Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Bet a riddle of gold against your soul. It's Hey Riddle Riddle. I'm Adal Rifai. I'm JPC.

I'm Erin Keif.

Erin, do you know what song that reference is from?

Why not ask JPC too? Put me on the spot?

I assume JPC's Country Fried. Oh yeah. I'm Country Fried.

What's the song?

Devil went down to Georgia.

I don't want to do this. It's something like that.

I was going to say my intro was going to be, Welcome to the Riddy!

We got Pussy Games! That one's good too.

Thank you.

Which one's better? I like them both equally. Pretty good. Welcome to another episode of Hey Riddle Riddle. This is another episode. It is just another episode.

What number is this? 40?

Yeah, this one we're recording out of order. This is 40. Well, this is 32, but it's produced by Judd Apatow, so this is 40.

Does that make sense?

We should say that Judd Apatow is guest directing this episode. So it's mostly improv.

How's everybody doing?

Okay, we can talk about this.

Oh, GPC, I had a thought today.

Oh, really?

That must have been the first step for everything.

You're not getting the insult out quick enough. Damn, nice thing.

I had a thought today. What is your mother's last name? Stuart. Oh, really? Yeah. Wait, why did I think you're... I don't know. How would I know what your fucking thoughts are? I thought your birth name started with a B. Pittman. Pittman.

It's a P. Pittman's a B. I guess I'm a very good friend.

Yes. But that's not my mom's name. That's my dad's name. Okay.

What did you want? My thought today was that because we all know that JPC changed his name. To KFC. We all know that JPC changed his name to JPC and my thought was that your real name is Steve Bartman. That's a very Chicago-specific... I was getting ready to come to this recording and I was like, isn't JPC's last name Bartman? I thought it was like Bitman or something, but it was Pittman. But I started with a B and then I was like, maybe he's Steve Bartman. And because I know that guy wished away to somewhere.

Is it because my Instagram is sharkbarkman?

Maybe that's what it was.

I can bind Pittman and Bartman to Steve Bartman. Ooh, that's a combo.

Why'd you catch that ball?

I wanted to ruin my life forever. I wanted everybody in Chicago to hate me for decades.

I also had, and we're going to get into some riddies and buzzies pretty soon, but I also thought to create a segment for today's episode, which I didn't create because I'm like, I think people are going to get really upset with me if I make this segment. So I thought to like maybe just give one example and then if people want this segment, if people are thirsty for this segment, then I'll do it next time. But my guttural instinct was that people were going to be like, I'm out with this shit. What is it?

What's a guttural instinct? Do you mean gut instinct?

It's a 90s arcade game. It's basically a rip-off of Mortal Kombat. So the segment is called Your Spouse, and what it is is I give you clues that are going to lead you to an answer, but in the answer, it's very convoluted, but in the answer you have to replace one word with the phrase, my wife.

Okay.

So this sounds like what you try to do as a sandbox segment in a very specific... Yeah, so basically, so an example would be, and you have to put the mustard on the ball. Like you have to, when you say my wife, you have to say it in a way that we all want it to be said. So for example, Erin, for example, I might say to you this Frank Capra movie starring Jimmy Stewart.

It's a wonderful my life.

Exactly. So that would be the game.

I'm pretty thirsty for this. I'd like another one.

Erin, okay. This is a classic Bon Jovi song.

It's my life! I want another one. I want them all to be addressed to me.

So Mike Myers would kill somebody. He would stab somebody in the face with this.

It's my name.

I was going to say, if I pulled a blade on Crocodile Dundee, he would say, that's not a my wife.

This is my wife. So listeners, let us know if you are still listening. Definitely not. And if you want more of this, why would anyone want more of this? And you have to use the hashtag yourspouse. And if you, if we get, what do we say, 100 of those hashtags?

If we get even one of those hashtags, I'll eat my own ass.

That fame is Bart Simpson catchphrase.

We weren't going to, and now we're going to.

When the Simpsons were on The Tracey Hellman Show, Bart Simpson used to say, I'll eat my own ass. Yeah, the Bart Man. The Bart Man. Are we ready for some warm-up pussies and reduce?

Always.

So this is just to give credit where credit is due. And Adal took a big swing of a Mountain Dew when he said that. I did an Ollie on his skateboard. That'll be a nice plug for Mountain Dew on our Instagram. This is from a book given to me. This book was handed to me at PodCon2 in Seattle. I met many a wonderful Hey Riddle Riddle fan at PodCon. And somebody, we got all kinds of gifts, somebody gave me a pen to give to Erin so that she could drink that pen. I lost that pen. Like she predicted you would. And we got some other stuff, but yeah, somebody handed me a book of riddies and puzzies.

Just for full context also, Adal began this episode by telling Erin and I the things that he would have got us, or he was thinking about getting us as gifts when he was in Seattle. I thought that was a nice sentiment.

To be like, I thought of you and almost bought this. I didn't, but I was thinking of you. So this is from Susie Michelle Poito. I believe that's how I'm supposed to pronounce that. Susie Michelle Poito. Her husband gave me this book and so... Wait, what's her husband's name?

So she gets credit?

What am I fucking, a name doctor? Well, she gets credit because she sent him on this episode. Okay, gotcha.

I'm gonna say that whenever I don't know anyone's name. What am I, a name doctor? Fuck you!

I just like the precedent of like, if you give us a gift of the show, we will give your significant other credit. We will read your significant other's full name and not yours.

The one who doesn't listen to the show who's like, ugh, why are you listening to this garbage?

Why would I read the husband's name and not my wife's? David, David Paveto is her significant honor. Nice. So thank you Michelle, thank you David, and all the riddies and puzzies will be from this book. Here we go, here's number one. Can you think, and this is more of just a question, okay, can you think of any words in the English language that do not contain Vowels? No, next question. I refuse to.

Sorry, these are more truth or dares. These are words in the English language that do not contain any vowels.

Yeah, it's like something. I've heard this. What was that, Erin? It's like an answer.

You just turned into the daughter from Schitt's Creek?

Yeah, it's like an answer.

I don't know. Oh my god, David? The English language too, not like Polish or Hawaiian or all of those. English language that contain no vowels.

I don't know. I mean... And give yourself some... It's pretty generous in terms of calling these words. I mean, I guess they're words, but... There you go. Yeah.

Wait. These pass? Like, shh. That's a word? Shh is one of them. Oh my god. Shh.

Schitt's Creek. You just queefed. Some of the words are shh and tsk tsk. Or if you want to do it like a gerbil sure you can make that sound.

None of those are words.

None of those are words. Those are all sounds. Here we go. Here's another warm up Riddy. Okay.

Oh boy.

Ew.

I want to be dirty with this, right? Yeah, you definitely do.

I do think I want to be. Do you know JPC, which I do?

If bananas come under what? Fruit.

Hey, I know this is our first date, but what do eggs come under?

I'm a fucking dick, baby. I like the baby at the end of it. Like, oh, it's a deer egg. If bananas come under fruit,

And radishes come under vegetables?

Yeah, under the heading of fruit. Okay. And radishes come under vegetables. What do eggs come under?

Um... Is it like a lettering thing?

I mean, everything's a lettering thing. That's not true. They're food. They're protein. Eggs come under. So I wouldn't see a scene. The two of you are, you're a married couple and you're like at a farmer's market. And you usually sell fruits and vegetables. You got recently eggs on your farm that you're selling and you're deciding how to best sell them to the crowd at the farmer's market.

Okay.

Christopher, sweetheart. What should we do? How should we sell these?

Oh, um, I was thinking we would put them in a... Can you get this Rude Barb out of your mouth, please, when you're speaking to me? I'm just gonna keep eating, just gnawing.

Did someone say my name? Fuck you. What? Did someone say Rude Barb?

Okay, Rude Barb, go back to your stand, please. No one wants lemonade. Okay, well fuck you both. No one wants lemonade, Barb!

Okay, we won't... Life handed me lemons. ...talking more life handed us eggs, and now it's time for us to... Christopher?

Yes?

Christopher, how shall we sell these?

I was thinking of laying them out in a wicker basket and putting some strewn about strawberries. Strawberries? Strewn about strawberries and strawberries.

Strawberries aren't in season, sweetheart.

Oh, yes, you're right. Maybe we could use some apricots or some legumes from the gurn. What, legumes? Some legumes, some green beans.

See, mercy, mercy, seen, seen, mercy done. Stop forever. I don't want to stop. Okay, keep going. I just couldn't take that mouth smack, even though that is a word. Technically that's a word with no vowels. What's your favorite mouth smack song? Remember when Smash Mouth and Godsmack formed a band together?

The blankets. I'm going to say the blankets' final answer reaches.

Do you want to phone a friend?

Don't call me.

We're going to call Erin Keif. Doo-dee-dee-doo-dah-dah-dah-dah.

Hello.

Hi Erin Keif. This is Regia Philbin. What? I said, hi there, Regia Philbin.

Okay, I told you I'm not in love with you anymore. Please stop calling here.

Erin, it's JPC. I'm on who meant to be a millionaire.

Who Mets to be a billionaire?

It's who Mets to be a billionaire.

JPC, I'm not in love with you anymore. I told you to stop calling me.

Please take me back.

Hey sweetie.

Hey sweetie, who's on the phone? Honey, every call that comes into the house, you scream, I'm not in love with you. Heavens to Boogatroyd! You're dad's snuggle post, right? Yeah. What do eggs come under? We don't know. The blankets.

I don't think we know. The blankets.

Eggs usually come under hens. Fuck you. We'll take a little bit of time to digest how satisfying that was.

Eggs come under biscuits. Excuse me?

I'm ready for another.

Yeah, I won't want to clear the eggs out of my mouth. How is it possible to shave three times a day and still grow a beard? Shave your legs. Shave a second off your record time. I mean, those are both correct and awesome.

But not the one you're looking for?

But not the one I'm looking for.

Shave three times a day.

How is it possible to shave three times a day and still grow a beard?

You're shaving a different part of your body.

Damn dude, three times a day is way too often to shave.

I have to shave my face three times a day.

Erin gets a 5 o'clock shadow, she gets a 5.05 shadow, she gets a 5.10 shadow, she gets a 5.15 shadow.

It's not shaving hair.

It is.

Alright, so it's shaving a different part of your body.

Name those parts.

Arm pit. Legs.

Butt hole.

Cooter.

Butt hole puts a hole in between.

Cooter.

You gotta shave your cooter.

Yeah, shave your teeth, shave your eyes, shave all this stuff.

Which is my favorite Billy Madison, my favorite Happy Gilmore villain was Cooter McGavin. Jesus.

Did we get it right?

Uh, no you did not. What are you looking for?

I'm looking for the answer.

How is it possible to shave three times a day and still grow a beard? The answer... if you were a barber. Then you could shave other men three times a day and still grow your own beard.

I mean that is correct because that's the only time you'd want to shave that much.

I'd like to see a scene. Okay. JPC, you're a barber and Adal you come in every day to get your haircut and JPC you're like you've had enough.

Okay. Just a little off the top please.

I'm sorry?

I just wanted a little bit off the top.

Carl, can I talk to you for a second? Oh, we're talking right now. Great. Just jump up in the chair. You come... Such a high chair. I thought I'd raise the chair to maybe prevent you from getting into it, but I can see now that that did not work. Carl, you come in here every day.

Oh, my nose is bleeding.

Carl, nobody's of use but you. You come in here every day. You ask us to take a little bit off the top of your head. Every day we give you a haircut, we charge you $39, and we send you on your way. Why? Why in God's name do you come in here for a haircut every day, Carl?

You know when you get your haircut and you see someone that you know and they say, hey, did you get your haircut? It just feels good.

It feels good.

I just want that feeling every day.

It's a little off the top every day. Your sides are out of control. You look like Bozo the Cloud, Carl.

I'm going for a look. I want to set myself apart from the other riff-raff. I want a distinguished look.

Would you let me do this? Would you let me give you a real haircut? One that'll last you a couple of weeks, and then you can see how that distinguishes you? Well, because you're a good... Your bones are getting... Sorry, that's my pager. Hold on. That's a 911 text from the wife I better call. I better call this one in.

Hey honey, it's me. I'm on. Who wants to be a millionaire? Okay.

The question... Are you with... are you with Riebus Philbin? This is Riebus Philbin. Riebus is like, oh, I'm such a big fan.

Is it Erin Keif? I love you so much. I love that a barber would be like, I just... I can't make all this money.

Barbers have, they took an oath. They have to do no harm. And they can't give you a bad haircut every day. Can I tell you something that's weird? Always. You tell me if this is weird, because I find it very weird. At the place that I go to get my haircut, I will see all the time. Plug that place. Oh god. Snippy Clippies. Snippy Clippies. It's Snippy Clippies?

It's a place on Irving Park.

It's a place on Irving Park. What's that place called?

Floyd's?

Floyd's. It's like Floyd's something. Floyd's 99 or something like that. It's like Irving Park and like South Park. Yes, Floyd's 69. I would have forgotten that. It's four 2069 haircuts. But I see all the time like couples go in there and like the female part of a female male couple Like the man will be getting his haircut and she'll be sitting there waiting and then the barber will be like ask her if the haircut's good and then she'll look up and be like yeah that's great and then they'll like get up and leave and I've seen this multiple times.

So they defer to the

Where it's like the guy does not either does not know how to get his haircut or does not have permission to get his haircut or... That's strange and also I've gone in there with a boyfriend and that's happened.

You've done that? Yeah where they've gone and I did not me prompting them but the barber's like oh you're here with your significant other like make sure they the old lady likes it okay I don't give a shit I'm on my phone.

I have so many questions yeah why were you there together why were you just waiting for them to get a haircut?

Because you just run errands. You were just out running errands and the haircut was... Yeah, and I think also when I went, I was like, oh, maybe I'll get my bangs cut.

But you didn't.

You didn't end up getting your... I think I maybe ended up getting... But when I was like sitting there on my phone and then the person was like, what do you think?

Because every time I see it, the woman never gets her haircut. And it's not like she just has already had her haircut. It's like they came in together.

Have you never run errands with a significant other?

I don't consider a haircut to be an errand, I don't think. Because it takes like... A haircut's an errand?

What constitutes an errand?

For me, for it to be an errand, I have to be able to like... I don't have to be a... I should be able to go in and out and I shouldn't have to wait for any period of like returning... This is the most serious I've ever seen you be.

Returning some groceries or returning some groceries. Now I gotta say the same thing. Erin, you work at Marianos. JPC, you're a sociopath who's returning groceries.

I have no people that return groceries to grocery stores. Most grocery stores will just let you do it without a receipt. Seriously? Yes. Okay, ready? Excuse me. I need to return some of these peppers. What? I need to return some of these peppers. I was here the other day.

I know. I'm the one who checked you out. These were uncooked. These were uncooked when you bought them.

Yes. I took them home and cooked them as you can see. All the moisture is left in them and I would like to... Your sign says full refund for any produce.

Yeah, but you cooked them.

I'd also like to return these bananas. Okay. I squished them up.

Yeah, you squished up these bananas. I see you're rolling a tire. Are you planning on returning that as well? Because we don't even sell tires here.

You know, the tire is also full of all of these baby squish. I'm returning these baby squish. I'm also returning some mint and decayed red that I bought four months ago.

See, sir, I'm having a bad day.

I used to be the piano player here, and now I'm... You could open it, and you still hear the fff sound, because it then opened. I'd like to return all the men to do it.

How do you know?

It will make that sound. Try to make the sound.

You just made it with your mouth.

I didn't. You made it with your mouth. Your senses are full of return for all the items. I'd also like to return this jar.

You didn't even try to hide it, sir.

You looked at me and fully made that sound. I'd like to return this jar to skip the peanut butter.

Okay, this is filled with piss.

This is how I bought it.

Well, there goes Jiffy as a sponsor.

Not to keep talking about this.

Cheesy moms, choose piss.

But again, I don't want to do a generalization. It just feels like a lot of people I know who have shorter haircuts mostly get haircuts a little bit more impulsively than someone with long hair because it's more like, the length is driving me nuts just today. The difference between it being comfortable and not comfortable is Do you know what I mean? Yeah. So it's more like, oh, we're out and about and I should go get my hair cut. I'll feel better.

I guess so. I mean, every time I don't make appointments there. So every time I go there, I end up like waiting for like 30 minutes just to like wait for them to cut my hair. I don't know, man.

It just... My mom is a barber. My mom runs a barber shop and that happens to her with like parent child. Yeah, it feels poor to child. If it's like a kid under 16, she'll turn to the parent and say, is this good, and not ask the kid. But with the couple, that's insane.

I remember my grandma took me to get a haircut when I was a kid, and we went to like a great clips. And I had long hair, and I liked having long hair. And I mean I was like young and I sat in the chair and I was like I just want like a little bit off of like just like a you know a little bit off and she went and like checked with my grandma and she was like we'll just give him like the back to school cut and I was like I don't know what that means and she cut off all of my fucking hair. Did she cut your hair to look like Rodney Dangerfield?

I got no respect. No respect for the old back to school haircut.

But I was livid. I was like, how dare you not respect my wishes. Me, a child. A child with agency. But no one knew what that meant. No one knew what back-to-school cut meant.

Okay, that is so funny because it feels like the school bullies pay every barber shop in town. You're like, alright, ruin their confidence right before they go back to school.

But I do want to have the Hey Riddle Riddle fans weigh in on this. So if you think that it is fucked up, that... You don't answer fans.

Why are you so mad?

No, if you think it's fucked up to have to get someone else's approval when you get a haircut, hashtag haircut hair nuts.

No, I do my cut, not your cut.

My cut, not your cut. And if you think that it's perfectly acceptable to get someone's permission to do a haircut,

I'm a possessive partner.

Hashtag I'm a possessive partner. Wow.

It's a nice, simple, memorable hashtag. A simple, memorable hashtag. Don't really stick in your craw. I'll certainly remember saying... I don't remember anything that just happened. I grew up in a town... Bragg? I grew up in a town. Big shot grew up in a town. We moved like 10 times in 8 years when I was a kid. But I lived in a town called Naponset, which is a town of like 300 people. And there's a barber there called Two Minute Mics. And so he would, as advertised, he would cut your hair in two minutes or less.

I don't think that's why he got that nickname.

Hey Mike. Mike, this haircut took 22 minutes. Yeah, no, it's just the amount of time I come.

Not even in fact, that's how long he comes!

Ew! Yeah, that's too long. I last forever, but when I come, I come for two minutes. But it's not all fast, it's slow. It's like, uh... It comes in waves. Yeah, it comes over eggs. Me and Hen's come over eggs. They're growing! Erin has fully, fully left the microphone. But it was so funny as a kid I'd be like, oh this is fun. But the haircuts were always terrible. And then I'm like, that's not, that's not a selling point. Like to do a haircut in under two minutes is not, Erin has laughed so hard she's hurt herself. She's pulled her bicorder out. She's clutching, she's clutching her her Mabel, her Mabel shirt.

What's her last name in that show? I don't know. Mabel and Dipper or something?

I don't remember.

Oh my god, sorry. I completely distracted from your story. Yeah, Erin.

Adal was telling a fun story about two-minute mics, and now we'll never hear the end of it.

We'll see a quick scene. Jesus. JPC, you are a two-minute mic. Okay. Erin, you are laughing, and we take you to mid-coitus.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. You wait a minute. You wait a minute.

You wait a minute, Mike. Does it hurt your feelings that we all call you that?

No, I mean, you know, can we stop having sex for a second?

Uh, sure.

Okay, can we talk?

Okay.

All right, sit cross-legged on my bed.

Okay.

No, I mean, it doesn't hurt my feelings. I mean, you know, it's a nickname and it's a nickname with a purpose. I know, I know why I got it and I know why I keep deserving it. So it doesn't hurt my feelings.

Um, the haircut you gave me.

Uh-huh.

It is, it's nice.

Okay. Thank you.

I just, I feel like you don't have to do everything in two minutes, you know?

No, I mean, my guarantee is that in two minutes we will have sex and I will cut your hair. And if I can't be a barber who cuts people's hairs during sex, I don't want to be a barber.

You just like, you cut, you gave me a bob with a sword. You just sort of like sliced. And all of a sudden my hair was short.

Yeah, I mean, did someone call me? Did someone say a Barb with a sword? Oh, okay. Fuck you. Fuck you both.

Barb, go back to your lemonade. Go back to your lemonade, Barb.

I was watching your phone.

How did you keep getting it? Oh, man. Two little mics. I sometimes don't get far enough back from the microphone in time.

So if you're ever into Ponce, Illinois, look for two-minute mics. Oh, that guy's in jail. If you come for two minutes, you're probably got to go out in public at some point. Two-minute mic. Forgiving two fast haircuts I sit in two to a hundred years in jail. But when I was, I mean, I was probably 10 at the time and he was probably his mid-70s. Oh, okay.

He's alive for sure.

But also my great-grandma lived to like 98.

Oh my god.

Till 1998. Yeah, she was 65. 1998. Here we go, let's do maybe one or two more warm-up riddies. Yeah, three or four. Three or four more. What does the richest person in the world make for dinner every night? What does the richest person in the world make for dinner every night?

Does it make dinner because they're at work?

They just spread some butter on bezost.

Gold. They eat gold.

Riches Man in the World doesn't make dinner every night. They frickin' pay someone to do it.

Yeah, they make their staff make dinner.

I mean, you're on the right track.

On livable wages. You're on the right track. Being a billionaire is immoral. Eat the rich.

But you have to really follow the make thread. What do they make for dinner every night? Money, baby. Cash. Cash is queen.

Cash is queen. What does the richest person in the world make for dinner every night? Steak. And here's the sizzle.

I give up.

Reservations. They would also not make reservations. They'd have an assistant do that.

Hold on, let me call this book real quick.

I want to see a very quick scene. Where Adal calls a book. Adal, you work at a restaurant, and JPC, you're a millionaire, or you're just a rich person, but you can't quite afford an assistant, so you're pretending to be your own assistant, or secretary calling in to make reservations.

Hello?

Yeah, I need a table for two for tonight, seven o'clock.

Um, I didn't even get to say the name of the restaurants. This is, um... I said restaurants, it's just a single... I'm so sorry, this is my first name. What's your name? This is your first name?

Yeah. That whole sentence was your first name. Correct. Oh boy. What's your last name, kid? I'm gonna call you by your last name.

Restaurant?

I'm gonna call you Dickhead. Listen, Dickhead. I want my reservation. Table for two, eight o'clock. You know who my boss is?

You said I want my reservation, so I assume it's you, your own boss?

No, I'm a different man.

I'm sorry, I was an English major. I pick up on things.

You're an English major? You sound like a major pain in my ass.

Is this how you always talk?

Is this how you always talk?

Yeah.

No, it's not. Who's your boss? My boss is me. I'm pretending to be my boss. What are you pretending to be?

Waiter? I guess that doesn't make sense up on the phone.

You're pretending to be a waiter?

Okay, major D. I don't even know what major D stands for. What's that? I don't even know what major D stands for. At first I thought when I got this stuff that they were saying major league and I love that movie.

No, no, no. It's major D. It's like... Ever seen major league? Yeah, I have.

Major D is like scuba. Oh, it all stands for something?

Yeah.

What does it stand for?

Maybe after...

Scene. Let's do one more. This is another simple question. Can you name at least two things that have to be broken before they are used? Promise. Silence. You said silence? Okay, no.

Oh, glow stick, motherfucker! A fucking glow stick needs to be broken.

Do you have to break an egg before you use it? You can't tell this, but Erin is on Molly. What?

Egg and glow stick.

Egg is one. Glow stick, I'll count glow stick, but there's one more out there. You don't have to break an egg, though, before you use it. You can hard boil it.

Interesting Riddle. Well you still have to get that shell off.

Yeah I guess so. You take the shell off. Another thing that you have to break before you can use it. The brakes on a car. No. Pretty good. Another thing that you have to break before you can use it. A break dance.

A heart.

Hmm. That's pretty good. Have we had this question before? Break wind. But probably. I don't know. It's a horse. Oh yeah, you have to break its spirit. You suck horse. You're a shit horse.

Okay, I'm ready.

Speaking of one more thing we have to break before we can use it, let's take a break and we'll be right back with more Ribleys and Publies. And glow sticks. Riddies believe it or not. Hey Erin. You're a pretty unique person, would you agree?

Yeah, I'm pretty and unique.

You're unique?

Okay.

Or you nitty? Yeah. What do you sleep on?

Um, sometimes it's just like a bunch of newspapers stacked on top of each other of like when I've been in the news. Um, and sometimes it's JPC. That's a pretty thin amount of newspapers. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Local girl falls downstairs. What? I said local girl falls downstairs. Does it on purpose, goes to jail. Well, Erin, because of your unique, uh, pretty makeup, I don't know how to phrase this, you should be sleeping on the Helix mattress that JPC and I got you.

Yeah. I mean, we know that sometimes people have been like, don't sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, but they mean don't side sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, don't hot sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, because we know that everybody sleeps different. Well, the Helix Sleep Mattress is designed for people who sleep in a variety of different ways.

And you can take a quiz. And it's not the type of quiz that you can fail, so don't worry about that. I worry about that. But it's just a quiz to get to know what kind of sleeper you are.

You took the Helix Sleep quiz, Erin, and you got a don't sleep, right?

The first F ever.

You can find that quiz at helixsleep.com slash riddle. It only takes two minutes, and it's going to match your specific makeup to a mattress that's right for you.

Yeah, that's why they call it Helix Sleep, because it relies on double helix, so you just enter your DNA into the quiz, and then it tells you what kind of mattress is your soulmate, basically.

And it tells you what kind of mattresses your ancestors slept on. I mean, you'll see that in your dreams.

Yeah, that'll be something that, they don't promise that, but that is something that comes in most people's dreams.

And they have a 10-year warranty, and you get to try it for 100 nights risk-free.

They have a 10-year warranty?

There is a little loophole here because they say 100 nights, but you also get the 100 days as well. So you can sleep at the mattress 24 hours a day for 100 days.

And for me specifically, for Adal Rifai, those are Arabian days and Arabian nights.

That's not something any of the rest of us feel comfortable saying.

And if you sleep next to a partner, half the mattress can be for you, and the other half, the mattress can be for your partner.

Or, you know, you can do three quarters. Just with sprawl. With arms and legs. But right now, Helix is offering up to $125 off all mattress orders. That's $125 off. To get your $125 off at helixsleep.com slash riddle. That's helixsleep.com slash riddle for up to $125 off your mattress order. Don't sleep on this deal. That's not theirs, that's mine.

I guess the way I sleep is I clutch a pillow and I kiss it.

Yeah, I do the same thing but the pillow's in between my legs.

How I sleep is, you know when you get someone in that like choke hold, like with your with your leg?

Oh, like Zena did for James Bond in that movie?

Yeah, that's what my blankets do to me.

That's helixsleep.com slash riddle. Of course on the pillow I write not a pillow. So when I kiss it it makes sense.

Naturally. You're pretty unique.

Helixsleep.com slash riddle. Welcome back everyone. Erin is, what are you drinking there?

I am drinking seltzer water and it's caffeine free and Adal gave it to me.

And I am drinking one gallon of a dog's piss.

But he's holding up water.

He's holding up a can of Jiffy peanut butter. Is there a peanut butter called Jiffy?

Is there Skippy and Jiff? And Peter Pan. I am drinking 64 ounces of peanut butter.

I'm ready for some real-time riddles and puzzles.

Did you know that the name Wendy did not exist before Peter Pan? What?

Is that true?

Mm-hmm. Wow. The name Wendy was made up for that book. That's crazy. By, what's his name? Jay Berry or something?

Yeah.

Wendy is very patient. J.K.

Berry. The name Lilliputian was only ever used in the book. Delivers Travel? Yeah. Before there was never a name of a person.

Did you know that painting a fence was created by Mark Twain?

As whitewashing a fence. Before what? They would paint a fence. But whitewashing a fence? That was original.

Well, it's a fence, but it's got like condos and a Starbucks. Dave Matthews is playing. It's really whitewashed. Let's get into our main... Hey, every time I take a shower, it's whitewashing. Erin, you get that?

I'm gonna look at the wall.

GBC is on the wall. Here we go. Let's get into our main meats. Here's riddle number one.

I want charcuterie.

Let's get into our charcuterie. Let's get into our charcuterie. In a small town in the United States, a teenage boy asked his parents if he could go to a friend's party. His parents agreed, provided that he was back before sunrise. He left the house that evening, clean shaven, and when he returned just before the following sunrise, his parents were amazed as he had a fully grown beard. What happened?

He's a barber and he would shave other people's beards and glue them to his face. That's what it was. Damn. So, small town. This is small town boy. Gotta be here to grow on his face. He's going to a concert over, he has to be back before sunrise?

Party.

No, he's going to a party.

John P. Cougar. J. P. Cougar.

Alright, so he's going to a party. He has to be back before sunrise.

Going to a party. He got to be back by sunrise. He left the house that evening clean shaven, and when he returns, just before the following sunrise, his parents were amazed to see he had a fully grown beyond. And where's the town? What does it say about it? It's a small town in the United States.

Okay, so it's in Alaska. It's 30 days of night. It's that vampire book. And he comes back 30 days later with a beard.

They didn't see that he had a beard when he left the house.

Clean shaven. He's clean shaven. They saw he's clean shaven. Is it 24? Is it? No, that's 24 would be too many. Is it like over eight hours that he stays away from the house?

I got it. Your first guess, you practically got it.

What is it?

The small town was Barrow in Alaska, the northernmost town in the United States. When the sun sets there in the middle of November, it does not rise again for 65 days. That allowed plenty of time for the boy to grow a beard before the next sunrise.

Well yeah, the beard is going to be the least of his problem because the biggest problem is going to be all the freaking vampires and Josh Hartnett. They get up there and they start kind of going at it. He's caught in the present cell.

It's based off a comic book. I want to see a scene. JPC, you're a local teen in Alaska, and you're throwing a party. And Erin is at your party, and she's playing a guest who hasn't left your party in 65 days. Obviously the party ended 64 days ago, and you're trying to get her to leave.

I'm gonna probably turn in pretty soon.

Soonish. Oh yeah, totally. But like, another drink though?

Oh, yeah, no, I mean... Here's the beer. Okay, cool. I will save this for later. I'm gonna... I actually have to... because I have to go to work.

You know what? I would love to just like get into it with you right now. For sure. Like, let's talk.

For sure, yeah. Let's like talk. You're Brett's ex-girlfriend, right? That's why you're here? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What was your name again?

Jen.

Jen. That's right, Jen. Yeah. Hey, um...

Oh my god, do you have any snacks left? I feel like your snacks spread.

Yeah, it's a little bit bare bones because of the party in the 64 days ago. Hey, here's a thing, Jin.

What's up?

Um, can I call you a Lyft?

Oh my god, yeah. Like at the end of the party, definitely.

For sure. Yeah. So what if we just do one now, and then you get in it and go?

Oh my god, but we like haven't even like gotten to know each other yet. So like what's your deal?

Hey Jin, I need you to get the fuck out of my house. You've been here for fucking two months. Okay? What? I've been polite for two months. I've been dancing around this, but I feel like I'm going insane.

Alright, well I've been polite about your terrible haircut for two months, and I haven't said anything.

I get my haircut every day.

I know, it's awful.

What do you mean?

It's flat in the top! And big on the side, you look like a clown.

Okay, well I've been treated like a clown by you and everybody who could abuse my party and my trust.

I'm gonna stay.

Oh yeah? Yeah. Well if you're gonna stay, then you better drop to one knee, stay here for the rest of your life.

Oh my god. No.

Jim, for the pet, well, hold on. Can someone please leave this party? Us vampires are getting hungry.

There are people outside on your front lawn.

Those aren't people, obviously.

Oh, they're vampires. Yeah, those are vampires. Yeah, I'll marry you. I think I've maybe told this on the podcast before, but the first scene I ever did with JPC was in a show at CIC.

That makes sense.

That's appropriate. And I started a scene, he came out, and we looked kind of awkward at each other, and I went, I love you. And he went, Who are you in response because I was this woman who was staying at a party too long?

We are not good improvisers.

No, but that is a classic right out of the gate. I was like, I feel like I get what this is going to be like forever now. I love you. Who are you?

I remember watching one of the first shows I ever saw JPC and was at CIC as well. And he was doing a show where every time somebody tried to edit, he'd just be like, look at that person running across the lawn. And it was just like, I remember just like groaning and being like, this is the fucking... Speaking of JPC shows... I'm like, this guy's very funny, but like, if we can't honor edits... I saw Devil's Daughter show.

No rules. Where you're like, nobody knows I shit my pants. You're at a board meeting and you're like, no one knows but me.

Oh, there's a video of that on the internet.

There is?

We used to use that one for festival submissions.

Oh, interesting.

Did you get into those festivals? No. That's a big no.

Hey Adal, what memories do you have of me being funny?

Do you think?

Or me performing?

God, I remember every show I've ever done with Adal. He's played a horny dog that smokes cigarettes every show.

That's right. I honestly can't remember the first time we played together. I feel like there's a lot of world news scenes I remember where it's like a product like me being like, we're gonna play some movies and we want your feedback on it. You know, we're gonna have a test audience kind of thing.

I remember I did a scene with Erin where I was a guy who had invented this new way for three people to use the bathroom at the same time.

That's the hardest.

I laughed in the last two years. The scene was nothing because everyone on stage was just dying laughing. No, it was four people.

It was just me, you, and Shane. JPC was like, there is a way for three people to be in a toilet at the same time. And he walked through it and I was just completely dying.

I was laughing so hard I couldn't say any of the words because I had a mental picture of what it looked like and I was trying to get there physically.

Couldn't happen. Couldn't happen. This has been, hey, remember, remember? Let's get back to some pussies and readies. Here we go. What divides by uniting and unites by dividing? I'm a big fan of this one. What divides? By uniting and unites by dividing.

Trump. Marriage.

Wow, Trump. Wow.

Wow, Trump. Wow, worth it.

Wow, worth it. I'm going to take a moment to speak to social media. Okay. We've had a person or persons get very upset with how political we are on this show. Because over 30 episodes we've mentioned Trump three times.

Trump, what divides by uniting and unites by dividing? Boy oh boy. Is it this is the division symbol? This is a little line.

Is it a thing or an idea? Riddles.

Riddles, right? It's a tangible thing. It's an item. And something you probably use, I won't say you use it every day, but you use it probably a few times a week.

GUM, GLUE, toothpaste, I don't know.

It divides by uniting, unites by dividing. You use toothpaste a few times a week?

Uh, once a month, tops. Let's see.

Fork. It's fork. It's fork. What divides by uniting and unites by dividing?

You use it a couple times a week?

Probably. I mean, I feel like the average person uses it a few times a week. And it's absolutely in every household.

Flubber. It's flubber. I use it when I go to my basketball games, make me jump high. Make me dunk when I'm not supposed to be able to.

Is it like food? Like what is it?

It's not food. What divides by uniting and unites by dividing? Do you wonder? So it tears things apart when it comes together. Scissors. Scissors.

It's scissors.

and unites by dividing. Wow, yeah, Skysers. I've not used sis-gores in maybe a year? I use my teeth. I use my teeth are a combination of two knives. I'm so fast that I don't need to use scissors because I have the way that I work my blades.

Imagine a ship in the middle of the ocean. I don't even remember what we were supposed to be doing.

I don't remember the assignment.

This is the John Lennon portion of the show. Imagine a ship in the middle of the ocean. The ship has a rope ladder that hangs over the side so its bottom rung just touches the top of the water. Each rung of the ladder is five inches away from the rung above it and from the rung below it. How many rungs will be underwater when the tide has risen five feet? So there's a rope ladder that hangs over the side. The bottom rung of the rope ladder just touches the top of the water. Each rung on the ladder is five inches away from the top. Five inches away from the rung above it and from the rung below it. How many rungs will be underwater when the tide has risen five feet? Dude, zero. Fuck, Erin, we're so fucking smart. We're so fucking smart.

It's actually zero. We don't know. We got no idea, but it is zero. It's because the boat rises with the tide, my dear boy. Rising tide lifts on boats. Rising tide raises all ships and let's all eat tide pods.

I say get rid of that ladder so all the fish can't climb up into the boat. Or the mermaids are the sea creatures.

That brings us to a day. Fish!

Or like in The Sims, you know when you would kill your Sims?

Oh yeah, you put them in a pool and get rid of the ladder. Yeah, we're psychopaths.

Make a tiny little room with just a stove, take away the door.

And they all just fucking burned to death the little gravestones pop out. I had never heard, I had played Sims in college, but I had never heard that called Simlish? What's it called? Simlish. I had never heard that before up until PodCon. And then somebody said like, oh, like they speak Simlish. And I was like, what? Like it took me where I'm like, are they talking about like,

No, you can go on YouTube and find, like, songs in Similish, too. Like, shackies who let the dogs out, or any other song.

I want to see a scene where JPC and I are at a high school. Erin, you're a new student who sat down at our lunch table, and you only speak in Similish. Hey, welcome. Hey, hey, come over here. Yeah, come on, sit.

Oh, okay. Oh, well, I'm... shed.

I said, I did banana. I saw, I got a banana.

Oh, yeah. Dude, dude, hey. Yeah? Mike, I've heard about, I've heard about this girl. It's Nell. Okay. I think this girl is Nell. What context? You ever see that movie Nell? No. She's Nell.

Oh, she said, good day.

Oh, hey, yeah.

Oh, the bathroom, it's right over there.

Oh, no.

That's okay, that happens. She's like a mix of the teacher from Peanuts and the lady Rainicorn from Adventure Time. Use some references I know.

You're seeing the movie now?

Whoa, a ballgown. That's a beautiful dress.

You just built a fucking house inside the cafeteria.

Oh yeah, there's hot dog water. All the hot dogs are just floating in it. Oh, you're scared of ghosts? Your butt is haunted? That's crazy. This school is haunted.

Did you know that? Here's a Dasani.

I don't want to, you don't want to put ketchup in it. That would ruin it. This audio already has a great natural crisp flavor. What's your favorite 311 song?

Seed. Seed. It's Amber. Amber is the color of my energy. You have a glass filled to the top. You hold it straight out in front of you and you let it fall to the floor. Is it possible for the glass to fall without spilling any water? You have a glass. It's full to the top and you let it drop to the floor. You hold it out straight in front of you. You let it fall to the floor. Is it possible for the glass to fall without spilling any water?

Yes.

How so?

Because that's what you want us to say.

You want us to say that it is.

You want us to defy the basic logic our brains do.

I would say no unless there's a trick to this glass. Oh, this is the movie glass and he's unbreakable. There's a lid on the glass. It's unbreakable. Is there a lid on the glass? No. Okay. I mean, but that's probably the answer. That's probably an answer, but why would you ever put a lid on a glass unless it's a sippy cup?

I don't know.

I would say no, it's not possible. That's my answer to this yes or no riddle.

It would be a terrible riddle.

Yeah. No. No, it's not. What is salt?

Yeah, it doesn't spill any water because there's something on top.

Because you catch it because it doesn't fall. Because you... It's a vase. Because what is spilling, you know? The water exists in the world. The water's ice. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

Canoe dog.

Canoe dog. That's a good answer. The water's ice, canoe dog. Imagine a glass of water. Imagine you go to a restaurant, ask for a glass of water.

Imagine all the water.

Waiter brings a glass of water in the glass of water, tiny little dog in a canoe. What do you do? Drink it immediately.

Drink it. Eat it.

Anything a waiter gives me, drink it immediately. Imagine, Erin, imagining at a restaurant, waiter brings you a full glass of Dr. Pepper. What do you do?

Throw it at the wall. Adal threw his Mountain Dew at the wall earlier.

You have a glass filled to the top. You hold it straight out in front of you. You let it fall to the floor. Is it possible for the glass to spill without spilling any water? Is it possible?

Yes. Filled to the top, but we never said what it was filled to the top with. It wasn't water. That's the answer.

Of course it's possible if the glass is filled to the top with milk.

With milk and twins.

And by milk we mean the Sean Penn movie. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Milk.

I love... what is that for, are you? Let's do another Riddy.

Love it. Cannot wait.

At a posh restaurant.

Before we do, does everyone want to take a big drink of their glass of milk? Yeah. I don't love milk.

I don't love milk.

God, I remember being a kid and we never drank milk in my house. Like, I think we maybe had like 2% milk with like cereal, but no one ever really like drank milk. And then you'd go over to a friend's house and everyone would have like a full glass of whole milk for dinner. And it was like, what are you, like, you have to drink this, you psychopaths? Oh, a whole glass of milk for dinner? Yeah, like with your dinner. That seems weird. With your dinner, glass of milk.

Sean drinks an entire gallon of milk every like 36 hours.

He's gonna die.

I don't know what, right? That's disgusting. Why? He just drinks so much milk. That's like his beverage of choice.

Do you want to say who Sean is?

Is he a professional gamer? Yeah, he just, I have no idea, but he's very like strong and fit. He must have something figured out that we don't. Well, he like drinks the amount of milk that someone going through puberty would drink in their bone search.

I don't want to do any myth busting, but drinking a gallon of milk every 36 hours does not make you strong.

I got all this muscle.

All I do is lay around all day, but I drink a gallon of milk. I'm so buff.

That's gross, though. I would not drink that much.

I guess milk has calcium and protein in it.

I remember when I first started staying over at friends' places, like sleepovers and stuff. When you were homeless? When I was homeless. I remember being outraged and disgusted at breakfast when my friends would eat their cereal, finish their cereal, and then drink the bowl of milk, drink the cereal water.

Cereal water.

Milk is cereal water. Let's all agree. That's what it is. Did I just call it milk cereal water? Yeah, trademark.

Soil it.

But it was, like, at my residence, we would eat the cereal and there'd be leftover milk and you'd just put that down the drain. But they would, like, lift it up and chug it. If it's fruit loop, you better drink that milk. It is.

It's like just sugary. It's sugary milk. It's pretty gross.

But as a kid, I was horrified. But now as an adult, like, if I go to New York, I go to milk bars They have cereal milk ice cream and it's delicious. I've come around.

We're really proud of you.

I remember when I was a kid, I'm eating out at a friend's house and they would eat spaghetti and they would like take forks and spoons and like twirl the spaghetti on the spoon and eat it and I was like, what the fuck? Because at my house it was like, you make the spaghetti, you put it down, two dogs in an alley, you take one end in their mouth, the other end in the other mouth, and then they kiss, a little doggy kiss. And to me to eat the spaghetti as a human is gross because that's for dogs to kiss.

My childhood.

I want to see a scene. JPC, you are a young JPC. Yes. Erin and I are two dogs that you found. And you're trying desperately to recreate the Lady and the Tramp scene. But we just won't let you have it.

Okay, okay, come here, come here, come here, come here. Oh, you want a treat? You want a treat? You want a treat? Fall, fall. Fall? Fall. No dog is ever full. I'm full. Are you full?

Diet.

Diet? What the fuck? Oh, come on. Okay, okay. You don't want treats. What do you want? Do you have money? I have money. Alone time. You want a long time? Alone time.

Alone time.

You want a long time.

There's some breathing room.

Okay, so you want space. You just always open our face. Sure. What about you?

Couple paid days off.

You want PTO?

I want PTO.

Okay, and you're fine taking your alone time unpaid? Well, now I want PTO. Great. So you don't want treats? Well, hold on, hold on. No one's talking about that, okay? First of all, there's no need for collective bargaining because I treat you right. You know, I'm an employer. I have your best interests.

Why is there a little table? I'm sorry? Why a little table?

Oh, you know what? You want some time? Some alone time? Go ahead, sit down, just take a load off, relax, and look, hey, look at this. A big plate of spaghetti. What's that?

Spaghetti is not a food for dogs.

Anything's food for dogs. If dogs fucking eat it, stupid. There's nut reguses in here. That'll kill us.

Also, Spaghettis.

Spaghetti doesn't have nut regus. And Thumbtacks.

Okay, look. Rough, rough, rough job. No trouble. Look, okay. I just want to know what it's like when the life leaves the dogs out. I'm a young GPC. This is my history.

So we're going to kiss and we'll see you later. Woof, woof.

I want the kisses. The dogs kiss me. A confused boy. Why, you really go to town with the nutrages. Oh man. Nutrages. That's a candy.

Yeah, it's delicious. At a posh restaurant, I was having dinner with a noted historian. We were discussing the relative merits of the life of Woodrow Wilson when my friend turned to me and said, I'll tell you all you need to know about the character of Woodrow Wilson, why he ran for president, and his own mother didn't even vote for him. Is that true, I asked? Of course it's true, he said. I know whereof I speak. Nobody talks like that. That ended the discussion. I didn't realize until I arrived home that although my friends spoke the truth, I had been tricked. How had I been misled?

The mom was dead.

That's a good guess.

The doctor was the mother.

That's not correct, but that is a good guess.

So this was supposed to be a posh restaurant, but it was actually David Beckham. Oh, I was going to do that. Yeah, yeah. Could the food use a little more spice?

Yeah, here's a story from agency. You want to guess with me?

I'm Adal Rifai. His mother couldn't vote. She was a felon. You're half right.

Is that a Spice Girls song? Wait, wait, wait.

Woodrow Wilson? Woodrow Wilson and the Spice Girls? Yes. Which one was he? Baby Spice.

That's definitely the funniest one.

Sporty Spice also would have been funny. No, Woodrow Wilson wasn't the one who was non-native born, right? Was Woodrow Wilson... His mother was not an American, so she couldn't vote for him.

Um, no.

Damn it.

His mother was dead?

Her mother, his mother, his mother, she could not.

She wasn't dead. She wasn't, um, a non-U.S. citizen. She was in prison. She wasn't a felon.

She was not a voting age.

His mom was 15 years old. She had Benjamin's buttons. Benjamin's buttons disease. You were, I mean, you're right that she couldn't vote, but I just need the why. She didn't have any hands or eyes. That's what it was. She couldn't vote. Oh, because women did not have the right to vote. That's what it is. Wow, fuck that. Of course Woodrow Wilson's mother did not vote for her son. She couldn't. Women didn't have the right to vote before 1920. Their first woman, in fact, to cast a vote for her son, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, is presidential election. In a presidential election was Sarah Delano Roosevelt. Wow. SDR.

Can I see a scene? Adal, you're one of the Spice Girls. You can pick which one, and I'll be another one. And JPC, you were going to be the sixth Spice Girl, but we couldn't agree on who you were going to be. Okay. So this is all of us having a discussion. Right, so have you given any more thought to what your name's going to be?

Yeah, like for instance, I'm Five Spice. Yeah. Because I like to cook.

Yeah, but we might change that.

Well, no, I'm pretty set on it.

Right? I think you're a little scary. So maybe that's better for you?

Is it my red hair that scares you?

Right, yeah.

I'll just be ginger because I like to cook. Cool. Still because I like to cook. What do you like to do?

I was thinking I could return these peppers space because I didn't eat these peppers.

You can't return groceries. How about you be Joe Piss Spice?

Right, so we'll have sporty, ginger, scary, baby, posh, and... Draw a piss. I don't know.

I mean, do we really need passion patients?

Right, well then fine. I'm posh and then you'll be pissed.

Now, I know who they are, but I think we don't need both of them, so maybe Posh takes her ass and gets kicked to the curb.

Right, no. Piss, you get out of here.

No. Alright, hold on. Let's have the rest of the squad vote. All those in favor of having piss bites, beef members, mice, girls, say aye. I'm a little baby.

It's not that we do have an audition that you haven't passed yet.

Are you ready?

Are you ready? You have to tell us a story from A to Z. Meaning, you tell us a story. It starts with the letter A. Each word. There's a cavity for this game.

Is it a short-form game?

Yeah, this is based on the game from Kami Sports.

Whenever you're A. A woman gave birth to a little baby child. You've already failed.

No, I started with A. A woman.

I mean, every word starts with... You said every word, I said it was every sentence. No, every word.

A baby caused... Duh. A baby caused the elephant. Forget.

Oh, that would be very difficult.

Um, let's do one more riddle. Ooh, a little riddle. That's a fun change of pace for the show. I love riddle. Here we go. No, no. A man carrying three croquet balls comes to a swinging bridge. Tails all this time.

What's a swinging bridge?

Um, imagine a bridge. Now it's swinging.

Got it.

Put your keys in the bowl, baby. There's a bridge that goes to a key party.

No, I'm very monogamous with my bridge. Thanks so much.

A man carrying three croquet balls comes to a swinging bridge. The bridge is not very sturdy. A sign by the bridge states that it cannot hold more than 175 pounds. The man weighs 171 pounds and each of the croquet balls weighs 2 pounds. The man merely shrugs and carries the three croquet balls across the bridge. Why doesn't the bridge collapse? It says it can't hold more. Can't hold more than 175 pounds. He's 171 pounds. Each ball, and he has three, is two pounds.

It costs two pounds.

It costs two pounds. It's of small scales. I actually know the answer to this, so I will revoke my right to give any answers.

Erin, I don't know if this will be fun. Fucking try. Erin, I have a note for you.

Fucking give it your best, if that makes sense. I get that a lot. They called a lump a lot.

Really?

Like a lazy lump.

By who?

A lot of people.

Is it this fucking gallon drinking swig question?

Yeah. Adal, let me ask you this. Would the man's profession, or even hobby, help ascertain the right answer to this question? Absolutely not. Okay, never mind, I do that now.

Juggling. He's juggling.

The man is juggling cocaine balls. The man carrying the three cocaine balls is a juggler.

Hey Riddle I like to see a scene and JPC and I, we are two very fancy croquet rich people. And Adal you're here too and you want to start juggling them and we want to play croquet as it's meant to be played.

Oh, yes. Well, how the fuck do you play this game?

Well, there's little white little things that you put into the grass. And then you have these little mallets that you definitely don't kill your husband with.

And then you hit them through. Hey, what are you all laughing at?

Oh, we're playing cookies.

You're playing what?

Cookies!

Those little bread things and salads? No. No, those are croutons.

We're playing a rich game, cookies.

Oh, those, like, alien subspecies that Worf is?

No.

Those would be what is Worf?

How did you get into the country club? You don't look like you're from around here.

Hold on, Denise. Climb the fence. Cling on, yes. I'm done with that game. You couldn't keep up, so I left it behind. That's barely a game.

Yeah, we're playing cocaine. Well, it happens that we have a third little stick that we hit with, so if you'd like to join us,

No, I think I'll just, do you mind if I take these balls? Are these balls up for grabs?

Well, you can take these. That's my good man. You know what I'm saying?

Ooh, planters. Hell yeah, I'll take them.

And they still got the seal on them. Yeah, open it up. I'm sure it's not Joff Pizz.

Oh, it's a jar of piss.

Yes, it is.

We're rich.

We drink to stay young.

We're insane. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You drink your own piss?

No, it's our own piss. Why would we drink our own piss? Have you not read anything by Gwyneth? Yes, we're supposed to drink others piss if you stay young.

This is a real thing.

You drink orphan piss, my dear boy.

Yes, a couple of nights ago I got a real dip deep onto a piss-drinking Twitter. It's really awesome things I wish I hadn't have seen. You went on pitter? Yes.

Anyhoo, the balls and the sticks match up with colored blood.

Wait, no, you don't get to say anyhoo after you just say you drink orca piss.

Orca piss?

That's too expensive.

That's way too hard to find. I wish I could drink orca piss.

That's what caviar is, is what I hear.

Caviar?

No, that's actually wrong. You're stupid. What is caviar?

Why do you want these balls?

I thought... I have a little party trick I do. You want to see it?

Do you put them inside you, sir?

Mm-hmm. Oh, boy.

No?

No, I'd love to see you put these balls inside you. All right, do what you're going to do. Do your party trick. And the third... Hasn't quite gotten a single one of them down to you.

Isn't that kind of fun?

Oh, that was fun!

Hey, you all sound like the Spice Girls.

Who us?

Who us? Are you British?

Oh, sort of a British-Connecticut mix?

Yeah, okay. Just wealthy, I believe, is the accent.

This is the rich accent, did you understand?

In blood, he hasn't been drinking pierce and mercury in the pipes.

It's taken a lot of detours. You're a Bradley? What?

Ever since I called it out, it's taken all kinds of detours. I don't think it was quite defined as well.

I wear vineyard vines and beer, Bradley, and my hair is blonde. What?

All I heard was Milton Bradley. I didn't hear the rest. She said, we like to make vines, and we do Milton Bradley. Hey, y'all know Vine is done.

What?

You're all done. It's all about TikTok.

Let's eat.

Kesha. Oh man. Does anybody have anything to promote?

Oh wow, yeah. I was going to promote the death of all wealthy people. So the mass death of all billionaires. That would be something that I would promote. I would promote eating their corpses. And if you want to... You know you just killed Oprah, right? What's that? I think that, yeah, if it's all billionaires could go, yeah, we're gonna catch some good apples, but we're gonna... And you know you also just killed the show Billions on Showtime?

No!

Not Billions. What will Paul Giamatti do? The guy from Homeland. You know Redhead. Redhead Homelands. What's he gonna do? Even. You can follow me on Twitter at jpsofly or follow me on Instagram at sharkberkman, Erin?

Follow me, Erin Keif 10, on Instagram. Also come to World News Tonight at I.O. in Chicago at 8 and 10 30 on Saturdays. A lot of Hey Riddle Riddle fans have been coming and it's really nice when you stay after and say hi and we could talk to you.

And sometimes we're on stage doing scenes and out in the audience we see people wearing our merch and it's very exciting. I will say we've met a dozen or so fans afterwards. It's been phenomenal. If you come to the show and you stay after, please come up and say hi to us. I know recently I was there for like 20 minutes after a show and then went home and then Erin was like, Are you still here? There's fans and they want to meet us. And I'm like, I headed home. So please.

Yeah, we recently had that family from DC. I think Sam was the dad's name.

We'll never remember the dad's name.

I remember. I'm a name doctor. But they flew from DC to see us and they were so, so nice.

They were so mad. They were like, we flew from DC and you all were... We were all there.

So yeah, if you're in the Chicago area, come to the show, hang out afterwards, bring 18 bucks, we'll let you touch Erin's hair.

You can follow me on social media at Adal Rifai. You can email the show if you have a Riddle or a Puzzy you would like us to read on the air. You can email us at hrrpodcast at gmail.com. You can become a member of the Clue Crew by joining our Patreon for only five dollars you unlock. Erin, shut up.

I'm trying to do it.

You can run, train, on the Clue Crew.

Oh no. Patreon.com. Yeah, we're on Patreon, so come check it out. For $5 you get every single Friday we release a new bonus episode. It's about an hour long. It's like this, but a little bit different.

And a lot funnier because you have to pay for it.

Yeah, and you can't complain about us not doing many riddles. We're protecting ourselves, but still having fun. So check that out. I think that's about it. Erin, in The Sims, I know that sometimes you would like build a house and make a family. And then in the family we've gotten to the backyard, look up in the night sky and they'd see a certain planet and say, Come down Jupiter!

Hey Riddle Riddle. Created by Adal Rifai. Starting Erin Keif and John Patrick Coan. That was a hate gun podcast.