Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Aw, Riddle Me Kiss. Happy Valentine's Day or close to... Stop, it's gross. Yuck. It's Hey Kissy Kissy.

Hey Kissy Kissy.

Hey Kissy Kissy.

When Riddy met Puzzy. When Riddy met Puzzy.

These are all so bad. What are we going to do with the year?

What do we have to do all of these over again? I'm just a Puzzy standing in front of a Riddy trying to solve it.

I like that one.

That's pretty good. I'm your host Adal Rifai.

And I'm also Adal Rifai.

And I'm a dream come to life made of gold.

And you're listening to Hey Riddle Riddle, but it's our special Valentine's Day episode. I guess you're listening to all of the shit that we just said.

Erin, you're going to be, let's see here, Whittle, Cupid,

Ew. Absolutely not. Let's start from scratch. Okay. Old.

Old baby. Old. That's what we did for New Year's.

Cupid. Old. Old. I don't know.

Well, let's just go with what I said then. Both of you are like, absolutely not. I don't have any of my own offerings, but you're such.

Valentine's Day. Cupid shoots arrows. Cupid is a god. The god of lightning is Zeus.

Zeus is old. No. Aries? Aphrodite. Old, old man Aphrodite. Get me out of here.

I'm a celebrity, get me out of here. My name is Aphrodite and I keep it Afro-tighty. Okay, so you're gonna be Afro-tighty.

Okay, what's up everybody?

Not much.

I was not expecting that.

I didn't want to be put on this spot.

How in love are you with this podcast?

Okay, scale 1 to 10. I would say 1. 1 being long is the most possible. I know I love this podcast. I love everyone here. I love KJ sipping their tea. I love Erin sipping their... What is it?

Diet Coke.

Diet Coke and a Starbucks cup? You're truly trash.

Erin legit looks like Stevie Nicks right now because of her ensemble.

I'm Boston trash.

But you are truly trash. Nothing says Boston trash like drinking Diet Coke out of a Starbucks cup.

Anybody have any big Valentine's Day plans?

Sit home, won't cry.

Valentine's Day plans. Yes, I can't remember. I do know that I agreed to do something. No, so Valentine's Day is a Thursday, right? It is. I agreed to do sex. I'm really excited to try it. No, Valentine's Day is on Thursday, and I had a conversation with my girlfriend because I was like, what? Okay, level with me here. Like, is that day Is it the Thursday of Valentine's Day? Is that the important thing? Or can we do this on a Friday? No, I'm not a romantic person. Because really, the premise here is that I have a show on Thursday, and I was like, oh, I want to do a fun Valentine's Day episode of that show. And I'm assuming that Eddie and James who do that show with me are Which is TPK, our board game stream, are gonna have Valentine's Day plans, or probably should have Valentine's Day plans, but there's also some movie that's coming out the Friday after Valentine's Day, and I don't remember what it was, but we made plans to see that. It's like Death Day 2 or something? It's not, it can't be Death Day 2, it might be Miss Bala the Bullet. What's her name in it? I don't know. You're just making up movies? I don't know. We went and saw a movie the other week. We saw if Beale Street could talk and then we saw a preview for a movie that was going to come out the day after Valentine's Day and I was like, oh, it's a fun thing we could do.

So you're gonna stay home? Cry? That's great. That's a great activity. I had to buy my Valentine's Day gift for my boyfriend in early January because it's a commissioned bit of art. Someone's gonna draw him in a style of Oh my god.

I love style. My brain.

Picasso, go get him. Gravity Falls. Like in the animation of that.

Oh okay cool. So I got him that. Is it already done?

Yeah.

Does he listen to the show?

He's so far back. I made fun of him in an episode and he came in a room once and just played that and was like, what's the deal?

You make fun of me too much. As a little baby cupid, pussies, do you have a... I'm ready to go. Are these all love themed?

They are, or relationship themed. Get mad at our holiday episodes that there's not a lot of riddles in them. But here's the thing, the internet considers puns riddles. Like pun-based jokes. So I have a lot of those, and then I have some actual riddles.

And what has the internet ever been wrong?

That's what I'm saying.

Yeah, if you have four billion friends, stop making some enemies. And isn't that the tagline for a movie?

It is. Well then we're gonna do that, the game we played for Halloween and Christmas, again, with taglines and lines from Rom-coms.

I do love Rom-coms. What does it stand for? Rambo.

Rambo Comedies. I love Rambo Comedies. Ram-com.

What did the lightbulb say to his Valentine?

You really turned me on. You busted by Phil of it.

No, but that's amazing.

What does a light bulb say? I have an idea how to please you.

That's cool. I like that. Oh, screw me. No, these are all better than the actual answer.

You're not the brightest tool of the shed. We're breaking up your kind of dumb.

We're breaking up your kind of dumb. I would love if someone broke up with me with just that sentence. No further explanation. We're breaking up your kind of dumb. Bye.

But would you get it?

Nope. I love you wats and wats. It's a California joke. What did the octopus say to his valentine?

Kill me. I chose the correct soccer team that's going to win.

What do the octopus say to his Valentine?

Don't Cephalopodcast, no. I have a razor sharp beak and I can escape from anywhere. I think we're going to fuck tonight.

That's so much funnier than the one I am.

What do the octopus say to his Valentine? Do you want to know? In terms of looks, I rate you a 10 out of tentacles.

Erin's patting me on the head.

Oh, it's funny because octopus don't have any fucking hands. They do not have hands.

Also that octopus blatantly ripped off the fucking beetles. Jesus.

I wanna hold your hand, hand, hand, hand.

What if that's not even the octopus being funny, but it's like he has a mental, like, tick? Or it's like any Beatles song, he's like, oh, Norwegian would, would, would, would, would.

Is that how he incidences?

Yeah. Um, are you ready for a new one?

I like to imagine that the octopus was just trying to be very clever. Yeah.

What did the owl say to his valentine?

Who?

The fuck are you? New phone, who? This. You up?

Who up? I will be yours.

Oh boy.

Pretty good huh?

Yeah, Adal, you just say that too. You're like, Adal be yours. And I say JPC be yours.

I want to see a scene where JPC, you're going to be Darius Rucker from Hoodie and the Blowfish.

Great. Can I tell you a brief story about Darius Rucker from Hoodie and the Blowfish? Did you meet him? So I was at school and my dad was coming to pick me up from school and a kid who was, this is like in grade school, a kid is sitting next to me and he goes, is that your dad? And he was like, Yeah. I was like, yeah. He was like sitting in his truck. We had to like wait until the parents could come and get us. And I was like, yeah, that's my dad. He goes, he looks like Hootie. I was like, what? He goes, Hootie from Hootie Hit the Blowfish. I go, Hootie's black. I was like, who do you mean? For our listeners, I have a white dad. Hashtag white dad.

Did you want to see a scene?

I did. Yeah, it was about my white dad. So you can see you're going to be Darius Rucker from Hoodie and the Blowfish, white dad, and Erin, you're going to be in a relationship with Darius, and I want to see what, Darius, what you brought for your Valentine. Okay.

This wine is amazing.

This wine is amazing?

This wine?

Oh, what about the pig? It's been all day cooking.

Oh, this wine is pretty good. Okay. This wine is amazing.

What about the twine that I use to tie up all these streamers?

This twine? Yeah. This twine's good. It's not as good as the swine or the wine.

Well, the swine, the wine, and the twine, they're all for you.

Looks sweet. What else is for me?

Well, I thought that maybe later we could... Sorry, are you going to be using this pickle juice? Oh yeah, that brine is for a specific purpose. Thank you. Would you like some of the pickle juice?

The brine? Yeah. No, I'm working on my wine right now.

Well, the brine actually goes with the swine.

Oh, the swine, or the wine?

The swine and the wine and the brine all combine to make something divine.

I'm sorry, I think I lost my air freshener. It's like a woody scent. Have you seen it? Oh, this pine? Oh, there it is.

But hung up from the twine. I'm trying to create a evening to the nines.

What comes after eight? Nine.

I was really setting that whole thing up to 69.

Oh no, I'm bad.

We didn't get there. Dearest Rucker, I wanna 69.

Alright, here's another one. What did the train say to his Valentine?

I'll let you run you on me.

KJ's eyes got so big. Let's get this relationship back on track.

That's amazing. You should write these.

What are your local motives? Let me put it in your caboose.

Oh my god. Oh my god. These are so much better than the one. That's the actual answer.

Ah, god. It's not the Simpsons thing, is it? What? The Ralph Wiggum, I choose you or choose you. It is? Yeah. That's one of the most famous Simpsons moments ever, right? Yeah.

Are you ready for another one? Of course. What fastens two people, yet touches only one?

What fastens two people, but touches only one? Sex collar. Wedding ring. Yeah! Because one person is not into it. Is that what you're saying?

No, I'm just saying that it touches, it's only touching one person, but it fastens two people together. I thought you meant like an arranged marriage where one person is kind of checked out.

It should be touching both of them.

Opportunity to propose to Adal.

Spaghetti, but you make me the happiest.

Spaghetti said no.

JPC got down on both knees.

Here's your next riddle. I have a heart that never beats. I have a home, but I never sleep. I can take a man's house and build another's. And I love to play games with my many brothers. I am a king among fools. Who am I?

Honestly, JPC fits for all of those things.

I have a heart that never... Is it me? It's JPC. I have a heart that never beats. I have a home, but I never sleep. I can take a man's house and build another's. And I love to play games with my many brothers. I am a king among fools. Who am I?

Wait, wait, wait. What was it? I can take a man's house. What is it? I can build a man's house.

I can take a man's house and build another's.

And build in others?

Build another's. A-N-O.

And build another's. A tree.

I have a heart that never beats. I have a home, but I never sleep. I can take a man's house and build another's, and I love to play games with my many brothers. I am a king among fools.

Riddle. Parker Brothers.

You're the important parts of this, Riddle. I have a heart that never beats, and I love to play games with my many brothers. I am a king among fools.

A dead brother. Oh, a deck of cards. Oop, but more specifically. King of hearts.

Yeah.

Playing with the king of hearts.

And with a king of hearts.

I've got a beautiful... I only know one song and I just fit everything into that one song.

I want to see a scene where, Erin, you are the queen of hearts, JPC, you are the jack of hearts, and I'm your son, the three of hearts. Gotcha.

Do you know what today is, son?

Do I know what today is?

It's your fourth birthday.

Today is your fourth birthday.

Today you are the four of hearts.

I turn into a four? Will my letter change?

What do you mean your letter?

Or what's it called? The number?

Will my number change? Uh oh.

Honey, can I have a side bar with you over here? Quick side bar over here. He's so stupid. He's an idiot.

We have a stupid son.

I've taken me so long to realize, but he's dumb as a box of fuck.

Is this your fault?

Is it my fault?

I don't know. Box of fuck. Box of fuck. Certainly can't be my fault.

Hold on, let me kill this parrot squash.

It was a living.

I'm Orbin.

I'm worth more than you.

Okay, you're worth more than me? Yes. Depends on the game.

Well, what game are you worth more than me?

Yooker!

Oh, fuck Yooker! Who the fuck plays Yooker? People from the Midwest! Fuck Yooker! My point is proven.

All right. All right. You old queen, you old so-and-so. What are we gonna do about our dumb son?

Make him a two again.

Son, we've talked and we're sending you back a year. You're going to be spending another year as a two, then you can be a three, and then you'll be a four in two years.

Can I be an ace? No, because it's some games that's worth a lot.

Yeah, it's way better than some things.

Can I ask you something? Sure. You're both hearts. I'm a club.

Well, our mailman was a club. Why don't you ask... Why don't you ask the Queen of Hearts about that? Because I do not want to do it!

I walk in with you and the Joker!

First of all, what we were doing was... Look, it's wrestling. It's Grepo-Roman wrestling.

Okay, naked, wrestling.

Stop shuffling.

Stop shuffling.

Alright, alright, alright. Let's all calm down here, okay? At least we're not like those fucking diamond people.

Yeah. In two seconds, I'm about to slapjack.

In two seconds.

I've got a beautiful, beautiful hall, all walled in red velvet, with all white armchairs made of bone, and in the middle, a woman dances.

A coder. A coder. A coder matana. What a wonderful phrase. I ain't no passive phrase. It means my vagina.

That's the pelvic bone. Yeah, it's not a cooter. I've got a beautiful beautiful hall all bald and red velvet with all white armchairs made of bone and in the middle a woman dances.

All white chairs made of bone in the middle of woman dances. Is it a mouth? Yeah. It is a mouth. Teeth and a tongue, yeah.

Teeth and a tongue. And the woman is the, what's it called? Yuvula. Yuvula. I used to think that was a tonsil, but that's a tonsil of something very different.

That's true.

Yes. Tonsils are on the sides.

I used to be stupid, now I'm smart.

I got my tonsils out when I was seven.

I got my uvula out, and now I can't say uvula. Yeah, somebody talk about Youfula.

We're gonna come back to Longer Riddles a little bit later.

Hey girl, Youfula. I'm sorry? Trying to make a you up joke didn't work.

Are we ready?

Oh, I understood what you meant. What's that?

Are we ready?

We are ready.

So I'm going to give you the name of a movie.

Okay.

A romantic movie. Or no, no, no, no. I'm gonna give you the tagline and you're gonna give me the name of a romantic movie.

How funny would it have been if she just said movies and then like waited for us?

She gave us all the whole list of movies and then she was like, and now you go. What is the game?

Erin, I hate to do this to you on the podcast.

What's up?

You're dumb. We're breaking up.

What? See you tomorrow!

I remember I broke up with this girl in college and then she said, see you tomorrow. And then she just showed up with us like a reverse 51st dates thing. How many times have you been broken up with? One, two, three, four, four or five, I will say. I'm probably forgetting at least one.

I've only been broken up with ones.

Must be nice.

And it's with the person I'm currently dating. What? Yeah. You broke up with me. Today? No, not today. Can you imagine?

I'm fine.

That question is how you like start the conversation?

No, we broke up once. It didn't talk for like a year. But it never worked out. All right, here we go.

Yikes! Let's not dig into that. I broke up with a person once who gave my number to all of their friends, my cell phone number, and they were calling me at all hours of the night and leaving long messages.

And I got my phone number changed by telling my parents I needed to change my phone number without getting any context.

Whoa! Were they mad at you? Or were they like trying to get you to take her back?

Yeah, they were mad.

Uh oh. Wow.

Interesting. That's what happens. That's Indiana in the summertime.

Adal Rifai's are so big. He's like, wow.

We gotta have this person on the show.

Are we ready?

Test.

My dad? They had a date with fate.

When he asked you to change his phone number, what did you do? Wait, you're white.

Alright, first one. They had a date with fate.

Who did? They had a date with fate. Final destination.

Nope.

They had a date with fate. A date with fate. Oh, Meet Yo Black.

Oh, but that's a good one.

Casablanca. Are you ready?

Wait, the tagline for another movie is Casablanca?

Right, here's another tagline.

Gotcha.

What does it take to find a lost love? A. Money B. Luck C. Smarts D. Destiny This is a tagline?

That's a question. Yeah, so that's a multiple choice question.

Think of what movie has questions like that in it.

Oh, Question Heart. That Jeff Bridges movie.

What does it take to find a long-lost love? A. Money. B. Luck. C. Smarts. D. Destiny.

Four Christmases. Ooh. Four questions? Four questions.

Slumdog Millionaire. This spring, clear your mind.

Oh, uh, Spring Training. Eternal Sunshine.

Yeah, you got it. Eternal Sunshine. Um, A Nervous Romance.

Um, Anything Starring Hugh Grant. Nope. That's hilarious stuff. Anger Management with Adam Taylor.

Annie Hall. Damn it. Nothing on Earth could come between them.

Nothing on Earth. Oh, Deep Impact.

No, this sounds like this is about space, but it's not.

Damn it. Gravity. Nothing on Earth could come between them.

Twilight.

Titanic.

Fuck.

That's the tagline for Titanic?

Alright, let's, hold on, stop. We're stopping in the middle of your game. We're gonna workshop a better tagline for Titanic.

I have some follow-up questions about the magicians musicians King of the love

In Zane in the Membrane? That's good. Tits and Crash.

Magic as it went down?

One of the most tragic parts about the Titanic going down was how many magicians were lost.

All right, here's the next one. Before Sam was murdered, he told Molly he'd love her love and protect her forever.

The Unsinkable Molly. Oh, this is Ghost.

She walked up the street into his life and stole his heart. Yeah, everybody loved him. Everybody disappeared.

JPC. Everybody loved him. Everybody disappeared. Now you see me. Movie about a serial killer?

Jerry Maguire. Oh. Yeah, it's about a serial killer.

Now you see me. Everybody loved him.

When you're 16, anything can happen.

Sweet 16. 16 candles.

You got it. First dance, first love, the time of your life.

Save the first dance. Dirty dancing.

There you go. Can two friends sleep together and still love each other in the morning?

Story of my life. No, I found out this one is no.

We both found that out the hard way.

What's that? Was I ever best friends or friends with someone before we started dating? No. I've never dated a friend. No. Spaghetti is moaning.

It's strange. It's nice, but it's strange. Let's keep going.

Ooh, nice, but strange. Oh, is that a tagline? Yeah, it's nice. No, I wish.

Dr. Strange. She's got everything going for her. He's going for her with everything he's got. Jesus.

Jaws.

That sounds fucking terrifying.

Um, X-Men. Wait, she's got everything going for her. He's going for her with everything he's got? Uh... Oh, King Rauch.

Erin, shut up.

We're trying to guess. Erin, please. Say anything. Close the window. We're trying to guess here.

Sometimes the last person on earth you want to be with is the only person you can't be without.

Dracula dead loving it.

Pride and Prejudice. Can the most famous film star in the world fall for just an ordinary guy?

Notting Hill.

You got it. That's one of my favorites.

Never seen it.

Coming soon, actually.

GPC tonight. Coming soon? No, that's good.

Coming soon, comma, actually.

I'll love actually.

Yeah, you got it. Love is a force of nature.

Force of nature. Star Wars. Star Wars.

Star Wars Force of Nature Awakens.

It's Brokebackman. What if someone you never met?

Okay, let's stop on that one. There's got to be... Love is a force of nature? There's got to be a better one. What about cowboys? Can't we say something about cowboys? Cowboys.

Like, uh... Cowboys would be boys. Cowboys would be cowboys. Get on your horse, but don't wear a saddle.

Nice. I like that. That's not great! I think it is. Um... Ooh, where was I?

Saddle up and die? Nice. Because it doesn't shake you when you all die.

Uh-huh. I don't know how to quit you, right? That's the iconic line from the movie.

That's a good line. Are you ready? Yeah. What if someone you never met, someone you never saw, someone you never knew was the only someone for you?

Memento.

Nope.

Memento. Uno Memento. And this is not glass or unbreakable?

Nope.

Interesting. Read it one more time.

What if someone you never met, someone you never saw, someone you never knew was the only someone for you?

Catfish.

Sleep is in Seattle.

Fuck! Oh, that's true. That's the uh... Wait, how does Sleepless in Seattle go?

It's Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. It's Kelsey Grammer. She hears him on the radio and then goes and like stalks him, right? I've only seen it a couple times.

They meet on the Eiffel Tower? What's the one where she owns a bookstore?

That's a... Oh, you've got mail. That one's so good.

That's the one that I always confuse with the other one.

Scaling the Cliffs of Insanity, Battley Rodin's Game at Odds and Life in Love Online. You've got mail. Damn it. I just said that one. Can once in a lifetime happen twice? Princess Diaries 2.

Can once in a lifetime happen twice?

A glove?

Feel the dreams.

Nope, serendipity. Behind every great love story is a great story.

Behind every great love story is a great story. Oh, greatest story ever told.

This one's so vague.

Wall Street. The Notebook. The Notebook.

No laws, no limits, one rule, never fall in love.

Oh, that is How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.

Yeah, it's Fight Club.

Rule number one in Fight Club.

Don't fall in love.

Rule number two in Fight Club. Never fall in love.

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.

No, it's Mulan Rouge.

Fuck.

What was the tag line? No laws, no limits, one rule, never fall in love.

There's got, let's workshop another tagline.

The greatest thing you'll ever know is just to love and be loved in return. There's not a line for that?

Yeah, in all caps.

In all caps.

It's when he, the guy falls from the ceiling at the end, when he's about to leave and he goes, thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love, and he throws money at her.

Oh yeah.

And the guy falls from the ceiling and says that.

Yeah.

Has no one seen Will and Rich?

Tell us a trick.

Yeah.

I've not seen it. I've seen it like 20 times.

It is a fever dream.

It used to be Sadia's favorite movie so I would have to watch it if I wanted to sit in the living room. That's the worst thing about growing up with siblings is like if you want to be in the living room with an older sibling you have to watch what they would watch. So for me it was like Anna Green Gables, Mouon Rouge, all that junk.

Oh my god. Wait, junk? Anna Green Gables is not junk.

for us it was like if you were playing video games that everyone could play together it was fun because then you're all playing video games but if someone else wanted to play a one-player video game they had like a time limit but then you had to like watch them play it so then you would know all the things that happen in the video game so you could either not watch the video game and go sit in your fucking room and like study your books like an asshole or you could get the all the spoilers that's why I hate spoilers and why I hate books

My sister Molly watched so much Will and Grace for like four years and now I feel like sometimes I think in Debra Messing's voice. The cadence of her voice is how I speak I think because I watched billion hours. What's the cadence of her voice? I feel like well now I'm on the spot and I can't do it. Give me 10 minutes and then I'll do my Debra Messing.

And GPC, you think in Daniel Stern's voice? I think in Niles from Frasier's voice for completely different reasons.

Oh bother. It's because you've had sex with him. He took your virginity.

And Niles to go before I sleep. Didn't take it was freely granted. David Hyde Pierce, if you ever want to fuck me again, you know exactly where I am.

That delighted me. I'm going to give you a line from a movie and you're going to tell me the movie.

Okay.

And then we're going to go back to Riddle's Angry Listeners. You ready? Yes. Nice boys don't kiss like that. Oh yes, they fucking do.

Entourage movie. That's a video chase. Nice boys don't kiss like that. Yes, they fucking do.

Aliens. Nice boys don't kiss like that. Oh yes, they fucking do.

Something with Keir Knightley. This is one of my favorite moments in any rom-com. Okay, can you tell us who the boy is in the question?

Colin.

birth. Is this love actually? No. Bridget Jones's Di-Bree. Welcome to Bridget Jones Divery. My name is Kano and this is Bridget Jones Divery.

Yes. When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

Oh fuck, I feel like I didn't know this one. Does Kate Lourdes-Chette say this?

When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

Jerry McQuaggy. No. Oh man.

And then this is a hit as this song is playing. And then she goes, I hate you, Blank. I hate you so much or something like that.

Kati Langzein. How did this guy did this?

Nope. It's, I'd say, one of the most iconic.

You already kind of made, yep, you got it. What is it? When Harry Met Smell Me.

When Harry Met Smell Me.

I'll have the sandwich. That's my favorite line of the movie.

Don't you famously have a sandwich that makes people cum? With the lady of the diary. Do you want the sandwich that makes people cum or do you want the cum sandwich? Because those are prepared very differently.

They're prepared almost the same. I'll have this sandwich that makes people cum.

Let's please get a Harry Metzali movie poster that just says, I'll have the cum sandwich.

Oh, man. Oh, brother. Okay. Uh, why would you want to marry me for any- wait, sorry.

Remember the Titans.

This is a mouse. Pavel goes west.

Why would you want to marry me for anyhow so I can kiss you anytime I want?

Is this something that Nicolas Cage says?

Matthew Mcconaughey? Is it Mcconaughey saying it? No.

It's the characters when they're kids and then they grow up.

I don't think either of you have seen this movie.

I have to have seen this movie. Captain Ron.

Sweet Home Alabama.

What's the one where she lives on a Walmart? Sweet Home Walmart.

Sweet Home Walmart. Sweet Walmart outfit.

That's with Reese Witherspoon and who's the other guy in there?

I don't remember the guy.

So Shane Black or some fucking nobody?

It's Patrick Dempsey.

Yeah, director Shane Black. Director of Lethal Weapon, Shane Black took a turn into acting. Speaking of taking a turn, we should probably take a little breaky poo.

Gross.

Wait, we're gonna take a breaky poo? Yeah, a little break-a-poo. Okay, let's break-a-poo.

Okay, bye!

Hey, Erin. You're a pretty unique person, would you agree?

Yeah, I'm pretty and unique.

Yeah, you're unique.

Okay.

Or you're nitty. Yeah. What do you sleep on?

Um, sometimes it's just like a bunch of newspapers stacked on top of each other of like when I've been in the news. Um, and sometimes it's JPC.

That's a pretty thin amount of newspapers. Pretty thin pile of newspapers. Local girl falls downstairs. What? I said local girl falls downstairs. Does it on purpose. Goes to jail. Well, Erin, because of your unique, uh, pretty makeup, I don't know how to phrase this, you should be sleeping on the Helix mattress that JPC and I got you.

Yeah, I mean we know that sometimes people have been like don't sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, but they mean don't side sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, don't hot sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, because we know that everybody sleeps different. Well, the Helix Sleep Mattress is designed for people who sleep in a variety of different ways.

And you can take a quiz. And it's not the type of quiz that you can fail, so don't worry about that. I worry about that. But it's just a quiz to get to know what kind of sleeper you are.

You took the Helix Sleep quiz, Erin, and you got a don't sleep, right?

You can find that quiz at helixsleep.com slash Riddle. It only takes two minutes and it's going to match your specific makeup to a mattress that's right for you.

Yeah, that's why they call it Helix Sleep, because it relies on double helix, so you just enter your DNA into the quiz, and then it tells you what kind of mattress is your soulmate, basically.

And it tells you what kind of mattresses your ancestors slept on. I mean, you'll see that in your dreams.

Yeah, that'll be something that, they don't promise that, but that is something that comes in most people's dreams.

And they have a 10-year warranty, and you get to try it for a hundred nights risk-free.

They have a 10-year warranty?

Hey Riddle. And if you sleep next to a partner, half the mattress can be for you, and the other half of the mattress can be for your partner.

Or, you know, you can do three quarters. Just with sprawl. With arms and legs. But right now, Helix is offering up to $125 off all mattress orders. That's $125 off. To get your $125 off at helixsleep.com slash riddle. That's helixsleep.com slash riddle for up to $125 off your mattress order. Don't sleep on this deal. That's not theirs, that's mine.

I guess the way I sleep is I clutch a pillow and I kiss it.

Yeah, I do the same thing but the pillow's in between my legs.

How I sleep is, you know when you get someone in that like choke hold, like with your with your leg?

Oh, like Zena did for James Bond in that movie?

Yeah, that's what my blankets do to me.

That's Helixsleep.com slash Riddle. Of course on the pillow I write not a pillow. So when I kiss it it makes sense.

Naturally. You're pretty unique.

Helixsleep.com slash Riddle.

Well Adal, thank you for showing me that broken poo. We got that fixed though.

Okay, we're back. We're going to finish these.

What a romantic episode.

Oh wait, hold on.

I have a question for everybody. Yeah. Is it a romance question? It's a romance question. I was going to ask this at the beginning, but I was That couldn't be fucking bothered, I guess. What was everyone's first kiss experience like?

I was dating this guy named Aaron, A-A-R-O-N. And I was in eighth grade, seventh grade. And I think we had been AIMing and he was like, and I was like, we like had been talking about kissing for a while and we had a like a dance we were going to.

What was the discussion, what were the talks about kissing?

Like, hey, like, do you... Do you want to do Kissy? Do you want to kiss me?

And then I... Hold on, wait, but was there more than, do you want to kiss me?

I think we just, like, discussed it. We were like, we'll probably kiss soon. But then we were at this dance and I went, I don't believe you like me, so you're gonna have to find a way to prove it. So I got him all stressed out for two hours at this dance and then the lights turned on to go and he panicked and he, like, kissed me and missed and kissed me on the cheek and on the steps in front of everyone I went, you missed! That was a bully. And then the next day he met up with me and we went for a walk and he kissed me.

For like a pharrell kiss. Like a pharrell kiss. A pharrell kiss? So you wore like a big hat.

And then my sister saw him recently and was like, how do I know you? No, I know you from something. Your sister bullied me. You don't know me from anything.

My first, um, like, I mean I've, like, picked, like, a bird when I was, I picked a bird. Picked a bird, picked a dog, picked a squirrel, picked a pack of peppers. My first, like, make out kiss was Deborah DeVries and we were watching the movie Anaconda in theaters. And KG what will be our name? We'll be Anaconda right? We can't worry about watching the movie Anaconda. And it was this similar thing of like as the movie ended and the credits came up and the lights came up, that's when I was like that's how we're gonna kiss. And so we were like making out in the movie theaters as people were filing out of Anaconda. It was not a great look.

First kiss for me was the summer after 8th grade. So this past summer? And it was a doll that looked like Pope Burnham. He did so well. I had to give him a little thank you. It was in my dining room when the lights were... My dining room? My dining room. The lights were off, it was with Rachel Peacock and... If you haven't kissed somebody, don't make up names. It was a very brief kiss. And then people were like, hey, where are those two? And then I was like, oh, they're coming. And that was the end of that. But I do also want to share that when I was in high school, I got cast in this play with this girl named Amanda who I had a huge... What was the play? It was this like rookie show, it was called Varney the Vampire, so I don't even know if it's a real play. What was your role? Varney the Vampire. But it was the rookie show.

Can we get one of Varney's lines?

This play sucks! Like it was just like me in a vampire voice, like being a vampire, it was a comedy. But it was, I was a sophomore and the rookie play was for people who hadn't been cast like in anything yet, you were eligible, so I got the lead in it. And then Amanda was in this, she was like super cute and I had a crush on her and she was like the romantic like opposite to me. And there was a scene where I was supposed to like, supposed to bite her on the neck, but instead I was, it was like you're I was dipping her down to bite her on the neck, but instead it was a kiss. And we like, they were like, all right, let's run that scene. And I was like, oh, that was very nervous and awkward. And they were like, yeah, like, obviously it's like, there's like a kiss. So like you two just go practice. The guy who was directing it was Ben and he was like a friend of mine. And I think he was like trying to set me up, but he was like, just go practice this kiss. And so me and Amanda went into the dark theater to practice this kiss. And I was like, we're talking. She's like, yeah, let's just do like a kiss. And I was like, okay. And so I dipped her down, but the theater is completely dark. So I have lost her face in the darkness and now I'm like she's dipped and I'm like panicking because I'm like I don't know where she is I'm gonna take my best guess so I go down to kiss and then I just hear her laughing because I have I've gotten nowhere near her mouth I'm like on like her like chin or neck and she just starts laughing so I drop her no oh boy no it was it was it was terribly embarrassing but For whatever reason, she turned to that kiss and just took a straight up make-out kiss, which was very inappropriate. Our principal saw that show and he was like, this is terrible. And her boyfriend was front-row center for the two nights that we did the show. Of course she had a boyfriend. She was gorgeous. And he never said anything to me about it.

Thanks for watching!

I heard diabetes palm, I know that's not what you said. We'll go both of them.

You know those famous diabetes palms? Please, insulin.

There's a ten year point in history in poetry.

When your blood sugar gets low, you gotta go a little slow. You're diabetes.

Diabritus. How would you either propose to someone, how would you like to propose to someone or how would you like to be proposed to?

That's a great question.

Stage A murder. A ring perched on top of a shark.

Does anyone have some sort of fantasy proposal thing? I don't think I've ever thought of that.

My only thing is I would have, I think, a meltdown if it was public. Like if it was in front of a bunch of people. Yeah, I would freak out. Although that would be kind of cool.

Freak out because you're embarrassed or freak out?

Yeah, I think I'd be embarrassed and that kind of attention would make me anxious.

I have friends that are now married, Alex Nichols and Emily Williams, but they met in Level 1 class at I.O. and when the old I.O. was closing down, he thought up an excuse to like, well we have to go to the classroom, I have to pick up something and I left my bag there, and they went to the classroom where they first met and then he proposed in that classroom. Hey Riddle.

But I was there with my mom and my sister. But not because of the story, right? No, because of the story. So it's like me and my mom, my sister, maybe somebody else, but we were in a flat top grill, it was very busy, and at some point this guy, it's one, it's like where you put all your protein and veggies in bowls with sticks and then they cook it for you and bring it out to you. So it's almost like, it's like kind of Pan Asian cuisine almost.

But it's very Korean barbecue adjacent.

Exactly, yep, or Mongolian barbecue. So it's like 100 people in this place, it's packed, and at some point this guy just gets up and goes to like the middle of the restaurant and just shouts over everyone, can I have your attention please? And all of our bodies are like starting to like, our heckles are being raised because we thought he was gonna like pull out a gun. Yeah. But he goes, may I have your attention please? Five years ago. Oh no. I met a woman here on her first date and everyone like immediately like in one motion all the heads in the room turn to where he's pointing and it's this poor woman in a booth who's like covering her face and like slightly shaking her head and with her eyes being like don't please do not propose to me in a flat-top grill so I feel like a special place is good but also like yeah

Thanks for watching!

Wait, which one? By the way you're saying our friends, I also know so many well leads.

No, well lead. The guy we know and love. The week before he proposed to his now wife, he called me and was like, I know that you would love something like this. Do you want to help set up my proposal for me? So I went down to the lake in Chicago, and they had a spot they love to go, and I put down a picnic blanket for them. Yeah, a picnic basket. But they wanted me to light candles, but it was by the lake, so I've never been more anxious in my life just frantically rewriting these candles and being like, ugh!

Hey Riddle.

But that was my favorite proposal.

I helped someone propose in a bar in Indianapolis during Comedy Sports World Championships and then four years later when they were singing the song Hey Soul Sister by Train. It was a thing where my friend was like hey this guy's gonna propose he wants to get everyone on this bar to sing Hey Soul Sister. I was like, I don't know that song, but we still went down and did it. And then like four years later when I moved to Chicago, I was on a team with that woman, like an improv team. And I was like, I helped your husband propose to you.

Oh, can people tweet us their proposal stories?

Yes. Oh, wait, no, they can't. Twitter has rules against love.

Hey Riddle. Uh, proposal brag.

Hashtag, uh, say yes to the riddle.

Say yes to the riddle. Um, are you ready?

Yes.

Um, this is another tagline. We're almost done. Or no, another line from a movie. Um, and you're going to tell me the movie. Are you ready? Yes. You're late. You're stunning. You're forgiven.

You're late. You're stunning. You're forgiven. Uh, Encino man.

Encino man!

Yeah, he's late because he's a caveman.

Pretty woman.

Fuck.

If you're a bird, I'm a bird.

Forrest Gump.

Nope.

Oh, wait. Say I'm a bird. Notebook.

Yep. Yes. Say I'm a bird. That's what she says. And then you shot up, you were not a bird.

We saw the notebook and the creative writing class in high school, and he was like, say I'm a bird. And we were like all bunch of douchebag kids in that class, and we just started saying like, say I'm a bird, say I'm a bird. And our teacher was like, if you're not going to take this seriously, we'll stop watching the movie.

If you're not going to take the notebook seriously.

She also ran out of the room crying because a Creed song played once, and we were like, what the fuck? But it turns out I had played at their dad's funeral.

A Creed song? As you wish.

Oh, Princess Bride?

Yep. You had me at hello. I hate the way you talk to me, the way you cut your hair, I hate the way you drive my car, I hate it when you stare. Nevermind, I don't have to finish that.

I've seen that movie one million times.

I love at the end of that movie, I think it's this movie, they go play quote unquote paintball, but it's just them and overalls throwing sponges full of paint. Yeah, throwing balls and paint.

It looks fun as hell.

Mike, what do you think paintball is?

It's not that. It's certainly not that. That's sponge throw. I love the end of 10 things I hate about you, the very, very end where Batman's got him hanging upside down and he's like, kill me! And he's like, I'm not gonna kill you.

You know when Ted thinks I hate about you when he goes, you want to know how I got these scars?

You know when Ted thinks I hate about you when he's jousting in that tournament and Alan Tudyk's like, it's called a lunch.

I love that movie. And you can hit me all night because you punch like a one. I know! Where to miss to the stars?

Where to miss to the stars?

Driving Miss Daisy in space. I wanted it to be you. I wanted it to be you so badly.

You've got mail.

Yep. I love you, but you don't know what you're talking about.

My girlfriend. She says that to me a lot. I love you, but you don't know what you're talking about.

I love you, but you don't know what you're talking about.

Oh my god, look who's talking to.

Moonrise Kingdom. Oh.

I knew I'd never be able to remember what Nina wore that day, but I also know I'd never forget the way she looked.

Finding Nina.

Finding Nina.

What does that mean? I knew I'd never be able to remember what she wore that day.

Because it... But I also knew I'd never forget the way she looked. Like you don't remember the dress but you know that she looked beautiful.

God's Sub-Lanka, 23 dresses. 23 dresses!

Which is the prequel to 27 dresses. 27 dresses, 26 dresses, 24? It's the father of the bride. You have bewitched me body and soul. And I love, I love, I love you. I wish, I never wished to be parted from you from this day on.

Twilight, new moon breaking saga.

This will be the movie I masturbate to Pride and Prejudice!

Oh boy.

I don't.

You little darcy. I don't, I masturbate to Sense and Sensibility.

Yeah, oh no, snooze. Cool. Good?

Cool and good? Cool and good?

Can we do a regular riddle and then we'll... Yes, we can do one regular one. I am reading you this riddle because I laughed out loud at the answer. Keep your expectations way lower than normal everybody. The rich landlord wants to marry the beautiful farmer's daughter. He tells the daughter that if she doesn't marry him, he will evict her father from the farm and they will be homeless. She begs for mercy. Slightly the landlord agrees to allow her one chance to stay. He pulls a bag from his pocket and reaches down and picks up two stones from the rocky path, then places them in the bag. Reach into the bag and pull out one stone. If you pull out the black stone, you will agree to marry me. If you pull out the white stone, you and your father can live here rent free. The problem is that she knows that he picked up two black stones, and no matter which one she selects, she will be forced to marry him. What can she do to avoid marrying the greedy landlord?

You use the hand that has paint in it, grab the black rock, paint it white. I see a black rock and I want it painted white.

So the thing is, he says grab a stone, but there are only black stones in there?

Yeah.

She could pull out his stones, his balls.

Nice.

Yeah.

Good fun.

Rip his frickin' balls off. Can she pull out both to show you's cheating?

What? Can she pull out both to show you's cheating? That's a good guess.

So what, is this like a, it has to be a jokey answer because she left.

Just made her laugh. Follow the, um, I... Follow the money. Like, trying to prove he's cheating.

Um, talked to his wife. Well, no.

Okay.

What was the thing you said about cum sandwich that was so funny? What was that?

It was just a, I'll have the cub sandwich. I'll have what she's coming.

I love that so much.

Can you read the part from him putting the stones in the bag? Not all the preamble about the fucking dad in his so sad form.

If you pull out the white stone, you and your father can live here rent free. He pulls a bag from his pocket and reaches down and picks up two stones from the rocky path, then places them in the bag. Reach into the bag and pull out one stone. If you pull out the black stone, you will agree to marry me. If you pull out the white stone, you and your father can live here rent free. The problem is she knows that he picked up two black stones and no matter which one she selects, she will be forced to marry him. What can she do to avoid marrying the greedy landlord?

Cut the bottom of the bag. Let the stones fall out. Be like, what's this shit, bitch? These fucking sounds is all black.

What's this shit, bitch?

Uh, God.

So to prove he's a cheater is the... Yeah.

So what can she do to avoid marrying... Oh, marry her father. Oh! She marries her father, she's already married.

Yup, that's the answer.

Double jeopardy, she can't get married. And that made you laugh at him? And that made you Jupiter.

Give us a hint.

Give us a hint.

Give us a hint. Give us a hint. Please, sir.

Give us a hint. They are standing on a rocky path.

Oh, just go grab a white stone from the path.

No.

Damn it!

Damn it, Erin! Damn it!

Throw herself down the path.

Rocky... Oh, if she picks up a white stone in her hand, reaches inside the bag, and then pulls that white stone out?

No.

But that would work!

That would work. Are we ready for an answer?

Yes.

If you're standing on a rocky path, she reaches into the bag, pulls out one of the black stones, and then pretending to be clumsy drops it on the rocky path. Oh my, she exclaims, I dropped it, but whichever color stone is still in the bag will tell us which color stone I dropped.

Clever girl. Clever girl. Oh, and she's a velociraptor? Yeah.

So I want to see a scene with the two of you. Adal, you are this landlord who thinks that you are really about to trick someone. And JBC, you are this woman, and she is taking classes at the community center and acting. So she's really taking this moment.

She's really taking what?

Pretending to drop the stone. Like really, like she's really taking advantage of it.

I've devised a way to tell if the fates should see it that we be together or be apart. Now I've put two different types of candy in this bag. If you pull out a Werther's Original, why you're my gal, we get married and live all the long day. If you pull out a Reese's then Then I'll never show up at your doorstep again. Okay.

I will accept your offer, but the only place that I will select a piece of candy from this bag is in the candy store with the candy floor. Otherwise, this doesn't actually fucking work. Sorry? I'm sorry?

Would you mind if we had to go to the candy store? The candy store is about 37 minutes from here. Why would I... Walking?

Welcome to my candy store.

How can I help you? Oh, you're confused.

This is the front porch of the woman I love.

Oh, I'm sorry. I hit my head real bad.

This is my father, an elderly man who loves me very much, and you are his landlord. But my father also has a little candy store inside. Won't you come in? Fine. Let's go to the candy store in the back room here. So the Werthers and I marry you and the Reese's? You marry me. Wait, hold on. There's the rules.

Okay, okay. And can I just say before you make your selection, life with me would be pretty good. I've been known to cook up a common sandwich now and again if you catch my drift. You're just choking on the candy.

Welcome to my candy store. Thanks, oh god, I don't know.

Take a hand and put it in there and pull out a piece of candy. Little does she know that I've put two Werthers in here.

We can hear you.

Okay.

No hand in the bag, searching around. No way to differentiate between the two shapes of withers and a Reese's.

Little does she know I've cut a hole in the bottom of the bag and put my penis in there.

Don't really feel anything in here.

Little does she know my penis is very tiny. So instead of a sort of listener email that we would normally read, what I like to do is read something that I received. I went to PodCon recently in Seattle, which was incredible, and during one of the panels I met someone who was a big Hey Riddle Riddle fan, and she gave me a slip of paper. How big is the piece of paper? It's about eight and a half by eleven.

Wow! Wow, that's not bad.

It's a big fan. And it has her number on it, and I wanted to brag. And it has, it's her daughter on this piece of paper. Her daughter wrote down some jokes and some riddles, so I'm going to read one riddle. What's her daughter's name? Her daughter is Avi, I believe. Avi, is that Avi? Avi? Avi? Avi, Maria. Her name is Avi, I guess, and the mother is Kathy. And she was just so delightful, and I thought... Oh, like the cartoon? So here, first I will read one of the riddles here. These are called Grimmer Riddles, and this is written in child's handwriting. Which is nothing bad, just hard to read. What begins but has no end and is the ending of beginnings? What begins but has no end and is the end of beginnings?

S. S?

Nope. It's not a sign letter. You're getting closer. What begins but has no end and is the end

The moon of all beginnings. Shut up.

What begins but has no end? And is the ending of all beginnings.

A story.

Yeah, it actually says here a story said in a British accent.

A story. A story. A story. A book then? An adventure is afoot. Here we go.

Also, she at the bottom of the page drew Riddikitty taking a shit and it says a rainbow poop.

Oh!

But it's drawn in just pencil so there's no color. This is outstanding.

Uh, what begins but has no end?

and is the ending of All Beginnings. Think about... Death. Yep, that's what it is. Death. Very good one. And then Abi, or Abi, also has on the other side of the sheet of paper... Wow, a little kid doing a riddle about death. It said Grimmer Riddle. I mean, she prepared us. On the other side it says these are kiddles. Or maybe not. No, I'm reading that wrong. These are jokes. I have to assume these are originals. So here's my favorite of the three jokes she wrote down. Two people were going to Disneyland. There was a sign and it said Disneyland Left. So they went home and cried into their pillows.

Oh! Say that again.

This is my new favorite joke. Two people were going to Disneyland. There was a sign and it said Disneyland Left. So they went home and cried into their pillows.

That's such a specific way.

This is going to be my first set too. My first set too is going to be a billboard that says Disneyland left.

Oh man, that's wonderful. Thank you Kathy and Avi.

Avi Avi, she told me how to say her name and I forgot because that was a long weekend. Also at PodCon I met so many Hey Riddle Riddle fans. There was a lot of people... What were their names?

Did anyone mention me specifically?

Kathy Avi. Several people mentioned you specifically.

Like what?

Somebody gave me a pen and they said here's a pen for Erin to drink. I wish you would drink a pen. And can I just say that people around me were wildly confused. Yeah, I met a lot of fans. I met a lot of people who were wearing our merch. And on Magic Tavern we had Demi Lovato on as our guest. Demi Adajweebe from Punch Up the Jams, which is an awesome show. And he saw my shirt and was like, what is that? I keep seeing that shirt everywhere. And I'm like, It's just a cool thing. So I think we should do a con sometime. Okay. Not a convention. I think we should rob a bank. We should do a con job. I will ruin it. We should do a fire festival.

I will blow it completely. I will not help. I'll panic.

Who do we want to

Want to give my love to you? I kind of have to pull them up because... Let me pull this up.

Mom and Dad.

Let's see.

I want to give love to a Patreon subscriber by the name of Justin McElroy. Justin was very kind to subscribe to our Patreon. So if you're listening, Justin, thank you so much.

I would love to give my love to two of my favorite Patreon subscribers, Mary Beth Keif and Vicky Stewart. Those are both of our moms.

My mom signed up and then went, I can't figure out how to listen to the episode. And I called my sister and I was like, can you help her? And she's like, I don't know. So my mom hasn't heard anything.

I sent my mom the RSS link to listen to the episodes and they gave her specific instructions. So I was like, all right, so this is like an RSS link. You have to put it in your podcast app and then you'll be able to download the things. And she's like, the link won't work. The link is not the type of link that you think, but she got it working and she is a big fan of our episodes.

If you love someone for Valentine's Day, what better gift than to subscribe to our Patreon?

Than to get your mom a subscription to our Patreon.

Or get them some Hey Riddle Riddle merch. For jokes. Anything to plug, Adal?

Uh, I would like to plug love. Get out there, find love.

Plug your finger in it.

You're fine, you don't need it.

You're all good. Uh, anything real to plug Adal? Like fucking money or like your job or like jokes that you tell?

Disneyland Left. Please, whoever looked to your left, looked to your right, somebody out of the three of you doesn't know the Disneyland Left joke, so please tell it to both those people immediately. Yes. And we have to do something with Disneyland Left. That has to be, I don't know if we'll get sued by having a Disneyland, just the name?

No, no, no, we probably won't.

We're off there right now.

They're great. But we need to do something with that.

You can follow me on Twitter at GPsofly, you can follow me on Twitter if you're listening, follow me, and everything is alright, I'll be the one to talk to you at night. You can follow me on Instagram at sharkbarkman, Erin, what's up with you?

What is up with me? You can follow me, Erin Keif 10, on Instagram. I will talk about my shows there and you can see pictures of my niece who's getting cuter every day. My knees? They're getting cuter and cuter every day.

I love your knee photos. Ew!

And then Erin Keif 2 on Twitter.

I don't want to tell you the specific type of love I have for your knee photos.

I laughed at that. Everything's okay.

What would the expectation be if you just started posting a bunch of pictures of only your knees?

Like, you know that's for freaks.

For Valentine's Day, can we, for Valentine's Day, on Instagram, the Hey Riddle Riddle official account? Yeah, I'll post a picture of my knees.

Yeah, you're welcome, you perse.

You're welcome, fucking perverts.

Do yourself a favor and go Google JPC Feet.

JPC Feet Age. Earlier we talked about JPC helping somebody propose in a bar set to a train song. Your favorite train song, of course, is drops of JUPITER. Bye forever.

Created by Adal Rifai. Starring Erin Keif and John Patrick Coan. JG Snyder did the editing. That was a hate gun podcast.