Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

The Dabber was the hater. Hey, it's Hey Riddle Riddle. I'm Adal Rifai. I'm JPC.

And I'm Erin Keif.

The Dabber was the hater.

I'm sorry, did you just say that your name is Erin Keif? Yeah. Oh my god.

What?

I've been calling you, I've been calling you the wrong name this whole time.

What have you been calling me?

Well, we call you Karen Beef behind your back, and then to your face we call you Gloria Estefan. Yeah, what's your favorite Gloria Estefan song?

And the words to that are?

Just in case it does slightly pick up, there is some sort of, what sounds like the rave scene from Blade happening in this building.

Yeah, it's my... Sorry about this, guys. This is on me. So my dad, every... Yeah, hoodie. He celebrates his divorces by throwing big parties. And so this is a divorce numero siete for Un Papa.

Or does he meet his next wife at the party?

One calendar year after the party. He remembers that they had talked and then he says, whoa! And then, yeah, they're like, they're married and so it's a whirlwind.

Speaking of meeting his next wife, I'm going to be Old Man Life. What is this segue? I'm going to be Old Life Puzzle.

It's generous to call it a segue.

Don't call it a segue. This segue is going to be since I am Old Man.

Adal's segue is more like rascal scooters.

It's like those things that used to explode with the hoverboards. Vape pins. Vape pins, that's what it was. Those things that people put in their mouth and they exploded. I am Old Man Puzzles, or Old Wife Puzzles, and we're going to do a little segment that I like to call Your Spouse. JPC sent so many people like the Your Spouse segment. Earlier before this episode, JPC did eat his own ass.

It was pretty. I posted that meme of Bruce Banner as the Hulk saying, my secret, I'm always eating my own ass. Which is true. I mean, I'll eat my own ass breakfast, lunch, and dinner, my man. I got no shame. You'll eat your own.

My ass. So we're gonna do some of your spouse riddles. Erin, you seem not thrilled.

Oh, I am super thrilled that my bones are cold. They're made of ice.

And for anybody who can't see, Erin is wrapped up like a tiny baboosh guy.

I don't want to go back to the Charles Xavier's Academy and see an X-Man whose bones are made of ice.

And there's just a lady being like, I'm cold.

They call me Ice Bones because honestly, it's fucked. Maybe it gets hot, I do melt inside.

But I've made the best out of it, I do think I am a superhero. Erin, you look like, you know when you go to, what is it, Benihana, and they do like the stack of onion rings and they put oil in the middle, make it look like a little volcano? That's what you look like right now. Am I getting bullied? If you have to ask, you are. It feels like, yeah. You look like a stack of onions.

Okay, cruel.

I smell like one too.

And it tastes like one and I'll make you cry. I made all the jokes you can make. Go ahead.

Wow, she bullied herself. We didn't even have to do it. Adal, what do I look like from Benihana? And I'll say this, watch yourself, counselor. Like a raw shrimp. Thank you. JP Shrimp.

Ah, man. That would be the best name. JP Shrimp. Yeah. The best name, and this is, I'm willing to take this slight detour because it's been on my mind nonstop for the last 24 hours. We have a friend of ours who told us that they knew someone from Boston and her name was Phoebe P. Middle initial P is in Paul. Phoebe P, Peabody. And of course in Boston you pronounce Peabody as... Peabody. So her name was Phoebe Pee Pee Biddy and she married, our friend said, uh, uh, this is real. She married a man with the last name Bebe. So she became Phoebe Pee Biddy Bebe, which the last way for hours, I've just been like saying to myself, like, like a loony person. That just confuses, like, the sonar on chips, really.

Just subs crashing into each other. Did I do it? Yes.

Our friend said that they would, like, him and his friends would make fun of, like, what her answering machine must sound like, which is like, hey, it's VBPPBBB, leave a message after the BBB. I said it sounds like, um, uh, Porky Pig, where it's like... That sounds like a news, uh, like a news bulletin from the 60s. I feel like this should be like a like if you ever and I'm gonna go ahead and say this and you two can disagree but who cares if you ever see us in Chicago like if you're at a world news show if you see us on the streets if you come to a live show or see us somewhere else just yell Phoebe P. P. Bebe Bebe and we will look around and acknowledge you and come say hi yeah so I feel like that should be like our hand you a dozen roses

That could be Adal's. If you see me in Chicago, really anywhere on the street, you should scream, give me back my daughter! That's the only thing I want people screaming at me.

And you have a certain set of skills that make people like you a nightmare.

I have a certain set of skills that make people like me unemployable. Erin, what should people say if they see you on the street?

Okay, so Adal's thing?

I'm not here to think.

Phoebe. Here we go. This is some Your Spouse Riddles. Of course, we know how to answer these. Sure we do. So we don't need to get into it.

But we might have new listeners. I will say this. We never consider the fact that we might have new listeners. We never talk about the show. The show is a show where we all answer riddles and we never say that.

But I don't know. I don't think anyone's listening.

When's the last time we ever said Kevin's and Susie's or Riddies and Puzzies? That's true.

That's true. And I also, I know you guys don't like to think about the analytics side of things, but I do look at the number of people that's downloading, and since we launched back in August, consistently it's been eight people. And those eight people, sometimes they've even floated, it tracks their interest, and they're all disinterested. And I have a bit of a hearing problem. Did you say ape people?

It's ape people. These are standard apes. I have a bit of a hearing problem.

I want some My Spouse Whitties and Putties.

Can we do some Your Spouse ones or you want My Spice?

I want My Spice. My Spice.

My Spice. All Spice. Here we go. This segment I feel like loses us listeners. For sure. Here we go. First one is, this is a 90s MTV show starring Claire Danes.

My so-called my wife!

Can you say it but leave in the correct word? So she said my so-called my wife

Is that not correct? It's my so-called life. Oh, okay. I remember the game. You said that you didn't want to explain it, but it's my so-called my life, right?

We'll just leave in life. Either way, we're not going to edit that out. Here we go. Next one is the main song in Dirty Dancing. I was going to say Dirty Dancing Havana Nights. Actually I think I prefer that it changes to my wife. So Erin can you do that again?

I picture someone on like the subway or L listening to this moment and just like throwing down their headphones and walking like just being like I do see like headphones laying on the ground every once in a while as I'm walking around Chicago and I'm always I always like think about that like I was trying to imagine like what was it that caused this it's probably just broken head.

I will say if I'm not enjoying a episode of a podcast I will throw down my headphones and just buy new ones on Amazon the next day. Yeah cuz I'm rich as hell.

If I get a text message that upsets me, I throw my phone as hard as I can into the lake, no matter where I'm standing in Chicago.

I've had that impulse lately. Where I'm water, I just want to throw my phone into it. And I haven't been charging my phone at night. I think I hate my phone.

Do you guys do that thing when you see pee? You want to drink the pee? No. Okay, no, me neither. No, I have that. My superpower, I always drink the pee.

I peed in the shower today.

Whoa, Erin! That's gonna be a dead time.

I don't often be in the shower.

I did it today. You don't often do it, but you do it sometimes?

Yeah, sometimes.

Okay, so this is not like a crisis.

No, don't worry about me.

Are you like dancing when you do it, or is it like you like...

What? No, I'm not dancing at any time when I'm peeing. Never once.

I'm dancing when I'm showering though. Can I just say you're peeing wrong?

Does that make sense? If you ain't dancing while you're peeing... That's not safe. Yeah, I haven't been in the shower since I was like a very little boy. You're a little piss boy. Yeah. Have I ever told you that? A little piss boy.

So JPC used to stand for just piss child. Just piss child. Which is my favorite Beyonce Knowles group.

I've never pissed in the shower because it's my shower. Would I piss in someone else's shower? It's your what? It's your what? My shower! Thank you.

Alright, let's keep going.

I love how you... Erin's keeping the show on track. You're narrowly derailed this and then you're like, guys, can we please...

Let's wear wine, motherfuckers. I did not deadstop myself. We don't have a rewind button.

We don't have fast forward. I meant the me pissing in the shower thing to be at most one second.

Just breeze right past that.

P.P.P.P. P.P.P. in the shower. Here we go, next one. This might be a hard one, but this is a movie starring Brad Pitt and Jessica Chastain, directed by Terence Malick.

The Tree of My Life.

Meet Joe Black. This is a Sinatra song that was used in a McDonald's commercial. Hey there, good lookin', that big Mac's lookin' at you.

Fly me to my wife.

That works. It was Mac the... Oh no!

Mac the... Call me Mac my wife.

There you go. And of course the McDonald's commercial was Do you remember that? This might be before your time. I'm 36. Was this the one with Mac and me? This is the one with Mac and me, the creepy little creature with big eyes.

This is the one... You're almost 10 years older than me.

Fuck you. There was a mascot called Mac the Night. Yeah. That was like a crescent-shaped moon that was terrifying. He had like cool shades on and like a suit and would play the piano. And so for a few commercials they had Mac the Night singing that song.

Oh, okay.

What does Mac the Night mean?

It's from a three-penny opera. It's a character from that, and that's a song that's originally from that opera.

Erin, if you don't know, don't make up stuff.

Good point! There also used to be, you know, and Lucy Brown. She's a character in that opera.

But Mack the Knife is a person named Mack, and he's, why is he the knife?

He's a killer.

He's a killer? It's like the Fleet Street barber demon.

And this was a McDonald's commercial?

Yeah, but they changed it to Mack the Knight. So they took away a knife out of it.

Oh, like nighttime.

But the parents knew.

Not Kay. That's what I love about McDonald's is it's fun for the kids, but the parents get the real serious jokes in it.

Well, I don't know, you guys might have been too young again, but there was a mascot they had that was John Wayne Plaything. So it was like John Wayne Casey, but they made him like a toy. Do you remember that? It was John Wayne Playplace.

And it was like kids couldn't go into the play place.

Yeah, so it was like Ronald McDonald's face on John McGaisey.

That's the year that McDonald's closed all their stores, right?

They all went out of business. I remember having several birthday parties at McDonald's as a kid.

Oh, I forgot that you were poor when you moved.

That was the thing you did. And there used to be the best thing in the world was there was a This tower that you climb up into is like a ladder that climbs into a giant Mayor McCheese, but he was like a prison, if that makes sense? So it was like the burger, and it was like a bun, patty, and then bars, and then patty, cheese, bottom bun.

I remember in grade school there was this kid named Shane, and someone asked Shane what he was going to do for his birthday, and he was like, we're going to McDonald's. And this kid named Josh goes, McDonald's? I was there yesterday. It was the most brutal ode, because it's like this kid just wanted to go to a McDonald's for his birthday, but someone's like, that's my Tuesday, bitch! I go to McDonald's every day! I'm up in here spending money!

My early McDonald's memory is when, for a long time, McDonald's on their front door was like, please, we don't have any more mini Beanie Babies, like please, don't come in here, please, leave us alone, we don't have any more.

Beanie Babies, there's the little, I remember getting the Muppet toys, where it was like a Kermit on a skateboard, that was what I played with all the time.

Sounds freakin' cool as hell.

And then there's also like Transformers, where there's like a thing of fries that turn into a transformer or a burger or a nugget that turn into a thing.

Guys, if I've said it once, I've said it a million times. If the McDonald's has a play place, legally they have to sell socks. You could order fries and socks.

If they have a John Wayne play place. Also, I just want to say that my favorite toy from that birthday party was a Ghostbusters car. It wasn't the Ecto one, but it was like a Volkswagen Beetle that when you press down on the top, it turned into a praying mantis. And you were saying that that was so great because there was no women in it, correct? I was saying the toy had no women in it. And I feel like the reboot ruined the ruin similarly enough.

Because you're an original fan. You're a true fan of the franchise.

I saw the reboot in theaters. Wow. Adal, it applaud him. Me too, but I didn't say anything. Well, I just got accused of a... Here we go. This is... I need two different Monty Python movies. Wait, what?

My wife of Brian. And Monty Python.

And the whole name. My wife.

That's not it. The meaning. Of my wife. Okay, this is a different stroke spin-off TV show. The family dies.

I'm too young. I'm too young.

This is not full of lies. It's full of... Truth. Full of house.

Full of house.

We're full of house in this house.

We have notes for you.

What if we drop the of?

No.

Just the blanks, Jack. Nothing but the blanks, ma'am.

Facts.

Facts of.

Facts of life.

My life.

My life. My life.

This is a Jan Martel book and became an Ang Lee movie. Oh God! My wife. Say it with more confidence.

My wife! Of pie. Tiger in a boat. Tiger in a boat. There's a tiger in the boat.

There's a tiger in the boat. There's a tiger in the boat. There's a tiger in the boat. The tiger's really an angry chef. He kills the boy and eats the boy.

What are we going to do about the tiger in the boat?

There's a tiger in the boat?

There's a tiger in the boat. This is my life of five musical. It's not going well. It's going very bad.

We've heard this song three times in this musical.

This band's... And it's by a woman in the front row. It's not even in the movie.

She's wearing a backwards hat that says director of the musical.

I want that hat! Someone make me that hat. Write the second please.

Somebody make me a hat that says, that's my Tuesday, bitch.

I would like to give you a chair that just says director of the musical that you can sit at when you podcast.

This band sang the song Superman.

Third Eye Blind.

Is it three doors down? No. I think Three Doors Dan had the song that was like, um... This is the story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world. And if I know that there's an end photographed, I absolutely love her. Which is my life! There's two songs. One is like, if I go crazy, then we're used to it. And then there's also one that's like, I'm only a man, and you know something, red cape, right?

I think you're thinking of, I'm 15 for a moment, and she's on fire.

So who sings the Superman song? Wait, what? Who sings the Superman song? It's a number of people. Five for fighting! Oh boy. Five for my wife?

For my wife.

My wife? Five. It's five for fighting, right? To me, five for my wife. To me, five is the key word here.

Oh, my wife for fighting.

My wife for fighting. I really wanted to be fighting for some reason. These are going great. Well, five and wife. You can see how far we've gone.

We're okay.

We're fine. We're protected by the Constitution.

Let's walk further away from rhyming. Erin, this is a movie starring Bing Crosby and Danny Kay. I'm dreaming of my life Christmas. Also, I think I might have said this before, but the phrase that brings me in the most joy in life ever is, Santa baby, hurry down the chimney tonight. My life. That phrase Bring more joy to me than anything else in the world. This whole like game of like adding my wife into things was myself and Gemma Stember Young and we did like this for four hours one night and it's maybe the most I've laughed in my life. But the Santa baby hurried down the chimney tonight. My wife was one that we came up with and I just said for a hundred years. We only got a couple more and then we'll stop. Oh good! This is a Disney movie about a woman who eats an apple

Snow, my wife.

This is Jeff Bridges' favorite drink based on the Big Lebowski. My wife, Russian. And finally, last but not least, this is the best song in The Lion King.

It's the circle of my wife.

Acuna Matata. Acuna my wife.

This is a non-popular opinion, but I really just like, I'm gonna be a mighty king. Then why did you sing it so well?

Isn't that Jonathan Taylor Thomas?

My teeth and ambitions are bad. Be my wife.

Well, you'd be him. Who would we all be in Lion King?

I would scar for sure.

You're definitely scarred.

I feel like I'd be Rafiki. People in grade school used to call me Rafiki after Lion King came out because I was named for Rafai.

Because you're not essential to the story.

What the fuck? Because you dipped everybody's face in paint.

Because you live in a tree.

Because people hit you in the coconuts with a stick.

This went from fun to hurtful.

I got bullied earlier and I'm learning how to... I said you look like a sack of onion rings.

You called me inconsequential. There's a huge disparity.

There's a huge disparity between being like, ooh, somebody could cook the onion rings, but he don't like the taste.

There's a huge disparity between like, oh, you're wearing air walks? What is it, 1994? And then somebody else being like, you have no value on this show.

You don't matter to me. I don't know your name. When I talk to you, I talk past you.

That's why bullying shouldn't happen, because it just ping pongs back and forth and it escalates.

I think bullying should happen only in specific contexts where I'm allowed to do it. I think in a weird way bullying did make me stronger because I was always the bully. So my strength increased. You learned how to find the... I learned how to bully from doing.

Doing is the best teacher. So we'll get to our main Applebee's.

Who would I be in Lion King? We didn't get to it.

Honestly? You've got those Nala fuck me eyes.

Nala, fuck me.

Nala, come and fuck me tonight.

I'm getting Nala fucked today.

I did see How to Train Your... You know the Nala, fuck me eyes that I'm talking about when she's playing in the grass? I saw How to Train Your Dragon, the new How to Train Your Dragon movie earlier today, and the girl dragon in that definitely has like Nala eyes all over the place. I'm like, are we just doing this now?

What are other very hot animated characters?

Here is the number one hottest animated character at the time. Robin Hood. The fox in Robin Hood. Both male and female.

So hot.

Nala. Yeah. Pepe Le Pew dressed up in a dress. Ratatouille. Very fuckable.

You can also just say humans. It doesn't necessarily have to be an animal.

Oh, Slinky Dog, Slinky Dog in Toy Story.

But this is for specifically cartoonists. Because you know he's stretching his ass.

Yeah, animated.

Go online, Google family guy porn. No.

That's all my least favorite things coming together and making money.

Hey Riddle.

Me and Erin were watching Toy Story one time and I nudged her and then I took my eyes out and put them on my butt.

Erin, to answer your question, who would you be in The Lion King? Honestly, you'd be the most talented and beautiful character.

No, that's not gonna work.

Pumbaa.

I think you'd be Timon. I think you'd be Timon.

That's fair. I'd also say I'm the hyena who doesn't speak. It's just all manic energy.

I feel like you'd be like one of the bison that tramples the dead.

Okay, that's cruel and I deserved it. I like it though.

Could you be, no, I don't think you'd be Zazu. I feel like I'm more Zazu than anyone else. You're like a Zazu scar. Who's gonna be John Oliver, right? I can be an uptight bird at times and I can also be like very evil. So I got an equal mix of those two things.

Here we go, so what I have in store for our main course is I found, and this is not hyperbolic, in my apartment I have 14 bookcases and I have over 1700 books. I have a problem, I'm a bibliophile.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait

How many bookshelves do you have?

Oh, that's too many. How many of these bookshelves are in your room? One. Oh, okay. So these are common space books? They're common space books. But, so I have so many books and I was like trying to do some spring cleaning, Marie Konda, and I found what is the very first riddle book I ever purchased. It's called Stories to Solve.

From the 1800s, from when you were born.

Yeah, it's Jesse James and his gang. It's from Stories to Solve, folk tales from around the world. This is a book I bought in Scholastic, from Scholastic, when I was in like fifth grade or something, fourth grade. And this is the very first puzzle book I ever purchased, and I found it. So I thought to do some, and I remember vividly a lot of these stories, and I also have the second one called More Stories to Solve. But I found these and I thought to read some so that you can get a glimpse into what sparked joy in Adal's early childhood brain.

What year were you in fifth grade?

17. 17. How does a bastard? I don't know what year this would have been. This would have been... 92, 93? I was born in 82.

It's your grade plus six is how old you are.

So fifth grade you're 11. So you're 10 or 11 in fifth grade?

So this would have been 1992, 1993. Cool. I also around this time, I remember, so when I remember Scholastic being the best day ever because you have that little paper, you mark the books you want, and then like a month later they give you a stack of books and it's like the best feeling in the world.

Did you ever do the Bookmobile? Yes. Yeah, Bookmobile was cool too because you get to go on the Bookmobile and pick a book. Yeah.

If we're going to do this, we have to do it in 1993 though. So we're going to get into this time machine. We're going to go back. Are you guys ready?

That's a bookmobile we're getting into.

Yeah, alright. Well, it goes to the past, so are you ready?

Yeah. Okay.

Alright, and definitely insert a cool going to the past sound here. And it worked. I hope it wasn't a stupid sound.

Whoa. Whoa. Based on the contents of this van, we're still in 2019. Nope.

Alright, let's try it again.

Wait, let's open the back door. We're in 1993. Oh, and it's summertime. Erin, look. Look at that billboard. It's for the year's top album. Which is... Jagged little pill.

Jagged little pill. Yes. Jagged little pill. Oh, look at this.

It's a bottle of Pert Plus. Shampoo for your hair. Ooh, I'm gonna drink it like a squeeze it.

Look, there's little me. She's a baby.

Let's kill her. No! I always tell myself if I could go back in the past and kill one person, it would be Erin Keif.

Hi!

To stop Hitler. Hitler's obsessed with you. Erin, Hitler's obsessed with you.

Erin, don't look now, but Hitler is looking at you.

Oh my god, Erin, Hitler's looking right at you. Don't joke. Oh wait, no, he's looking past you at Phoebe, Phoebe, Phoebe, Phoebe. Oh, whatever, she's so popular. Well, let's do some riddles and then we'll watch the TV show Dinosaurs, not the baby?

Yes, yes, absolutely. Not the momma? Not the baby.

You know the baby's famous guest charades? Not the baby. Not the baby. Let's do this. Or do we want to see a scene where Erin dates Hitler? Yeah.

Oh, no, no, no. I think we're okay. I think my parents aren't proud enough already.

We haven't done any scenes. We haven't done any scenes. We haven't done any riddles. When we haven't done any riddles. So, since we haven't done other scenes nor riddles, I think we should take a brief break. And think about what we've done and what we've accomplished here today.

We should take a quick break and eat at a Perkins. Perkins.

They only existed in the 90s. Right? Or Ponderosa?

What is Perkins?

Perkins is like a... Alright, we will be right back after we all Google Perkins.

Hey Erin. You're a pretty unique person, would you agree?

Yeah, I'm pretty and unique.

You're unique?

Okay.

Or you nitty? Yeah. What do you sleep on?

Um, sometimes it's just like a bunch of newspapers stacked on top of each other of like when I've been in the news. Um, and sometimes it's JPC.

That's a pretty thin amount of newspapers. Oh, okay. Yeah. Local girl falls downstairs. What? I said local girl falls downstairs. Does it on purpose, goes to jail. Well, Erin, because of your unique, uh, pretty makeup, I don't know how to phrase this, you should be sleeping on the Helix mattress that JPC and I got you.

Yeah. I mean, we know that sometimes people have been like, don't sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, but they mean don't side sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, don't hot sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, because we know that everybody sleeps different. Well, the Helix Sleep Mattress is designed for people who sleep in a variety of different ways.

And you can take a quiz. And it's not the type of quiz that you can fail, so don't worry about that. I worry about that. But it's just a quiz to get to know what kind of sleeper you are.

You took the Helix Sleep quiz, Erin, and you got a don't sleep, right?

The first F ever.

You can find that quiz at helixsleep.com slash riddle. It only takes two minutes, and it's going to match your specific makeup to a mattress that's right for you.

Yeah, that's why they call it Helix Sleep, because it relies on double helix, so you just enter your DNA into the quiz, and then it tells you what kind of mattress is your soulmate, basically.

And it tells you what kind of mattresses your ancestors slept on. I mean, you'll see that in your dreams.

Yeah, that'll be something that, they don't promise that, but that is something that comes in most people's dreams.

And they have a 10-year warranty, and you get to try it for a hundred nights risk-free.

They have a 10-year warranty?

There is a little loophole here because they say 100 nights, but you also get the 100 days as well. So you can sleep at the mattress 24 hours a day for 100 days.

And for me specifically, for Adal Rifai, those are Arabian days and Arabian nights.

That's not something any of the rest of us feel comfortable saying.

And if you sleep next to a partner, half the mattress can be for you, and the other half, the mattress can be for your partner.

Or, you know, you can do three quarters. Just with sprawl. With arms and legs. But right now, Helix is offering up to $125 off all mattress orders. That's $125 off. To get your $125 off at helixsleep.com slash riddle. That's helixsleep.com slash riddle for up to $125 off your mattress order. Don't sleep on this deal. That's not theirs, that's mine.

I guess the way I sleep is I clutch a pillow and I kiss it?

Yeah, I do the same thing but the pillow's in between my legs.

How I sleep is, you know when you get someone in that like choke hold, like with your leg?

Oh, like Zena did for James Bond in that movie? I squeeze?

Yeah, that's what my blankets do to me.

That's helixsleep.com slash riddle. Of course on the pillow I write not a pillow. So when I kiss it, it makes sense? And we're back and Bill Clinton is still president and unforgiven won best picture at the Oscars.

And Bill Clinton certainly won't be forgiven for the sex that he had in the White House with Monica Lewinsky. Hi. Hey there, Erin.

I'd like to just- JBC, stop. I'm trying to look at Bill Clinton.

Erin, I couldn't help but notice you're making Nala's fuck me eyes at me. This sucks! Alright, here we go. First Riddle. This is from Stories to Solve. These are- these are longer ones. These are like- these are actual stories to solve. Okay, so I'm only going to read these once, so put on your thinking ears to make sure that I don't have to repeat this. I just put my ears onto my butt. Mr. Potato Butt, here we go. This one is called Witch Flower. Okay. Once long ago, there lived two rulers of different lands famed for their wisdom as well as their beauty, the Queen of Sheba and King Solomon. Upon his visit to her land, the Queen decided to test King Solomon's wisdom by a series of tests and riddles. He passed each one with ease until this is a lot of setup. Alex said that. King Solomon carefully looked from flower to flower and back again, searching for even the smallest of differences. He looked for any sign of wilted leaves or petals, but found lifelike leaves and petals in all conditions on every flower. And fragrance was of no help as well, for the room was filled with fragrances. Fragrances. Fragrances. Also, a kid wrote this. Please, King Solomon, the room is so warm, could we open the curtains and let in a breeze? The fresh air will help clear my head for thinking. The Queen of Sheba kindly agreed, and within minutes after the curtains had been opened, King Solomon knew which of the many flowers was the real one. How did he suddenly know?

I know.

I know, too. So let's do this. King Solomon and Queen Sheba are real... Are you putting a V in Sheba? Sheba.

They're real people, right? Or base, like... You think Queen Sheba, the multi-armed character from Mortal Kombat, is a real person?

Yeah, King Solomon, who was Johnny Cage's promoter on Mortal Kombat.

Don King Solomon. Is King Solomon the one who also did the baby test?

Yep, he was big on cutting babies out. He turned that baby into gold? Yeah.

Let's go get little Erin and killer!

Not only did it, it was like two people arguing about a child, and they just cut the child in half, and that's how, you know... That's how circumcision was born. Yeah, the famous thing. That was also his solution to a bunch of other shit too. People were like, this guy like seeded fruits upon my land, and he's like, okay, we'll take your kids, we'll cut them in half. I have a headache, let's cut them in half. Cut your head in half. Solomon Halfcuts. Erin's just glaring at me. Let's say the answer. Let's say it on the count of three, okay? One, two, three, pollen.

We have bees and pollen which are both correct. When the curtains were pulled back, a bee flew in the window and immediately went to the real flower. Mm-hmm.

I know bees.

Because you love that Oprah gift.

I do.

And you love Nick Cage.

I can't think of a more stressful job. Well, it probably could for me. Than being a bee.

Than being a bee.

Oh man. Alright. Alright. No, no, no. We now see a scene. So Adal and Erin, you are both worker bees. Adal, you're like a very carefree worker bee because you're a worker bee. You just do the same thing until you die. Erin, you have that same life except it causes you endless stress. Pollen to Honey.

Making Honey. Yeah.

Yeah, I don't have a lot of time because I gotta make this Honey. Wait, do I make Honey or does the Queen make Honey? She makes Royal Jelly.

Okay.

What do I do? Fuck. What? Yeah, what do you want? Uh, for what?

Not even a little bit. People started screaming, I'm too big down there. I throw the chip in a panic. I kill two dozen ants at least. Crushes them. And then I go, oh my god, I'm a bee, aren't I? And they say, get the fuck out of here, you can fly. And I fly through, ruin their home, ruin their home. And then, I mean, my day didn't stop there, but I just, I did the wrong, I forgot what insect it was.

Can I be honest with you? This sounds like a you problem.

Hey Riddle.

Hey, P.S., your stinger's gone.

Is it? Yeah. Okay, well that makes sense. I'll tell you why.

You have moments to live.

Okay, well that makes sense. That makes sense, because you want to know why? Why? I flew into a sock. Then I put the sock on. I went, wait a minute. No, thank you.

How'd you get out?

I put my butt up against their foot.

You're telling me.

What?

You were inside a sock.

Yes.

With someone's full weight pressed down on you.

I was in the arch of their foot.

And all you did was push your butt up against the force of their weight.

I went like boop. And I got out and now I'm here and I just I did all the wrong insect things today.

Okay, I want to tell you something. Since the moment we met- I made a web. What? Since the moment we met three weeks ago- I made a web.

What do you say? What?

Since the moment we met three weeks ago, I've recognized that you're not a bee.

I am a bee.

You're an ant who's put on several disguises. And I'm over your bullshit. You fabricate lies. You're a habitual- I made a web. You're a habitual liar. I'm tired of it. And I won't indulge you. Where's your web?

Look out, look out there. I'm definitely not gonna push you off this side.

No, I think you're gonna push me off this side. Absolutely not. Do it, do it. I have wings. She pushes it and he flies. Welp, fuck you. Let's see. Let's see. Here we go. Push a B off a building. Next story to solve. This one's called The Clever Bride. J.P.C., how might that sound in Jurassic Park? Bump. Set. Different ball.

Bump. Set. He's playing pool.

Where did he get that pool cue? Here we go. There once was a bride who lived with her mother-in-law and was very fond of chickpeas. The bride liked them so much that she would steal some from the kitchen every day to roast and eat in secret.

Women. Women, women, women.

Women be hummus. You can't stop a woman from hummus. Will you let me exclusively design all the clothes that you wear? Director of the musical, women be hummus?

That sounds like my ideal outfit. Women be hummus with a backwards hat that says director of the music.

But it has to be all pictograms. So it has to be a picture of a woman, a bee, a picture of a bee, and then a picture of hummus. A chickpea.

Unreal.

Before long, half the sack of chickpeas was gone and a mother-in-law was angry. She suspected the bride and mumbled to herself, I'm certain she's the thief. She's the only new person in the house. Says later that the woman couldn't think. She had to speak out loud. That didn't sound right when I said it. I'm trying to make a joke that she said it out loud versus thinking it and then I said this woman couldn't think. Do we really believe this asshole song goes upstairs to the theater? Nope. No way. I'm certain she's the thief, she mumbled to herself. The mother-in-law was a smart woman, I added that part in, but the young bride was even cleverer. She knew she was being suspected. One day while cleaning the house with her mother-in-law, the bride found the chickpea on the floor. She picked it up, showed it to the mother-in-law, and said three words that convinced the older woman that she hadn't taken the chickpeas. What did the bride say?

Back off, bitch!

That's right, B-O-B.

B-O-B.

Uh... She's got... It wasn't me. She said, chick this out. Wait, did she say it like Shaggy?

It wasn't me. I found the chickpea on the counter?

It wasn't me. I was pissing in the shower.

It was a make.

That's the shirt I want. That's Erin's reality.

Thank you!

What were the three words that she said to convince the mother-in-law she hadn't taken the shirt off?

Okay! What's this? What is this? That's what she said. What is this?

She said, now that's comedy. Erin is correct. She said, what is this? If she did not know what a chickpea was, why would she steal it?

I'm your fucking queen now, assholes.

Well, I got the answer. To be fair, you had headphones in and you were watching Night before Christmas while I was reading this riddle. What is this? Let's see a scene with JPC, your mother-in-law. Okay. Erin, you are a bride-to-be. Sure. Or I guess the bride. And you've been accused of stealing something.

Cool.

You know what you've done.

What? You know what you've done. Sorry, let me just finish getting my clothes on.

I'm Nancy. I'm your dad's new wife. You took your dad's lucky penny. What? Sorry, honey. You're my what? Rick, do we have to do this now? I just want to hear it. I signed the prenup and I thought that that was a joke clause, but I have to say it every time. I'm your dad's new, my wife. Thank you. I'll be in the other room.

Sorry, what did I take? I'm confused.

You took your dad's lucky penny.

I don't know either of those words.

I said so many more words than- Like Lucky- I don't know what it- Lucky Penny?

What are those words? You don't know the words Lucky and Penny? What brand jeans do you have right now? What brand jeans do you have right now? What brand jeans do you have right now?

What brand jeans do you have right now? What brand jeans do you have right now?

What brand jeans do you have right now?

What brand jeans do you have right now? What brand jeans do you have right now? What brand jeans do you have right now? What brand jeans do you have right now?

What brand jeans do you have right now? What brand jeans do you have right now?

What brand jeans do you have right now? What brand jeans do you have right now? What brand jeans do you have right now? What brand jeans do you have right now? What brand jeans do you have right now? What brand jeans do you have right now? What brand jeans do you have right now? What brand jeans do you have right now? What brand jeans do you have right now

I got them at Nordstrom.

Oh, okay. Rack or proper?

Proper.

Really?

I splurge.

You splurge. It's jeans. Well, yep.

No woman likes shopping for jeans. You just got to go get it and get out.

You know what they say? Women be hummus.

That's true. So yeah, so what was the word? Can I have your chickpea? A what?

Chickpea.

I certainly don't. That sounds like a bird. Yeah.

Can I offer you a bird?

Okay.

Give you the middle finger.

This is how it's gonna be.

This is how it's gonna be in my house.

Alright, well you're saying confusing words and I don't know any of these words. Chickpea? Who knows what that is. Lucky? No one's guess. Penny? What the heck?

That's Inspector Gadget's niece.

Alright, well.

Not his daughter.

Sorry, I was over here singing How Bizarre because it's 1993.

That's by O. M. My Wife, correct?

O. M. My Wife, that's correct. We should mention, I guess this was a Patreon episode, but we released it on the main feed, but there was a state episode where Erin was asked about the Massachusetts state bird, and she made the noise of the bird, but didn't know the name, and we were flooded with tweets from birds, but we were flooded with tweets from listeners who all confidently said, Erin, you dummy, here's the bird that was, but all of them were different birds.

With so much arrogant, and I would say only two people gave the same answer.

So that's going to bring us to my new segment, which is, you tweet us the bird! Erin, in a second I'm going to ask you to make a bird noise, and then if you are listening at home, I want you to tweet us what bird you think that is coming out of. Alright, I'll allow it. Coming from? Erin.

Coming out of.

Erin, your bird noise please.

That's the bird noise I did before. Can I do one as well?

J.P. Z, can you lead me in?

Adal, your bird noise.

That's a blue-eyed Borat. Erin, your bird noise.

I'm sorry, that's my pager.

Hold on. It's a 911 for my wife. Shit, should I take it? Okay, Erin.

Can we go back to me? Yep, Adal.

Okay, Erin, do you have one more bird noise for us? Okay, so tweet your answers into the show. Remember, the contest is never. Whenever you're hearing this, keep tweeting them in. We will close the entries on a later podcast.

And tell us what the first person who tweets us all the correct answers gets.

Oh, the first person, you get a year's worth of birdseed for you and one of your daughters.

Mitch, you know, Mitch, the person you've all decided to hate because I told you to, he texted me right before this episode and was offended that I didn't know what the state bird of Massachusetts is because I think it's the same as Maine and he's from Maine. And then he said, I think what the bird you're looking for is a chickadee call. And then he said, right after you did said this, you insulted me. So I don't know why I'm trying to help you. But he thinks it's chickadee.

And if you are confused as to who Mitch is, go back and listen to all of our episodes. Yep. Great. Oh yeah, we have to take into consideration there might be new listeners. There might be new listeners.

He's my brother-in-law who I teased and now everyone hates.

So if you ever need context on anything and if you're a new listener, all you have to do for most of these things is go back and listen to all of our episodes. And then you have full context.

This one's called The Cleverist Son and it's S-O-N. Once there lived an old man who had three sons. When he grew old and ill, he knew that he would soon die. The eldest son took his coin, went straight to the marketplace, and filled his wagon full of straw. The second son thought a bit longer, then also went to the marketplace with his coin, where he bought sacks and sacks of feathers. The youngest son thought and then quickly went to the little shop. He bought two small things and tucked them into his pocket. That night, the father called them in to show what they had bought. The eldest son spread his straw on the floor, but it filled only one part of the room. The second son dumped out his sacks of feathers, but they filled only two corners of the room. When the youngest son smiled, pulled out two small things from his pocket, and soon filled the room. Yes, the father said, you are indeed the cleverest, and have filled my room when the others could not. You shall inherit my house and farm. What had the youngest son bought, and with what did he fill the room?

Helium.

He bought. That's going to be a day.

But also this middle son who's like, you know what's cheap?

Feathers! I bought it down comforter the other day. It was $1,900. It was not. Well, I didn't buy it. The man was like, do you want this? He had a little bazaar that popped up on the edge of town. He was like a GD cursed it. I steered clearly the whole thing. It was comfortable though.

I will tell you both and I'll be honest. I did buy an anthropology pillow. Yesterday.

Okay.

And that's the epitome of complete nonsense.

You were so reluctant to tell us that. Yeah, I'm sorry. And earlier you interrupted to say you peed in the shower.

Can I guess how much an anthropology pillow costs?

Yes, but I did get it on sale, but you can guess.

Go ahead, I'm gonna guess what it, did not, do you know what it costs without the sale?

Yes, original cost.

I'm gonna guess that this anthropology pillow, how big? Do with your hands how big? How big are we talking? Alright, Erin's doing the jerk-off motion. I don't know why you do that. Oh, sorry. Yeah, how tall? Okay, okay, an anthropology pillow. I'm gonna say $150.

Uh, it's a little, it was originally a little less than that.

Okay.

It's a pretty simple pillow. It's not too embellished.

Okay.

So it was originally like $120, $110 or something, and then it had been discounted a couple times. Okay. And then, so it was like $40, and then there was a 40% off all sale items sale happening, so I bought it for like $25. But I still bought it.

That's not bad.

$25 is reasonable. And that's going to bring us to a close. Again, this is another episode of How Much That Pillow. Oh, this is one of my favorite segments we do on the show.

I've been trying to make my room feel and look more cozy. So over the last four months, because my boyfriend didn't like staying there, so I'm trying to make it more welcoming.

Your boyfriend sounds like a real problem.

He's nice!

So your boyfriend was like, I don't like staying in your room because not enough pillows. Sorry guys, but never in the world has that been the case. You want a shot with Erin? You better up your pillow game. People are going to start bringing pillows to live shows. To fall asleep?

No, well honestly I kind of need them because we have this like nook in our house where we have a bunch of beautiful decorative pillows on the ground surrounding a table and I can always use more. But more importantly, one time I washed my comforter and was letting it air dry and it didn't like fully air dry in time so we used it. But there was like three blankets in between and it was only kind of wet at the bottom. He was so upset. He was like, you live like an orphan, like an old-timey orphan. Why are you flying

To be fair, you also act like an old-timey with it.

Yeah, well, I look like one, I act like one, but he asked me out. You're wrapped in onion rings right now.

So, whatever. Honestly, I think I would get mad if I was staying over at someone's house and all their blankets were wet.

One blanket was kind of wet.

So bad.

How many times since that incident has he brought it up?

Honestly, like a hundred. It happened about two months ago.

I will say this, I am wrong so often about everything because my memory is bad that when I am right about a thing, I will remember that thing forever.

You just said that.

I'm sorry.

Erin, can I tell you, and someone will tweet and correct me, but that 24 was four seasons. Jack Bauer's daughter was not killed by a mountain lion. You said you want to feel like cozy and more comfortable, warm. That feeling that is evoked by, you know, like fireplaces and rugs and pillows. It's called umami. It's called umami. It's a taste. It's called hygge. It's H-Y-G-G-E. It's like a Scandinavian thing. Seriously? Yeah, but I believe it's called hygge. I believe it's spelled hygge, but it looks like it's spelled hy-gee. But it's something when I went to Copenhagen, like a lot of places there are aiming for hygge. It's almost like feng shui, where it's like a feeling it evokes versus like a tangible effort.

Oh, cool.

And Erin, I've been to your place, and I would say that one thing that you can do to make it more inviting is maybe clean up all of the loose mouse flesh that you have scattered around the room. Well, what do I stand for?

Another thing you can do is be home when we're there. You invite us over, we sit down, then you leave. Yeah.

And then a image of me comes up on the TV and I go, welcome. Time to play a game.

Would you like to play a game? And you have a fireplace, but it's just a section of your apartment that you have deemed the fireplace.

And that's where I set people on fire.

Prodigy, Firestarter, 1993. Do we have an answer for this? What are you in the future?

I think it's something like a smell.

Oh, yes I know. So you thought helium or smell? It's a cigar in a match. They light the cigar and then it fills the room with smoke. I did not fuck that cigar.

So Erin, you think it's a fart? You think it's a cigar?

I did not say a fart! I didn't say a fart!

That was not as loud as I thought.

Are we all done? Yes. Are we done with our little tamper-tamperim?

Tamperim?

Are we done with our tamper-tamperim?

Tamper-tamperim? I think when I'm sick I use a tamper-tamperim to suck up my illness. I don't think Adal knows what a tampon is.

I put a tampon on my head like Johnny Carson with his envelope and say, let me think, let me think.

And then what happens after that?

Let me think, let me think. Let me think. The tampon just fills with all the jokes and then I rip off the top of the tampon.

I don't think.

Really big sled. The answer is the two small things he bought that filled up the whole room were a match and a candle that filled the room with light.

My light! I was sort of close with helium.

Cigar would work too though, right? And smoke. I want to see a scene. Erin, you're trying to win a contest, a similar contest. You have to fill an entire room with something. You only have $5 and you are at a marketplace or a bazaar. How bazaar? Trying to find something to fill up a room. JPC, you're going to play various shopkeeps vis-a-vis the song from Aladdin.

Yes. Hello. Hello. This seems pretty bare. Have you not put your goods out yet?

Oh, thank you for commenting on my pretty bear. Would you like to buy my pretty bear?

Oh, that's alive?

No, it's a stuffed bear. It just looks alive. Very realistic.

Yeah.

I'll give it to you for a low price. 200 rupees.

I don't know. I only have five dollars.

Okay, well you can fuck off pretty stuff.

Alright, I'll walk over here.

Excuse me, ma'am. Are you interested in something magical and mystical? Okay, well then step no further and see my puppet show.

Oh, absolutely not. Oh, please. You know that can't fill my heart or a room.

The puppets are very horny. One ticket for puppetry of the penis. Oh yes, you covered it.

The puppets are very horny, he said under his breath. Hello.

Hello.

What can you fill a room with?

Well, I can fill a room with my personality. Hi.

My name's- Hello, someone else!

Hello? Hello, ma'am? Hello, ma'am?

Hello. Not a lot of- you don't have a lot of voices, huh?

Me? I'm one person. And my name is Alan Alda.

Here we go, we're going to do another one. This one's called One Word Solves a Mystery. I should also mention in fifth grade, I thought about this today as I was holding this book. It brought back a flood of memories.

I never told Kelsey that I loved her.

And I regret that. I love you. Two things. When I was in fifth grade, one, I did a speech on Nolan Ryan. We had to dress up like a famous person and give a speech to them. And I did it as Nolan Ryan. And other people did not do that. They did famous people.

I did Abigail Adams when I entered Yale.

Oh, there you go.

JPC. Do they have education where you're from? I remember one time I dressed up, we had to dress up as a character from a poem and do a reading of a poem, and I dressed up as Bess, the landlord's daughter, from the poem, The Highwayman, and I wore one of my mom's dresses.

How'd that go?

I fucking was a king, I was a god, I was untouchable. People would look at me and they would try to start shit and the shit would be over.

We also had a thing, the other thing that this reminded me of, finding this book reminded me of, was in fifth grade we had to, it was something where it was like you have to bring in an object that reminds me of someone, that reminds you of someone in your family that's not like your immediate family. And so I was living in Columbus, Ohio at the time, and my uncle owned a restaurant called Firdos, which is like a Middle Eastern restaurant, and I would go in and help him every once in a while, just like chop garlic or something. But he gave me the full innards of a lamb, so it was like the esophagus connected to the lungs, connected to the heart, and I brought in a cooler and brought that in and held it up and talked about Hey Riddle.

They're like, oh, he'll kill a lamb.

No, I think I was like, everyone's like, this guy, like, don't fuck with this guy.

Yeah, he's got lamb guts just all the ways. I got lamb guts. Do you guys remember when you were in school, it was probably like a regional thing, where like late at night you watched your principal strangle somebody and then you had to keep that secret?

There's been a motive. Did you guys ever read, here's a litany of books, My Teacher the Alien, How to Eat Fried Worms, My Teacher Glows in the Dark, M is for Monster. Do you ever read those books? M is for Monster?

I don't remember, probably. I have no idea.

Erin, you seem very over- I read where the sidewalk ends recently.

Do you have to hold up?

It's so good. I like the lazy, lazy, lazy, lazy, lazy, lazy Jane. She wants a drink of water, so she waits and waits and waits and waits for it to rain.

That's funny.

I also think, didn't he do the genuine anteater the pet owner told my dad? It turns out it's an aunt eater and now my uncle's mad.

Yeah, this is fantastic. Also, I love those little trees. Well, if the uncle would eat her then it wouldn't be a problem. Uncles, go down on your wives!

Your wives? You're in here, Riddle Riddle, we are pro going down on your wives. Yes, yes. Honestly, it's finalingus. If you enjoy doing it, it is finalingus.

Also, you should always do it.

Do you remember those NBC The More You Know PSAs? I think that they should just do those today with going down on your wives.

And it's so stoic and serious, not a hint of humor.

No. I'm Zach Braff. Can we see some quick PSAs for almost like those, the more you know, some quick PSAs for going down on your wife?

Yeah. Getting pubes in your teeth isn't funny.

But giving your wife pleasure certainly has nothing to laugh about. I'm dealing with Dermot. Am I the only one doing these? Do another one.

Do another one. Do another one.

Hi, it's me, Papa John. Better ingredients, better pussy. Eat Your Wife.

Hi, I'm Eric McCormick from Will & Grace. And I think... Take it from a guy who plays the game, man. But is married to a woman in real life, I think you're an entitled asshole if you don't go down on your wife and you expect the same from her. Every couple is different, but you really should be doing that without her having to ask a bunch of times.

Hi, it's me, the leading rusher of all time, Emmett Smith. In 1993, I played for the Dallas Cowboys and I rushed for over 3,000 yards. But what I don't rush is what I'm eating out my wife. Take my time.

Pretty kitty. Hi, I'm Neil Flynn from NBC Scrubs. Over 400 people die in car accidents every year. Those people could be saved if they were just wearing their seatbelts. But I want you to unbuckle that belt, rip those pants off, and let me go to town on that contract.

It shouldn't be in the arms of an angel, it should be in the legs of your wife. In the legs.

I blacked out and don't remember how we got here.

This will all be cut out. I would love it if celebrities were like, they were like, yeah, you agreed to do a PSA, right? Be like, of course. It's helpful. It's like, what's it on? It's on a, you know, just like reciprocating oral sex.

How about we do one more of these and then a final listener submitted and then we're out of here?

That's the end of the show. That's the end of the show forever. Yeah, let's do one.

Here we go, last one. This is called One Word Solves a Mystery. A local merchant was, this is, I'm sorry, a local Natalie merchant was preparing to go on a selling trip. After loading his boat, he... A selling trip? To work? Loading his boat, he waited on a, he waited on board for his servant. Seeing the merchant waiting alone, the boatman decided it would be easy to kill him and steal his goods. The boatman quickly attacked and drowned the merchant and took the goods to his own house. Then he created an alibi. He went to the merchant's house and asked why he had not come to the boat. The merchant's wife had all her servants go looking, but they could find no trace of him. In time, the investigation reached the magistrate, who sent everyone out of the room except the merchant's wife, and asked her for an exact description of the events at the time that the boatman first came to ask about her husband. My husband had already been gone quite a while, said the wife, when the boatman came to our gate and called, Mistress! Why hadn't the master come down yet? Next the magistrate talked to the boatman who repeated exactly what he had said when he went to the merchant's house. That's it. The magistrate told the boatman, the merchant was killed and you are the killer. You just confessed. What confession protested the boatman? Do you know what confession?

I know it.

Oh, I don't know it. Do you want me to say or do you want me to... DBC, you want to give some fun, fun, dumb answers?

So this is the boatman and he's yelling from the gate to the mistress and that's the confession. Did the exact text matter of what he said?

So he said, mistress, why hasn't the master come down yet?

Oh, because he misspoken. He said, Mistress, why hasn't the master come drown yet? No, down yet. Not drowned yet. I'm stabbed yet. Stop. Ah, boy, boy, boy. Yeah, but thrown in the water yet. Boatman, what are you doing? What are you doing?

Before I say the answer, JBC, I'm going to be the woman and she's up in her window and I want you to come and yell and completely blow it.

Sure. I got it. Hello? What? Is someone out there? Hello? What are you holding above your head? Mistress! Mistress, it's me, the boatman. God, what is your name? Oh, boy. Can we just call you The Boatman? Yeah, just The Boatman's fine. Mistress, your husband was supposed to come down, but he said he was running away with his secretary, Heather, and so he's gone. He's Splitsville, and I've always loved you, and I just came here to let you know.

What is your name?

Boy, we're getting hung up on this. People call me Boatman.

Yeah, but what's your, like when you weren't, you weren't born a Boatman, I'm sure.

It's Dick's cocks butt.

Okay, well I'm gonna head into that bag.

Hold on, hold on. People call me DCB, baby. Come on.

No, no, no, no. He would have called her Madam.

Yeah, he called her Mistress.

Madam!

Wait, what?

He called her Mistress instead of Madam. Mistress is, she's single. Single?

And look at the mingle. The answer says, when he came to the merchant's house, he called only for the mistress. He called for her because he knew, having killed the merchant, he wasn't there. So instead of saying like, hey merchant, where are you? Are you home? He immediately said, mistress, why hasn't your husband come to the boat?

Yeah. And you never talked to a man's wife. You never talked to a man's wife. No. Man oh man.

I remember... This is probably one of our more sexist episodes. What do you think?

Well, I mean just any episode with me and Adal Rifai. I think that it was our most sexist episode by far, but I do think it's important to remember that, you know, going down should be mutual. And if you're a kid who listens to this, I'm fucking sorry. But grow up kids. No, kids should know. If you're a kid, Give us some years.

Nothing is more important than consent. That's all that you need to know.

Yes, okay, yes. Nothing is more important than consent. Kids, grow up, go down.

And consent.

Yes, that's what I'm saying. Consent's the most important. I'm Zach Braff. Nothing's more important than consent. Grow up, go down.

That's the PSA.

Alright, we're going to close things out with an email. This is from Gregory Heiss. My Heiss. My Heiss School's mascot was a Boilermaker. This says, hi guys. Um, you could have said hi hosts. Yeah, he forgot about Erin. Thanks for making the podcast. I just finished up the first episode. Oh, when was it since June of 2018? Um, I just finished up the first episode and figured I'd send it over a personal favorite. Uh, so here is the riddle. Listen up because Gregory Heiss says so. Okay. Gregory Heiss was that dancer, right?

Incredible dancer.

Left alone, I'm a word with five letters. I'm honest and fair, I'll admit. Rearranged, I'm of no use to trains. Again, and I'm in overt place, warm and well lit. Again, and I'm in overt place, warm and well lit.

Ooh, I can't do this one.

Left alone, so I feel like it's like four answers. Left alone, I'm a word with five letters. I'm honest and fair, I'll admit. Rearranged, I'm of no use to trains. Again, and I'm in overt place, warm and well lit.

So, it's something that is five letters. If you rearrange those five letters, it's something that's of no use to trains. And it's something that if you use twice, it's a warm and well lit place. Uh, sounds like it. Warm and well lit. Warm and well lit. Cave, cave.

What's a five letter slide? I wonder if that's what that means. If it's used twice, it's that. Or used again. So I looked at the answer, or one of the answers, and when it says again and I'm in overt place, it means again rearrange the letters. Oh, got it. So it's like the first answer is left alone and I'm a word with five letters, I'm honest and fair, I'll admit. That's one answer we're looking for. Okay. But then also keep in mind, if you rearrange the letters to this answer, it becomes a word that's of no use to trains, and rearrange again, it becomes an overt place, warm and well-lit.

What's no use to trains? Oh, they're trains.

They don't drink water. Roads? Hey! Roads? We're no use to trains. Real quick, JPC. Yeah? Do trains drink water? Yes, or... Erin. Sorry, sir.

Choo-choo! Oh, that's something.

Choo-choo.

Roads. I think it's roads. Roads are of no use to trains.

JPC roads? Where we're going, we don't need.

But if you rearrange roads, do you get a warm and well-lit place? God damn it.

Is it not roads? Is it what? Is it not roads?

It's not roads. Damn it. You're not terribly far off. I will say... Wheels? One of the hints is, left alone I'm a word with five letters. It is not five letters, it's four letters. And that is part of the hint. Left alone, I'm a word with five letters. So there's an S. Drops of Jupiter. So it's four letters, but if you leave it alone, it's five letters. And three letters took him to his final resting place. Y'all don't hear me.

I don't know this. I don't know this either.

Okay, the answer is liar. The riddle says here, the riddle is tricky, as indicated by the title, and each of the lines is a lie. Left alone, I'm a word with five letters. The word is actually four letters. I'm honest and fair, I'll admit. Obviously a liar is the antithesis of honest and fair. Rearrange time of notice to trains. Rail, an anagram of liar, is an incredibly important facet to the function of trains.

Oh, so this was opposite day.

Again, I'm an overt place, warm and well lit. Layer is another anagram of liar, and it's a hidden dark place, the opposite.

I guess they're all lies. I should have looked ahead, they're all lies. This was on opposite day. You had to know that it was opposite day to do this, Riddle. It is opposite day. JPC, I love you.

This is a tricky little thing. What do you feel about me on opposite day?

Um, you are ugly and not talented.

That's so mean. Wait, no, you said it was all- Well, it's- A trap I made for him just now?

Looks like it just turned midnight here on Office. Ah, fucks. Oh no. 12.01. Perfect timing, Adal.

You can email us at hrrpodcast.gmail.com if you want to send tricky, stinky riddles like that.

And we'll read your riddle eight months later.

And we're on Instagram and Twitter at HeyRiddleRiddle if you want to talk to us about anything else.

If you want to tweet at Erin what bird you think she mentioned in that Patreon episode, it sounds like you're going to have to subscribe to her Patreon. It's only $5 you get an episode every single Friday plus we drop some bonus episodes and that's at Patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle.

Someone make me that hat. Please make me that hat.

Someone make Erin some clothes. She's running naked through these woods.

Someone go ahead and make Erin the Hat.

Speaking of giving Erin a hat, you can call her Erin Keif 10 on Instagram and Erin Keif 2 on Twitter, but I don't really tweet.

But you have like 2700 followers.

Yeah, but I'm gonna disappoint all of you, and that's too many people to disappoint.

What if you only tweet bird sounds?

That's ridiculous.

That is, actually that's a healthy brand for you. You can find me at Adal Rifai, you can come see the show that we all do, and I started to cry. We can all do a show that I called World Ins tonight, come check it out, come say hi afterwards. Please yell, Phoebe Pee, Pee-bee-bee-bee.

You can find me at work. I work a day job. You can find me there. That's where you would come to kill me. If you do want to do physical harm, that's the best way to do it. Please don't kill us. No! You can kill me.

Okay, kill... I don't want you to kill any of us. Please don't kill me.

And Erin, with your final breath, with your death rattle, you would probably yell the word... Jupiter! I'm gonna live somewhere. Bye, forever.

created by Adal Rifai, starring Erin Keif, and John Patrick Molynek. AG Snyder did the editing, and already parented the music. Logo created by Emily Cardemas and Emmoe Nemours.

That was a Headgum podcast.