Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Riddle Set Go. It's Hey Riddle Riddle. I'm Adal Rifai. I'm JPC.

And I'm stressed. Are we supposed to be running? I'm Erin Keif.

Erin, let's dish. You're stressed.

Well, not really. Having a great weekend. Doing great.

You're having a great weekend even though this is a Wednesday.

Yeah, I guess so. You're full of shit.

We canonically record these episodes at midnight on a Tuesday so that they get released on a Wednesday morning.

Just so we're super topical.

We're like South Park. We're just like South Park. Oh boy.

Every week we kill one of our co-hosts and then they come back the next week.

Do they still do that on South Park? You know what? Don't give me any spoilers. I'm about 15 seasons behind. Don't tell me how it works.

Who's our Old Man Pussies?

I am Old Man Pussies. Whoa! He was having a great weekend with his Old Man Pussies. Two of my friends got engaged. I took an Advil, two Advil PMs, and then I slept. You accidentally took two... No, I took them on purpose. And then I woke up and then I ate breakfast and then I fell asleep the rest of the day.

And that's good news?

But then I had a great rest of the day. I did world news with you idiots. Someone came to the world news show dressed as Nintendo Cafe, which blew my sister's mind, and now I'm here with you.

Okay, this timeline has got me all fucked up because I don't understand.

You took an Advil PM. On a Friday evening. I took two.

Then you went out and fucking partied.

No, I didn't.

You just had dinner and went to sleep.

No, I didn't eat anything. Advil PM.

Oh, the PM stands for Post Meal. So this is what the show has come to.

Yeah. Sorry. I'm holding puzzles and I'll get into it.

I have to discover Erin's lies. Because if I let her lies go unchecked, it's chaos. It's anarchy.

Alright, name six lies I've told.

You are under the age of 20.

Oh, thank you.

Wait a second.

You tell me six lies that I've told. Oh, thank you.

Thank you so much.

No, Erin, I don't think that you're a liar. I just couldn't follow the logic of the story because I thought it was a riddle. And I thought, I'm already in a riddle brain, so my riddle brain is working at maximum efficiency, which is 20% of a normal person's brain. And 80% of a dog's brain. I'm like limitless, except I have a bad defective dog's brain.

Does that make sense? Yeah, it actually makes a lot of sense.

But he's still a good boy. Yeah, I'm like Bradley Cooper, limitless, although I have the body of a soft-boiled potato and the brain of a dog who's all horny.

So, what's up? Other than the fact that I'm old man puzzles, are we ready to get into it? Or does anyone else have any questions about this? Well, I was handed a box by Joe Gallagher. Do you know him? He's in the community.

Yes.

Great. He's great at taking pictures if you want to hire him, but he knows that I do the show and he handed me a box of riddles. Are we ready?

What?

What?

A man handed you a box of Riddles? Okay.

And then he disappeared when I turned around to look at him again.

And he's great at taking pictures.

Erin, first of all, that's a burlap sack. Second of all, that's full of snakes. Oh, well, he said they were... You are being bitten repeatedly.

Wait, a burlap sack full of snakes, and Erin, which is the real one, who do I shoot? Erin, did you hear what I said?

I heard it was mean.

I called you a burlap sack full of snakes.

Was that your margin question?

I thought we could do something a little different. And the risk in this is we might have a riddle we've done before, but even better. I'm going to try to do these as quickly as possible. And if you miss it, I'm going to do a you got it pile and then you don't have it pile.

When you said that you wanted to try something a little different, did you mean that we should all be nice to each other?

No, I don't think that people would like that. It would be like watching a puppy hang out with an alligator. People would be like nervous the whole time.

Yeah, that's true. Actually, that's what they're doing for the puppy bowl next year. They're tossing in a Cayman. Neil Cayman, American Gods.

Oh, are we ready? Yes. And do you want it so I give a win for JPC, a win for Adal? Should this be a competition?

No. Adal and I prefer to work together. We're best as a team.

Alright, so you two are the alligator and I'm the puppy.

We're doing a buddy cop spec script, it's called Dipshit and Nobody. I play nobody. Yeah, me too.

Okay, alright, are you ready?

Yes. Papa, horny, four, pussies. Okay, I'm gonna put Dipshit and Nobody in my office. We're both nobody. We've been in your office. It's nice in there, Chief. You've got nice quaintons.

This movie sounds really bad. Yeah, it's a TV show. Are we ready now? We know our limits. On your mark, here comes the timer. Get set.

Can't you just say Riddle, set, go like it did up top? Just to support that.

Riddle, set, go! What can be returned without being borrowed?

Package.

What can be returned without being borrowed? Return of the Jedi.

A boomerang.

A greeting.

A boomerang works.

If I am your brother, but you are not my brother, who are you?

Sister. Adal.

Adal. What is covered in holes and yet still holds water?

A net. Somebody who's been shot in the wild west.

Covered in holes but still holds water. Net.

Covered in a hole that still holds water.

Airplane. Airplane.

Airplane. Airplane.

Airplane.

Airplane. Airplane. Airplane. Airplane. Airplane.

Airplane.

Airplane. Airplane. Airplane.

Airplane. Airplane. Airplane. Airplane. Airplane.

Airplane.

Airplane. Airplane. Airplane.

Airplane. Airplane. Airplane. Airplane. Airplane. Airplane.

Airplane. Airplane. Airplane.

Airplane. Airplane. Airplane. Airplane. Airplane.

Airplane. Airplane.

Airplane.

Airplane. Airplane.

Airplane.

Send in those Nimbus cumulus clouds.

All our three listeners who know about the musical A Little Night Music are going to love that joke.

And our four cloud listeners as well. Please say Stratus.

That's who I am. Who's the biggest? Mr. Larger, Mrs. Larger, or their baby?

Mrs. Larger, women are bigger.

Okie dokie.

In terms of their personalities.

No.

And in Japan.

Who's the biggest? Mr. Larger, Mrs. Larger, or their baby?

None of them. They're all the largest. Nope. Uh, their baby.

Quickly? Mr. Larger. Yeah, why?

Their baby?

Yeah, why?

Because, baby, it's cold outside.

Nope. Quickly?

Who's the biggest? Their baby because... Because he's the biggest baby. He has the baby's... Is it fucking sensitive?

Because it's a little larger.

Mother... Woof. ...skunker.

Can I see that card? I'm gonna put that in the fireplace. I'm gonna tear that down. No, don't!

Don't! How do you say race car backwards?

Race car. It's a palindrome. It's a palindrome. How do you solve a problem like Maria? Race car.

How do you say race car backwards?

You turn around and say it.

No, race car backwards. Race car backwards. In what way can five come before four and three?

If five eats four out.

I was going to say if there's four play. If there's four play.

If there's four play. That's funnier.

In what way can five come before four and three?

If you're counting backwards. If you're dumb.

We've had something similar to this before.

In what way can five come before? Oh, in the dictionary.

Is this about cuckolding? Okay, dictionary never mind.

Never mind. Okay, what comes next in the following sequence? Oh, T-T-F-F-S.

O-T-T-F-F-S. FFS stands for fuck's sake.

No.

Yes it does. Yes it does.

O-T-T-F-F-S.

O-T-T-F-F-S. I don't care. This one is one that I don't care about.

No you do. O-T-T-F-F-S. Friday, Saturday. O-T-T-F-S-S.

Overtime. Tell me fuckface.

A-B-C-V-E-F-G-H-I-J-K-L-M-A. Do it again.

O-T-T-F-S. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

So what comes next? Your parents have five sons and each son has one sister. How many children are there in your family?

Everyone. Everyone's a child. Wait, what?

Your parents have five sons and each son has one sister. How many children are there in your family?

Six.

Sisters are related to brothers by brother or sister relations.

What?

But if you say how many children are in your family, every person, every human is a child. Every kiss begins with K. And K stands for kid.

You got it. What needs to be fed to stay alive but dies if given a drink?

What? Erin. Erin. The answer is Erin.

Oh.

You get drunk so fast.

This is fire. The answer is fire. And the drink is piss.

Oh my gosh. What flies when it's born lies when it's alive and runs when it's dead. Don't say me.

River.

What flies when it's born lies when it's alive and runs when it's dead.

Man. What's the second part? Are you saying lives?

Lies. L-I.

So it flies, lies, and runs.

What flies when it's born, lies when it's alive, and runs when it's dead.

It runs when it's dead. The Senate?

It's a snowflake.

It's a snowflake.

From what five-letter word can you remove two letters and yet only have one left?

Any word that has one in it.

Yeah.

Twuns. Twuns.

Twuns! And twuns! A word that isn't a word, so congratulations to you, sir. I'm going to put this in the baby girl. Here we go.

Erin, Erin, loner.

Nope. Stoner. What? The word I was looking for was stone. The timer has gone off.

Let us count how we did. Remember Adal has one in his hand that he also... That he said he was going to rip up, but he didn't.

I'll add that to the note pile. You got five correct.

Erin just built her Wendy's.

No, I got it.

But let's count to maybe as a right.

No, we will not. We'll count it as a wrong.

Okay, well here's a compromise. I accept your terms. How about that?

The reason why I decided to do this, and we're going to do it again in a second, is we get a lot of complaints that we don't do enough riddles on this show. So I was going to try to have this be the episode where we do the most riddles.

Also, when we get a lot of complaints, every week about, and I'm going to skew our numbers here, about 90 million people listen to this show. We get maybe 45 million people asking us, telling us that we don't do enough riddles.

Maybe 45 million. How about we do this? Here's what I'm going to pause it. Let's say for the rest of this episode. Did you say pause it or pause it? We're going to pause it. Let's like press pause.

Okay, press pause. Okay, hold on. Okay. KJ, keep recording, keep recording. This is definitely being recorded, but we're pausing it.

So this doesn't count. Oh, I'm sorry. I mean PAWS.

Yes, go to Paul's Chicago, adopt a spaghetti.

Adopt a doggy. Adopt a doggo. Here's what I'm going to say. How about for the rest of this episode, we just do as many riddles as we can. We don't bring any fun or joy to the show. We don't do any jokes. There's no banter or humor. No improv scenes. We just do riddles at as many as we can. Just kind of serve up a heaping play to fuck you. Does that make sense?

I think we should do scenes because that's what brings us joy.

Well, it's not about us.

It's about... I want to see a scene right now in the middle of this pause. Adal, you're going to be playing the role of a lifetime. Adal Rifai. You're going to be playing Adal Rifai circa, let's call this, June 2018. You're going to be approaching Erin. You're going to be playing JPC. You're a young hotshot improviser. Talk of the Walk, one of the biggest names in town.

I don't know.

And I will be playing the character Erin Keif. Erin Keif is kind of this like effortlessly gorgeous country bumpkins from Boston. And Adal, you're gonna be approaching the two of us, and we're out on a roller skating date, but you're gonna be approaching the two of us.

Were we dating of June of last year?

We were dating the roller skates.

Okay.

Wait, we were dating Judith last year.

Yeah, we both dated. We all three of us dated a man named June in July of last year. But you're going to be approaching the two of us about coming on your Riddle podcast and we're going to have some pitches to make it better.

Okay. I'm glad I skated up to you two and caught up.

Yeah, we're all going at the same pace and we don't have to pant very hard.

Oh, Erin, you lost your country accent.

Did you notice that like a year ago I stopped wearing bandanas? Call me interesting? Call me interesting.

So I thought to, I mean, we've talked a little bit about this, but I thought to go ahead and do that podcast I was thinking about.

I am podcast fogger, can you milk me?

I love riddles. JPC pump that breaks me.

I love riddles, and I'd love to do your podcast, and I do love riddles.

Oh, Erin, I'll hold you to that. Yeah.

So basically what I was thinking... And I love attention, and I got attention fogger, can you milk me?

We both do that, JPC.

We both love attention and we need it or we die. I like it, but can we maybe do a segment on the show where I bring in a lot of my bullshit from my Boston family and I maybe just talk about the departed once or twice and maybe the movie The Town every episode. And we talk about maybe my dirtbag brother-in-law Mitch. That's kind of my pitch for the direction of the show. Yeah, that's kind of fun.

JPC? Can I just be a garbage villain who just continues to make everything I touch worse?

Like a reverse King Midas?

Yeah, exactly. And I'm gonna talk about spaghetti, my dog, and the dish that I love, and then I'm gonna keep bringing up gremlins, and I'm gonna keep bringing up the same quotes from Robert De Niro says, and that's sort of gonna be my thing.

Okay.

But I am, Erin and I are gonna form a really beautiful friendship that will last well into 2025. Okay, so you're in.

Uh, Urine, I'm getting thirsty. No, I'm just kidding. It's not true that I drink piss, even though it is widely accepted and known about me. And it is one of the reasons I get so many UTIs. By the way, could we maybe do a segment on the show where I talk about my UTIs and then act shocked when people on Twitter message me about my UTIs?

Even though in fairness, they should not be doing that. Hey friends, I think I'm just gonna stick with magic to everything. Yeah, that's a good call.

Shark Barkman on Instagram. That was the most fun scene I've ever done. Also, I stopped drinking piss in 2016, but I've heard enough about it.

Yeah, exactly. Doesn't Gwyneth Paltrow drink her own piss, or there's some celebrity... Oh, in New York there's Piss Rat.

Yeah. There's that rat they found drinking its own piss. Piss Rat. Piss Rat.

Do you want to try to beat your record?

Hey, real quick. Are we happy that we did this podcast?

Oh, I'm so happy I did this podcast.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a great question. Why are you making a jerking off motion? Oh, this is a talking motion. Oh my god, is that what people associate this motion with? I don't know if I've ever said this on air. If I have, please stop me. But it was JPC and I for maybe two years were talking about doing a podcast. And I think what we had settled on was maybe being like Zoo Crew. We had some bad ideas. We had some bad ideas. We're going to be like a Zoo Crew team. Like a morning radio team. Like a morning radio team and just like do like interviews with like fake people promoting whatever they're in town for and stuff like that. So this podcast. So this podcast. And then at some point we thought to bring on and then the whole idea changed. That's sweet. So I want to just let everyone know and blame Erin. You're the reason we don't have that amazing morning zig-proof show.

106.4 The Bear. I'm Donkey Kong. And I'm Kongy Donk.

That's what you would have been missing out.

Yeah, can you imagine that for 60 episodes?

In October of 2017, Adal mentioned that to me offhand, and I was like, I'll say yes to this. It'll probably never happen. Everyone's so busy, Adal's so busy. And then in April of that year, we recorded seven episodes. Hey Riddle.

Yeah, I was like, I have too much of my life going on to do this podcast right now, so I have to stop doing some things. So I wrote both of my brother's letters and said, I'm no longer going to be your brother. It's been chill. It's been a nice... It sounds like such a seven year old move of like... It's been a nice 30 years, but no longer are we brothers. If you see me on the street, you will be a stranger to me.

The one thing I know about siblings is it's not chill.

No, it's not true. No, me and my brothers are pretty chill with each other.

I can't relate.

Yeah, it's because my family's not Boston trash. We're all Indian and nice.

We're nice.

We're actually all nice to each other. We say, no, you go through the door. And I'm saying, no, no, you go through the door. And then we realize.

And then no one goes through the door.

We're not even going into this prison.

Are you ready to beat your record? This time it's serious. There's higher stakes.

Okay, this time it's serious.

I'm going to throw a cup of water into one of your faces.

Hey Riddle Riddle, this time it's serious. We should do Hey Riddle Riddle Nights. How much time do you guys have?

Oh, I was thinking we should do a show on Sirius.

Yeah, Sirius Radio, if you're listening, please give us a show.

If serious radio is listening to this podcast, how? That's a riddle.

But we should do Hey Riddle Riddle Nights, where it's way more serious, a little more adult. Let's all try to talk in a very serious after dark.

Oh, it's 10 p.m.? It's 10 p.m.

The kids are asleep.

Take your boobs out of your shirt.

Say hello to them.

Just like USA Up All Night. Remember when USA Up All Night and they'd be like, We're about to take some boobs out of shirts. Silk stockings.

And on that note, we're going to try to beat our record. Are we ready?

Yes.

Papa Horny.

Papa Horny for boobs out of your shirt.

Puzzies, you idiots. Poppy Goobies out of your shirt. Which is happier, a pound of feathers or a pound of rocks? Same weight.

They're both a pound. Speaking of pounds.

Two fathers and two sons went fishing and each caught a fish, but only three fish were caught. How is that possible?

It was three people, a grandfather, father, and son. We've had that. Yes.

Why is letter B always wet?

Because it's covered in cum.

Oh my god! Wait, why is letter B always wet?

B is for boobies. Because it comes before C. B is always wet. Gah, I died.

That's sort of it.

Is that right?

It's always right before the C. Because it always sits by the C. Yes, it's on a C. What is measured by yard and then worn by the feet?

By the foot.

What is measured by the yard and worn by the foot?

Fruit by the foot. Oh, fruit by the foot.

Not fruit by the foot.

Fruit by the yard. Measured by the yard.

Oh, milkshakes. Milkshakes brings all the boys to the yard. Everyone's super jealous of me at school because I brought a foot by the yard. Everyone wanted to trade their lunch with me, dude. I got 17 Lunchables for that one foot by the yard.

Whoa! Your mom packed you gumshires?

What is measured by the yard and worn by the foot?

Cloth. Clothing. I bet it's shoes. Measured by the yard. I bet it's like backyard or something.

Nope. It is a carpet.

Fuck.

What comes next in the sequence? 31, 37, 41, 43, 47. Death. 69, 429, 11. Death. 69, 429, 11. Yeah, you got it. What comes next in this sequence? 31, 37, 41, 43, 47.

I don't know. I hate these. I hate these and I refuse to do them.

What goes shorter? Erin, this is Hey Riddle Real Nights. Take your boobs out of your shirt.

I know, sir.

And let your penis get shorter. Take your penis out of your shirt.

It's a candle or a pencil. You didn't get it.

There's a video on Twitter that I saw last week of this, it's like Russian people yelling at each other and there's either a very drunk or sleepy man trying to put I haven't seen it, will you send it to me?

What two letters in the alphabet say goodbye?

F you. F you.

You got one of those right.

F off. No. U up. U two. U bb. Buh-bye. U is second.

See you. See you.

Has anyone ever read the book CDB? No, no. It's an entire children's book written like C-D-B-D-B-S-A-B-Z-B. Has anybody ever listened?

Has anybody ever seen a concert case in Jeju?

What? What is it?

Casey and JoJo?

Everybody dance now!

CNC JoJo.

What do the following words have in common? Almost below first, ghost, glory.

All words. They're all words.

Yeah, they are.

They're all holes. Ghost hole, glory hole. Almost.

The classic ghost hole. Watch out in the backyard, Timmy. There's a ghost hole. I don't believe in ghosts.

I want to see a scene. Erin, you're a kid who fell through a ghost hole in the backyard. JPC, you're the aforementioned ghost in the hole. Okay. And this is like the Japanese anime Ghost in the Shell, but it's Ghost in the Hole.

No, me too.

Okay, so it's just a kid fell through a ghost hole and they were talking to a ghost hole. Gotcha.

Boo. What are you doing here in my private ghost hall?

Are you a ghost?

Yeah. Hey, are you a kid?

Yeah, I'm a kid.

You want to see a dead body?

You are a dead body.

Well, yeah, it's my little joke. I'm a dead body. I'm a ghost.

I'm con... I can't... Are you like a 70s ghost?

What does that mean, a 70s ghost? I can button the rest of this shirt, but it's breezy down here.

We cut to just a quick snippet of your sitcom that you used to be on called That 70s Ghost. And this is just the two-minute flashback. Uh, you're a dipshit, Eric. Come on, why'd you say that? Hey, pass me some reefer. I'm your dad! I just won some reefer, dad. You said you found it under my bed. I was in Robocop. Don't be so square.

I'm also realizing I think this actor's dead. We got back to the present.

Anyway, uh... I'm too young to know that reference.

You're too young to know that 70s show?

Fuck you! I was born in 2005. I'm a kid!

Oh, that's right. I forgot we were still doing a scene. This is just how I talk. Okay, kid. Well, look, you fell in my... Oh, and scene.

The timer went off. So here's the thing. You tried to beat your record. You couldn't. You cowards. One, two, three, four. You got four riddles right.

Wait, but we were doing a scene during the time.

I know. Well, that's what happens.

Okay.

We're trying to break our world record for riddles. Wow, this is fucking harsh. This is so harsh. But I didn't finish that. The almost below first ghost and glory, all their letters are in alphabetical order. Oh, we never would have gotten that. That was probably one that feels like a second half of the episode. It's a little bit harder.

Yeah.

That feels like it's gonna be a little bit harder.

Hey Riddle Riddle.

Nights. Nights. Nights. I'm new to the job and I don't know

You're new to being a knight? You just wear armor, you have a sword?

Also, you went through a two-week training program, so you're claiming to be new to the job now.

I'm new to it, though.

Well, you keep saying that, but you... You were being paid for it. You were paid during training.

Yeah, but 50% of what I was going to end up getting paid.

Well, you just had to buy your own uniform, and it's a suit of armor, and that's expensive.

Hey listen, I know sometimes when you're scheduled to lose and you're out there and the crowd's going crazy and they got their turkey legs and coke that you might want to feel like a big shot and win. Throw your fucking matches.

Why?

There's medieval times, baby. Yeah baby, this ain't Creed 2.

You know what I'm not going to? Glory or nothing? And we kill, we kill for real?

Oh yeah, we kill for real.

Why do you think we had to train you?

Why do you think we had two weeks of training?

Alright, well.

We kill for real.

Medieval times.

We kill for real. I went to Medieval Times when I was a kid and I legit watched a night get killed. For real?

No. No. What a terrible thing to see as a child. I went for a friend's bachelor party for Jeff, you guys know Jeff Griggs. I went for his bachelor party and it was me, Jeff Griggs, Brett Lyons, and Jason Chin. And we were sitting pretty close to the pitch. Hey Riddle. Hey Riddle.

A rose for the fellas. A rose for the fellas.

And the guy was trying to ignore me and then started laughing so hard he was crying and then he tossed me a rose. Nice! And that man is... Dead.

He was killed.

Yeah, they killed me the evil times.

Well let's go ahead and take a quick break. This is so that the three of us can change out of our armor back into our normal clothes because of course for every scene we do get into costume.

Full costume, and we do post pictures on our website, and again, that website is hey nevermind.com. So do check that out for all the pictures from our shows. Shit, now we gotta buy that domain. Oh no. And we'll be back after these messages from our Spumplers.

Hey Erin. You're a pretty unique person, would you agree?

Yeah, I'm pretty and unique.

You're unique?

Okay.

Or you nitty? Yeah. What do you sleep on?

Um, sometimes it's just like a bunch of newspapers stacked on top of each other of like, when I've been in the news. Um, and sometimes it's JPC. That's a pretty thin amount of newspapers. Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. And sometimes it's just JPC.

Local girl falls downstairs. What? I said local girl falls downstairs. I heard you. Does it on purpose, goes to jail. Well, Erin, because of your unique, uh, pretty makeup, I don't know how to phrase this, you should be sleeping on the Helix mattress that JPC and I got you.

Yeah. I mean, we know that sometimes people have been like, don't sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, but they mean don't side sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, don't hot sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, because we know that everybody sleeps different. Well, the Helix Sleep Mattress is designed for people who sleep in a variety of different ways.

And you can take a quiz. And it's not the type of quiz that you can fail, so don't worry about that. I worry about that. But it's just a quiz to get to know what kind of sleeper you are.

You took the Helix Sleep quiz, Erin, and you got a don't sleep, right?

The first F ever.

You can find that quiz at helixsleep.com slash Riddle. It only takes two minutes, and it's going to match your specific makeup to a mattress that's right for you.

Yeah, that's why they call it Helix Sleep, because it relies on double helix, so you just enter your DNA into the quiz, and then it tells you what kind of mattress is your soulmate, basically.

And it tells you what kind of mattresses your ancestors slept on. I mean, you'll see that in your dreams.

Yeah, that'll be something that, they don't promise that, but that is something that comes in most people's dreams.

And they have a 10-year warranty, and you get to try it for 100 nights risk-free.

They have a 10-year warranty?

There is a little loophole here because they say 100 nights, but you also get the 100 days as well. So you can sleep at the mattress 24 hours a day for 100 days.

And for me specifically, for Adal Rifai, those are Arabian days and Arabian nights.

That's not something any of the rest of us feel comfortable saying.

And if you sleep next to a partner, half the mattress can be for you, and the other half, the mattress can be for your partner.

Or, you know, you can do three quarters. Just with sprawl. With arms and legs. But right now, Helix is offering up to $125 off all mattress orders. That's $125 off. To get your $125 off at helixsleep.com slash riddle. That's helixsleep.com slash riddle for up to $125 off your mattress order. Don't sleep on this deal. That's not theirs, that's mine.

I guess the way I sleep is I clutch a pillow and I kiss it?

Yeah, I do the same thing but the pillow's in between my legs.

How I sleep is, you know when you get someone in that like choke hold, like with your leg?

Oh, like Zena did for James Bond in that movie?

Yeah, that's what my blankets do to me.

That's helixsleep.com slash riddle. Of course on the pillow I write not a pillow. So when I kiss it it makes sense?

Naturally. You're pretty unique.

Helixsleep.com slash riddle.

Welcome back to the fastest episode we've ever done. We're going to do every riddle in the whole wide world. We're going to break a world record in this Hey Riddle Riddle episode. Are we ready? You two guys.

Yeah, that's right. It's the fastest episode we've ever done. Hey Riddle Riddle Nights. Hold on. Hey Riddle Riddle.

And pause for the laughter that's inevitably happening across the nation.

90 million people clapping into their podcast apps.

That's how I know you like it.

Clap at us. Clap on your app.

Yeah, everybody, I need you. Okay, here's your homework for this week. Hey Riddle Riddle listeners. I want you to film yourself listening to Hey Riddle Riddle and at any joke in this episode, I want to watch you applaud us.

Yes, that's what we want.

And maybe I'll post a montage on our Instagram.

And just so you know, we will not post sarcastic applause.

Yeah, we wanted to look truly earnest and enthusiastic.

Yeah, no little snappy golf applause. We don't want that. Obviously you get moved. We don't want any Trump coming into the State of the Union applause.

Yeah, no Pelosi claps. Also, if you make your cat or dog clap, we will post that.

Oh yeah, certainly. Any animal.

A puppet?

A puppet clapping? Really get creative with this.

But no sex dolls.

No sex dolls. If you make that ass clap, now start a booty quake. And if you start a booty quake, people could die. So if you do that, just know that you're taking your life in your hands and you're taking the life of- Hey JPC.

I know we're having fun. We're doing a podcast trying to have a good time. My uncle died in a booty quake. Oh my god. My uncle died in the booty quake of 83. He was in Nevada and right near the fault line.

I know this in no way diminishes your pain, but my uncle passed from an Oreo cheese quake. He ate it too fast at Dairy Queen and he was... My uncle. My uncle died in the quake or oats. Am I playing the game late? Yeah, he died in Quake. That's terrible. I actually had an uncle pass away from... He was playing the video game Quake for original computer. You know, the first computer. For original computer? Yes, for OC. And he did pass away. I'm so sorry to hear.

I had no more uncles. I had two uncles and that was it. We're going to stick to this and you're going to keep trying to beat your five minute record. And I'm going to not pause it if the scene starts, but I don't want that to make you hesitate to do a scene. I think you can have it all.

Okay, but when you say our five minute record, Just so I'm clear, that is specifically the record for answering riddles quickly, correct? Okay, because I have several five-minute records that if I wanted to try to beat, I could try to beat them now, and I could do that while answering the riddles.

But you don't want me to do that. You took all your teeth out in five minutes. You got back together with all your exes in five minutes.

What am I forgetting? I can do it all underwater.

Are you ready Grundy? Thank you.

All right, on your mark. Riddle, wait. Riddle, set, fuzzy.

A cloud, a cloud.

How many times can you subtract the number two from the number 50?

Once.

Yep.

Because then it becomes 48. You're right.

How far into the forest can you travel?

Halfway, because then you're traveling out of it. Wow, Adal.

A girl fell off a 50-foot ladder but was not hurt. Too bad. Why not? If my girl fell off a 50-foot ladder but was not hurt, why not?

Because it wasn't upright. She caught herself on the glass ceiling.

Alright, I want to quickly see a scene. Dad should work. Oh, it doesn't. Why? But it doesn't work. I want to see a scene. JPC, you are a girl who just fell off a ladder and you're going back into your house for sympathy and you are her mother and you're not going to give it.

Great. Mama, I just fell off a ladder outside.

Okay.

Mama, I'm hurt.

If you're hurt, you would still be laying outside. You wouldn't be able to carry your sorry ass in here.

Mama, that's not true. I can take pain and I can still carry on. That is what it means to be a woman.

Janine, I just saw you fall off that ladder. Ask me how high up she was.

How high up she was.

She was at the very bottom rung, that liar. She fell for the attention.

Okay, well you fucked up. Go outside and grab a switch. Grab a Nintendo Switch outside.

What? I don't want to play Mario Party right now.

You're gonna play Mario Party. You're gonna win the whole thing. We're gonna play the fun levels and you're gonna have to go to the water levels. And guess what?

Guess what? I know you're fucking little shenanigans. I know every time you play Mario Party you say, I'm all-time Yoshi. Guess what? Everyone's all-time fucking Yoshi. No Yoshi.

No, wait, is everyone all-time Yoshi or is no one all-time Yoshi? What can sit in the rain without getting any wetter?

What can sit in the rain without getting any wetter? I can't stand the rain. What does an island in the letter T have in common?

They're both getting a lot of songs.

They need the IT department. What is an island in the letter T? They're both so close to the C. They're far away from the C. They're both surrounded. They're in the middle of the C. They're both surrounded. They're in the middle of the alphabet.

No, middle of. The night. They're both in the middle of.

The C. They're both in the middle of.

T and island.

Oh, they're both in the middle of Long Island Iced Tea.

No. What is an island in the middle of?

The ocean. The ocean? The water. The sea?

The sea? The water?

Yep. They're both in the middle of water. W-A-T-E-R. I got to give you too many hints, it's going in the notepad.

Damn it! What menu item KJ hated that you put that in the no pile.

Well KJ KJ Do not tell KJ to suck your dick, Erin. I won't.

I like that you're offering us help, and then when we get it, you're like, uh, shouldn't have gotten that help.

No, because it took you too long. I'm the I'm the king.

Okay.

And KJ can live. Ooh. KJ's not getting killed at this medieval times. What menu item does B-A-N-A-N-A represent?

B and A. What minuet? Banana. Banana Fosters. Banana bread. Banana... Banana split. Come Mr. Tellyman.

What can be opened but never closed?

Your freaking mouth. Oh my god.

Frogs.

Oh my frogs. I'll talk forever. Oh my frogs.

I'll talk forever.

What can be opened but never closed? The Bible.

Oh my goodness gracious.

What can be opened but never closed? Pandora's box.

No, but I feel like that's true, I guess. Yeah. But this is an answer that is, it's always an answer.

A present, a gift.

What can be opened but never closed your relationship? Your eyes. Oh, two, one.

An egg.

An egg. You can close an egg.

No.

It's hard. It's hard as hell. I have nipples, fucker. Can you milk me?

There it is. What can be empty and full at the same time?

Heart. Birth bag. Can be empty and full.

Oh, this is so stupid. You're not gonna get this.

Oh, then I give up.

A car park. If it's empty of cars, then it's full of spaces. What word looks the same when turned upside down but not backwards? Pterodactyl. No.

Oh, lol. No. Mom.

What word looks the same when turned upside down but not backwards?

So it's gotta be Turned upside down. If it's like W-O-M, right? If W-O-M was a word and you put that upside down it would still be... This word has W and M in it. So it's something with W's and M's because when you turn it upside down it's gonna stay.

What's another letter that when you turn upside down?

Oh.

Yes, but that's not what else. So it has I, W, and M in it. And I'm one more letter that's in it twice.

My wife. My wife? I don't know.

It swims. Let's do a count. How did they do KJ?

Let's does the KJ for the score and KJ wasn't paying attention.

KJ was reading their book. KJ was taking notes.

KJ was taking edit notes.

I didn't think it's so funny to throw at a KJ.

And KJ tell them what they've won.

KJ has gone home. One, two, three, four. So far your record is five.

Get that 30 on the floor.

You got five in the first round and then you got one, two, three, four, five. So even if I had given you that one, I gave you all the hits. We still wouldn't have beat a record? Yeah, you still wouldn't have beat your record.

Damn it!

So let's take a big deep breath.

Okay.

Let's do some bunny breaths. Two through the nose, out through the mouth.

I'm sorry, what are these?

Bunny breaths.

Then this is the thing?

This is how bunnies breathe?

Two in the nose, one in the what? And you know this. This is how you do what to a bunny?

Two in the nose, one in the butt. Two breaths through the nose, one out through the mouth.

Two breaths in the nose, one out out the mouth. That's how you smell a flower in a garden.

That's a breath that you do to help you calm down. Sometimes when you're crying you naturally start breathing like that and it helps your body calm down.

You are talking a mile a minute.

Sometimes when you're crying if you breathe two in through your nose and one out through your mouth it'll help you calm down.

Like look how I'm breathing. You have seen someone who's crying start breathing like that without consciously realizing it.

One of my favorite ways to breathe is taking a spray-pant bottle and putting spray-pant into a paper bag and then breathing in the fumes from that. It's called huffing.

It's called Indianapolis breathing.

It's called Indianapolis beer and you do it at parties and stuff and it gets you super, you have a good time.

Oh, fun. Well, I use bunny breaths when I teach yoga for kids, but I should include that next time I talk.

Oh, when I do yoga for kids, I also do some huffing stuff there. It's for teens.

But that's a technique I use with them to help them calm down if they're getting really worked up.

What would they be getting worked up for in yoga?

No, not as, but they will be like recalling something on their day. They'll be like, someone pushed me and bullied me, and they'll be getting worked up. Damn.

Oh, you should be teaching them martial arts.

Or they'll be like, how many times are you going to keep doing that? What? Oh no. Every time you say bye, you do it.

And surely people have thrown down their headphones.

I'm so sorry.

But for everyone else, look around, grab some headphones, free headphones on the ground.

Erin, do you mind if I come in and teach the kids the martial arts?

Let's see a scene right now. Adal, you are going to be teaching a children's martial arts class and Erin and I will be children in that class.

Alright everyone, listen up. I want to let you know that you need to have... Are you Jason's dad? That's correct. I am Jason's dad. What happened to him? Jason got beat up pretty bad. Oh.

I heard he just picked his mom.

He picked his mom.

Yeah, it's a divorce.

Yeah, and the courts. That is also true. He picked his mom, he went to a new school, and he got beat up pretty bad at that new school. Oh.

I heard he's doing really well.

Is this about Jason or about me teaching you martial arts?

Oh, I don't know. You didn't declare what it was about. You just said listen up and we're kids.

Okay, well, here's what's going to happen. I want you to grab Emily's milk over here. Okay. Now Emily, what I want you to do is before he gets away with that milk, I want you to grab his arm by the wrist. Now you're going to make your hand flat, your other hand flat. You're going to curl on your fingers and you're going to jam the palm of your hand into his nose, pushing it upward.

Before I do that, Jason said he didn't want to spend Christmas with you, right?

Yeah, that's right.

Okay.

So push your palm into his- Are you going to be alone?

Or do you have a girlfriend? Or what are you going to do?

I'm figuring things out. I'm in between things.

Yeah. But yeah, I know. I mean, last time I talked to him, he said that your side of the family doesn't talk to you anymore. You talk to Jason?

You talk to Jason? When did you talk to Jason?

This morning.

Aren't you a little old to be figuring things out? I mean, if you were maybe 30, you'd have the luxury of time to figure things out. But you look to be 50, 55.

I'm 32.

You're 32? You're 32.

Now jam the palm of your hand into his nose.

Okay, before I grab the milk, would you mind if I said something threatening when I was grabbing the milk? Can I hear what you're going to say? Sure. I was going to say, I have nipples, Fokker. Can you milk me? Okay, you should know that reference as a kid. What do you mean? We have a substitute teacher we watch meet the Fokkers. I love Owen Wilson.

Wow! Carpool with Jason and his mom. She's a beautiful woman. She seems really happy with her new husband.

Oh, she's remarried?

Oh, yeah. It was like a huge wedding. He's the mayor.

We got divorced days ago.

He's the mayor. He's John Mayer.

Yeah, but they've been together for two years. Weird.

Her body is a wonderland, but I guess I no longer am tall enough to ride that ride.

John Mayer's tall, laying down. Is what I've heard.

Ow! My nose! I did it! I don't think so. Alright, let's try to beat your record again. Are we ready? Yes. How are you?

We're not gonna do it.

What's your confidence level? Zero.

How do I get your confidence up? Okay, my confidence is also zero.

You are handsome, you are kind, you are smart, you take up space, you are interesting, and you can do this. Oh my god, now I'm at a zero.

Okay, now do one for me. You are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are... you are

I was gonna say I want to see a scene where the two of you are the siblings in the band Schmansom. Okay. Clearly this birthday party has hired Hanson and spent a pretty penny to get them and Schmansom shows up.

Okay.

I'm sorry, sorry, sorry.

Are you saying the words dope? This is my child's birthday party.

Yeah, well, I mean we're singing our biggest hit. Also, I don't think that's a Hanson song.

What am I thinking of?

I don't know. Are you Hanson?

What's the Hanson song?

We're Schmansom. What? We're Schmansom.

What's the Hansen song?

It doesn't matter. We're not Hansen. It doesn't matter. We're not Hansen. We don't do Hansen songs.

It doesn't matter.

No, put down that phone. Tell her to get off her phone.

I'm looking it up.

Or I'm going to mmm bop you on the head.

Oh, um, uh, shmoom, shmoop, shmoop, shmoop, shmoop, shmoop, shmoop, shmoop, shmoop, shmoop, shmoop, shmoop, shmoop, shmoop, shmoop, shmoop, shmoop, shmoop, shmoop, shmoop, shmoop, shmoop,

Okay, that was one terrible. Two, your boobs are out of your shirt.

Well, the radio told me to! Look! And his penis is out of his shirt! What are you trying to say?

Look, you hired Schmantham for this party, and we're just trying to sing her a hit. I'm meant to hire Hanson. This happens all the time.

That sounds expensive.

Yes.

They're old now.

Why don't we do this? They're like 32. Why don't we do this? We'll give you 10% of the money that you paid just back and we'll leave and we'll just have cake and we'll leave. No.

What do you mean no?

Okay, you ready to go shit? Fuck off. Okay.

Here's what's gonna happen. You give me 20% back. Okay. You pretend that you're cake the band and you perform for my kids.

Okay, we got a schmort, schmurt, and a shmog. Smack it!

You know that you can just sing the actual words.

I mean that's what cover bands do.

So you have to put a SCH in front of everything?

Maryland Manson. The Beatles.

Shmeetles.

The Spice Girls. Don't make it schmud.

If you want to schmud my schmud, you gotta schmud my schmud.

The Smiths. I'm Smashmouth. We called scene on that 20 minutes ago. Yeah! Okay, let's do this again. I'm glad your confidence is up, because shmoo, shmakeup, schmace.

Okay, so we have to beat five. Okay.

What gets tighter each time it's used?

Pants, belts.

What gets tighter each- You know that's gonna be a vagina.

Knew you were gonna say that, and I'm disappointed.

Snowboard trick. Snowboard trick. That's funny.

I went on Tony Hawk's Wikipedia page for like three- Wait. Like 20 minutes.

What gets tighter the more it's used? A zip tie.

What gets left behind whenever it is taken? What gets left behind whenever it is taken?

What gets left behind the more it's taken?

A tip. What gets left behind whenever it is taken?

A vacation. I don't know. I don't know. I give up. I should move up. A break.

We are fucked here.

I want to see a scene where J.P.C. is walking on the beach and he notices his footprints and then Erin I want you to come in and play God and you're attempting to carry J.P.C. vis-a-vis the poster, the famous poster or saying. I have so many troubles.

What up buddy, wait up! Wait up! Hold on, you're moving a little fast.

Hey, who are you?

Hey, who are you? Are you getting any closer to me? I've stopped moving. I'm walking towards you now. Billion? What, are you the god of the dinosaurs? Okay. Yes.

Yes. No, you're not. You're moving towards me, but you're getting further away.

Okay, I'm going to keep going. This has been, it's been good.

It's been real.

Enjoy the dinosaurs. Okay. That was a workout. Holy smokes, I'm gonna feel that tomorrow.

I gotta say, you may became 25 feet.

Erin, here's what I want to ask you. Did you do cocaine before this episode?

Do you think does it feel like I did? Am I talking really fast?

Um, well we did also, we hung out with you for two hours before this episode.

Well I'm also, I had this plan going in where I thought I'm gonna try to do as many riddles as possible.

Here's what I'll say. I fucking love the energy. I just don't know where it came from.

This is coming from the Spooky Sleepy Ghost, canonically. Actually, this weekend I started listening to this new musical called Six that is really big in London.

Oh, Matt Young saw it and he said it was amazing.

Yeah, it's coming to Chicago and I already bought tickets. I'm so excited. When's it coming? May and then I think it plays through June, but it's about Henry VIII's wives and it's presented like a Spice Girls concert and it is amazing.

Can the three of us all go together? See what? We should see the six. Yeah, we're gonna go. We're gonna have a better time.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was saying Adal, but I meant me and Erin. Oh.

I said hey Adal. That makes sense.

We should go see. They have the same middle name. Who does?

Henry the 8th Kermit the Frog. Yeah, that's a big deep sigh for me.

Kermit the Frog here.

Kill Anne Boleyn. I am!

It enters dry and comes out wet the longer it's in. The stronger it gets.

Okay, okay, okay. Stop, stop, stop.

I tried to say it with no inflection.

You picked up the romantic comedy that you've been writing, the romance novel. Yeah. The romantic comedy. Erin, I'm gonna stop you right there. It's poop.

It enters dry and comes out wet. The longer it's in, the stronger it gets.

It enters dry and comes out wet. It's a tampon.

What does it get stronger when it gains blood?

We've done so many of these why all of a sudden is there like a fuck Riddle in here.

Erin, what gets stronger when it consumes blood? Ticks. Mosquitoes. Vampires. Why is a tampon any different? Any time you give a tampon blood, it's like if you give a mouse a cookie. Some mosquitoes die.

If you give a tampon blood, it's going to want your organs. If you give it your organs, it's going to want your brain.

Watch out because these tampons are very thirsty.

I want to just get some legalese out of the way here. Legally, listeners, the three of us are going to write the children's book if you give a tampon blood. A tampon? A tampon. So nobody else can write that. That is our children's book. Look for it. In spring of 2000. I have blood tampon. Can you milk me?

And you think I'm the one who did cocaine before this episode? Unbelievable. Has it been really that annoying?

No! It hasn't been annoying in the slightest. It's just a matter of we've been hanging out for two hours and then suddenly you just have all the energy of a son. Or a daughter.

Can you imagine what it's like to date me?

Yes! Let's see a quick scene with Erin and JPC. You're on a date. You're at the musical 6.

The answer was a teabag. Keep going.

You're at the Musical 6. This is your first date. You two have never met. You matched on Bumble. And Erin, you're playing yourself. JPC, you're playing whoever you like.

Hey, I don't think these are our seats. These are front row center. We're actually back there and I don't want to get into a tiff with whoever's seats.

Hey Erin, it's Adal! Oh my god.

Hey!

I don't know that guy. You don't know this guy? He knows your name.

It was probably a guess. I sort of look like an Erin.

Oh, alright. Good to see you. Are you sure? Hey man.

No, hold on. I would love to deal with this. Okay. Why did you so boldly and arrogantly walk to the front and pick these things?

Oh, I kind of can come in and sit wherever I want. I don't mean to make a big deal of this, but I'm Luke Skywalker.

That's not what your name said on the Bumble.

I have to use a fake name on Bumble because I'm Luke Skywalker and I'm kind of fake.

Ladies and gentlemen, the musical Schmix will start in just a few minutes. Did he say Schmix?

Yep. Oh, this is Afran 6. Let's get out of here. Well, I'm not going to tell Adal, so.

Okay, okay, okay. Don't tell Adal. Let's get out of here. I got a spaceship parked outside.

Yeah, I've dated enough weirdos.

Shmeen. Shmeen. Smash mouth. Ask me how many you got in that one. Zero. Yeah, we're getting worse at this as time goes on and let that be an indication. Ooh, an indication.

How would Cajun boys say that? Bobby Boucher and a mud dog won a Super Bowl. I was prompting you for indication, but I'll take what I can get.

I think sometimes I don't realize when my energy has spiked because a couple weeks ago I walked into my boyfriend's apartment and then talked to him for 20 minutes and then he got really quiet and I was like, what's wrong? And he's like, you came in here with sort of a manic energy? And I was like, oh no.

Just the other day I walked into a glass plate window and is it because the Diet Coke I got you?

Maybe. I think it's just because I was trying to get my energy back up after being here a while.

Look, we've got lightning in a bottle. Let's not open it up and try to examine it.

Again, not the song. Alright, well, we don't have a ton of time left, but I really want you to beat your thing, so we're gonna... There's gotta be a better way to say that.

Also, we don't need a ton of time for me to beat my thing.

Hey Riddle Riddle, nice. Wait, would you say I had to beat my thing in five minutes?

Yeah, you have to beat your thing in five minutes. Beat the thing.

It's going to be really hard for me to beat my thing in five minutes. Would anyone mind insulting me and maybe spitting? Stepping on my bones.

Okay, well, you have five minutes. If you lose, then we lose all of our listeners.

So this is the final round?

And also, everybody, I really tried to do an episode where we did a ton of riddles.

Just end the thought there. I really tried to do an episode.

I really tried to do an episode and it really fell apart in my hand. Okay. On your marks. No, Riddle. Canoe dog puzzles. Each day a boy rides an elevator up to the fifth floor and then walks to the 10th floor. Why?

He's too small to hit the buttons. Yes, we've had that a thousand times.

I know. I'm like forwards, but in reverse. What am I?

I'm like forwards, but in reverse, the boy.

I'm like forwards.

Don't overthink this. Just word associate.

JPC, I'm like forwards, but in reverse. Oh, is it four words? Nope. The number four? I'm like forwards, but in reverse. I don't know.

I'm not going forwards. I'm going backwards. You didn't get that one.

Come on.

Fuck. How can you pick up a piece of string, one hand holding each end and then tie a knot in it without letting go of either end?

Be a cat.

Um, you can't.

With your tongue, like a cherry stem.

How can you pick up a piece of string, one hand holding each end, and then tie a knot in it without letting go of either end?

You let go of both ends.

Nope, you cross your arms before you pick it up. Ugh. What is special about the number, oh you're gonna hate this, eight million, oh eight billion, five hundred forty nine million, one hundred seventy six thousand, three hundred and twenty.

Turn it upside down, it spells boos. Next!

Thank you, Snake. Thank you. It's the only number which contains all the digits in alphabetical order.

Cool!

Yeah, fun. Which word is spelled incorrectly in every dictionary?

Incorrectly. Incorrectly. We've found that before.

Whoever makes me, tells me not. Whoever takes me, knows me not. Whoever knows me, wants me not. What am I?

Coffin. I've had that before.

Nope. Whoever makes me, tells me not. Whoever takes me, knows me not. Whoever knows me, wants me not. Secret. I knows. Knows job. Nope. Counterfeit money. FOMP! Most people need it. Some ask for it. Some give it, and nearly everyone ignores it. What am I talking about?

Sex with me. Say it one more time.

Most people need it. Most people need it. Some ask for it, some give it, and nearly everyone ignores it. What am I talking about? Advice. Advice. From what can you take away the whole and still have some left? Donut. You've done this one before. Take away the whole. Wholesome. What is put on the table and often cut, yet never eaten?

Daddy.

Uh... Often cut. A cutting board. What has an eye but cannot see? What do people spend a lot of money on every year but never want?

Um, income tax?

Mm, like, something that you're like, you're older and you're obligated to buy this.

Oh, a birthday present for a loved one.

What? A truck is stuck under a bridge and the driver cannot get it out. A woman walks.

Can't get it up?

Can I get it out? A truck is stuck under a bridge and the driver cannot get it out. A woman walks by and stops to help. She easily gets the truck unstuck. How does she do it?

It's a bridge that opens at the top and she deflates the tires.

Yeah.

Fuck.

Amazing. Good job. What is always behind time?

Ghosts. What is always behind time? The second hand.

A battery. Gears. Sort of.

Gears.

I'll give it to you. The back of a clock. Yeah. A cowboy went into a bar and asked the barmaid for a glass of water. Hiccups. The barmaid pointed again.

Hiccups. I had that one.

I know. But this wasn't cowboys before. Hiccups. What is bought for eating it never eaten?

Ass. What? What is bought for eating but never eaten? A silverware.

Yeah, that works.

What was the right answer?

Cookery or cutlery? Cookery.

Cookery is what I said so far.

Cookery or cutlery? Cookery! Cookery! There's a man who shaves several times a day and yet still... Barber.

He's a barber. I had that one just literally two episodes ago.

Tiki Barber. What comes next in the following sequences? WTFSS?

Mark Marin. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

So, what was the last one you said? S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S, S,

Oh, it's paper. Yep. We've had that one before.

If it asks questions, it never asks questions, but yet, oh my gosh, it never asks questions, yet is often answered. What is it?

Sphinx. It never asks questions, but is often answered. Well, that'd be my frickin' life. Doorbell.

Yeah, doorbell. And buzz, buzz, buzz goes the buzzer. Aldrin!

Your moon is calling.

You got one, two, three, four, five wrong. And I think you beat your record right at the end of the episode. How many? One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve,

Call us orange soda because we fucking crushed it.

Fourteen. But I wonder how many of those are ones we've had.

All of them. Most of them. And KJ, what did we win? You had all episodes to be prepared for this. Boy, okay.

I don't think KJ likes us.

But in fairness to us, we don't like us either. That was great. Adal, do you have anything that you would like to plug?

Yeah.

Okay.

I want to plug Hey Riddle Riddle Nights. It's a little more salacious, a little more naughty.

And that's over on our Patreon.

That's on our Patreon. Every every time you log on at Patreon past 8 p.m. You can also check me out on Twitter at Adal Rifai. You can listen to my podcast Siblings Peculare or Hello From The Magic Tavern. I say or because you have to choose. Yeah, you can only choose one. And come check out JPC, Erin, and myself in the show World News Tonight. We've been getting a weekly, we've been getting a lot of fans coming to the show.

We had laser come last night and he's named after the guy from Fiddler on the Roof.

Yeah. Laser Wolf. Zero Mustel. Nice. And we are going to be heartbroken if we now have a show and there are no fans afterwards. Please keep our egos afloat or else we will stop performing.

Speaking of weather up and die, you can watch me on my Twitch show. It's Thursday nights at 7 o'clock central with Eddie Clinker and James Dugan. We play the board game Gloomhaven and that is twitch.com slash one shot RPG. Speaking of one shot RPG, you can also listen to my other podcast, the campaign podcast. And that's about politics? It's about campaign finance reform.

Hi Riddle in the sky.

We make it kind of horny, so it's a horny podcast about campaign finance reform. Corporations of people, unlimited donations, super packs, and just getting down to fingering. So find that on the One Shot Podcast Network.

Erin, anything to plug?

Come see Brady at 10 p.m. on Mondays at IELTS. Is that like a guy? Brady is like a pretty sweet bartender. He's really nice.

Go check out Clark. He's usually on the corner of the McDonald's.

I was like the plug. Doug at Mondays at noon. What is Brady?

Brady is an improv team I'm on with Leila Gorestein and Olivia Nielsen. They are both great. You know them. Yeah, they're wonderful. Yeah, they're really really funny.

I won't copter that on the air.

Yeah, you like both of them.

I don't know them.

You don't like both of them. Not on the air. He likes both of them. I do great. And we have a show every Monday at 10 and follow me, Erin Keif 10, on Instagram for my other shows that I'll plug.

And Erin, if somebody was hiring a planet for their kid's birthday party but they got a knockoff version, that planet would be... Shmoop-it-er. Bye forever.

created by Adal Rifai, starring Erin Keif, and John Patrick Mullen. AG Snyder did the editing, and Marty Perrin did the music. Logo created by Emily Cardamus and Emmoe Nemours.

That was a Headgum podcast.