Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Oh, hello. I didn't hear you there. Us? Come on in. Come on in. Do you want some pie? Do you want some pie? Aren't we all hosting? Here's a big handful of candy. Ooh. You know what else you might like? What? Might find pretty tasty. Our new Patreon. Ooh. It launches Friday.

This Friday. Yeah, Friday. The very same. Well, what are you telling me? Tell me a little something about this Patreon.

It was by the folks of Hey Riddle Riddle. Good people, those folks.

One of the crew is pretty great.

It's called Clue Crew. And what it is, is those three hosts doing, you know, kind of similar stuff, a little bit different, but same fun and joy.

So they're not doing riddle, but it's still pretty fun.

All right, all right. It's five fucking dollars.

It's five dollars. You'll get a bonus episode every Friday. Is that correct? Every Friday, there'll be a bonus episode. That's correct for five.

And a lot of the stuff that they've done is really funny and great. They play the dating game in one episode. We do some trivia in one episode. Who's we? Who's we? They or we? We are three. I dropped this bit. You had one fucking drop. I dropped the bit back there. I accidentally dropped it. We'll pick it up. I don't want to pick it up. It's only five dollars to pick it up.

These floors are filthy. That bit has to go right out. Sorry, I dropped caramel everywhere.

Anyway, follow HeyRiddleRiddle on all the social media for the big announcement. And on Friday, we hope you enjoy the Patreon.

And our first episode is our live show we recorded in Chicago in December.

So if you already saw that live, I guess you're shit out of luck, dumbass.

Or maybe you'll hear yourself.

We're out of luck. Oh shit. Please give us $5.

Maybe you'll hear yourself. If you were in the audience.

Pay $5 to hear yourself laugh.

To hear yourself laugh or not laugh. That's a selling point. And here's a little clip from that episode.

Do we have a clip?

Yes.

You sure? Yes. KJ's not it. That's good news.

Sit down, eat some pie, listen to this clip. And this is the 10th funniest thing that happened in that episode. We can't give you the nine funniest.

There's some stuff we can't play. Let's see our first scene. GMPC, I'd like you to be a hip young teen who just got cubes that are growing downward. And Erin, you're a very concerned mother. And Arnie, maybe just some like some jaunty 50s house music. Sure, yeah. You know, jaunty. That's a real softball, right? Yeah, you can do it. This is your warm-up too, Arnie. 50s house music. Like the music that plays in a 50s home. No, I meant like the Chicago Staple house music for you. I think you meant like club. That's what I meant.

Yeah, that's what I meant.

Okay. Oh sweetheart, I know I'm a school nurse, but I'm also your mom. I'm also your mom so you can talk to me about anybody's stuff.

And I know I'm just a fourth grader, but I'm also your son.

I know!

And, like you said, I always declare my relationship to the person and my relationship to myself before starting a conversation.

So people don't get confused.

Mom slash nurse, can I ask you a sensitive question about my body?

I can't wait.

So you know how you explain to me how pubes grow? Pubes grow on my body, right?

Pubes grow on your body. Pubes.

Alright, you explained it to me, so I don't know why.

I guess I'm wrong. Yes. Okay, so you pube it. Pubes grow.

We flashed backwards six months ago where Erin and his mom came home drunk to explain to you.

Wake up. Shit. Wake up. What? Is there a fire? No, not a fire. Just a fire in my heart because I love my son so much. He's so cute. Hello.

Mom, I didn't know it was you. You didn't declare yourself and your relationship to me.

Oh yeah, yeah. Mother, school nurse, wife to your father, still... Son, third grade, soon to be fourth, and then... Okay, so here's the thing about fuses. Fuses become, and they hurt a little bit, but then they itch. Okay. But hold on, but hold on. I'm not done. No. But then, as a woman, you grow up and then you go, society chose me to shave these. I won't need this. And then you shave for a couple times and you go, I like this how this feels, but I want to look like a woman. And then you struggle with that the rest of your life. But with men, I don't really know. You kind of just like are proud of it for a while at locker rooms.

And then you- I don't have any immediate follow-up questions. That's a living. Hope you enjoyed that clip, and now, to the episode. Good job Adal. Great read.

You sound like the guy from Splash Mountain. Do our character. Oh, but oh, but I can't do this. Alright, alright.

The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Oh, then we're going to finish. It was the captain of an airplane.

He stabbed him with a knife and a knife.

If the clue fits, solve it. It's Hey Riddle Riddle. I'm Adal Rifai. I'm JPC. And I'm Erin Keif. What do we think of that new intro? Uh, so that's the new intro? If the clue fits, solve it. If the clue fits, solve it. I don't get it, but... Oh, it's kind of like if the shoe fits, wear it. But then I replace keywords and then the second half is just a total reconstruction. Okay, a keyword replace total reconstruction.

I'm distracted because it looked like you woke up from a hundred years sleep right as you were saying it. Your face completely changed when you started the intro.

Yeah, in my everyday life I'm the Walking Dead, but then I turn it on for podcasts.

Oh man.

This is you on. Yeah, I have to manufacture this low, low energy.

If the clue fits, where?

Solve it. If the clue fits, where? No, that's better. That's better. That's a better punch up.

Doesn't it feel like it's been a hundred years since we did this?

What are you obsessed with a hundred years? Did you just read Washington Irving's Rip Van Linkle?

I did. Is that who wrote that? Yeah. What is the plot of that?

Man, here's the plot. Man falls asleep under a tree, fall asleep 100 years, wake up, he old man puzzlies.

But why, okay, okay. Wait, why did he fall asleep though? Is there a curse?

I forget this. He's walking a bunch. He ate a lot of carbs. Yeah, he was very sleepy. Yeah, he ate some paella. And he fucked a witch's horse. He fucked a witch's horse.

She was asleep for 100 years.

Who was the witch all along. And it's canon that if you, you know, fuck a horse, you get real sleepy.

It wasn't a curse.

The witch did nothing with a curse.

Okay, hold on. Wait, so when he wakes up though, did he have a love that now is married with children? Yeah.

He falls asleep in 2009. He wakes up in 2009. I love that he falls asleep and he wakes up after 100 years and his love is with someone else. Like, still alive. Everyone's 145, but they're just, it's all fucked.

Well wait, he sleeps 100 years. He doesn't sleep 100 years. No, it's 100 years.

You said 100 years.

No, but I'm saying that's not how long he sleeps in the actual story.

He sleeps for eight hours. He gets nine and a half hours of sleep and he wakes up and his wife has another husband.

I'm looking it up. I'm looking it up.

No. No phones. We agreed. Whoever picks up phones picks up the check.

We are recording this from an Applebee's as always. And my skillet brownie has not come out. I ordered a skillet brownie first just to throw off the waitstaff. I always do that. I order desserts first because I want to be a problem.

Wakes up 20 years later having missed the American Revolution.

Whoa, that's a good thing. Yeah, because a lot of people died in that war. So the fact that he missed it.

He missed the whole thing.

Which side was he on? Is he a Tory or loyalist?

He's a Dutch-American immigrant.

He's a metaphor for the French. Yes. They sat that war out. Oh yes. So it's analogous for the French. I don't think they did set that war out. I think they sent the Marquis de Lafayette and then he befriended a young Hamilton. Well, I meant to say the French Polynesian. Yes, yes, yes. Erin, you fell asleep for a couple minutes there because your eyes closed and you woke up in your Rip Van Puzzies for this episode.

I'm Rip Van Puzzies.

Rip from the headlines.

Tell me, is my love still alive? Are they married? Did I miss any wars?

Oh, they're still alive but they fucked a horse.

Oh, so they're asleep for a hundred years. Seriously. I'm old Rip Van Puzzies. That hurts to say. Do we remember how to do Riddles?

I do. No, we never knew how. That's the whole secret of this whole thing. Here we go. Did we introduce ourselves?

What's happening?

Erin, here's what's going to happen. I'm going to power you down. I'm going to turn you back on. Dead Stop Hard Reset.

Yeah, that sounds like a good call.

I made a flighty robot. Her name is Erin. She is malfunctioning.

I like this story. A man and his boss have the same parents but are not siblings. How is that possible?

A man and his boss have the same parents, but they're not siblings? Easy. He's his own boss. He owns his own business. Yeah, this guy says, like, I gotta check with the boss, and he's like, oh yeah, that's me.

You're fired.

Yep, peace out, employee. Yeah, you got it.

Is it really that? There's also another situation where he, it's a person and their uncle.

Oh.

But that doesn't work. It doesn't solve the problem.

No, it doesn't. J.P.C., can I see a scene where you are self-employed, you are your own boss, but you're not doing great. Great. And you're just going to try to let yourself go. Oh, okay. But gently.

Gotcha. And let yourself go. Just pack on weight. Stop showering.

Thank you for coming into your performance review. See you didn't put pants on again. Not necessarily a bad thing, just not a great thing. Don't look at that. You're covered in funyun dust. You haven't had funyuns in almost four days.

Sir, you have a client on line one.

I'm sorry Siri, what was that?

You have a client on line one.

How do I do lines on this thing? Police! Police! We believe that Suri Cruz is inside your business. Suri, be quiet. They're never gonna take you. Sir, we're gonna break down the door.

Wait, before you break down the door. No, you can't come in.

You don't have permission. I want to see a warrant. I know my rights. We don't have a warrant, but we have the loot and we have the location. You think you're like a funny cop, huh? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah, you think you're, what's your name, funny cop? Seymour. Oh boy, I know where this is going. C-more badges? I'm sorry? What's that? Did you say C-more badges? Jesus!

My mother was on Dawson's Creek!

Oh yes. Yes, we all know your mom was James van der Beek. I'm going to count to three. GVB. Then I'm going to toss in a confetti bomb. Okay. Alright. One, two, three.

Ah man, drowning myself in that tub didn't work. Back to being self-employed. Same.

That really got away from us.

Also, just like being self-employed is not so different from Adal's life. Adal's self-employed.

What's it like? Drying yourself in your tub. Trying to drive myself in my tub. That's a word. Really have the same day over and over. Trying to drive off a cliff with a grandma. Put your little head in mine. I learned how to play piano. Fall in love with Andy McTowell. Punch Ned Ryerson. I drive myself off with an Andy McTowell. Yeah, Punch Ned Ryerson.

It's pretty great.

Yeah, for a living I just teach corporate improv and perform improv, do podcasts and... Cook steak for people? Cook steak for people? Is it hard to have self-discipline? Uh, no, because as we all know, I'm a martial artist. So every morning I wake up, I check in with my chi, chop some blocks, punch some boards, do some flips, some flippies. Oh, you should not do it in that order. You should stretch before you flip. Punching and chopping is not stretching. It sounds like you're cutting corners. I will say I consume way too much media. Like every day. I keep a book for the last year and a half. I've kept a book of everything. Every movie I watch, every album I listen to, every book I read, every podcast I listen to, everything.

For historians to find later.

If you could get your hands on that book, it would be worth nothing. His book is ruined.

Someone marked up this copy of Huckleberry Finn.

Why would you do that? It's banned now. It's garbage. But I look back at every day at what I consumed and I consumed so much media. But I like to keep abreast on what's going on so that I can use it for puns. I like to keep abreast, that's why I'm always buying chicken. That's why I'm gonna kill that woman. No, no, no. A woman chicken, a woman chicken. A hen. Yes, hens. Did you know that in Britain they call bachelorette parties hen-doos? Is that true? Yeah. Stag parties and hen-doos.

I went to a hen's night in Australia when my friend was getting married.

They called it hen's night? Yeah. Well, I'm talking about hen-doos.

Well, I'm talking about hen-doos nights.

In Japan, Hentai. In India, they are called Hendus. 80% of the population is Hendus.

When I went to that hens night, the theme, it was like a burlesque. We went to different burlesque clubs, which is so cool. And I remember going to pick out an outfit and I was like, I'm going to look so bad and trashy. And I got to the party and I looked like a nun. I was like so covered up compared. I was like, oh, we're all wearing underwear.

OK, I messed up. Wait, did you think that you were part of the burlesque show?

No, we just like I thought I was like, oh, we're going out. It's like a hen, like a bachelorette party like I should. And I bought like a long sleeve black dress that was sparkly. And I was like, this is probably over the top.

I want to see a quick scene. Erin, you're going to be, so you're part of a burlesque show called Erin Burlesque, A-la Hamilton. JPC, you're the French marquee... Wait, is he Hamilton Themes Burlesque show? Yeah, Erin Burlesque. Okay. And they went with the titular character from Hamilton, Erin Burr. Good. And it's his story. Sure. And JPC, you're part of a burlesque night called Birkelesque, which is, you're wearing a burka. You're Muslim. I don't know that I want to do that scene. And here we go. Hey, I just quit my job. Let's get another Riddy.

I was going to try to make some Erin Burr sexy puns, but I don't.

No, no, no.

I had a thought of any.

Let's just do three. Erin Burr sexy puns.

Sexy Erin Burr puns. Let's never discriminate between the sinners and the saints. They take, they take, and they take.

Okay, so for the next one, let's just do 100% more confidence.

Butts never discriminate between the sims and the same.

And you think that's sexy? To replace a word in a song with butts, that's sexy for you?

I want to be in the butt where it happens. What's another song he sings in the show?

But a doja writes me a letter of a jig.

Dear my butt butt to say to you. Angelica, Eliza, and Butts.

I feel like this moment right now that we just created is going to cause the most tweets where they're like, you missed this butt pun. And I'm thinking of a hundred Hamilton butt puns, but I'm not going to say them. So just know if you tweeted us. No, we got them all.

We thought of them all. You're just not saying them. No, but I actually would love whatever Wednesday this comes out. Can't wait to read all of your Hamilton butt puns.

I want to sit under my own vine. Call me butt one more time.

We should have people hashtag more. You should hashtag Hamilton butt puns if you want.

That's my favorite thing as a podcaster is going is is online when people are like you miss this joke. I can confidently say that's my favorite thing. Well, you miss a lot of jokes. I miss a lot of jokes. Erin and I never get these tweets. We never get people telling us that we miss jokes.

Because I've never joked and JPC won't miss a joke.

I will not miss a joke. And Erin, you were crowned Miss Joke in Boston?

Yes. But not because I made jokes. It was sort of a Carrie situation.

You were crowned Miss Carrie? No.

This got away from us. We never had it. Every time you lose something, you always find it in the last place you look. You would look. Why is that? Why is this?

Every time you lose something, you always find it in the last place you look. Why is this? You always look in the refrigerator last, and why do you keep putting your keys in there, Don? You came home drunk again. Did you fuck that horse? You smell like horse cock. I assume when you fuck a horse, that means you get backed into it. No! And your butt smells like it. Can you read it one more time, Erin?

Every time you lose something, you always find it in the very last place you would look. Why is this?

Well, so is this actually a riddle or is this just like the common sense you find it because it's always in the last place you look because you stop looking after you find it.

This is advice from Marie Kondo.

What's her name? Marie Kondo?

Marie Kondo. We're tidying up. Yes.

And JBC is going to be pissed that I spoil this. What do you mean? But in the fourth, I think, episode, that episode's too sad to be on TV.

Too sad for TV. Oh, oh, oh. Spoilers from Marika. I thought I was going to be pissed because of a spoiler for the answer to that riddle. No. Which I think I nailed. People haven't watched Tiding Up. We are going to give some spoilers right now for episode four. What happens is a woman is tidying up and she puts all her kids in a pile. Turns out she doesn't need all those kids. None of them bring them joy. She holds each kid but don't spark joy. It's an old woman who lives in a show.

Last place you looked. It's too sad. You need to watch it. What are we talking about?

We're talking about Tiding Up. If we could tidy up this episode, what would we lose? 90% of the content.

JPC.

What? Yeah, JPC and 90% of the content.

The only thing that sparks joy for me here is KJ and this seltzer water.

Let it be known that Erin is holding 20 ounces of whiskey?

I'm fine.

And she's just chain-eating cigarettes? I don't think you've ever seen if they put chain-eating cigarettes. Erin has a bottle of water that she costs that's sweat from Brian Seltzer for the Brian Seltzer Orchestra.

Oh, pretty cool. You got the answer right.

Erin just drank a full bucket of fish.

You could tell anybody anything because they can't see me and they're gonna believe you.

Wait, what was the answer to the riddle?

JPC got it. It is in the last place you would look because once you find it there, there's no need to keep looking.

Yeah, you would stop looking. Yeah, it's a syntax issue. I get it. I get it.

Are we ready for another one?

Syntax C4 explosive. Yeah, I'm ready.

What can an elephant make that no other animal can make?

Giant ships. Papa Horny. What can an elephant make that no other animal can make? Man is an animal, so keep that in mind. What can elephants make that no other animal can make? Do they call them funnel cakes, right? They call, yeah, they call them, uh... Mellow yellow. Kearney cakes. What kind of elephants?

Elephants are so cute.

They feel grief. Do they? Yes.

Oh, I don't want to know that.

Yes, so they feel grief. They will go back and visit the graveyards of their dead and like do mournful crying.

Okay, I want to see a scene. You two are elephants and you are coming back from a funeral and you're just leaning on each other.

Wow, what a terrible... Oh, what an event.

Terrible that Melissa was scared by a mouse, tipped over, and broke her back and died. Oh man. That's insane.

At least she took the fucking mouse with her.

Yeah, oh yeah. Did we not have to worry about that?

Did she crush that fucking mouse?

Oh boy.

Oh, they're a nuisance. They're the only thing that can kill us.

Carol, do you ever think about when we're gonna die?

What do you mean, Jeff?

I mean, we're all gonna die, right? Just makes you think about- Oh Jeff, stop it! You're being morose! Stop it! You're being morbid! Well, we're elephants, you know? We take the bones of our dead, we pile them up, we make- Jeff! What? I don't want to think about this! Promise me that when I die, I want to be cremated. Jeff! I want to be cremated, and I want my remains turned into a ring. I want you to wear that ring on your trunk.

Jeff, the second you die, I am dying too. My heart- Get off me! Oh, a little toy! No, excuse me. Oh, it's a mouse?

What's a mouse? Fuck you. No, excuse me. Your friend killed my wife.

Your what?

My wife.

Your friend killed my wife. Your friend killed your wife. Wait a second. You're that little mouse husband. Fuck you. Fuck you. You fucking killed Melissa. You killed our friend.

I know how to settle this. 9-11. What?

Never forget? Riddle never forget.

That does it! Good to see you! See you soon! See you around like a donut!

Wait, wait, real quick mouse. What can I make that nobody else can make?

Fuck you! Nothing, you stupid! You're stupid!

We usually get the answer from doing the improv. Yeah, usually that jostles something loose. Erin, how many mice have you played out in podcasts now?

Oh, probably a hundred. I won't do a podcast unless I can play a mouse.

What can an elephant make that no other animal can make? They can do something with their trunk because no other animals have trunks.

Well, they use the trunk to... Shut up for a second. They use their trunks to talk. You know how if you are a kid in a tree house in the 1940s, you put cans together through string to talk?

Yes.

That's what they use their trunks for. They put their trunks up together and it creates... Some of us still use that now. They use their trunks to suck up water from pools so that they can blow water up their butts because a bidet is the ultimate sensation. Nature's bidet. Elephants are nature's bidet. Bidet to you? Bidet mate. What can elephants make? A mess. Can somebody make an image that's an elephant washing its own ass? No. Its trunk stuck up its own ass that says elephant's nature's bidet. But the elephant's clearly coming. Oh, that elephant's clearly coming. What can elephants make? Ah, god damn it, why do I not know this?

There's no doubt in my mind that that elephant is coming.

The look on his face, clearly, that elephant's coming. Oh, themselves come. That's the thing that elephants can make.

No, no, other people can do that too. Other animals?

We all know the Ocelot can make itself come.

Oh God, I'm just now imagining people drawing fan art for this episode and they have to keep erasing the face, being like, it's not quite.

What can an elephant make? Is it a trumpet sound? Can I ask, and be honest with me, is this a pun or is it an actual riddle?

No riddles are actual riddles.

That's a really interesting take. They can make a bow from their nose. They can make elephant footprints. I mean, it's got to be something like that, right?

Yeah, but you're on the right track with that.

They can make the earthquake. Yeah. Is it trunk related?

No.

Is it footprints related?

No, but that way of thinking.

When there was two sets of footprints, you had an elephant. When there was one set of footprints, the elephant killed you. You were riding the elephant. You can ride... Is this like, um, I was in India recently. You can't get down from a goose, but you can get down from an elephant. I saw 50 elephants all in one spot. Is that true? Yeah. Wow. Was it a party?

Was it a funeral?

It was mind blowing. It was, uh, well it was a divorce party. Oh, people were splitting their elephant assets.

Someone was just telling me that they're going to a divorce party tonight.

Was it you in the mirror? Yeah. Who was it? It was my mom and my dad. It was my mom and my dad and I have traumatized. I give up on this. Divorce parties, that's like a thing of the recent, those aren't, people didn't have divorce parties 50 years ago, right? Sure they did. Really? Yeah.

I would like to see one.

We're going to see one right now. Erin and JPC. Erin, you just got divorced. Sure. Because you dressed like a nun at a burlesque party. And JPC, you're a friend, the only friend who showed up to this divorce party.

Oh, okay.

And it's very much the 1950s. And you cannot say any words that are like current day or have any technology of current day. Got it. Otherwise I'll stop the scene while we restart. Got it. Okay.

Cell phone.

Okay, okay.

Okay, shit. No words of current day. Okay.

No words of current day. You have to talk in all 1950s idioms.

Okay. Why 2k? Okay, we're gonna stop and restart.

Okay, sure. Unless, unless JPC you brought $2,000 and Erin you were questioning why. Why 2k? They didn't call it 2k back then. Erin, I'm all busted up about your recent divorce.

Oh boy.

I just thought Steve was the bee's knees.

I did too. Turns out he didn't love me at all.

Well, you know, you'll find another fellow out there. Someone who's a real pooch's cooch.

You think so?

Well, you know, there's a million fish in the sea. A million? That's the biggest number.

Oh boy, then why are you single?

Me? Well, I have a very specific tastes. What does that mean, darling? Well, I'm very picky. I'm very choosy.

Tell me about it, Dal. I've been fishing for this answer.

Well, I guess you could say that my mate wouldn't really take human form. What does that mean? I'm in love with an elephant. What? Yes. They're the only creatures that can feel grief at the level that I feel.

We live in the middle of the city. How do you even meet an elephant these days?

Why, dear, have you never been to an underground elephant club?

No, of course not. Can we go now, now, now, now?

No! We stayed the same way. The next one's not until Saturday. Same. JPC, what is the poocher's coot? What? Poocher's coot? It's just an idiom from the 50s. This is the way that people talked back then. I like 1950s as like, nah, see? Yeah, see? We're all in the mafia. 23 Skadoo, 1958. What is the elephant vernal answer? We gotta know.

Oh, I thought I already told you. It's a baby elephant.

That's false because Henry Mancini... What's his name? Henry Mancini? Henry Mancini? Who? Henry Mancini. I don't know who that is. The singer? Henry Mancini is an animal, human, and he created the baby elephant waltz. Is that what that's called? That's the baby elephant. Why do you know that? That's the Sanford and Sons theme song. That's the Sanford and Sons theme song. Is it the same thing? Oh, no. Baby elephant waltzes. That's very different. It's very similar. It's that baby elephant waltz.

But is that a waltz technically?

I don't know.

Isn't a waltz like... You came in there so confidently with zero corrective permission.

With a Coke Zero. You thought Henry Mancini wrote the Sam Francis theme song and it was called the baby elephant waltz.

I mean, fight me. Prove me wrong. 2019, 2000, fight me.

Are we ready for another one? Yes. Our last warm-up riddle, I suppose.

Oh, we're still in warm-up riddles?

Yes.

We're 50 minutes in.

I don't think so.

Oh, Jesus Lord.

Last warm-up.

Yes.

Smell me. By me. And deliver me. I won't change. What am I?

A baby.

Do you say butt?

Russian butt.

We're talking about butts.

Smell me. By me.

Deliver me.

Oh, this is that U2 song. Hold me, thrill me, kiss me, kill me, smell me, buy me. Smell me, better, faster, stronger. Smell me, buy me. Smell me, buy me. Deliver me. Smell me, buy me, deliver me, I won't change. Perfume. Smell me, buy me, deliver me, I won't change. I want change.

Oh, I know what it is.

What? DiGiorno's Pizza.

Yes.

Smell me, buy me, deliver me. Which brings us to our... Smell me, buy me, deliver me, I won't change.

This is the word one.

It's not delivery, it's your baby. Ma'am, please take your baby. A stillborn baby? Stop trying to get your baby.

It won't change.

No, Erin, what he's trying to say is that it was still born. Even though the mom didn't want it, it was still born. Oh, okay. Technically, we're all... So it's a positive spin. Yeah, a positive spin.

An old classic. Smell me, buy me, deliver me, deliver me. Milk. What gets delivered? Stories.

Male babies.

Go one at a time and think of what word is connected to that.

Flowers. Male delivery.

Smell me.

Smell me. Flowers. Me.

Buy me.

Me.

I would say ignore buy me. Focus on smell me and deliver me.

Smell me, deliver me. That's the beginning of a prayer. Oh Lord, smell me and deliver me from evil.

Deliver me from evil? This one sucks. This one sucks?

My Lord, deliver me from evil, but not from the Giorno's. The next time, if any listeners go to church, the next time you say deliver us from evil, I need you to say, it's not deliver us, it's the Giorno's.

Stand up in church and say, it's not deliver us, it's the Giorno's. I bet you'll get a couple chuckles. Do kids still go to church? I would love that.

Also, we need to start a nightclub called Couple Chuckles.

Couple Chuckles?

Ew! No, it's like a stand-up club. Why did that elicit an ew?

You said nightclub. You don't like the word chuckles.

Why not? You recently replaced words with butt. You talked about being inside the butt where it happens, and couple chuckles elicited an ew?

Chuckles? Quick butt!

What is it? What is it about chuckles that you don't like?

I don't know. That word sounds disgusting.

I don't like the word upchuck to describe like vomit. What about upchuckles? What about upchuckles? That's when you laugh so hard you barf. That's true.

Upchuckles. That's fun.

I feel like this episode, we've created so many fun things for people to get out there and do. It's like a little scavenger hunt. It kind of makes all of our other episodes look like dog shit. Yeah, honestly, I'm going to go ahead and say it. This is our best episode. This is our best episode. And it's contained almost zero riddles. Well, it's contained in this one that apparently is going to make me very sad when you hear the answer to it.

You're going to go, what?

Erin, here's what I want. I want a squiddle. That's a riddle that involves squids.

This is all gross words.

Is this a squid?

No.

What's the answer?

You want to know? I don't know. You give up? I have to give up. Smell me, buy me, and deliver me. I won't change. What am I? It's a word.

Clothes.

It's a word that's spelled different ways that all applies to these.

It's a homonym.

Yeah, like they sound the same, but they're all different words.

Rose. What gets delivered? Flower. F-L-U-O. Flower. Wait. F-L-U-R. F-L-O-U-R. No, I already said flower, too.

Smell me. Buy me. Smell me. Buy me.

Deliver me. Deliver me. Pizza. Baby.

When something's been delivered, I already blanked it.

Paid for it. Fucked it. You already, when something's been delivered, you already... Blanked it?

Yeah. Blanket it? Well, when something's been delivered to someone, if I delivered it to someone, I already... Paid.

No.

Bought. I...

Fuck.

No. I'm delivering it to someone. I put it in the mail and then it's... Sent it?

Yeah. Sent. S-C-E-N-T. You smell something? Sent. S-E-N-T. I don't get to buy one though.

C-E-N-T.

You buy a scent? Why would anyone buy a scent?

That's what the confusing part was.

Okay, okay. I get it. Okay. So scent is the answer. Yes.

What?

I'm kind of upset.

Yeah, I told you you'd be.

So let's take a quick break. We're gonna take a break. I'm gonna... Do you want to go punch the hell out of your anger bag? Gonna go punch my anger bag. I'm the anger bag. No, no, stop. We're tired. Let's not go there. The anger bag is a real thing.

That's a KJ laugh and that's all that matters.

It's a plastic dual bag full of day-old meat and Adal punches it to get his anger out.

Stop calling me a bag.

That's a compliment. Day-old? Day old. Me say day old. Day old bread and I punch me in your back.

I'm sorry, that is not a good joke. I'm sorry.

Alright, we're gonna take a break. I'm just gonna punch myself. And we'll be right back with more Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Erin. You're a pretty unique person, would you agree?

Yeah, I'm pretty and unique.

You're unique?

Okay.

Or you nitty? Yeah. What do you sleep on?

Um, sometimes it's just like a bunch of newspapers stacked on top of each other of like when I've been in the news. Um, and sometimes it's JPC. That's a pretty thin amount of newspapers.

Oh, okay, yeah. Local girl falls downstairs. What? I said local girl falls downstairs. Does it on purpose, goes to jail. Well, Erin, because of your unique, uh, pretty makeup, I don't know how to phrase this, you should be sleeping on the Helix mattress that JPC and I got you.

Yeah. I mean, we know that sometimes people have been like, don't sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, but they mean don't side sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, don't hot sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle. Because we know that everybody sleeps different. Well, the Helix Sleep Mattress is designed for people who sleep in a variety of different ways.

And you can take a quiz. And it's not the type of quiz that you can fail, so don't worry about that. I worry about that. But it's just a quiz to get to know what kind of sleeper you are.

You took the Helix Sleep quiz, Erin, and you got a don't sleep, right?

The first F ever.

You can find that quiz at helixsleep.com slash riddle. It only takes two minutes, and it's going to match your specific makeup to a mattress that's right for you.

Yeah, that's why they call it Helix Sleep, because it relies on double helix, so you just enter your DNA into the quiz, and then it tells you what kind of mattress is your soulmate, basically.

And it tells you what kind of mattresses your ancestors slept on. I mean, you'll see that in your dreams.

Yeah, that'll be something that, they don't promise that, but that is something that comes in most people's dreams.

And they have a 10-year warranty, and you get to try it for 100 nights risk-free.

They have a 10-year warranty?

There is a little loophole here because they say 100 nights, but you also get the 100 days as well. So you can sleep at the mattress 24 hours a day for 100 days.

And for me specifically, for Adal Rifai, those are Arabian days and Arabian nights.

That's not something any of the rest of us feel comfortable saying.

And if you sleep next to a partner, half the mattress can be for you, and the other half, the mattress can be for your partner.

Or, you know, you can do three quarters. Just with sprawl. With arms and legs. But right now, Helix is offering up to $125 off all mattress orders. That's $125 off. To get your $125 off at helixsleep.com slash riddle. That's helixsleep.com slash riddle for up to $125 off your mattress order. Don't sleep on this deal. That's not theirs, that's mine.

I guess the way I sleep is I clutch a pillow and I kiss it.

Yeah.

I do the same thing, but the pillows in between my legs.

How I sleep is, you know when you get someone in that like choke hold, like with your leg?

Oh, like Zena did for James Bond in that movie?

Yeah. That's what my blankets do to me.

That's helixsleep.com slash riddle. Of course on the pillow, I write not a pillow. So when I kiss it, it makes sense.

Naturally, you're pretty unique.

Helixsleep.com slash Riddle.

And we are still on a break for five more days.

Okay, this one's really long.

Okay, well we're gonna break for five more days, so yeah. Is it too long?

Yes.

You know, too longs don't make a right. Here we go. Hold on, I'm not settled. Hold on, I'm gonna go punch my anger back. Oh, real quick, did anybody order this artichoke dip? Did anyone order this artichoke dip? Yeah, otherwise I'm a yellow waitress. Where's the pun?

Oh, I thought you were gonna make a pun.

Where's the pun? I'm just trying to get our Applebee's order, right?

When Adal is speaking, all my brain's going. I ordered this. Where's the pun?

I ordered the sheet cookie, skillet cookie.

Sheet cookie? You ordered sheet cookie? Excuse me, can I have a sheet cookie? I walk in Applebee's, I order three things. Sheet cookie, spill cookie, salad cookie. You do the math, I'll do the Alfredo.

Somebody put that on a plate.

Applebee's, when you're here, you're friends.

You do the math, I'll do the Alfredo. Are we ready? Yes. A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He was asked if they were Yes. He was after they were willing to try it out. They were both very in favor of it.

The doctor said the pain- They were both very in favor of it?

Yeah. Okay. It also has so many typos in it. So just forgive me. Gotcha. The doctor said the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try it out for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.

I'm going to stop you real quick. Is there a puzzle coming?

Yes.

I have a lot to say about this. I'm holding by. Because so far this is just torture porn.

Hold on! Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged... So it was?

It was taking the pain away from her?

Yeah, it was taking the pain away from her. Okay. Helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged... I got it. I know the answer. Hold on. Stop it. The doctor to transfer all the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

That's what? Wait, what's the riddle? That's the end of the riddle? What's the question?

Well, there's one more line that gives it away, so I'm not going to read it.

But what's the, what are we supposed to solve?

Wait, why wasn't he in any pain?

Where was the... Because this machine is bullshit. Yeah, this is not a real machine.

The doctor who said this is a homeless person.

This is, this is fake. This is fucking made up. No way you got this on WebMD. The doctor was, so here's what it is. The man... The doctor was the mother. The man was Kari Elwes. This is the little princess bride. The doctor was a six-fingered man. He used that machine with the water. He put the suction at the wife's vagina. Yes. And the father died, but then he got brought back to life by Billy Crystal. Oh yeah.

The man was homeless.

The pain was so bad, the pain was so bad that the man died. That's why transferring the rest of the pain didn't do anything because he was already dead.

Good guess.

Yeah. Well, I got the answer right.

Yeah. Was he dead?

Was he dead?

No. Was anyone dead?

No.

Good, the baby lives dead. Papa dead for pussies?

Papa dead for pussies, dead stop for pussies. No. Okay, okay. So the woman was feeling pain.

Yes.

And she was feeling considerably less pain as the thing went up. But the man was not feeling any pain. No. It's because the man's not giving birth.

Well, no. No, it transfers the pain. It's supposed to be transferring the pain to him.

Did it say when it said they changed for 10%? Did it say that the man experienced the worst pain he's ever felt? Or should be experiencing the worst pain? He should be experiencing. So he wasn't the whole time.

Has this man actually experienced worse pain than a child being born? Like has he listened to his wife's stories or something?

Did he have to go to the mall with his wife once?

Did he have to hold the purse? I know, I think I know the answer. The man was married, the man's wife was a minion, and minions bring so much joy that you can't feel pain when you're alone. Are there any female minions? When you're married to a minion. Are there any female minions? Excuse me? All I know is that one is named Kevin. My girlfriend is a million. Actually, apologize, my girlfriend's a million. Slumdog. Where did you meet your minion girlfriend? Villains workshop. Despicable creep.

Any more guesses?

Listen, my girlfriend is a minion. Yes. Do I love her uncontrollably? Absolutely not.

Are you trying to get a part and despicable of me for where you play the boyfriend of a minion?

Yes. A human boyfriend of a minion? Yes. Can we do a quick audition? Erin, you're going to be a minion, and I'm going to be your boyfriend. God, I forget what I sound like. You need to sound like a minion sounds. Okay, I'll guess. And JPC, you're the director? I'm the director, and I'm also casting the movie, apparently. You're very despicable. I'm talking about this industry. Here we go. Excuse me. Cut. I'm sorry. Am I dating an Ewok? What's going on here? What's that? Am I dating an Ewok? You're auditioning for a part. No, I don't want to. The Minions already got the part, okay? Uh-huh. You're auditioning. Okay, and this is Stocker Channing? This is Stocker Channing, yes. Okay. Can I get a different actress in here? Yeah, we can. Who do you prefer? Olivia Newton-John? Yeah, we'll get Olivia Newton-John. Is she still alive?

Hi, yeah, right? Okay. Xanadu.

Yep. There she is. And action.

Oh! Oh! Okay.

Um, I can't do this.

I'm sort of right though, right?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Where's your Australian accent? Uh-oh.

And action. She just went up a pneumatic tube. Action. There's a pneumatic bank tube. She just... Oh! And begin. That's Momo from Magic Tavern.

Yeah, but am I close?

Where's your accent? I'm a big fan of that show, by the way. Yeah? Yeah, Magic Tavern.

What do Minions sound like? Oh!

I've never seen the movie. I've never seen the movie. They always say ootini.

Ootini. Ootini. Martini. I can't do this.

And scene. So is Adal correct in that it is a minion? No. Okay. Is the man... Does he have a different wife? No. Is he like paralyzed? Is there anything... Is part of his body not working? Is there anything physically wrong with the man? Is there anything physically wrong with the woman? Oh, how long is his penis?

I can call and ask. Is it just called a hotline? I make that call a lot.

The RandomDukeGenerator.com hotline. Oh boy.

Can we get a hint? The machine doesn't connect to him.

Oh, that's why. The machine doesn't connect him. But does the machine work?

The machine works.

This is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

It's not dumb. When I tell you what the last line, I pick the last one.

Is this from Riddles with holes in them or whatever?

Nathan Levy. Where does the machine connect to the woman? Is that important?

It connects to her.

Is it important that it connects to her, not to him?

Not to him. And it's supposed to transfer the pain to the father.

And the pain does get to the father.

Yes. But he doesn't feel it. I just gave it away.

Does it go to a specific part of his body that doesn't exist like a uterus?

No. Shit!

The machine wasn't hooked up correctly.

So she's sitting next to her husband.

She's sitting while she gives birth? She should lay down.

She's laying down. She should stand up. Gravity! My dear boy. She's right next to her husband. The machine's connected to her and is sending pain to the father.

Is Morrie there with an envelope and he says, good news, you are not the father.

Is that it? It is Morrie. The father didn't feel pain because he's not the father.

Yeah, the last line of the riddle is, when they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

Wow. The mailman died a child.

The pain transfers the pain to the baby's father. The wife cheated on her husband with the mailman and it was his baby.

Wow, dog killed the mailman. Yeah, the dog killed the mailman.

We'll never know who the father is.

Let's go to church.

Is that still a trope? Do a lot of people still fuck the mailman?

Because that's like the old joke, it's like, your baby looks a lot like the mailman. Yeah, in 2019 it's the milkman. You know how we all get milk delivered?

Yeah.

Well, it's actually, it's the milkman.

That's the guy who's the milfman.

It's the milfman. It's stippler.

My parents get a delivery from Hornstress Farms.

Horny Farms?

Horny Farms. Hornstar Farms? What was it? Hornstress Farms. It's a place in Massachusetts and it was very in vogue when I was younger to get your milk and like ice cream delivered from them.

That makes sense. What would the slogan be if En Vogue slowed salt pill? Jesus Christ.

I'm never gonna get it. I don't know. Yep, that's exactly it.

Was that them?

Can I see a scene?

No. I like how this mailman died from the pain. Yeah. Of childbirth.

Yeah. Well, finally, someone understands.

Also, it's funny that he was at their door when he was receiving all that pain. Yeah. He was probably waiting in bed, probably.

The timing.

If you're the mailman and you get someone pregnant then you can pretty much fuck them without a condom. Oh no.

For like a few months. That got a lesser degree, ugh, than chuckles.

So I want to see a scene and Adal you are giving birth and you are hooked up to this machine JBC and it's slow I am hooked up.

Oh, it's so bad. Gerald, it's so bad. Is it? Yeah, it hurts. Maybe I just have an insane pain threshold. Can you take some of the pain? Yeah. Doctor, can we go up to maybe 50%?

I suppose so. Okay. I mean, it's really not so bad.

Here comes more pain.

I feel a little bit better. Do you? Can we crank it up to 100? I honestly don't feel anything. That's my dream. I'll do it. How do you feel now? I feel nothing. Oh my God. Oh my god. What? I'm invincible.

I'm invincible. You know I've never broken a bone?

I don't think I can feel pain. Honey, is this because we watched Unbreakable last night?

No, it's not because of that, but I am getting ready for glass and I'm very excited about it.

You're excited for glass? I'm excited for glass. Now I'm experiencing pain again, doctor. Oh wait, crank it up, Don. Who's excited for glass? I can't feel pain.

You know what you should do is jump off the top of the building. What?

What? What did you say?

Jump off the top of the building and if you don't get hurt, you were right.

Okay. You're at a hospital and you get hurt.

Gerald, don't jump off the building.

It's a hospital, okay? Even if I do and I do get hurt, I'll just come to the hospital.

I'm invincible. Even if you're invincible, you can still... Did you watch Spider-Man Into the Spider-Verse? Yes. The first time he jumps off a building, he doesn't know how to use his powers correctly. Yeah, and he falls and he's fine. And that's a little kid. I'm a 48 year old man.

Having a kid. Way too late in life. Social commentary. No, old dads.

I'm jumping up.

I'm going to the top of this building and I'm jumping off on my way there. If I see a cop, I'm taking his gun. It's something I've always wanted to do. I always think about doing it when I'm sitting next to a cop.

Oh miss, your mailman's here to see you.

Oh, that checks out. Typical. I told them if they're saying deliveries. Let that tall sexy drink of water in here.

Hey, oh, oh, hi.

Hey Dave. My wife's just getting ready to... You can come in.

You've seen my vagina before.

Yeah, like classic mailman. That's where I deliver your mail. Yeah, the mail slot.

That's what we call it in our house.

What are you doing here? What's it?

What are you gonna buy doing in here? She's giving a baby and I'm the husband.

Giving a baby?

Yeah, we're not giving up for an option because I'm too old to take care.

You know what I call birthing a baby, giving a baby? Because you're giving a baby to the world. Yes, the world is taking care of this baby.

I got it from here, Belle.

I'm sorry, Dave?

I've got it from here.

Thank you. Because I need to go take a cop's gun and jump off this hospital.

Oh, what a labyrinth of a scene. So many layers to it. It was like a layer of cookie.

If I see a comp like out in public, I go up to them every time and I say, excuse me officer, I was just dating by that guy and he was talking about taking your gun.

I'm just silently staring at them. I thought they were going to talk longer. No.

Okay. Do you have another riddle?

Did that riddle make you mad?

Did it make me horny, baby? Yeah. No, I don't think it made me mad, but I think I was pretty satisfied that we got to it and I'm glad you did not do the last line that absolutely gave it away.

What if Austin Powers was about a man named Austin who had superpowers?

What if it was about a man who lived in Austin and he worked at a... It's about superheroes in Austin.

Power washing store. Store? Yeah, you bring in your concrete and we'll power wash it for you. Doing a blue collar job is a power. Yes, that's true.

True. Are we ready for another long one? Sali.

Yes, I'm ready for another Sali long one.

Two spies want to get in an enemy's military base.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

In order to get in, they have to give the correct countersign to the guard at the gate after he gives them a sign. So, they wait hidden nearby the gate so that they will overhear the countersign from another soldier. One soldier comes and the guard... Sorry.

So countersign, we're talking like give a penny, take a penny?

Yeah, like they're exactly like that. Counter sign. Has anyone ever, I don't know, I don't think I've ever given a penny.

Oh, but I always give more than a penny because whoever has a penny, but if it's like dimes and nickels, they won't take it.

They won't take it?

No, it's a give a penny, take a penny, and they're pretty serious about that rule.

Wow.

That can't be true. You're making that up? I want this conversation to end.

Oh God. One soldier comes and the guard gives the sign 6. The soldier answers 3. The guard lets him pass.

Another soldier comes.

The guard says 12 and the soldier gives the answer 6. The guard lets him pass. So the first guy goes to the gate and the guard says 10. The spy, sure that he knew what the answer was, says five. Immediately the guard shoots him dead. Then the other spy, who saw that the spy was killed when he was given the countersign, had now understood what the right answer would have been. This is messed up. Then the other spy who saw that the other spy was killed when he gave the counter sign had now understood what the right answer would be, whatever the guard sign was. So he walks to the gate and the guard says eight. The spy gives the correct answer and the guard lets him in. What was the answer the spy gave?

So it was 6 and a 3, 12 and a 6. So it's not having, which is what the first guy thought it was.

And then he went 10 and then he says 5 and that was wrong.

So 6 to 3, 12 to 6.

10. Was not 5, but that's the answer he gave.

And what was the last one was?

8. So we're figuring out what the answer to 8 is.

I got it. Do you have 4? Shoot!

You're a bad spy!

Yeah.

What do you think, GPC?

Well the guard said, I'm doing the Alfredo, the guard said 6-12-10-8. 6, 12, 10, 8. The order in which you say these things doesn't matter.

Yeah, because it doesn't matter, because it's a code, it's a 101 code. It has nothing to do with it. There's something, it's indicating something that's not just the numbers. That's totally correct, Adal. What, do you have a hint for us?

Um, it really feels like any hint I give you might give it away, but you're on the right track.

Are these all whole numbers?

No.

They're not.

You were on the right track.

So it has to do with the first letter, or maybe like 10 huts. Well she said they're not all whole numbers, so like you could do like a 5.5.

No, no, no, they're all gonna be, sorry, I misunderstood your question, they're all gonna be whole numbers.

What did you think I said?

How do I talk to you?

Never from the, never from the most holes?

Whatever it means to have this conversation then.

Ah boy, okay. I mean, if I was the last spy, I'd go up there and say, "#69420," and then I'd shoot the fucking guard in the head.

Then you bury him, dab on his grave. Dab on his grave.

I save the day, I take the bombs, I get the nukes.

All right, I want to see a scene. You're two James Bond-esque spies, both very confident, but you've been paired together for this mission, and you're trying to decide who goes up to the guard first.

There could only be one James Bond type. That's always James Bond. He's a fucking original. Yeah, well, we'll see how this scene ends, huh? So what are we doing? We're taking a bomb?

The two of you have been put on this mission together and you're trying to figure out who's going to go up to the guard first.

All right, old boy, it's obvious that neither one of us is going to be able to crack this code. That's right, good chap. So, we have to figure out which one of us is going to be the sacrificial lamb that Mary had going up to the guard. Hmm, well lamb sounds good. I'm not in the mood for fine dining. The way I see it, I'll go up to the guard, seduce him, and then sneak into the base myself. Hmm, seduce, huh? Try it. Oh, okay, just like that? Wait, hold on. A deuce is a two. Taking a shit. Shitter miss. Miss Saigon. Musical. California. I think I want you to call it. David Duchovny. And Chovy. V for Vendetta. I don't even know what the connection between some of the words that you're saying is. It's old boy. It's 42. Whatever they say, answer 42. Go on now. Okay. Hello. I'm just here to do the Russian military business that we're all here to do. You there, God! He's going to take your gun! Oh! Lamb!

I don't know.

The number riddles are very difficult.

I would not even call it a number riddle.

Can you give us another call and response? But there's a pattern, right?

Think of letters.

I did.

Think again of letters. You got it. I'm so proud of you. You got it. I'm really proud of you. My two friends just got the answer and I'm very proud of them.

KJ, I used to like that sound by uploading it to all porn. That goes at the end of all porn. I'm so proud.

Tweet us porn clips with that spliced into the end of it. We need someone to go into Pornhub. You need to put that at the end of every ejaculation. I'm soap. My two friends just had sex. Does porn have credits ever? Oh yeah. Okay.

I guess I never really stick around.

Also there's a lot of bonus scenes. There's a lot of piece of ground after the credits. We want you to join the next porn.

Wow, it's amazing how many people worked on that.

What if Samuel L. Jackson was at the end of a lot of boards just doing, playing that part. People are like, yes, like $100,000. He's like, I'll take the money. I'll do it. We wouldn't approve you.

Oh man, that really made me laugh.

Okay, cool.

Okay, cool.

We definitely nailed that.

We're gonna move on.

Hey Erin and JPC.

Not now. What do you think? Not now.

Not after what just happened. Can you tell me when?

I'm good now.

So what if tiny pieces, tiny little grains of rock started to practice the sweet science?

Oh, is this the Sandbox segment?

Yeah, it's the Sandbox. Why didn't you just say that? Thank you, Erin. That would be a fun little, hey, Sandy's here, Sandy Wise. I'm here. I'm here, guys. Jesus Christ. No, no, no, he looks like me, though. That's true. I buried him up to his neck. In sand. I can't see my notes, but I can talk. Hi, guys. Hello. Hi, Sandy. How you doing? So good. We're good. I mean... Do you want to go to the beach sometime? Instead of just hanging out in the sandbox? No, I actually hate the beach. Do you really? Anytime I've gone on vacation with a significant other, they're like, let's go to Hawaii. And I'm like, I don't... So you go on vacation, and then they're like, let's go to Hawaii? I want content tours. I want culture. I want food. I love New Orleans. So you're exhausting. So I'm exhausting.

Can I, a quick side note, I'm going to New Orleans very soon and I told our friend Mike Jimmerson at like a rehearsal that I was going there and Adal or someone, Adal Farrell or someone was like Uh, Adal just sent me the longest email of suggestions. He, like, he won't stop if you start talking to him about New Orleans. And I was like, what the fuck? And I was like, can you just forward?

Jimmerson sent me, Jimmerson sent me one text and said, do you have any recommendations for New Orleans? So I sent him one email to say I won't stop.

No, no, Farrell said that or something about like, he was just like, he'll just go on and on. And then I was like, can you just send me, can you just forward me the email? So Jimmerson forwarded it to me. No, I'll give it to you.

Anyone who responds to a text with an email is an insane person, Adal, just so you know my name. If you saw how long the email was?

Yeah, it is. But it's actually very helpful.

And now I know where to get the oysters. Oh yeah, and let me know how you like it. I guess let Mike know and then Michael let me know. Since you don't want to talk to me, you don't want a direct line to... You don't even know which one I am or you're like... That floodgate of... And then Adal. Sandy, what were we doing? Oh, well, let me shake all this sand off. I'm here to give you some puzzles. Oh good. You want some? That was glass you were covered in. You are cut badly. Okay. I'm gonna go to the hospital after this. I guess glass is sand. That's right. Heated. Yeah. What do we got in the puzzle box? Okay, so I got some movie quotes for you. Seems easy enough. Can't be... Not really a game, but okay. Right, I'm just... I wrote a script. Did you fuck my wife? Very good.

Sandy, thanks for coming in. Seems like a cat that I brought back on the house and it's like, I brought this for you.

Oh, it's dead. Seems like maybe you're scraping the bottom of the bucket of what you are able to provide to the table here, Sandy. Sorry, I choreographed this short little dance. Maybe having you back for the fifth time was a big mistake. I have some labels for food. Okay, I'm assuming this is very cool.

If it is just movie quotes, I'm gonna feel like a real asshole. Okay, so here's an example. I'm gonna give you a reinterpretation of a movie quote, and then I'll also give you the decade that it came out, and then you gotta tell me the real quote. So if I said, for example, what the beaver said to the doe at the gift exchange When asked if a certain gift was his, you would say, frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn. That's a bad one, and they get better. Wow, okay. No, no, no.

It was a long walk, but I, yeah.

Can you just, can you just give the straightforward quote and we'll try and guess what the actor's motivation was? Oh God. All right, so, should we go from, uh, in chronological order? And that's from the scarlet letter? From the thirties upward. Okay. All right, here's the thirties. What the lost driver said to his passenger when crossing into Missouri. When lost, the driver said to his passenger, when crossing into Missouri, a famous quote from the 30s. Hey, I'm walking here. What's on the other side of Missouri? On the other side of Missouri, we're not in Kansas anymore. I don't think we're in Kansas anymore because he's lost. I don't think we're in Kansas anymore. One of Erin's most coveted ideas is to play the witch in Wizard of Oz.

You're a good listener, that's my dream.

And you don't know who I am.

I was talking to Adal the other day. Adal and Farrell sense in my face.

I know Adal. One of Adal's dreams is to bore the hell out of people with his bullshit.

All right, listen.

I'm ready.

Okay, the 40s now. Okay. What the person said after being asked his favorite flower and beer. Favorite flower. Rosebud Weiser. Rosebud. Rosebud. Just Rosebud.

The look that Sandy gave you was pure venom. Rose.

I'm ready. What the farmer said to the baby goat. That'll do pig.

He was looking at you kid.

Nailed it. Wow.

I've recently watched that movie. It sucks. That movie sucks. Wait, what? Casablanca sucks. Get out of here. Come at me, everyone. That movie is lame.

For those who can't tell, everyone just glare daggers at Erin.

The montage of them falling in love is the biggest bunch of bullshit I've ever seen. They both look miserable.

Also for those who can't see, Erin wore a blue shirt that says Father of the Bride on it. Obviously a homemade shirt. I don't know. For those who can't see. Are there some people who can? The people that subscribe to the special feed. I've never seen Casablanca. I assume it sucks as well because it's black and white and it looks boring. Moving on to the 70s. But is my favorite Street Fighter character? Ah, yes.

I don't know just that whole decade the 70s cinematically is pretty lost on me.

Yeah, if it's not Shaft, I'm out. Can we just, I'm sorry, can we just see a 15 minute monologue of Blanca, the Street Fighter character, going home after a long day of electrocuting people. So this is Blanca in his Casa. JPC, you'll play Blanca. I don't know that I want to do the Blanca voice. Sandy, what else you got?

Alright, 70s.

What the tennis tournament winner said in response to the loser when the latter apologized. Wimbledon, I'm home. Did you say it one more time? Yeah, what the tennis tournament winner said in response to the loser when the latter apologized. So the loser to the tournament is apologizing. He's really bad at tennis. And the winner says, oh, don't apologize. Very famous quote from the 70s.

Is it the Godfather?

I know it was you. You broke my heart. Love. You're on the right track.

15 Love.

Love. You didn't know any quotes about love?

Love and nothing.

When I think 15 Love, I think Woody Allen. Manhattan. Love. My ass. The movie title, in fact, has the word love in it. Love, actually, in the 70s. Love. Love. I don't know the answer. It's a famous movie. Very famous movie, very famous quote. You guys know it back there? No. It's a movie with a love and a title. Who's going to give us someone who's in a movie? Ryan O'Neill. Oh, is that Tatum's dad?

Damn. Give us a hint about the plot of the movie.

It's about a young couple who falls in love and then she gets sick and they're both at Harvard. Joe Pesci, what's that called? Do you call me Joe Pesci? It's been my nickname. You call me Joe Pesci? How am I Joe Pesci? Tell me how I'm Joe Pesci to you. I'll just give you words in the quote until you get to it. The first word is love. Love means war.

Love means never having to say your song.

What movie? Love Story. I've never seen that again. You did know the quote?

Yeah, I've never heard that. I mean, I have heard that.

I knew the quote as well. I thought that was just like a life quote. I didn't know it was a movie quote.

What the fuck is a life quote? What the fuck is a life quote? Yeah, I think so. Who knows? No one knows for sure. No one knows. Sandy, look it up.

What do you mean to look up? Is Katherine Hepburn in that movie? No, she is not. Great, alright. I looked it up.

You did look it up.

It seems you looking it up made... It seems awful like looking at Al... Ah, my boy. Fuck that. Feral. Feral.

Speaking of Katherine Hepburn, Hepburn makes me think of Harpburn. Harpburn makes me think of, while you're in New Orleans, don't go to Acme Oyster House. You want to go to Felix's across the street. I read that in the email. You're going to get the charred rolled oysters. They are the best. You're going to get a little side of bread. You're going to put the oysters on the bread. You're going to eat that. You're going to get some Abita Purple Haze perhaps. Watch that down. Have a good time.

I love oysters so much.

Maybe get a sidecar or a size wreck.

Am I rich all of a sudden in this scenario that I won the lottery before I go?

Is this what your Patreon's for? Yes. It's a good oysters. All right. What the IT consultants suggested you do when considering the second button on the Google homepage. Nerds crush Nerds. Revenge of the Nerds. Do you feel lucky punk? You're very close. What's the full quote? You got to ask yourself one question. Do I feel lucky? You got to ask yourself one question. Do I feel lucky? Nice. Is that button still there? I'm feeling lucky. I feel like I wrote that question.

I want to do 100,000 more of these.

It's got to be still there. Yeah. Okay. This is the 70s as well. What the record store shopper said about the paltry George Michael selection? Chicken freedom. No, not poultry. Empire. Paltry.

Okay, George Michael, what is he saying? Faith? Freedom, faith. Oh, so faith? Faith is right.

Know any quotes that have the word faith in it? You've got no faith in me. This is the 70s.

No, it's something about no faith. Faith no more.

Give me a hint about the essence of this movie. What's its deal?

It's in space. It's 2001 of Faith Odyssey. In Faith, no one can hear you scream.

It's the first Star Wars because that was in the 70s.

Okay. Have Faith Luke.

May the Faith be with you.

Oh, is it May the Faith be with you from Star Wars?

No, it's Why Don't You Have Any Wham? It's these three will be better than the next three. No, it's by your friend and mine, Darth Vader. Wake me up before you, Boba.

Luke, I am your faith.

I love you, faith. I'm faith. I'm going to church.

You have to have faith in the dark side or you're stupid.

I'm going to do what I faith. Well there's no faith. The issue is that there's a lack of faith. Imagine you're in a record store and there's no faith and you're like, I find your lack of faith disturbing. It's the character John Candy plays, Barf. I'm my own best friend. I would like another one. Here's another one. This is the 80s now. Okay. Wait, what was the quote?

I found you like a face disturbing.

What the basketball player said when introducing his buddy, the horse jockey.

Um, white man can't jump.

Okay, so it's So it's a basketball player.

And he's introducing his friend.

He's got a friend and he's introducing him. Say hello to my little friend. Nailed it. Which is from? Madagascar. Did you say Madagascar? You're not far off. No, no, no, Madagascar. Madagascar face. Madagascar face. That's pretty good. That's a game.

I would love a game that is a kids movie mashed up with a very violent movie.

G with R. We'll call it great but the GNR capitalized and in those little boxes. Let's do one more. What the manager, this is the 90s now, what the manager said to the singer after her bad performance of, I will always love you. You're fired. Bodyguard.

Wait, what decade is this? I'm sorry.

90s. Is it from the bodyguard? No. Whitney Houston, we have a problem. Houston, we have a problem. From Apollo 13. Let me give you one more. What the teacher said to his failing students, and this is the early aughts. What the teacher said to the failing students, What the teacher said to his failing students. I have nipples. I want you to do it in voice, in character. I have nipples, fucker. Could you milk me? Really, anything. Mr. Sullivan, come into my office.

You can't teach here anymore.

What the teacher said to his failing... I feel like if you have a classroom of failing students, any quote from... F. Yeah. Something about F. Oh, it's a... Minuses. Oh, I got it. You shall not pass. Yes.

That's such a good one.

That's my favorite. I like that one. Get it off Lundgren.

Get it off Lundgren. Anything to plug?

Anything to plug? Anything to plug?

We're ridiculous.

I'm a Swedish plumber. Anything to plug? The Swedes are gonna be all over us for that one but it was worth it.

It's worth it to take those bastards down.

I got you know my regular day gig of making like puzzles for team building so if you if you're interested in that you can go to my website mysteryleague.com and I put puzzles up on Twitter until I die. Until you die every day, how many lives do you leave? It's like a 51st date scenario. Every day I wake up and I ask myself, am I dead yet? It's like, am I dead yet? But with trivia, put your little hand in my hand and do some puzzles on the internet. Sandy, thank you so much for swinging by. Thank you for having me. We'll see you soon. See you soon. Bye forever. Bye.

Thank you, Sandor. Goodbye.

Okay.

Wait till the door closes. What a schmuck.

Awesome. I love being a bully. Okay, so.

That feels so good about me. Nothing's gonna change.

Turns out people have heard of this show and have been listening.

Wait. What? Well, we stole this show. This was an Italian game show that we co-opted in English. There we go.

And we have gotten some mail. What's our mail jingle?

Hey, who got mail? Did we got mail?

Great. Put that at the end of every porn.

Wait, let me do it again.

Hey, we got mailed. Yeah, there you go. We got a couple letters and we got one from Claire and where is she from?

Claire is from Scotland, from Shrekville.

Deeply impressive. And Claire didn't just send a lovely letter.

No.

Claire sent gifts.

She sent us for Christmas. Claire sent us some packages. We open our packages. I have, they're all, what do you call these? Cross-stitches? Just incredible labor-intensive cross-stitching. Mine is like a Scottish tartan or plaid, I guess. Um, that says old man puzzles in the middle and it's absolutely stunning.

What does yours say JPC?

Mine says Papa Horny for pussies, uh, and it's got two goose on it.

Swan! They're swan. Two goose. JPC opened it and was like, ah geese! And they are so clearly swan. We're going to post a picture on our Instagram.

How do you tell the difference between a swan and a goose?

One broke up with me and the other never agreed to date with me.

Uh, we should preface this by saying that Erin dated Anthony Daniels from Top Gun. Um,

And I also got a Christmas ornament with a picture of, or a cross stitch of spaghetti on it that says it's a spaghetti Christmas.

Spaghetti being your dog nut pasta? Dog nut pasta.

Erin, what did you get? I got one that is the best. I think I got the coolest, most amazing one. It says Keif in it real, but then it has tons of inside jokes from the show on it. And when we post it on the Instagram, I'll let you see for yourself all of the.

Oh, you'll let them see?

I'll let them see for themselves. What a fun treat for all the listeners.

Erin's finally going to let you see the Instagram. Take it off private. So thank you so much, Claire. And she also included a very nice letter, but I think it was meant just for us to be read, so we won't, but thank you so much. That's incredible. Claire, I hope you have a great day.

Claire, I can't believe you made this. It's incredible.

I would be so... I can't believe you made this and in the morning, I'm making love ones.

I would be so bad at this. And she did such a good job. Podcasts.

Let's go around and let's say things that we'd be bad at. Math.

Mortician. Delivering baby.

Emotionally connecting to another human being.

Being patient. Not having anxiety. Enjoying this podcast. Loving Adal's dad. Loving Adal's dad.

I'm not saying my wife when someone says my wife.

Yep. And thank you, Claire. And also thank you for putting my name first in the letter. I really appreciate it. So dear Erin, JPC and Adal. Nope. It's not. Um, so that was awesome. Uh, if you have any gifts you want to send us or Australian treats, I want, I just miss Australian sweets a lot.

Is Treat Williams Australian? Yes. If you're a man and your name is Treat, you're from Australia. You come here, you date and marry Erin.

Please, but also if you are from Australia and you want to send us caramel koalas, it's my favorite candy.

I'll make you caramel koalas.

No, you won't. Yeah, just like you made do on all your other promises.

Can I just say, I went over to JPC's place the other day and he did dip a koala in caramel. It was screaming. The sound, I cannot get out of my head. I won't get it out of my head. I put this out on a Spotify playlist.

This is a very animal-based episode.

I would never heard of it. You were the Rip Van Puzzies, so you did that.

It's my fault. And we got another letter from Australia. From Australia, speaking of Australia.

It was such an international hit. I wonder what... We did lose all of our Italian listeners 50 minutes ago though.

This is from Kevin and then in parentheses under it says seriously my name is Kevin. Wow. So this is not just any kind of letter.

By the way I responded to an email once that someone had sent to the show and their name wasn't Kevin and I started it with hey Kevin and they emailed me back and they were like hey sorry my name's not Kevin and I was like oh yeah that was on purpose wink and they emailed me back like oh I guess I don't get it and I was like you don't like the show I was like we call I called you Kevin from the show and they were like, oh my god, I'm so sorry. And I was like, don't worry about it. It's the last time I'll do that.

I only listen to a theme song and then I turn it off. It's the last time I'll ever try to be clever and reply email.

This is the letter we got from Kevin. Hey there gang. Fun. Fun intro. Just popping in to say hi from Australia. I am a massive fan. Absolutely love the show. I recommend it to my patients all the time. Whoa! Pissing them off with riddles from the lightning round. Side effect. They now all hate riddies and puzzies. Am I sorry? Of course not. So, I've attached a couple of things. It would be magical if you could open the envelopes on air. They're associated with these two riddles below.

We won't do that. Thank you so much for that. Yeah, thank you. Alright, alright, Kevin. We love the ask, but we're good.

We're all about exposition, but never following through.

Whatever, just like, thank you so much for the letter, Kevin, and then we stopped. And then Erin just ate it.

And then we said Jupiter, and then goodnight. All right, ready? This is Riddle 1, pink envelope. Envelope?

Australian. Australian accent.

Crikey.

No.

Envelope. Ultimate. All right. Far out, mate. Laser beam. Laser flights. Roller skates. We're so bad at these accents. A man sets up camp and travels one mile south.

Earnest.

He encounters a bear, which bites his leg off and makes off with it. Injured, the man then crawls east one mile and then north one mile back to his camp. What color was the bear?

Red because of all the blood.

Ooh, creepy.

Can you say queepy?

Queepy. It's too queepy for me. Also, so many animals.

Wait, why does it matter? What color was the bear? Because are they going to go hunt down this bear and they don't want to get the wrong colored bear? Well, it's not a black bear because black bears are vegetarians.

Did you watch grizzly men? Timothy Treadwell was attacked by a grizzly bear. Do you ever notice how Werner Herzog sounds like a robot? So he goes southeast and north? My name is Werner Herzog.

He's not going to be by his camp at all. He's a mile away. A man sets up camp and then travels one mile south. He encounters a bear which bites his leg off and makes off with it. Injured, the man crawls east one mile and then north one mile, back to his camp.

Oh, polar bear, it's white. Yeah. So here's the thing about a compass rose, my good boy. It's magnetic. And in Antarctica, the magnetic pole is a little bit different. And I'm right. Am I not, Erin?

Why do you think it's a polar bear?

Because he crawled east and then north back to his camp. And so only polar bears would live in Antarctica, right?

Why is it definitely Antarctica?

Because I think that otherwise he'd go south, east, and north and he wouldn't be at his camp. But if he's at Antarctica, and if he's, I don't know.

I know. Because polar bears are like men. Grizzly bears like butts. Yeah. But. Kodiak bears. Polar bears aren't white. They're. Off white. Their hair is translucent. Their skin is white. So they're still white. Yep, I fucked that up as soon as I was saying it.

All right, there's a pink envelope with cats on it, I'm assuming because of Ritty Kitty. Okay. And inside of there is a... It's a gun.

It's an origami polar bear.

It's an origami origami. It's an origami gummy bear. I love an origami polar bear. Wow.

That's really cool.

That's awesome. We'll take a picture of that too.

So that covered three continents. It's from Australia, talks about Antarctica, and Japan, origami. And the bear was incontinent.

I wish Kevin had said what city he's from. Kevin, tell us what city you're from.

Probably Perth.

Alright, here, are we ready for the second one?

Yes. Is the answer polar bear?

I love the show. It is, I guess so. The horse is tied to a 10-foot rope.

Is that how it starts?

Yes. It is Rip Van Winkle's sex horse. The horse has died. What has this show done to me? What a great bookhead for the episode. The horse is tied to a 10-foot rope and there's a bale of hay, 20 feet away from him. The horse, however, is still able to eat the hay. How is this possible?

The rope's not tied to anything except for the horse. Yep. It's a rope untethered. Untethered ball.

I don't know. I don't know yet. The hint is the hay or horse have not moved. The horse is tied to a ten foot hook.

The hay or the horse has not moved. The hay didn't move. The horse did. I'm going to read it again. One long Gene Simmons tongue licks 10 feet, gets the hay.

The horse is tied to a 10-foot rope, and there is a bale of hay 20 feet away from him. The horse, however, is still able to eat the hay. How is this possible?

Oh, the horse is tied to a 10-foot rope. This horse is being hung for being a thief, and their reward is in heaven, which is where they float up and eat the hay after they die.

Maybe it's windy.

I know what it is. The horse wanted the hay, but what happened was it stayed put. Three other horses came in, divvied up the hay, and they fed it to them because hay is four horses. F-O-U-R. Hay is four horses, so four horses came in. No, three horses came in to feed the three horses. And haven't everyone used long forks to feed each other, but in hell everyone tries to eat their own food with the long forks.

Whoa. Whoa. Did you just open up a secret riddle?

There's a horse origami.

There's a horse origami and it's beautiful.

But that's not the answer.

No. But there's also an answer.

Is there three other horse origamis? Because then I'm right.

No. I accidentally put these animals in a position that's pretty compromising. I honestly did that by accident.

We're gonna post a picture on Instagram of this bear eating this horse's ass. And we'll post a picture of the origami stuff too. I think Adal was right with that the horse wasn't tied to anything. No, the horse is tied to the rope, but the rope's not tied to anything.

Yeah, the rope isn't tied to anything. Awesome. This is so cool.

This is very cool. Thank you so much, Kevin, for sending in that riddle all the way from merry old Australia.

He said, meow, Kevin. Seriously, my name is Kevin.

We can't stress enough. If you listen to us and you have not sent us a gift, that is a glaring omission. We will not talk to you. We will not read your emails. From now on it's gifts only. Speaking of gifts only, Adal, do you have any gifts that you can gift people with what you're up to in the near future? My gift is the gift of learning. So I will be in school, I am re-erolling in high school, posing as a... You've never been kissed?

Which I watched this week. I was inspired by her. Absolutely what we talked about.

You can come check me out at IO Theater with World News Tonight.

Who else is in that show?

Oh, Brooke Bright, Hidipina, Rob White, Brett Lyons. Who else? Oh, there's a lot of people. There's more.

No, who else?

Keep going. We have some ghosts. We have Lucky Penny we bring on stage. You can also check out my other podcast, Siblings, Speculare, and Hello from the Magic Tavern. Yeah.

Cool. For me, you can follow me on Twitter, at jpsofly. I got all my stuff up on there.

Give it a shout, give it a hoot, give it a listen, give it a wink. Did you come up with that name because you're a big fly fisherman?

Yeah, well, I'm the biggest fly fisherman. I'm the number one in the world. It's like the movie, what's that? The one with Jetby where you have to kill a person in an alternate reality to become the top spot. Highlander. Yeah, Highlander. That's not a real movie. Highlander?

It's not a real movie?

No, I've never watched it, so it's not real.

We don't think all the music's done by Queen. Claire, I just want to apologize. Claire from Scotland, we're so sorry, Erin has never seen Highlander. I'm sorry. That's the number one Scottish movie. What's the third biggest train spotting? Yes.

It's the Highlander Shrek and train spotting are the biggest exports from Scotland. Erin, what are you up to?

Not much, how are you? Follow me, Erin Keif 10 on Instagram, Erin Keif 2 on Twitter. I do world news at IO and I do a show called Brady every Monday at 10 p.m. at IO and also I'm looking forward to you sending us caramel koalas because they're so good.

And KJ, people have been asking, why doesn't KJ ever talk on mic? I'm not going to let you talk on mic, but I would love you to just try to signal to me something that you want to plug without writing it down, or okay, you want to plug.

Two words sounds like shame. Hands. Oh, you want to plug. Facebook.

You take headshots. Lights.

Light? God heaven, you want to get into heaven. Oh, Tetherball. You want to play Tetherball. Is that a team you're on? Tetherball, come check out KJ. Come check out the concept of Tetherball. What theater? Where can they see you? What theater? No theater.

No theater.

So they're homeless.

Do you have an Instagram?

Also, real quick, KJ, you had a strawberry lemonade. You had the chicken breast.

Are you not covering this?

Sorry?

We're doing four separate checks.

I would have never gotten too old-fashioned if I thought that we weren't all splitting because I don't drink. And after this, Erin, you said that you wanted to go to a place right after Applebee. Where are we going for this?

Oh, can we go to Jupiter?

Can you say Applebee Singular? Hold up. Don't stop the show. No, no, no. The doctor is the Riddle. The doctor is the Riddle. Did you just say Applebee Singular?

It's the original Applebee's. It's Applebee's.

When there was just one Applebee's, it was called Applebee.

Yep. No, no, no.

The doctor is a middle. The doctor is a middle. Doctor is a million.

Doctor is a million.

Jupiter, good night everybody! Hi!

This has been Hey Riddle Riddle created by Adal Rifai, starring Erin Keif, and John Patrick Coan.

AG Snyder's in the editing. MRE Parris in the music. Logo created by Emily Cardamus and Emo E. DeForest.

That was a Headgum podcast.