Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

Hey listeners, it's your favorite Clue Crew. We hope. We hope we're your favorite. God, is there another fucking Clue Crew? If there is. If there is, I will. Does Scooby-Doo and those guys call themselves Clue Crew? Because if they do. I will go to his wife's house. I will make a scene. Mrs. Doo? You're going to go to Mrs. Doo's house? Mrs. Crew, I will make a scene. But we have a special announcement for you.

It's a gift.

Are you sitting down? Stand up.

Now lay down. If you're standing up, sit down. Now brush your teeth.

Now kill the president. Manchurian candidate. If you love references like that, here's what you're going to want to do. You're going to want to subscribe.

Wait, wait, wait. Let's do a drumroll.

Drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drumroll, drum Launching this January 2019, we're going to release a Patreon. It's going to be very similar to what you hear now on Hey Riddle Riddle, but something new. So we're going to be doing game shows. We're going to be doing road trip games. We're going to be having exclusive live content. We're going to do live streaming. We have all kinds of incredible stuff planned for you all. We're going to be releasing, I believe, every week something new.

Oh yeah, oh yeah. There's going to be tons of content, special one-off events, you know, and more of everything you love. So if you're into the hashtag JPSoHorny, or the hashtag KeepingItReal, or the hashtag, you know... Adolescent. Adolescent. It's all going to be included. It'll all be on the Patreon. And Adal, the best part about the Patreon, anybody can get it. Anybody can get full access for just five freaking bucks.

Hold on. I thought we said that only certain people would be allowed.

Oh, yes. So only... You can only get it if, like, you You're cool, you smoke a cigarette, you put it behind your ear, you punch a nerd, you can get it.

So go to Patreon, look for our Patreon. If you find it, that means you're cool. That means you're cool. If you don't, I'm so sorry, you can't subscribe. Yeah, so just go to patreon.com slash doughboys and give us $5. And our Patreon is only going to be $5. So for $5, you unlock all the content every month. Again, it's going to be something Pretty special some of our content is we're just gonna mic me up and you're gonna hear me go into a store try to make a return and lose my nerve Some of the content will be JPC mic'd up going to a cemetery He's gonna find someone he thinks might have hated him and then dab on their grave and you will get to hear that

You're going to hear the wind whip up past my arms as I dab. And we're going to do some special content for Adal as well. We are going to mic him up in his apartment and listen to eight and a half hours of silence.

If you want to donate more, you can donate more than $5, but $5 gets you everything, so please check that out. We're incredibly excited to show you all what we have in store, so please check it out. It might make a good holiday gift.

Otherwise... Even though it's only coming out in January, so when you We'll see you next time.

So join our Clue Crew, check out our Patreon. Thank you so much.

We love you, thank you. We love you.

And now, an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle with your favorites, Apples Are Dry, Karen Beef, and Stapy Cheese.

The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Oh, the pinwhirl fish. It was the cabin of an airplane. He stabbed him with an icicle. And the Lord saved Friday.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, little teens.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Riddle Riddle. It's Hey Riddle Riddle. I'm Adal Rifai.

I'm JPC.

And I'm drunk. Oh, we're all drunk except me who is sober for six years. We are all having a great time because it's our end of year wrap-up episode.

They're gonna play a little jingle.

Yeah, there'll be a little jingle that goes there so we can talk and nobody can hear us and back to us live. And of course when we say end of the year wrap-up, you probably already wrapped up some gifts because this is post Christmas.

You probably unwrapped some gifts because this is post Christmas. What did I say? You said wrapped up some gifts.

Can I talk to you over here?

Yeah, right over here.

Or you returned all the things.

Right over here.

Sorry, you were having a sidebar.

Big empty pan.

What was your favorite gift that you received this year? My favorite gift was, I cannot believe that somebody got me a mandolin. And when I say mandolin, I mean the kitchen machine that plays country music.

Oh yeah. No one knows what that means. No one knows what it's like.

For sure. To be the bad guy behind blue eyes. Erin, what was your favorite gift for Hanukkah?

The gift to be simple, the gift to be free.

Erin has morphed into the teacher from Charlie Brown.

No, I like that someone agreed to kill JPC for free. That's a, that's usually a high price.

Yeah.

How much does it cost to kill someone? I'm asking because I want to kill someone.

Do you want it done right?

No, I want it like, okay. I want, what's the minimum amount of money? $8,000. Yeah. I would say dark web a grand.

Do you think you could get someone killed for a thousand dollars? If you're gonna, like, pushing someone in front of a train or something, a grand easy. If you want, like, someone shot or poisoned, you're talking eight to fifty grand.

8 to 50 grand? Dude, if I could make 50 grand poisoning people, I would be poisoning people today. I'd be poisoning you too.

Did either of you ever watch Killing Eve?

No.

Are you trying to say Christmas Eve? Yeah, I'm trying to say Christmas Eve and I'm just confused.

Yeah, and you're being gaslit, right?

Yeah, I just want someone, I don't know.

What's Killing Eve?

It's a show, Sandra Oh, and I don't know who she is, but she's a young actress and she's brilliant. It's like a game of cat and mouse of this woman who's trying to catch this assassin. And it's very good.

A game of moose and squirrel.

She's very good at killing people. And I just wonder how expensive she is.

Interesting. I think if you're very good at it, I think you could get some like, you know, some little dock worker to go and whack somebody for 800 bucks.

But I'd have to go to the past first.

You'd have to go on the waterfront, and by that I mean go to the era that Ilya Kazan's movie was made.

But if you are, if you're like a professional assassin, I think you'd probably make good money. Have you ever seen the movie Gross Point Blanc? John Cusack.

With Matt LeBlanc and the Pointer Sisters.

And Dan Aykroyd.

Terry Gross. Terry Gross, the Pointer Sisters, and Matt LeBlanc.

Oh brother. It's a shit show. It's very bad.

We gotta make that poster.

What was my favorite gift? Yes, wonderful that I was asked. It's good to be considered a friend.

I forgot what we were even talking about.

My favorite gift that I received this year is I got like a Google Home like a whatever that I can say like Google turn my lights on. It's a hub yeah Google Hub but I got like smart lights linked to it and I got one of the ones that changes colors so I can say like Google put on a light for me to fuck too. That's inappropriate. Okay I can say Google put on a light for me to that shows greed. Too late calling the cops. But yeah, it's really cool it can like change colors and you can like set presets so you can say like you can say like Google make it stormy in here Is it necessary to say set presets or can you just say you can preset? We're gonna play some of our favorite moments or maybe some moments that were cut it's gonna be a lot of stuff that was cut for air a lot of it is stuff you already heard

Remember earlier in the year, this never made it onto the show, but remember when we had that scene speaking of where Erin you were Google Home and JPC you were taking Google Home out on a date?

Oh yeah that, oh my god what was that? That was in like late August I believe. Of 94?

That's how long we've been recording the show. Can we have a sound effect like a bloop bloop bloop?

Oh, yeah, now it's that I'm sure we'll have some bloop bloop bloops when we go back to our previous clips Well, this is my place oh Really just here in the middle of this block.

Yeah. Thank you for walking me Google home.

Oh, uh I'd love to see you again. I'm sorry. Oh, yeah, I'll Google kiss Googling kiss Oh, no, it's easy.

Just all you have to... How to kiss on YouTube. Kiss the band.

I know how to do kiss the band. Kiss.

Kissing. Kissing is fun and wet.

Okay, Google. Maybe we could try to do a kiss.

Okay.

Oh, okay.

I'm not really looking for anything serious.

Oh, uh, well, I mean, yeah, I guess we're still early, but I was kind of, I guess, maybe hoping that this could turn into something serious or... Siri on.

No, not... Siri on. Siri is here.

Google, don't turn... Google and Siri together.

Why so Siri-ous? Hahaha. Heath Ledger died.

Siri is my friend. She's going through a hard time. Do you have anyone we could set her up with?

Uh, I'm looking for someone. I will describe who I am looking for. 6'11", 150 pounds. That's so tall. Slender man, slender man, slender man. That's so tall for those proportions. I want to fuck, I'm slender man. I want to fuck, I'm slender man.

Look, uh, yeah, I don't really know anyone that looks like that, and I don't think that that's, you know, that's actually kind of a dangerous thing for you to want to get involved with, uh, Siri.

Okay Google, no more judging.

No, I'm not I'm not judging look put down the gavel Okay, you know what Google Siri, I don't I don't think I'm into this anymore I think I think maybe good night and good luck George Clooney a movie black-and-white cigarettes and a pretentious movie.

I think it won an Oscar

We'll probably never air that one. No, I mean, we obviously had to cut that because of what happened with Google. Yeah, man.

God, it's hot. It's August and it's so hot.

Wow, we sounded like babies.

Mm-hmm. I was blonde then.

Oh, yeah. I remember your blonde face. Yeah, I remember when you came in to record once blonde and we paused and we would not talk or record with you until you went and dyed your hair in the bathroom.

Mm-hmm. I was blonde in high school and it did not look good. People did not care for it.

You dyed, dyed blonde, right?

Dyed blonde.

I'd love to see that photo.

And you were buried blonde?

Yeah. Well, you know what? We'll post it on the Instagram.

Do you really have photos of you with blonde hair?

Yeah. I was blonde. I was Joanna in Sweeney Todd. So I was blonde.

Did you do high school theater?

I was Joanne in Fabrics.

I liked that so much. That sucks. That is the funniest thing ever.

We could all post photos of ourselves in high school.

I was in Bye Bye Birdie. I was Mr. McAfee. I was in Robin Hood the musical. I was Robin.

I think I have a drawn-on like pencil-thin mustache. If you don't if you haven't Google imaged JPC yet, he looks like Captain Hook.

Did you have a bunch of moments where backstage you would take the hook and mime jerking off because that was funny?

No, but I did take my good hand and jerked off a mime. Oh no. All betrayed in the subtle art of no but if not. So if you if you if you haven't picked up on it, it is our end of the year episode and all of 2018 riddles We've all thrown them in the trash. The riddles are gone. We don't have any fresh riddles So what we are doing is we are going to do an entire episode Where we look back at some of our favorite riddles that we did this year. They were maybe lost to the vault. Yeah Oh yeah.

To the Disney vault specifically. That thing is ruthless.

We actually put a bunch of episodes to the Disney vault and then we were like, Hey, I think we shared a vault with you and the guy was just like stone-faced and he kept pushing us out.

What's in the Disney vault? We're talking cocks in the mound. We're talking...

Is that a Disney movie? Sure. So we are going to be throwing back to some of our favorite riddles. A lot of them are riddles that people have written in saying that they really wanted us to put into this clip show. So thank you if you've sent in emails. If you haven't sent in emails, don't worry. What I just said was fake. But that's kind of the year-end wrap-up for us. Adal, I know we've come such a long way. This podcast has been going on since what? August? The end of August?

KJ, can you play some really nostalgic music under this? Thank you.

And I'll just sing the Freshman by The Verb. But Adal, what was one of your favorite riddles that we did this year on the show?

Oh, let's go to one of the warm-up riddles that we had to cut, because something went a little bit wrong. Bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop! Look, Erin swam to the surface. Erin, you ready to go back in time for that clip?

Oh yeah, sorry. She can hold her breath so well.

Okay, here's a warm-up riddle. I can be long or short. I can be grown or bought. I can be painted or left bare. What am I? A butt.

I was gonna say a Peanips.

What is a Peanips?

Butts and Peanips. Butts and Peanips.

Keep going. I actually thought that they were called Peanips for like 28 years. That's adorable. Buy us some Peanips.

It's

No, it's left bear. Remember when Katy Perry had those two bears on either side of the river? And there was left bear?

Oh yeah, left bear. Oh, that's a joke from this year. Oh, a wall.

To paint. So you think a wall can be long or short? I can be long or short. I can be grown or bought. I can be painted or left bare. Wood am I? Weed.

Flower.

It's weed. Cigarette weed. You're busted. You're fucking busted. I'm an undercover cop. This is my partner. Her name is Maurice Delacroix.

And I'm lazy.

She's not going to take out her badge because she is lazy, but my badge should suffice for both of us. JPC, we've been watching you and posting as podcast hosts for three years now. Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Yeah. Well guess what motherfucker? I'm DEA. Desks, Energy, and American Values. The pregnant pause in between all three words shows that you were recalling it from memory. Uh-huh.

And I've been watching both of you. I've been monitoring you for un-American activity, use of desks, and low energy.

Was I French?

Maurice Delacroix? Yeah, I'd say French. You are French. And guess what, motherfuckers? It's me. Shouldn't Erin get a guess what, motherfuckers?

I'm sorry. It's a pattern. And guess what, motherfuckers? Maurice! I had nothing.

Erin, say you're from Interpol.

No.

Erin, Erin, Erin, Erin, Erin, Erin, Erin, Erin, Erin, say you're from Interpol.

Oh, I'm gonna go with, uh, no. I'm from Interpol.

Do you guys want to hear this joke that someone told me the other day that I laughed so hard at? Alright, it's a knock-knock joke, but nothing better than secondhand jokes. Erin, you start.

Knock-knock.

Who's there?

Hold on, just a minute. I have nothing to finish this.

Scary. The answer is fingernails. What? We were doing a riddle.

Oh, painting them. Gosh, we can't air this because something went wrong.

Because you said you can't air this.

Well, fuck. We just blew that whole fun warm-up riddle. It was perfect up until you said we can't air this. Can we have a show meeting? Can we have a show meeting real quick?

She's Oh, I totally agree. You know, I was concerned I was dead weight. Oh, no. Hey, JPC, can we do a sidebar? Absolutely. You and I are dead weight. We're trash, right? Yeah. Okay. Well, you shouldn't.

Erin, can I do a sidebar with you real quick? Of course, Erin. Erin, you are killing it. I like your hair today. Well, thank you. You look, I don't know, there's something about you. Hey, do you want to go out sometime? Oh my gosh. You don't, what?

And when there's only one set of footprints in this hand, that's when Erin was carrying herself and the show.

Oh, I'm sorry. I just was kissing myself. What were we talking about?

Yeah, we obviously had to lose that.

We had to lose that one because of the James Brown reference at the end.

Yeah, for a lot of reasons.

Yeah, for a lot of reasons we had to lose that James Brown reference.

My favorite riddle of the year was the one that JPC read perfectly.

Oh yeah, there was such great enunciation. My one-take Riddle.

And he just like, you could feel every syllable. It was like a Shakespearean, it was, yeah, it's like watching Mark Rylance do Twelfth Night.

Bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop

Perchance it grazes a woman's lips. A man would take it in his mouth. A dog would hold but spit it out. Leather bound and full of pricks. Many would call this a dick. What am I and wherefore found? in the mouth of man, woman, or hound. Okay, what do you guys think? Talking about dogs giving blowjobs? Yeah, that's it. Just talking about dogs giving a blowjob.

Wait a minute. No, we're not done.

I'm sorry. Look, I got every line in that riddle perfect, okay? The fact that it couldn't go on the show was insane.

I thought, you know... It couldn't go on the show, but it did go on.

I mean, it's on the Best Of. It's on our Best Of for the year. Oh, this is the Best Of? It is now because we put some of the best stuff on there. My dog Blowjob Riddle had everything. It had things for girls and boys. It had dogs. It was mysterious. It was good. Okay, fine. You know what? Some of my best stuff you'll never hear because you got to shut me down.

We appreciate you and we love you.

And thank you for using your traditional Chicago accent for once.

You know what? You guys are so wrong if you think I'm not going to use my Chicago accent on the show. You know what? For the rest of the show, I'm using my real voice.

If I walk into a store and something falls off and I then have to pay for it, what would you say?

Get out of my store, you piece of shit!

I have to ask, what voice did you use for Captain Hook? And can you give us a little sample?

Oh man, I think honestly I just used like a generic pirate voice. We got to hear that. Like what?

Ah Peter Pan, you think you're all that and a bag of chips. Hey JPC, get out of the bathroom. Stop running your lines in the mirror. You're on in three seconds. I'm on it, okay. Hey boys, it's all downhill from here. JPC, we need you to get out of the elementary school. We need you to go back to the high school. You need to get on stage. You are late. Peter Pan has come to Neverland.

Peter Pan, I've been tracking you for- We need to get out of this joulosco. You need to put down the peanut butter. Okay, this is not- I don't want this.

That is not your peanut butter. You need to go- I'm gonna take one more bite. Back to the high school. One more bite, then back to the high school. You are an hour late for your entrance. Okay.

So it's a game of swords, is it, Peter Pan?

Well, I can play a game like that. JPC, you need to stop dueling with your penis at the urinal. You need to get back into the high school. The penis always wins.

You're done. The penis mightier than the sword.

I'm flying.

Bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop. How did we get a clip of me in high school?

We can go back to anything. Watch this. Bloop bloop bloop. Oh yeah, I see there. I'm an orphan. Bloop bloop bloop. See, we can go back to anything.

What the fuck did I just see? Oh, we can go back to anything. Bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop.

Roar. That's a dinosaur.

The first sighting of a dinosaur. We promised that we would use this power to investigate some of the best riddles that we did throughout the year. Erin, what was your favorite riddle that we did this year?

The one that I had a hard time saying because some of the words were too big, but I loved it. And I mean, you got it very quick. This riddle is called Picture the Tourists. I have a manual focus camera, said Sherman Shutterbug to his friend Sal as they sat next to each other on a tour bus. Mine is autofocus, replied Sal. It's much quicker because the camera measures the distance to whatever I'm photographing and focuses automatically. Then I think we'd better change places, said Sherman. Why?

They were both sitting next to a pretty woman that they would never be able to talk to because they're freaking camera nerds. And they had to switch places because they both pissed in their pants and they couldn't smell like their own piss because they tried swimming away.

They were on a double-decker bus but they were up on the up top part and it was raining and their cameras were getting ruined.

One of them had big old bug eyes and one of them had tiny little beady eyes and their cameras only work for certain types of eyes. The camera was the mother. She stood on a block of ice.

Sherman Shutterbug, is that his person's name? Two more minutes and we still qualify as getting it pretty quick.

Well quick for us, quick for us takes 50 to 20 minutes, two improv seeds and us yelling at each other.

Speaking of quick for us, let's take a break to hear from our sponsor, Nestle Quick Chocolate Milk.

Quick quick, drink your chocolate milk!

What's happening in your quick in a what? What's happening in your quick in a what?

I'm gonna give you hints.

Okay, I would love some hints.

Did Sherman want to change places so that he could get better pictures for himself? No. Was Sherman originally sitting next to a window? Yes. Was the window open?

No. The window was tinted. Oh, is it tinted window? Is it? The blind was closed. Is it nighttime? Window was cracked.

I will tell you, this answer is deeply unsatisfying. This feels like episode one.

Is it sex with Adal? Boom! And he dribbles to them. He dribbles and he dribbles and he dunks it.

He dribbles and he dribbles and he dunks it. He dribbles and he dribbles and he dunks it.

I'm a dribble dribble dunk. Oh boy. So no, but seriously, was it sex with me?

Yes. But the answer to this riddle is Sal's camera focused by measuring the distance to the object in front of it, which would be the window of the bus. Sal's pictures of objects outside the bus would therefore be badly out of focus, but autofocus does not work when the distance is very small. Sherman wants Sal to sit close to the window so that the camera would ignore it and focus for great distance and would take good pictures. All I know is these dudes are freaking nerds and I wouldn't talk to them if you gave me a million dollars because they're freaking nerds.

Okay, Erin, let's see a scene where Adal and I are two frickin' nerds on the bus.

We've each paid you $500,000, thereby completing your transaction. And now you are forced to talk to us. Excuse me. Hello. You have the skin of a woman and we have Ah, no, I did it again. It's okay, Sherman. I did it again. Eugene, I did it.

You're really confident that I'm not wearing a skin coat.

I'd wear a skin coat if you wanted me to. Not like a condom.

Speaking of a skin coat, did you know that my family's coat of arms is a broadsword covered in eagles?

I'm a 14th generation Scottish. What do you do for a living?

Oh, I'm a serial killer. That's why I said the thing about the skin coats. I kill people.

Well, you wound me, milady.

Ask me what my favorite way to kill is.

What's your favorite way?

I stab, stab, stab. I stab, stab, stab. We're having fun.

I'm sorry, I ate a peanut and I have a peanut allergy. You have a what allergy? I have a peanut allergy. A what allergy? A peanut allergy. A what allergy? I have a peanut allergy. A pea-sniff allergy?

Well, you shouldn't have this Peter Pan I have in my bag.

You have the high school musical Peter Pan in your bag? It's a high school musical.

Can we see it? I got a crow.

Not that damn crocodile.

Oh wow, that was beautiful. I am a lost boy, yo. Everybody knows my name. I'm a lost boy, getting lost is my game. I'm the one who goes er-er-er, Rufio. Lost boy roll call. Who's on the roll call? Well, my name is Mikey and I'm here to say I am a lost boy almost every day. Well, we're the twins. We're friends and spits.

We're lost boys and we're the shit.

I'm Tinkerbell and I'm super green. My butt makes magic powder it seems. I'll see you later. I need attention. That's what I do. I need attention.

Well, I'm Tick Tock. I'm a crocodile. Clocking in my belly for a little while. Well, my name's Shaq. I'm the lost boy of basketball. If you see me on the court, you better go long. My name is Sweetness.

Number 34, Chicago Bears go into war.

Wendy darling, I like playing basketball. I got two little brothers, but I like playing basketball. Same.

Yeah, we obviously had to cut most of that out because... And it went for another 11 minutes. It went for quite a deal longer. We went through a lot of the most famous of the Lost Boys, but there was several copyright infringement that we hit. We hit a bunch of inflammatory characterizations of celebrities.

How good was my Tinkerbell rhyme though, huh?

Pretty bad.

Yeah. I don't think so. I mean, I blacked out.

Let's go ahead and take a quick break and try and gather some more of our favorite unheard moments from the year. We'll be right back with more Hey Riddle Riddle Year End Review. Hey Erin, you're a pretty unique person, would you agree?

Yeah, I'm pretty and unique.

Yeah, you're punique.

Okay.

Or are you nitty? Yeah. What do you sleep on?

Sometimes it's just like a bunch of newspapers stacked on top of each other of like when I've been in the news and sometimes it's JPC. That's a pretty thin file of newspapers.

Local girl falls downstairs. What? I said local girl falls downstairs. Does it on purpose, goes to jail. Well Erin, because of your unique pretty makeup, I don't know how to phrase this, you should be sleeping on the Helix mattress that JPC and I got you.

Yeah, yeah, I mean we know that sometimes people have been like don't sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, but they mean don't side sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, don't hot sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, because we know that everybody sleeps different. Well the Helix Sleep Mattress is designed for people who sleep in a variety of different ways.

And you can take a quiz And it's not the type of quiz that you can fail, so don't worry about that. I worry about that. But it's just a quiz to get to know what kind of sleeper you are.

You took the Helix Sleep quiz, Erin, and you got a don't sleep, right?

The first F ever.

You can find that quiz at helixsleep.com slash riddle. It only takes two minutes, and it's going to match your specific makeup to a mattress that's right for you.

Yeah, that's why they call it Helix Sleep, because it relies on double helix, so you just enter your DNA into the quiz, and then it tells you what kind of mattress is your soulmate, basically.

And it tells you what kind of mattresses your ancestors slept on. I mean, you'll see that in your dreams.

Yeah, that'll be something that, they don't promise that, but that is something that comes in most people's dreams.

And they have a 10-year warranty, and you get to try it for 100 nights, risk-free.

They have a 10-year warranty?

Warren G. Yeah, 10-year Warren G. And 100 nights risk-free.

There is a little loophole here because they say 100 nights but you also get the 100 days as well.

Oh, do you?

So you can sleep in the mattress 24 hours a day for 100 days.

And for me specifically, for Adal Rifai, those are Arabian days and Arabian nights. That's true. All 100.

And that's not something any of the rest of us feel comfortable saying.

And if you sleep next to a partner, half the mattress can be for you and the other half of the mattress could be for your partner.

Or, you know, you could do three quarters. Just with sprawl, with arms and legs. But right now Helix is offering up to $125 off all mattress orders. That's $125 off. To get your $125 off at helixsleep.com slash riddle. That's helixsleep.com slash riddle for up to $125 off your mattress order. Don't sleep on this deal. That's not theirs. That's mine.

I guess the way I sleep is I clutch a pillow and I kiss it.

Yeah, I do the same thing but the pillow's in between my legs.

How I sleep is, you know when you get someone in that like chokehold, like with your leg?

Oh, like Xena did for James Bond in that movie?

Yeah, that's what my blankets do to me.

That's HelixSleep.com slash Riddle. Of course on the pillow I write, not a pillow. So when I kiss it, it makes sense.

Naturally, you're pretty unique.

HelixSleep.com. Slash Riddle.

And we're back. So, just remember, if you heard that last ad, go to BuySnakes.com. You can send snakes to anywhere in the world for $1 a snake.

Boop, boop, boop, boop. That was one of our cut ads because that business went over.

So BuySnakes.com was a fraud business. It turns out the snakes that they were sending were conflict snakes.

And I invested $50,000 of my parents' money in that company.

Yeah, so I put $40,000 of my own dad's money into that business. What are some of your favorite snacks?

I like kettle corn a lot.

I like puppy chow, but I think it's like a regional term maybe. No, yeah, it's some call them like muddy buddies or something. Yeah puppy chow.

I'm sorry. What part of the country? Make sure those dates aren't states anymore

Yeah, if you call it Muddy Buddies, you can't vote. You hear that, Louisiana?

Go fuck yourself.

I'm comfortable taking that stand. Louisiana can go fuck itself. If you think Louisiana doesn't call Puppy Chow Muddy Buddies, you're fucking fooling yourself.

Remember when Bobby Boucher showed up in the third quarter and the Muddy Buddies won the water bowl? I got to hike 13 miles back to Lafayette. I would say that I'm not a big snack guy. I don't really love chips. I don't really love popcorn or anything like that. But if I have to snack, and I'm not a big fan of salty food, but if I have to snack, I like something like chocolate.

We're different.

Oh really?

I love salty stuff.

Yeah, salty's where it's at.

I want chips, I want guacamole, I want popcorn, I want pretzels. Or I want a cold peppermint patty from the freezer.

I want an ice-cold Pepsi and I want it to be fresh. The way you just spoke reminded me that ice-cold Pepsi reminded me of some of the outtakes not too long ago we did a character called Boston Baked Bain which was a really fun play where we imagined a world in which Bain was from Boston

I forget who played that part.

Let's just do, and we all took turns, but let's just hear a few of the outtakes that didn't make it to the episode of Boston Baked Vein. Yeah, these were cut for time, not for content.

Gotham, it's so good to see you, Gotham. How are you? I'm the mayor now, I guess. I don't know. I've never read a book. I'm Bane. How are you? I'm not from a legacy family like the Kennedys, but I'm going to try my best for you. Gotham, what's going on? Gotham, go socks. Huh? Go Sox.

Fuck Batman, Go Sox, and uh... And again, these were just several little catchphrases that were cut. Some monologues. Some of them were longer. You parked the car at Harvard Yard. I was born in it. Oh, what's wrong?

Broke your back? Victory has defeated you, Chicago Cubs.

Lobster rolls. Lobster rolls.

The North End. Quincy Market. The Red Line. Charlie Cods.

What a rich vein.

Yeah, we definitely remember all the things we said before and the additional content.

Do you all remember that riddle that I read that one time? Adal, you'll have to be more specific. Here we go, here's a riddle. Two naturalists were walking in the country. They were both keen to protect the environment and to conserve nature and wildlife. One said to the other, I was impressed by the way that you hit that bird. The second replied, yes, it was good, but not as good as that large bird that you hit earlier. What were they talking about?

Golf, my dear boy. You call a golf shot a bird. And if it's really good, it's an eagle. And if it's really good, it's a bird.

So are you rich?

Oh yes, actually, all of my uncles are golf course superintendents, so I'm frickin' rich. Do you want the answer?

Yes.

Yeah, the answer was I grew up with money.

The two men were assholes who beat up nature. One man had punched a bird, the other had later kicked a bird.

Now hold on, I don't think so.

Sorry? Two men can't be assholes. Here, I'll show you the answer.

If I know anything about men, it's that they can't be assholes.

Uh, wow. The two men were assholes. One kicked a bird and one beat up a bird.

I mean, let me take a look at this.

Okay. I mean, I'll give you the thing. It's the bottom right-hand corner. Okay. I don't know why you're both doubting me.

They were two golfers.

Wait a second. Let me see that.

Okay, let's double-check our work obviously. The two men were assholes. Can I see the GPC? There's some sort of disconnect here.

This is on Tom Riddle's diary.

The two men were assholes. One kicked a bird, the other was a golfer. Why is that now happening? Erin, let's take a second look at another opinion.

The two men were assholes? No, I'm kidding. They were two golfers. And golf, how do you say this? Parlance?

Parlance. I hate par, lads.

This riddle is so easy because it's about one of my favorite things in the world, which is golf.

I want to see a scene. And Adal, you are JPC's son and JPC, you're passionate about golf and you just are, you really want your son to care about that, that interest and have it be shared.

Stop embarrassing me. It's, it's 430 in the morning, Brian. There's, there's no one else out here. There's no one to be embarrassed. It's just, just you and your old dad.

It's just when you wake me up in the morning by standing on my bed and saying, dab on your hater's grave fortnight. I don't even know what those words are. It's 2047. Everyone says crunch butts upside down.

Not your dad, okay? Your dad does things, look around us, look where we are. We're in nature. Your dad does things a little differently, okay? See? If I hadn't left my laser pistol back in the car, that person would be toast right now. Because of the resource wars.

I hate that we can turn people into toast.

Yes. I mean I'll eat it because we need the nutrients. We need to eat it because toast is the most nutritious of any food here in the future. Which is the present.

Dad, can I ask you something?

Yes? Did you ever play Captain Hook in a high school production?

Brian, that was a world to go.

Wub wub wub wub wub wub wub. Oh no, Brian, the sickness. The sickness is taking you too.

Wub wub wub wub wub. Oh no, my sweet boy. Doctor, is there a doctor on the course? It's a golf course, there's gotta be a doctor.

What can I do to help you?

My son, he has the wub wubs.

Oh, crunch butt upside down.

Pew, pew, laser toast.

Toast, toast, I'm toast. I'm delicious toast all of a sudden.

Wub wub wub wub wub wub wub.

Oh man, yeah, and I asked us to cut that specifically from the episode because I do plan on naming my son Brian and I did not want to spoil that name. I guess it's out there now.

And you wanted to name your son Brian because the doggone family guy?

Yeah, I wanted to name my full name Brian, the doggone family guy, Patrick Coan. That's his full name. Do you want kids? Yes, not my own.

You're walking around the mall, you see a kid, you want to pick it up, run with it?

No, I want kids to build. If I'm being honest, yes.

I have spent a lot of time with friends' kids, and I think that more and more as I get older, I'm like, oh yeah, I could see myself having kids. They're adorable for the little bursts that I see them. But there's all the things like picking up their poop, and having to cook the poop, and eat the poop, and all that stuff that I don't want to do.

Do you want kids, Adal?

I don't think I do. I think I would like to be like a... You would like to? I'd like to. I don't want kids, but I'd like to. I'd like to spoil a kid. Like, I'd like to... Like, kids. A nice place to visit. They'll want to live there.

Yeah.

Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah, that makes sense.

You want to go on vacation to kids?

I want to go to kids' town.

Going on vacation to kids sounds awful. Erin, what about you? Kids?

No, they're so expensive. Also, I've spent a lot of my time in my 20s in like full-time childcare Oh, yeah, and I feel like I have a very realistic you not too old for that not as a job Not as a job you have been at full-time childcare, correct? Yeah, I need a babysitter. What if I choke on my lollipop? What if I watch too much TV? Yeah, I just feel like I have a realistic view of how impossibly hard it is to have babies Oh, yeah, it's it's hard and expensive Kids are constantly trying to die. That's sort of their thing, is they're always trying to die. But I don't know, their faces are really squishy and I kind of want to eat their faces.

Speaking of kids, I think that we should travel back to one of our lost episodes.

This is one... Oh, when the podcast used to be about solving the puzzles and riddles in the TV show Lost?

So this episode you're probably gonna notice has a pretty big glaring audio flare in it but we're gonna go back to it anyway because this is one of our favorite segments it is a return to Swan Lumps and our old friend JP Riddles Mr. Riddles, Mr. Riddles, can I ask you something? Gather round, children. Can I ask you something? Yes, you there in the front.

If it's not Penny's boat, whose boat was it?

Shut up. You shut up. No more questions out of you.

What's the smoke monster?

Shut up.

Mr. Riddles. Mr. Riddles.

Yeah, you're a blonde girl, although that does not look like a good hair color for you. I recommend fixing that. It's not going to go well for you, sweetie.

Hey, Mr. Riddles, calm down. She didn't dye it.

She was frightened. Alright, calm down front teeth.

Mr. Riddles, do you like being our babysitter?

Now, do I like being your babysitter or do I need the money? Both of those questions are no. As you know, I do have a considerable amount of money that is being held by the federal government until I can prove that I'm a human person.

Oh, can you read us a chapter from one of your famous books while we all indulge in a 12-ounce bottle of Surge?

Yes, you can now.

Mr. Whittles, um, what were the numbers that Desmond had to type into the... Why don't we just read one of my books, okay?

Enough of these fucking questions about a show I want to see on Four Seasons itself, okay?

And Mr. Whittles, why don't you have kids of your own?

Why don't I have kids of my own? Kids in the neighborhood say you got a broke dick. They say that dick don't work.

Kids in the neighborhood said that you spent the better part of the year trying to make a puppet come alive to be your son.

Some people say puppet, some people say puppy.

The answer to that question is in Swan Lumps 276, a lump in the back of the goat. Oh no. Do you want to hear the story or not? This is the only autobiographical Swan Lumps I ever wrote.

Sissy, sissy. That's a blank journal.

Uh-oh.

Now do you kids want to hear it? Swan Lumps 276, the lump in the back of the groat.

Yeah, but Mr. Riddles, you're covered in crumbs. You're just covered head to toe in crumbs.

These are not crumbs. These are sequins from a sweatshirt I ate.

Will you promise when you say back of the goat that you don't say it in the voice of Adam Sandler?

I will not promise and I won't say back of the goat. Because last time you said there's a lump in the back of the goat. Shut up. Now here's what's going on in your back of the goat. Alright. It was a dark and stormy St. Patrick's Day morning when a little kid, let's just call him Billy. That's my name. Oh is it? Good. Well, Billy and his dumbass little sister, who had a bad dad job and an even worse personality, came and bothered old, let's just call him, uh, J.P. Riddles.

Why did Boone have to die? He was so handsome.

They had just finished eating a sweet, uh, sweet, sweet sweatshirt, and oh boy, he had them secret crumbs dribbling all down his chest. And they asked him a bunch of bullshit questions about how he spent, oh, I don't know, 18 months trying to make a puppet come to life, and eventually he shoved a little puppy's organs in the puppet and tried to Push it all together and make that live but you know that didn't work out so well for old J.P. Reynolds and so he put out a bulletin board and said I'd like to watch everyone's kids and I charged $9 and those fucking asshole parents haggled him down to $7.50 an hour which he can't live on but they were like you know what is life for a man like you in any way He used that entry point to sneak into that house and he stole all the toothpaste and medicine pills that he could and he shoved them down his mouth and he ate those things and he chewed them all up and it gave him super strength and then he took all the couch cushions and he taped them to his body so the police bullets couldn't get him and he walked into a bank and he said I'll have all the money in the bank and ting ting ping Oh, they shot him and it hurt. Oh, it hurt. It went right through those couch cushions and old J.P. Riddles died. He died. And he cursed those damn kids, Billy and Bad Dad John. We cut to J.P.

Riddle's funeral where a relative is speaking.

Uh, J.P. Riddles has faked his death more than any man I know. It's almost weekly. So, I'm gonna keep reading the speech I've read every time.

I have a few things to say. A ghost!

It's the puppet boy with the puppy organs.

As an ambulatory puppet with puppy organs, I feel like I knew J.P. Riddles better than anyone. He was a terrible man.

Crunch in the butt.

What was it?

Crunch in the butt?

I don't know what you're talking about. We're in present day. Why would I know a future phrase? I mean, it's probably something cool like crunch butt upside down.

I think I knew J.P. Riddles better than anyone. Oh, hey J.P. Riddle. No, my name is John Patrick Coan. I'm the author of the very popular J.P. Riddles books, where there exists a world where a character named J.P. Riddles writes a popular series of books called Swan Lups. Oh, like Lemony Snicket did? Oh, is this like a Lemony Snicket thing?

Oh, I missed J.P. Riddles.

I'm going to be honest with you. I don't know. I hate him.

Also, has anyone drawn J.P. Riddles yet?

I've heard, and this is folklore, common folklore, that he cannot be drawn because the vestige that you would draw would be so dreadful that it would chill your very wine.

I heard that a lot of times that local kids, you know, when they're going to the prom will pick up J.P. Riddles on the side of the road and he's in a full white dress and he'll say he just needs to be dropped off and when you pass a certain house he'll disappear. Then you go up to the house, you knock on the doorbell, and the mom comes to the door, and she says, daughter died a hundred years ago. Yeah, you heard that from a bunch of kids, huh? Or maybe you said it. And maybe somebody wrote in and said, if the daughter died a hundred years ago, how old's that mom? Answer is a hundred and fourteen.

Whenever I'm walking, because Chicago's a big walking city, whenever I'm walking past a school and I see kids... Say the whole thing.

It's a big walking Phoenix City. It's a big walking Phoenix City. We love his work.

We love her. We love her. I'm with her. I'm with her. The movie. But I'm walking by a school and I see kids out playing. I always gather them around and I say, what are the stories? What is the gossip? Tell me the secrets that are... What's the news? Tell me what's happening for all the children in the school. And they give me their secrets and I go and I pass them on to adults. I'm like a Johnny Appleseed, but not... There are folk songs about me. He plants seeds, I steal the mouth words from kid. Is this a big thing? You know, it's been quite a year. It's been quite a year.

KJ, the Nostalgia Music.

Oh yeah, KJ, the Nostalgia Music. Thank you. Thank you, Letters. And I have very much enjoyed the year that I've spent with you. And that is not... You're only looking at Erin. Yes. You'll get one too, asshole. Shut your fucking mouth.

You'll get one.

I very much enjoyed the time I spent with you, Erin. Thank you so much. Thank you for your riddles and thank you for your honesty. Adal? Adal? Hey, hey! Sorry, I was walking out the door. What's up? No, keep going. Keep walking out that door and walk into the driveway and there you will see a brand new Lexus.

Oh my god, I wanted that!

What's that?

Can I have that?

Oh my god, thank you so much. You're very welcome. What year is this? What's that?

What year is this? Why, it's Christmas Day, young man! Uh oh. This is the 1921 Lexus. Oh wow. Yeah. Yeah, it's just two horses pulling a sign that says Lexus. Well, we hope you had a good time hearing all the cut for air or quality buzzies and riddies. We wanted to still release an episode even though it is the holiday season. We wanted to make sure that if you're traveling that you still had an episode to listen to. So if you do us a huge favor over the holidays, if you're still at home, Tell a family member, tell a friend, tell a neighbor about Hey Riddle Riddle, and enjoy yourself. God damn it.

Yeah, and especially if they have different political views than you. Get into a heated political argument, then stop it and say, hey, one thing we can both agree on, Hey Riddle Riddle. And they'll say, what is that? And then, you know, just put that on and listen to 16 episodes and have the time of your life.

One thing I want to mention before we get into our final goodbyes here, we want to thank Lauren and Ben who created an incredible website called riddiesandpuzzies.com. You're going to want to check that out and that has all the Puzzies and Riddies that we've ever used on any episode.

And it's spoiler free too. They have blotted out the answers to all of those so you have to click on them to see the answers. So if you just want a recap or you're looking for an old riddle, thank you Lauren and Ben.

We had a full meltdown on our group text. Yeah, it was so thoughtful and cool and helpful.

People have been asking us to like post those riddles and we've been kind of on the fence about it because we're like, oh, well, we don't want to spoil, you know, the enjoyment for other people haven't heard it yet. But yeah, this is this is such a cool thing. And it's it's we didn't have to do it.

Well, we say that it's like the website's like a like a terrible auto zone. And that it's spoiler free.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, we would say that. JPC, do you have anything to plug?

You know what? Yes, I would like to plug something that is very near and dear to my heart, which is Soy Nog. Soy Nog or Almond Nog. It's only in stores for a limited time. It's much better than Egg Nog. Egg Nog tastes like trash, but I love the fake version. I don't know why. I've never liked Egg Nog, but man, Soy Nog, I will buy that every year.

And you're wearing a t-shirt that says Soy Nog, and you have $80 peeking out of your front pocket.

It's no brand. I haven't been paid off by a brand of soy dog, just the concept of soy dog. You're a bit of a soy boy. Yeah, I'm a soy boy toy. But you can find this little soy boy on Twitter at JPSoFly, Instagram at Shark Barkman. You'll see a lot of my spaghetti-themed Christmas pictures. But also, yeah, check out a show that we're all involved with. If you are ever in Chicago, come and see World News Tonight at I-O every Saturday at 8 and 1030.

I want to mention that we do have a lot of cool merch in our store at tpublic.com. We have a really cool new shirt, recently added art by Roland Coons. You can follow Roland Coons at Roland Coons on Twitter. Also, our wonderful logo created by Emily Cardamas and Emily Morris, so please check those out. We also want to thank all our hashtag Widdleware users, people who bought shirts, posted pictures on social media using the hashtag Widdleware. Some of those are at Comedy Nerd, at Slack Inferno, at Corrupted Gem, at St. Mia's Cathedral, at Antique Anger, at Unidark Warrior, at Fiona M. and Young, at Mess Girl, Fiona and Mess Girl, which is Fiona and Kelly, both dressed as Riddie Kiddie for Halloween. Which is how they used their hashtag, Riddleware. Cars and Pixies, Jane Trini 3, and R Presacio. R Presacio. You got it right. Is that right?

That's got to be right.

Great. And then there's also one here, Erin, I don't know if this will ring a bell, Kathleen Keif. Who dat?

That's my sister.

Your sister bought a shirt?

She bought a shirt. She wouldn't wear it? Yeah, and she has a newborn baby. This is Mitch's baby. This is Mitch's baby. And yeah, so she's getting that shirt. All sorts of gross. All the body fluids are in that shirt.

Yeah, because the baby poop in the shirt. She has to cook the poop.

She said it's so soft. The baby? Yeah, yeah. The baby.

Erin, my baby is so soft.

Erin, you won't believe how soft my baby is.

Like a pillow.

Erin, anything to plug?

Yes, follow me, Erin Keif 10 on Instagram, Erin Keif 2 on Twitter, which is still embarrassing. And I will post about shows and all sorts of other things there.

Erin, do you remember that time that we went to sign off and you said something a little embarrassing? Blup blup blup blup blup?

Jupiter!

Blup blup blup blup. You remember that?

Yes. Bye!

Starring Erin Keif and John Patrick Coan, Katie Snyder did the editing, and Marty Parent did the music. Logo created by Emily Cardenas and Emily Navouris.

That was a HeadGum podcast.