Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

No shit, all Sherlock. It's Hey Riddle Riddle, I'm Adal Rifai. Th-th-th-th-throwback! I'm Adal Rifai.

I'm JPC.

And I'm Erin Keif.

And Jeff. Jeff, would you like to say something?

Jeff has been quiet for all 18 episodes.

I feel like Jeff gets all the Twitter love

It's insane. I guess we'll go ahead and say it, guys. Jeff Garland's here. In preparation for Christmas, it's Jeff Garland.

Is that what you said?

That's Jeff Garland. Okay, you got it right. George Garland.

Welcome, everyone. How's everybody doing?

So are you talking to us or Jeff Garlin?

I'm talking to the audience.

Yeah, so how's everybody doing audience? If you tweet at us, if you're doing great, if you're doing with the hashtag, I'm doing pretty good.

I'm doing pretty good. And with that, I want a photo of where you're listening to the show. So this week, your assignment, dear listeners.

Oh I forgot, this is another segment of Erin's Homework.

Yeah, Erin's Homework.

Now it's time for Erin's Homework.

I'm fun, but we're also gonna learn. Okay? Miss Frizzle. Oh, that's our huge compliment.

Yeah. I love Miss Frizzle. I was so attracted to Miss Frizzle. She was a cartoon?

And I'm a lot like her?

Yes. Okay. Great, great, great.

Interesting. Take a picture of a- It'll last longer.

It'll last longer. Yes! Yes, we finally got her to say it.

Two funny boys in one room?

Isn't that too many funny boys for a room? It would be your worst nightmare. Honestly, I was a total nightmare as a child.

Can I guess your vibe? Class clown who was really just not, no one was laughing. Now can I guess your weight? 167.

What's Never call me out.

Because you don't know what you're getting into. And were you still seated when you whispered?

Oh yeah.

So you're like 15 feet away?

I would just, I would lean back, put my hands by my head and say, never call me out.

And if it was a sub, you'd put a neck on her chair?

I remember I did that to a math teacher, and to be honest, I had already flunked this math class. This was my second time taking it. This was in high school, and I was cracking wise. I was telling one of my classic jokes, a real funny ha-ha. And she asked me if I would like to come up to the board and solve the problem. I was like, I'd love to come up to the board and solve the problem. And I came up to the board and solved the problem, and as I was walking back to my desk, I went to her desk and said, What were you thinking? So you were the worst. Yeah, real piece of shit. No teacher should ever mess with me and most of them learned their lessons and the ones that became my friends became my competition.

What was your high school mascot?

We were the fighting Irish.

Oh, mine is so funny. Go ahead. Let's guess what Erin was like in high school. I bet you were like, really, like everybody loved you, but you weren't like, I bet you were athletic in sports, but you weren't like super popular. Like you weren't like a trendsetter, but everybody just loved you.

No.

Effortlessly charming.

No.

Drug addict.

Yes.

Track marks.

You smoked a lot of weed in high school? No. Damn it.

Never. Oh, maybe once. Track marks and track star.

Stephen Shifley, I'm looking at you. You made me smoke weed in high school.

You mean Beep Beep Beeply? Wait, Stephen Shifley made me smoke weed in high school.

He's the one who said stop eating lunch off my back. No way.

Wait, weed made me smoke Steven Seif. I did not care for weed. What? Drama kid? I was a drama kid.

Were you popular? No. No. People I don't think hated me. I think for a while I was one of those preemptive bullies. I was like a little sarcastic and biting and bored.

Did women want to be you and did men want to be with you? No.

No one would kiss me. No one would kiss me.

You've talked many times on the show how you weren't kissed until...

No, people kiss me. What am I, a loser? No. I think I was like 13 or 14 when I had my first kiss.

Noice.

But it was like lots of time in between kisses.

In between your first kiss? Yeah, I just... It was one peck, one very slow withdrawal, and then one very slow move forward, and then another peck.

I was gonna say, I want to know what your high school mascot was. Mine is ridiculous.

We were the Boilermakers, like Purdue. So it was a big buff orange dude with a K in the middle of his chest because it was Kewaunee High School and he has like a sledgehammer and it was the Boilermakers. The best part about high school was our colors were orange and black, like Halloween, so that was always kind of fun. Or like a tiger I guess, but mostly Halloween.

So, but we both had high school mascots that were college mascots.

Yeah, I think that's where a lot of high schools go to. It's like, let's just, what are they going to do? Right? What was yours, Erin?

I'm from a seaside town called Hingham.

Scallops.

No, it's that in the vein of that, though. We were the harbormen.

The Harbormen.

And so it was just like a guy in a yellow raincoat.

Catch us a fish, you're the Harbormen.

And so our games would be like, now the Harbormen versus the Sailors. Or like the Harbormen versus the Lobsters. It's like all nautical.

Nautically tinged mascots.

But Harbormen, was that like, female athletes were Harbormen as well?

Yeah, we are all the Harbormen.

And that's also the local rich family, right? The Harbormens?

The Harbormens. Things we'd be like, H-I-N-G, H-A-M, where the hang of Harverman, oh yeah, gonna win this game tonight, oh yeah, gonna win it in the night, oh yeah, gonna win it in the night.

Our theme, our like, you know, high school fight song was Shaggy's It Wasn't Me.

My body lies over the ocean. Do you guys want to guess what I was like in high school?

You were still a figurine and that witch hadn't put a curse on you yet.

Yeah, you were a little boy's puppet. What were you like in high school, Adal?

By the time you read this, I will be long gone. So when I was a freshman, I was somewhat popular, but I also lived in my sister's shadow because my sister was very popular. But by the time I was junior or senior, I was student council president. I did like Key Club and stuff and I and I also did like speech and debate but I also was a football player like I played I did track and all the sports everything but then I also did theater and all the school plays and everything so I was trying to say he was well-rounded I was well-rounded, so everyone liked me, like I, you know, made the rounds at the lunch table.

If you guys wanted to be, you girls wanted to be with you. That's what I'm saying. I was class president, too, and whenever I talked to- Really?

Class president or student council president? I was student council president.

Not student council.

Which means I could leave class, I could walk into a classroom and pull anybody out of any class and just hang out with them. The power.

That's a government position I was elected by the people. But when I tell people that I was class president, they're like, oh, you were class president? I was like, yeah, that's like a popularity contest. That I won.

My boyfriend was prom king and it's the worst.

Wow.

Why was that the worst? I just like, I'm like, how am I? I don't know. I recently went to his house and he like put on the sash and I was like, I think I've seen enough. I think this picture is getting clearer and clearer. He was also in a frat in college. We're not compatible. Read the riddle.

And that boyfriend's name?

Beep, beep, JPC.

Because she thinks when I back up, I'm a big truck. I'm a big dump truck of a guy.

Dumps like trucks.

They used to call me dump truck.

Did they?

No.

So let's go ahead and get some warm-up rounds. Warm-up rounds. Let's just do one warm-up round. But many riddles. Bless you. JPC just dabbed when he sneezed. I've never seen that. He sneezed into his armpit. Okay, here we go. I always come down and never go up. Periscope. I always come down and never go up.

Periscope. Submarine. God. Dog. Do you know God spelled backwards as dog?

Look it up.

That's why that play... Waiting for Doggo? Yep. Waiting for Doggo. What is this podcast? Terrible?

I feel like I've heard this one before.

What goes down... From us? No.

Oh no.

What goes down but never comes up? Yeah, okay, so like I do want to do one sex joke. I don't know, is it a blowjob?

You want to know the answer?

What goes down but never comes up? Oh, that rain. Mother, they're obviously not familiar with the cycle.

1, 2, 3, what's your favorite thing about rain? We'll see you next time.

I like the smell of a campfire. That's my favorite. That's not rain. You understand the difference, right? The best thing for me, but rain puts out campfires, so it's my sworn enemy.

My favorite smell is Fierce by Abercrombie & Fitch.

Is Fierce?

The name of the Abercrombie & Fitch cologne. I wish this was a bit of Always Loving the Smell of. I hate, I mean, I don't know. Abercrombie.

I like girls to wear Abercrombie & Fitch.

I just remember as a kid loving that smell.

What song? What do you associate it with a certain person or?

No I think I just would like there's something about that smell.

GPC you wear fierce.

I think I was like this is what sexy smells like.

I mean cologne every part of that gets you when you're you know a kid because it's like cologne is sexy and you're like I'll listen to anything that's sexy.

Ready? Yeah. This one's gonna be super fast. You have to, as soon as I'm done, just like what she said, 1, 2, 3, what do you like about rain? You have to answer as soon as possible.

So you're gonna ask us to just jump.

First, think of the color of clouds. Next, think of the color of snow. Now think of the color of a bright full moon. Now answer, 1, 2, 3, what do cows drink?

Milk.

Water. Erin, my friend. Cows do not drink milk. That's what you wanted me to say because it's white, right? But also cows do drink milk. What? Yeah. Baby cows? Baby cows, yes.

Let's move on.

Yo! MTV.

Bingo, bingo, hot tata.

People shouldn't not drink milk. People shouldn't drink cow milk. That's what baby cows drink. People should drink people milk. Please drink my milk.

Baby cow blood.

Yes. There are some cultures that drink the blood of the cow. Mix the cow with the milk. Drink the blood of the cow.

There was an old lady who swallowed a fly. She drank the blood of a baby cow. Why? Why?

Why did she do this?

Why did this crazy woman eat a cow? Which word in the dictionary is always spelled incorrectly?

Incorrectly. Come on. Come on. And we're here. And we're there. And who are you? And which is this? And who are you?

I think that's it. We're done with warm-up riddles, actually. We fucking played your game, my man. All right, we got one more. Okay, good.

How can you physically stand behind your... Yes please, may I have some more?

More onion soup, please.

Yes please, Riddles. More hot soup in my face, please. From the bottom. How can you physically stand behind your father while he is standing behind you? Sex. Mirrors, mirrors, mirrors, mirrors. Letters did not like that one. Mirrors and sex. Is it mirrors? Uh, no.

How can you physically stand behind your father while he is standing behind you? Oh, he's a force ghost.

He's seen the Star Wars. He's Obi-Wan. How can you physically stand behind your father while he is standing behind you?

So, is 69 the answer? Dab on my haters, Grace!

You didn't have to dab. What's that? He's actually dabbing.

I actually had to dab.

What goes down but never comes up? My dad will stand back to back.

Oh, I just said the answer. Is that it? Standing back to back. They're standing back to back.

Oh, so they're taking a photo for a buddy cop movie.

Or they're measuring height.

No, they're taking a photo for a buddy cop movie, that's the full answer.

So you're a father and son, and by accident you got cast in a buddy cop movie together, and this is your promo photo, Dad.

And the movie is called By Accident?

Yeah. Gotcha. B-Y-E.

Oh boy, Dad, I'm so excited to be in this movie with you.

Me too.

You're such a youthful dad.

Well, thank you so much, son.

And you said you did acting in high school?

Oh yeah, that terrible remake of Waiting for Godot. And I know that you're a big actor and I'm just excited at this opportunity. I went to the audition with you because I was dropping you off and you know, whatever happened, happened.

I don't know if I'm a big actor, Dad. I mean, I did get a walk-on role on Law & Order. Come on, Dad.

You got a walk-on role on Law & Order and now you're getting... Well, it was a walk-on role, but I was a dead body. So it's more of a lay down roll.

It is more of a lay down roll.

A lay down roll? Boy, that sounds like me at an old country buffet.

What?

I lay down on the floor eating rolls.

Dad, I'll buy you dinner.

What's that?

I can afford dinner if you want full dinner.

No, if you lay on the floor and eat the rolls off the floor, then you don't have to pay.

Alright.

Would you buy me dinner?

Let's go over our lines. Okay. Freeze! Right, Dad? That's right, buddy boy! You better freeze! Cuff him, daddy-o! Cuff him! Cuff him! I'm gonna snuff him!

And then I take my gun out and I shoot him right in the little chest there.

Hey, sorry, the funding of the movie has been, uh... That makes sense.

Yeah, that makes sense to me. Anyway, okay, I turn back into a bat, go away for a hundred years, flap flap flap flap!

Can you put me in a mental institution?

Yep.

Oh my god.

People listening to this podcast are like, I think Chicago Improv is bad. I think it is past- And you would be right. I think it's past its prime. I think it's done.

Oh boy.

I'm one of the worst improvisers they have in this room. Should we get to some full-on riddles? Let's get to some full-on riddles. Full on riddles Full on riddles Here we go And KJ can you stop doing that voice modulation to our voices?

Now we sound like this always KJ we need you to stop modulating our voices Yeah we're trying to have a normal podcast Stop modulating our voices I swear to god letters The 22nd and 24th presidents of the United States had the same mother and same father but were not brothers How so?

I'm sorry?

The 22nd and 24th presidents of the United States had the same mother and the same father but were not brothers.

Erin, do you know the answer to this riddle? Do you? Yes.

You got a big prez head over here. Became class president and from that point on he just learned about all president stuff.

I can do, I can say all the presidents in order. Really? Yeah, I have actually a rap for it.

Do it.

Are you serious? Yes.

Let's hear it. I want to hear it.

George Washington, John Quincy Adams, John Adams Thomas Jefferson, Adolf Hitler. I'm sorry I ever doubted you.

We fell for it.

How dare you put John Quincy Adams before John Adams, you motherfucking loser. It's Washington Adams, Jefferson Adams. No.

John Quincy Adams is Madison. Madison.

Tyler Moore. Oh the question wasn't name all the presidents. I'm trying to get to 22 and 24.

Washington, Adams, Jefferson, Madison. Monroe. Yeah. No, I don't know. No. John Quincy Adams. Then it's Jackson.

Yeah. George Washington!

John Quincy Adams, Adolf Hitler.

What are we thinking?

I know the answer to this. What is it? So, the 22nd president and the 24th president were both the same person.

That's right. Do you know who?

Theodore Roosevelt? Nope. John Tyler Moore?

Nope. It's my favorite.

Muppet. Sammy Hagar? Algonzo!

Grover.

Grover.

Grover Cleveland served two terms as president, but they were not consecutive. Nonsensong. Nonsensong.

What do you know about Grover Cleveland?

What do I know about Grover Cleveland? Got stuck in a bathtub when his name was Taft. I love that Taft, the only thing people know about him is that he got stuck in a bathtub.

That's the only thing stupid people know about him.

Is he also the one that got pneumonia during his... No. Who's that?

That was the guy from Indiana. Benjamin Harrison.

So he died like 23 days in the office or something?

George Harrison.

How does Indiana feel about that?

We have like a monument to him and shit. It's so stupid.

Is he sick in the monument? Like is the statue like, is there snot coming out of it?

The monument's open for 23 days out of the year. To get some rest.

Hey Erin, you're a pretty unique person. Would you agree?

Yeah, I'm pretty and unique.

You're unique.

Okay.

Or are you nitty? Yeah. What do you sleep on?

Sometimes it's just like a bunch of newspapers stacked on top of each other of like when I've been in the news. And sometimes it's JPC.

That's a pretty thin amount of newspapers. Local girl falls downstairs. What? I said local girl falls downstairs. Does it on purpose. Goes to jail. Well Erin, because of your unique pretty makeup, I don't know how to phrase this, you should be sleeping on the Helix mattress that JPC and I got you.

Yeah, yeah, I mean we know that sometimes people have been like don't sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, but they mean don't side sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, don't hot sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, because we know that everybody sleeps different. Well the Helix Sleep Mattress is designed for people who sleep in a variety of different ways.

And you can take a quiz. And it's not the type of quiz that you can fail, so don't worry about that. I worry about that. But it's just a quiz to get to know what kind of sleeper you are.

You took the Helix Sleep quiz, Erin, and you got a don't sleep, right?

The first F ever.

You can find that quiz at helixsleep.com slash riddle. It only takes two minutes, and it's going to match your specific makeup to a mattress that's right for you.

Yeah, that's why they call it Helix Sleep, because it relies on double helix, so you just enter your DNA into the quiz, and then it tells you what kind of mattress is your soulmate, basically.

And it tells you what kind of mattresses your ancestors slept on. I mean, you'll see that in your dreams.

Yeah, that'll be something that, they don't promise that, but that is something that comes in most people's dreams.

And they have a 10-year warranty, and you get to try it for 100 nights, risk-free.

They have a 10-year warranty?

Warren G. Yeah, 10-year Warren G. And 100 nights risk-free.

There is a little loophole here because they say 100 nights but you also get the 100 days as well. Oh do you? So you can sleep in the mattress 24 hours a day for 100 days.

And for me specifically, for Adal Rifai, those are Arabian days and Arabian nights. That's true. All 100.

And that's not something any of the rest of us feel comfortable saying.

And if you sleep next to a partner, half the mattress can be for you and the other half of the mattress could be for your partner.

Or, you know, you could do three quarters. Just with sprawl, with arms and legs. But right now Helix is offering up to $125 off all mattress orders. That's $125 off. To get your $125 off at helixsleep.com slash riddle. That's helixsleep.com slash riddle for up to $125 off your mattress order. Don't sleep on this deal. That's not theirs. That's mine.

I guess the way I sleep is I clutch a pillow and I kiss it.

Yeah, I do the same thing but the pillow's in between my legs.

How I sleep is, you know when you get someone in that choke hold with your leg?

Oh, like Xena did for James Bond in that movie?

Yeah, that's what my blankets do to me.

That's HelixSleep.com slash Riddle. Of course on the pillow I write, not a pillow. So when I kiss it, it makes sense.

Naturally, you're pretty unique.

Helixsleep.com slash Riddle Here we go. Here's the next one. A deaf man needed to buy a saw to cut some wood. He went into a hardware store. How did he indicate to the storekeeper that he wanted to buy a saw?

Okay, so I've had to buy a saw before and And I saw you do it. Erin, stop dabbing on my grape fortnight. So he's deaf. He needs to indicate that he wants to buy a saw. How does he do it? I mean, I'm assuming you just make the universal motion for saw.

For those at home, JBC is jerking off.

No, I'm not! No, I'm not! I'm not jerking off, I'm making the universal signal for jerking off.

Potato, potato.

You say potato, you're jerking off in public. Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Please leave the ball.

Oh my god, I'm making that my ringtone.

Please don't make that anyone's ringtone. Yeah, right? Wouldn't you just say like, saw? What's your answer? Wouldn't he just like saw with his hand or something like that? I don't know the fucking answer.

He would not saw with his hand. Okay. That is not the correct answer. Good guess. Okay. But he would not saw with his hand. Erin, do you have any guesses?

I don't have a guess. I'm sorry.

Oh, would he say, I'm saw-wy? Erin, right?

He would build a seesaw right there.

JPC, you're very, very close with him saying, I'm saw-wy. Really? That's close? Hot. Blisteringly hot. Uh, boy. Okay.

Do you want the answer?

Can you write it down on paper? He would say, I would like to buy a saw.

Oh, okay. Because he's deaf. Yes. Yes. I understand now. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Says a lot about you, huh? I guess it kind of does. And that I'm not a very good listener.

I've gotten two burps on this show. By the end of 2024, I will have gotten a hundred thousand burps on this show, mark my words.

2024, a hundred thousand burps on this show. You gotta keep eating those scorpions.

Here we go. Yes. Kevin was 20 years old in 1980, but only 15 years old in 1985. How come, in 1980,

He was 20 years old in 15 and 85.

He was 20 years old in 1980, but only 15 years old in 1985.

Oh, we got the Benjamin Button disease.

He's got Benjamin Button disease, also called reverse jack.

Yes.

He's a time traveler.

Um, explain how you get younger when you time travel.

Don't do it. Don't do it. He's gonna try to use it. He's gonna try to use it so he can be the millennial like he always says he wants to be. So don't tell him how. Don't give him the flesh out. Don't tell him how to get younger.

I gotta go back to 1982 and dab on my gravy.

Erin, young is just for us. We're the ones who are young. We're both the same age and we're both very young and it's very 20. It's very 20-ish. Someone called me young man the other day in line at a Potbelly's. They were mad at you? You don't know the half of it.

That doesn't make any sense.

They said, young man, stop stealing chips. And I said, I'll never stop stealing chips. Munch, munch, munch, munch. I'm the king of pot bellies. You don't know the half of it. It's a living.

Then you got out of the mall.

Yeah, I got out of the mall. Stop it, stop it, stop it. Get out of the mall. 20 and 80, 15 and 85. 15 pounds. Nope. Kevin was 20 years old in 1980, but only 15 years old in 1985.

Here's some hints for you. Was Ben a normal human being? Yes. Oh yeah.

Oh yeah. He's not like an Alex Mack human being who turns into a puddle.

Was he born on February 29th? No. So it's not a leap year even though that still wouldn't make sense.

That wouldn't be worth the math on that.

As each year went by, did he get one year older? Oh yeah.

Ooh. That's helpful. So is 1985, are they referencing the year?

Yes. And are they referencing the year when they talk about 1980? Yes. 1980 and 1985, yeah.

Yeah, so it's not like he was in a play called 1985 and 1975 or something like that?

He was in that classic George Orwell play, 1985. Hmm, okay. But yeah, so they're both referencing the year, so.

While we think about it, can we see a scene where Erin and JPC, I'll have you be a married couple? Okay. And this is, you've been married for a long time, and Erin, you've noticed that as you get older, JPC has Benjamin Button disease, and he's gotten younger. And this is where he finally comes clean, and also divorces you, because he's now probably in his early 20s or so.

Yeah, because people don't want to be with older women. Women aren't lovable past 40.

Well, let's make it that Erin is gradually... Not Hollywood.

No, no, no.

I'm ready. Erin has the Benjamin disease and I don't get any hate mail. And we take you to the shore that's right outside Erin's house in Boston.

Are you... Hold on. Skyler! Dumkiss! Hey! Hoboman! Hey man. Alright. Basketball. Tomorrow. Album in for life. You're on! Where am I gonna park my car? Up your mother's bark!

Hey, hey honey.

Oh, hey babe. I'm sorry, did I wake you up? Holy shit, it's four in the morning.

My bad. Are you, I don't know, are you more of a douchebag than you were yesterday?

What's that? You look, you look... Hey, hold on babe, smell my fart. Ooh, safety. Then I punch you in the arm. I don't know what's up.

Okay, so, um... What's up? You worked for a non-profit for a long time, and then you quit, and now you're skateboarding and dabbing on Fortnite's graves?

Fortnite's graves, yeah. I'm part-time at Arby's, but only so I can steal.

Yeah, you did so much good for our community, and we were very in love for a long time.

Yeah, I love you so much.

You've raised seven children. Um... So what... So now you're playing video games... Here it comes.

Here it comes.

And you say people should laugh at my jokes more. Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah. What's going on?

I think it's obvious. I'm a different person now. And I'm becoming more and more of a different person every day. See, the man you married isn't the same man as the man that I am now.

No, but you are the same.

No, I'm not.

It's the same person. You just seem to be getting... No, I'm not.

Younger?

Oh, I was gonna say worse.

Worse?

Yeah, I was gonna say you're getting way worse.

Well, I got some news for you. Zip! That's right.

Thank you for unzipping my dress.

It's time to get down to business.

No, thank you.

No, no, no. The business is, I want you to wear this suit. Okay, yeah. It's a business suit. That's what that colloquialism means. And I have something to show you. Zip!

Okay, you fixed the zip drive on my computer that I didn't know how to fix. Yeah, I reformatted it.

I see what you had a corrupted file in here because you tried to save an incompatible file type. So I reformatted and I fixed the zip drive. You lost some of the data, but the drive is preserved.

Honey, you used to be sophisticated and fun. And I've aged like a fine wine. Women get better and better. You are getting worse.

It's not you, it's me. I can explain it all right now. Zip!

And your facial hair is...

Hold on, tell me what I did. Tell me one more thing I did with a zip.

Take a step. Yes, we are taking an improv class together. Zap.

Again folks, move to Chicago if you want to do improv.

Spend $800,000 to learn how to do it.

Yeah, I spent $600,000. What do we think? Discount. We give you yuppie?

Yeah.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. No. What's the riddle? We're doing a riddle now.

Kevin was 20 years old in 1980, but only 15 years old in 1985. Givey-uppy?

But only 15 years old? I don't know, is there like a thing where he's both ages? Like, he's 15 plus some?

I don't know what to tell you, man.

Alright, yeah, I give up. I don't fucking know the answer to this riddle.

Kevin was born in the year 2000 B.C. So in 1985 B.C. he was 15, and in 1980 B.C. he was 20. You played yourself.

You played yourself. Well, you really threw it because no one was named Kevin back then. People's names back then were like Ugg or Jesus.

You know, Ugg or Jesus. The Kevins and Sirises of their time.

Well, you got me. I have to see another scene. This is a scene between Jesus of Nazareth and his best friend from childhood, Ugg. Jesus is now going out to start his mission. Jesus has to basically tell Ugg that he can't hang out with him anymore. I don't care who's Huck and who's Jesus.

Hey buddy, what do you want to do today?

Maybe smash rocks?

Well Jesus, I really... Yes!

I mean smash wood. I mean smash nails into wood. Carpentry.

Jesus, I thought maybe we'd go to Bethlehem today and hang out and maybe explore, do some touristy stuff.

Yeah, I'm over the big city. I kind of like being just you and me. Does that make sense?

Yeah, you've been, I mean, okay, I feel like all friends go through this, but it looks like you've gotten really popular lately.

Yeah, I've noticed. A lot of people follow me around. Sometimes people come up and their fingers fall off, and then when I touch them, their fingers still fell off, but no more fall off. Does that make sense? Yeah.

Alright, smash cut to this is now Mary and Joseph. Jesus, I'm sorry, yes, Jesus has just fallen into the lake and drowned and now they are trying to groom Ug as Jesus' replacement to go on and carry his mission on. As you know, Jesus is no more and there has to be a Jesus because his mission is very important.

Yes, our son drowned and we put his dead body in a cave and put big rock in front and then we smash rock.

Smash rock. Smash rock. Smash rock. So you must carry on and come fill in his footsteps.

What can I do? I have no skills at all. I can just like walk on water and turn water into wine and like unite people and tell people to be kind to each other. I'm constantly cleaning Mary Magdalene's feet.

Hold up, hold up, hold up. Did you say smash rock?

Uh, no.

Oh.

Could you smash rock? Could you smash rock?

Oh, the perfect crime.

Ah, the perfect crime. Smash rock.

Smash rock. Why is it getting faster?

My favorite church hymn was... You have a favorite church hymn? I went to church for like 12 years because I was in Catholic school. He danced in the morning. Do you know that one? That's an Irish drinking song. It's basically an Irish drinking song, which is why I loved it so much. I don't remember what the line is, but there's a line that's in that song that is just, it's hard to dance with the devil on your back.

Oh boy.

We used to get in trouble in church for singing too much. They were like, you are singing in a way that is distracting to church.

Well, it depends. It depends on what you're singing. Were you singing Slipknot?

Yeah. Being distracting in church. That's the best. That was my calling for a long time.

So in your church there is a Christ who played Eucharist? Okay, I'm not going to explain to you why Catholicism is the way at all. Okay, but just know that it is. And just know that the way you're living is in sin.

We gotta see a scene. No, we just did so many.

No, we gotta see a scene.

Two more big bites. I'm having fun. So we gotta have a scene where Erin, you are the head of the church, and you have called a meeting with JPC.

Do you know what the head of the Catholic Church is called?

Welcome back.

Hey, actually, I've seen some dirty shit about you and I need you to come in and tell me about it.

Hey, can you get in my office?

So, the rumor is... So, your understanding is correct. The priest calls me into the confessional booth.

And you have to kind of let JPC know that his singing is disrupting church services and he has to stop that. And we take you to a church. Papa, can you hear me?

Okay, yeah, I can hear you. How many days since your last confession?

It's been one week since I last confessed.

Okay, and how are you liking services at this congregation? I don't care.

I love them.

Excellent. Well, I just want, for you, do you have anything you'd like to confess to before I jump in with maybe some suggestions?

I was looking kind of dumb with my finger and my thumb in the shape of an L on my forehead.

So that's not a sin. A sin, you know, like jealousy, coveting your neighbor's wife.

Just coming banging on the bathroom door.

Okay, that's a sin. Okay, you confessed.

Oh wait, but then you said it wasn't you.

Okay, so that's a confession. Sorry, I thought I heard the Fighting Irish theme song. Is there a basketball game happening in your confessional?

No.

Oh, my apologies. Slam.

Man, I'm amazed I knew so many songs.

Hey Erin and JPC, I got a little fuzzy for you. Yeah, it's a two-parter. Okay. What is glass made out of? Heated You heat up this and it makes glass.

How the fuck would I know? Glass. Other glass?

Other glass. Other glass.

Hotter glass?

Hotter glass.

Cool glass. What did Rocky Marciano do for a living? You're starting to piss me off.

Glass. Other glass?

Was he a glass blower? Glass blower. We're talking about glass.

Sandbox. It's time for another sandbox. Look at your hands. They're covered in sand. Welcome to the sandbox. That's actually how I got my name. Hey, don't ever fucking talk while we're singing this theme song. Hey, we didn't write you the fucking theme song for you to talk over it, Sandy.

It's good to see you.

It's Sandor-wise. How you doing, Sandy? I'm great. It's good to see you. All of you. Don't be scared of us. Some of you more. Don't be scared just because we're yelling and we're angry. It's actually, I was, uh, I was at a dinner with my family and I had to go and they were like, where are you going? And I was like, I have to go record a podcast. And they're like, at this hour? They're like, not you too. Yeah.

For anyone who doesn't know, it's 6am on a Sunday.

Easter Sunday.

In England. In 1842. Yeah, for those of you who don't know, we're in the past and it's... We're stuck here, please help us. Sandy, we're so happy to have you back on the Sandbox.

Your segment was one of the most... Wait, have you been in the Sandbox the whole time?

Yes. You don't bring the Sandbox with you. We're stuck here until you come back. I'm hungry. We're all hungry, we've been eating sand, shitting sand for weeks and weeks. But no, super well received, people loved the Sandbox segment. We got tons of positive feedback from it. Most of it from Erin. Erin really enjoyed it.

I, so many people were saying that they lost their minds when I was the answer because they could hear me losing their mind, my mind.

So I can't wait for an Adal Rifai. So I guess, Sandy, to check in, what's been going on with you? Oh, well, I'm still doing my thing, making puzzles for... Sorry, making what? Oh, in my business, we call them puzzles.

I know what those are. I don't know what the fuck you just said.

Building puzzle games for mostly team building stuff and working on a new escape room with the house, which is going to be opening next year. And a few other secret projects that I'll be able to talk about. Can I ask you a team-building question?

So if you had three people who were in a room together because they had to be and they were absolutely horribly antagonistic to each other all the time, what would you suggest in terms of making that situation better?

Probably improvising scenes.

I don't like music.

We're gonna get mic'd up and we're going to go to a spa together.

And we'll record it.

It'll be a bonus episode.

Hey Puddle Puddle. We'll record. What's in a spa? Hey Rubby. Hey Rubby. Hey Massagy Sagy.

Hey Rubby Rubby.

Let's not do that show.

Did you have some puzzles and stuff for us?

Mm-hmm. I got some stuff All right. I got a new game for today. This is So what I've done is there's what I've done is there's a website out there called translation party Which you enter some text and it translates it to Japanese and then translates it back to English and then back to Japanese and it keeps going back and forth until it hits equilibrium when the phrase does not change anymore and So what I've done is I've taken a bunch of taglines from movies, put them through the translation program.

Now I've seen movies before.

These are films, correct? You're close, yes. It's like a TV show, but not. At the cinema. Yeah. And so I'm going to give you the translated versions of them, and you tell me what the original one was and the movie.

Can I ask you, because I'm not sure, is there any fucking way we'll be able to get these?

I think so. Okay, cool. I think you'll be able to get a lot of them.

Okay, excellent.

As long as they're not horror movies. Okay, coming across. There's two left. Some of them are going to be easy, some of them are probably... Super easy. Yeah, even easier. So they're easy and super easy. Okay, here we go. All people are one of the rules of the ring. The ring. Lord of the Rings. Yeah, but you got to give me the tagline too. One ring to rule them all. One ring to rule them all. So it's movie and tagline. I mean, I think that's make it interesting. Oh, you haven't listened to the podcast.

That's the tagline for the podcast. But it's a plea to ourselves. Let's make it interesting.

Hey, let's give a shit once while we record. Okay. Her legs over his knees brought a small town with big business. Footloose.

Her legs over his knees brought a small town with big business. Yeah.

Denny's. Knees over my leggies.

I love the knees over my leggies because I'm a psychopath. This movie's from the 90s. OK.

Her knees. Her legs. It accurately describes what happens in the movie. One more time. Her legs over his knees brought a small town with a big business.

Dirty dancing. That's the 80s.

Her legs over... And I also said it.

No, it's OK.

I think we found a problem. Conair. She brought a small town to its feet and a huge company to its knees. Aviva. That's the tagline?

That's the actual tagline.

She brought a small town to its feet and a huge company to its knees? Erin Brockovich. Erin related content for the episode. So far the memory of her thumb before his death must be protected. Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. On the money. Is it Ghost? Yeah. Before Sam was murdered, he told Molly he'd love and protect her forever.

Adal, do you respect me now?

No. Because I said Footloose and then a minute later you said Footloose? You're like a savant at these. They are simply because you have a service. They are meant to be like you are. Simply because you have a cervix. They are simply because you have a service. They are meant to be like you are. I am a debut movie from a well-known director from the 90s. Let me look it up. Pulp Fiction. Is it about robots? Is it about clones? No, no, no, no, no. Like robots, but people. Oh, what was that? It's based on a Murakami book or what's that called? Oh boy. Was Keira Knightley in this? Pirates of the Caribbean on Stranger Tides. There's a movie where they in the future they make clones of you to harvest if you ever get sick they can harvest your organs. Is that a spoiler for the movie if I say the movie? Absolutely. Okay. I was gonna say Moon. I don't know. It's not what that's about but that's... Oh, it's Never Let Go. Oh, Never Let Me Go.

That is a good movie.

But that wasn't 90s. This is Clerks.

What? Really?

Yeah, just because they serve you doesn't mean they like you.

Interesting. Wow.

Would you like me to pick more well-known movies? No, no, no, that's good. Snoochie Boochie.

Yeah, I was gonna say Snoochie Boochies.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. More please.

Okay, here we go. It's one of my favorite Jason Mewes movies.

Do you think anybody out there has a cat named Jason Mewes?

Now they will.

I think there are a lot of dead cats named Jesus.

Comedy is not an active person.

Jake, whatever movie is about JPC.

Comedy is not an active person. Comedy sitting down in a shower. What would you call someone who's not active? Passive. Even more. Lazy. Stoic. Even more. Sloth. Dead. Dead. Dead funny. Dead humor. Dracula dead and loving it. Can you think of any comedies about dead people? Um, Dracula dead and loving it. Weekend at Bernie's? Yes it is! Ding ding ding! A lively comedy about a guy who isn't. Remember that? That's a good tagline.

I'll give it to whoever wrote that.

It kind of does blow what the movie's gonna be about though. I don't think it's a spoiler movie. But he's dead, is it? I don't remember.

At the end of it, you realize that Bernie was dead the whole time. Yeah, it's crazy.

I think at the end of it, they're all the same person. And Bernie spins a top. Bernie keeps spinning. They spin Bernie like a top. I wish I had recorded this Lyft conversation that was happening between my share ride partner and the driver today about Fight Club.

Oh, I've got it.

It's right here and play. He's like, I think in Fight Club they were the same person. All right, here we go. Here's some that are quotes instead of taglines. Okay. Those pesky tables is a nasty snake area. Snakes on a Plane. You got it. Snakes on a Plane. I want you to know how to quit. I don't know how to quit you. Jerry McGuire. Yes, Brockbeck Mountain. The accused takes the dirty, dirty monkey. The accused. Oh, Indiana Jones. Nope. The accused takes the dirty, dirty monkey.

Ape. Ape. Monkey business. Ape. Dustin Checkstone.

Gorilla.

Congo.

Congo. Ape. Ape? Planet of the Apes. There you go. Damn it. Take your paws off me, you damn dirty apes. Yeah. All right. Your little dog too hard, I also get. Wizard of Oz. Wizard of Oz. Of course.

That's my dream role.

When they remake Wizard of Oz, I'd like to be. I can imagine JPC going up to somebody on the street and being like, your little dog too hard. Jesus Christ.

I've said that to a dog before.

Your dream role is Dorothy?

No, the witch. Really? And if they ever remake Wizard of Oz, I'd like to be considered.

Let's remake it. Let's do an episode that's all us just reading the script to Wizard of Oz.

Adal, what's your dream role?

And you were there, and you were there too.

Boxing Helena, The Box, Regarding Henry, The Regard, Love Actually, to be in Love Actually and be the little kid, Liam Neeson's little kid, who bangs on the drums and just fucking slams it and makes the girl who voices Marcella, Vampire Queen on Adventure Time, fall in love with me. That makes sense. All right, you want a couple more?

Nobody asked me on my INS. I don't have any. JPC, have you ever said that to a dog? No, don't ask me. No, it's yours. Ah, Crescent. I was going to say Crescent. Like the roll? Crescent roll. You ruined it. I was going to say Crescent roll. Fuck you. Hey, Sandy, we'd love to do another one.

Sure, well. It's entirely up to you. All right. This is not a word that I can know how to pronounce. I'm just gonna try. Rui Quira is to please him, wet food can be eaten. Chef. You know I would pull chef out. It's my go-to. The best Jon Favreau movie.

This guy's got me scared to death. I don't know.

Repeat it one more time. Rui Akira is to please him wet food can be eaten. There's enough in there to get it.

Wet food can be eaten. And this is the tagline?

Mm-hmm. This is the tagline.

Wet food can be eaten.

What food can be eaten? Wet food or what food? Wet food can be eaten. What kind of tagline can you think of that might describe rules about consumption? The rules of attraction. Raw. Choke. Chocolat. Chew. Chocolat. Chew it up. There's three rules to eating chocolate. Fight club. Is it fight club?

Eat. It's 80s. Eat, pray, love.

Breakfast club.

Eat, pray, eat. Hallmark. That's not.

So it's about it said this movie's about eating food No, it's just that the tagline fuck references a certain character of the movie and how it I mean, oh, it's Silence of the Lambs No, that's a good guess though. It's not related. You're close. It's not Goonies. I said Goonies. But you're close. It's in the same era. It's about a certain character of the movie and when or when it shouldn't be. Gremlins. The tagline of Gremlins, don't get him wet, keep him out of bright light, and never feed him after midnight.

That's what you would do to a Mogwai, not a Gremlin. The movie's not named Mogwai.

I'm just reliving the same day over and over.

Gremlins say?

Gremlins say what?

I'm learning how to play piano. A gremlin says what? What? Put your little gremlin mind in a little zone.

Then they cannot remember the last day to come will never forget. Remember the Titans. Then they cannot remember the last day to come will never forget. We were soldiers once and young. What was it? Patriots. No, the tagline has the word remember and forget in it.

Remember the Titans. Forget.

I just said that.

That day after tomorrow. Dirty dancing.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Remembering Sarah Marshall.

It's remember and forget?

The tagline has remember. Pearl Harbor. Memento. Is it a war movie? Let me give you the tagline in English. Let's see if that rings any bells. After a night they can't remember comes a day they'll never forget. Dude, where's my car? Yes! On the money! No way! Of course JPC would get that. That's the biggest fucking softball. in all our episodes I've never seen somebody serve up on a silver platter the most JPC question for him to just scream dude where's my car because he does that in real life as I was saying that he was reading the tattoo on his arm like memento I think that we are due for a dude where's my car remake let's do that I'd like to play the witch in that And I'd like to eat a crescent roll. Uh, okay. Yes. All right. Last one. Last one. Please wait long to get. Lost in translation. That's it. Please wait long to get. Please wait long to get.

Waiting. It's all there. Please wait long to get. Please. Mm.

Please, please wait. That's Chef. Please wait long to get Anaconda.

Is it Chef? These have all been Chef. Aaron? Adal's gonna be mad at me.

Please wait long to get. I'll give you a hint. The tagline has the word wait and get in it. Waiting for Godot. Waiting for Godot. Waiting for Guffman.

Wait, wait, get.

Because it's about waiting and then getting. The waiting is the hardest part.

13 going on 30.

Annie, get your gun, but wait. It's about waiting and then getting? What year? Swim fan. I'm gonna say early... You're gonna say early? Mid-30s. So 2005. 2005. Oh, it's a future movie. My favorite movie of the day after tomorrow. Fever Pitch. No, I'm kidding you. Is it a romantic comedy? Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. It's a romantic comedy. It stars several well-known people. It's, I think, the debut. Clerks. He's gone on to make a lot more movies. Snitchy bitches. I mean I could tell you who's in it. Yeah, give me the stars. Yeah, sweet little taste. Steve Carell. Oh, Anchorman.

40-year-old virgin.

Oh, he waited and then he got it. He waited and then he got it.

Does he ever just get to do something?

The tagline is, the longer you wait, the harder it gets. And of course the, ooh yikes, double entendre. And of course the song to that is Catherine Keener. Thank you for another sandbox. Oh, you're welcome

Yeah, what you bring to the table is so much better than everything the internet or all our other sources.

And once again, I'm gonna pack up all this sand now and take it.

Well, no, no, no. You leave the sand and we stay here forever. This is our hell.

Come back to this island and send help. Okay. Our plane crashed.

And next time I love that you bring fun games, but maybe potable water and food.

But you won't be able to get the cap off. Maybe penicillin.

And every time you come, please have something have my name in it.

Mm-hmm.

But just like a bar that you've set for yourself right out of the gate that you need to keep doing.

I can do that. Thank you. It's an easy request.

Thank you, Sandy.

I'm in. Wait, can you... Do you mind asking me about the... Can I plug? Yeah. Sandy, before we let you go, what do you got going on? What do you want to tell our listeners? You can learn all about the Mystery League at mysteryleague.com. And if I haven't died yet, I'm still making puzzles every day on Twitter at PZLR. And you're skydiving tomorrow.

Right, which is why you're saying this. And once you die, I do get to Twitter and I get to do my puzzles.

Right, so it's either my content or JPC's.

So if the puzzle looks like, I got peanut butter on my shoe, how do I get it off? That's probably not a Sandy puzzle.

And don't forget to name your cats Jason Mews.

And Riddikitty.

And Riddikitty.

And if you have two cats, one of each.

And make a little mouse hat to throw in the air.

The best.

JPC, anything you want to plug?

Yeah man, so you can probably just find me at the local liquor store getting liquored up and fighting at the door. No, but seriously though, I don't drink and it's been six years. You can find me on Twitter at JPSillFly. You can find me on Instagram at sharkbarkman. That's the only place that you're going to see all of the pictures of my dog Spaghetti. And then I do like some Twitch shows and I'm in about town. I'm always on the stage doing improv. If you're ever in Chicago, come and see a show. And now I'll kick it to Erin.

Follow me at Erin Keif 10 on Instagram, Erin Keif 2 on Twitter, and I'll plug my shows and tell you where to find me there.

And where can we find Erin Keif 3 through 9?

Oh, up your butt, probably. Have you checked up your butt?

Well, I'm not going to check up my butt for seven of you.

Fine, I'll check.

You can find me on the podcast Hello from the Magic Tavern, also Sibling Speculair, please check that out. You can also come see World News Tonight, which is a show that JPC, Erin, and myself all do every Saturday at 8pm and 1030. Please come see the shows and please stay after and say hi. We would love to chat to you and maybe give you some sage advice. Also, you can find me You can find me at The Publican on Randolph Street. I will be wearing a corduroy jacket and have a white rose. I will have a seat for two. If you are interested, please sit down.

This is just a general interest. This is not like a person that you've been communicating with. I will order a cheese plate.

I hope you are not lactose intolerant. We will have a good night. We might go out again. Let me know. I will see you there.

And you can also follow us, in general, the podcast, at HeyRiddleRiddle on Twitter and Instagram. If you have riddle suggestions, or you just want to talk to us, or you want to tell us that you like the podcast, or if you want to tell us that you hate the podcast and you want us to ignore you, write us on our Gmail, which is at hrrpodcast at gmail.com. Find all our merch.

You don't need to put the at sign before the email. This has been Hey Riddle Riddle, created by Adal Rifai, starring Erin Keif.

That was a HeadGum podcast.