Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Who likes exciting things?

I do. Ba-ha-men. Who likes exciting things?

Ba-ha-men. Ba-ha-men. Oh, what you said. All right, well, we have a fun little thing happening in January. And no, we're not having a baby. And everyone keeps saying that the three of us are collectively having a baby. And that's coming in the summer.

I keep telling you, you're very pregnant. You keep eating pickles because you are very pregnant.

We'll see. We'll see.

You are having this baby. Your water broke.

Did it? Alright, well your guess is as good as mine, fella.

And your baby's name?

Patreon!

We're doing a new patreon starting in January and for just $5 a month you get everything we're gonna release Weekly up you get everything you get our baby names you get our souls you get our exclusive baby days You get to come to our parties.

Just real quick. What was everybody's baby name?

My name my baby name was Adal.

Yeah, mine was John.

I'm

Wouldn't you love that? So check us out in January. Check out our Patreon. We're going to have game shows. We're going to have road trip type games. We're going to have exclusive live content. We're going to have one-off specials. We're going to have live streams. We're going to have all kinds of stuff just for you all. $5 a month.

And you might see some special guests, some people that you might know. A certain Riddy Kiddy might stop by. We didn't get the right star. Okay, I'm so sorry. You might see a little We have recorded some things and the hardest you've heard me laugh really hard at JPC when was the hardest time I laughed oh when you said twinkle on my dad's penis or Maria CVS

I laugh even harder at some of the nonsense that happens.

I can't believe we didn't get the rights to some of the stuff because we sold K.J. the rights to that stuff. K.J. owns all the letters. We don't want you to have it.

I'm going to use this for good.

K.J. started that tequila company and they're a billionaire now.

I'm happy for letters. I'm happy for letters. I'm also happy for the letters that they send to us that say we want the show to fail and we're breaking you down and everyone here is a monster and I'm a Van Helsing.

But this 12-minute ad has been for Patreon.

It's not an ad. We don't do it. It's not an ad at all.

We're not getting paid for this?

Oh, no.

Do we pay ourselves?

Letters is charging us for this.

Motherfuck.

So find us on Patreon starting in January. Give us $5 a month and join the Clue Crew. Clue Crew. Oh, I got a Clue Crew clock. One flew over the Clue Crew desk.

Clue Crew. Clue Crew. I'm irritating.

The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of lights. Oh, the pinwheel fish. It was the cabin of an airplane. He stabbed him with a knife in the neck.

Hey, you hear that? You hear that creeping down the stairs? That's... Hey Riddle Riddle... Well, I guess Santa doesn't creep down the stairs.

Famously, no, he doesn't.

What do you have, some sort of upstairs fireplace? The fuck would that be? Listen, in my household, Santa would come in through the front door, go up the stairs, check on the kids. Kids are asleep? We're golden. What he does then, he opens the upstairs window, crawls out the window, scales up onto the roof. Clatter. A lot of clatter. Then he goes down the chimney. Ha ha, surprise fat man in the house. Now if you check on the kids and they are awake, what happens then is a brutal act of violence.

Okay, here's the thing. I don't think Santa should be near the bedrooms at all. No. I think you should come in, put the presents down, and get out.

He's actually been warned. The bedrooms are off limits.

Santa famously has... Well, there's a tree in there.

I don't care. I don't care if there's a tree in there.

Santa famously has everyone's keys. Santa famously has any house in the world, even if you live in a tent, Santa has keys to that.

Do you think Santa is a janitor with one of those jinkily belts of keys?

That's what we did in my house because we didn't have a fireplace, so my parents were like, well leave this key so Santa can get in.

Alright, if this is a contest for who was more poor, there's no way you're going to win, Boston.

We would hear Santa or see his footprints in the dirt because indoors we had no floor, so just dirt. No floor indoors? Santa has keys for that. Hey welcome everyone, it's Sleigh Riddle Riddle.

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Jingle all the way. Jingle all the way. Jingle all the way. Jingle all the way. Jingle all the way. Jingle all the way. Jingle all the way. Jingle all the way. Jingle all the way. Jingle all the way. Jingle all the way. Jingle all the way. Jingle all the way.

Jingle all the way. Jingle all the way. Jingle all the way.

Jingle all the way. Jingle all the way. Jingle all the way. Jingle all the way. Jingle all the way. Jingle all the way. Jingle all the way. Jingle all the way. Jingle all the way. Jingle all the way. Jingle all the way. Jingle all the way.

Jingle all the way. Jingle all the way. Jingle all the way. Jingle all the way. Jingle all the way. Jingle all the way. Jingle all the way. Jingle

You kiss under the cranberry. You kiss under a mistletoe. Are you trying to put that into your name?

Yeah. Mistletoe Rifai.

No.

Oh, we're doing names that would sound like it. How would cranberry even work? You know when someone's drinking an ocean spray and you're like, gotta kiss them.

I always kiss people when they have a mouthful of ocean spray. Not intentionally, but it just works out that way that after I kiss them, I'm like, is this Cranfusion?

Isn't it wild that cranberries grow in a bog? Isn't that crazy?

It is crazy.

Bog spelled backwards is God.

Wade Boggs was a god of baseball.

When I did the Ocean Spray tour when I was a kid they... Wait, wait, wait.

What? Full stop. You went on tour with Ocean Spray?

Yeah, I played base. I just stopped going on tour with them though because I got really messed up on drugs.

What was Ocean Spray's big hit?

Crayon Apple.

I hate my mom. So of course Ocean Spray was Billy Ocean and Frank Ocean in the few years that they overlapped in the music industry. So it makes sense now. You went on a tour of the processing plant.

Yes, and a woman had to tell me to stop taking the samples.

A woman that worked there?

A woman, she was like, you're going to get yourself sick. I was like, I know what I'm doing.

Humans are not meant to consume this much cranberries. Oh honey, nobody here eats the cranberries, regardless.

It was the juice. I was just taking shots and shots and shots.

I hate cranberries.

I love cranberries.

I hate cranberry sauce. I hate it all.

I don't mind the Cran-Raz LaCroix. That's the only cranberry that I can do.

Fancy, fancy boy.

I love a LaCroix.

It's free at my work.

Our little prince loves LaCroix.

Okay, okay. I'm a little LaCroix boy toy.

I'm proud of it. So this is our Christmas episode. It is Sleigh Riddle Riddle. For this episode, Erin Reith is going to be old... Ham. You eat ham for Christmas. Old ham. Did we do that before for Thanksgiving?

Yes. You eat it for both.

Okay. Old man puzzles. Old Saint Nicopas.

Can you believe it?

We figured it out really quick. Old St. Nicopause. And what we're going to be doing special for this episode is as the riddles go on, we'll be slowly unwrapping ourselves as a present for the listeners.

Wait, I'm sorry. We didn't talk about this. We're doing Strip Riddles.

I can't hear you, I'm just roaming. We're doing Strip Riddles. You know you're in college, you get drunk, you do Strip Riddles.

Strip Riddles would be such an awful game. Nerdy. If you are in college and you're playing this, you're listening to this podcast, do try to bring up Strip Riddles with your friends. Old Cranberry Puzzles. Old Cranberry Puzzles. Nope, that's it. That's it.

Old man presents. Here we go.

Old man presents. Old man presents is better.

Okay, so I'm old man presents and I can't wait to get into the Christmas spirit. I have a lot planned, so let's settle in. Let's do some warm-up Christmas riddles. Are we ready?

Okay, so for warm-up Christmas riddles, these are, can we call these stocking stuffers?

Oh, yeah, we can. Okay, cool. And you're gonna hate all of these. I'd stake my life on it.

Well, has anyone ever gotten a stocking stuffer that they enjoy? Now, I usually get those books of lifesavers. It's like, oh, it's a little book and then you open it up and it's lifesavers.

You ever get those? What?

Can you not read? It was a thing in the 60s, I guess.

I used to get Pez in my stocking. Remember those?

Remember Pez? And now kids just get Snapchats. We would get nothing in our stockings, like candy and stuff. And I remember I went to my friend's house in high school who was rich.

Name that friend.

I don't have to. They died. No, they're still alive. Maybe. We don't talk. But I went to their house and they had like an iPod in their stocking. I was like, an iPod for me would be like my Christmas gift. And that was like their like throwaway gift.

Oh, cute. An iPod. Put them with the rest. Honestly, put them with the rest.

Yeah, but guess what? His parents got a divorce. My parents have been divorced forever.

Speaking of parents getting divorced, let's celebrate Christmas.

Here we go. What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked up in the sky?

What did Mrs. Claus... I want a divorce. I want a divorce. I want a criss-divorce.

You work one day a year. I'm tired of watching you waste my life away.

What did she say to Santa when she looked up into the sky?

Yeah, so Mrs. Claus, she's looking at the sky. She leans over to Santa and she says... Oh, I think I got it.

What? Would it be something she would say if she also put out her hand?

I don't know. Oh, not in a sexual way.

No, I didn't mean that at all.

Is she looking at the sun and she says, I want a son, why can't you give me a boy?

I was going to say that she looks up in the sky and she says, rain, dear, like it's pouring rain and Santa's her son. Yeah, that's right. Oh, it is right.

Looks like rain, dear.

I was going to say, people put out their hand in movies when they feel rain, even though it falls on your face and head and top. People do that in movies?

I guess I've never noticed.

I feel like people in movies, when it's raining, it's landing on them, but until they put out their hand, they don't recognize it. Oh, people in movies.

What do people in real life do, Adal, huh?

Put out your tongue, catch some of those deconstructed snowflakes. I guess I've never seen people in movies because I've only seen dogs. Sorry, you stepped on my joke. Catch some of these deconstructed snowflakes. Don't ever step on my joke again.

I can't believe we missed deconstructed snowflakes. I do want to see a scene between a despondent Mrs. Claus and a completely oblivious Santa Claus as they are standing outside discussing their marriage and their future.

Can we switch roles?

Yes, so Erin, I would like you to be Mrs. Claus.

No, I want to play. I never get to play a dude.

Oh, that's so arrogant of you to assume that you would be playing. You pointed at me. They don't know. They don't know. Yes, Erin, you'll be playing Santa Claus and Adal, you will be playing Mrs. Claus. And what do I want? You're despondent with this marriage. Okay, cool. Context clues.

Stop it. What? Stop it.

Stop it. Put on your fucking pants.

I've got a little bit of a buzz going. Come on, let's dance.

You're drunk.

Nobody wants to dance with you.

Todd, Todd, Todd.

Did you see me? Yeah.

You don't fly, okay? You reindeer haul your fat ass across the sky.

What?

I'm tired of you. Did you know that, did you know that last night you came home drunk bragging about how you ran over someone's grandma?

Yeah. Eggnog. Spiked eggnog. People even make cookies and eggnog and I'm drunk, drunk, drunk, drunk, drunk, drunk, drunk, drunk, drunk, drunk, drunk, drunk.

What is wrong? Where did, where did this come from? I settled down with the nicest, kindest, sweetest, gentlest guy I've ever known, and you've turned into this parody of yourself. You're like Jack Nicholson in The Departed. You're just playing yourself.

That's such a good movie.

Oh.

That's one of the best. That movie and Boondock Saints.

Erin, I'm going to give you a quick line read. This Santa is not from Boston. This Santa does not care about Boston. I want you to do what you're doing. Do what you're doing. This is just JPC breaking into the scene. This is a first for the show. This Santa does not like Boston.

Okay, got it. Totally clear. You good? Ho, ho, ho. Duck boats. Duck toys. Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum.

The Science Museum.

Legal seafood.

I've met someone.

Oh, is it one of the elves?

No, it's Dominic the Italian Christmas donkey. Dominic, get in here.

I'd rather not. And he's a Dracula. Come here. Look me in the eye. Do you think you're better than me? Look at me. Look at me.

I might be an ass, but you're a jackass. That's right. Dominic thinks you're a jackass. And Dominic, the Italian Christmas donkey, what are you making me in the morning? In the morning I'm making you the waffles.

Well I thought you were going to make me some pie.

You look like my reindeer except you can't fly.

Everybody eat my Italian donkey ass.

And Christmas. And here comes the second Warble Riddle.

Are we ready? I just love how Erin cannot help but be like, Boston's rich and Boston's great.

What does the snowman like to eat for breakfast?

Okay, so rural people like to eat ass for breakfast. Waffles. I feel like it's waffles.

So a snowman would eat ash? Carrots is his nose His eyes is coal. His hat makes him come to life. Buttons made out of coal. He's gonna scarf down some eggs. Most snowmen have egg allergies. Mrs. Snowman.

Adnan Saeed.

Yep.

Bo Burnham. Who's the season two guy? It's not Bo Burnham, that's a famous comedian.

No, it's Bo Burnham. Yeah, it's Bo Burnham. Bo Burnham.

Went to war. Bo Burnham deserted.

Came back hilarious. I like that Bo Burnham special, but he definitely deserted the Iraq War. The answer is obviously Frosted Flakes. Yeah, there you go. They're great, which the guy who voiced Tony the Tiger also voiced the Grinch, which is Jim Carrey.

Are we ready for another one?

Remember Tony the Tiger would always be like, somebody stop me. They're great, do not go in there. I'd like to ask you a few questions about the cereal.

What do elves learn in school?

All right, science, religion, elf religion, religion, elf religion.

JPC, I want you to do, just give me the first line of whatever their version of the Bible is, the elf Bible.

In an elf voice. Okay, the first version, the first line of the elf Bible in an elf voice.

In the beginning, there were cookies. I'm so glad I asked. And then it just gets darker and darker. And then years of plague and pestilence. One ring to rule them all, one ring to bind them. The first elf board was sacrificed to appease the dark god, but did it work? No, no, no, no. Welcome to Disneyland!

What do elves learn in school? Bullying. Carpentry. Workshop.

Yeah. That's a reasonable answer.

Yeah, so let's move on. Because elves work in the workshop?

It's more of like a play on the word elf. If I'm being honest.

Oh, okay. Social stud elves. What do elves... Elfistry. Elves learn in school? Biology elf. Mathemelfics. Mathemelfics. Now think of like a little kid elf. That's what Stifler studies, am I right?

What are one of the first things elves learn when they go to school? They're little five-year-old elves.

They learn to count and then they learn the... A, B... shelves. A, B, C, elves.

What is that called, though?

The... Alphabet.

Alphabet!

Alpha-belf. Alpha-belf. Oh, it's so graceful.

Yeah, I wanted to get you back on the road, but your alpha-belf is broke, so... How much is this gonna cost me?

Two cookies? Three cookies? Why are Christmas trees bad at knitting?

No fingers. Because they're trees. Yeah. Easy. Easy, easy, easy.

Yeah.

Because they forget to knit.

Oh, that's way funnier than... Yes.

They get a little tinsel in their fingers. Tinselitis. Tingle, yeah, tinselitis.

Tinselitis.

I've got tinselitis. Why do... Why are Christmas trees... What is it?

Why are Christmas trees bad at knitting?

Spires? Conifer. Seeds. Roots. Is this something that you put on a Christmas tree, like tinsel or ornaments?

No, it is part of the tree. Branch?

What are their leaves? Bark. Christmas trees have pines.

Pines? Leaves. The green part. Pines?

Needles. They have no needles. They're all needles. What are you, fucking leaves on a Christmas tree?

Because they always drop their needles.

Well, that's the same with the heroin addict.

Oh my God. That means the tree has died. What a dark riddle for Christmas.

I'd like to see a scene. JPC, I want you to play a dying Christmas tree. I'm always playing a ghost dog. I said dying Christmas tree. I heard what I wanted to hear. And Erin, you're going to play the young woman on Christmas Day who's just, that tree was everything she had. That was the only family she celebrated Christmas with was this tree.

Come on, come on Peter, wake up. Don't leave me like this.

And

Susie, can I- level with you, you're going to ruin a lot of relationships in your life.

We take you to the ER. Ma'am, is this your tree? Yes. I'm sorry to say that the tree has passed. I tried to inject the tree with an antidote for aging, but being a doctor, I dropped the needle. I'm always dropping needles.

Are you sure? I'm pregnant with his baby. I can't raise this baby alone.

That has been such a common occurrence today. That baby's not going to come out easy. Are you a husband? No, it's just... Pardon me, Doctor.

Do you have a moment? Yes. As the hospital administrator, it is my duty to inform you that you are fired.

Well, that's fine. I'll just retreat to my bedside manner.

So it's this kind of stuff that is the reason why you're fired. It's your little jokes, your little puns, and your little jokes, and you've got to be the most clever doctor in the room.

Nobody respects Dr. Bo Burnham, huh?

My sap just broke. There's sap all over the ground. I'm going into labor right now.

And Christmas. Bedside manner. You just had that ready, didn't you?

I have one more warm-up riddle for you.

One more what? I like this one being a warm-up by the Fire Riddle.

This one is the one you'll hate most of all.

Oh interesting, so it'll take Adal's place. We're all laughing because hey, we know it's true.

What do you call a person who is afraid of Santa Claus?

I'm Come on. Scaredy Claws? Pregnant Claws. Pregnant Paws. Pregnant Paws.

Someone who's afraid of Santa Claus? Someone who's afraid of Santa Claus. What are his other names? Jolly St. Nick, Old Man Prezzies. Old Man Prezzies. What are some other names for Santa?

What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa Claus? An anti-clause, ooh, anti-disestablishment clausetarian.

There you go, the longest word in Christmas. Can we get a hint?

No. Okay, well we had to ask.

Well, we know we're gonna hate this one.

Well, it sounds like a fear of something else.

Oh, something phobia, so arachnophobia, Santa phobia.

Is arachnophobia the first phobia?

You're so close, you're saying Santa phobia.

Santa clarophobia. No, what's Santa's... Clause, phobia clause, clausophobia. Claustrophobic. Claustrophobic. There you go. I like it.

Yeah, why not? Actually, let's do one more warm-up riddle.

You'll get this right away. I want to hate it. I do.

I do. Are you ready?

Really quick. Yeah.

What does Santa do in his garden?

Fuck. Yup. Ho ho ho. Ho ho ho. You're right. We would get that right away. He plants Santa shells. What is it? Ho ho ho. Oh, it is.

Ho ho ho. Ho ho ho.

He ho ho hos.

Um, okay. We're going to play a bunch of fun little quizzy trivia Christmas games. Can I get a yes, please? Yes, please. I can't believe I got you to do that.

Me neither. Before we kick off into these Christmas quizzes and pixels, let's take a little break and we'll be right back. You're listening to Hey Riddle Riddle with Adal Rifai, John Patrick Coan, and Erin Keif.

Hey Erin, you're a pretty unique person, would you agree?

Yeah, I'm pretty and unique.

You're unique.

Okay.

Or are you nitty? Yeah. What do you sleep on?

Sometimes it's just like a bunch of newspapers stacked on top of each other of like when I've been in the news. And sometimes it's JPC.

That's a pretty thin file of newspapers. Local girl falls downstairs. What? I said local girl falls downstairs. Does it on purpose. Goes to jail. Well Erin, because of your unique pretty makeup, I don't know how to phrase this, you should be sleeping on the Helix mattress that JPC and I got you.

Yeah, yeah, I mean we know that sometimes people have been like, don't sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, but they mean don't side sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, don't hot sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, because we know that everybody sleeps different. Well, the Helix Sleep Mattress is designed for people who sleep in a variety of different ways.

And you can take a quiz. And it's not the type of quiz that you can fail, so don't worry about that. I worry about that. But it's just a quiz to get to know what kind of sleeper you are.

You took the Helix Sleep quiz, Erin, and you got a don't sleep, right?

The first F ever.

You can find that quiz at helixsleep.com slash riddle. It only takes two minutes, and it's going to match your specific makeup to a mattress that's right for you.

Yeah, that's why they call it Helix Sleep, because it relies on double helix, so you just enter your DNA into the quiz, and then it tells you what kind of mattress is your soulmate, basically.

And it tells you what kind of mattresses your ancestors slept on. I mean, you'll see that in your dreams.

Yeah, that'll be something that, they don't promise that, but that is something that comes in most people's dreams.

And they have a 10-year warranty, and you get to try it for 100 nights, risk-free.

They have a 10-year warranty?

Warranty, yeah, 10-year warranty, and 100 nights risk-free.

There is a little loophole here because they say 100 nights, but you also get the 100 days as well.

Oh, do you?

So you can sleep in the mattress 24 hours a day for 100 days.

For now. And for me specifically, for Adal Rifai, those are Arabian days and Arabian nights. That's true. All 100.

And that's not something any of the rest of us feel comfortable saying.

And if you sleep next to a partner, half the mattress can be for you, and the other half of the mattress could be for your partner.

Or, you know, you could do three quarters. Just with sprawl, with arms and legs. But right now Helix is offering up to $125 off all mattress orders. That's $125 off. To get your $125 off at helixsleep.com slash riddle. That's helixsleep.com slash riddle for up to $125 off your mattress order. Don't sleep on this deal. That's not theirs, that's mine.

I guess the way I sleep is I clutch a pillow and I kiss it.

Yeah, I do the same thing, but the pillow's in between my legs.

How I sleep is, you know when you get someone in that, like, choke hold? Like, with your leg?

Oh, like Xena did for James Bond in that movie?

Exactly. Eye squeeze? Yeah, that's what my blankets do to me.

That's HelixSleep.com slash Riddle. Of course, on the pillow I write, not a pillow. Right. So when I kiss, did it make sense?

Naturally. You're pretty unique.

HelixSleep.com slash Riddle.

I saw three ships come sailing in on Christmas Day in the morning And I don't know any songs.

The only one I know is the one about, uh, It's cold, let's have some sex. Don't leave here, let's just screw. And it's like, that one's the bad one, right?

I think if you were a Christmas song JPC, you'd be Santa Baby.

That's, is that the bad one that I was singing?

No, it's the even, somehow even creepier.

Santa Baby's the one with the little baby voice. It's like Santa Baby. Here's my secret. My whole like last ten years. I'm always angry. The whole last 10 years of my life, anytime I hear a word or several words that have a certain tone to them, I sing them to the song of Santa Baby. Can you give me an example? So if you know, if I were to say like, crispy apples, like if someone's like, crispy apples, I'd be like, crispy apples, hurry down the chimney tonight. Is this like a way to remember crispy apples? It's just a sickness I have?

Yeah. I'm familiar with ways that my brain is broken.

So someone's like, you listen to that new Papa Roach-y album? I'm like, Papa Roach-y? You know how people call Papa Roach, Papa Roach-y? Yeah, I do. Or Paparazzi. Paparazzi. Paparazzi. You know that Paparazzi used to be in Papa Roach. When it was Pavarotti. Eggs and bacon.

Yeah. So anything, anything that just fits that.

If it's eggs and bacon, I'll be like, eggs and bakey get inside my tummy right now. Yum yum. Yeah. Okay. So it's that kind of stuff, but it's nonstop to where.

And then everyone gets up from the brunch table and hasn't talked to you for several weeks.

But it's to where the people in my life are like, please, please don't.

So if you have, if you have like a series of words like that that reminds you of Santa Baby, please tweet Adal a suggestion for a therapist. It could be a local, it could be Skype, whatever. If you have that, please tweet that to Adal.

He just needs the help and he could use every answer. Here's the, when we first came up with it, I mean it took, it took... When we first came up with it? Well, I guess when I first said it, but it took my brain. When we said Riddy Kitty, like, Riddy Kitty, hurry down the chimney to ride. So, just know that that's always taking place in my brain, and it can't be turned off. Known and immediately forgotten, my friend.

So, I am a thief, and I have stolen from Adal. Remember Riddleween? Is that what it was called? Sure.

Yeah, why not?

Whatever our Halloween episode was.

Hey Spooky Spooky.

Hey Spooky Spooky, this is sort of what we did. So I'm going to do a couple of movie-based, Christmas movie-based quizzes. Oh, that's great. And the first one, I'm just directly stealing from Adal. Okay. So the first one is I'm going to tell you a line from a Christmas movie. Okay. And you're going to tell me what the movie is.

It's not stealing. We're all partners here and we can freely share. I'm so Scrooged.

Nice. Erin, it is too late, but would you rather the show be called Sleigh Riddle Riddle or Sleigh Jingle Jingle?

Hmm think about it. I'll think about it. I think sleigh jingle jingle cuz that just is nonsense.

It's too late. Okay, it's far too late.

Are you ready? Yes Look daddy teacher says every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings That is from Christmas story Christmas vacation You'll shoot your wings.

Wait, what are we doing? It's a wonderful life. Okay, that's the one that glorifies suicide. Mm-hmm

Next one, are we ready? Snow, snow, snow, snow.

Canadian River.

Frozen. No, it's being sung though.

Frozen.

Snow, snow, snow.

Can she hear me? Is my mic on? Frozen.

No, it's not Frozen.

Snow, snow, snow. That could be any Christmas movie ever made. Can you sing it? I'm doing it.

Snow, snow, snow, snow.

Describe the person who's singing it.

Four people are on a train and each of them are singing.

Speed. Big Crosby is one of them. Danny Kaye is another. I just saw this, White Christmas. I just saw that for the first time last Christmas.

I love that movie. Okay.

Danny Kaye is America's clown.

This one should be obvious.

I don't know how to respond to that.

I love Danny Kaye. Why am I such a misfit? I am not just a nitwit. Just because my nose glows, why don't I fit in?

It's gotta be something with Rudolph. No, it's a drunk. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

Yeah, you got it.

That's the name of that movie? Yeah. Christmas sucks.

Let's Do It. Let's go get the shit kicked out of us by love.

Grease 2. Go.

Yep, Grease 2. The famous Christmas movie.

Let's do it.

Let's do it. Let's go get the shit kicked out of us by love.

Love Actually. Yes. That movie sucks too. I love Love Actually. Yeah, sure. You're a simpleton.

When that little kid's running through the airport to stop that much older girl.

It's made for dum-dums like you. Guy with the signs outside of her apartment.

Wait, wait. Before you go on, there's a quiz just about that movie. Oh, really? Hold on to your butt.

What does sign number four say?

Yeah, what's sign number four say?

I'm just a man standing in front of a man. Man in the cannons. Yep. A man in black.

The next line is, I was wrong when I told you that, Susie. You must believe in Mr. Kringle and keep right on doing it. You must have faith in him.

This is going to be a miracle on the 34th Street.

Everyone was named Susie in the old days.

Sometimes you just have to slap them in the face just to get their attention.

I think a waiter told me that. Sir, I said you need to pay your check, we are closing.

There's a waiter at the Cheesecake Factory in Minneapolis. He hit me as hard as I've ever been hit. Sometimes you have to slap, what is it?

Sometimes you have to slap them in the face just to get their attention.

Best Christmas movie of all time, Die Hard. Bruce Almighty.

Nope, Scrooge. When the thermometer gets all reddish the temperature goes up and when the temperature goes up I start to melt and when I start to melt I get all wishy-washy

I'm not hot. I'm just drawn that way.

Is it?

You got it. Nice.

This is an easy one. I want an official Red Rider carbine action 200 shot range model air rifle.

That's the Christmas story, right?

Mm-hmm.

That one's the one that just plays incessantly all day every day on Christmas when you're my family. Correct?

Mm-hmm. It's from my family. TBS or TNT.

Very funny, very drama.

Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn, the clean, cool chill of the holiday air, and an asshole in his bathrobe emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer.

That's going to be Chevy Chase as Clark Griswold talking to Randy Quaid, who has since gone bananas.

Oh yeah, he's full grown. He full grown.

In what movie?

A Christmas Vacation?

next one is hey I'm not afraid anymore I said I'm not afraid anymore do you hear me I'm not afraid anymore it that's frozen no it's it that's legit a line from it so I don't know what this is but I just saw that movie recently and that's a line from it I'm not afraid anymore the clown eats his finger elf no here's another hint Home Alone Erin ate an entire pizza.

I did eat an entire pizza today.

Erin reached into her bag, pulled out a tarantula, dropped it on JP's face, then hit him over the head with a can of paint.

She bogged her head with a bowling ball real hard and we instantly knew what it was. Crushed up ornaments, put it at our feet, made us walk over them, heated up the doorknob. She shot us all with a Tommy gun and called us a dirty animal.

I burned the roof of my mouth today because I didn't wait for my pizza to cool. I needed it so bad.

That is the line from the Sad Sad movie, Erin's Life.

I did that all the time with tea except I didn't fucking need that tea. I actually hated that I had to drink it.

Are we ready?

Spongebob Squarepants. Yes, the Spongebob movie.

This one's really long. I'm just gonna have to read the end.

Just read every third word.

Oh God, no. You hate Christmas. You're gonna steal it. Saving Christmas is a lousy ending. Way too commercial. Action!

Action.

Truman Show. Yeah, Truman Show.

I've doubled down on that. Here's your motivation. Your name is Rudolph. You're a freak with a red nose and no one likes you. Then one day, Santa picks you and you save Christmas. No, forget that part. We'll improvise. Just keep it kind of loosey-goosey. You hate Christmas. You're gonna steal it. Saving Christmas is a lousy ending. Way too commercial. Action! Way too commercial. Sorry.

I keep checking to see if there's any recognition in KJ's face when we read these. And I'm pleased to announce they haven't gotten a single fucking one of these.

I'll tell you what that one is. Who Hates Christmas? This is easy. Heather Grinch.

Heather Grinch told Christmas.

And then this is the last one, and it's obviously obvious. You did it. Congratulations. World's best cup of coffee. Great job, everybody. It's great to meet you.

A Folgers commercial.

Oh, have you seen that Folgers commercial by the way where the brother comes home and Everyone's seen that commercial. The sexual tension commercial. And everyone's made the same joke. I don't have a joke for it. I just was sharing a moment.

It's just 1997 called.

I would say that's one of the most romantic commercials of all time.

It is one of the most romantic commercials of all time. You are from Boston. But you know, but they're actors, those people. And if I were paid to act like I wanted to fuck my brother, you could bet your ass I'd be cashing that check, ha! And we're going to take another break for our sponsor, Brotherfucker.com. Brothersonly.com. That could be a thing. I'm sorry?

Oh, so I just have more games. I was wondering if you'd like to play some games.

Wait, wait, wait. What's the answer to that one? I really don't know. Is it really a Folgers commercial?

Oh, it's Elf.

Oh.

Congratulations. World's best cup of coffee.

I like that Erin was willing to just move on and be like... Oh, I thought that you knew it and you were just... No, I've never seen Elf. I've barely seen any Christmas movies. I know I've seen parts of A Christmas Story because it's been on, like, in the background for my whole life. But if you were like, hey, let's watch a Christmas movie, I would instead just leave.

I, when I first moved to Chicago, I was, this is, don't freak out when I tell you this, I was an extra in the movie, now I can't remember the name of it, the movie with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn. The Breakup. The Breakup. I just watched that movie on the airplane. I was an extra in The Breakup and two things happened to me of note. I was in many scenes over the course of many weeks and it was very sad to shoot this. The first scene I was in was at Wrigley Field and as I was an extra I waved at Jennifer Aniston and she ran up to me and hugged me because I think she thought that I was someone she knew. And she was very tiny with a very large head. And the other thing of note is that while we were shooting a scene at the Riviera I got put front row for a concert with the old 97s playing. So I was in that scene and the camera was going to be on me like jumping up and down cheering and singing along to the songs. And then the guy who is Ralphie in Christmas Story was directing the movie and he saw that my shirt had a little American Eagle logo on it and he came over and he goes, what's that? And I go, it's a logo. And he goes, you have to leave. And I go, what? And he goes, we can't have any logos in the shot. And I go, I can take off the shirt. And he goes, no, it's too late, leave. So he ruined my life. Wait, he fired you? I didn't get fired. I don't think that would have been your big break. I had to go to the like the balcony or the very back. I was supposed to be like featured fan and that guy, I forget his name because it's really drastically changed my life. Yeah. I blocked it out, but he Fucked me.

Yeah, don't wear a logo, dumbass. You fucked yourself. I just watched this movie on an airplane because it's on Netflix now. It does not age well. Like, Vince Vaughn is bad in this movie. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. There's nothing redeemable about him. The scene at the Riviera, afterwards there's a scene that takes place where like someone in the background is selling posters and merch. That's my sister, Sadia. Really? You were both extras in that movie?

Oh, yeah. That's awesome. That's how we first met. That's, hey, that's funny because that's your sister.

Folgers. You get to decide what happens next. Do you want to do the Love Actually game or do you want to do a lightning round of something?

Love, actually. I actually don't believe we decide what happens next. God decides what happens when we're born.

Great, so we're going to do love, actually. I want you to try to name all of the couples or storylines in love, actually.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Well, how much time do we have? Wait, what?

I don't have to tell you that.

Wait, all the couples and storylines? Here we go. We've got Prime Minister and the woman he loves, who's his secretary. Secretary. We have Liam Neeson and his dead wife.

We have Sherlock and Laura Linney, right?

We have Sherlock and Laura Linney's. No wait, is that Laura Linney? Yeah. We have Alan Rickman and his... Sherlock and Laura Linney? Not Sherlock, the guy who plays Watson.

He's in that movie.

Yeah, they have nothing to do with each other in that movie. Martin Freeman? You can't just start...

The two porn people.

You are casting a wide net. Laura Linney is not the one in the porn.

No, she's not. She is in the movie. Laura Linney and her brother who's having troubles and the guy from Lost who was in one episode. Yes, yes, yes.

A very attractive Argentinian man. And then Watson is in the porn one.

We have the gangly skinny blonde who goes to America to have sex with January Jones and Denise Richards. Is Hugh Grant in there at all? Yeah, we already talked about that. He's the Prime Minister. We have the little boy and the girl who voices Marceline in Adventure Time. We have America and the love for the movie itself.

You're forgetting some majors.

Did we do guy with the cue cards and what's... No, you haven't. That's the main one. So newlyweds and best friend, best man. Yes. Stalking the wife. Yes.

Okay. We're missing like, I would say three major.

Three major? Did I mention Alan Rickman and the woman at work who looks like a fish?

Yeah.

And then his wife who is... And his wife who listens to Joni Mitchell while she's heartbroken.

And her brother is Hugh Grant.

Is any of, are any of these Laura Linney yet? Because she's in this movie.

You already did that. We already did that. She's in love with the Argentinian. Yes. And you did it with her and her brother too. Paolo. Now you're still, now you're just missing like two, two.

Oh boy. Oh, Bill Nye. Yes. The rockstar guy. What's his real name? Bill Nye He. Yeah. Bill Nye He. Bill Nye is a very different character. Bill Nye He. He's a different person. And his manager.

Yep. And now there's one more.

And... I'm forgetting one. Boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. There's one more?

Yeah, it's like a major one.

And Liam Neeson.

No.

And the people who took his daughter. Yeah, now.

It's another really famous person with a not so famous, not, I don't know them from anything.

What's the actor? Male, female?

I'm not gonna tell, well that's, well if I say the actor. Male or female.

Will I get it?

The more famous one is male.

Isn't that always the fucking case, Hollywood? So sick of this shit. Who are we missing?

Who are we missing from love, actually? Give us a hint.

Give us a hint, then!

I had a crush on this person growing up. Give us a hint!

So it is Roy Orbison. Are they a British person? An actor? Yes. Are they older?

It's Oliver Platt.

I don't want to give it too much away.

Is it Oliver Platt? Is it Pierce Brosnan?

He has been in a movie with Pierce Brosnan recently.

Oh, was he in Mamma Mia? Colin Firth in the woman who loses all his papers, who can't speak English. Colin Firth is a little smokestack, isn't he?

I like him in The Pride and Prejudice. Oh, and Bridget Jones is there.

Smokeshow. Smokestack's kind of fun. Yeah, it's a poison.

Bonus points if you can guess my favorite storyline or my second favorite storyline.

Is it the one where Laura Linney fucks Sherlock?

Yep, moving on.

Nice, I got those bonus points. What's your, your favorite one is the newlywed? No. No, yeah.

Your favorite one is Conan Forth.

No. I like, I like looking at him though.

The Prime Minister? No?

That's the runner-up one. I like how they're just calling her overweight the whole time and she's stunningly beautiful and perfect.

It's not as fun to try and recall your opinion, which we don't know.

Well, just guess.

Well, this is the same as us guessing all of the bloodlines.

It's the porn one.

Is it the porn one?

I like Martin Freeman a lot.

Well, well, well. Martin Freeman, you little hobbit. You can get it any day of the week, my man.

You little smokestack. Lightning round.

Ooh.

Lightning on Christmas? How gauche.

I'm going to give you a game that Adal invented. I'm going to give you the tagline to the movie and you're going to tell me the movie.

Perfected. Let it be clear, I invented this.

He invented this.

This is called the Adal game, right?

Oh wait, before we move on, I would like to see a scene and I want you two to be in a cut scene from Love Actually. A whole cut plot line? A whole cut plot line from Love Actually. But you're connected somehow by something, but yeah.

Excuse me, sir. Oh, yeah? Would you like to sample some of this brisket here at this store?

Oh, mate, this is embarrassing. I work at this store. I work at this store, too. How come I've never seen you? I've never seen you before. Would you like to sample some of this pineapple, guys? Nah. I don't want any of that brisket either. Fuck off then.

Hey, we're gonna cut real quick. Hey, Buds.

Yes. Which Bud? Are you talking to us? Bud Anderson or Bud Sullivan?

Both Buds. Both Buds. Hey, you're supposed to fall in love, so I need the sexual tension to be turned up to about a hundred.

I know we're supposed to fall in love, but I'm doing my best to fall in love with this guy, but he's giving me nothing.

Can I just say something, Miss Director? Oh, she called action. Billy Bob Thornton is playing opposite me right now, which is incredible. Wouldn't he be better served as like the American president rather than a grocer?

And action.

Movies are what I love best. Hey, do you want to come over tonight? I'm making a Sunday roast.

I can bring the pineapple glaze if you can provide the roasting. You know what they say about pineapple? What is it they say about pineapple? They say if you eat it. Hard on the outside, soft and yellow in the middle. Oh, of course, pineapple soft. I wouldn't call it hard. Ooh, this is hard.

Cut, this is too much sexual tension. I need you to dial it back.

Well, I mean, let me know and I'll do what you ask.

And scene. Okay, we ready for this la la la la la lightning round.

We need to get celebrities to film that scene and then put it into... We don't necessarily need to get the celebrities we mentioned, just any celebrities.

It could be Tony Danza, Matt LeBlanc, Wilmer Valderrama, Matt LeBlanc, Wilder Valderrama, and Tony Danza all filmed that scene.

Have you been reading my diary? All those men in one place?

Colin Firth here.

Are we ready? Yes. A family comedy without the family.

Casper. These are Halloween riddles, right? This is the movie tagline. Oh, Four Christmases.

Home Alone. They're making memories tonight.

They're making memories tonight. Memento. Cats.

It's a Wonderful Life. The ultimate romantic comedy. Love Actually. Inside a snowflake like the one on your sleeve, there happened a story you must see to believe.

Frosty the Snowman. Inside a Snowflake, Men in Black. The whole universe exists inside those two marbles.

What story happens inside a snowflake?

Frozen. Men in Black.

Inside a Snowflake.

The Grinch! How the Grinch stole Christmas. That takes place inside a snowflake?

What do you mean? Who's are inside of a snowflake?

What do you mean? Are you serious? I'm not even joking. The Grinch, the movie The Grinch takes place Does the book take place instead of snowflake? I'm standing up screaming.

I'm literally screaming, I'm dying, I'm dead. Fortnite, dab on my haters graves, 420, I'm literally dead.

In the Dr. Seuss universe, the who's are really really tiny and small. Sometimes they're like on a leaf. Like one of those like dandelion things.

I don't know how I missed this. They're inside of a snowflake. So how is there, so there's Who's and there's a Grinch, whatever thing he is.

What is he?

He's a monster. All these movies are fucking nonsense. I can believe that, that those all live inside the community of a snowflake. I believe that biology. How is a dog in a snowflake? Riddle me that.

Experience the miracle.

No, no, no. Oh, the Kurt Russell hockey movie, Miracle.

Miracle on 34th Street. This holiday, discover your inner... Blake? This holiday, discover your inner... Elf. Yes.

Never even seen the movie.

His father, her mother, his mother, and her father all in one day.

Fuck party. Christmas fuck. Key party. How the Grinch stole key parties. Four Christmases. Twelve, twenty-seven just-misses.

Yule, like Yule Log. Crack up.

crack crack crack log you'll crack up you'll crack up fireplace the what's a comedy from Christmas Christmas it's got a Christmas comic Oh family vacation this Christmas the snow hits the fan Okay, so it's a sh- It's a sh- I love Christmas! It's a shit movie. It's a shit pun, so... No... Oh, uh, The Christmas Trap.

The Santa Claus.

Fuck! Wait, that's the tagline for the Santa Claus? You know he kills Santa in the beginning of that movie? That's what I hear.

A tribute to the original, traditional, 100% red-blooded, two-fisted, all-American Christmas.

Diehard. Diehard.

A Christmas story.

What?

Rediscover the Joy of Christmas.

Any Christmas movie. What's the Toys for Tots? What's the Arnold Schwarzenegger one?

Oh, Rediscover. It's the live, die, repeat. Oh, Edge of Tomorrow.

We were overthinking this one. It's a Christmas Carol. He's very naughty and not very nice.

JFK. Christmas Fun Party. Jesus.

JFK, the original Grinch.

Sorry, I don't like Catholics. He's very naughty and not very nice. Fred Faust.

Yeah, there you go.

Fuck!

I was just doing my Billy Bob Thornton.

Speaking of Billy Bob Thornton, There Glows the Neighborhood, Christmas Lights the Movie.

Christmas Lights the Movie! They turned that book into a movie.

That makes more sense. Can you give me just a moment from the pinnacle scene of Christmas Lights the Movie?

Well, they're all up. Neighbor, what do you think? Well, there's nothing left to do but plug them in. Alright, here we go. And I have my female end. Okay, you got your mail in. Sorry, there's too much sexual tension in this. Or am I more supposed to work with a person like this?

And Christmas. And Christmas. Where was I? Oh, two dads, one toy, no prisoners. You already kind of know. Jingle all the way.

Yep. Yeah.

Journey beyond imagination. Space Jam.

No. The Never Ending Story. Journey Beyond Imagination. Oh, Journey's live album.

You have to get on to some transportation.

Hogwarts.

There you go. Santa's brother is coming to town.

Freddy Klaus.

You did it.

Speaking of Vince Vaughn, so much.

He did it.

What is the appeal of Vince Vaughn? I'll go against Hollywood's biggest, most darling boy, Vince Vaughn. I'll go against him today. He tall man. He's tall. John Favreau, he writes swingers. The beginning of the movie, The Breakup, Vince Vaughn sees Jennifer Aniston at a baseball game and harasses her. Just straight up harasses her. Just approaches her and is like, where are we going to dinner? What's going on later tonight? Where are we going to end up together? And she's like, ha ha, get away, get away. And he's like, I'm here for the long haul. Your boyfriend's a loser. It's like not charming at all. And those bad efforts are rewarded? Yeah, oh yeah. Well, actually no, it's called The Breakup. He gets dumped.

Good.

And then he played Bane in Batman.

I was born in swingers. You are a swinger. I was born in it. I was born as John Favreau's teat.

Gotham. Your people.

Vegas, baby. Vegas, baby. You got these claws. You don't know what to do with them. Owen Wilson's my friend. Her little head is bleeding out all over the yard.

I'm going to help you through this, but you're going to recite together.

It was the night before Christmas Okay, I'm going to make this very difficult for you And I know that about you and that's why I saved it to the end Thought about doing this at the top and knew it would take the entire time Okay, so this is the part of the show where we have to ask the listeners to pause the podcast Pick this back up on December 24th Around what like 11 p.m. ?

I'd say so.

Yeah, leave your family, leave your stupid ass family.

Call your girlfriend.

Or right before midnight mass.

Yes. Right before midnight, as Robin says. Right before midnight mass when all the good deals go up, right?

I love, I love going to midnight mass on Christmas Eve. It's the one time I really go to church every year.

I love, I love, I love my calendar girl. They make it fun, right? They make it drunk.

Everyone's like shows up a little bit toasty. Everyone in town is wearing party outfits.

Erin, I think that that's just Boston after 10 p.m. Boston after 10 p.m. When I say 10 p.m. I mean 10 a.m. It's a town full of drunks.

Yeah, I think you're right.

Yeah, they're all walking the freedom trail when I do the thing where I'm smoking weed with my fingers.

Erin, can you give me just a 10-second chunk, 10-second nugget, what it might sound like if Bain was from Boston?

Gotham, your people, oh god I don't want to do this, I'm tired.

I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. And this is going to be, of course, a Boston Baked Bane. What? This is a Boston Baked Bane.

Bane, oh Bane.

Boston Baked Bane.

Gotham, Gotham, your people, oh Gotham, Jesus. Gotham, can you get your goddamn shit together for once? God, go to church, figure your goddamn stuff out. Oh, Gotham. Fuck Batman. Okay.

You live in Fenway. I was born in it.

Red Sox Batman.

Oh brother. Perfect. Are we ready? Yes. Although my mom was going to be offended by me saying that about Midnight Mass. Also, they sing Silent Night at the end and they turn down all the lights and it's lovely.

How's that coward Mitch going to feel about what you said about Midnight Mass?

He's just going to be a coward about it. He's going to be a total coward. Why won't you fight me? He will. He will, I know he will. Alright, ready? Yes. You know the beginning, so just start.

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even my wife.

What a bad show we do. What a bad job we do across the board. Not even a mouse. Wait.

The kids were upstairs waiting for Santa to crawl upstairs and check on them. The children were snuggled. The stockings were hung with chimney Chimney Delight. The stockings were hung with chimney... Chimney Delight. No, we need the last... The stockings were hung with care, or is it care? We should alternate lines. Okay. So it was the night before Christmas. And off to the house. Not a creature was stirring. Not even a mouse. The stockings were hung... Something... So that's one line, by the chimney with care. By the chimney with care. In West Philadelphia, Lord and Raise, on a chimney where I spend most of my days, I'm a stocking. On a chimney with care. The stockings were hung on the chimney with care. In hopes.

In hopes that.

That.

Saint.

Saint Nick. Soon. Would bring them a bear.

Soon would be there. Soon would be there.

The.

The.

Children.

The children were asleep.

Were nestled.

Were nestled in.

All snug in their beds.

All snug in their beds.

The children were nestled or snug in the bed. The children were nestled. The daddy was fucking.

Nope.

The mommy gave head.

Well visions of sugar plums danced in their heads. It's gonna take way too long.

Visions of sugar plums. I knew that one. But mine is pretty accurate.

We're gonna do one more like little chunk of this and then we'll move on.

Can we contact our lawyer and see if we can change...

Our lawyer is just JPC in a mustache.

And he will not take our calls. This artifact of a poem to say that daddy was fucking and mommy gave head.

With visions of sugar plums dancing their head. Dancing their head? Dancing their head.

And I in my kerchief had just settled down.

You got, yeah, you knew the kerchief part.

And I in my kerchief had just settled down. Is that right? Had just taken a nap. No. No.

Someone else is wearing the kerchief.

And Ma in her kerchief.

And Mama.

And Mama in her kerchief. And I. In my cap.

Yeah.

And I in my cap had just settled down for a long winter's nap. Yes.

Had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap.

I'll give you that one. That doesn't sound right. Yeah, it's our brains. The Halloween episode. When?

When?

Up on the roof there arose such a clatter.

went out on the lawn.

What'd you do next?

I popped

Up the stairs to see what's the matter.

I sprang. I'm loving this. I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

I got out my gun and loaded two shells.

It's a stand your ground state, so they'll go to hell.

Line by line.

Away to the window I flew like a flash.

I threw open the windows and opened the sash.

Yeah, I got it. Tor opened the shutters and threw up the sash.

Can I have this? I need this one. Yeah, you got this. I need this one so bad.

Tor opened the shutters and, wait, what is it?

Tor opened the shutters and threw up the sash.

The sash being a sign to my local crew to come run that.

The moon.

The moon.

I don't know this line, but I get to say a word I love to say.

The moon was so bright I could hardly believe.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow. Love the word breast.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow.

And have we rhymed with snow yet? No, we have not. The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow looked down at my pants. Why this thing grow?

Yep, and that's the end. I think we did a pretty decent job.

What was the actual line? What was the actual line?

Oh God, it's gone. Oh, it comes but once a year. Oh, gave the luster of midday to objects below.

Gave the luster of midday. Those two last lines feel a little tacked on.

And what am I wondering? I should appear, but a miniature sleigh and a tiny reindeer with an old driver so lively and quick I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick. More rapid than eagles, his coursers they came, and he whistled, I don't know, and shouted, and called them by name. Now dasher, now dancer. Oh, how about you do these?

Okay. Now Dasher, now Dancer, now Blitzen, Plantser, now Blitzen, Donner, David. What does it rhyme with? Blitzen? Critson? Ditson. Hey Stephanie? Ditson.

Hi, I'm Ditson. I am one of the reindeer. What are we doing? I'm single.

There's a reindeer that rhymes with Blitzen that's not Blitzen? Yeah. Schmitzen? Schmitty!

Now Dasher, now... Dancer.

Now Prancer.

Now... Vixen. Vixen. There you go.

On... Donner.

Nope.

Carol.

On... space thing. On... Elon Musk. I'm on the Herald team. On... Comet. Yeah, that's a really inside baseball thing.

Thank you. On... Are we talking space or are we talking baseball? Valentine's Day. What? Massacre.

On Comet. On... Kisses. Cupid. Cupid. On... Brand. And then you know these last two.

Blitzen? Donner and Blitzen.

Yep, you got it. Now, to take us out, I'm going to give you a Christmas song, each a Christmas song. We're going to go back and forth, and then you have to say a full line from that Christmas song. Fuck. Ready? Drummer Boy.

He had no gifts to give, pa rum pum pum pum.

You said it like you're being interrogated. Is that correct?

A sniper trained on your head.

Is that sort of right?

He had no gifts for me.

I have no gifts to bring.

Well, before we move on to the next one.

I'm going to stomp the yard.

I want to be the three wise men. Okay. And we're headed out. We're leaving the house. We're on our way to meet Jesus.

Okay. I can't find my keys. What?

I can't find my keys.

Oh, you didn't hear? What? That guy stole them at that key party.

Yeah, you didn't hear that? You didn't hear the news? That guy stole your keys?

All right, let's just focus on the task at hand. We don't need to bring up what I did last night.

Plus, you don't need a key to ignite the camel, so let's just get on with it.

So what did you guys buy?

This is the key to ignition and something fresh.

What did you buy for the baby?

I bought, look around, look around, look around, sand. I brought some sand because it signifies time. You know how sand's in an hourglass? Oh. Where it's like, it's time for a king to be born. So that it's symbolic.

Can we, can I put my name on that?

Yeah yeah yeah so that's from both of us.

I got gold frankincense and myrrh. I don't know I think that's a new baby in the world.

Here's an omelet with white truffle, black truffle, and gold.

It's a little gauche don't you think? Look, Mercantrides, we're going to do you a favor. Why don't we split that gift between the three of us? Honestly, it's going to make you look like less of an asshole.

You think so?

Yeah.

Well, then I'm definitely bringing the gold.

Then I'll do dibs on myrrh. Wait, what's what?

Yeah, so we don't know what frankincense and myrrh is. Why don't we all say the gold is from all three of us, and then we'll do the frankincense and the myrrh, the sand in a bag, and that'll be kind of like a, that's like, this is also it's with the gold.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. What if, Josh, what if I bring bronze and you bring silver? Okay, asshole, where am I gonna get silver? Because I don't have any silver. Golden bronze makes silver. I'm sorry.

And Christmas. Your next song is Oh Holy Night.

So we're each supposed to say a line?

No, whoever can think of one first. No.

It's always sort of with you two.

Oh, holy night, the stars are bright and shining.

Yeah, you got it. Bright and shining, hurry down the chimney tonight.

So bright. The thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices. Rocking around the Christmas tree.

Did you just do a fucking audition on our podcast?

Hey, Mr. Producer, Mr. Hollywood, here you go.

I can show you the world.

Okay.

Bright and glimmering Christmas.

Rockin' around the Christmas tree.

It's just the way it gets wetter.

Rockin' around the Christmas tree.

Rockin' around the Christmas tree, I've been coked up for a day.

And that's great. What do we have to talk about and to plug, friends?

This has been Sleigh Jingle Jingle. This is Adal Rifai. You can come check me out every Saturday at 8 p.m. and 1030 with the show World News Tonight at IOW Chicago. Hey, guess what? Also, Erin Keif and JPC are also in that show. Yeah, you can see that. See that and then afterwards please jump out and say rah hello and we'll meet you. We also have merch at our merch store which you can find on TeePublic so search Hey Riddle Riddle on TeePublic and find that. You can find us on social media at Hey Riddle Riddle on Twitter and Instagram. You can also find us on email. We're on email right? We're at hrrpodcasts.gmail.com. Send us your puzzies. Send us your readies. Just say hi to us. You don't have to send us anything if you don't want. We'd love to hear from you.

Say hi to us, but you don't have to Sid us anything.

So draft an email to us. Watch the movie The Breakup.

Oh God, please don't.

Look for me in Wrigley Field.

I do, I kind of wish I had known that when I watched the movie so I could have seen you. You can follow me on social media at JPSoFly on Twitter. Oh wait, I want to do plugs for myself. Oh, did you not just do that for like a solid fucking two minutes?

I did it for the show.

That's stupid for you to do that. I guess I wasted my time. You plugged World News, you started with your plugs, then you did some show plugs, and you wanted to bookend with your own plugs? Alright, go ahead, I'm done. You could also follow me at Adal Rifai, follow me at Chump with like a billion fours or something, I don't fucking know.

Chat with four fours.

Something like that.

Adal, did you want to plug your social media? No, no, I'm good. Okay. At JPCFly on Twitter, at sharkbarkman on Instagram. You can see my bio and see all the things that I'm doing and just say hello and I'll say hello back and wouldn't that be a wouldn't that be a merry fucking Christmas for everyone.

Okay.

Erin.

Follow me on my Instagram Erin Keif 10 to find out what shows I'm doing. Also listen to my two favorite Christmas albums this week. You should listen to Nat King Cole's Christmas album and Harry Connick Jr. 's first Christmas album. He did it when he was 26. It's a classic.

Wow. That's great. Good news for him. Cool. And Erin, you said that you were, this is, we're all kind of going away for Christmas. By the time this comes out, everyone's going to be hearing this. We're going to be scattered throughout the country. But Erin, you were going to a pretty far away random destination, were you not?

Oh, yeah. I'm celebrating Christmas on a Jupiter.

Starring Erin Keif, and John Patrick Coan, Katie Snyder did the editing, and Arnie Perrin did the music. Logo created by Emily Cardenas and Emily Navarez.

That was a HeadGum podcast.