Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Phoebe, Phoebe, Phoebe, Phoebe.

It's Hey Riddle Riddle. I'm Adal Rifai. I'm JPC. And I'm Erin Keif. Adal, what happens if that person still exists, is still alive, and they hear this and they're like, that's my name. Do they say it like an old-timey sailor ghost? I guess it's a distribution.

That's my name.

And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for you kids and your haunted dog.

Scooby-boo! And we did it, right? Anything to plug?

I mean, oh boy. Let's see a scene that's just plugs. Who is our old man, Puzzy?

Well my good man, you know it's me and you know that I am going to be acting as old man Puzzys for this episode.

And I'm doing well, thanks for asking.

Erin, how are you doing?

I'm okay.

Thanks for asking. We saw that police report.

The one that I wrote and the one that I'm the star of.

We saw the one that you pinned. They don't often give credit to the author of those police reports.

I saw in the police report that you went into a 7-Eleven with a gun and put cash into the register and said, that's for you, sweetie.

Yeah, they yelled, I'm the next Mother Teresa, and grabbed the stickers and ran out.

Yeah, the police report also said that that gun was made of bubble tape.

It was.

Okay. Six feet of bubble tape. Six feet of gun. Wow, what a slogan, huh?

And we're ready for some puzzles.

What a slow gun. Oh, you're truly the worst. I want to see a scene.

You're one of the worst. I want to see the quickest scene. Erin, you're robbing a store. You have a slow gun, so when you shoot it, the bullet takes a real long time. And JPC, you are a clerk who's, it's 2am, and you're tired, and you're too tired for this job.

Oh, well, you know what time it is. I'm sorry? Time to rob you. What? And when you're here, you're family. Give me your money.

Are you drunk?

Are you drunk?

Yes.

Okay, well then. It's 2am. Good to meet you, I guess. We're in the same boat. Can I please have the money?

Uh, yeah, I'm not just gonna give you the money. I'm gonna have to see some sort of identification or weapon.

Alright, well, here's my slogan.

Your what?

My slogan.

Can you stop that?

So you want to file a police report? You said that somebody pulled a gun on you and what you yelled was, I have cash, fucker.

Can you rob me?

Wait, bullets slowly going into your head.

Am I going to jail for what I said? Because I should.

Old man puzzles us. Okay, I have

Prepared. Some warm-up puzzles. These are just puzzles and riddies, and they're going to help warm you up and really get your brains working. And if you're a first-time listener to the show, welcome to the show. This is Hey Riddle Riddle. One of the things that we do on the show is we ask riddles and puzzies to my two co-hosts here, and they're gonna try to come up with their... Please, coasts. Coasts. My Coasts with the Mo Hosts. And they're going to come up with some pretty razor sharp quick answers to these warm up riddles. Now remember, these are warm up riddles. They're designed to be easy. Are you ready for your first warm up riddle?

Yes.

Yes. Are they designed to be easy or you just chose them? By design, they are easy. Yes, I design these specifically and subjectively to be... Oh, these are JPC made? No, these are JPC curated.

It's like your home brews.

Your fucking garbage IPAs. First of all, I told you I just didn't have enough yeast. So, I want another shot at you guys drinking my Homebro.

We drank it from the bathtub.

Well, I didn't have hops, so I used corn pops.

Oh, no.

This is getting worse and worse. Okay. How do you make the number one disappear? No, that's right. Subtract. How do you make the number one zero?

You put it on stage, put it in a magician's assistant costume, and then you put it behind a curtain thing, and then you put the curtain back.

I could see a number one wearing like a very slinky sexy dress.

Yeah, same logic. You put that one in a magician's assistant costume, you put it in a box, you saw it in half, now you have two halves of a one, and you bend those and you put them together, that's a zero.

Two halves of a one bit together is a zero. Bent. Gotta get them bent. Alright, Matchbox 20. How do you make a one disappear? That's not the question. The question is not how do you make a one a zero. How do you make a one disappear?

How do you make a one disappear?

How do you make a one disappear? Take off her glasses, let down her hair, and then hit her with a truck.

I know how to make a one disappear. She's all flat.

No, the question was not how do you make... I'm sorry, yes. How do you make the number one disappear?

You guys miss my joke about I can make the one disappear.

Oh, because you could talk to someone who is ostensibly the one and then they would leave. You also miss my She's All Flat joke.

I heard it. I loved it.

One of the big recurring problems in the show is we're all doing a thousand jokes so fast. And just like our improv, we're not listening at all.

Well, I love she's all flat because it ends with the song by Sixpeds None the Flatter because flat me. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Dead stop. Dead stop.

Sixpeds None the Flatter and the song flat me. And in the music video, they pop that girl's tits.

What?

That's how they make her fun.

What's the answer to the riddle?

Surprisingly, it's not pop that girl's tits. Surprisingly, that's not even close. These are easy riddles and they're supposed to be for sure easy.

Real quick check-in. We're all insane.

I don't know what mood this is. We've been driven insane.

How do you make a one disappear? Is it a math related? Is it like a math pun?

It's not. It's a, I guess, a clever kind of wordplay here. Let me rephrase the question you'll get it. How do you make the number one gone? Oh, add a G. Yeah, you add a G. So how do you make one disappear?

You add a G and it's gone. Pretty good. GONG! Girl, gong girl.

GONG, girl. Honestly, I heard that originally they had cast a gong to play that part and it just didn't work out.

Which part? Girl? Ben Affleck's part.

Honestly, you could replace Ben Affleck with a gong in most movies and it would be better. Gong wheel hunting. Art Gong. Art Gong, fuck yourself. I'm Alan Art Gong.

What's that movie we tried to think of last night? Geely?

Julie, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's in there. Say it.

Gongly.

Gongly. Gongly. That Gong.

That Gong versus Supergong. Gong of Justice. I watch a Gong cheat on its wife.

Oh.

No, that's what, what Gong Girl is.

Oh, is it? Yeah. Yeah. I've only read the book. They cut off Neil Patrick Harris's penis.

Do you think I was just enthusiastically supporting adultery?

Yes.

We've done one, Riddle. We've done one, Riddle. We've done one, Riddle.

We've done one, Riddle.

We've done one, Riddle.

We've done one, Riddle.

We've done one, Riddle. We've done one, Riddle. We've done one, Riddle. We've done one, Riddle. We've done one, Riddle. We've done one, Riddle. We've done one, Riddle. We've done one, Riddle. We've done one, Riddle. We've done one, Riddle. We've done one, Riddle. We've done one, Riddle. We've done one, Riddle.

We've done one, Riddle. We've done one, Riddle. We've done one, Riddle. We've done one, Riddle.

We've done one, Riddle. We've done one, Riddle. We've done one, Riddle. We've done one, Riddle. We've done one, Riddle.

I think that's a head but no neck.

A giraffe. We don't know. They're too high up.

What is a neck but no head? A turtleneck sweater? It's a giraffe that won't give a blowjob.

A turtleneck sweater.

I'm not going to give you a blowjob until you take a shower.

You're a giraffe! A turtleneck sweater is good. I think that passes the smell test. Is it an article of clothing? No. The turtleneck sweater? Yes. What's the question? How are you wearing it?

What has a neck like a lamp?

What has a neck like a lamp?

Is it like a clam?

It's clamp. It's a clamp.

What is it?

No, no, what is it? What is a neck but no head. That's not what the show is. Bottles have necks.

Baby. Yeah, bottle service. Baby bottle service. Oh wow, baby bottle service. Let's make a club for babies. I want to see a scene. Erin, you are a nurse who works delivering babies. Adal, you have just been born but you're super smart and you're trying to order baby bottle service from this nurse.

Oh my gosh. Oh gosh, you're covered in blood. Why have so much hair?

I'm covered in blood?

What?

Is that what you said?

Oh my God, are you talking?

Yeah, look who's talking. Me. Baby wants some booze.

Okay, there's an umbilical cord still attached to you, so give me a second.

Okay.

Do you want your dad to cut it or do you just...?

I don't care.

Okay.

What's your job again?

What's my job again?

What's your age again? Do your fucking age job.

What the heck are you talking about?

Here's what I want you to do, baby. I want you to- You're the baby. I want you to cut the- You're peeing. I want you to cut the pillow- You're peeing.

You're just peeing right now.

What am I supposed to- I can't reach my dick.

You could! What do you mean you're not a dinosaur?

I don't want to. Here's what I want you to do. I want you to take one end of it, I want you to dump it, okay? And a bottle of Johnnie Walker. Green label, okay?

You want me to take your umbilical cord that was just attached to the inside of your mother, the person who gave you life, and put it in Johnnie Walker?

Yeah.

Green label. Okay, I'll tell you what. If you give me 150 bucks, I'll do this. First, I gotta put a soft little hat on you.

Does it look like I have a 50 on me? I'll give you $200, you give me change.

How do you have money on you?

Nurse Erin, can I see you in my office for a second? We've been getting some reports that you've been taking the anesthetic after working hours and getting super high.

Hey Riddle. $80,000.

I like that you were looking it up as you were saying it. How much does Cuddy make on house? Is that a character's name? Yeah. In a medical drama there's a character named Cuddy. Cuddy. Oh, Cuddy.

I was like, that's insensitive. We found out he was a surgeon.

Yeah, Cuddy. No, Cuddy is the... My team, Cuddy, Scalpy. There's EMTT.

Cuddy, Riddle Repulsa. Okay, yes, the answer is bottle. I have one eye, but cannot see. Pirate. Yes, it's a pirate. A needle. Yes, Erin. Ooh, nice one. Erin, my dear.

I think we may have had that one.

Yeah, we probably did.

For a brief moment, Dear Diary, today at Hey Riddle Riddle, the boys looked at me with admiration in their eyes and a song in their heart.

I don't believe you. GPC.

Damn it, Diary.

Erin's writing in a copy of Anne Frank's Diary. I don't think that's a copy. That's the original. That belonged to the museum.

It's sort of like I'm writing to her.

National treasure. Whip. What do Erin and Nicholas Cage have in common?

A general confidence.

Ever-changing hairstyles. I was going to say they're both national treasures.

Never made good content, not even once.

Millions of dollars of debt. They're both Francis Ford Coppola's nephew.

Yes, that's right. Erin's godfather is the godfather. Okay, cool. What needs an answer but doesn't have a question? Riddy or Puzzy? Riddy or Puzzy. Oh, I'm sorry. Everyone on the show is allowed to ask me if it's a riddle or a puzzle. This one is a puzzle. What has an answer but no question?

Yeah. What has an answer but doesn't have a question? Oh, Philadelphia 76ers from 1994 to 2006. Okay. Alan Iverson. Alan Iverson.

Nickname was the answer. The answer. But there was a question, and that question was, basketball? Erin, you said phone call?

Yeah, something stupid like that.

Yeah, it's probably like a doorbell. Or a door. Yeah, both of those work. The answer that I have here is a telephone. We've heard that one before. Yeah, most likely, of course. I like there's no apology. It's just like, yeah, of course. I think we've definitely had this one before, but I like it anyway. What letter in the alphabet holds the most water? C. Okay, the answer is the C, but now I want to hear you come up with other letters and other answers for those letters. What letter in the alphabet holds the most water? Oh. Okay, explain. Just because it's a big round. Oh yeah.

Oat can hold probably the most water. It's basically an eye cut in half and then bent and put together.

Pee when it's hydrated.

Erin, nice.

Pee, yes. Because your bladder is full of what isn't technically water, but you can drink four or five times before it becomes toxic.

What bladder has no rungs? A bladder. That's the one I just... I'm still workshopping that one. Next week, we'll listen to that one.

Next week, we'll really tear the shit out of you for saying that stupid shit.

But for this week, we'll look this way. Not a B. Not an A. I'm going to start from the back.

Z. No, I'll go from the front. Why?

Why did you just get it there? What's longer? Are you going through the ball later? Ah yes, Visine. There's a Visine for that.

Oh, it's probably an H. Mm-hmm. Cuz 2-0.

Yeah, H holds two O's. Ooh. Okay, one on top, one on bottom. What letter of the alphabet holds the most O's? H. H. Yes, you both got it correct. Dem hold them too. What goes up, but never moves. What goes up, I'm sorry. What goes up and down, but never moves. I'm so tired I just gave live birth. Can we do this right now? You all did exemplary with those warm-up riddles. And that means... Exemplary is a French for like shit. Merde. Merde. But now that you are all warmed up and your brains are really flowing, Erin you just took a sip of something called Dr. Piss. The rumors are true.

It's the Dr. Pepper I make in my bag. But I didn't have yeast.

That's a first for you, right? A BOO! Unless she buys it, if she buys it from Walmart, then it's Piss Thunder. Piss Thunder. Big piss.

Is Kmart Big K?

Kmart still exists?

No. No, it must.

What happened to it? All that piss.

I can't tell.

I think all K-Marts closed.

Okay.

Really? Yeah, I think so. Damn, that's sad. Mom and Pops. Went the way of Walden books. Mm-hmm. Who? Exactly. Where's Walden?

Or it also went the way of every bookstore, every book reseller that wasn't Amazon. There's a bunch of noble for that. And Amazon's closing all their pop-up stores. Really? I think that they don't know, they don't give a fuck about anything anymore. They're fucking evil geniuses. I don't know, they had those like automated stores that you would like go in and you're your own cashier.

Yeah. There's one on South

Yeah, there's one in like Ogilvy, I think. They're closing all of them though. They are experiment ran its course.

Okay.

Cool. Erin, any plugs?

Yeah. Amazon pop-up stores.

Mom and pop-up stores. Oh damn. Erin's wearing a big t-shirt that says Amazon pop-up stores are closing.

My last name is Amazon.

Erin Amazon. Oh no.

They married it to the Amazon thing.

That's a two-day stop. Erin has two speeds, and they're both real slow.

She has two speeds, a copy of speed and a copy of speed two. If this boat goes faster than this bus... What happens in speed two?

It's a boat.

It's a Dennis Hopper. Dennis Hopper, it's in Australia, and there's a boat instead of a bus. Sandra Bullock's still in it, Keanu Reeves gone. Keanu Reeves is gone, but Bullock is in it.

I don't see why.

Can I say something before we get into the main riddles? Yes. You may immediately correct me. Okay. But I don't think I've ever seen a movie with Sandra Bullock in it that I didn't enjoy. I think she's... No. She doesn't come to the top of my head when I think of my favorite actor.

What about that new one that everybody hated?

Oh yeah.

Miss Congeniality too.

Miss Congeniality is amazing.

I've just seen the second one. Oh, you know what I hated? I hated the one with Bradley Cooper in it where she was trying to like stalk him. What was that called? The Net. No, that's a good movie.

I don't remember.

But you know what I'm talking about, right?

She's like blonde in it.

Yeah, she's blonde and he's handsome.

You saw that?

I did see that, yeah. If I haven't seen it, it's still good. On accident. Um, no, I don't remember why I saw it, but it's like she, it's like, I mean, it's, she's like a stalker in it and it's very uncomfortable throughout the whole movie. Like you're supposed to be on her side, but she's like... Oh, the blind side? It's called the blind side. Yeah.

Um, did you see Birdbug?

Mm-hmm. I thought the movie was meh, but I thought she was great. Interesting.

So you loved gravity.

I did. You love the proposal? Uh, I did. You're gonna love this movie.

You're dying on this hill.

If you love naked, wet Ryan Reynolds slapping up against naked, wet Sandy B. Ooh, you're gonna love the proposal.

Some of the best white people in the world.

Ooh, that's a white sandwich. That's two white pieces of bread and all that is in the middle, baby.

Can we change the name of the show to some of the best white people in the world?

Yeah, but then you can't be honest with me. Oh, shit. All right. All white people decide we have some riddles for the show today. Yeah. This one's called the nonstop elevator trip. The canonical sound that an elevator makes. Ding! Oh nice, that was very nice.

I almost believed I was on an elevator. My boyfriend lives in a building that has a doorman, I know, he lives in a building, he's a keeper, that has a doorman and an elevator and I've been going up and down the elevator like alone sometimes and people are so friendly and I'm like, you think I live here and that I'm rich. And it's a fun character that I get to play for like 30 seconds at a time.

Do you say that out loud?

Yes, we both live here and you're rich and I'm rich as well.

My name is Erin Amazon.

And they say, have a good day. And I go, you too.

My girlfriend lives in a building that has a boat man named Sharan and you pay him a coin and he'll take you to the other side and I get to see my girlfriend. Oh, is she dead in hell?

No, she... Are we dead and she's in the hole?

I'm alive. I cross the river sticks into hell. She is Hades. What was Penelope? Didn't she go down to hell and she ruled it or something like that? Persephone? That's the one? Penelope? Who was Phoebe on Friends? That's what I'm thinking.

I'm not dating anyone and they don't live in buildings.

My building is a stair man who's a man who stares at me as I walk into my building. Yeah, makes me non-stop uncomfortable. The non-stop elevator trip. Kevin got to his appointment on time. But if you get in an elevator, it sure can take a long time. I have a way to beat that system too. What's your way?" he asked. I just get in, and when the elevator first stops, I get out. She replied. He couldn't figure out how that strategy would save any time. Can you? Okay, that was a real word salad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure, for sure. But I do want to just acknowledge that I did change the names to Kevin and Susie in a pretty flawless way.

Yeah, and we're celebrating you right now.

Oh, a cake? This is my cake?

This is an intervention, I mean celebration.

Well, the cake says you're a heroin addict.

Well, there's no judgment. There's no punctuation, so you take it as you want. Could be celebratory, could be accusatory. A kick that says, you are a heroin addict, but it has no punctuation.

You can interpret that in so many different ways.

Our faces are neutral.

You're a heroin addict, Dash. Get in front of the sentence. What do you say?

Dot dot dot.

Dot dot dot, you're a heroin addict. Could you read it again?

Yes I could, but I choose not to because you need to listen.

I am listening.

But leave out the garbage? Alright, yes. I'll try to read it again, but leave out the garbage. Kevin got to his appointment on time. I was worried about those elevators for a minute, said Kevin, but I figured out a way to get here faster. Then he explained his reasoning. Never thought of that, said Susie, who worked there and greeted him. But if you just get in an elevator, it sure can take a long time. I have a way to beat the system, too. What's your way? He asked. I just get in, and when the elevator first stops, I get out. She replied. He couldn't figure out how that strategy would save any time. Can you?

Well, it's a two-story building with an elevator. They're rich.

My guess is, like, that is... was that as well? But, you know, what a building that is two stories have an elevator?

Yeah.

For... For accessibility.

Assessability. For sexability.

Oh. Can you fuck? Then you ride this elevator.

Do I have sexability? I would say barely. Can you fuck me, fucker? I can fuck me, fucker. Can you fuck me? All right. Were they on a high floor in an office building? Yes. Did the building have separate groups of elevators to serve separate ranges of floors? Yes. Could anyone get into a crowded elevator on the ground floor and reasonably expect to get directly to the floor where Kevin was without having the elevator stop at other floors first? No. So you can't just get in and reasonably expect to get all the way up to Kevin's floor. And it doesn't say it in here, but Kevin got to his appointment on time. It is a therapy appointment because Kevin is insane.

Okay, I think I know the answer.

What is it?

I think this is a Wonka-vator. I think Kevin is Mr. Kevin Wonka, the grandfather of Willie, of William. It's a glass elevator.

And Adal, I have explained to you before that Wonka-vators are not real things, and you keep masturbating on elevators.

No, no, no. When I masturbate on a Wonka-vator, it goes up ways, sideways, Wonka-ways. And it tastes like a schnozberry.

You know, I got into the wrong... On my second SNL audition, I got into the wrong elevator bay and then went to a floor and you have to like have a card to reopen an elevator and I didn't have that card. So for 45 minutes before my audition, I was stuck. And I was like, and then no one's gonna know and my phone couldn't be in the service. Where?

You were on a floor.

I was on a floor somewhere in 30 Rock.

Did you go into that floor?

No, well because you need a key card to get through the door to the floor. Was there stuff going on around you? No, because I think it was like late at night on like a Thursday.

Was there a call button?

No, there's nothing. I think it might have been the Seth Meyers, no, no, the Tonight Show floor-ish, or their offices or something. And so I was just banging on the glass being like, HELP ME!

Okay. It'd be funny if Seth Meyers is doing his show and his backdrop behind his desk is just an outline of you banging on the... We're gonna see a quick scene.

We're gonna see a quick scene. Erin, you are stuck in a... what would we call that? Like an entryway? Or like the hallway of an elevator bank? Yeah. And Adal, you're gonna play a kindly old janitor who is answering her distress call.

Oh gosh. Help! Help! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me!

Help me!

Help me! Help me! Help me!

Help me! Help me!

Help me! Help me!

Help me!

Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me!

Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me!

Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me!

Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me!

Help me! Help me!

Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me!

And I'm named Kadabra after all my dead relatives.

Is your mop and pasta sauce instead of water?

It's marinara.

Did you mop up marinara or are you putting the marinara down on the ground to clean?

Let me ask you something. When you eat at a nice Italian restaurant, say you're at an Olive Garden, when you have marinara on the plate and you have some bread, what do you do with it? You probably mop it up.

Yeah.

Same logic applies.

Oh, does it?

This is my wife, a bucket.

Oh, okay.

Mrs. Bucket.

I see with the googly eyes.

I miss you, Bucket. Feel me up. I miss you, Bucket. Oh, that's Mr. Bucket.

That's her ex-husband.

Well, this seems complicated, but I do need your help. Do you have one of those keys that will get you back on the elevator so you can go down to the first floor?

Yes, of course. What are you doing in the building, can I ask?

Just disappointing myself and letting my dreams die soon enough.

Can I see?

You'll see soon enough when I am not hired by that show.

Can I hear some of your audition on the Hey Riddle Riddle Patreon?

Yeah, you can. Or I could do a character right now. Are you ready? I'm Mr. Bucket. Fill me up.

Hey, what the fuck? I'm Mr. Bucket.

Mr. Bucket, fill me up.

It's funnier than anything I've ever heard.

Did you say, feel me up? Yeah, feel me up. Mr. Bucket, feel me up. What is the Mr. Bucket song?

Mr. Bucket, the balls go into my mouth. Or no, I'm Mr. Bucket. The balls go into my top. I'm Mr. Bucket. They come out of my mouth. I'm Mr. Bucket. Buckets are fun. Why was that ever a sign? I think if the balls go into my top, they come out of my mouth. If you play your cards right, balls go in the mouth.

If the balls can come out of the mouth, the balls can go right back in. That's the JPZ promise.

I think the answer... She goes out, and then she goes back in.

What did you say?

Try to figure out the real answer to this.

What did you just say?

She goes out and then she comes back in. Oh.

Like, if she... Oh, I see what you're saying. It's on the... Okay.

Yeah. I don't know. I'm having, like, bits and pieces of what I think this might be.

You're having, like, momento-like flashes.

Yeah.

You're like, what is this woman? Why is this guy shooting me? You're looking at tattoos all over your body. You remember putting insulin into your husband, Mr. Bucket.

Just Bucket.

Um... I don't know. Are elevators what they call stairs in this made up world?

Yeah stairs are called lifts and elevators are called shoes.

Okay. Can you give us a hint or like another hint?

So one of the biggest hints is that this is a building that has separate groups of elevators that serve separate ranges of floors.

So our two-story answer could still hold true, but it's just like a certain section?

I don't understand how your two-story answer could hold true because it's way more than two stories.

If there's different elevator banks, some go from like lobby to floor 30, some go from 30 to 80. There could be a bank that's in the middle that goes from like 30 to 31 to transfer. Because I've been in buildings where you have to transfer, where it's like you get off at 30, then you go to another bank and it goes from like 30.

Oh, interesting. Yeah, but you still would not I understand what you're saying, but no. You'd still have to get on two separate elevators.

I guess my answer then is I'm just not invested in this.

Yes, for sure. I'm getting that from both of you.

I'm deeply invested. I'm ready.

You're ready? I'm deeply invested. What's the answer? You're invested in the answer. Okay, gotcha. Alright, so the answer is... Unless there's any other hints. I mean the specific floor that they're on matters.

Can you give us that floor?

Basement.

They're in a basement.

That's a great answer. No, they're not in a basement. They're in a high floor of an office building. The roof. Like Erin said? No. Alright, the real answer... The floor was at the top of one range of floors, served by one group of elevators. So let's say it's at the very top of a range, so it's, you know, 1 to 30, and this is floor 30. Instead, Jill just uses an adjacent group of elevators that goes from 31 to 60, and then walks down one flight of stairs. So she always gets off at the very first floor, no matter what, and just has to walk down one flight of stairs. And her name is Susie, not Jill. And I don't know who put Jill in this.

Now I know it's been a long time, but I kind of want to take that to Riddle Court.

It's been a long time.

Alright, let's do Riddle Court. And we are all rise for Judge JPC in Riddle Court.

You know, I'm here typing down everything. R.I.B.C. to be seated. Judge J.P.C. is... Even me? Even you, my little mouse. Judge J.P.C.

presiding. Judgey Horny for truth. Your Honor, it's extremely unprofessional to be kissing the sedographer. What's that?

It's an extremely un... Mr. Mouse-ifer to you, sir. Ignore me.

My Stronographer... I can't ignore you.

You literally set your hair on fire and you're spinning. Okay. It is actually professional because, as we all know, my Stronographer is a retired Chuck E. Cheese mouse. So it is not a living creature, but a robot.

And I'm the other loyal. Are you defensive prosecution?

Prosecution. Can I ask, and I don't mean to make this a separate case, but how is a retired mouse still working?

What, is this a riddle? Are you asking a riddle on Riddle Court, son?

Why does she talk while she's slowly backing away? I'd love to. Mr. Prosecutor, what is your argument?

My argument, sir, is that this riddle- Please, serves my dad's name.

Your name?

What's that?

What's your name?

My name is just Judge J.P.C. I go by J.J., J.V.J.P.C.

Do you go by Judge P.C.? I go by Judge P.C. And that stands for Judge Politically Correct? It stands for Judge Reinholdt J.P.C. I just want to say that this elevator riddle that I've been forced to try and answer... I'll allow it.

It's bullshit. I'll allow it. Okay.

What evidence do you have to suggest that this is bullshit?

Well, an elevator that stops at the top in two different banks and then the person has to walk down. It's just, no one can come up with that answer. It's boring math.

We have our defenses that most riddles are more garbage than this. At least this made sort of sense and had some logic to it.

Your honor, the defendant is extremely southern. She keeps mopping her bra.

That's a defense attorney. That's a defendant. The defendant is the riddle.

What's law?

How dare you? I'm wearing a seersucker lady suit, I'm dabbing my forehead, and I am the defense attorney again, which is so much more boring than being a prosecutor, but you haven't brought one witness to the stand.

Your honor, I'd like to see you dabbing on your forehead on your hater's grave.

All right, Mr. Foreman, I think I've... Please, George. All right, Georgie. Boy, my muxed boy. I think I've reached a verdict. I won't need you. You and the jury.

No witnesses. There were no witnesses in this case and no evidence.

Well, you're correct. It was a longer case than most that we see here. I'm ready to read my ruling. My ruling is as it stands. This riddle was excellent. This riddle was perfect. And I find you, Mr. Prosecutor, guilty. Guilty of wasting this court's time. So I sentence you to do a riddle podcast until you die every day. Well, Your Honor, would you please grant me a break?

Let's take a quick break and we'll be right back with more Riddies and Puzzies. Hey guys, you know what my one of my favorite things is in the world? Erin Keif's self-respect. No, I hate both those things.

I don't allow for either of them.

For sure, for sure. Ripley's Believe It or Not. You know where I like Ripley's Believe It or Not? Same name from the girl from Alien. Cause what?

Same name from the girl from Alien.

Cause Ripley, that's, what's her name's... Character in Alien. Mini Driver, who plays Ripley, right? Nope. Well Ripley's Believe It or Not gives you an option, right? Just like Bink's new game, buy it or don't.

Oh, I've heard about this. Now, Binks Games Buy It or Don't. That is going to launch a Kickstarter on Friday, March 29th. Is that correct?

That's correct. The Kickstarter is launching March 29th. It's a party game where you and your friends hilariously craft terrible, one-of-a-kind products by combining AD Scriptor, a noun, and a slogan card. And then, you get to try and convince the investor player to buy it.

Okay, so if I'm trying to convince you, I'm gonna draw a, let's see, a descriptor card, a noun card, and a slogan card, and then how long do I have to convince you to buy it? You have 13 seconds. Okay, so mine is the lemon-scented cadaver, and the slogan is, your prayers have been answered. Now, we've seen you at church. You're praying over the corpse of your loved one. They've been taken by some terrible tragedy, but what invariably happens? They stink. It smells awful. So, what do you do? Take a little lemon pledge, spray it inside the mouth until all you can smell is lemon scent. Boom! You got the Lemonset at Cadaver. Available now.

Lemonset on your cadaver's grave for now. Erin, the one I have that I'm gonna pitch to you is a glow-in-the-dark mermaid. You know when you fall in love with a mermaid and then it goes back into the dark depths of the ocean and you can't find it and you have a date and you're like, oh boy, are they gonna show up or is this over? Are they ghosting me? Right? Now with glow-in-the-dark mermaid, you can follow them across the Atlantic or Pacific or Indian. Two more, two more? Or the other two oceans to find out where they are. Glow in the Dark Mermaid Mother's Day is right around the corner.

I have, here you go, JPC, are you ready? Yes, I am. Automatic taco.

So here... I'm listening.

People are addicted to tacos all over. People love tacos. It's a real addiction. But the issue with tacos is you just can't stop eating them. They're too delicious. Automatic taco cuts you off all on its own. It doesn't need a human to do it for you. You get cut off from your tacos. Automatic tacos, your bathroom will never be the same.

So that's an example of what you can expect in the game. Buy it or don't. I played this the other day just like we played it right now. I played it the other day. It's an absolute blast. It's a perfect amount of already written for you words, but then also you get to have a ton of creativity with it so the person itself gets to get heavily involved in the pitch session. I can't recommend this enough. It fits in your pocket. Very easy to travel with.

Yo yeah, it's small. So go to Kickstarter.com, search for buy it or don't. It's Binks Games. That's B-I-N-K-S Games. And we really hope that this thing funds so much money that they can afford to make these cards. Humongous. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So big that you can't even hold them.

It's been very convenient to have them in my purse. No, no, no, no, no.

I keep them in my butt. This is Binks' game? Binks' game. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Is this game created by Jar Jar Binks? This is one of Jar Jar Binks' games. He's really trying to pivot.

Honestly, let's help that guy out.

Honestly, what we did to him as a society is awful and wrong.

We need to do a tone for our sins.

We need to buy his game.

Buy it or don't, but buy it. So the game is called buy it or don't, but buy it.

Oh yeah, this ad company is really hard here because the game is called buy it or don't, but we want you to buy it. Or don't.

But buy it.

But who's at first? Okay, and now back to this episode. Welcome back to Hey Riddle Riddle.

And we are back.

Just for anyone listening, the results of that Riddle court was that they were all summarily executed. Oh yeah, oh yeah. That's good though, that's good. We did D.W. the World. This one's called Making the Grade. Suddenly, Susie, a college student with a straight A average, went into her professor's office. She told the receptionist she was worried about her grade on the final paper for the course. Is there some way... I can be notified of my final grade as soon as possible, said Susie. The receptionist replied, if you hand in a self-addressed stamped postcard with your term paper, the professor will write the grade on it and mail it to you as soon as the paper is graded. This happens nowhere. That's much faster than... This happened in the 90s. That's much faster than waiting for a transcript. Oh, said Susie, but I don't think I can do that. Why not?

She lives on a boat. She lives on a train.

She's poor. Erin, you're right, she lives on boat train. Train for boats.

She's Canadian. She's going to turn into a bird as soon as she graduates college because a witch put a curse on her. She doesn't write papers.

She doesn't write papers, she wraps them.

So self-addressed postcard with a stamp.

It's a self-addressed stamped postcard and she's like, I can't do that and there's a reason.

She lives in a boring city that doesn't sell postcards.

She lives in a place where you can't send mail or get mail.

Huh, she lives in a place where you can't send mail or get mail. Like a federal prison?

Like a cave! Like a cave, JPC!

Alright, Erin.

Listen to me!

I want to see a scene. You are a tutor for hire, and you have just shown up at this place. You are supposed to tutor a boy who lives at this place. This is a cave, and Adal, you are a caveman from the distant past, and you are the one who is being tutored. A cave boy.

Ding dong, I guess.

Oh, just roll the rock away.

I don't think you're overestimating my physical... I'll get it.

Hello.

Hello.

Nice to meet you. My name is Cadaver.

Okay. Are you the boy I'm supposed to be tutoring?

Well.

Where are your parents?

Dead.

Dead?

Yeah, crush them with rock.

You crushed them with a rock.

Yeah, I played guitar. Crushed them with rock. Killed them. Melted face.

But they're alive.

They're alive.

Okay.

But I put on concert last night.

I've been burned before, so you know... You know what? I think you knew what I meant. I've been burned before.

Yeah, I play guitar.

I know what you mean. And I just want to make sure I'm going to get paid for this, because education isn't free.

Yeah. Okay, how much rate?

$40 an hour.

Seem like you were making that up?

Yeah, I'm just thinking teachers are underpaid. It should be more than that. It should be like $60 an hour. $60 an hour!

Okay, ad said 16.

Well, uh, you don't know numbers. That's why I'm here.

Fair enough. You have money.

Thank you. Oh, it's wet.

Nope. Sorry. It's okay.

Alright, so what do you want to learn?

I guess I want to learn about accounting.

You're a real Cookie Monster vibe.

Do I?

Yeah. You want to learn about accounting?

Yeah.

What are you going to do with accounting out here in these woods?

Are you here to teach or to judge?

I could do both.

Okay.

Oh, you were being facetious.

I was being a species.

No, a facetious.

Can you teach me what word mean?

I actually don't know if I could do a really good definition of that word.

What do you think the personality of the person are one listener who is left? What do you think their personality is like? They can't move their hands.

They're in a straitjacket.

They're stuck under a rock.

They're a Batman villain in Arkham Hospital. It's like a rear window situation where it's like they can hear it but they can't do anything about it.

Their neighbor left on their podcasting while they're on vacation. Oh god, it's these three gremlins.

Weeks from now someone's gonna roll back open a door, they're just gonna say like, Get me, Batchman!

Uh yes, this person's... Uh huh.

Yeah, I remember this. I would say that the biggest memory I have of this is that it was a bummer that the lake water didn't get him. If that makes sense. Does anyone understand what that means? What I mean by that?

Like he was in like a court, like an actual quarantine where they had to like lock the door. There's like an air seal, whatever. Yeah. For like 10 days. But when that kind of got lifted, bless you. When that kind of got lifted, I went to go visit him. Visiting him, they took a needle out of his arm and put it in the other arm because his arm was going numb. So they took it out of one arm and put it into the other, but as they were trying to put it into the other, they couldn't get a vein. Like they were threading it and if something was wrong or the vein popped or something. You said that with a shrug. That sounds horrible. What are your veins popped? The doctor couldn't be bothered. But as the doctor was doing that and being like, oh shoot, we had to put it back in the other arm, Brett was crying but laughing. And then he turns to the doctor or the nurse, I don't know what the position was, but they turn to the person and they go, This is how Batman villains are made. And she leaves and I go, Brett. And he's like, what? And I go, you can't say that. He goes, why not? And I'm like, now there's going to be like a cop at your door.

They're going to send you to psych. I wonder if that was before or after Brett Lyons accidentally danced back into me at Beauty Bar one. I was like, ooh, someone nudged my back. And it was him and he was dancing. And I was like, I would have never expected to see you here.

Was he doing like an Oarsman move? Probably.

He calls himself the Oarsman when he gets on the dance floor.

Come boo Brett Lyons at World News Tonight, every Saturday.

Not every Saturday. When he can be bothered. He'll never hear this. Do you guys want to finish this riddle or should we all just go fuck off?

Let's all go fuck off, I think.

Can you give us a hint? Yes, I can.

So I have several... Can you stop eating?

What's that?

What, nothing.

No, you never have to. If you do stop, you'll die. Oh, great. Oh, please keep eating. Yes, people love it when you eat on mic. And also just go ahead and smack that little mute button when you go to June for the... ASMRin. ASMRarin. ASMRarin.

I'm not going to smack the mute button.

Well we all did hear you just sneezed twice on Mike as well. But there's a viewpoint.

I don't hide who I am. Open book!

Which is why you are just having stepped out of the shower.

Yep. I don't hide who I am.

You don't hide in here, you step out of the shower, you smack right in the right of your top wet body.

I have my towel wrapped around my head, white on top.

It's so preposterous in that movie. I think what happens is he's listening to music on headphones, the proposal.

The one that you claim to see it in love.

There's an iconic scene, I think it's in the trailer, where they run into each other, they're both out of the showers and they smack their naked bodies against each other.

But they're in a platonic relationship, so uh oh.

It would be so difficult to accidentally press your naked body against someone else. Like, the situation where that is plausible and real in this world is nil.

Marry me so I can date you.

There's a line in that movie. It's not nil, it's Niles.

Also, a bird eats a dog in that movie, I think.

A bird eats a dog? I haven't seen this movie. I lied.

You haven't seen the proposal? Oh my gosh, your pants are on fire!

If you haven't seen the proposal, what you have to get, you have to get basic cable. Because you will see it. It's on TNT or TBS.

I've watched it in every hotel room I've ever been in.

I've watched the proposal legit in every continent.

Both of them. No, you've not been to more than one continent. That's not true. It's true.

Yeah, it is.

You watched it while you were in continent.

Yeah, I watched it while I was grabbing my pants. Yeah, I should have hit that mute button.

Your pants are on crap.

Your pants are on crap. Did Susie want a good grade on the course so that she was planning to have her paper properly written and handed in on or before the deadline? Yes. Did Susie want a good grade on the course so that she was planning to have her paper properly written hand in before the deadline? Yes. Did she have any reason to doubt the receptionist? No. Is her straight A average would suggest good study habits significant? Yes.

Is it something where if they write A on the postcard it's going to like ruin the address? Or like is there some code of like if an A if there's a letter A on a postcard it means like return to sender or something?

I don't think that there's some weird postal shorthand.

Let's get deep into postal shorthand.

Alright, let's see a scene. Adal, I'm going to be in this scene. So, Erin and I are going to be postmen, or post people, in training. And you're going to be the old postmaster. And we think it's a pretty straightforward job just delivering people's mail. But the old postmaster has some significant wisdom to hand down to us.

I can't wait to walk around and see the sun. What are you excited for?

Rain or shine or sleet or snow, a postman's duty is to make mail go. No, that won't do at all. What do you mean?

You sound like the Loras. Well, I'm not. Well, number one rule of a postperson is to not rhyme.

Well, I can do that.

Well, that won't be a problem for me. Rhyming makes you look silly. Okay, you keep doing it.

Me and silly is mostly a slant rhyme. Okay. If someone were to send a letter to Missouri, what do we think the abbreviation would be?

M-I.

No.

M-U. M-O.

No.

That's my M-O.

We just write Missouri. I'm sorry? We write Missouri.

We write it like they say it? I thought this job was straightforward.

No, we have to take into account regional dialects. Like what? In Missouri, they say Missouri.

Well then, give me more examples.

In Louisiana, they say Louisiana.

Alright, what about New Hampshire?

In New Hampshire, they say New Hampshire.

Delivering mail sounds like hard work. Maybe too much for this old jerk.

Why did you call me a jerk?

Are you quitting? No, I'm not quitting. I need this job. I have to do it if I'm ever to please Shelop, Queen of the Spiders. Oh, no. I've given away too much.

So you're telling me that every region has to be said in sort of a deep south accent?

Correct. So if you go to Nevada, that would be... Nevada? No, it'd be Nevada.

Nevada. Nevada.

If you went to Wyoming, it'd be Wyoming.

Wyoming.

It sounds like every region has its quirks, but I can't wait for all these mail perks. You're reading off of a card. I have to read off this card, you see, because kidnappers have taken my family.

Here's a red dot on your head.

Uh, so can we open the mail?

Sure, yeah, no, that's after fun.

Oh, okay.

Zip, rip?

Oh no, I ripped up my dick! What have we come to?

And we've all come to you and we're still doing this riddle that you haven't been able to figure out. You guys have any guesses here?

If she sends a letter she gets an F and her don't sending a letter class.

That's a really good answer, but no, that's not correct. If you hand in a self-addressed stamped postcard with your term paper, the professor will write the grade on it and mail it to you as soon as the paper is graded. That's much faster than waiting for a transcript. Oh, said Susie, I don't think I can do that. Why not?

Tell us.

Okay, so the answer here is, Susie could not hand in a postcard with her term paper because, although the paper was not due for another week, she had already handed it in. She was then free to write other term papers and study for exams and other courses.

Wait, what?

So, the term paper, she could not hand in with a self-addressed postcard. She already turned it in.

And you already wasted Riddle Court on a pretty decent riddle? Damn it. Very cool Adal.

Yeah, and it's double jeopardy so riddles can't be put up for the same crime twice.

That riddle killed my family!

It's just like that, it's just like that Ashley Judd movie?

Judd... Judd Lutt?

Judd Law.

Judd Apatow Law.

Yeah, his name is basically Judge Law.

Yeah, if Judd Apatow and Jude Law had a baby, that baby would be a miracle of science.

I have a question. I want you to answer honestly. I don't want you to do a bit. If I met Jude Law in person, organically, and I sort of played it off that I kind of knew who he was, but not really. It wasn't a fan. Do you think he'd agree to go on a date with me?

Is he a bachelor? Is Jude Law married?

I'm not sure. That's not the question.

He is divorced from Sienna Miller, right?

Okay.

Um, so he's divorced from C.E.R.V.I.S.T. I'm sorry, divorced from Dennis Miller. Cha-cha.

I would say no.

You don't think so?

I think so, yes. I think you'd have a shot with Jude Law.

You think so?

Yeah, absolutely. In a situation where you're like, Jude Law, you're like an actor, right? It's that kind of thing. Yeah, I think you have a shot with him.

See, if you fawned over him, I think he'd go on a date with you. If you play it off like you don't know who he is, I think he'd not go on a date with you. Because everyone knows Jude Law.

Not everyone. I'd be like, oh, I can't place it. Oh yeah, I did see the holiday. Yeah. And then I would like walk away. I'm not gonna tell you all the tricks. No, no, no.

You'd walk away, you'd turn around, you'd look back. He's walking away. He starts to walk away. You turn and walk away. He turns back. He sees you, but you're walking away. He turns and walks away. You turn around to look back. Car hits you. Meet Joe Black.

Yeah.

She's so flat.

She's all flat. She's all flat.

Meet Joe Flat.

Hit me with a big ol' cup. I just feel like that's not, I feel like Jude Law would not respond well to being like, who are you? I might have seen you in Talented Mr. Ripley. I don't know.

Alright, what if I am like, you're Jude Law. Yeah, then you'd go on a date with you. Oh, okay.

I think Jude Law, regardless of any circumstance, if he met you would go on a date with you.

Really?

Yes, absolutely. I think Jude Law doesn't date liars. You think, no, you're, but so, so Hi Riddle. Oh yeah. Jude Law looks good in that movie. Jude Law looks good in that movie. Jude Law looks good in that movie. Jude Law looks good in that movie. Jude Law looks good in that movie.

Jude Law looks good in that movie.

Jude Law looks good in that movie. Jude Law looks good in that movie. Jude Law looks good in that movie. Jude Law looks good in that movie. Jude Law looks good in that movie. Jude Law looks good in that movie. Jude Law looks good in that movie. Jude Law looks good in that movie. Jude Law looks good in that movie. Jude Law looks good in that movie.

Jude Law looks good in that movie. Jude Law looks good in that movie. Jude Law looks good in that movie. Jude Law looks good in that movie.

Jude Law looks good in that movie. Jude Law looks good in that movie. Jude Law looks good in that movie.

Jude Law looks good in that movie. Jude Law looks good in that movie. Jude Law looks good in that movie.

Jude Law looks good in that movie. Jude Law looks good in

Hmm, I feel like JPC would be... Maybe Loki. I would be absolutely Loki. Wait, can we be bad guys?

I had a conversation with Wepus the other day about this, and someone said Harrison Lott would be Loki, so that's funny too.

Oh yeah, I can see that. I don't think you'd be Loki. I think you would be Rocket Rookun.

Oh, okay. The little, uh, Bradley Cooper-esque man, huh? Yeah, the little raccoon.

I think it's pretty straightforward when I say Rocket Raccoon. Which character that is. Adal would be Groot.

Yeah, I... No.

I am Adal. I do podcast. I am Conch the Badger.

Who's a villain?

Aww. Who's a villain?

Yeah.

Uh, Loki.

You might be Ant-Man.

Hmm. Oh, yeah. Cuz all that shrinkage. Yeah, Ant-Man played by George Costanza. I feel like Erin would be Thor.

That is unreasonable. And also he has no personality, so we're just projecting. Thor? Thor? I'm hot and tall and I'm a god. You're right, I am Thor. Carry on.

I think Adal would be Jeff Goldblum.

I think I'm Captain America.

Have I told you guys my Jeff Goldblum story?

Yes.

But, but, but, and no one... On air? No, no. You've told us your Jeff Goldblum story. No one on air has hold it, heard it, but I do think that Jeff Goldblum is like a weird guy in... I feel like the story that you have about Jeff Goldblum, I feel like many other people have like similar Jeff Goldblum experiences in their lives.

Have I told it on air?

I don't think so.

So it's basically, Magic Tavern did the San Francisco festival called Outside Lands. Did you tell us on Magic Tavern? No. As kind of badger, as like a dream sequence or something. But Janet Varney brought us out to do this Outside Lands festival, so we did it. We were waiting to do our show, and there was like a backstage area with a tent, like a big green room. And it was just me back there, because Henry Rollins was performing, I believe. Jeff Goldblum had just gotten done with his show, so he comes backstage, so it's just me and him sitting in this giant tent with snacks and foods and free stuff. It's just the two of us, and I just say, like, hi, and I'm like, I'm a big fan, like, very nice to meet you, and he goes, uh, uh, very nice to meet you. Um, let me, uh, ooh, uh, let me guess your name, and I'm like, I'll play this game.

We're doing Adal's, Adal's five minutes.

Yeah, this is my SNL audition. And he's like, give me the first letter of your last name. And I'm like, R, and he goes, hmm, yes, yes. And he's putting his fingers down my palm, like he's wringing my palm, and he goes, oh, yes, oh, R, yes, it's going to be a rapramowitz. And I'm like, no. And he's like, what is it? And I'm like, Rifai? And he's like, oh, yes, no, that's, no, not close at all. And then a photographer comes. You're Jeff Goldblum is also a snagglepuss by the way. A snagglepuss. That close even. And then the best part was a photographer for the festival comes and they're like we need to get a photo of you for the for like the official website or for whatever a recap and he's like oh yes I'll do a photo and he like is like oh let me find something to pose with so he grabs grapes and acts like he's eating grapes and the photographer's like someone who's already done that and he's like oh yes no no good no good What else? And he goes and grabs something else and they're like, oh, someone's done that as well. And he's like, yes, yes, yes. No good, no good. Already, already been done. So he turns to me and he kind of winks and he goes, what about a full anal penetration? Like, like that hasn't been done. And the photographer was like, uh, he's like, no, no, no, no, of course not. But he's like brainstorming things that haven't been done. He looks me dead in the eyes and goes, uh, uh, full anal penetration.

Do you think at that moment he meant you'd penetrate him or him'd penetrate you? Uh, either way, I would have done that.

We know. I will say, uh, that, uh, celebrity or not, the most charming person, like, I was putty in his hands. The most charming person I've ever met in my life. You mean Puzzy in his hands? I was Puzzy in his hands.

And I pretended I didn't know who he was. Do you think he'd go on a date with me?

Yes. Yeah, of course. Because he is, he's like the, he's like just the most sexual being I've ever made.

Yeah, he's like a lothario.

Nevermind.

He's like a... Not like a weird way, in like a way of just like he's... He's so like, when they, like what Austin Powers thinks he is, that's what Jeff Goldblum is.

Yeah, when you say Oozah's sex, it sounds good, but when I went to the doctor for my sex, I was laughed out of medical school. Speaking of full alien penetration, let's go to a listener submitted riddle.

It better be good.

So this person doesn't give me permission to say their name, so I will just say that their name is Katarina and not the last name. But hi Riddle Crew. This one's been floating around, but I still thought it was clever.

3 a.m. I think I know who this is. Okay, well... If they're friends with Jeannie Cahill, I know who that is.

Oh, okay. Well, they'll know, but no one else will know. Jeannie will know. This one's been floating around. I thought it was clever. The doorbell rings and you wake up. Unexpected visitors. It's your parents and they are there for breakfast. You have strawberry jam, honey, wine, bread, and cheese. What is the first thing you open?

Your eyes.

In your eyes, the jam, the bread, your eyes, the cheese, the wine, your eyes, your parents eat, your eyes, a thousand churches, pulling off the pantry.

In your eyes.

Katarina says, I love your podcast. You're all so great. I can't believe that you would still consider us great after hearing what we just did to your riddle. But yes, the answer was your eyes. You are asleep.

What's the, what is it? Thank you Katarina. What was in last night's show, Erin did something that killed me, which was, what was the song you sang? Oh, Erin was singing a song and she goes, what's that song that we sing? And it goes, die to die, drums. Die to die, die to die, die to die, die to die, drums.

That destroyed me. Erin, do you have anything to plug?

Oh, just your butt! Just your butt!

Butt, plug, butt, plug. I wish you would plug this leaking sex in.

Oh, what do I want to plug?

I'll tell you what you plug, what you really, really plug.

Brady, every Monday at 10, Leila Gorestein, Olivia Nielsen, Erin Keif, 10 p.m. at IO Chicago. You should come to World News tonight. You should follow me on Instagram. You should follow me on Instagram, Erin Keif 10. I promote my shows there and other things. And it's a private profile, but you can follow me.

Yeah, and also come see World News Tonight Tonight, which is our Smashing Pumpkins themed improv show. Also, I thought too, and apologies this will be slightly longer than usual, I thought to do a plug for some of the podcasts that I've guested on in the past a few months. So just to give, you've heard the other shows I do, but here's some other people's projects that are wonderful. So check out the episode that I guess it on, or check out their back catalog, which is going to be great. Those podcasts include Is This Adulting?, Spirits podcast, Mission to Zix, One Nation Under Whiskey, Classroom Crush, It's All Been Done, Guilty Treasures, About to Review, North by North Quest, The Broadswords, Lawful Stupid, and The Unseen Hour. And what about the Escape Room podcast? Oh, that hasn't come out yet, but that is called Escape This Pod.

Yes, Escape This Pod.

And we'll be coming up on an episode of that. Also, several of these podcasts have mentioned that they would like YouTube to guest on it.

Well, they didn't ask us, so I guess they're being insincere.

You know what, Erin? I take your side on this, and I think that fuck all of the podcasts that Adam just listed.

Dear Diary, JPC took my side today.

I don't care. Put me back in the fish tank.

I want to fuck one of those fish.

Go diary.

Diary, you have anything to plug? Yes. The diary I would like to plug. You can listen to the campaign podcast. That's the other podcast that I do. If you like actual role-playing campaigns, that is a very good one to check out. And then you can follow me on Instagram at sharkbarkman or follow me on Twitter at JPsofly.

And email us at hrrpodcast at gmail.com if you have Patreon episode ideas. Or you want to submit a riddle also. Hey Riddle Riddle on Twitter and Instagram for our faces.

Yeah, and subscribe to our Patreon. We'd love to have you listen to our other content.

And I am going to tell you this right now. I did not clear this with either one of you. But I am going to do my own, it's not Hey Riddle Riddle affiliated, it's my own contest coming up. And all you have to do to enter my contest is to give Hey Riddle Riddle a 5 star review on iTunes. And if you do enter that contest, I will pick one lucky person who submits. I will read their riddle on the air. You can contact me and then I will go on a date with one of your siblings. I will pay for 100% of that date. Woah! You heard it here first. That is an all-you-can-expense pay date with one of your siblings.

All you have to do is give a five-star review to Hey Riddle Riddle, I read your review, eye contact, and then... I will, if you leave a review, I will also go on a date with you as long as you live in a building. Erin, that song, Die to Die, is called The Boxer and it's sung by Simon and... Jupiter.

Die to Die! Drums.

Bye forever, bye bye bye.

created by Adal Rifai, Starring Erin Keif, and John Patrick Coan. KG Snyder did the editing, and already parented the music. Logo created by Emily Cardamus and Emo Edomores. That was a head gum podcast.