Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Hello, everyone. This is JPC. If you are hearing this message, then it worked. I have managed to get this message to KJ, our audio engineer, and they have managed to put it in our episode. If you can hear this, please I need your help. I am trapped inside the Hey Riddle Riddle Patreon. I don't know how it happened. I was on the Patreon page. I was configuring some options. I think I opened some sort of vortex or wormhole and I have been sucked inside. Adal and Erin are not here. It's so great to have peace and quiet, but I'm scared and I miss them so much. You can help get me out. Just go to Patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle. I don't know where I am in the page, but if you join the Clue Crew for $5 a month, You can unlock all of our bonus episodes. Our first live episode is already live and posted there. I may be in the live episode. So please go to patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle. Click the link. Sign up. Try your best to get me out. I'm so scared. There's lots of really kiddies and kids Riddle in here. And please, please help. Oh no. They're coming for me. Please hurry. The doctor was the lover. He stood on a block of light and said, Oh, look, then we're going to finish. It was the cabin of an airplane.

He stabbed him with the knife and ran. Adal Rifai, Erin Keif, and John Patrick Coan on the episode "#27, Kiss, Kiss, Riddle Riddle".

Ready or not, here we come. It's Hey Riddle Riddle.

I'm not ready. I'm not ready.

I'm Adal Rifai. I'm JPC.

And I'm Erin Keif. I didn't take a big enough breath. I'm Erin Keif.

You didn't take a big enough breath. I'm JPC and the P stands for P and the C stands for Con. Oh no. Oh no. Erin, how often in life do you not take a big enough breath?

Almost always.

And you're a trained singer, correct?

Yes.

And you're always running up and down stairs?

Yeah. And going, what's that thing where you dive under the sea?

The worm.

You dive under a sea?

The bends. Scuba diving.

Scuba diving. I, uh, yeah.

Do you know what SCUBA stands for? Yes. Secret control. Uber. Uber. Uber. I like secret control. Uber.

What does SCUBA stand for?

Self-contained underwater breathing apparatus, I believe. What don't you know? Do you guys know what NASA stands for? NASA stands for No Airplanes. Space. Space.

Alright.

Alright.

What if it did? What if it did for No Airplanes? Space. Alright. I want that t-shirt.

I want a space shuttle with Matthew McConaughey in the window. It says space. All right. All right.

I want no airplanes. Space? Question mark. All right.

All right. What's that called when it's a, is it an initialism when each letter of, no. Initialism? What's it called? Like scuba, like the word scuba. That's a word. Oh, I couldn't think of word. Acronym. Is it an acronym?

It's an acrobat.

It's an acrobat. There's acronyms and then there's like the acrostics. Or an acrostic. You know acrobat is an acrostic.

For what?

All right.

All of these have all right in them. Do we not know any other a-word?

That's the only one I know.

What show is this?

We've already said the name of the show. I did the thing about me and being pee and cum. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's Hey Riddle Riddle. Still? Should we do another intro? Yeah, should we do another show? Yeah, let's do one more for the different show.

Oh, let's do a reply all. Okay, cool.

So let's do an intro for a more popular podcast. If they want to use it, let them use it.

Let's do a reply some. Ah, this is the daily on, Michael, blah, blah, blah. Michael, blah, blah, blah. Erin, what's your favorite podcast?

Oh, am I supposed to say Hey Riddle Riddle? Because that was not my first instinct.

What's your favorite podcast?

Not Hey Riddle Riddle. I can't listen to it because I find myself to be shrill. I'm kidding.

Don't ever call a woman that. No, hold on. I have to step in. What you just heard was JPC using a voice modulator.

Yes, guilty as charged. And I would have gotten away with it too if it hadn't been for you kids and your dog, Erin Keif, your shrill dog.

I like a lot of podcasts. I love my favorite, Murder, but sometimes I have to stop listening to that because I get spooked. And then I love this podcast called We Knows Parenting. And it's just two parents talking about their kids. It's very warm and gentle for my ears. JBC, what's your favorite podcast?

This is not like a plug because everybody already knows about this podcast. If you're listening to this podcast, you know about the concept of podcasts. But I just listened to the third season of Serial, which came out not too long ago. Probably at this point it came out a long time ago. But it was great. I mean, it was horribly depressing and very sad. But it's about the criminal justice system, like the court system, a year in... Cleveland or Columbus are one of those Ohio cities that starts with a C. There's like 15 of them, including Akron. But it's, it was great. I really enjoyed it. Adal, what about you? Don't say hello from the Medutator. Don't say siblings, peculiar or whatever.

I like, I mean, anything the Macaroys do, I like, I like, um, lore, welcome to night fail. And just three or four more. And just three or four more. Adal and I pop filter half the hours of fave. I listen to too many podcasts.

Is there anyone on a podcast where you feel like they're so familiar to you? Like you feel like you know them? I feel like there's some people who I'd freak out if- Yeah, JPC always thinks he knows me.

I listen to Adal on podcasts and I'm like, I feel like I know that guy. I get a lot of, so like when we do, if we do like a Magic Tavern live show and we do like a meet and greet afterwards, which we typically do, there will be a certain percentage of people who come up and they're all wonderfully nice, but there's a certain percentage of people who feel like they know us because they listen to us. So they will come up and just be like, hey, Adal, Matt, and Arnie, but they won't never introduce themselves. So we all take a moment where we're like, Do we know this guy? Or like, what's the deal? Or they'll come up and like, go up to Arnie and be like, hey, you tall fuckhead. And we're like, whoa, whoa, whoa. And they're like, no, like the podcast. And we're like, yeah, but you don't get to do that. So there's always like a weird over familiarity.

I give anyone permission to call JPC a tall fuckhead.

Yeah, I'm 5'11, so good luck motherfucker. Put your eyes on stilts. And I'm always on stilts.

I just feel like I'd freak out. There's something about podcasts, especially where I feel like I'd freak out the people who I've listened to because I'd meet them and I'd immediately feel like I'd know them.

If fans of this show ever approach you on the street, Erin, if they exist, what do you want them to do if they see you? There should be like a code word, right?

Yeah. Ooh, what code word?

Or like they give like a bird call or something?

No, you don't want people to be calling at you. You've got to be very, very careful here, Erin, because this could haunt you for the rest of your life.

First of all, I want them to bow. What if it's in the middle of the street? I want them to bow.

Supplicate yourself.

No, you can say watermelon because that's the fruit that JPC and Adal don't know.

Yeah. I think it's a Jupiter to you.

Jupiter?

Yeah. They can make you a scorpion and drink a pen. Yeah, they bring up paper.

They just go, hi Erin, I know you, you don't know me. And then I'll give you a hug and we'll talk for as long as you want.

Wow.

I wouldn't.

I would never say that I would hug someone. Of course, if people meet me and they're a big fan of my work, I will take your sibling on a date. I will pay for 25% of the date, but that is the extent that I will. The campaign podcast has been going on for like five years and there is a guy out there who has a, I would say, not insignificant portion of my skin. And he is crafting a duplicate of me.

What's a not significant portion?

Not insignificant portion of my skin. I would say he has 40-50% of the skin that I've left behind. And he's creating a golem to serve him.

And his name is Adal? What's his name?

No, golems are Jewish, and I am not Jewish. Historically non-Jewish, canonically non-Jewish. Also golem is Jewish. Oh, to me! Do you ever see that kind of lure of the rings? They made golem Jewish?

Oh God.

It got really dicey with the jewelry. Let's just hear a little bit of that, Adal. Let's hear a little bit of what you think, though. No, we will not. We will not be hearing that. But if we did, it would go a little silly to Adal and take it away. If I, and this is a sincere question, if I, how much would you two invest if I created a company called Hava Tequila? It's a tequila company. It's catering towards Jewish drinkers and it's called Hava Tequila.

If all the money was going to Jewish people and not you, Why would that be?

Whoa, Erin, do you think all the money is going to Jewish people? You think all the money is going to Jewish people? Dead! Not a good look for you, sweetie.

Oh my god, sweetie is the funniest thing to be called. My boyfriend and I have been trying out nicknames for each other. We'll see if I still have one when this comes out, who knows. We tried sweetie as a joke and we hated it, but I've been calling him my king as a joke because it's so gross, but now it's sort of sticking. Can I start calling him honey as a joke and now I just say it? But now I think I'm gonna continue with. Is my king cold?

Baby's also a slippery like trap because it's like easy to use but you could say it like once it's a joke and it's like that feels fine.

I called JPC king Ralph every once in a while.

Who's Old Man Puzzles?

I'm Old Man Puzzles and I guess we'll do some puzzles. And we'll also have several more anti-Semitic traps laced into this episode. My nightmare. Can you say that line again but say it as Admiral Ackbar? It's an anti-Semitic trap! Oh, I need, I need to... No, we don't. No, the world does not need that. No, I need that. Uh, hey Clue Crew. What's up? What do you throw out to use and take back in when you're done? Bath water! Throw out to use. The baby.

A sneeze. No.

What do you throw out to use and take back in when you're done? Baseball.

Trash can.

Baseball. It's not baseball.

Trash. Why not?

What? Trash?

I don't know. I don't like riddles.

What do you throw out to use? What do you throw out to use? Fishing hook. What do you throw out to use and take back in when you're done? Fishing line. Fishing hook line. I mean, you're correct. That's not the one that was written down.

Fishing line. Fishing hook. Fishing line.

It is fishing.

Net.

Net?

You throw it out to use and take it back when you're done? What do you throw out to use and take back in when you're done? I want to see a quick scene. The two of you are salty, salty, salty, fishy men. And you're on a boat. You haven't caught fish for a while and you start talking about baseball.

Carl, how's that side of the boat?

It's dry. It's all dry. I mean, literally there's water here, but no fish.

Same on this side of the boat.

Eddie, what are we doing out here?

I don't know. You know what I wish I was doing.

Visiting your wife's grave? Oh, it's a birthday after all. Oh, Eddie, Eddie, it's been 30 years.

I'm just trying to distract myself and you brought it up like it was nothing.

I didn't know, I didn't know. Look, why don't I turn this board around? We'll go back to shore where your wife's grave is and we'll visit. I'll say a few nice words. I'll say a few nice words.

Why would you say a few nice words? She's my wife.

She was your wife. She wasn't your- Stop real quick. Erin, what is she?

She was my wife.

She was my wife too. She wasn't what? That's right. We were married before you even met. And we were divorced. And when I saw her with you, Eddie, my old pal, I thought, let him have a shot at happiness. I never told you. Until now.

You lied to me. She lied to me.

Technically, it was a lie of admission.

That's the worst kind of lie, because you don't feel guilty for that kind of lie when you ought to.

I feel guilty now, and tell me what you want me to do. Kiss me.

What? What?

What'd you say?

Oh, okay, it's happening. Oh, I talked through that kiss. A classic mistake.

You know when you talk through a kiss? Oh yeah, I talk through that kiss.

Hey, do you mind if we talk through that kiss real quick?

Yeah, let's take that back and talk through that kiss.

Do some pointers on that kiss.

I do pointers when I kiss too. I do like two pointers in the eyes, one pointer in the butt.

I want to see one pointer in the butt. I made KJ laugh. I want to see a 30 second scene where it's the two of you, you're at a kiss concert, Erin you're talking through the kiss, and you're the members of fish. You're Trey Nastasio and Mike Gordon. Okay, I'll be Nastaggio and you'd be Gorbin or whatever.

Ooh. What a convoluted premise.

Yeah. Oh God, this concert's loud, but I'm gonna talk through it. I'm gonna talk through this. Hey bud, have we ever kissed? I can't remember. Have we ever kissed? I get so high at our concerts, their secondaries.

Has fish ever kissed at a fish concert? You know Trey, Nastabio, I don't think we have ever kissed.

Well, should we try kissing and kiss? Is that, I don't know, cliche? What's my name? Goobles.

Same. Goobles? You know two of the famous fish bandmates, Goobles and Gary? Goobles and Gary? I think I got it. I got it. Here we go. A Keaton stamp collector who specializes in U.S. stamps saw an advertisement offering a complete set of early U.S. stamp... P.S. I guess we're just getting into main riddles. What? Is this just a main riddle? I think so. If it's a main riddle, maybe you should get some lobster with that.

Oh, and if I tear muscled because I didn't warm up properly.

You don't tear mussels, you scoop them out and then you... Wow, this really is a main riddle. A Kean stamp collector who specializes in US stamps saw an advertisement offering a complete set of early US stamps for a fraction of what it was worth. He quickly bought it. Although it was a genuine splendid collection and a real bargain, he was angry, not pleased. What was going on?

The stamps were already on letters. Nope.

Damn it! They weren't actually American.

Oh yeah, they were the... No, it says the collection was genuine. It was a splendid collection, a real bargain.

And they were American stamps? Yeah. Not British stamps.

They'd already been licked. Look at me, they had already been lit.

Wow, big eyes. He bought a copy of Stamped, which is off-Broadway Stomp.

Stomp is off-Broadway.

Welcome everyone to Stamped. Thank you for your tickets. I want to let you know that Stamped is past tense. And it's just one guy with a broom. And he's legit cleaning. He's like, I'm sincerely the guy That's art baby, that's art.

Oh my god, Stamped is just tip cleaning and people are like, make noise! And he's like, no, no.

No, please. He starts to take out the trash and I'm like, yeah, that's the ticket.

And he's like, no, I really am taking out the uh... Are you really trying hard to get stamps.com to sponsor this show? So you're doing more stamp oriented things to break in additional content?

No, Stamped was two hours ago. This is Stamped. I cleaned up. And you bought tickets. And when I saw Stamped, it was at... Like really late, like in the deep afternoon on a Sunday and we had already been in New York.

The deep afternoon, like 9, 10 o'clock at night. You know, evening.

My drama club had already been.

Well, let's all be careful. We're getting into the deep afternoon.

My drama club had already been there for a weekend. Everyone was so tired. So people were falling asleep in the very warm stomp theater, then waking up with the jolt. You just saw like an audience, people nodding off and they'd be like, trash cans are being banged together.

Yeah, Stomp, I feel like it would be a bad show to nap during.

Oh yeah, the worst. Not a pleasant nap.

So Stamped is the past tense of Stomp. Blown Man Group?

Is that a fun show to see? Blown Man Group sounds like a dad's rights organization. Talk to a lawyer. She can't take your kids. She's got to put... Erin is under the table laughing. She's got to put marshmallows in her mouth.

Oh my god.

Why did I went through my nose?

One of our live shows, we have to do stamped and blown man group.

What does that mean?

Hi Riddle Riddle.

Yes.

I mean, it was good. It was good, but I would have rather had sex.

No way preferable to sex.

Oh, but if I mean, oh.

Oh my God, I actually can't breathe.

You are too... We can't do two scenes without you. Yes, we can.

You two are, you're like maybe 13, 14. Okay. You live in New York. Your parents got you your first Broadway tickets. It was for Blown Man Group. It's the deep afternoon, and you are talking about just coming from that show. And we're home, we're in New York alone, right? Or we're with our parents. You're home alone too. Gotcha.

Oh man. Times square is pretty overwhelming, huh? Where should we eat? Can we talk about what just happened there? I can't. I can't. I don't think Mom and Dad... Can we talk about what just happened there?

Mom and Dad sent us to that thing.

Yeah, they were misguided, they were confused.

They must have known. They must have wanted us to know.

No, no.

Is this about what we did?

Hold on, just, I'm gonna throw up in this.

Because I think that one of us is adopted and that's why it was okay. You promised, you promised you'd never mention that again. Hey, you just threw up on my baby.

Oh sorry, I thought your baby was a trash can man.

That's fine, it's New York, bye.

You promised you would never talk about that.

Look, okay, what we did was wrong, it was against God, okay?

You know what, I would have rather had sex. What? Than what we did.

Hold on, what did you think we did?

Oh, what do you think we did?

We'll both say it on the count of three. One, two, three. We learned to jump rope.

What? What'd you say?

When we were learning to jump rope, we were hanging our uncle. I just told you it was jump rope because it's a game and I'm 14 and you're 13.

Who gave those blue men blow jobs? Who gave them blow jobs? Is everything blue?

We have to go backstage and ask. It's the only, we have to go backstage and ask. Excuse me, sir? Yes. You're one of the blown men, correct? That's correct. I'm sorry, are you crying? You're so good. What was so good? The blowjob? The show is over. Oh no, but the blowjob was so good.

Sir, we got some questions.

Yeah. We're two kids from New York. We're home alone too. Oh. And we just want to know that two and a half hour show that we saw on stage where you were all dissecting in vivid detail the blowjobs you just received. Was it real?

What do you mean? Or was it acting? No, we got blown. Wow. Did you see those three people who walked out with blue all over their lips? Yeah.

Wait. We were hoping that you'd have some acting tips because we're having to act at home right now like we didn't do a bad thing.

Weedland had a jump rope. Oh. You killed our uncle.

You killed our uncle.

What? Uncle Vanya?

We killed our uncle.

Dus. But not yet. Uncle Vanya.

Good job getting blown.

Zayden! We need to create our own line of cards, like greeting cards, and one of them just needs to be good job getting blown.

Oh, what a romantic card. Hey, you came up with it. I know, I'm just saying.

You'll get 35 cents on every dollar. Also, Spencer's gift would sell a good job getting blown card. Easy, easy, easy.

I hope to always get that card, but never give it. High fives.

High fives. High fives. High fives. Got blown. Take five. Okay, is there an answer to this, Riddle? Yes.

I don't remember the riddle. Here we go. A stamp collector who specializes in U.S. stamps saw an advertisement offering a complete set of early U.S. stamps for a fraction of what it was worth. He quickly bought it, and although it was a genuine splendid collection and a real bargain, he was angry, not pleased. So after he got the collection, he was very upset.

It's not U.S. stamps, it's stamps for us magazine.

Correct. So it stamps from Us Magazine. It's also stamps from This Is Us. Yes.

So he got a full set of This Is Us stamps, which is not what he wanted. He wanted state stamps.

I don't know. I give up.

Can you give a hint, maybe? A hint is... Were the stamps worthless? What was it? Were the stamps that he got worthless?

All stamps are worthless.

That's true. No, the stamps were... It says, it's a splendid collection and a real bargain. So they were very valuable. Fuck. Did he already have him? There you go. He did? He already? But I need a full, I need you to back that up. Okay.

He was a stamp collector of US stamps. He got a full, it was a full collection?

Mm-hmm. He got it for a fraction of what it was worth.

Uh, I don't, I have no idea.

I don't know, I'm sorry.

Yeah. What's the answer? I have no idea. The man had recently left his wife to live with his mistress. The angry wife had advertised the man's prize stamp collection for sale. He quickly bought his own stamps to stop anyone else from doing so. Wow. Okay. So he bought his own stamps. He already had these stamps. I would like to see a scene. Sponsored by stamps.com.

Yes. Um, JPC, you are opening a box of stamps. You are the mistress, Adal.

Wait, wait, wait. I'm the mistress.

You're the man opening the stamps. You're the mistress. You're also there.

Unbelievable. Oh my god. What is it? These are the stamps from Henrietta. Oh. Yeah.

Mikey.

Yeah. You know what she did? What? She put them all together in one big stamp. Are you familiar with the concept of pogs?

Those are those new creatures in the new Star Wars.

No, those are porgs. Yeah, those are little penguins.

What? No. Bethany, those are porgs. No, porgs are the things in Star Trek where they kind of replicate you, but they have like a metal eye.

You're such a nerd. You drive me crazy. I love you. I love you so much. I love you. Are you familiar with the concept of pogs? Blow me. I'll give you a greeting card later. Henrietta. Henrietta stamped all my stamps together. I don't want this slide. I'm going to give her a piece of my mind. I'm going to call her.

Wait, wait, wait, Mikey. I think I know what this is. Did you know that the word stamp or stamps, did you know that that's an acrostic? Yeah, for what? Somebody tell anybody.

My pussy. Oh, yeah. All right. I guess this is happening. Let me just go ahead.

Ring, ring, ring, ring.

I talked through that. Sorry. It's Henrietta. Hold on. I know it's her. Hello? This is Mikey.

Oh, is this asshole?

No, it's Mikey, Henrietta. It's Mikey.

Oh, this sounds like a, like a butthole to me.

You pogged my stamps.

Oh, did I pog your stamp?

You pogged my stamps.

I didn't Star Wars animal your stamps. The ones with the big eyes that are so cute with the big eyes.

Those are porgs. I hope you end up in this lamb.

I hope you end up in hell.

Turn me on so much.

I'm going to talk through this kiss. You like that? You like when I talk through kisses?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Bye.

Did you know that kiss is an acronym?

Shut up, baby.

Nice and sweet. The perfect crime. The perfect crime. Talking through a kiss. Well, let's take a quick break and reflect on the first half of the show.

Okay, and we're all gonna write our personal essays about what this first half of the show meant to us. What does it do?

By the end of this break?

Yeah. What?

What's that? You're gonna cheat on JPC?

I'm gonna cheat on Adal. I'm gonna cheat on JPC and then off of Adal.

Cheating on someone other than cheating off of someone would be the ultimate cheat. No, no, no. You ever watch a good place? Cheaties, the ultimate cheat.

Oh, yeah.

Hashtag Cheaty Meaty. And we'll be back in a second.

Be back. Hey, Erin. You're a pretty unique person, would you agree?

Yeah, I'm pretty and unique.

You're unique.

Okay.

Or are you nitty? Yeah. What do you sleep on?

Um, sometimes it's just like a bunch of newspapers stacked on top of each other of like when I've been in the news. Um, and sometimes it's JPC. That's a pretty thin amount of newspapers.

Oh, okay, yeah.

Local girl falls downstairs.

What? I said local girl falls downstairs. Does it on purpose, goes to jail. Well, Erin, because of your unique, uh, pretty makeup, I don't know how to phrase this, you should be sleeping on the Helix mattress that JPC and I got you.

Yeah. I mean, we know that sometimes people have been like, don't sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, but they mean don't side sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, don't hot sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle. Because we know that everybody sleeps different. Well, the Helix Sleep Mattress is designed for people who sleep in a variety of different ways.

And you can take a quiz. And it's not the type of quiz that you can fail, so don't worry about that. I worry about that. But it's just a quiz to get to know what kind of sleeper you are.

You took the Helix Sleep quiz, Erin, and you got a don't sleep, right?

The first F ever.

You can find that quiz at helixsleep.com slash riddle. It only takes two minutes and it's going to match your specific makeup to a mattress that's right for you.

Yeah, that's why they call it Helix Sleep, because it relies on double helix, so you just enter your DNA into the quiz, and then it tells you what kind of mattress is your soulmate, basically.

And it tells you what kind of mattresses your ancestors slept on. I mean, you'll see that in your dreams.

Yeah, that'll be something that, they don't promise that, but that is something that comes in most people's dreams.

And they have a 10-year warranty, and you get to try it for 100 nights risk-free.

They have a 10-year warranty? There is a little loophole here because they say 100 nights, but you also get the 100 days as well. So you can sleep at the mattress 24 hours a day for 100 days.

And for me specifically, for Adal Rifai, those are Arabian days and Arabian nights.

That's not something any of the rest of us feel comfortable saying.

And if you sleep next to a partner, half the mattress can be for you, and the other half, the mattress can be for your partner.

Or, you know, you can do three quarters. Just with sprawl, with arms and legs. But right now, Helix is offering up to $125 off all mattress orders. That's $125 off. To get your $125 off at helixsleep.com slash riddle. That's helixsleep.com slash riddle for up to $125 off your mattress order. Don't sleep on this deal. That's not theirs, that's mine.

I guess the way I sleep is I clutch a pillow and I kiss it.

Yeah. I do the same thing, but the pillows in between my legs.

How I sleep is, you know, when you get someone in that like choke hold, um, like with your, with your leg.

Oh, like Zena did for James Bond in that movie.

Yeah. That's what my blankets do to me.

That's helixsleep.com slash riddle. Of course on the pillow, I write not a pillow. So when I kiss it, it makes sense.

Naturally. You're pretty unique.

Helixsleep.com slash Riddle. And we are back. We kissed through that whole break. And we're going to start with JPC's essay.

Yes, okay.

Who do you think is the best kisser of the three of us?

What's that? It can't be me. I would never bet on myself in a kissing contest. I wouldn't.

I mean either.

You would bet on me?

I wouldn't bet on you. Or me. Or Adal.

I have very nice lips, but I'm a terrible kisser. Yeah.

I got great lips. I just do not know where to put them. I just blow it up. You blow air?

Yeah, kissing me is like kissing like a tire valve.

The easiest way to do this, the easiest non partial way to do this, non partial, impartial, the easiest impartial way to do this is to set up a simple survey using SurveyMonkey of all of our exes, collect the data, publish the data. I think the people are screaming, they are clambering in the streets for the data. We have to let the data speak for itself.

Well, it's a little bit complicated because JPC and I have the same exes.

Yes.

And they all live in Texas.

How about we do this?

The next live show we have, we set up a John Wilkes kissing booth. I would love to take a shot. Okay. Let's get back into some riddies. Oh, good. The show. Yeah. Here we go. Luigi's is an excellent restaurant with a fine reputation. Okay. However, one day all the people who had lunch there were sick. There was nothing wrong with the food. What happened?

If someone doesn't wash their hands properly, they can contaminate all the food. So there's nothing wrong with the food, but poop particles get into the food.

It's the water. Something's wrong with the water. Something's wrong with the cleaning products they've used. Something's wrong with the building.

Is there anything wrong with the things that they use to cook the food? The people. What? The people that used to cook the food.

The food is people. The food is actually, they've been cooking people.

Yeah, there's nothing wrong with the food because they're people.

Ain't nothing wrong with eating people. I'm just a riddle book advocating for something weird. Luigi's, so everyone who eats, they get sick.

Uh, that day, yes. But there's that day. Well, yeah. So, uh... Not that night. So all the people that ate there that night... Everyone who had lunch there was sick. There was nothing wrong with the food. What about the deep, deep afternoon? Deep afternoon? We're talking like 10 p.m.? 10 p.m., 10 p.m. You know, there's pre-afternoon, afternoon, and the deep afternoon.

The deep afternoon.

Pre-afternoon can still get you pregnant.

Uh... So we don't know... We don't know... Hmm. This is tough.

Did I get close with any of my hundreds of guesses?

No.

Really? Seriously?

I don't know. Adal, you have to tell me. Did I get close with any of my guesses? Did he get a quarter with his arms folded across his chest like a box of the child?

You stubborn little kid, did I get it? No. Did I get it? No. Did I get it?

Yeah. I got it? No.

Oh.

Did he close? I want to see a scene. No!

You take two more big bites of broccoli before you get a scene.

No, that's you're faking it.

And you were talking to the kids.

No, that's not broccoli. Here comes the airplane.

That's broccolini.

Here comes the airplane and that's unrelated and it's crashing into your mouth.

I want to see a scene in GPC. You're going to be Luigi, but the Mario character. He's a Luigi character. What's up? He doesn't tie to his brother's identity. Well, they're the Mario brothers, so their last name is Mario. Yes, canonically. There's Luigi Mario and Mario Mario. That's correct, right? Yeah, for the movie, yeah. That sucks. Then Mario Mario and Luigi Mario. And Erin, you can have your pick of anyone in the Mario universe. Who do you want to be?

I'm not good at any of the voices.

Um, I need you to pick.

Yoshi.

Okay, here we go. And you're in a restaurant. You're opening a restaurant. Opening a restaurant. You're opening a restaurant first day and you're nervous.

Yoshi! What do you mean a Yoshi? I told you to make chicken picate. Yoshi? Yoshi! Look at all this chicken picate! It's all unassembled!

Yoshi! Yoshi!

Yoshi! Yoshi!

Yoshi!

Yoshi! Yoshi! Yoshi! Yoshi!

Yoshi!

Yoshi! Yoshi! Yoshi! Yoshi!

Yoshi!

Yoshi! Yoshi? What? Yoshi? You're in the afternoon off. Yoshi. You go donate a plasma. Yoshi. What? Okay fine, Yoshi.

You take the afternoon off and you think about what you do. And we got to a blood donation clinic.

Yoshi!

Uh, don't be too happy. I have your test results back.

Yoshi.

Well, no, it's not good. We took your plasma and we ran some tests. I'm sorry?

Yoshi?

My wife?

Yoshi.

Don't eat.

Yeah, I see.

You're a dinosaur and a coward.

Yoshi, Yoshi, Yoshi, Yoshi, Yoshi, Yoshi.

You have bone cancer.

Yoshi?

What was that?

Yoshi?

No, incurable.

Yoshi?

Oh?

Yoshi. Yoshi, Yoshi, Yoshi, Yoshi, Yoshi.

A small penis. No! No, I have a quite large penis. Yoshi, Yoshi. I give my wife deep afternoon.

Yoshi.

We're still going to take your plasma, but we're going to just dump it into the ocean to make an example out of you.

Yoshi! You just laid an egg. I did.

I need you to consult with my co-doctor here, Waluigi. Wow!

This is a baby!

Sorry, let me remove this baby. Waluigi, would you come in here? Yes, absolutely. I think the course of chemotherapy is the most aggressive thing.

I made such an asshole choice to not say real words, I'm sorry. For those of you who hate improvisers, do things like that to make other improvisers mad.

Yoshi, Yoshi, Yoshi. I think most people just hate us.

Us? Us three specifically?

If you hate us, that doesn't mean you hate him. I think most people are thinking about me all the time and that's why when I'm walking by a person on this street I'll say, stop thinking about me! True.

So, do we have a guest on Luigi's? Yeah, we had mini-guesses and you just sat there like a smug bug in a rug, nodding your freaking little beard, being like... I will say JPC was closest when he said there was something wrong with the water.

I said that.

Oh, I thought JPC said that. No, I did not.

I said that there was poop on people's... We don't give credit to women here. It is a policy that is written on the wall.

I wrote Believe Women and then I crossed up the B and it just said, leave women where they are. Under the ceiling of glass.

Yes, what was it? Under the ceiling. So water was closest. Water was closest? Yeah.

Oh, it's a amusement park. It's a water park. That's even closer. Luigi's is a... He's in a pipe. In Venice. It's in a pipe like a Mario Brothers pipe. No. So it's water?

Water's close. Does it have to do with washing your hands? No.

Does it have to do with drinking water?

No.

Cooking in water? No.

Soup?

I don't know. The pipes? No.

Raining, it's raining. No. It's cold.

There's ice. The whole restaurant flood, nobody actually can eat. Closer? Closer with the whole restaurant flooded?

Now imagine the restaurant's flooded, and then imagine all the water seeps into the floor and goes below. To hell? The sub-basement flooded? The water doesn't go to hell. Was the sub-pop working? The restaurant was on a ship. And the ship sank. And the whole people got very sick.

You would be so mad if we read that riddle to you.

All the people got sick from death. You know how you get sick from dying?

Is that really it? It was on a ship and they sunk?

No, it didn't sink. It was just on a ship.

So they're all seasick. Okay, this makes sense to me.

One of the sickest times I've ever been in my entire life was right when I was dying. I was so sick. How'd you get out of it? I lived. I found Christ's love and it saved me pulling back from the edge.

I went on a cruise once and I was so seasick the whole time. It was unreal. Where'd you go to cruise? We were supposed to go to... Who's we? The whole ship was supposed to go to Bermuda.

You were dating a whole ship.

Yeah, it was a lot of middle-aged people.

I would ship Erin with the big boat. I ship it.

Well, yeah, it was exhausting. It was a lot of people in their late 40s gambling and it's hard to date that type of person when there's 150 of them.

I want to see a scene where Erin is dating a Carnival cruise ship. JPC, you will play the cruise ship. Erin, you will play yourself.

Cool. Oh, but let me move this baby. Hi.

Are you coming aboard?

Well, I haven't been coming a lot, so why would I come aboard?

Sorry, I dropped my drums.

Are you looking for Stomp? Because it's over there.

Stamped. Looking for Stamped. Yeah, we can't afford Stomp on this cruise line. And I do have a Bindle, so I am a tramp stamp.

Off with you now.

We're all done with you. That's a wrap on you.

And that's a wrap on that guy.

And that's a wrap on that guy.

Well, my name is Gary and I'm here to say... Look at all that shoulder work.

He is really going at it. All right Gary, we're all done with you. And that's a wrap on Gary. Thank you. That's a set wrap on Gary. I'm sorry, you were talking about coming.

I'm having fun.

I'm having fun too. Here we go. Yes. On a cold winter's day, drivers found that sheep from the fields nearby kept coming. I'm so sorry. On a cold winter's day, drivers found that master sheep from the fields nearby kept coming onto the road. Coming spelled the normal way.

Yes. C-U-M.

There is no snow and the road was not warmer than the fields, but whenever the master sheep were ushered back to the fields, they quickly returned to the road. Why?

They wanted to die.

It's so cold they want to get hit by cars. All the bugs from the ground crawled to the top of the ground and started eating their feet.

Wait. Dead stop.

No. You knew I was gonna say that.

All the bugs from the ground came out. All the bugs from ground. All the bugs from ground. And then they start eating the sheep. All the bugs from ground. And they eat the sheep.

And they eat the sheep.

So you're saying all the bugs from the ground came up to the ground and started to eat the shit.

I'm not really saying this. I don't know.

Who is this saying it?

Let me take off this mask ripped.

It's me, Adal. There's two.

Ah yes, this Adal is that old man who runs the amusement park in town. It's Adal and Waddle. And you would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for you and your frigid dog.

Your shrill, shrill dog. I like that Mario, Evil Mario is Wario. So you take the M and turn it upside down. Yeah. But Evil Luigi is Wah Luigi. So they're just like, well Waa worked for Mario. So let's just take the WA sound and put it in front of... Yoshi has one too? Woshi.

Seriously?

Wins a switch?

Wowser. Oh I have a lot in common with wins a switch.

I would love it if Bowser had an alternate good guy Bowser called Wowser.

Wowser. Wowser! I love when Wowser comes to the party. Wowser makes every party better.

He brings so much coke, he's so fun. Wing Woopa, Wowser.

He's so fun. Okay, why do they keep leaving the grass to go onto the road?

Is the road warm because of like cars and friction and stuff? They're saying the road was not warmer than the fields. So the fields on the roads are equal temperature.

They're not freezing over because people keep driving on them. The light. They wanted to see light. There's light on the roads.

The sheeps wanted to see the light. Wouldn't they just go to Vegas?

I guess so.

Is there a scare sheep hanging in the field that is scaring the sheep into the road? There is no scare sheep. So these sheep are just wandering into the frickin' road. And we don't know why?

I don't know. I want you two to be your two, where is it set? It doesn't say. Where do we find the most sheep? Whales?

Where's the most sheep?

New Zealand?

No, that's where we find the most whales.

Where do we find the most whales?

Sheep?

You're a fucking idiot. I'm trapped inside of a whale. You mean whale's the country?

Yes, I'm trapped here. But I'm also inside of a whale.

I'm the most unlikable person here. My name is Jonah. So yeah, so we're in Wales. So you're in Wales and you're two detectives and you're trying to solve this. No, it's not a crime, but you're just trying to solve why all these sheep are going to work. So we're bored. You're bored. Well, you're, you're detectives in Wales.

Our prerogative is to solve crimes, but now we're just trying to solve sheep riddles. So we're just the same two people. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.

You'll be sheep detective. Got it. So you're like private sheeps? Yeah. And you answer to a message.

We're sheep.

Sure. You're what? We're sheep.

We are sheep. We are sheep. We're not just, okay.

All right, Detective Wolf.

What?

What do we got here?

Well, not another murder. That's for sure. This town's so sleepy. Wouldn't it be cool, huh? There's some action, huh?

We keep talking about this. We're not gonna frame a person for murder just so we can do something with our lives.

I'm bored. I'm bored. When I became a detective, a sheep detective, I thought, it's gonna be like the movie.

You don't have to say sheep detective. We're sheep and we're detectives.

Well, okay, then why don't I have to say it?

You're not like a sheep librarian, you're just a librarian.

No, I'm a sheep detective.

I know that you're a sheep. I'm not saying that you're a sheep librarian.

I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored.

Fine. Fine. We'll kill a sheep.

Maybe I'll just kill you, huh?

What? Oh yeah? Maybe I'll kill you.

Maybe I'll kill you. You know what you hear me for my birthday? Kill someone. Have me solve it.

Fine. I'll kill someone, but if you can't solve it in 24 hours, I get to pick where we go to lunch. Wolf Shepherd in my office now.

Okay.

Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap.

Alright, close the door behind you.

Screech!

Okay, kill that owl.

Blam!

Alright, why do you think I brought you two in here?

Because we're sheep.

Because we're the best damn detectives you've got. Because you're the best damn detectives I've got. And I'm not just talking sheep detectives, I'm talking all detectives. Well sure.

Are you gonna put us on a person murder?

A what?

A person murder.

A person murder. I'll put you on a poison murder when you solve the sheep murder that's happening. I heard the two of you were saying I'm gonna kill you. You of course being spelled E-W-E, which of course is another name for some type of sheep. Uh-huh, yeah.

I don't know where I'm going with this, but... Someone, by the way, got real mad at us in a review for not knowing enough about sheep.

Really?

Yeah, they specifically called that how we didn't know what a you was. We had a review about us? What, are we a Broadway show? A review. Oh. It was a review written about us.

Spelled like sheep. Spelled like sheep. Well, we're gonna solve this case for you.

You can't pull the wool over my eyes.

Chief. Huh? Boo. Oh, I mean it. Bah.

Yeah, that sucked.

We're gonna solve this or you could have my badge, my gun, and my wool.

You two singing Kid Rock? Oh God.

And scene.

And sheep.

And sheep. I don't know what the answer is.

That's the least happy I've ever been with a scene.

Really?

Just my part. Have we ever done, have we solved a single riddle this episode? No. Well, we've only had a single riddle. Yeah. So why do we think these sheep kept coming out to the road?

No, the riddle was all married. That's why we're not getting it. That's why we can't get a single riddle. All the riddles are married.

Yeah, these are all married riddles. I could get a married riddle. No, you couldn't. I could pull a married riddle. No, you couldn't. I could ab-suffer someone who could pull a married riddle. No, you couldn't.

That's my goal.

Why do we think these sheep kept coming back to the road?

I don't know. It's not light.

Is it like a pond? Is it like they were sheep sick or some shit like that? Yeah, they were sheeps. Was it because they're just fucking sheep and they'll follow along with whatever anyone tells them? No, those are lemmings.

Oh, one sheep, yeah.

One sheep what?

They got herded there.

One sheep pops. I heard that, yeah.

The wind was blowing and the wind herded them towards the road. Shut up. Shut up.

No.

I don't know.

You know how when you have a flock of animals and you're scared the wind will take them off?

Okay.

Was the road like cold?

That was a hint.

Shepherd ever. I had this 50 head of cattle, but I gotta keep them inside because the wind might take them. Well that's true of a tornado. Somebody said something about there not being snow because of the cars. That's partially true because constant motion would keep the snow from accumulating too much, but there's still snow there.

Salt.

Yes. They want to lick the salt. The sheep keep coming to the road because they like to eat the salt, put on the road to stop it from freezing.

I thought the salt that they put on the road was bad for sheep.

Blue. Salt is blue.

That's like meth from... It's meth.

Meth.

Yeah. Blown sheep. I'm blown. Da ba dee da ba da. Da ba dee da ba da. If I were sheep, I would die. We ready for another Riddle?

Oh my god, that's a great idea. Die the sheep, that way you don't have to die the wool.

Oh my god.

Holy shit. I love it. You two want to do another riddle?

Let's see.

Good to see, what do you have going on?

I have to pick up my dad from prison. He was there to get revenge. A guard. What do you have going on?

I thought you and I could maybe do lunch.

Erin, it's the deep after noon. While digging your garden, a woman unearthed a large metal box filled with money and jewelry. For seven years, she spent none of the money and told no one what she had found. Then she suddenly bought a new house, a new car, and a fur coat. How come? How come? So the only, that was a short story and then just the riddle. How come? I'm sexually excited. Well, when the testicles, uh, Go ahead.

This is a murder riddle. So she was waiting for that person to die, the person who it belonged to.

Seven years is a specific amount of time. The seven years matters.

JPC is right. Seven years is a specific amount of time. Let it be known. I know that you hate admitting it, but sometimes when I'm right I'm right.

Seven years, that's time. That's time baby. Scruff McGruff, Chicago Wales noise. Seven years is time. Scruff McGruff was a crime dog that didn't want us to do drugs, but if you were a talking dog, you would be doing drugs every day.

Did you know that there was a baseball player called Fred McGriff and they called him the crime dog? Really? Did they call him the crime dog? He played for Atlanta Braves. That's pretty cool. Yeah, but his name is Fred McGriff and they called him McGriff the crime dog. Nice.

Okay.

Did he do crimes too? Yeah, no, he was a baseball player for one month and then he murdered someone. He murdered someone and he never paid taxes on him. Yeah, there's no David Justice.

Okay, so she dug up in the backyard.

A large metal box full of

That's how long it takes for a body to decompose.

What was that?

How long does it take for a body to decompose fully?

You think I know that? Yes. Yeah. 410 days.

How do you measure a body decomposing?

In eyeballs, in skin cells, in liquid organs. 400 ten days. It's really hard to stretch out that number. As long as it called 365 days.

I would have gone 410 days but you went 410.

Way too early. What's the past tense, rent?

Rented.

Foreclosed. Rant. Okay, so it's a use that was a large metal box. While digging a garden, a woman unearthed a large metal box filled with money and jewelry. For seven years she spent none of the money and told no one what she had found. Then she suddenly bought a new house, a new car, and a fur coat. How come?

Am I getting close with any of my guesses?

Your guesses were how long does it take to make a body decomposed?

No, like does it have to do with whoever it belonged to, like waiting for them to be out of the way?

She spent none of it. She spent none of it for seven years and told no one about it for seven years.

Did she put it in like a seven year CD or something where she like invested it all?

Yeah, she was financially, she was fiscally responsible.

Okay. That's a really good idea then. It was like, um... She would still have to declare where she got that money though. Or else the federal old Uncle Sam, Brock, who's in Obamacare, would start asking questions.

It's like that Stephen King prison movie. Uh, Shashankredemshi.

Shashankredemshi. Shashank redeemed. It's nothing to see here.

We need just past tense movies. Movies, Broadway shows. Please tweet us past tense versions. Has this been done? No. No? I don't know.

I've never heard of it.

But on Twitter has it been done? I've never heard of like Star Wars. We need the past tense version of any movie TV show or book or play.

Hashtag what?

How do we find that? Hashtag past to the future? No. Hashtag. Hashtag deep after Ling. Hashtag stamped. Hashtag stamped. Yeah. Hashtag stamped.

Cool. Okay. Can you give us a hint?

Was the box important? Was the metal, was the large metal box important?

Did she wear the jewelry? Why was jewelry mentioned?

It says nothing about the jewelry except she didn't spend the money.

But that's not part of it.

It's not part of it.

She spent the jewelry. She spent the jewelry?

That's how I walked the world.

Was what she bought the house and the car and everything with? Was the money what she bought that stuff with?

Yes.

Okay. So she was spending the money on that thing.

So she found this? Oh, I know. Do you?

Yeah, I think so. What is it? Is it one of these ones where she waited for her husband to die before she spent at all? No. Oh, fuck. It's always the other side of it.

But it's not horny enough yet to have sex. You know when you're horny but you're still like not quite there like you're still a little tired? A woman's body is a mystery to me. You know what might set me just right over the edge? Make me so horny? Oh yes. You know what might make me so horny? Could you drink this?

Okay, what is this? Let's see. Poison?

I feel like that would make me horny. Or you know what? Juggle knives. Oh, I would take, I would take my nighty off for a nap.

Ooh, the nighty. And then there's only three more layers until I can see bare human flesh. Well, bottoms up, I'll drink some of this poison. Oh, you're gonna do it. Oh, soapy lizard poison. I love a good soapy. Soapy yourself. Oh, okay. How you feeling? What's that? How are you feeling? Well, I'm still horny. I've been horny for 52 weeks.

All right.

Horny as the day I was born. Well, not that day. But I was.

But are you feeling, how's your stomach?

Oh, I could use a sandwich. Is that an offer?

No. Okay. All right. Okay.

How about you?

All right, you know what you should do? Take a little nap in the fireplace.

Oh, okay. Should I not choose my pet upstairs?

No, it's warm. It's warm in the fireplace.

Well, it's a lit fire.

Well, yeah.

Okay. Take a little nap in there. Alright, I'll just... I have a question.

Why are you so dumb? Huh? What? Why are you so dumb?

What makes you think I'm dumb, dear? I know every day you send me out to duel that you want me to die, you fed me poison and you want me to sleep in the fireplace. I'm not dumb. I just love my wife and I'll do anything for you. And if that makes me dumb, then I guess I'm the dumbest man alive, but not for very long. Now I'll go sleep in the fireplace.

Now I feel bad.

Don't. If my being dead makes you happy, then I want you to be happy.

You know what doesn't make me?

When I'm a ghost.

Horny. What?

I'm sorry?

What was that?

You're not horny.

No.

Oh, I thought of a good one. Past tense book. The stand would be the stood. No, I checked out. I was thinking of funny things to say. Do we have any thoughts on this?

I don't know.

The medal is part of it. And it was only money in jewels.

She had to wait for the box?

Was it Confederate money? Was there something with the currency? Wait, hold up. It had to do with the box?

What do you mean? Like the box that she found it in.

Yeah.

It had to do with that. Maybe. So maybe the box had to open. She couldn't get in the box. It was glass.

Could she get in the box? No.

She didn't get the code till seven years later. Disintegrated.

The box didn't have a code.

Disintegrated.

Did the box open after seven years? No. So it wasn't like a time capsule or something like that.

If it opened after seven years, she wouldn't have known that it was full of money and jewels.

So she did open it when she first got it out, saw that there was money and jewels. Could she have taken the money and jewels out when she first opened the box? Yes, and we'll say that she did.

She just didn't spend it. She just didn't spend it. She told nobody about it. Think about what's at play here. So a box full of jewels and money. In her garden. Where do we know this? Where have we... Pirates. Yeah, there you go. Now follow up that thread.

Treasure chest.

Pull on that thread. Yeah, pull on that thread. Seven years? No, Erin, you're undoing my shirt. Pull on the thread.

Well, there's a thread on there. Okay. Well, now there's just a bunch of threads.

You shouldn't leave loose threads on your shirt if you don't want people to pull them.

Okay, so it's a treasure chest. She has to wait till she's safe.

So Pirates treasure chest, where would you find a treasure chest? On an island.

Okay, follow up with that. Stuck on the island for seven years.

Yep. Oh, she got rescued. So she was... Shipwrecked. She was shipwrecked on an island. She found buried treasure. She couldn't do anything with it. Couldn't tell anybody about it. And she kind of made a home and a garden. And then eventually she was rescued. And when she got back to land, she spent her money. Oh, it did say she was digging in her garden, right?

You telling me that we could have been doing pirate voices for the last several minutes and you haven't?

You fucking idiot.

Are you telling me we could have been pirates? Let's see a scene where you're a pirate and you're like really leaning into like the cartoonish pirates and you're just trying to get your whole crew on board to be like a classical pirate.

And what part of your pirate crew?

Yar, welcome aboard me crew. Wow, swab the decks, grab your parrots, put your eye patches on. Oh, we're gonna sell the salty seas, Yar.

Wouldn't putting these eye patches on decrease the visibility on the sea?

Yar, no, Yar! Yarr. Short answer, Yarr. Long answer, Yarr.

I'm a sniper, so I just feel like this would really wreck my specific book.

Right, and we don't have a ton of food, and if we're having a parrot with us, isn't that like another mouth we need to feed?

Cool, yeah. Let me answer one question at the time.

Not really a question, just kind of a general comment.

Yeah, like a comment, suggestion.

Maybe a suggestion box would be a good thing.

Let me ask you a question. Why do you think a pirate hired a sniper?

Oh, I'm just a sniper for hire. I would never question why I was hired. I'm assuming to snipe.

To snipe? Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Yar. Okay. Why would a pirate hire whatever you do? A cook? A cook? Why would a pirate hire a cook? To cook? Yar. I want to open up a restaurant on my boat called Luigi's.

It's just a thing of like, I hired you to snipe and cook, not talk type of thing. You are? Okay. Do you know what my favorite food is? Chicken parmesan. Not tar tar. I should have said tar tar. Do you know what my favorite food is?

Oh, here we go. What?

Tartare. Hold on, hold on. Are you implying that we're cutting that part out where you didn't come up with tartare? Well, I just want to live in a rally where chicken parmesan didn't exist.

It's too late.

Look, look. We want to be on this crew, okay?

What other food do you like?

Oh, what else do I like?

That's a deep vein. I like potato.

What's your favorite fast food?

Arrrrrrveeees.

And long gone chillers.

Oh, sorry, I like BK Breilers. GPC, I need to see a scene where Alan Alda is auditioning for a pirate called Wallen... Wallen Wilda? What?

Evil Alan Alda.

It's evil Alan Alda. And this is just going to be short. I just want to see Alan Alda play a pirate, but I thought it'd be fun to have a leon that it's evil Alan Alda. It's evil Alan Alda. Called W'al and W'allda.

Gotcha. All right. Let me see if I can do my... Okay. We're into it. All right. Now, if there's one thing I like, it's booty. And on this ship, we're all getting as much booty as we can mash. Did everybody get what I've done? Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. I'm sorry? Please don't interrupt me when I'm in my zone. You gave me an idea. Okay.

And now I want to see W'al and W'alda do a character voice. Somebody draw that. Do a character voice for the Nintendo game Super Mash Brothers? Wait, what's the one that's the... That's right. Super Mash Brothers. Yeah, but Super Mash Brothers. And I'm doing a character voice? It's Nintendo characters, but they're all in the Korean War. And they... And this is a scene you want to see?

Yeah. War is hell. So pick up that big hammer and smash that toad creature with it. And that's a space man and oh boy, just a bunch of Japanese characters there. Oh, okay. Somebody stitched this guy up. He's bleeding. His organs have ruptured.

You know what I found out recently? Is that on Mash I never watched Mash. I never watched Mash. But I've never watched Mash. But there's a part in the show where Alan Alda kills a baby but he's like, I killed a chicken. And then when pressed further he's like, I killed a baby. The chicken was actually a baby. What? Alan Alda on the show killed on he was on a bus and he killed he was like I made this woman shut her chicken up because it was making too much noise and then she ended up killing the chicken and got smothered but really it was a baby.

In Mash, Alan Alda kills a baby?

I'm gonna look it up. From everything I know about Mash, it was like a dark dark comedy because it was about the Korean War which was not a cool war it wasn't like a fun punch Hitler war

Fun Punch Hitler War.

Yeah, World War II is the most fun war. Like in Cheers when Woody eats that kid.

Yeah, he eats that woman's kid. He rips that woman's kid. She comes into the bar and she's like, can kids come into this bar and Woody eats that kid so fast.

Yeah, two and a half minutes about that. Amputating the man's legs off.

Jesus. I would watch that.

Friends is about just murdering a bunch of Quakers.

It's in the last episode. What? After more questioning Hawkeye remembers telling the refugee to make the children, the chicken be quiet, and then the woman, that the woman killed the chicken.

Was the baby's name chicken? So the woman killed the chicken.

Yes, but it was the babe. He made a woman kill her own baby.

Wow. If you tell, hold up. That's why they call him Hawkeye. If you tell somebody to quiet their kids down and then the parent kills the kid, you didn't murder them. That's true.

It was a repressed memory. Oh, and there were refugees.

Yeah. I remember telling a parent at Chuck E. Cheese, because I was there supervising. I was a shift supervisor. I said, you better shut that kid up. And the parent shut them up in an attic for four or five years.

And that was on me.

I felt bad about that, but that was on me.

Anyway, sorry to share that. That's disturbing.

Is that why you're wearing that shirt? Because you worked at Chuck E. Cheese? Yeah. It says Chuck E. Cheese more like fuck me please.

So go to teapublic.com slash heyriddleriddle and pick up a fuck me please.

Chuck E. Cheese is more like fuck me please shirt. We will have them up as long as we are not being sued. Once we get a lawsuit we will cease and this is... We will double down. Here we go, we got another riddle. This one says a mother... Another riddle. A mother told her six year old daughter that her pet dog had been hit by a car and killed. The little girl burst into tears half an hour later the mother said the dog was quite well and that it was all a mistake. Why she do that? She said that the dog had been hit by a car. She told her daughter, she told her six year old daughter that her pet dog had been hit by a car and killed. The little girl burst into flames, burst into tears. Half an hour later the mother said the dog was quite well and that it was all a mistake. Why she do that? She was wrong.

She wanted to make sure her daughter could cry.

Yeah, this is a psychopath test. Why?

Because the daughter wasn't listening to her.

The daughter needed to cry because she ingested poison through her tear ducts. And the only way- She drank some lemonade and you had to piss off- She had to flush out the poison. She was trying to make her daughter cry. That was the goal that mom was trying to make the daughter cry.

For attention, for to get out of something. She went, okay, in order to get out of this thing, I gotta make you cry. But I'm not, you're not a good enough actress. You're not a good enough actress. You have to actually pull from.

Yeah, it was to audition for ET. Yep. Yeah. That little boy, have you seen that audition? The little boy's audition for ET. No. It is insane.

He's good.

Yeah.

YouTube search.

Yeah. He's amazing. He's amazing. What's the, what does he say at the end of No, at the very end of the audition, whoever's running it says something like, yeah, that's it or something like that.

Anyway, who says yeah, that's it?

The kids got it. That's the ticket baby? Yeah, he says that's the ticket baby.

GPC, what's the past tense of ET? Brute. E2? E2? E2 Brutus? E2 Brutus? F? But go on YouTube. Thanks for watching!

We got it. What if instead of E.T. phone home he said E.T.F.U. E.T.F.U. E.T.F.U. E.T.F.U. E.T.F.U. E.T.F.U. E.T.F.U.

E.T.F.U. E.T.F.U.

E.T.F.U. E.T.F.U. E.T.F.U.

E.T.F.U. E.T.F.U. He says, that's the sizzle and here's the steak and he hands the kid $10,000 to go buy him some steak. And then that guy grew up and he's in House on Haunted Hill and he's fine. Oh yeah, he's good now. What happened?

Why is he bad at acting?

Because he was only meant to act as a kid. So in House on Haunted Hill, he acts like he's seven years old. It's embarrassing. You were only meant to act as a kid.

Okay, so she needed to get her daughter to cry for some reason.

Yeah, but we got it. I mean, we basically got it. Oh, okay. She's auditioning? Yeah. Yeah. For a commercial for Ovaltine and stuff? So this is apparently based on a real story.

Oh wow.

Oh my god. That when she said her dog was killed, it was actually a baby.

Oh yeah, of course.

It was a repressed memory.

It was Alan Alda telling Shirley Temple, that's crazy.

Your dog's been killed. That's ultimate stage mom terrifying.

I mean, what year was that with Shirley Temple? That must have been 2015.

Animal crackers in my soup, one of the animals is my dog. My dog is dead of his animal soup. My dog is in my animal soup.

KJ, isolate that, put it at the beginning of every porn. That's the new intro to porn.

Everyone's like, oh, I'm not horny anymore.

Welcome to intro to porn. Put down your genitalia.

Pick up your pens. Put them up your penis.

Pick up your pens.

I would take that class from you.

Intro to board. GPC, do you have a thing to butt plug? What do I want to butt plug? Just a couple fingers up in there. No, I would like to plug my Twitter. You can find me at JPsofly. You can also find me on Instagram at sharkbarkman, where you will see pictures of spaghetti.

Not the food, my dear boy. You can follow me on Twitter at Adal Bibi. It's spelled like it sounds.

Adal Bibi. And that's the parody account that you run of the David Spade character from the SNL sketch where people are deboarding a plan. Gotcha.

Bibi. Rifai. You can check out other episodes of Hey Riddle Riddle that are...

Wow, that's the first time we've ever plugged that.

That are on iTunes or wherever you find your podcasts. You can check out Siblings Specular, Hello from the Magic Tavern. And I not only want people to tweet hashtag stamped with past tense pop culture-isms, but also I want people to make any celebrity into a evil Nintendo character by adding a WA in front of their name.

Or just, I would love fan art of the evil version of all three of us.

We make Waddle way-pee-wee.

Way-pee-wee.

And we're wearing weave.

Way-pee-wee. Way-pee-wee.

The pee is still there. It's just way-pee-wee. Way-pee-wee. But I want people to tweet or on Instagram to add a WA to anyone. And what hashtag should they use? Willans? Like villains.

Yeah, villains.

Love it. But should it be, but just W-I, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Um, yeah.

Oh, I want to- But don't tweet Willennium.

Too many people use the hashtag.

Too many people use the hashtag Willennium. Willennium. Which is the best Will Smith apple.

Um, I want to plug the Hey Riddle Riddle Instagram and Twitter. Find us at Hey Riddle Riddle. Uh, follow me on my Instagram, Erin Keif 10, and message me if you ever want any free tickets to any of the shows I'm in. I'm giving those out like candy.

What if we do a Hey Riddle Riddle tour and then everyone just messages you for free tickets?

Well, don't, anything except the Hey Riddle Riddle shows. Yeah, actually if that happens, Erin, you fucked us.

You fucked us.

Well, oops, sorry, and goodbye forever.

Oh, God. Well, I guess I'm moving too. Jupiter! This has been Hey Riddle Riddle created by Adal Rifai, starring Erin Keif and John Patrick Coan. That was a hate gun podcast.