Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

The Doctor is a special announcement! Hey, hey, Clue Crew, we got a special announcement from your favorite host of a particular podcast that you've made. The McElroy's? It's not the McElroy's. It's a three We have a very special announcement for you. Starting in January, we are going to release a Patreon! If you don't know what a Patreon is, it's basically a way for you to get the show that you love or mildly tolerate or hate and tweet us the hate more often! So we will be releasing weekly episodes on the Patreon of a very close estimation of what the show is now. So, we might not always be doing riddles, but we've got tons of fun stuff planned. We've got games and gags, road trip type games, would-you-rathers, whodunits, all kinds of fun.

Live content, special one-offs. So, basically, if you listen to Hey Riddle Riddle, you enjoy the show, and you think, I love screaming at my phone once a week, I'd love to scream at my phone twice a week for about an hour. Now you can do that. We're doubling our content.

If you look at JPC, Erin, and Adalyn say, I like them, but I want to make them dance. Dance for my joy, my enjoyment. We're jesters and clowns, and you want clowns to dance, we dance for you.

You throw the money at us, we dance for you.

We dance. We just dance.

And Erin, how much money do we charge for a dance?

If you want to

I love podcasts, but I want it to be more visual. Now we're going to dance for you.

And if we drive you crazy, just know our personalities will fully change on the Patreon. We'll be so nice to each other.

Oh yeah. If you hate the podcast in its current state, it's much different on the Patreon. Pay $5, don't listen.

And if you enjoy the current state, I have a secret for you. We still yell at each other.

We're actively mean to one another.

So check out our Patreon starting in January. We love your support. Thank you so much for listening. Take care.

The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of lights. Oh, the Merkel fish! It was the cabin of an airplane!

Happy New Year! It's Hey Riddle Riddle, I'm Adal Rifai. I'm JPC.

And I'm Erin Keif.

No shit. All Sherlock. I am Old Baby Inquiries. Oh boy. Old Baby Puzzies. These get worse and worse as we go along.

Is there such thing as Baby New Year?

Yeah, that's what I was playing on. Yeah.

Oh.

You want me to just be Baby New Year? Yeah. Not Old Baby?

I don't know.

You have to be Old Baby New Year.

Can you be Old Baby New Year?

Okay, I'm Old Baby New Year. Dishing out the piping hot Riddies and Puzzies for 2019. Guys, it's a new year! New year, new president. Can you believe everything that happened to Trump? Unbelievable. Drowned in the Pacific Ocean. Insane. Yeah, he tried to drink it.

I never thought 2019 would ever be a year. I never in my wildest dreams thought this would ever actually be real.

But we're here. We are here. We have two incredibly special guests in the studio and we're gonna switch things up a little bit. We usually do, whenever we have guest hosts, we usually do a mailbag episode. But we just did a mailbag episode, and I would not stand for these people not being on the podcast. And I don't care if people are upset. It's 2019, which means new rules. 2019, 2000, fight me, is what I always say.

I've always said that. And hold on to that if you see him in public. Do fight him. He is ready for the fight. He may look like he's enjoying a coffee or taking a big bite of pie, but...

I can't defend myself, but I'm very enthusiastic about trying. We are here with two of my favorite humans and also two of my favorite podcasters. And what's great about these two is sometimes you meet people who are wonderfully nice, but just not talented. Where you meet people who are wonderfully talented and just not that nice. These two somehow sync it up together. We have Jess McKenna and Zach Reino from the podcast Off Book!

Hello! Oh sorry, I need to fight you right now.

Oh no, I'm eating pie. I was told it doesn't matter if you're eating pie. That's fine. Adal Rifai me. I should have said that. Adal Rifai me. Are we still recording? No. We stopped after two minutes.

But what flavor of pie is this?

January would be what? Like a winter berry? Is that a thing?

Ooh, yeah.

You think a winter berry is a thing? I had a Slurpee that was winter berry, so you tell me.

Yeah, Slurpee only uses real flavors. Real pie. Things that grow on trees, like Coke. Or Crunch Berries.

You guys have had Crunch Berries off the vine, right? Mm-hmm, yes.

Have to, have to.

Zach and Jess, before we get started with our warm-up riddies and pussies, any New Year's resolutions? Do you two subscribe to our podcast? Do you two subscribe to New Year's resolutions? Would you be willing to take out your phones right now and subscribe? That would really set us over the edge.

Yeah, not only that, I'm going to rate and review.

Thank you so much. That means the world to us. Do you two do resolutions?

I usually do and don't make it very far.

What are some of your failed... Yeah, what are some of your failures? This is a job interview.

The one that I had for 2018 was this idea called Miracle Mornings, which is about having an hour that's really regimented in the morning. The Miracle Mornings itself is really prescriptive. It's broken up into six activities that you do for 10 minutes. And it's like 10 minutes of reading, 10 minutes of visualizing, 10 minutes of meditating, whatever. I extrapolated and was just like, I'm just going to do my own breakdown. And it included like meditating, writing, reading. And I also tried to, um, one of the things I tried to do was drink hot lemon water. And that lasted a couple of weeks.

As for 10 minutes?

Yeah.

10 minutes of uninterrupted drinking hot liquid water.

Is it just like tea without the tea bags? You squeeze it and you also use the zest. It's supposed to be like really good for just like kick-starting your bod for the day.

Is it also good as a singer? Is that like good for your chords? Chords are what us in the musical industry call our vocal chords. I don't know if you're familiar.

No, but I'm gonna use that now. My chords!

What do you call corduroy pants? Roids. What do you call steroids? Steries. And what do you call the cute things that get you to the top floor of a building that are non-mechanical? My children.

Oh my gosh. Zach, do you have any New Year's resolutions?

Yeah, I was doing Miracle Morning. That's where you watch Miracle on 34th Street every morning? Close. It's where I petition my god, a cold and dark god, to perform a miracle for me every morning. And he has obliged most days. And there's some sort of sacrifice, right? Hey Riddle

It's sort of an eldritch scream. But way more high-pitched than I would have ever concocted myself.

All of which is to say that I'm in sort of a perpetual state of, I don't like do resolutions super hardcore, but I'm kind of like always trying to eat better and be better at being an adult. That's pretty good.

And also you were drinking room temp grapefruit water.

Yes, I do room temp grapefruit water.

And you eat apples in the shower.

I eat apples in the shower. It's a weird thing that did happen yesterday. Thank you for putting me on blast, Adal. Because we all went to a tiki bar last night on December 31st. Yes. Because today is the first day of the new year. Plus four. And that's canon and that's... For sure, yes. Um, and for some reason my brain invented a way to not be hungover and that was to eat an apple in the shower. While it was on I had to clarify. And so... Shower day keeps the apple away? Shower day keeps the apple wet.

Do you two shit birds have any resolutions?

I want to be able to do a split.

Yeah. That's really good.

Yeah. Are you close? No. I want to do the front.

Long ways.

Kick ways. Yeah. I want someone to do it for me though. I like want someone to stretch me.

Huh.

You need a monk to push on your shoulders. You need like a David Carradine-esque. Yeah.

I've been looking at YouTube videos. There's this 13 year old girl who's like Hey, I'm going to teach you how to do a split in two weeks. And I like her confidence, so I'm going to let her lead the way.

You definitely have bones and muscles like me, a 13-year-old girl. This won't hurt you.

Okay, so you know that thing where your body moves however you want it?

Do that! And you fell off a building but it didn't hurt?

Do that! Bye!

I eat what I want and I'm 20 pounds. Bye! She's honestly underweight.

Last year's resolutions for me was I wanted to watch less TV and I wanted to watch a hundred movies that I hadn't seen before.

And you just made a monk reference how long ago?

I love Tony Shalhoub. And I did that and I also wanted to do 20,000 push-ups because the year before that I did 10,000 and then I did that one as well. So I'm pretty good at sticking to my resolutions but I'm like a psychopath. I have like charts and spreadsheets for all of my resolutions.

With like red string connecting them all?

Yeah, I connect all of my Google spreadsheets with RedString. It's an app you can tap on.

For serial killers, right? Yeah, for serial killers to keep track of where they've left bodies.

I call them my victims, but it's really just movies that I've seen. Yeah, but I did my resolutions last year. I don't know what I'll do this year.

What was the worst movie of the 100?

Can I cheat? Can I look at it? I can pull up my spreadsheet.

Sure, while you do that, I'll say that... Oh my gosh, it's covered in blood. I believe what you're describing is like the Herschel Walker method, right? Herschel Walker, well, he did a bit of what you did, but also the opposite. He used to watch TV and then on commercial breaks he'd do a thousand push-ups. This is a Minnesota Vikings receiver.

Wait, all commercial breaks he'd do 1,000 push-ups? Yep.

Wait, no.

No.

That's impossible.

Hey Adal, no.

A thousand in two minutes?

No. Wait, let me pull up my red screen.

I tried to do a thousand push-ups once in a day and I got to like 700 and I couldn't move anymore. Here's what I'm saying.

Hershel Walker, if you're listening, come fight me. Also, how many was it? I've heard this story before. I can't remember. Maybe it was ten. Let's get into our warm-up riddles. JPC, did you have that movie? Yeah, I saw Mile 22 with the Mark Wahlberg movie.

That's the sequel to 8 Mile? Nope, that's a very good joke and it's very funny.

That sequel is also called 16 Mile.

Mile 22 would be the two and a half in between. No, it's Mile 22 with Mark Wahlberg. It came out like a few months ago. I saw it in California with my brother. It was one of the worst pieces of trash I've ever seen in my life. I'm sure he made like 80 million dollars doing it.

Cool. Proud of him.

Yeah, very proud of him. Alright, let's get into some warm-up riddles. Here we go. First one. I can be cracked, made... An egg. That's it. I can be cracked, made, told, and played. What am I? Deck of cards. I can be cracked, made, told, and played. Joke.

What am I? It is a joke.

It's a joke.

Or it's an egg.

It's a joke egg. It's a joke or an egg.

It's like an egg that when you crack it open instead it has confetti on the inside.

Oh, it's one of those Fiesta eggs. Yeah. Which are apparently not a thing in the rest of the country. What's a Fiesta egg? See? So there's this celebration called Fiesta, and I don't want to culturally butcher what it's actually about, but growing up in Santa Barbara, it's just a Great party where you eat a lot of really good Mexican food and they have eggs that are hollowed out like the yolk is taken out and then you put confetti in it and then you cover over the hole and then you smash it on other people's heads. That's not a joke. Is it a hard-boiled egg? No, no, just a shell. It's like an egg shell. Oh, so you just poke it and then drain it. Yeah, there's a name for it and I can't remember it. Interesting. A joke.

It's a joke. Has anybody like done that but also kept like a raw egg?

That's called a hate crime when you throw eggs at people.

That's what it is. When I grew up, that's what we did.

But if you smash an egg on someone and it's not a throw, that can't be a hate crime, right? That's just cooking eggs wrong.

Did anybody else as a kid used to take your mom's pantyhose egg and act like you're cracking eggs? What? Just me? Alright. You know you play with your mom's pantyhose, crack open the egg, put the pantyhose on your face, go rob a bank, you get all the money. See we never did that growing up because we had video games and we weren't fucking weirdos. I feel like, and again, this could be a whole Hershel Walker part two, but I feel like I remember there used to be pantyhose that came in like an egg. They were called like leggings, but the egg was capitalized and the L was lowercase or something. So it's like leggings and an egg.

I'm very young. I don't know.

Do the splits then.

Oh no, I can't.

Erin just did them standing up. Oh, incredible. Here's the next one. I am a seed with three letters in my name. Take away the last two and I still sound the same. P. That's right. I am lighter than air, but a hundred people cannot lift me. I am lighter than air, but a hundred people cannot lift me. Careful, I am fragile. What am I? Lighter than air, but a hundred people cannot lift me.

Careful, I am fragile.

What am I?

Ego or a cloud? Also I don't trust myself with it, it's so fragile.

Is it a curse? It is not a curse. Is it a curse though? Here's what I want to see. From a dark and cold God. I want to see Jess and JPC, you're two blissfully ignorant teenage kids who wandered into a shack that was emanating a glow in the woods. Zach, you are some sort of person, maybe a witch or some sort of warlock who bestows curses. You're the lead singer of Who Mistake? Maybe we're in the Ozarks and you bestow a curse upon these two hapless kids because of what they say. Here we go.

No way, I could hold my breath in the shack for longer than you could.

No, you can't. I've told you, I have great breath support.

Alright.

Get in the shack.

Let's see how this goes.

Are you hungry?

I'm not hungry, but that dog is.

I'm not a dog! I'm a warlock! Or maybe a witch! You'll never know! Stop recording. I need you to decide, Zach. What's that? I need you to decide. Oh no, the character knows, but they'll never know. Thank you so much. I'm so sorry.

Okay. Your name tag says warlock. You've solved my puzzle!

Tyler!

Tyler!

As a reward, I will bestow upon you a gift that is a curse.

Wait, that's not a gift. Tyler, also warlock could be like that witch's name.

Aw, snap.

No, you were right. I don't have a name tag, I have a profession tag. But thank you for asking my name. Well, technically she didn't ask.

What's your name? What's your name?

My name is Hot Breath. And I can hold my breath longer than any person on this mortal planet. No way. No friggin' way. Definite way. Okay, well let me make you a little bargain. Deal. If you can hold... Okay!

Yes! Tyler!

Alright, the terms have been set in stone. Now set them in blood. Okay. I don't have any blood.

Hey Tyler, I might like bike away.

What?

I might bike away actually.

You said we were hanging out all afternoon.

Well bike with me. Stop like agreeing to curses before you even hear them.

Okay, but like where are we going? And also I need to fix my bike.

We cut to these two kids and this warlock on their bikes just through town. I guess we never asked, how old are you? Hmm? How old are you?

Uh, how old is a mountain?

Um, like, probably it depends. Like, is it formed from, like, uh, earthquake?

Sorry, that one.

Oh. Oh, that's easy.

2000 years old. Oh, okay. I'm like three years younger than that mountain. It was just, like, starting to bump up before I got in there.

Tyler! Dinner time!

What?

Dinner time! Oh, are your friends joining us?

Yes, please!

Can they, mom? What are you making? Pizza rolls, please! Oh, for dinner? Not a snack? Tyler, you prince! I do whatever my son says. I'm afraid of him. Oh yeah, I can understand that.

And I say please, because I don't want to abuse my power.

And who's this?

Oh, hello. My name is Hodbrith. I'm just a little bit younger than that mountain over there.

What were you talking to me, Jenna? I've been to your house several times.

Mom, this is Jenna.

I can't place your face. Jenna? Are you sure it's Jenna? Yeah, yeah, Jenna. Me and Tyler did a project together like three weeks ago. You let us have Pop-Tart ice cream sandwiches.

Sorry.

I don't think so.

Yeah, the curse I bestowed upon you makes you unrecognizable to everyone in the world except for me. I'm your friend. Hey, hot breath, come here. My mom's single. My dad went to prison for tax evasion. Ooh, so you're saying we should hook her up with your friend?

The perfect crime. What's the Shakespeare play with hot spur? Isn't that a character? Hot piss. That's what it is. Hot piss. Merchant of Venice. Hot piss. I'm lighter than air but a hundred people cannot lift me. Careful I am fragile. What am I?

Any guesses?

It's not a fart blimp you're saying?

Spirits? Isn't it a tangible thing?

These are all fantastic answers. Unfortunately it's not the answer.

Is it something like actually tangible or is it like a concept? So it's not like pride?

Is 100 people, is that the operative thing?

Is it like, could 50 people do it?

A balloon.

Ooh, who said that? Erin? Me.

Wait, closer than fart blimp?

That's just a big balloon. I need you to trust me. It's also a word that's in, so my favorite Nintendo game has two words in it. You're not terribly off. One is bobble.

Oh, it's a bubble. It's a bubble. Balloon is closer than fart blimp. It's true.

I think they're actually kind of equidistant.

All right, well then, we're done here. 100 people can't hold bubble? Lift. 100 people can't lift bubble. Bubble fragile, careful.

Yeah, I think five people can't even lift bubble. Bubble fragile.

Careful. Careful. Careful.

Honestly, even more fragile? Scrubbing bubbles.

I'm going to need you to do right now the sort of TED Talk for the bubble that you have. Okay.

Hey everyone. Thanks for coming out to my TED Talk, of course. And this is one where people ask questions. And let's go ahead and get straight to the questions. And I'm just a simple mountain man who came to this TED Talk and I couldn't help but notice... Sorry, you're a mountain man and you live in the mountains or you're as old as a mountain?

I will entertain any question that you have about my past or my profession. Okay. I came from the mountains and I live in the mountains. Any more questions?

No.

Any for me? Oh yes, just my original question. What kind of bubble is that?

What we have here is what we call a classic bubble. Now this bubble is going to have a film around it made from soap suds. Inside is your typical air. And it's going to last for about 20 to 43 seconds. Yes, can you pass that Withered Man the mic? I brought this mic from home. I will not relinquish my mic.

You can borrow it. Is this engraved?

Yes. It's very nice. I was given it to me by a dragon.

That's incredible. I have a question. Bubble Fragile?

Uh, bubble fragile. Careful. Careful, bubble fragile, no pop bubble, bubble can't live.

I'm going to give your mic to the woman on my left who's raising her hand.

Yes, over here.

Excuse me, I have a question. It may be a little personal. Have you ever accidentally fallen in love with one of the bubbles and then had your heart broken because they're here so temporarily?

One time a dish soap bubble did get to a larger than average size. It flew in front of my wife's face. It slightly skewed her appearance. I fell immediately in love. Harder than I've ever fallen. It then popped and I saw my wife. And we later divorced.

Well, heart fragile. Heart fragile.

Marriage fragile. Don't lift. Easy lift. No cares. I don't know if marriage should be fragile.

Can I have the microphone now, please?

I've never even seen that damn mic again.

Sorry, please pass the mic down here.

Hey, you ever get that snowman kind of bubble?

I'm not familiar with that.

Yes, you know the one. You know the one where it looks like a little snowman. You ever get that snowman kind of bubble?

Oh, you're talking about double bubbles.

Yeah, sometimes double, but I'm really thinking about that triple bub.

Oh, a t-bub.

A t-bub. You ever get that t-bub bubble?

It is very rare. It's almost as rare as a four-leaf clover.

Ooh, hey, Mountain Man? Oh yeah? Can I ask you, can I have this microphone?

Well, I mean, it's not up to me. I'm gonna have to talk to Bahamut, the King of the Dragons. Hold on, let me make a quick call.

Sorry, that was me making noises with my mouth.

Hey, it's perfect. It covered it. That was the same time, two minutes down, Bahamut. And bye.

Well it's been great to visit this community college with Night Ted Talk.

He's on the phone, you're being very rude.

I'm taking intro to Russian Learnin'! Oh, this is a great day for me!

In conclusion... Am I supposed to end it too?

I didn't know. No, anyone can end it. Adal has to end it. He has to live in his shame.

Here we go. Let's get into the sweet, sweet meat of the main puzzle.

So, Adal, before we get into some tasty puzzle meat, as you so adequately said, why don't we take a quick little break?

Do we want to take a break now? No. Okay, let's take one.

Fucking tough guy. What is happening? Let's take a break while you fight me. Eat your pie. Take a big bite of pie. Let's take a little break. We'll be right back.

Hey Erin, you're a pretty unique person, would you agree?

Yeah, I'm pretty and unique.

You're unique.

Okay.

Or are you nitty? Yeah. What do you sleep on?

Um, sometimes it's just like a bunch of newspapers stacked on top of each other of like when I've been in the news. And sometimes it's JPC.

That's a pretty thin, that's a pretty thin amount of newspapers. Local girl falls downstairs. What? I said local girl falls downstairs. Does it on purpose, goes to jail. Well Erin, because of your unique pretty makeup, I don't know how to phrase this, you should be sleeping on the Helix mattress that JPC and I got you.

yeah yeah I mean we know that sometimes people have been like don't sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle but they mean don't side sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle don't hot sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle because we know that everybody sleeps different well the Helix sleep mattress is designed for people who sleep in a variety of different ways and you can take a quiz

And it's not the type of quiz that you can fail, so don't worry about that. I worry about that. But it's just a quiz to get to know what kind of sleeper you are.

You took the Helix Sleep quiz, Erin, and you got a don't sleep, right?

The first F ever.

You can find that quiz at helixsleep.com slash riddle. It only takes two minutes, and it's going to match your specific makeup to a mattress that's right for you.

Yeah, that's why they call it Helix Sleep, because it relies on double helix, so you just enter your DNA into the quiz, and then it tells you what kind of mattress is your soulmate, basically.

And it tells you what kind of mattresses your ancestors slept on. I mean, you'll see that in your dreams.

Yeah, that'll be something thatthey don't promise that, but that is something that comes in most people's dreams.

And they have a 10-year warranty, and you get to try it for 100 nights, risk-free.

They have a 10-year warranty?

Warren G. Yeah, 10-year Warren G. And 100 nights risk-free.

There is a little loophole here because they say 100 nights, but you also get the 100 days as well. So you can sleep in the mattress 24 hours a day for 100 days.

And for me specifically, for Adal Rifai, those are Arabian days and Arabian nights. That's true. All 100.

And that's not something any of the rest of us feel comfortable saying.

And if you sleep next to a partner, half the mattress can be for you, and the other half of the mattress could be for your partner.

Or, you know, you could do three quarters. Just with sprawl. With arms and legs. But right now, Helix is offering up to $125 off all mattress orders. That's $125 off. To get your $125 off at helixsleep.com slash riddle. That's helixsleep.com slash riddle for up to $125 off your mattress order. Don't sleep on this deal. That's not theirs. That's mine.

I guess the way I sleep is I clutch a pillow and I kiss it.

Yeah, I do the same thing but the pillow's in between my legs.

How I sleep is, you know when you get someone in that like chokehold, like with your leg?

Oh, like Xena did for James Bond in that movie?

Yeah, that's what my blankets do to me.

That's HelixSleep.com slash Riddle. Of course on the pillow I write, not a pillow. So when I kiss it, it makes sense.

Naturally, you're pretty unique.

HelixSleep.com. Slash Riddle! And we're back. JPC, are we back? Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I thought that I could win the fight and I was wrong.

Wait, sorry. Punch sounds. Punch sounds.

Oh, could you pour me some?

Uh, yep!

Mmm, punch! Oh no, I dropped one! Zach, you're going to get us kicked out of this prom.

Act like you've been there before. We're not supposed to be here, we're all too old.

Except for Erin, she's doing the slits!

Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow!

Well, we need to see a quick scene. This will just be a very brief scene. Zach and Erin, you're at the prom, your dates, and Erin, at some point you're going to attempt to do the splits while you slow dance with your date.

I like your corsage.

Thanks. I like your boutonniere. Wait a minute. I like that we switched flowers.

You're fun.

You're fun.

You're also so talented.

What are you talking about? Name even one thing I can do.

You're so good at putting together your clarinet.

Oh my gosh.

No one does it faster.

No, I've never seen someone clean the spit valve of a tuba as efficiently as you. You don't mean it. You don't mean it. Are you kidding me? Janine, are you even kidding me?

I'm not kidding. Your reeds are always so wet. It's amazing how wet you can get your reeds.

That's just because I have a gland problem in my tongue.

You look radiant. I've been working on, like, a skill.

Another one?

To maybe try to impress you today. Hey Riddle Riddle

Good. This night, I'm trying to etch into my memory, and y'all are mean to me all year, okay?

So give me a moment to- Who are you?

Oh my god, Johnson. I'm behind you in literally the whole first block of our day.

Oh, yeah, that sounds familiar. Oh shit, the date of that 30 year old woman is telling everyone to stop.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh. One, two, three, splits? Oh. I have to go to the hospital. I have to go to the hospital.

Scene. Drew Barrymore, if you're listening, we are selling this script.

Oh, man. Boy, I have a hard time. That movie's not okay, huh?

Never Been Kissed? Yeah. Yeah, I guess.

But I really loved it as a teen. Yep.

I don't remember. Why it bad?

Well, it fragile. Well, Michael Vartan, who's a real alias babe at the time, or like it's like during, I was, he was big for me. He's a teacher and she goes back undercover in high school to do a story for the Suchago Sun Times and then they like flirt with each other and then she's like, there's like a night at the prom where he dances with her which is like hell no that's not okay and he like wants to tell her that he's like into her he doesn't but then when she's like I've been lying I'm 26 he's like I'm supposed to what that just fixes everything like suddenly I'm allowed to be attracted to you and you're like Oh boy. I mean, it is nice that he was like, knew it was wrong, but it's also like, oh boy, this is weird. They fell in love when he thought she was a teen.

Yeah, maybe not.

Yeah, but boy, I loved it. And there's a, there's a part where, um, there, uh, she's like describing that, that feeling when she like will kiss someone and it'll really be like magical and everything stops and the world is spinning. And when she finishes talking, her coworker Octavia Spencer goes, damn girl, you are a writer. Hey Riddle Here we go our first main meat puzzy

Little Billy was, and Zach and Jess, just so you know, a lot of these are terrible. Okay. So when you're thinking of answers, think what's the worst thing that could possibly be the correct thing.

And Adal, just so you know, Billy's not a name that we say on this podcast.

Little Kevin was four years old, and both his parents were dead. His guardian put him on a train to send him to a new home in the country. Kevin could neither read nor write, nor remember the address, so a large label on a string was secured around his neck, clearly indicating Kevin's name and destination. However, despite the best efforts and kindnesses of the railway staff, Kevin never arrived at his new home. Why?

Is it possible that his last name was Train and so it said Kevin Train and they just left him on the train?

This boy lives on the train now. Is it possible his last name was We Had a Baby Itza Boy? That's always a possibility.

Um, was it Paddington and he's a bear?

Oh no, was it Paddington Bear?

It wasn't Paddington Bear. Was his name Ketchup the Bear? Uh, Paddington Bear could read or write, right? No, maybe he could.

Um, no, he could not read or write.

I bet he learned quick though, because he was precocious.

Yeah. If you can eat marmalade, you can read. That's true. Whoa, that's a cool t-shirt.

Is that custom? You can probably do this. How old is Kevin in this? He's four.

He's four years old and both his parents are dead. I don't know if that's, it doesn't seem important.

And his guardian sucks.

Did whoever killed his parents kill him? And that's why he didn't make it?

Whoa. It was witness relocation. They messed it up.

They blew it. No, that's not. So what's written on this tag? The tag has a large label indicating Kevin's name and destination. And where is he going, did it say? Said he's going to a new home in the country.

His name's Kevin North and then they put just like directions on it and I got confused.

Yeah, there's something written on it that's like, drown this boy or something.

It's the name of the place and the people on the train were like, well we did the thing but we didn't get him home because they're terrible.

You know when you're on a train and you see a little boy with a tag that says drown this boy, you're like, well I gotta do it.

A tag is a legally binding document.

Do you know what the most stolen book is? The Bible. I was gonna say steal this book.

Oh that can't be true. Was he like supposed to go to Narnia? I was imagining that too.

Pretty close. Can you walk me through what you mean by that?

Well, those kids have to go live in the country during the war and it was like common practice during the time to put the label on the kids. And so I was like, maybe this boy, he didn't because he was destined to be in Narnia.

So in this hypothetical, the wardrobe is on the train?

Well, the destination is like Regularsville, but he just had to go to Narnia.

What's the town motto in Regularsville?

We make it, you buy it.

Fucking capitalists.

Do we want any hints? No.

He seems British to me.

Yeah. He seems dead to me, and the tag is a toe tag. Whoa. Same people that killed his parents killed him, and his home in the country is a cemetery.

Honestly, that's a better answer. That's amazing. Do you know the answer, Adal? I do know the answer. Okay, and I got it. Are there hints? Some hints are, was his label removed in some way? No. Did someone deliberately harm or abduct him?

No.

Thank God. Was Billy a little boy?

He's a goat!

No, he's a goat.

So it mattered that he was named Billy.

Billy the kid. Little Billy, as his name suggests, but I was told to change it, so I went with the room, was a goat who unfortunately ate his label, so no one knew where he was supposed to go.

Goats is scamps. Hold on a second. You're telling me that this goat had parents who died and then someone was like we gotta move this goat because its parents are dead, its goat parents. I'm the guardian of a goat because that's what it's called when you take care of a goat you're the goat guardian.

I have to put this goat on a train. I mean swap out goat for bear and this is Paddington.

Also, I would have believed that a kid ate their label, like a real child. For sure.

A four-year-old? Yeah, that makes just as much sense. Oh yeah, especially if it tastes good. Oh yeah.

One of those chocolate labels? Yeah, what kind of ink we got on there?

So here's what we need to see. Jess, you're going to be the... It's like you're reading it out of the book. Yeah, truly. Here's what we're going to see. So the book says, do a scene. Jess, you're going to be the guardian of this goat. Erin, you're going to be the goat. And you can talk and you can even sing and rhyme. But you don't need to. Show off goat.

But you can.

But Jess, you are deeply attached to this goat for some reason. Sure. And it's finally arrived to you in the countryside after you had lost all hope.

Margaret! Margaret, the goat is finally here! Oh, come here you little baby goat. I'm gonna love you as my own. Hey. Oh yes, it's as good as I hoped. Hey. Hi, it's good to see you. Margaret, look at the goat!

Darling, what's that you say?

Look at this goat! She's finally here, our sweet little baby goat daughter.

Oh my word, she's everything I could- Wait, hold on. Does she do the thing?

Listen. You should know, though, I'm changed. Like, I'm different now. I, like, grew up a lot traveling.

Oh, that's all right, my dear sweet baby. Can I give you, like, two little goat kisses?

Yeah, but I've, like, done drugs and, like, seen some stuff, so... Margaret. Just know that I'm, like, changed.

Yes, darling.

Margaret.

Yes, darling.

I want to love this teen goat, but I feel like maybe that means I can't imprint on it as much.

Just because it's older? Yes. Good, I'm happy that you said that and not, I want to love this goat but it did drugs so now I can't anymore. You didn't say that, thank you. You're welcome.

Maybe is this where we're staying?

Hey, this is my... Wait, this is a sheep!

Yeah. Yeah. Oh darling, who are we to judge?

I just, I'm just surprised! I'm so, this is, this is a bighorn sheep, it just seems like the aggression might be a little intense.

Well, that's a stereotype. Well, actually, I don't know, you're right.

He sells peepers. Yeah, I sell beepers. Yeah, did I stutter, motherfucker? I sell beepers.

It definitely is aggressive. I gotta put our foot down here, I think. Do not put your foot down around me. If I see a foot stomp, I charge. For beepers.

Oh, I love him. I do, I love him. Come here.

No, not in front of us. Please, no.

I am putting my foot down.

I will not watch this in my foyer. He's gonna charge! Oh, my pie! My Bieber!

That's what you wanted, right?

Exactly.

Yeah, that's what it said in the book, right? Charge for beepers. Yes, it is. JPC, was that a Master Sheep? Master Sheep, yeah, absolutely.

That's a t-shirt. I'm gonna charge for beepers. It's got a big sheep on it. Everyone gets it.

Apparently every reference in this episode is from 2001. Here we go, next riddle. A woman walked up to a man behind a counter and handed him a book. She walked up to him behind the counter?

Rude.

The man was behind the counter.

Okay.

A woman walked up to a man behind the counter and handed him a book. He looked at it and he said, that will be four dollars. She paid the man and then walked out without the book. He saw her leave without it, but did not call her back.

Library playing a late due. Late fee. Late due fee.

Okay, all of you are the voice of God and you're having a discussion about how to monetize the Bible.

Order, order, order. Me. Some. Chicken.

All right, everyone calm down. We need to figure this out. You're right. We don't, we're God, we don't have enough money. We need to make more. I think we all agree that selling this book, the Bible, and basically kind of all of it, I mean like... It's the one thing we have to sell. We got the Bible, we got the Quran, we got the Torah, I think we should sell them all. I gotta know, like, how are we pushing this? What's the market?

I know that this is not on the table today, but can I bring up again that I think we should send Jesus back? It would be very funny.

Again? At some point we will, right?

No, but why not now?

No, he gets three tries. We're not gonna send him back a fourth time.

But like, hey guys, can I be at this meeting finally?

Yes, Jesus, but you have to be like, chill and quiet. Jesuses are to be seen, not to be heard. Jesus, you is fragile.

Wait, I just want you guys to know, I agree, it would be so funny. Like, I've been working on a type 5 for me to like, go down and just slay.

Let's hear the first five seconds.

Alright, hey guys, happy to be here, but I'm happy to be everywhere, which I am.

We cut down to earth. Next up at the Chuckle Hut, kids fresh, kids very funny, give it up for Jesus Christ!

Jesus, before you go on, it's me, Judas, and here are some jokes I think you should make. I don't know where Jesus is. Okay, just trust me, these are good jokes. Oh, thanks, bud. Okay, I love you, bye.

Hey, how's everybody doing tonight? Not great. Oh shoot, I'm sorry to hear that. You should tell me about it more often.

I sinned.

Oh, you did? Mm-hmm. Oh man, what am I supposed to do with a kind heckler? Yeah, okay, what'd you sin? What was your sin?

I coveted my neighbor's husband. Yeah, it's not that big a deal, honestly. Okay.

Yeah, look, I know we're not supposed to- there's a sliding scale for sure, and that one's not that big a deal. Thank you! Okay, on to this joke. What do you call a stupid idiot who holds note cards? Jesus Christ!

Give me my money.

I did what you asked me to do. I gave him the card, now give me my money. Here's your money. Now, God, back to heaven with you. All right, so we got rid of Jesus. Why do we keep sending Judas back?

Fancy. Good, good, good.

You got that riddle so fast. Yeah, that was a very good. I'm sorry. Very fast and very smart. Don't be sorry. I'm just impressed.

No, but you know.

We've been happy with this speed of Riddle because we are very, very dumb. And it's with you two on, I think you've solved 100% of these riddles. Very quickly. Very quickly. Riddle is fragile, so careful.

Yeah, fragile.

Here we go. Next riddle. This is more just a ponderous question. Why is it that in general, the hair on a man's head goes gray before the hair in his mustache? Why is it that in general the hair on a man's head goes gray before the hair in his mustache?

Because he's eating a chicken with a mole sauce. That sauce is getting all over his mustache. Zach, your Santa Barbara culture is really permeating this episode.

Guys, you gotta deal with these spicy chocolates. Sun hits the hair, fur hits the mustache. Easy.

His brain is more stressed out than his face. I hope you

Okay, yeah, all right like that movie land for time land for time or that popular phrase get for done You know that old trapper comedian Any any thoughts we want some hints we want some clues why does it make an integral grade before his mustache?

Cuz he doesn't have a mustache.

Yeah, not all men have that mustache

In this scenario, the man has stache. Okay. Does he have hair? He has hair. Are you sure? Who are some famous men with mustaches? Mark Twain.

Adolf Hitler. Famously for mustache. Very famous mustache man.

Charlie Chaplin. Adolf Hitler, surprisingly, his original name was Samuel Clemens. Not many people know.

Yeah, Adolf Hitler is what you shout on a riverboat when you throw something over the side to see how deep you fall.

Okay, we gotta see a scene with... I don't know if we have to, but we will. Zach, you're Mark Twain. Yeah! JBC, you have the enviable role of playing Hitler. Okay. You're on a Mississippi riverboat gambling and you two are just kind of meeting for the first time and kind of sizing each other up. Uh, got any twos?

I do not have any twos.

You're supposed to, okay, I know this may be your first time, this is an old southern game, but all you gotta say is go fish. But I did not know the rules to the game.

That's okay, you're doing what?

What did you say your name was? My name is Adolf Hitler. You're doing wonderful, Adolf Hitler. That's so funny that that's your name. Why is that? Well, because that's what we shout when we throw a rope over the side of the boat to see how- Adolf Hitler!

Just like that. Adolf Hitler!

Adolf Hitler! How deep are we, Clancy?

We three Adolf Hitlers safe enough to pass.

Safe enough to pass. Here we go now. I must be dead. This must be hell. No, that means that the Nazis have lost the war.

Everyone, attention please. I just want to let you know that our riverboat's next destination will be across the River Stilx. So please everyone have two silver pieces ready to put in the purse.

Now Adolf, you could be a deer, it is your turn to inquire as to whether or not I have any number of cards. Do you have any nines? Go fish, or as they say in your country, nines.

Very confusing. Oh, so good. I love that just two gamblers on the riverboat are playing Go Fish.

Isn't it great to know that even Adolf Hitler might get into the same underworld that we're all bound for?

But great to know is maybe not the phrase. And we're not surprised that Mark Twain's in hell, right? Oh no, with what he did to books?

Made them funny? How dare you?

For painting that fence. Have we solved this riddle? No. Do we want the answer?

Oh, I could have sworn we'd solved it.

Why does a man's mustache? I need a directional hint.

You give me north, south, I'll

Here's a bit of a hint here. Is this to do with the way that the hair is cut, brushed, washed, or treated? No. Is this to do with eating, drinking, thinking, or talking? No.

That's a terrible hint.

Is this to do with timing? Yes.

I'm Well, no, but that's the question is that like I was under the impression that the hair on my head now is not the hair I had on my head before, right? Like hair falls out and then grows again. Like all of the hair that I'm growing on my head when I'm 40 years old would be the same age, right?

But the follicle

You are born with the amount of hair that you will have for the rest of your life. It's like eggs. It's like eggs. Okay. Yes. Eggs is like hair. Okay. It's just that the hair is gradually coming up because it's so far down.

You got a bunch of hair in your head and it just sort of like pushes out slowly.

Your brain is hair. Mm-hmm. And the more you think, the more that your hair grows out faster.

Which makes sense because that is what Erin said was that your head is, your brain is more stretched out than your face because there's so much hair inside.

Yes. No one has that much hair in their lip.

That's why people used to call each other hair brains.

That's right.

And that's actually right. That's actually right.

And that's why women can't eat hair because they don't already have hair in their mouth. I won't support that. I will draw the line and I won't support that.

Zach, I don't think we're here in 2019 to like point out more differences.

I'm just saying. Men eat hair all the time. And women can't. And they're just different.

The thing about men and women is... We're done. Let's do, we'll do one more entree and then we'll go to our sweet desserts with our final listener submitted riddle. Ah, yes.

I like this meal. I've really been walked through kind of a tasting menu.

I'm so sorry it's been a bit of a prefix. During a christening ceremony, the godmother of the child suddenly tackled the priest who was conducting the ceremony, knocked him down, and rolled him over on the ground. Why'd she do that?

He caught on fire!

Well, well, well.

We just high-fived in slow motion.

The two women who came into the studio wearing identical Sister Act habits got this question right.

This is an expensive joke.

It does not translate from the audience. Had you two heard that before?

No, we're just smarter. Why is there fire? There's so many candles in Catholic Mass, you know.

No, Jess, I got this. When men hit two rocks together, spark ignites. Nope.

That won't do it. Why is there fire? There is an old god, Bahamut. He is a dragon who lives in a mountain.

One of the funniest things I've ever seen is this altar boy who is so small, had like that big, heavy, golden candle, and then tried to put it in a holster, and then everything was just too top-heavy for a while, and for like 11 minutes he was like, and no one helped him!

So he was holding it like, he had to learn, let him learn.

How I would imagine a dog trying to stand on two legs would move, like a lot of navigating side to side. We know how you imagine a dog to move. I've drawn it several times.

Follow-up, have you ever never seen a dog try to walk on two legs? You just have to imagine what it would be like?

Yeah, just imagine it. I mean people have tried to show me, but I look away. I mean they do it. I have a very specific way they move.

There was a movie theater right next to where I grew up, so I would see dogs walking on two legs constantly trying to get in there, but I'd take them to the shelf, have the usher turn them away, send them back.

You know where you put two kids in an overcoat and then a dog on top? You got a dog head. This is what a person is! It's not to trick the ticket taker, but to overwhelm them to make them think that they're going insane.

I think it's absurd that we don't allow dogs to buy movie tickets.

Well now Zach, you just volunteered to play a dog. You and Jess will be two dogs in an overcoat trying to sneak into a theater. JPC, you'll be the ticket taker. And Erin, you'll be the manager who intervenes at some point. Hello there, and welcome to MoviePlex. Sorry, you're coming to see Mile 22.

Hello, welcome to MoviePlex.

Hello.

We would like... I'm sorry, who's talking? It's me.

Down, down there. I'm sorry, Daryl.

Your stomach appears to be grumbling.

Daryl, it's hard to be on two legs.

Oh, I know.

Were you talking to me, Daryl?

We would like... Daryl, his name is also Daryl. Oh my god, but your name is Daryl. My name is Daryl.

Your name is Daryl?

We're just a barrel of Daryls.

Listen, we need two... There's not a Daryl in the world. Oh no, here's my man, Daryl. Hey Daryl?

Yes, Daryl. What's the holdup? Yes. Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. What? Is there an echo in here?

No, this is Daryl, and I'm Daryl. Sorry, I was just walking by. It's me, funny man Will Ferrell. Did someone call my name? This is a movie theater for dogs, Will Ferrell!

Good day. This is a movie theater for dogs, Carol.

This is a huge weekend for us. It's Mile 22 weekend. And what's the hold up?

I'm sorry, there's no hold up. They're coming into the theater. I just have to sell them a ticket.

These are two dogs?

This is one person and it is two dogs.

Hold on, walk me through that again.

Okay, so we're one person, but we are two dogs.

Okay, can I see an ID?

Can I see an ID?

This movie is rated R. He'll open this coat to reveal that we are two dogs.

I forgot to mention, you are two dogs in an overcoat, but you're standing on two legs side by side. Side by side. Yeah, this is one fat short person.

Two-headed dog. So here are our dog ideas, and here's our one.

Dog ideas?

Can you please tell me some of your dog ideas?

Okay, what about instead of vacuums, we just don't ever care?

What if all of the tables were lower to the ground? I don't like either one of these.

What if we bring back newspapers, but they're all squishy toys?

What if instead of cars, tennis balls?

How about, but only open windows go very fast.

How about no more squirrels?

Except they're always right in front of my face.

No more squirrels? We'll buy it. We'll buy that dog idea. And the price? Two tickets to Mile 22.

Can you throw in two tickets to Air Bud Golden Receiver?

You get the fuck out of here. You get out of here! Wonderful. Well let's go to our final riddle. This will be a listener submitted one. This is from Michael Schmitt. This is the part of the show where we all sing a favorite jock jam. We place one word of the jock jam with the word puzzle. We're headed for riddle, but still we stand puzzle.

Where did you come from, where did you go?

Where did you come from, Puzzle Eye Joe? That's your favorite jock jam? I said favorite jock jam, right? And I sang that song? You fucking tell me. I'm just singing more Final Count. Erin, name one song in jock jams.

I'm so young, I'm doing the splits!

This is from listener-submitted Riddle from Michael Schmidt. What's up, bud? Hey Michael, how's it going? Hey man. Michael, you just got a ton of shoutouts.

Hello!

I feel good about that. Michael immediately says this is an easy one, so he's retroactively shaming us. Man, I really wish I wouldn't have said what up to this guy. The rock was in the middle of a snowball.

It's Stone Cold Steve Austin is dead and The Rock and it's Wrestlemania.

It's Dwayne Johnson.

I actually do know the answer to this so I said shut up.

Zach knows the answer so we'll wait if nobody else gets it we'll have him show his knowledge. He tripped. So the guy is in Iraq and it's the war. I'm sorry did I say a rock?

It's a rock. It was the rock that they kicked out while he was hanging.

So it's a man lying dead in a field with a rock.

We're getting a hint, I feel like.

What are you talking about?

I think we're getting a hint.

No, Zach's just humming a song. That's a fun song to hum.

Wait, but hum it some more. It's the Olympics. Yep. It's the shot put and he had a heart attack from the stress. You know me so well.

You know when you left 12 pounds in one hand and you get a heart attack?

Yeah you're like oh my gosh I'm the only athlete from my country this is too much pressure I'm dead.

I'll repeat it one more time. A man is found dead lying in a field next to a rock.

Can I give a tangential riddle first? Oh please, yes. Two people are found dead laying in an alley and one person then is afraid of bats. Who am I?

Spiderman. Yeah, Spiderman. Alfred. What's the riddle again?

That's a wonderful hint. A man is found dead lying in a field next to a rock. The rock killed him but there's no blood on the rock or around the body. Who is the man and how did the rock kill him? Batman and that song are as good a hint as you're gonna get.

I got more hints. Is this, so this is comic book related? Yes. In some way. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. SS, okay.

Okay, it's like that frickin' Infinity Stone and that frickin' Thanos that I hate.

Very, very close. So Thanos snapped him, Thanos snapped the guy.

Thanos snapped Bubble Fragile to take life with the stone time. So is this the thing, Dr. Ben Grimm? And he is a rock man? No. You're thinking Marvel, I need you to think lateral.

DC.

Superman.

Rock is Kryptonite. The Rock is the band Three Doors Down. They're singing their hit single Kryptonite. Superman decided to take his own life because he hates the song. Superman can't be cut, so the internal bleeding is what drowns him.

If I go pussies then will you still call me Riddle Man?

If I'm alive and puzzles will you be there?

Riddle my hand!

I honestly thought you were doing the intro to Final Countdown again. Yeah, I honestly just thought you were bored as hell.

And I was like, whoa, rude!

Does he know he's humming? I don't know him well, but maybe he just didn't know. Erin, in New England, how do they pronounce Superman? Superman.

Oh god, I'm too afraid to go on Superman. I heard a man died once. Erin, don't you dare go on that ride.

So Erin, you're gonna play... You're gonna play Boston Superman. Jess, I need you to play Lex Luthor, and you've somehow tricked Superman into... into a certain... luring him into a certain area that has kryptonite, and then trapping and killing him.

Dun-dun-dun! I'm here, I'm here. Relax. Okay. Oh god, we're here. Hello! Hi.

How are you? Hello. Yes, good. God, you look awful. Hey, come on! Listen, I- Are you sleeping? No, not great, honestly. I'm not- I'm not getting a lot of sleep, not getting a ton- Alright, listen- You look stressed. People who are stressed die. You know- That's all I know to be true. We all die, so what- what- what am I gonna do? Not die? That's- Okay, tone. I'm your guest. Offer me some water. What are you doing? I- Well, if you have to know, I brought you here to destroy you once and for all. But yes, I will give you a glass of water because I'm not a bad host. Do you like flat or sparkling?

Uh, flat. And also, take a look at my chest. I'm strong. I'm one of the strong guys.

Yeah, you're a very strong man, but I have a deep, deep intellectual strength. Mmm, okay, you sound like you think you're better than me. I yes, I do think I'm better than you Look, oh, hang on one second.

What?

Oh my god, oh god, he knows I can hear him. No, I think he doesn't. Come here. Oh god. Come here. Oh, come here. Uh-huh. What are you doing Ben Affleck?

I just want to be around you.

No, I told you hang out in the bag. Okay, hang out over there. Is it cool if I hang out with Matt?

I'm bored, I'm bored! I'm not getting enough attention.

We cut to the Garden of Eden with JPC as Adam. No, I like this direction. Let's hear it out. With JPC as Adam, Jess as Eve, and Zach, you're there as Ben Affleck, and you're just eating from the Tree of Knowledge for the very first time, and there's a slight rain shower while you're eating the apple.

Oh shoot, we should get into um, let's get into this little tub because I don't wanna get wet when I'm eating the apple.

No, that's like the whole point.

Oh, to get wet and eat the apple?

Yeah, ooh, knowledge. So wet and sexy. Okay, this is- Wait. Hang on.

Okay. What?

This is the part where I put the rocks in the apple. Oh my gosh.

There's something in this apple.

Hey Riddle Riddle Very quickly Michael Schmitt actually included a second one that that's actually a great fuzzy So we're gonna read that very quickly here. This is a harder one He lets us know a man is on a train that is full and

He's a goat.

Well, here we go. That's our show.

A man is on a train that's full. I assume the train is full, not the man. He notices a person with a missing finger. He walks up to the person and kills them. At the next stop, he is questioned by the police, but they let him go. Why? And I'll allow 30 seconds of guesses, and then we'll get to the answer.

I'm

Oh man, but that was so good. It was good.

There are no trains in that movie, though.

That we see.

That we see, Zach.

A man is on a train. He notices a person with a missing finger. He walks up, kills them. Next stop, the police question him, but they let him go. What? Any other guesses? Erin, you're very close.

The police are bad.

Is this a bounty hunter situation? Is he hunting this man? Yeah, the train is going to the Sarlacc pit.

That's a bounty hunter suit? Oh, got it. Took me a second. Don't love it, but Erin, did you get it? Just tell us, Wiz.

It's a Boba Fett reference.

Sorry, I'm doing the splits.

I'll give you a hint. I think this is a hint.

Okay.

Ashley Judd movie?

Double Jeopardy.

Yeah, so what it is is, once released from prison after serving his sentence, the man saw his wife, who framed him by cutting off her own finger and leaving it at the crime scene. When the police questioned him, he stated these facts and they let him go because you cannot kill the same person twice.

Here's the thing. Yes, but they can't arrest you for killing a person until they investigate that. Well, it's a riddle crime. I just picked up. I pulled up the court record on my phone. Yeah, he's good to go. He already killed this woman.

If I ever commit a crime, it will definitely be in a riddle. So there are very little consequences.

Wait, in this scenario, this person got framed for the murder of this person. Yeah. And he's out now?

Yeah, he served his time.

25 years. Sometimes you don't go to jail forever.

Well, I mean, not my jail. Zach, can we see a scene with your jail? Sure. Can I get out? What's that? Can I get out? Let me explain how my jail works. This again? My jail. My jail. Maja, Maja, you're in here forever. It's kind of a forever trail. Do the full song. Do the full song. Would you believe that I don't? I hate that the button for the accompaniment is right next to the button to open the jail.

Zach, dinner! It's pizza rolls!

That's our show. Zach and Jess, thank you so so much for coming on. What a delight. Again, two of my favorite people. And then also if you're not listening to the podcast off-book, the improvised musical, Which you're not currently listening to. Oh God, pause this podcast. Pause this right now.

Don't do it at the same time.

Listen to Offbook and then come back.

Just listen to one at a time though. But it is the absolute best, so please check that out. Anything else you want to mention or is there more about Offbook that you'd like to plug? I'm wearing an Offbook shirt myself right now, so there is merch.

There is merch. We're gonna perform at San Francisco Sketch Fest and we're gonna be at the Steel Stacks Comedy Festival and also we have an album that is coming out.

That is not improvised. It's written. Three of the tracks are out now if you want to preview it.

We got a Christmas song, a Hanukkah song, and a song about the experience of dining where they have to explain shared small plates to you.

Yeah, so that album's called The Calendar Album. You can find it on Spotify, Apple Music, and it releases January 18th. That's right.

Those three tracks are out. Now!

Right now, baby. Now, on this, the first of the new year.

Yes.

I guess I have to ask, will my jail be on the album? B-side, B-side, B-side, B-side, please, please, please.

Only on the vinyl.

Will the song Dog Ideas be on there now? Anything else? Anything else going on? Nah. I didn't mean to sound shitty. Anything else going on?

That's not a lot.

You have 24 hours in a day.

He's right.

JPC, anything? You can follow me on Twitter at JPSofly. You can follow me on Instagram at Shark Barkman. You will only see pictures of my dog or pictures of my dog's DNA.

Follow me at Erin Keif Tan on Instagram to find out about my shows in Chicago.

And of course you can follow us on Twitter at HeyRiddleRiddle on Instagram. You can email us with any sort of Puzzy or Riddie you might have. Or just to say hello. Or just to say hello. And that's H-R-R Podcast.

Or to doxx us.

Or to doxx us.

Email us to doxx us. Email us and tell us where we live.

We will neither confirm nor deny.

Honestly, good. Honestly, I'm glad they're done.

But in your jail? That's how doxing works. If you go to jail for doxing, you can email us at hropodcast.gmail.com. We'd love to hear from you. And Erin, I don't know if you know this, when Superman was first created, he had a very famous catchphrase, which was faster than a speeding bullet.

Jupiter. Bye!

Created by Adal Rifai. Starring Erin Keif, and John Patrick Coan. KJ Snyder did the editing, and Ari Perrin did the music. Logo created by Emily Cardemus and Emiline

That was a HeadGum Podcast.