Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Well, we have something special on Patreon every Friday, uh, Adal, but- You know what I fucking meant. Really? That's the hill you're gonna die on? Yes, I think our show is special!

Okay, there's a little bit of excitement to speak, a lot going on. We're a little excited.

Erin, you saw what he did, right?

I know, okay, well we're a little excited. I gotta work with this animal! This is what it's like to have your birthday party in a week. You guys are really acting out.

But this Friday on the main feed, we are going to be dropping a special bonus episode, which is one of our Patreon episodes, so everyone who listens to the main feed will get an extra episode, and you'll be able to hear the kind of stuff that we do on our Patreon. That you're missing out on. That you're missing out on.

Stop that sweet, sweet five bucks and subscribe.

Additionally, on Friday on the Patreon, we are dropping a very special episode that we recorded back in October, which is us doing an escape room. It's one of those things that we said that we wanted to record more of, so that is going to be on the Patreon feed on Friday.

Yep, we went to Champagne Urbana, which is like central Illinois. We went to the escape room run by Anne Lukman and Chris Lukman, an amazing husband and wife duo who run Adventures in Time and Space in Champagne Urbana, so check that out. Also, this Friday, by this Friday, we will have a Discord up on our Patreon site. So you can pop in there, you can be a part of the Hey Riddle Riddle Clue Crew community. We might pop in and say hi on the Discord.

We all are looking at each other because none of us have ever used Discord before, but we're gonna figure it out.

And I don't mean to overhype the escape room, but something happens at the end of it that is, I think, the funniest thing I've ever seen and heard.

Erin, do we want to give them a little clip of the escape room right now? I guess we can.

This is not the part because I want you to have to listen to it and get to the end, which is when it happens. But here's a little clip of the episode. Can you two boys behave and relax, even though this week is very exciting? Yes, Mater.

I don't like this.

I don't like this bit at all, but you get a little bit.

Enjoy the clip and we'll see you Friday. Bye.

It is the 1980s. You're all piled in a Volkswagen bug, and you're driving through the woods going on a little bit of a road trip when you run out of gas. It's quite mysterious. You remember filling up not too long ago. Nonetheless, it is getting dark and doesn't seem like anyone else is around. But you see a faint light in the distance. You've all seen horror movies before. You know this is a terrible idea. But with a little bit of trepidation, you approach. The cabin in the woods.

You go for a turn?

No! Middle. I'm in the middle the whole time.

Remember to try it not.

You can tell this cabin would probably have guests of some kind for a weed wagger or a chainsaw. But as you approach you knock, don't hear an answer, but you feel a dark presence. You try the door and it opens.

And this is Fish's house?

Good luck! You have one hour to find the gas can and solve the puzzle of the cabin. You'll know it when you see it.

Okay, I've bought into this story too much. You what? I've bought into this backstory too much and now I'm majorly freaked out.

Alright, we're in a cabin. Okay, so it's... We got some furniture, we got a rug, we got a fireplace, we got a record player. Some paintings on the wall.

Some paintings on the wall. Oh, creepy clown doll!

I'm so out.

An old timey couch.

Okay, there's books.

Creepy clown doll.

Erin needs to check the clown doll.

I know one, make me look at it.

Okay, wow, the clown doll is in fact creepy as hell. Oh, oh.

What?

A little girl.

Oh, okay. Oh no, she's caught you. She can stench your hair. There's no way you can make it out. You have to find a gas can before sundown, before she returns. Hurry, I'll try to help you. I've left you messages. Look for them. This, this isn't a normal cabin. There's evil here. Okay, I know we need to focus on the game, but that kid was amazing. Does that kid have an agent? Who is this kid?

Very good kid, very terrified right now.

It was a scale of one to ten.

Guys, we have a lock on this door, so there is eventually something that we're probably going to need to unlock.

Okay, there are, what I can see is four books. One of them is a field guide to ferns.

Adal, can we pick stuff up? I can't remember. Yeah, you can pick stuff up. Okay, I got a zero. There's a zero underneath this. Or an O. Cool.

All right, I am checking the kitchen. There's all kinds of cutting boards. Old timey thing. Do I have to do this?

Oh, there's a book that says tea. Oh, it's in cold blood. Excellent. A creepy book too.

Okay. You guys are going to like this. I found the pet.

I wish I looked at how many pages.

I found the pet. There's a bunch of books about clowns.

Okay, don't make me look at it.

There's a terrible smell coming from the drain. That's what is written in this book. If you find something, leave it open on the counter.

I think they thought, what are the most terrifying?

There's a terrible smell coming from the drain.

Okay, what's the other book? What's this book?

This is a book about teddy bear companions, and it says there's a terrible smell coming from the drain.

Okay, what if...

Oh dude, I'm not reaching my hand down here. Are you fucking kidding me? You gotta reach your hand out of the drain.

Is this a garbage disposal?

The fuck is that? Oh, a key! Oh my god, there's a key in here. Oh, there's a tongue! Oh, there's a tongue on this key!

Erin, Erin! Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. I want to die.

Okay, hold on.

Okay, this door's opening, guys. This door's opening.

Wait, hold on, hold on.

Oh, the clown door is opening.

Oh my god. The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Hey. Oh, then we're going to finish. It was the cat in an oven airplane. He stabbed him with an icicle. And the horse was being riding.

A riddle bit of Erin in the sun.

A riddle bit of JPC all night long.

A riddle bit of Adal dumb as shit. It's a Riddle. I'm Adal Rifai, dumb as shit. I'm JPC, also dumb as a big box of shit.

And I'm Erin Keif still.

Cute as a button.

Cute as a little button.

And degrade yourself.

No.

Okay, that's fair.

Tell everybody you're shit. Just like your two dads. And welcome to another episode. We have a unique situation.

Adal and I are married, but we are divorced. We live in a house with three little babies. They can all talk to the animals in the house. It's not a unique situation, it's just fun for the whole family.

It's kind of fun. Erin just arrived here moments ago after coming in an Uber, they got pulled over. Erin, do you want to talk about being pulled over in an Uber? How so?

Because the Uber driver pulled over quickly to pick me up and then after that the cops were following them and then pulled the Uber driver over and everything was expired.

So how is that your fault?

Because they like swerved to pick me up quickly.

How is it your fault?

I'm a woman, I assume this is on me. But they wouldn't let me leave the car. And I had to wait and I was late. But I still got french fries and a Frosty when I came in here. My stomach feels weird.

We recorded a Wendy's. We recorded it Wendy's and we rewarded your tardiness, which is reinforcing terrible actions.

I am having pains in my stomach because I did have like 20 or 30 shrimp today and now I had ice cream and then I had an energy drink and then french fries.

What did you lose a bet?

Sort of. I was in a sketch that Harrison Lott wrote and mostly it was just me eating shrimp and him throwing shrimp at me.

That sounds about right.

I feel sick.

That's a lot of shrimp.

How are your tummies?

Feels like you played out of fetish for someone.

Yeah. Yeah. There was no cameras and hold on.

Well, I'm a little sick this week. And so when I got sick over the weekend, I went to the grocery store while I was like getting sick. And I was like, what am I going to want to eat while I'm sick? So I bought two boxes of Pop-Tarts and I've had a box of Pop-Tarts. Not today. I've only had four Pop-Tarts today. But my roommate was like, I was eating Pop-Tarts. He was like, hey, more Pop-Tarts. Hey Riddle Riddle. No. No, what am I a fucking maniac?

I don't think I've had a Pop-Tart since I was a very young child.

I went to high school with a kid whose grandpa invented Pop-Tarts.

Seriously?

Yes.

Do you put them in the freezer ever?

Is that Michael Pop-Tart? Yes, it was Dave Pop-Tart. I don't put them in the freezer, I will eat them room temperature, but these I did put them in the little, what's it called, toaster.

Let's get real, what's the best flavor?

Blueberry is my favorite flavor.

I like the maple brown sugar.

Oh, okay.

That sounds good.

Mariah likes the s'mores one, and we got some s'mores ones, and I'll be honest, I didn't enjoy eating them.

Mariah's here.

She can talk for herself.

My iPod charger.

My iPod charger? Hold on. That's me. That's how I communicate with her. She has a very normal voice.

Hey, so I'm Old Man Puzzles.

Hold on, we didn't talk about how Adal's tummy is.

Oh, how's your tummy? My tummy hurt. Uh-oh.

Do you want some of my ice cream? No, I had a Frosty.

Okay.

I had a Frosty at Wendy's. Delicious Wendy's. A name made up for Peter Pan.

Exactly.

That's true.

Are we ready for some warm-up puzzles and riddles?

Puzzles and riddles.

Yes, absolutely.

Okay. How many men were born in 1996? All of them. You think all the men that are currently alive right now were born in 1996?

Because you're not a man if you didn't go through 1996.

What happened in 1996? Name one thing that happened in 1996. NATO.

Vietnam II.

No.

NATO?

No.

NATO was happening.

No. 1996 we're talking Alanis Morissette, Jagged Little Peel.

Are you sure that was 96?

We're talking about President Bill Clinton.

What else are we talking about?

Jagged little Bill. We're talking Mr. Bill on SNL. The blue dress.

I did not have sexual relations with that woman. I did not have kafefe. I am not a cook. What's the answer? I am not a cuck. That's my new mix of depression.

Erin, you like that, right?

I love it.

Speak softly and carry a big cuck. Erin, I'm going to say zero men because them would be babies.

Yes, you're right. Adal got that one. What? Be quick, be quicker, be smarter. Be funnier, be quicker, be smarter.

I was trying to go for funnier and I didn't know that quicker and smarter were going to be on the test.

Although in 1996 there was one man born, although he was reborn from the asshole of a rhinoceros, that was Mr. Ace Ventura.

Are we ready?

What about Boyz II Min?

Does that factor into your answer at all? It does! A man was driving a black truck. His lights were not on.

Ah, no. A boy. It's already safe. A baby. You're talking about a baby.

I got it. His lights were not on. The moon was not out. A lady was crossing the street. How did the man see her?

Daylight. Daylight comes. Oh, you never said anything about the woman being the one who was seeing him. They were seeing each other, romantically.

They were seeing each other.

How did the men see her? He dated her casually.

Yeah. You got it right.

Thank you.

Hey woman has seven children. Half of them are boys. How can this be possible?

Did you just Google Riddle Boyz?

Yeah, no, unrelated to this, I googled Riddle Boys. And I thought, oh, maybe this could work for that show I'm on.

I would love it if there was some weird offshoot Hey Riddle Riddle fans called the Riddle Boys who were like those incels.

It's like the, what's the Peter Pan? No, I was thinking Forever Boyz or what's the... Lost Boyz? Lost Boyz.

Forever Boyz. We're the Off-Brand Peter Pan.

Dude, that would be great. Off-Brand Peter Pan. Why was it all, was it all Boyz? Were the Lost Boyz all Boyz?

Yeah and then Tinkerbell.

Why were they all Boyz? Was that ever explained by J.M. Berry?

I don't know. Oh, yeah.

There is a reason why they're all boys. I'm sure people will let us know on social media why they're all boys, but I can't remember now. Thank you so much. Maybe it's because women aren't into that dumb shit, and so they were like, no, I'm not doing this. Peace out. Let's go back to real life and work.

It's very frustrating for Wendy, I think, because she gets there and all the boys are like, you're our mother now. Clean for us, Wendy.

But also she's got like brothers, right?

She's got two little brothers.

Two little brothers, yeah.

One with the top hat and glasses and then the one with the stuffed animal.

And that big old dog. Poor Wendy.

A woman has seven children, half of them are boys. How can this be possible?

Cut the baby in half. King Solomon.

Yep. You got it.

A woman has seven children, half of them are boys. How is that possible? The other half are girls. Oh, one was stillborn.

I'm not trying to be funny, I'm trying to solve the riddle. Half of them were boys, the bottom half.

Oh, twins. She counts one of her cats as a kid.

Wait, the answer's not twins.

Seven children, half of them are boys.

How is it possible? So, seven divided by two, half, is three and a half. So now we're in a real bit of a pickle. Is one of them like gender fluid?

No.

No?

Fuck. Well, they could be, but... That's not the answer.

When, oh I, in the riddle, when it says she had seven children, that means it's any amount of children, but they all enjoy the movie Seven.

Yes. Oh, one of the children is a grown-up, and so they're no longer a boy, they're a man. Boys to Mid?

A woman has seven children, half of them are boys. How can this be possible?

Give us a hint.

This is a lame, this is a lame answer.

Wait, so is it only seven children? Yep. Okay.

Oh, she's pregnant with one of them and you don't know the gender yet?

No. Fuck!

Oh, one of them's got like two heads.

Nope. Can I tell you the answer?

Yeah.

They are all boys.

Oh. My. God. Now, I don't get it. That still doesn't make sense.

Well, I mean, three and a half of them are boys because all seven are boys. Anyways, I would like to see a scene. So, um, JPC and Adal, you're my two sons and you're the youngest of currently six boys. You're gonna regret this. I know.

We're both the youngest of six boys? Yeah, you're like the two youngest.

Gotcha. And I... I'm pregnant and about to tell you that you're getting a new sibling and we'll see how it goes.

How are you? Christian got yogurt in my eyes.

You got yo- what?

Christian got yogurt in my eyes.

On purpose or by accident?

He was jumping on top of a go-gurt and it squirted onto me.

So it was an accident?

No, he did it intentionally on purpose.

Apologize?

He's a sadist, mama. Never. I'll never apologize. Not until we get yo-plate in the house. I'm not gonna eat anymore.

Yo-plate?

Fucking go-gurt. I want yo-plate.

Yo-plate?

Yo-plate.

You're adding the tea to the end of yo-plate.

Yo-plate. Clean yo-plate.

Okay, well, boys, sit down. I have some news.

I prefer to stand.

Grab your top hat, you grab your little stuffed animal, where I'm having another baby.

Mama Wendy, who's the father? Who's the father? Papa died in the war. Papa died in war. He died in Vietnam too.

You're asking a lot of questions.

Papa died in Vietnam too. 1996, Mama.

So, just someone got me pregnant. Doesn't matter who. Give me a name.

Was it the lead singer of Fastball?

Maybe, maybe not. I did have a lot of fun at that concert.

Well, that's a lot. You must have been the only one.

Do you know Fastball?

Do you want some other guesses of who it might be? They sing that song. The road that we travel on is paved in gold. And there's also Vertical Horizon. That's a different band. There's Google Dolls, Third Eye Blind. Oleander, what are some of the hit bands in 1996? Life House. Life House?

So I'm having another kid and I know you've all been praying for a sister.

Yes, please give us a sister. Please just a sister.

My room is a mess.

Who will cook and clean? Half of us are boys.

I want to know what's the opposite of a penis is. All I've ever seen is this penis, and it's not impressing me.

Mama, brother puts his penis between his legs and says, would you fuck me? I'd fuck me. Everyone's penis is between their legs.

Where's your penis? As much as I would love a daughter too, because this is a living hell.

Uh-huh. Yes, for us as well. We have no father who died in Vietnam too.

It's another boy. I want you to be kind to him.

Okay, what kind? Just a little joke, Baba. I'd love to see you smile.

All right, here's another warm-up one. How many cookies can you eat on an empty stomach?

What? You can't. You eat cookies on airplanes. How many cookies can you eat on an empty stomach? So you've killed someone, drained their guts, now you're sitting on top of them eating cookies? Four. What the hell?

Well Cookie Monster doesn't really eat cookies.

How does Cookie Monster sound?

Nom nom nom nom.

Wrong. He just chews them and they all fall out of his mouth. How many cookies can you eat on an empty stomach?

Nom nom nom nom.

One, because after that you don't have an empty stomach.

He did it. That's smart. He got the answer right. He's Adal. He did it. He got the answer right.

I'm Adal. I got it. I want some cookies. Limp Bizkit is a single. He did it all for the cookie.

Yes, come on.

When two princes come before you, just go ahead now. Okay, are we ready?

For what?

Riddle!

Oh, then yes.

Okay. A king has no sons, no daughters, and no queen.

I think you googled. Yes, King. Boy Riddles.

You have no idea what I googled.

Every riddle involves kids. Release the tapes. We demand to see the emails.

Mostly what I Google is true crime stories that aren't too scary. That's going to be a Patreon episode.

This man had his lunch taken out of a fridge. Now we'll figure out who.

Alright, let's do this. A king has no sons, no daughters, and no queen. For this reason, he must decide who will take the throne after he dies. To do this, he decides that he will give all of the children of the kingdom a single seed. Whichever child has the largest, most beautiful plant will earn the throne. This being a metaphor for the kingdom, I can feel you both completely losing me. I'm losing you.

You can feel us losing you. What are you, my college girlfriend at the end of our relationship?

I can feel you losing me.

I can feel you losing me.

What do you mean, babe? I'm trying to play GoldenEye. GoldenEye, where the fuck do you think I went to college?

I'm trying to play Halo 6, baby, I'm young!

At the end of the contest, all the children came to the palace with their enormous and beautiful plants in hand. After he looks at all the children's pots, he finally decides that the little girl with an empty pot will be the next queen. Why did he choose this little girl over all the other children with their beautiful fists?

Wait, this little girl's gonna be the next queen?

Yeah. Which he didn't have a plan.

Oh no.

It's because... This king is jealous of... He doesn't want to have a bunch of spawn. He doesn't want to put a bunch of children into the air like in line of succession because he thinks that they will challenge his power and betray him. So of course he goes with the Baron Queen who could grow a single seed.

That's why it sounds like my name.

Yes. It's a metaphor for... Baron Queen, Aaron Keif. Now he can... Baron Queen, Aaron Keif, the Baron Queen. The year that you graduated high school as a prom king and a baron queen, right?

Yeah, of course.

Yeah, so anyway, he wedged this baron queen so that he doesn't have to worry about his progeny killing him.

No, but now I know how your brain works.

I think it's the little girl because she was smart enough to save the kingdom's resources. She didn't waste water on an unnecessary charge.

Water, earth, fire, heart, smoking. Heart, rain, and tea.

JBC's on the right track with the king being manipulative. And like, tricky.

So Adal and I shared a little glance during this, and I think I know the answer, but is the seed his cum? Is that his seed that he's giving to these kids?

I'll have the cum sandwich. Can we get that on a t-shirt?

I think we already talked about that.

By the time this comes out, it should already be in the tea public.

Um, no. It is not his cum. Thank you. I said the word that you like.

Thank you for saying it and making eye contact with me. Uh, okay. Well, just because it wasn't, can I also get you to admit that was a pretty good guess?

Pretty good guess.

Wait, what was the time between when he gave them seeds and when he paraded those kids in front of them?

Um, no, let's say four months.

Does how old the kids are a matter? No. Can they be 18? Can we just make them 18? Sure. Great. So they're adults. They're fully consenting adults. Yep.

Is it a matter of in the time allotted, no plant would grow that big? So obviously the other kids cheated and like dug up plants and put them in a pot?

You're on the right track.

Erin, I want to amend that. Can we make them 17, but can we make it in a state that that's legal?

Oh my god, JPC. Wait, let me get my spray bottle that I spray at JPC.

No, legal.

Spray, spray, spray, spray.

I know what it is, but I don't know how to articulate it. Like, it's something where the seeds weren't, they weren't able to be, like, germinated or whatever. Germinated? They're like empty seeds or something. Yeah. These are not real seeds.

I would like to see a scene and Adal you're this little girl and so you've already won. You're gonna become queen. Okay, JBC you're the king and you're like giving her a tour and you're realizing like oh She may not be a great fit.

Okay

Thank you again for making me win the contest.

Yes, absolutely. I didn't make you win, you won fair and square. And this is the kingdom, this is the castle. What are you, 16, 17? 18?

Five years old.

Five years old. Okay, anyway, here's where you'll be staying and I'll see you in 13 years. That's your corner of the castle, that's your kingdom over there, that's your tower. Just stay in that tower, do not come out of that tower.

Okay. Okay. I'll be like Rapunzel.

What's happening?

I'll be like Rapunzel.

Sure. Knock yourself out. You do whatever you need to do. Five years old. A couple of my councilmen are gonna lose their jobs to say the least.

Hi, I'm Annie's mom. Oh, I'm so happy. Thank you for doing this content.

Holy crap. What are you, 22?

Yeah.

Oh, shit.

Annie, tell them some of your ideas for the kingdom.

I thought it might be fun if we took the castle and put it upside down.

Well, yeah, you're a queen. You're gonna be a five-year-old queen. You have policies, your mom says? Yeah.

Oh, yeah, I had the policy that if anyone is caught stealing, that we cut off their hands.

Okay, that's a terrible policy. People love stealing. Stealing stimulates the economy. Well, this would help deter the situation. Okay, yeah, I mean, that's a very drastic measure. What else you got for me, kid?

I thought it might be fun if all children had to be boys.

Oh boy. Alright, let's unpack that. How do we enforce a law like that? I don't know. Oh, you don't know. Okay, so you're just into creating fun, good laws without any enforcement plans. This is gonna work.

What if the jester was a cat?

Now that's something we can all agree on.

Cat jester.

Yeah, okay. I'm allergic to cats. That's not gonna work for me, the king.

What if every time that a star twinkled that we gave the village bread?

That's very sweet.

Yeah, that is very sweet. That would completely ruin our bread economy. The stars twinkle every day. No, no, no. You don't seed me. I'm the king. Stars twinkle every night. You want bread every night? I got a bunch of villagers eating fat nighttime bread. They're all eating bread and going to sleep. Your body can't process that bread. Fat nighttime bread.

I feel like that's how JPC ends every scene. You can't see me, I'm a king!

That sounds like a Frank Zappa song. Fat nighttime bread. Yeah.

I used to say in improv, the show doesn't end when the lights go out, the show ends when I say the show ends. Because the lights come back up, and if I'm not done, I'm still doing comedy. Stay in your seats folks, there's 10 minutes more of this show. I've got two more characters for you tonight.

A woman goes into a bank in Chicago and asks for a $1,000 loan for an upcoming trip she has planned to Asia. The loan officer tells her she will need collateral if she wants the loan. She tells the loan officer, I'll leave my car. It's worth $150,000. The bank takes the car for the loan, laughing at her for leaving such an expensive collateral. A month later when the woman comes back she pays off her loan plus interest costing her $1,020. The bank manager smirks at her and asks, while you were gone we found out you're very wealthy. Why would you get such a small loan and leave such an expensive collateral? She tells him why and he realizes she's not as dumb as they thought. Why did she get the loan?

Does it say how long she was gone for or like how much the interest rate was?

No.

Because I have an idea.

I have an idea too, but it also really depends on that interest rate. What are we talking about? Fixed rate? This is just a flat 2%. Is it compounding?

You came to the right place because I work at a bank.

Fucking Dr. Banks over here. Do you work at a bank?

No! Do I look like I know anything about my... What do you do outside?

I don't know you outside of this podcast.

Yeah, I know. I work for an education... You work for an after school program? Yeah, I work for an educational program for little girls.

Because one time a girl pierced your eardrum.

Yeah, that was when I was nannying. That was in a privacy of a home.

Oh, so you had even more control than you still had?

Yeah, I was the only adult responsible there.

My thought is that real quick, when I was in college, I used to work for a self-storage place. Part of my daily routine was taking the bank deposit to the bank in the mornings. The bank was right across the street. It was not my bank, it was just my works bank that I would deposit this in every day. I worked there for years and whenever a new person would work at the bank, I would put this deposit and they're like, hey, have you ever thought about opening a bank account with this bank? But of course I didn't want to. And there was a new person working at the bank who was a lady one day and I was taking in the deposit and she was like, have you ever thought about opening up a bank account here at KeyBank or whatever? And I was like, actually the only bank that I use is of the Spank variety. And she looked at me and she goes, oh, okay. And I was like, okay. I think it went like completely over her.

She's like, well, do they have competitive rates?

No, I think four hours later she was like, oh. No, I hate my job.

Do they have free checking? Oh my god, masturbation. I like the idea of a person who doesn't use conventional banks, but they do understand the concept of a bank. I put all my money in a spank bank. So my answer to this riddle is spank bank. Next question.

My thought is that she does that so she doesn't have to pay for airport parking.

Is this an airport bank? Tell me, legally, is you right?

She got the loan to keep her car safe and save money on parking while she was gone.

Nice. Wow. Although, wouldn't she just leave it at home and take an Uber to the airport?

She doesn't have a home. Is that what it says? What? No, I don't know. I'm making it up. I'm making, giving her like a glamorous mysterious life.

I thought that she was like trying to hide assets, like she was going through a divorce and she was like, oh if I put this bank collateral thing here, I mean that wouldn't work. So people have a devious fucking mind. People have tried to do that for me before, but guess what? Catherine, I found the car and I cut my half of it off and I ate my half of the car.

My half.

My half. JBC, when you get a divorce, what do you think? Not if, but when I'm given a divorce. What of your property do you think you're gonna...

Well, I should probably keep most of my hair. I'll keep my pride. Spaghetti? I'll definitely keep spaghetti. You'll have to price spaghetti on my cold, dead hands. Out, didn't they, baby? You know what? Honestly, when I do get a divorce, let her have it all, okay?

You want to start fresh?

Does she get your spot on Hey Riddle Riddle?

Oh, of course.

Oh, very cool.

This thing is my only asset. And by the way, I do sell it off to people often. I know we haven't recorded any episodes that I haven't been a part of yet, but very soon we're going to have a lot of special guests, air quotes, in the studio. I have a lot of bad people, a lot of bad money.

Bad money. I can't wait until all three of us are divorced. It's just three different hosts who don't really want to be here. I thought it'd be fun to have... Don't love us anymore.

For Mother's Day, I thought it'd be fun if we had our moms call in or something. Oh yeah. Have all of our moms call in to do a riddle.

That's nice. And for Father's Day, let's do the same with all of our dads, but it'll just be like empty dial tones.

Oh man.

We should also have an episode where if our siblings are ever in town at the same time. Okay, your sibling lives in this town.

It is very charming and we all... Yeah, whatever.

Your brothers are well ones in Indianapolis and ones in LA. It's space. Space. Yeah, it's space.

We gotta have Mitch on eventually.

If we ever do a live show in Boston. Yeah, if I feel like get my ass kicked.

I don't want people to boo him. I'm like afraid.

Oh, people will boom-boomage.

I think it's too late. I messed up so nice.

He's a monster.

He's the best. Alright, I have another bank riddle. Can you believe it?

The only riddles that I believe are of a spank variety.

Alright, a bank is getting robbed.

Have you guys ever put one of these riddles in your bank bank?

At this point, I can only masturbate to riddles.

To riddles? Yeah. The one where the father locked his son out of his house, I was like, lock and key. That one's coming back for daddy later.

Papa horny for riddies. That was one of the worst ones we ever did.

It was so bad. That was maybe the very first Riddle we ever did.

I think it could have been. I masturbate to the one with the opera singer breaking the glass of the science one.

Because you solved it?

Yeah, because anyone I solve I'm like I gotta remember this later.

I do jerk off to the one about the girl pissing out the poison.

I feel like in my head that's the answer.

That's the answer to that one.

That's the answer I wanted.

I try to think of like sex and stuff.

A bank is getting robbed, and one of the robbers tells one of the tellers to give him all of the money.

The teller tells him she doesn't have access to it.

Suddenly the phone rings. The robber tells the teller to answer it and not give them away. She picks up the phone and it happens to be her mother. She tells her mother, is this an emergency mom? Call me when I get home. I could use some help painting. Then she hangs up. The robbers continue to try to get into the vault, but 20 minutes later, the police show up with the teller's mom and arrest them all. How did the police know about the robbery?

First of all, 20 minutes, your clock on this bank robbery job is way off. Second of all, they would never bring the mom to an active bank robbery.

Well, maybe the mom's a cop.

Cop Mom. Damn, a cop mom coming this fall. The doctor was a cop. The copter was a helicopter.

It didn't.

Helicopter Mom. I would say, so she says, is this an emergency? I'll see you at home. I need help painting.

I want me to say what she said. She tells her mother, is this an emergency, Mom? Call me when I get home. I could use some help painting.

Call me when I get home. I could use some help painting.

Call me when I get home? How would the mom know when she gets home?

Can you use some help painting? Do the letters spell out a message or something? Can you use some help painting?

Is this an emergency, mom? Call me when I get home. I could use some help painting.

Oh, the mom knew something was up because the daughter works at the bank and she has no artistic talent.

Ooh, sweet, spicy. Okay. I wish I could paint.

I could use some help painting. I want to see a scene. JPC, you're a character named Rob and your catchphrase is you're getting robbed while you put two thumbs at yourself no matter what the situation is. Erin, you're a bank teller and there's a massive misunderstanding happening.

I would like to make a deposit. Okay, just fill this out.

I've already got my form filled out. There you go.

Deposit.

I'll make you a deposit into my account.

Okay, great. And how, can you just put your PIN number in?

There you go.

That's not part of it.

Put my PIN number in to make a deposit?

Just open your account and... You want me to open my account? Yes, so I can put... Yes!

You have it on your computer?

Yes, I know, but for security reasons.

I'm just fucking with you. You've been robbed.

Oh my god, what?

It's just my sense of humor.

What? Oh my god, oh my god, it's only second to eight. No, no, it's okay, you've been robbed. Okay, okay, you already did it?

Yes.

It's not happening currently.

It's actually still happening. Oh my god, okay.

As we continue this conversation, I'm continually robbing you. I'm scared.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, did you just throw up?

Yeah, a little bit on my blue shirt.

Oh god. Wait a second, are you robbing me?

No, no, I'm not.

Are you robbing me? But your name is Robin, correct?

My name is Robin. Yeah, so you're robbing me? No, I'm not robbing. I've never sold money in my life. I'll pretend everything's fine. Here's how much money do you want?

I have about... It's a deposit.

I have $10,000.

We cut to the security guard in the corner. All right, Frank. You heard what he said. He said you're being robbed. You've trained for this. You were in Vietnam too. Just approach him, gun out, and shoot him in the face. You! Stop right there. Me? Yeah. What do you mean?

Oh, whoa, hey guy.

Get on the ground. Hey. You robbing this place?

No, I am robbing. No, she's robbing this place. He is robbing me. I am robbing.

You've been robbed. All right Frank, you've prepared for this. You're in Vietnam too. Aim the gun at the big teller and shoot him in the face.

Frank, Frank, we can hear you. Frank, Frank, just call 911.

And Frank, I can hear you too. It's me, the gun. Frank, you don't want to do this, buddy. Think of all the good times we've had together. It's happening again. What's happening again?

You've been robbed. Call me when I get home. I need help painting.

She doesn't have a home. She lives on the streets. She works at a bank in Hawaii. The cost of living there is way too expensive. So even people who have, yes, even, yes, people who like legit work in banks that are homeless. It's fucked. The housing costs are just too expensive. In Hawaii?

In Hawaii, yeah. What a relaxed life.

There are whole cities on the beach of just like homeless people that have to live in tents. Oh man. So is that the answer? Yes. Good. Happy you brought up this riddle now. So does this woman have a home? Can I ask some questions? Yeah. Does this woman have a home?

Yes.

Does this woman paint recreationally? Maybe. Is she known for painting?

Maybe. It doesn't matter.

Is it something where like every they have a system where it's like every third word because call help.

You're on the right track.

There's some sort of encoded message that they have worked out beforehand.

No.

Because all the words necessary to let the mom know what's going on are embedded in the sentence.

That's true, but nothing is worked out beforehand.

Can you read the sentence that she says one more time?

I would love to. Is this an emergency mom? Call me when I get home. I could really use some help painting.

The daughter lives at home with her mom.

I don't know.

The mom is dead. She's a ghost, so she's omniscient. There's something about the phrase, is this an emergency mom?

You were on the right track, but there's- It's all pig button. It's like embedded.

Is this an emergency? Call.

Help. Yeah. She stressed each word.

Oh, I know what it is. So she said that on the phone, but she also had her computer on. She sent her an email.

No, you were really on the right track. Emergency call and help.

Yeah. Wait, say the one.

Is this an emergency mom? Call me when I get home. I could really use some help painting.

But I don't know how to let the mom know that unless she's like stressing the words.

Yeah or unless she doesn't she lives with her mom and she doesn't paint or like the rest is just like definitely it's like a stressing the words thing but she's doing something mechanical.

She's made a limerick.

If I was this person's mom they'd be fucking dead because I would not be able to get this from the context.

Well yes you think you would.

Every time she says one of those words she holds on a button on the phone.

The other way around.

Every time she holds on a button on the phone she says one of those words.

Is she pressing a button?

Is she pressing like a number? Oh, so as she, I see, as she's saying that sentence, she holds down a button for the dial tone. So all the mom hears is emergency, call, help. Is that right?

Yeah.

It's the mute button though. Nice.

Emergency call help is all that she gave her.

We, we, between the three of us, we can think of a better sentence that would, that would.

They have the word emergency.

Yeah.

Okay.

Hi Mom. Is this an emergency? Call the police.

Yeah, call the police. I blew it.

I blew it. Hi Mom. After work I have to go to the sperm bank to get Uncle Rob's sperm. Blam, blam, blam.

Mom, can you pick up some emergency? I'm getting a cold. I need some help. Let's listen to the police later.

Let's listen to the police later. Shut up.

Shut up, JPC. I'd like to see a scene. So JPC, you're on the phone with your partner who is Adal, and you are trying to break up with Adal using this tactic.

Boy, using like the mute button tactic? Hey, sweetie, are you laughing?

This is such a fucking hard premise! What's a hard premise? I'm a jerk.

You want your hard premise. Hold on, I've talked to a co-worker. Uh, can you, uh... I want to talk this out, but can you just give me one second? I'm just a co-worker. Hey, Erin?

Yeah. What the fuck? I'm sorry.

Usually these scene setups are like... I'm still on the line. I'm sorry, yes? Oh, yeah, Adal. Hold on, sweetie. Just do one second. Usually these seed setups are like, fucking like, you're both scuba divers and you're looking for gold.

See, that time's really fun.

We should do that later. Sweetie? You know how we're divorced and we have three kids and they talk to animals? Would you say that's a unique situation? Uh, it's a living! That's why I divorced you.

I'm pushing you to be better.

Wow, okay.

I think you're very talented. This just means I think you're capable.

I am going to start also pushing you to do equally complicated premises. I think that that's a really good challenge for an evolution of the show.

Alright Erin.

I'd like to see a scene with two scuba divers and they're looking for gold.

I'd like to see a scene, Erin, and this is a woman that's a scene by herself, and she has a disease where every... She has that beautiful mind disease, so I want you to flip forward a mathematical equation and then solve it, but it has to be correct. Every word of every sentence has to begin with a new letter of the alphabet in sequential order, except every third letter you skip and go back four letters. So it's A, B, C, Z, D... Does that make sense?

Does that make sense? I can do it.

Let's take a quick break and we'll be right back with more Complex Scenes. Hey, Erin. You're a pretty unique person, would you agree?

Yeah, I'm pretty and unique.

You're unique?

Okay.

Or you nitty? Yeah. What do you sleep on?

Um, sometimes it's just like a bunch of newspapers stacked on top of each other of like when I've been in the news. Um, and sometimes it's J.P.C. That's a pretty thin amount of newspapers.

Oh, okay, yeah.

Local girl falls downstairs.

What? I said local girl falls downstairs. Does it on purpose, goes to jail. Well, Erin, because of your unique, uh, pretty makeup, I don't know how to phrase this, you should be sleeping on the Helix mattress that J.P.C. and I got you.

Yeah, I mean we know that sometimes people have been like, don't sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, but they mean don't side sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, don't hot sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, because we know that everybody sleeps different. Well, the Helix Sleep Mattress is designed for people who sleep in a variety of different ways.

And you can take a quiz. And it's not the type of quiz that you can fail, so don't worry about that. I worry about that. But it's just a quiz to get to know what kind of sleeper you are.

You took the Helix Sleep quiz, Erin, and you got a don't sleep, right?

The first F ever.

You can find that quiz at helixsleep.com slash Riddle. It only takes two minutes, and it's going to match your specific makeup to a mattress that's right for you.

Yeah, that's why they call it Helix Sleep, because it relies on double helix, so you just enter your DNA into the quiz, and then it tells you what kind of mattress is your soulmate, basically.

And it tells you what kind of mattresses your ancestors slept on. I mean, you'll see that in your dreams.

Yeah, that'll be something that, they don't promise that, but that is something that comes in most people's dreams.

And they have a 10-year warranty, and you get to try it for a hundred nights risk-free.

They have a 10-year warranty?

There is a little loophole here because they say 100 nights, but you also get the 100 days as well. So you can sleep at the mattress 24 hours a day for 100 days.

And for me specifically, for Adal Rifai, those are Arabian days and Arabian nights.

That's not something any of the rest of us feel comfortable saying.

And if you sleep next to a partner, half the mattress can be for you, and the other half of the mattress can be for your partner.

Or, you know, you can do three quarters. Just with sprawl. With arms and legs. But right now, Helix is offering up to $125 off all mattress orders. That's $125 off. To get your $125 off at helixsleep.com slash riddle. That's helixsleep.com slash riddle for up to $125 off your mattress order. Don't sleep on this deal. That's not theirs, that's mine.

I guess the way I sleep is I clutch a pillow and I kiss it.

Yeah. I do the same thing, but the pillow's in between my legs.

How I sleep is, you know when you get someone in that choke hold with your leg?

Oh, like Zena did for James Bond in that movie?

Yeah, that's what my blankets do to me.

That's helixsleep.com slash riddle. Of course, on the pillow I write, not a pillow. So when I kiss, did it make sense?

Naturally, you're pretty unique.

Helixsleep.com slash Riddle.

And we're back everybody. Tummy check?

Still got mine. Still got mine.

Who knows about me?

Although we did go, you know, take a little bathroom break and I was sitting on the toilet and a little goblin jumped up from the toilet and said, I'm going to take your tummy. And I said, no, no, no goblin. Oh, the tummy goblin. Yeah, this is a little tummy goblin. But, good news, he accepted my balls and my penis instead, and so he took those. Yeah, I ripped them right off, ran down the toilet, put my whole hand down, tried to get it back.

Can I be honest? I just want to be fully, full disclosure. That wasn't a tummy goblin. He ripped off your balls and penis? Yeah. Yeah, this is a regular goblin. This is a goblin? Tommy Goblin pops up, rubs your tummy, puts him back in his hand on his forehead, says, you feel warm, rubs your tummy, does he feel better? That's him, he's done that before.

Who are you two?

This didn't seem like a different goblin.

Who are you? How did I find you?

Well, I'm JPC, I'm from space. Tommy Goblin. You're like Gonzo.

The Muppets.

If we were all Muppets, if we were all Muppets.

Oh, this is a fun question.

Who would it be? JPC begonzo. I begonzo.

Maybe Rizzo though.

I'd be, honestly, I'd be Sam the Eagle.

Oh, that's funny.

You're talking, like, looks wise or personality wise?

Fuck you!

Adal, you'd be those two old men. What are their names? Waldorf and Stadler. Stadler and Waldorf, yeah.

You're getting some of the consonants wrong for sure.

You'd be Waldorf and Stumpler.

Now the show's not half bad. No, it's all bad. Erin, you'd be Jan? The one with her eyes closed?

I don't know. I don't think I'd be here. That's wrong. That's not how the game's played. No, that's not exactly how it's played.

You fucked up and you didn't play the game right.

Who am I?

Oh, you'd be Beaker. So you're asking us who you are, then we're giving you examples of who we think you are, then we're wrong.

Until I learn the one I like that we're not moving.

You're Beaker.

I feel like I'm Kermit's nephew.

I don't know the Muppets so I'm going to start guessing things that I think are Muppets like Nirmal or Meatwad.

Somebody draw them. Create them, draw them quickly.

Everyone's favorite Muppet, Meatwad.

Draw us as Muppets.

Frylock, Meatwad, Master Shake, all the best Muppets.

Being my three brothers, I was definitely Master Shake. My older brother was Frylock and my little brother's Meatwad.

Nobody asked. I'm happy to know that now.

I feel like Erin's Meatwad. I'm probably Freilock and you're MasterShake. I'm definitely MasterShake. I'm not Meatwad.

Erin, Erin, Erin, do you know aquatinography force? No. Well Meatwad is, I wasn't saying that to like nerd shame you. You just go around and name alone. But Meatwad is the best one.

Why?

Because Meatwad's the only one with heart. Because Meatwad's sweet and has heart and empathy. MasterShake is a bit of dick.

Freilock's annoying. Freilock is an annoying nerd, like a brainiac know-it-all. And Meatwad is like stupid but has heart. Well, okay, they're all bad.

They're all bad.

Oh, no. Erin, you're dumb.

We're breaking up.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Yeah, okay, fine. I think I'm a monster in real life, but next to you two, I sound like an angel. Let's do this.

Yeah, I know. Isn't that great though? But think about how the position that you get to be in. You're just the least scary of three total monsters.

Yes, but in real life, I think I'm a little scary, right?

In real life, you're like a Phoebe. And GBC and our both Chandler's.

We're both Chandler's.

If anyone's Chandler, it's me.

I want a t-shirt that says, if you think you're a Chandler, you're a Ross. But yeah, Erin is a monster in real life. Earlier today, she told us that she got pulled over in an Uber. We told a little story at the beginning of the episode, but what she didn't say was that after the cops pulled away, she reached back and slit the Uber driver's throat.

I'm a monster. Once upon a time, a servant lived with his master.

After service of about 30 years- And for those who can't see, Erin's tucked us in the bed, and she's just reading from a tome with a golden spine. Yeah, my bed's too hard. This is too firm of a bed. My bed's too soft.

My bed. My bed. Well, you're laying on a pea.

We're laying on- Oh shit, JBC pissed the bed. I would never piss this helix sleep mattress. One of the best mattresses in the world.

As a queen, I can always tell when someone's pissed in my bed. Ma'am, that's not a talent.

Ma'am, please leave this Macy's.

Please leave this mattress for him.

Alright, I'm going to kiss you both in the forehead. Tuck you in, put your stuffed animals in your top hat on.

What is this? Do you have chocolate on your lips?

Yes. What is this lip gloss? You had fondue? I had cheese fondue and chocolate fondue. My nightly fondue. What are you saying?

So the fondue you had was just cheese fondue dumped in the chocolate fondue? I had both. Did you have 30 shrimp dumped in chocolate?

Yes.

Would you eat at a Keira nightly themed fondue restaurant called my nightly fondue?

What's the theme?

It's Keira Diley theme.

Okay, all right.

Follow up question. Would you watch a Japanese anime movie called Akira Diamond?

If every character is wearing the green dress she wore an atonement. All right, let's do this.

Full metal alchum, Mr. Bean.

Alright, back to bed, boys. You're jumping on the bed.

Full house metal alchum.

No, this is the better game. We are literally boys misbehaving right now.

I've given you warm milk. Now lay back down to sleep.

What's in this milk?

We're going to relax. Once upon a time, a servant lived with his master. After service of about 30 years, his master became ill and was going to die. Poison. One day, the master called his... Oh, my phone died. One day the master called his servant and asked him for a wish. It could be any wish, but just one. The master gave him one day to think about it. The servant became, are you awake?

So wait, the servant gets one wish from the master?

Just one wish.

Is the master a genie?

We'll see.

Then I'm going to bed.

The servant became very happy and went to his mother for discussion about the wish. His mother was blind and she asked her son to make a wish for her eyesight to come back.

Selfish.

And then the servant went to his wife. She became very excited and asked for a son as they were childless for many years. After that, the servant went to his father who wanted to be rich, so he asked his son to wish for a lot of money. The next day, he went to his master and made one wish through which all three, mother, father, wife, got what they wanted. What was the servant's wish?

Money, baby.

You'll play. You'll play.

So he's got the wife who wants a child. The wife. The father who wants the money. The money. What's the other one?

The mom wants the sight.

Mrs. Scarlett in the library with the candlestick.

So the mom wants sight. The son wants money.

No, the father wants money and the wife wants a son.

Son, eyesight, money. So he went to his master and he said, my wish is to kill these three people. I wish I didn't have a family.

Yeah, you know how some riddles are bullshit?

No.

Is this one of them?

Yeah. He wished... He wished he didn't have a wish. No. He wished that they would all forget their wishes. He wished for three wishes. Nope. He wished... Does his master die?

It's a wording thing.

Oh, so money? He says one sentence that gives him a disability. See? What's like some slang for like, sight, money, and a child?

No, that's too clever.

It's not like I wish that my mother could see my son get rich.

That's as close as you're gonna get. Wow. KJ clapped. Thank you. KJ's clapping.

KJ was not clapping by the way.

KJ they were.

KJ's been slumped over the audio board for two days.

They got kind of confused because you said KJ clap and then they stopped clapping. KJ clap if you feel like clapping. Wow, epic clap back on you. Epic clap back on you, Erin. What's the actual sentence? KJ just stood up and Nancy Pelosi clapped Erin's dumb Trump ass back into her chair.

Okay, the servant said my mother wants to see her grandson swinging on a swing of gold, which is stupid.

That's stupid.

I told you it was stupid. I didn't lie to you. Now go to bed. Fuck you both. I wanted daughters.

But we're lost boys. Meaning that we're boys who love to stay up late and watch the reruns of Lost Boys. Well, the first couple seasons. That would be the best. Here, I want to see a scene. Erin, you're going to be Peter Pan. Love it. No, hold on. Peter Pan lives in Neverland. You're going to be a new kid. You're a new kid, whoever you are. Peter Pan has brought you to Neverland to live with the Lost Boys, and this is your first night talking to one of the Lost Boys, and you're slowly realizing that they're just all fans of the TV show Lost. Oh boy, this will be difficult. Well, let's make it a little more complex. GPC, every third word you have.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Yes, sir. The first thing is good, sir. Thank you, sir. Thank you for my scenes, sir. Oh boy. Uh-oh. Oh, no. Oh, man. Here you go.

Welcome. Welcome to Neverland. Why don't you get acquainted? No, I know who you are. I brought you here. I'm Peter Pan. Get acquainted.

I'm Thomas. Huh? My name's Thomas.

I know we've gone over this. Here's one of the lost boys.

Make yourself comfortable.

Bye-bye. Hey, I'm one of the lost boys.

Hi, I'm Thomas. Are there pirates here?

There are pirates here, but don't be worried. Stick with us Lost Boys and you'll be fine. My name's Spider Mike. And this is Cocaine Cameron. My name's Cocaine Cameron.

You got any cocaine? No, why are you selling? I'm selling. Yeah.

So what do Lost Boys do?

Wait, we're not done introducing the rest of the Lost Boys. This is Smoke Monster Mike.

Yeah, they call me Smoke Monster Mike because they'll leave your weed around me.

I remember a previous episode, this is Turtle from Andarash, where J.B.C. wrapped some Lost Boy names and he called the twins Frans and Spits. And I think about it three times a week.

We don't know who J.B.C. is. I don't know anything about Lost. I know there's a Hatch and a Smoke Monster. Not Penny Spokes.

I'm thinking about rewatching Lost because I did love it. We should rewatch it together.

I went to, so I went to Illinois State University, ISU, in Southern, Central Illinois, not Southern, so it's in Bloomington Normal, and I was a theater major, and I remember one of the grad students in the program was a guy named Thomas Quinn, and we were in a play together, we were like the two, he was the lead and I was like his sidekick, so one of the other leads I guess.

Yeah, Sidekick. That's a role in a play.

It was in Caucasian Jock Circle, so that's all left my head because it was a boring play. But we were the two sort of main characters running around. And we, at one of the rap parties or something, he was like, oh, turn on the TV. My brother's show is about to premiere. And I'm like, oh, what's your brother's show? And he's like, it's a show about an island where all these people crash in a plane. And he described the premise. And in my head, I'm like, woof. This is Yikes Bikes, this is sad. And it turned out his brother is Terry O'Quinn. His brother's Terry Quinn, but because of SAG rules, he had to change his name to Terry O'Quinn. And his brother was locked. And I was like, but I remember watching the first episode being like, oh, this is going to be huge.

That's so funny.

The pilot of LOST was phenomenal.

That was a great pilot. Yeah.

Yeah. No, it wasn't a great pilot because they crashed. Yes, I did it. I did it. Erin did it. It was Erin. It was Erin who did it.

That guy who plays the pilot on LOST. You are sweating blood, Erin. It's like J.J. Abrams College roommate. Really? He's just in every J.J. Abrams. He's in Star Wars movies.

He's in Heroes. He's in... Yeah, he's like Porkins or New Porkins.

Did J.J. Abrams do Heroes?

He did something, he was some finger in it, yeah.

Save the cheerleader, save the world.

That was Erin, that was Erin.

I already did that.

J.J. Abrams had the idea for Heroes, he wrote it down on the napkin, he tossed it into some guy's open gaping mouth and he said, keep this fucking trash idea of J.J. Abrams, everything I shit is gold. And then somebody else was like, oh Heroes, okay. That sounds like it. That guy? Polly Shore. Polly Shore.

Well that was fun. So I'm gonna do some listener submitted riddles.

What do you mean that was fun?

Whatever just happened was fun.

We just watched you eat a bowl of soup.

Yeah, that was fun.

And when I tried to stand up, you shot me with a Nerf gun.

That's the kind of bully I want to be. Have either of you ever seen the movie The Little Princess?

No. The Little Princess.

Nope. It's awesome. It's one of my favorites growing up. The villain in that there's a scene where she just makes all of her friends sit silently and watch her hair get brushed. Wow. And I love that.

That's cool. Is it live action or animated?

Live action.

Is it based on Little Prince?

Nope, it's based on the book, The Little Princess.

Little Women.

I love that too. I like Little Women. Alright, so here's some listeners submitted. Are we ready?

Yes.

This one's from Isaac Hamilton. He said he doesn't care either way if we say his name.

Let's not.

Okay. He also, we one time had an idea of an episode where we did a whole episode from a spa and he thinks we should do that and call it riddles and relaxation. Damn. But okay, are we ready? Yes. Hands she has but does not hold. Teeth she has but does not bite. Feet she has but they are cold. Eye she has but without sight. Who is she?

The mom from that riddle worth the wish. Yup. Yup, blood mob. The Baron Queen.

The Baron Queen. Wow, that's a really good guess for this.

Eyes she has but cannot see. Hands she has but cannot hold. Bill she has but cannot pay. No, hold on.

Bill she has but cannot pay. That's me.

She's a poor woman. She has teeth but can't bite. She has hands but can't hold. She has eyes but can't see. What was the other one?

Hands she has but does not hold. Teeth she has but does not bite. Feet she has but they are cold. Eyes she has but with outside. Who is she?

Hands, eyes. Cold feet, GPC's girlfriend on their wedding night.

Yeah, all of my girlfriends on their wedding night.

Hands, feet, teeth, and eyes. So what has hands, feet, teeth, and eyes that is not like a person?

Are you sure it's not Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes?

Oh, that's what it is. Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes.

It's just one of these freaking Mr. Potato heads.

My dad used to do a bit. There's this place called Castle Island in South Boston. It's like a war bunker.

Oh, where all the Stephen King stories are set?

Yeah. And you can drive out to it. And then there's like this place that you can get like ice cream and french fries and you can walk around. It's beautiful in the summer. There's playgrounds and stuff, but there's lots of statues and there's lots of busts. And when we were little, my dad used to do a bit where he'd go, Head, shoulders. When we'd walk by them and it is. Still makes me laugh. Pretty good bit. He's very funny. He also has a buck neck so he's like, Head, shoulders. Head, shoulders. Hey Riddle.

My dad used

If you do it too much. On your deathbed. Hands, teeth, feet, eyes. Lady Justice? No. The statue of Lady Justice?

Hands, teeth, feet, and eyes. Is it a human?

No.

The answer's not a human. Nope. Is it a potato? No. Is it a food?

No, you stupid.

Okay.

No, you lunatic.

Why am I getting turned on? Stop. Stop.

It's cause it's a riddle.

This is triggering for me in a way I don't want to explore.

You put it in a spank bank.

Horny for riddles.

I am horny for these riddles. Can you give us a hint? Yeah, can we give it like a, maybe like a hint? And hints.

It's sort of like me, but not, that's not a good hint.

Oh no, you don't want to go down that road.

Is it an idea? Is it a tangible thing?

No, it's a thing.

It's a thing. Is it something that we deal with on a daily basis?

I don't think you do. I'd be very interested to find out if it was a huge part of your life. It's something that was a huge part of my life.

Porn.

No. Yeah, I've moved on from porn.

Is it a shower?

Porn is complicated and overwhelming to me. That's just the thing I wanted to share. I mean, we have to unpack this now. No, it's just like, I just get overwhelmed.

Erin, you watched It's Complicated, but that's not a porn.

Oh my god, no, you can jerk off to that kitchen and go to sleep resting easy. That kitchen is gorgeous. KJ, KJ understands.

I've never seen Big Little Lies, but I feel like everyone I know is like, oh it's fucking house porn.

It's house porn. It's coat porn. It's clothes porn. It's porn porn.

Coat porn and clothes porn are like the opposite of what porn is.

No. Hey you Amish kid looking for something fun. Here's some coat porn. So you used to be really into it. You'd be surprised if I was into it. Would JPC be into it?

Uh, no. Not maybe. Maybe. Actually, I don't know. It's not something a lot of adults are into.

Hmm. Well. Barbies. American Girl.

Yeah, dolls. Dolls.

Dolls. That's so dumb.

It's not dumb.

Dolls. I have feet, but I'm cold.

I have hands, but cannot... Hands, but she does not hold. Teeth, but she does not bite. Feet, but they are cold. Eyes, but she is without sight. What do you think?

That should be the new Marie Kondo thing. It should be like, if you hold something and you don't vomit, you should say thank you.

Truly. My family was not rich, but I would beg and circle American Girl dolls that I wanted and put them in my parents pillow because I was obsessed.

I never got into dolls, but I loved the Batman action figures. There were so many of them, and I used to play with them all at bath time. My little brother liked GI Joes, and he had a bunch of GI Joe dolls, and they couldn't fit in one vehicle except the Barbie station wagon. So he had a bunch of GI Joes and a Barbie station wagon so they could all drive around in it.

I used to play with muscle men. Anyone? I don't think I know what those are. They're like one inch tall, pink, gold, and there's like 5,000 different versions. They all had like armor or weapons or like one shape at the top or like they're made of brick. But that's, I credit my imagination to those things because my mom would buy me like a case of them and it was like a hundred different little guys and I would just sit in my room and line them up and give each one a name and a backstory and I feel like that's where I like got my creativity.

Oh, and you became an improviser? That's strange.

I get credit kind of my creativity because when I was a kid growing up there was a wizard that lived behind a tree and the wizard... And I'm Erin Keif and I'm talented Mr. Ripley and I killed Matt Damon and I bought his boat and maybe that's a part of the movie.

Sue, I have a riddle from Milti? Miltai? You know Bradley? Yes.

It's just another riddle from a millipede. Stop writing us riddles you bugs.

We actually met this person you and I did at IO. He said Catherine and I ran into Erin and JPC at World News Show on Saturday the 19th of January. Oh, why did you say it was Catherine?

It was hilarious.

Well, it was a couple. I remember them. We loved the show and we'll definitely be back. Here are eight riddles. I'm not going to do all eight right now. Whoa! Pick a number one through eight. Six. We'll do three and six. Why not?

Okay. Nine.

My skull is thick, but I'm not tall. But when I fall, you'll bust your gut. If we butt heads, I'll have you beat. I have no brain, but I have meat.

A ram. A dumb ram. I have no brain, but I have meat. Bowling ball.

If we butt heads... Wait, what about busting my gut? Isn't that laughter?

My skull is thick. I'm not tall, but when I fall, you'll bust your gut. If we butt heads, I'll have you beat. I have no brain, but I have meat.

Humpty Dumpty?

I'll bust my gut when you fall. So I'll crack up laughing when it falls.

Here are two hints. Is the answer to the riddle an animal? No.

Actually, I'm not going to read the second hint. It's made of meat.

My skull is thick. I'm not tall, but when I fall you'll bust your gut. If we butt heads, I'll have you beat. I have no brain, but I have meat.

Is it like a cadaver that's been donated to science, like the organs have been taken out?

No, it's a good guess. Can I give you a hint of my own that's not one of them?

Yes. Do you have lyrics to go with that bullshit hum?

I don't know the song. You do. I don't.

I don't know it. And Moana? Oh, it's a jellyfish.

Is it jellyfish? Is it the water?

Coconut. It's got meat inside. I've been staring at the edge of the water. Coconut. Coconut. Water is expensive. And it's not actually water.

You gave six?

Yes.

If you take me to a picnic lunch, you'll have to take me out a bunch. Leave me alone and I'll be fine, but take me to dinner and I'll wine. Yeah, it's me. Yeah, fuck you, it's me. If you take me to a picnic lunch, you'll have to take me out a bunch.

Sir, my girlfriend will have the chocolate fondue mixed with the cheese fondue, and I am so sorry.

Bring me more wine!

Also, waiter, it's not a dog's asshole, but I'll eat it.

Leave me alone and I'll be fine, but take me to dinner and I'll wine.

Thanks for watching!

I'd love to. If you take me to a picnic lunch, you'll have to take me out a bunch. Leave me alone and I'll be fine. But take me to dinner and I'll wine. This is very clever.

Yeah! Yeah! Bunch!

Nice. Thank you.

What a good riddle.

Thank you for coming to World News. That was really sweet. You're welcome.

I get paid to do the show, so it's fine.

I'll be there.

Please come back so I can meet you.

Yeah. Where were you? Smartass on the 19th?

I was in Seattle for a podcast.

And we'll make you this deal. If you come back to see world news and you bring grapes, we will let you toss the grapes into Adal's mouth.

Come see world news when I'm there and if you come on social media let us know you're gonna be there so we can say hi afterwards because yesterday Erin and I did two shows and there's Hey Riddle Riddle fans who were there for both shows. Yeah, and some I met and some I didn't meet because I didn't know they were there.

And I would also like to add, as a caveat to that, Adal just said if you come on social media, let us know. Don't do that. I will say don't do that. We don't want to know about that.

If you orgasm, I want you to post something about it. You should be proud. Don't be ashamed. Sex positivity, baby.

Sex positivity, baby. I would like to plug, you can follow me at Instagram, at sharkbarkman, on Twitter, at JPsofly. Follow the show at Twitter. Follow the show on Twitter. Feel free to buy some of our merch at our Tea Public store. Subscribe to our Patreon. Yeah, patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle. Also, if you like the show, if you enjoy the show, please feel free to head over to iTunes to give us a five-star rating. Leave a little review if you want to. That really does help new people find the show and, you know, more people should be infected. It's like the ring. If you show this to someone else, you don't have to die.

So please do let a friend know about the show.

And I'm still Erin Keif. What would you say at the beginning of the episode? Hm? Sharon Beef?

No, you've called yourself like a pile of shit or something.

Oh, yeah, I was dumb. I'm a dumbass.

Yeah, I'm a dumbass. I'm a queen.

You're meatwad.

I'm meatwad. You're a baron queen. I am not the blonde woman from The Muppets. Follow me on Instagram at ErinKeif10 and I'll promote my shows there. And then also if you want comps to any show that I'm in, including world news, you can contact me on that.

But if you want those comps, you have to draw Erin as if she's a Muppet.

Yeah, you have to draw me as something and you'll get free tickets to whatever.

What would you do if a fan of our show came to World News and they had puppets of all of us?

I would burst into tears. From fear? From joy.

Well, you would only burst into tears if they dropped little tears on the puppets' eyes and then squeeze you, right?

So now we know that if you're experiencing joy, you will either cry or vomit.

And Erin, you said that your favorite place in the entire galaxy to cry and vomit is... Jupiter! Bye!

Created by Adal Rifai. Starting here in Keif and John Patrick Mullin. Hey Geistyder Vindy editing. MRE parent in the music. Logo created by Emily Cardemas and MRE Nifors.

That was a Headgum podcast.