Okay.

I mean it.

You go to your new condo, you're able to afford it because you cosigned with your father.

Because you solved that Good Will Hunting problem. You're a mathematician, where do you go to get warm? Is that what it was?

The Calcu radiator.

Oh Celsius.

Oh Celsius. I'll do it Erin. I'll do it. That's a dead stop. That is a dead ass stop.

I did it. I did it. It wasn't me this time.

It wasn't me this time. You were so proud of yourself when you said Celsius like that could possibly be the answer. Oh, I don't know Celsius. Oh, a place called Celsius.

You ever heard of them? Where does a mathematician go to get warm? It's got to be some sort of pun.

Yeah, is this a pun?

So what are some math words that correlate with warmth? Hot. Math. Hot. Hot.

Geography. Calculator spa. The Calculus triangle square. Protractor. Pythagoreum sauna. Coal calculator.

Hot coal calculator.

Wow, this can go on forever. Wow. It can, but it won't. To the corner where it's 90 degrees. That one's not going to Riddle Court. That one's going to the Riddle Hall of Fame.

Well, it's got to get the votes.

You have to be voted into the Hall of Fame? Yes. Every Hall of Fame?

No. Not like at McDonald's or something. But sports or music?

Wait, McDonald's is a Hall of Fame? Sure, employees. Sorry, Double Cheeseburger. It's just not your year, baby.

But I'm a staple.

Hey, fuck off. You're not getting in. Medium fries, right this way.

So technically, if I were to campaign to get into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, I would just need the votes.

Yes. Who's voting? I think it's like you have to you have to have been around for like 25 years and then you have to be voted in I think by your peers like peers and then in like a board some sort of board.

Erin's been around for 25 years. Who gets to vote? Who's like you're rock and roll enough now you are part of the voting committee.

Dr. Rock'n'Roll.

Yeah, what the hell? Okay, we are going on to a listener-submitted riddle and it's you.

Listener-submitted ribble! Grind your cousin!

Grind your cousin!

Grind on your cousins!

Okay, and if you want to submit a riddle to us, email us at hrrpodcast.

And send us a picture of you grinding on your cousin.

And it would be awesome, exactly. Well don't, I don't know, hold on. I would definitely have the sub- Grinding pepper on your cousin. The Riddle submission, just so we can make sure to find you. And let us know if you want us to include your name or not in that email.

So this is from Emily W. And if you don't want us to include your name, we will include the default name of Dick Peppers.

Are we ready? Yes. So this is from Emily, a man and a woman want to get married, however the woman's father does not want the couple together at all. They decide to run away together to get married instead. On the planned escape day, the man crawled up to the woman's window and saw one thing on her bed that immediately told him they could not run away together today. What was the thing?

Her dead body.

Yeah, Emily W. submitted that and that's what that riddle was. It was her dead body.

Wait a second, that doesn't necessarily mean... No. I had the time of my life with your dead body.

Is it the Dirty Dancing Lift when she's dead?

Dead body dancing? Man, all the things that you could do with a dead body...

What? Oh, I was just going to say, nobody puts dead body in the corner. It's 9 degrees there. You don't put dead body in the corner.

Nobody puts dead body in the corner.

It's 9 degrees, too hot for a dead body.

I've been doing comedy quite some time now.

Nobody puts dead body in the corner. I've been saying these are my puppets.

I am for you.

Hey Uncle Bob, let's go birdwatching. As soon as they're done with their first line of dialogue, what you're going to want to do is start to laugh, yell, I'm insane, these are my puppets. Pick that person up, put them in the suitcase, and then take a deep bow.

And then do a 20 minute monologue, end of show.

Hold for laughter, and you're going to be holding for a while. Not because the laughter's so long, because it's not good. It'll come in waves. It'll come in waves for sure.

Are we ready for the answer?

Yes. Can you give us a hint? Wait, wait, wait. The answer was not our dead body?

Yeah, it was not our dead body.

He crawled up to his... I legit thought that was just the answer.

I stopped guessing.

You didn't hear Erin dress me down for five minutes? I did, but I thought that was normal. So, Dad doesn't want it to happen. He crawls up to it on the night of the escape, which is a weird way to phrase that, not that they just ran away together, and he saw something on her bed that said, let him know that it's not gonna happen. Was it like a gun or something?

Nope, it's wordplay.

Wordplay. It's not gonna happen, and it's wordplay. It was a non-comforter. It was what's on our bed.

Um, an Afghan man. Her dad. It was... He saw something on the bed that says it's not gonna happen.

Was it another man?

No.

Was it a person? Wordplay. Does it have to do with like marriage puns? Mm-hmm. Okay. It was a divorce. It was a divorce. Cold feet. Shotgun wedding. It was an elope. Antelope. Antelope. It was not a lope. It was a cantaloupe.

Yeah!

Cantaloupe. Biddy Biddy Bob. Funky Funky. Remember that?

Round your cousin. Round your cousin.

Round your cousin. Round your cousin.

Round your cousin. Round your cousin. Round your cousin. Round your cousin.

Round your cousin.

Round your cousin.

Round your cousin.

I have great cousins, but that's not what I want to talk about right now. I'll talk about my cousins. Follow us at HeyRiddleRiddle on Instagram and Twitter, and email us at our podcast at gmail.com. Also, subscribe to our Patreon. We have bonus episodes every Friday. We release one, and it's $5 for a full month of bonus content. You can follow me, Erin Keif, at ErinKeif10 on Instagram. I'll plug my shows there. JPC, you can find him with a raccoon penis in his mouth.

And a smile on his face. Bless my heart.

Alright, let's plug some of my cousins. Let's plug Steve. Steve is a lawyer. Let's plug, man, who do we want to plug? Oh boy, oh boy. Top cousins. Who are my top cousins? Let's plug John. He's a little boy. Let's plug Let's plug Cole. I think he's in high school now. Let's plug Jim. Jim is sick. He's sick? No, she's two months older than me, born in November of the same year. God, those are some of my cousins. Tune in for more. If you want to hear more about my cousins, you can follow my cousin's Instagram at sharkbarkman.

We also have a new podcast coming out on Headgum. As Erin mentioned, it's called I Have Great Cousins, but that's not what I want to talk about.

The podcast is called, I have cousins, Faka, could you milk me? Which is something I've said a thousand times on this show. You can follow me on Twitter at JPsofly.

You can follow me on Twitter at Adal Rifai. Follow me on Instagram, sametang. And check us out at World News Tonight. Check out Sibling Specular. Check out Hello from the Magic Tavern. Check out other podcasts on the Headgum Network. They have some great shows. I enjoy a plethora of them. One of my favorites that I'll toss a shout out to is Punch Up the Jams.

And then we are leaving a pause in here for no fucking reason or for them to respond or what?

For them and their cars to go, yeah!

And Erin, when you get in your car, what's the noise that you make?

JUPITER! Vroom vroom!

Bye forever.

This has been Hey Riddle Riddle, created by Adal Rifai, starring Erin Keif and John Patrick Coan. AG Snyder did the editing, and already parented the music. Logo created by Emily Cardamus and Emo Eno Lawrence.

That was a Headgum podcast.