Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum Podcast. How does Arnie do that live every week? Erin can barely get through it.

Welcome to Hey Riddle Riddle. If you're listening, clearly we've replaced the opening theme song with Erin just singing it, because that was un-fucking-believable.

I'm embarrassed how little I know it. Sorry, Erin, you're fired from a job you've already finished doing.

I don't listen to the show, so I don't know it that well.

That's my favorite thing is when people out of nowhere will be like, what are you doing? I'm like, podcaster. And they're like, oh, what podcast? I'm like, it doesn't matter. And they're like, what podcast? And I'll be like, these ones. And they're like, oh, I haven't heard of them. Sorry. And I'm like, you asked me. What do you want?

Yeah, I don't know what people want, but I do know what I want to do this podcast. I'm JPC.

I'd rather complain about people.

I'm JPC.

I'm Erin Keif.

And I'm Complainee. Complainee, now you go by another name that people might know you by, huh?

Complainee Lane. Like the Beatles song.

Complainee Lane. Oh, they don't like when we sing.

No, I'm Adal. Oh, Adal. Sorry. More like Saddle. Yeah. Giddy up. I can't tell you how many teachers in school would call me Saddle and then ride me around the classroom. I got them all fired.

Well, at least they didn't call you late for dinner. No, I was a great date.

How are we doing? What's the news? Huh? What's going on?

Oh, should we talk about the news?

No, what's the news in your life? What are some top stories?

Ooh, tonight's top stories.

Oh, yeah, Adal, let's do some top stories. What are some top stories with you right now?

Uh, I don't know, man.

Okay, great. So I'll go. A friend of mine just went to Charlotte and got me a new hat. So if you've seen me around in real life, you know that I like wearing these flat-brimmed snapback hats. I'm wearing a Buffalo Bills one right now. I do not care for the bills.

It's the serial killer from Silence of the Lambs.

It's his face on a snapback hat. It's a very expressive hat. But he got me a hat in Charlotte, and if you don't know that Charlotte's initials are CLT. So the hat says CLT on it, which when I see that out just looks like clit. It's troubling, it's troubling how people are just allowed to wear a hat that makes it look like it's saying clit.

Now I know what I'm getting you for Christmas. Clit hat, clit hat.

So my friend just got me, me and him. That should be Riddikitty's new hat. Yeah, clit. Me and him both have matching clit hats and that's what's new in my neck of the woods. Erin, do you have something special happening in your neck of the woods?

Uh, not really. Tomorrow's my birthday.

What? I know I'm gonna be 20... 20. 24. No, I'm gonna be 27.

25 is your birthday? No, 26. No, when we're recording, technically.

I love how Adal was trying to make it seem like the release date.

No, when we are recording tomorrow.

So right now, literally tomorrow. Literally tomorrow.

By the time people hear this, they will be... Whoa, so you were born on September 11th? Cool, let's not say your birthday, but we'll say this for the truth fans, it's four days after my dad's.

Yeah, and so if they are really a fan, then they'll know and they'll send me gifts.

What are you going to be doing for your birthday?

I am going to do world news.

Oh nice. For listeners, you should know, and I'll brag for Erin, Erin just got added to the cast full-time for world news.

Oh yeah.

So she's a full-time cast member. If you come to IO to see world news now, myself, JPC, and Erin are all full-time cast members and most likely if you come you'll catch us in the 8 o'clock or 10 30.

And Erin had been working up to being a full-time cast member for a while. Two years. For those of you who don't know, the only thing they have to do to become a full-time cast member is eat 100 scorpions. So Adal and I did our 100 scorpions years ago, right?

Well, to be fair, JPC and I ate the tiny scorpions, so we just ate them by the cupful. Erin insisted on eating emperor scorpions, which if you don't know... They're about 10 inches long.

And I wanted to name them first.

She says, I always name my lovers and my scorpions.

I always name my lovers and then I kill them.

If we could get a t-shirt that says I always name my lovers on my scorpions, that would sell at least two.

That would sell at least two, I'd buy two.

Or can we get a hat that just says clit hat? Erin, do you remember any of the names you gave those scorpions?

All named after ex-boyfriends.

We'll see you next time.

I tried to call Erin to tell her about it but then I had to text her because she wasn't free to call and I wanted to tell her so she ASAP ASAP in his fables

And she kept texting, she just kept texting, I'm crying, I'm crying, I'm crying, I'm crying. And I was like, Erin, I have news for you. This is before you.

You just told people! Also, for my birthday, I'm having a bunch of people come over and watch You've Got Mail. And then maybe, if I'm lucky, they'll watch the porn parody. And then maybe they'll watch Newsies with me.

You've got mail and newsies. There's got to be some sort of reverse chronological order there. Email the newspapers. Okay.

What's the porn version of You've Got Mail?

You've Got Mail. Thank you for asking. You've Got M-A-L-E.

What's the porn version of Newsies?

It's the same. Oh, for me it's the same.

Extra, extra.

I was going to actually tell both of you that my birthday is in December and I am thinking about hosting like a get-together where, were you there at my birthday party like three years ago when we played that big game of Mafia? No, I wasn't invited. Great.

And I wasn't invited to Erin's birthday party about watching You've Got Mail. I burped!

She did it!

What a great way to cover that up.

I think what I want to do for my birthday this year is play a big game of werewolf, which is a game that you can play with like 30 people, 20 people. So I think I'm gonna have a werewolf party.

I did play a giant game of werewolf with you, but I don't know if it was for your birthday.

I don't think it was because I remember being there and being like we're trapped here. There's no air in this cave. Why is this guy wanted to play werewolf? Everyone else is trying to dig. Did this guy cause the collapse? But anyway, stay tuned for that. I think that's something I'm going to do for my birthday. Adal, what is going on in your Beck of the Boobs? Beck of the Boobs. And now for your Beck of the Boobs.

And for the lady, a Beck of the Bugs. If you're a weatherman and you're talking about something, and now back to what's up and you're a Beck of the Bugs. You're begging the buds. I am preparing to, this is a few weeks away, but I am preparing to go to India. I just found out I'm going there for an improv gig. Okay. So I'm reading into it. I'm, oh, I'm so sorry.

India. I thought you were going there.

Getting my shots. I'm actually going to New Delhi, India, so I'm gonna go there for like a five-hour improv gig, but I have some extra days, so I'm going to Agra, which is where the Taj Mahal is, and then I'm gonna go to Jaipur, I believe. It's like called the Pink City, where it's just like all the buildings are made from like pink stone. So I'm very excited and also wildly nervous because I don't know, I'm a huge, I'm very into food.

You big India fan? I'm such a big India fan.

Oh, I've watched all their games. But I'm very big into food and that's a big part of travel for me is I love traveling to eat. But I'm so scared of like eating street food and like, because so many people have stories about getting sick from even ice cubes and stuff. So yeah, I'm very, I'm very concerned. But excited.

How did you get an improv gig in India?

Shana Halpern.

You said that like Hannibal Lecter.

Shana Halpern. And then a few weeks after that, I'm going to Seattle for a podcast convention.

Oh, cool. From India to Seattle.

And Hey Riddle Riddle is doing a live show there. But you guys weren't invited. But we were not invited, no.

That's fine.

And we're renaming it Magic Tiber.

They got two bigger celebrities than Erin and I. Yeah.

I don't think you could, yo. Gee bear, ladies and gentlemen.

Hey boo boo.

Oh, I'm old man puzzles.

You are.

I forgot that I genuinely keep forgetting that we have to do riddles.

Whoa.

Are we ready?

And this is your... Well, so we are contractually obligated to keep doing riddles. That's the deal we made with Satan. He gave us our freedom. Otherwise he gets our dog.

Yes. Let's do this. I have a warm up riddle for you. Are you ready? Oh, okay, yes. A doctor and a bus driver are both in love with the same woman, an attractive girl named Sarah. The bus driver- named Susie. Thank you. The bus driver had to go on a long bus trip that would last a week. Before he left, he gave Sarah seven apples.

Why? Because Sarah was- The doctor was the mother. Was Satan in the Garden of Eden.

Yep. A doctor and a bus driver are both in love with the same woman, an attractive girl named Susie. The bus driver had to go on a long bus trip that would last a week. Before he left, he gave Sarah.

Nailed it.

I think I got it too, but this is simple, right?

It's because a doctor a day keeps the apple away, so seven apples would keep the doctor away for a week.

We both said a doctor a day keeps the apple away. That's the right answer. Yeah, that's how it works.

Are we ready?

Keep that goddamn apple away from me, I'm a man of science.

If you sleep with a doctor, you'll stay away from New York City.

That's true. Oh, that is so true.

Erin has struck me across the face.

No, I did. I fell in love with a doctor and we slept together and she moved to New York.

And that's how you got HPV? That's how I got HPV.

JPC is talking about me. I am one of JPC's ex-girlfriends. She is one of the scorpions I name.

I am the scorpion king. I am the rock.

Dwayne Johnson. No, I'm way out of JPC's league. That is commonly known. Oh, for sure. Yo, yo, yo.

I'm ugly on the inside and the outside. No. No, I am not ugly. I'm a hot guy. Don't forget you're a gay dad. I'm a gay dad.

Are we ready?

Yes, I'm ready.

Rearrange.

I can't speak for this bag of bones.

Hey, bag of bones, you ready? Hey Mr. Bag of Bones, you ready?

And that's what's going on in your bag of bones.

Rearrange the letters O-O-U-S-W-T-D-N-E-J-R to spell just one word.

Rearrange the letters O-O-U-S-W-T-D-N-E-J-R to spell just one word.

There's no S in there?

O-O-U-S-W-T-D-N-J-R-D-N-E-J-R It's Jerdunsterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I put a sign on your back. What does it say?

How would I read it if it's on my back, Adam?

Adam doesn't know what a back is. He doesn't know how vision works. I do too.

Oh yeah? Well guess what, Caroline? I heard your mom knows what the devil with two backs is. That's right. She's fucking around.

Why aren't you British?

What's that?

We're all being British school children and you're doing this.

You're the only two kids at this school that are British.

We died 10 years ago. This is central Indiana. We died 10 years ago.

What do you mean you died 10 years ago?

We died.

We died 10 years ago. Not here.

I didn't know you. We died in England. I didn't know you 10 years ago. What does that significance to me?

My only toy is a hoop.

My only toy is a stick. Wait a second, am I to feel bad for you? You dead ghost children.

You can't read!

I can talk to you. Which means I can talk to Bruce Willis. Beep boop boop boop boop boop. Oh come on! Sorry, go ahead.

I've already lost the number. Connection lost. Man, I was going to get to talk to my hero. Do you know what it is? Hudson Hawk. Downstretcher. What's the question? Use the letters to blah blah blah.

Rearrange the letters. O-O-U-S-W-T-D-N-E-J-R to spell just one word.

Yeah, it spells just one word. Spells out the phrase just one word.

You dumb, you dumb, you dumb, you're all dumb, you're all so dumb.

Look, I'm not dumb.

Typical side of Erin we usually see.

You dumb, you dumb, you're all so dumb.

For those of you who can't see in the studio, Erin has brought two silver six-shooters and she's firing them off into the air.

For those of you who can see in the studio, how?

Who are you? How dare you?

What is more useful when it is broken? Heart. Are we okay?

No, we're not. I'm sad all day.

What is more useful when it is broken?

A fart. Silence. You break wind. Silence. You break wind. You break wind. Erin. She spit. She spit. What is more useful when it is broken? A promise. More useful. More useful.

A promise. Oh, a glass at a Jewish wedding. That's true.

Yeah. Um, no.

Oh, those. Oh, I got it. It's those orange chocolates on Christmas.

Yes. And you know, crack them on the table.

And then they smash on the cracker. It's the bottle that you break on a ship when you are christening the ship.

What's that called? A bottle. Christening a ship.

Adal was right, but I do want to see that scene. So, JPC, you are an old-timey world traveler, and you've gathered everyone in town around to christen your new ship, and you're about to set sail across the world. And this is your speech.

Before I set sail across the world to find my lost son... And we do hope you find him. Well, thank you. Thank you very much.

Now we're all on your side.

Well, yes, yes, yes, of course. Well, I must find him before... What's his name again? Oh, my son? His name is Junior. Yes, I've named him after me. My name, of course, is Senior. But before I leave, I want to say a few words to christen this ship. As we all know, ships historically have names once they are christened. So I'll christen the ship and announce the name. It also helps to make sure they're not haunted. I'm sorry?

To christen a ship is to make sure there's no spooky ghosts on board.

That's one reason we do it, yes. I forgot about that. That's new information.

And also because we have so much champagne in town. Well, yes. We've got to get rid of this champagne.

We're proud of champagne. We make champagne. We love champagne.

Yes, this is champagne. We bathe in champagne. Champagne, Illinois, where I'm christening the ship, and this is the accent we've all chosen.

I mop my floors with champagne, and boy, oh boy, can I hear my wife walking around. I said I mop my floors with champagne and boil boy. Can I hear my wife walkin' around?

I eat my cereal with champagne. I love champagne. Hotty toddy, drunk all the time.

One, two, three. A toast to champagne. That root beer is delicious.

It's like I always say, champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends.

Tom Waits invented that. You didn't say that.

Well, let me turn my own phrase. Let's see here, shampoo for my real friends, real poo for my sham friends. What are you, Adam Sandler? You'll know when you're not afraid of mine because you're going to be a bunch of shit.

Have you considered the fact that your son might be dead? And this could be all for naught? Husty Tusty Champagne, I want you a little bit of a buzz.

Well I had considered that but honestly he's a rambunctious boy and I do believe he's got a bit of his father's spunk in him and I do believe that. I do mean that figuratively. Now hold on. All children are children of their father's spunk, if we're being honest.

It's time you went about on your ship.

Oh, there's a storm and he died. Okay, he's dead. We can hardly know that for truth. And here's the bottle that we christened the ship. And remember, I christened the ship, I break the bottle, and then I say the ship's name. And here we go, and smash. God damn it! Motherfucking! And the answer to the riddle that you asked Erin was... What? Words short of just one phrase.

It was egg. There was a greenhouse. Inside the greenhouse there was a white house. Inside the white house there is a red house. Inside the red house there is lots of babies. What am I?

A Russian nesting doll. You know how falcons bring babies.

There is a greenhouse. Inside the greenhouse there is a white house. Inside the white house there is a red house. Inside the red house there are lots of

What am I?

Nope.

A blood cell.

No, it's not.

Green, white, red babies. Green, white, red babies. Italians or Mexicans.

That's the colors of their flags.

That is the color of their flags, but no.

But am I right when I said green, white, red babies?

Yeah, green, white, red babies.

Green, white, red, babies. So babies in a hospital. Hospitals are red. Red for the blood of Christ. Red room. The shining. White for the sterile nature. Green cause trees.

Green cause trees.

Okay, so Erin, can I ask you a bunch of questions about this? Sure.

Okay, so... There's a green room. Inside the green room is a white room. Inside the white room there's a red room. Inside the red room there's lots of babies.

So here's my goddamn question. Are these actually rooms? Or are these like real rooms? No. They're figurative.

Figurative.

Okay. But the color is important. Green, white, red, baby.

The white is very small. The white is not. The red is the biggest.

It's got to be a food with seeds inside. Seeds as babies? Seeds as babies?

Seeds as babies? Seeds as babies?

Watermelon.

Yes. Welcome back to Erin tries to get JPC and Adal to say the word watermelon.

Hand to no God. Hand to there is no God. I almost said watermelon, but then I was like, we had a watermelon riddle. And so it wouldn't be that.

I'm going to throw one in every four episodes to make sure you know what that fruit is. It took seven minutes.

Here's the thing. I don't know what that fruit is, but I have since learned that if I don't know the answer to the riddle, I should say watermelon. That's the lesson that I've learned from this.

Boy, did we get the answer to the last riddle on our face.

Egg. Champagne bottle?

What was it? Watermelon? Curse in my face.

Okay, so I really want to get to the riddles because I'm very, very excited about these. I know. Pause right now. Go back to episode one when I said I hate riddles. I still hate riddles, but I do love these.

Wait, so they paused. They went back to episode one. They listened to it. They came right back and you said they still hate riddles? That's got to be the worst payoff for anyone in the history of payoffs.

Hey Erin, you're a pretty unique person, would you agree?

Yeah, I'm pretty and unique.

You're unique.

Okay.

Or are you nitty? Yeah. What do you sleep on?

Sometimes it's just like a bunch of newspapers stacked on top of each other of like when I've been in the news. And sometimes it's JPC.

That's a pretty thin amount of newspapers. Local girl falls downstairs. What? I said local girl falls downstairs. Does it on purpose. Goes to jail. Well Erin because of your unique pretty makeup, I don't know how to phrase this, you should be sleeping on the Helix mattress that JPC and I got you.

Yeah, yeah, I mean we know that sometimes people have been like don't sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, but they mean don't side sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, don't hot sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, because we know that everybody sleeps different. Well the Helix Sleep Mattress is designed for people who sleep in a variety of different ways.

And you can take a quiz And it's not the type of quiz that you can fail, so don't worry about that. I worry about that. But it's just a quiz to get to know what kind of sleeper you are.

You took the Helix Sleep quiz, Erin, and you got a don't sleep, right?

The first F ever.

You can find that quiz at helixsleep.com slash riddle. It only takes two minutes, and it's going to match your specific makeup to a mattress that's right for you.

Yeah, that's why they call it Helix Sleep, because it relies on double helix, so you just enter your DNA into the quiz, and then it tells you what kind of mattress is your soulmate, basically.

And it tells you what kind of mattresses your ancestors slept on. I mean, you'll see that in your dreams.

Yeah, that'll be something thatthey don't promise that, but that is something that comes in most people's dreams.

And they have a 10-year warranty, and you get to try it for 100 nights, risk-free.

No risks! They have a 10-year warranty?

Warren G. Yeah, 10-year Warren G. And 100 nights risk-free.

There is a little loophole here because they say 100 nights, but you also get the 100 days as well. Oh, do you? So you can sleep in the mattress 24 hours a day for 100 days.

And for me specifically, for Adal Rifai, those are Arabian days and Arabian nights. That's true. All 100.

And that's not something any of the rest of us feel comfortable saying.

And if you sleep next to a partner, half the mattress can be for you and the other half of the mattress could be for your partner.

Or, you know, you could do three quarters. Just with sprawl, with arms and legs. But right now Helix is offering up to $125 off all mattress orders. That's $125 off. To get your $125 off at helixsleep.com slash riddle. That's helixsleep.com slash riddle for up to $125 off your mattress order. Don't sleep on this deal. That's not theirs. That's mine.

I guess the way I sleep is I clutch a pillow and I kiss it.

Yeah, I do the same thing but the pillow's in between my legs.

How I sleep is, you know when you get someone in that choke hold with your leg?

Oh, like Xena did for James Bond in that movie?

Yeah, that's what my blankets do to me.

That's HelixSleep.com slash Riddle. Of course on the pillow I write, not a pillow. So when I kiss it, it makes sense.

Naturally, you're pretty unique.

Helixsleep.com slash riddle.

If you remember a few episodes ago, I talked about the show, the British show Only Connect and how much The Great British Bake Off. Yes, so gentle. The British show Only Connect and I asked listeners to send in Only Connect style questions and they did and they sent a ton and they're all so good and I want to be able to read as many as possible. So, do you remember the general concept for how this goes?

You're going to try to find the... List of... What is this? How I Met Your Mother? I like that. So it's like three or four words and we have to find out what connects them all?

What connects them all. And so these are definitely way more in the style of the actual show. So we're going to do a couple and then I think you'll get used to it. I don't want to talk.

Are they in British accents?

If only, no, because you won't do one.

I will not do one.

Are we gonna read the person who sent it in?

Yes, I'm gonna give a part of their name. Ooh, which part?

I don't know.

Alright, so this is from Alex.

The middle's my favorite part of the fans.

And I think Alex was the first one to ever send, like he sent these before I even publicly asked.

Could be a woman, could be Alex Mack.

Thanks for watching. Ready? Yes. So how this works is you can stop me if you think you know, like if you hear two things and you think you know the connection, and you'll technically get more points if you figure it out earlier.

So if one of us gets it, we should maybe allow time for the other person to get it versus shouting it out?

Okay.

Or you tell us, is that okay?

I think, yeah.

Or is there enough that we should just kind of go through them as fast as possible?

Why don't we each take a buzzer. So here's your buzzer. Here's my buzzer.

You gave me a dead vulture.

You picked up something pantomime and used a dead vulture as you looked at something in your hand. A vulture is enormous. A vulture is so big.

But when it dies it loses all of its water.

This is what we'll do. If you think you know it, write it down. So we'll know if you had it at the two point. All right, here's your first one, and you're going to tell me what the connection is. And these are all different types of connections. It can be word-based. It can be like the content.

It could be cousins.

Yeah, whatever it is. OK, ready? Ooh, could be cousins.

It could be things that make you go, hmm.

Like cousins. This one, I think, should be pretty easy. So I'll do it first.

Ready?

Yes. Snake.

Snake.

Macy Black. The Stripes. Red Floyd.

Got it.

I think I got it. Okay, yeah, I got it too.

I'm gonna read it again just for people. Snake.

Snake.

Macy Black. The Stripes. Red Floyd.

I think I got it.

I have no idea. What is it? You don't know? No.

Really?

I don't know.

Okay.

Can I, should I give some other ones? Sure.

That's fun.

I think this is a band. Oh shit. Well, I was gonna say the Orange Crows.

So like Macy Gray, Pink Floyd, The White Stripes.

So it's band names, but the color's been inverted? Or like?

Not quite.

You're getting close. So it's Macy Gray, White Snake, White Stripes, and Pink Floyd?

No, it's Snake, Macy Black. The Stripes.

It's just Snake?

I was thinking White Snake. It just says Snake. Snake? Oh, is it? Macy Black.

How would snake fit in there? Macy Black is Macy Gray.

Is it due to the color shade? Like shades of white are missing?

That's what it is. Musicians which have had white removed from their names.

So Pink Floyd with the white removed would be Red Floyd.

Macy Gray with the white removed would be Macy Black.

Isn't that great? That's amazing. And the white stripes with the white removed is just the stripes. That's Macy Gray.

I love that.

So that technically was the best thing we've ever done on the show.

I just said that's basically great and nobody looked at me or acknowledged me. I received no pets on the back.

There was no accolades. Stop looking at me.

Let's pour some water.

I also think Alex... Get your conflicting... I'm sorry.

Alex, the person who sent this in, I think is like a whiz at these, like has been on shows before.

Oh really? Yeah. Are they British? I think so. Do you have their last initial? Yes, Alex M. Alex M. Alex Mack. It is Alex Mack.

I was right. Ready? I'm gonna give, I want to keep going because I want to, these are all so great.

Do you think that they're so good at this is because they can turn into a puddle of salt crimes? Alex Mack, what's your power? Turn a puddle and solve crimes.

Somebody draw that. Somebody draw it.

A puddle solving crimes? Please don't draw that. That's going to be so boring. Please draw it. Oh, that's a challenge. A puddle of blood next to a puddle of metal.

Filling a line in any direction.

Filling a line in any direction? Filling a line in any direction. That's the first item?

Yep.

Filling a line in any direction.

Clearing four lines at once.

Clearing four lines. Okay.

Having all five dice be the same.

Odds. Things that are odd.

Having one card left.

Uno, Yahtzee, Tetris. These are games?

That's part of it.

That's part of it. These are ways that you win games?

They're games with numbers in them?

No.

This is the best thing that you can do in a game.

Yeah, but what else?

This is the final thing before you win a game. What do you mean what else?

No, like it's the best thing you can do in the game and then it said the best thing that's why they

That's why they named it The Game.

And now it's happening in your bucket of bugs. Yahtzee.

And now back to you Debetho. These are the titular moves that name the game.

Yes, they're the titular moves. Share their name with the game they are a-termin. Bingo, Tetris, Yahtzee, Uno.

Nice one. Bingo, Yahtzee, Tetris, Udo. Bingo, Yahtzee, Tetris, Udo. Bingo, Yahtzee, Tetris, Udo. Bingo, Yahtzee, Tetris, Udo. Bingo, Yahtzee, Tetris, Udo.

Bingo, Yahtzee, Tetris, Udo. Bingo, Yahtzee, Tetris, Udo.

Bingo, Yahtzee, Tetris, Udo. Bingo, Yahtzee, Tetris, Udo. Bingo, Yahtzee, Tetris, Udo. Bingo, Yahtzee, Tetris, Udo. Bingo, Yahtzee, Tetris, Udo. Bingo, Yahtzee, Tetris, Udo. Bingo, Yahtzee, Tetris, Udo.

Bingo, Yahtzee, Tetris, Udo. Bingo, Yahtzee, Tetris, Udo.

Cop or Wire?

Welcome back to Cop or Wire!

The only show where you watch a random four minute clip of The Wire and you have to determine, was that a cop? Or a wire?

We gotta do a quick scene. Erin, you are, JPC and I are in an interrogation room. You are interrogating the two of us and you, through a series of questions, much like a Turing test, you have to decide whether we are, one of us is a cop and one of us is a liar. And depending on our responses, you have to suss it out. And we only have 30 seconds.

Okay. Okay. Cop says what?

Yeah, it's not gonna give me a fall for that one.

Okay.

You gotta come at me with something a little more classy than they need to come and get at me. Alright. Spark, spark, spark. Wire says... Spark, spark, spark. They could really use a donor in here.

You're, you, the one who just said the thing about the donut, you're the wire, the other one's the cop. Yo, bingo bingo, hot ta ta, good night, good luck, and I'll see you in your bedavos.

What? I'll see you in your... Bedavos. Did you say, uh, bedavos? Bedavos. Billy Bedavos. And scene. Okay.

Scene. Copper wire. Silver paste.

Silver what?

Paste.

Paste.

Tin roof? Leonard Bernstein.

Oh. Is that it?

A train manager.

These are all R.E.M. songs.

I know it.

They're all conductors.

Yeah!

Leonard Bernstein conducted orchestras, train conductor, copper wiring is a conductor.

But I was right about R.E.M. songs too.

So I think that's the last of Alex's we'll do because I want to save some. And this next one is from Joe.

And real quick to Alex, thank you so much for your service turning into puddles and finding people's lost groceries and shit like that.

And you're very smart. We're very lucky that you all sent us these.

By the way, there's a very weird Alex, if you go on YouTube, there's a very weird Alex Mack 9-11 conspiracy tie-in where on the show Alex Mack, which was years before the attacks on September 11th, there's like a very weird character in the show who like is like, yes, I'll meet you on September 11th, 2001. Are you serious? Go Google Alex Mack 9-11 conspiracy and watch the YouTube video. It's bizarre. But yes, it's just random coincidence that that number and date was, you know, used in that context.

What do you do with your downtime?

I don't have downtime, Adal, because I'm out there learning the fucking truth about what Alex Mack, you know, because jet steel don't melt, but the puddle steel melt because the Alex Mack in the building. Snopes. Snopes. Snopes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you come at me, but it's all fake news and stuff. Shout out to my grandpa.

Are we ready?

Yes, I'm ready.

This one's a little different.

Oh, sorry. Who is this from? Joe? Can we get a last initial for Joe?

It doesn't say. Oh. I mean, I took a screenshot of this on my phone, so I can't expand it.

I will assume it's Joe Dirt.

Okay.

And I will read it in his voice.

All right, ready?

Yeah.

What is full of tar under your arm and in a fruit?

Dang.

That's the first one. That's just the first one.

What is full of tar under your arm and in a... I got it. Yeah.

Okay.

Got it. Me too.

I also have it. What's bright, not heavy?

Is this part of the same riddle?

Yeah, this is... No, it's all... So all of these answers will have a connection.

I see. What's bright, not heavy? Okay. Got it. A skinny genius.

Nowadays, apple is more common than pocket.

Apple is more common than pocket? Nowadays, apple is more common than pocket.

What are we trying to solve for? It's clever.

Okay, okay, okay. Apple is more popular than pocket.

The apple and pocket attached to this word.

I got it.

Millennialism for that's funny.

I know this one immediately. I'm a millennial.

Millennialism for that's funny, I'm blank.

LOL.

And so we have to figure out the answer to all of those and then what is the thing they have in common.

So this is like 15 riddles in one.

Yeah, it's awesome.

Millennial for I'm funny, I'm turnt?

No, or that's funny.

That's funny. That's lit.

That's dope. Can we compare answers? Yes. So it's four different words, right?

Yeah.

So let's go through it. We'll say the words at the same time in the voice of Joe Dirt. So number one, we'll go. One, two, three. Pit. Number two. One, two, three. Light. What is it? Light? I said light. I don't know what it is. It says what is bright but doesn't weigh much or something like that. Number three.

One, two, three.

Watch. Joanne! Fabrics. Is it watch? So like Apple pocket watch? And then number four is one, two, three. ROTFL?

No.

So you have the first three.

So I would say what is the thing that is connecting those first three and then work your way backwards.

Pit, light, watch. Pit, light, watch. Pit, light, watch.

A watch has hands.

What's the fourth clue again?

Millennialism for that's funny. I'm blank.

Dying. Lulling.

Dying.

Dead. Yep. I'm dead. Pit, light, watch, dead. These are all episodes of Night Court. Pit, light, watch, dead. Pit, light, watch, and dead.

Your hint is I think they wrote one of these specifically for us because of something on our show.

Man.

Dead Man, Watch Man, Light Man, Man Light, Pit Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man, Light Man Stop. But we've said so much. Pit stop.

Light stop. Stop light. Pit stop. Stop watch. Stop light. Stop watch. Dead stop. Oh wow, that's wonderful.

Incredible, right? Thank you so much.

Thanks, Joe Dirt. Wow, Joe Dirt. Dang. Dang, Joe Dirt. Thanks with your mullet and the dog's balls on the porch. I remember two things about that movie. He gets those balls off the porch with a spatula. The girl doesn't, you know? Do they remake another Joe Dirt?

Joe Dirt, that's Indiana's national anthem.

Was there a Joe Dirt 2? You are so pleased with you saying that Joe Dirt was our national anthem. Our national anthem is a feature-length movie. Sorry, David Spain. If anything, it would be Black Sheep.

We don't stand for our nationalism, we sit with popcorn.

Joe Dirt is one of those movies that I watched 1,000 times growing up.

Tom Nipples.

This is from Jennifer. Jen, oh she's from San Jose. That's not true! Hi Jen.

Do you know the way to San Jose?

This one might take a second so let's get into it. Alright your first, so this is a similar format to the last one so you have to guess the word.

This is for Matt. Four Matts.

Mm-hmm. Ready?

Four Matts. Damon?

Tony, Falcon, and Star-Lord all use these to get around.

Shalube. Tony, Falcon, and Star-Lord.

I'm just shalubing myself from place to place. Shalube as a verb.

So Star-Lord is Guardians of the Galaxy, uses a ship, or booster. Falcon is what? Captain Falcon? Falcon is the guy from Avengers. Tony, Tony Stark. So they all use like suits with rocket boosters.

Specifically,

Armor? Armor?

Jetpacks?

Jetpacks.

She carried the hit TV show, Fornication, in the large town.

Sex and the City.

But who?

Oh, Charlotte.

It's Californication.

She carried.

Yeah, Charlotte. Carried.

It's Californication and it's the mom from Designated Survivor. Sarah Jessica Parker. Sarah Jessica Parker? Okay. She was married to Matthew Broderick and still is.

Matthew Broderick drove over a man in Ireland.

What do you mean?

Peach, but I can find them preserved in a jar of... Peaches.

Jam. Yeah. Marmalade.

So peach jam is great. Of all the things to hit, this is probably the best. Deadass. Of all the things to hit, this is probably the best.

Deadass.

Vape pen. I just hit the... Vape pen.

Snooze button.

I just hit the... Vape pen.

Floor.

Oh!

Hit the scene.

You did that? Oh, I just hit the... Hit and run.

Matthew Broderick.

No, the saying. I just hit the... Vape pen. Today we're

Jetpack, Sarah Jessica Parker, Peace Jam, Jackpot, they're all J words. Jet, Jess, Jam, Jack.

So you got, sort of.

Yeah, they're all SJPs. They're all what?

SJPs. No. JPCs. They're all JPCs.

They all have JPC in them.

Damn.

She wrote it for you. Whoa. Jen in San Jose wrote it for you. You're the answer to a riddle, finally.

And you wouldn't even take it seriously, you fucking coward.

Hold on now. You're a fucking coward.

What?

You guys don't know.

She wrote it for you.

And I will reveal now.

She wrote it for you.

Jen in San Jose is me. What? That's right. There is no JIN in San Jose. If you'll notice around the room, it's like, Kaiser, Jose, JIN. San Jose, what do we have there? San, S, A, N, J. Hmm, interesting, we've got a J. Now, what is her name? JIN. J is the fourth letter of the alphabet. E is the sixth letter. N is the eighth letter. Add those together, P, the sixteenth letter of the alphabet.

Ooh, now we're so close. Alright, let's do another one.

The world 1804 Facebook wait wait what is this hold on it's a whole new one I know it's a whole new one I'm not a freaking idiot. Are those the first clue or the four clues?

This is I'm gonna read four clues and they're and they're not you don't have to like

These are just the words.

These are just the words.

Was the world 18041 or two different ones?

What?

Like the world, comma, 1804, or was it the world in 1804?

Okay. When you are done with one idea and you're moving on to the second in the list, can you do something to break it up? Like squawk or say, thank you.

All right. Ready?

Yes.

The world, 1804. Facebook, 2012. Africa, 2009. China, 1982.

Okay, I did not hear a squawk yet. Squawk! Okay, so that's the end of the first one.

1982? 1982 was the year I was born. Yeah, I believe that one. The cows come home. Check out the Chinese, the Chinese in 1982. This is where Band-Aid was held in each year. In 1804, it was just worldwide, Band-Aid.

Band-Aid?

Yeah. It's the concert that raises money for- For little cuts and bruises?

Okay, so give me those clues one more time. The world 1804. The world 1804, Facebook 2012, Africa 2009, China 1982. Oh boy. These are all places and dates.

Yeah, but what happened on that date?

These are all times where... What was the milestone? This is when they were discovered. After it was discovered in 2009, Facebook was founded in 2012. Nope. Facebook, 2012. Facebook was founded in 2012. Well, I'm a millennial, so ask me about Snapchat.

What was the first one in the world?

What's going on with Snapchat? The world is a vampire. The world, 1804. Facebook, 2012. What milestone? It's a milestone. Africa, 2009. China, 1982.

When you could first like something. First started liking China in 1982. I have no idea.

What happened in Facebook in 2012?

Went public? IPO?

Did it go public?

Uh-uh. Discovered? I'd say all these things were pretty popular at the time.

Oh, was that the year the movie came out about it?

No, they were popular.

The movie about the world came out in 1804? Think about it, you fucking coward.

So when something's popular, do a lot of people?

Trendsetters.

And decide to be there? Can I tell you the answer?

Give us a better hint.

There's no hint I can give you without giving it away.

Oh, try that one. Try the one that you can give us that will give it away.

I guess.

I want to. Facebook. Letters. Do you know what this is? Letters is hiding behind their paper.

So Facebook was really peak. A lot of people on Facebook in 2012.

The highest population.

Yeah. What? What milestone of population? How many?

Pinnacle. They're pinnacle. One million people. One billion. One billion.

It's when all those things reached a billion people. The world, 1804. Facebook, 2012. Africa, 2009. China, 1982. Isn't this good?

Wow, that's when Facebook had a billion dollars?

Billion dollars? You know what's cool? A billion dollars. I'm Justin Timberlake.

Ooh, he's Justin Timberlake. Do your other Justin Timberlake impression, like that thing that you do.

Uh, cry me all the lakes. There you go. We should mention there's music bleeding over from this party that's happening next door.

Oh, sorry. It is useful to mention that across the hall my dad is being honored.

Where'd you tell him you were going to be? What's that? Last time you told him you were going to be in Denmark? Copenhagen.

Yeah, my dad is being honored across the hall.

What do you think, Denmark? What do you think Copenhagen is?

He did save a bear from a fire. And so he's getting an award from the governor. And I told him I could not be at the party because I had to go wash my hair.

You said it was a retirement party.

This is a new episode and it's a new party joke. I'm gonna do jokes, brand new jokes every episode. The one thing I promise to anyone listening to this is that every episode of this show I will go on a date with one of your siblings, I will pay for 25% of that date, and I will do two kisses at the end of the day. One at the top of the head, one at the bottom of the feet.

I forgot to say who this was from. This is from Jack K. He sent a bunch and they're all excellent.

Are you sure it's not Jackie?

Hey Jack, let's get married. Hey Jack, okay, let's get married. No?

He said no.

JK, JK. Okay, I guess this will be the last one we do? Oh yeah, sure. Yeah, all right. And this one I think you'll get, so we'll have this be like a race.

I can't wait for you to be wrong.

Okay, that's the sentence JPC says to me the most. That's true. Ready? Yes. A hammer and a feather.

A hammer and a feather? That's the first clue.

Six US flags.

Okay.

Two golf balls.

Two golf balls? Okay.

Eugene Shoemaker's shoes.

You think I'm going to get this fast?

Things I've had up my ass. Eugene used to beat the shit out of me. Eugene Shoemaker's shoes? Oh boy.

A hammer and a feather.

Are we supposed to know who Eugene Shoemaker is?

Six American flags. I don't think so.

So a hammer and a feather. There's that old riddle about if you drop a hammer and a feather which lands first. Six US flags. How many stars and stripes is that? Two golf balls have all them dimples. Uh, what's a famous golf ball brand?

You know there were six flags? Used to be seven flags, but they took away the confederate flags.

Oh, these are all theme parks. No, I... Two golf balls is Epcot cut in half. Six flags is... Six US flags is six flags. This is funny. You didn't laugh, you just said the words, it's funny. It's funny. I'm dead. That was clever. I'm dead.

I think I know this. The second one gave it away to me because it's like an anecdote I've often heard just used about this.

Six US flags walk into a bar. The bartender says...

Half mast. I just like, I don't know. That's what I, hearing six US flags I associate with this thing.

Are they draped on the bodies of six strong boys who fought in the war? Is that a thing? Nope. Okay. Six American flags. Two golf balls. What takes six, what would six American flags, is this a six flag situation? Are the flags being flown?

Well, not quite.

Is it six flags the theme park?

No, the flags are not really, yeah.

The flags aren't really flags.

No, they're flags. The flags are flags, but they're not going like this in the wind.

Blowing.

They're not waving like a... Is it an American flag story?

No.

Are they little tiny plastic flags?

Nope. I think they probably spent a lot of money on these flags.

One of the best of the best. These are flags that are hanging from a place.

Nope. They're stuck in the ground, but they're not blowing in the wind.

Oh, this is a sports thing.

Golf, mini golf. This is the moon. There's six flags on the moon?

These are all things that have been left on the moon.

Cool, huh? Two golf balls, Eugene Shoemaker's shoes. And with that... We left six flags on the moon? That seems... We left an entire six flags on the moon.

We flew the old guy who dances to that song.

So I would like to see the scene between the two of you you're two astronauts Okay, and you are discussing you have a couple more hours left on the moon You're discussing what you were gonna leave behind what your legacy is gonna be Can you breathe yeah, yeah

Oh, good, good, good. It's like barely, it's like hard. Yeah, it's like, my throat is tearing up. It's cold.

It's cold. Yeah, it feels like I drained something cold. Hey, Alex, Alex. Yeah? What did you, I brought my duffel bag full of fun stuff to, fun stuff to leave on the moon.

Oh, okay, yeah.

You know how I'm a prop comic?

Yeah.

Well, on Earth. Well, I mean, if you're a prop comic, if you're a prop comic, wherever you go, you're a prop comic. I miss my son, I miss my wife. Oh, you're a country music singer.

No, it's Elton John, you know.

Sorry?

It's just who I am six days a week. Rocket Man? Rocket Man. Yeah, but it's like that song is about how he's like an astronaut in his spare time.

Rocket Man's about an astronaut? Are you sure? I thought Rocket Man, can I tell you what, I thought Rocket Man was about Tony Stark. I skimmed it. Star-Lord. I skimmed the song. How do you skim a song?

I've only ever seen it written.

Boy, it's cold. It is so cold. What did you bring? So I brought like some funny hats like there's like... What kind of hats do you have?

Do you have one of those CLT hats from the Charlotte Airport?

Yeah, Clint hat. Yeah, it looks like Clint. Brought this safety cone, like a roadside safety cone.

Oh, for a hat!

I thought it'd just be funny. There's not a joke that goes with it, just like a funny hat. What if the KKK was planet safe and it's a safety cone?

It's Houston. Have you made any choices?

Are you coming back to Earth?

What's going on in your back of the woods?

That was Angelica Houston.

We're not going to get her back on the phone.

It's like calling Bruce Willis. Let's do more prop comedy stuff. I think that's a deep well.

So I brought this thong because I put this on and I tell people it's my moon unit.

Also I can bend over while I'm wearing it and I moon people. And I brought this hemorrhoid cream. I also use this as the back of the act. This is for my asteroids.

Oh good, good. I brought some Eclipse gum. Is that a thing?

It's kind of fun. That's kind of a joke.

Is that prop comedy?

We don't know what prop comedy is, do we? Can I be honest?

I lost my confidence when you told me that on the moon I'm an astronaut, not a prop comic. What was Crocodile Rock about? What's that? What was Crocodile Rock about? Candles in the wind.

Okie dokie.

Okie dokie artichokie. Oh boy.

So Adal, can you read some of our Whittleware champions?

Yeah, we have some people who bought some Hey Riddle Riddle... Now, we don't know these are people.

They could be canoe dogs, they could be Riddle Kitties.

Yeah, we have some participants. Yes.

Please don't say people, Adal. We've talked about this.

We have some participants who bought Hey Riddle Riddle merchandise. You can find that at our TeePublic store. Just go on TeePublic and search Hey Riddle Riddle. And they bought some merch and they posted a picture of them wearing it or just them opening it. A screenshot. Screenshots on Instagram or Twitter with the hashtag WiddleWare, Ware being spelled W-E-A-R. So we have Esther J. Sapita. Thank you so much. Andrew Halash, Hashlash. Thank you, Andrew. Knock Your Socks. Boy oh boy, thank you, Knock Your Socks. Claire underscore Clara. Zian Wing, thank you so much, Zian Wing. A Simple Sturgeon. Alex Does Science, thank you so much. These are all Twitter handles. Oh, I thought these were people's names, people's whole Christian names. Fiona Min Young, thank you so much. And we also have one very special, very, very special, Widdleware hashtagger. Can you let us know who that is, Erin?

I'm

I thought you were going to say she wore it when she faced time, she wore it to court, the judge sentenced her to 100 years of bad taste.

That's awesome. What color shirt did she get? Purple, I think.

That's good. I think we're trying to be, since our logo is purple, I think we've been trying to solidify that as our brand, purple, but I think some people don't want to wear purple, so that's fine.

She's an excellent lady. I love you, Mary Beth. I should probably call you Mom. I love you, Mom.

So tell me... I'd love to meet her. I'm going to say a name and I want you to tell me the emotion you correlate with that name. Great. Mary Beth Keef.

Oh, yeah. Great. Love.

Mitch.

Mother of God. Fucking Mitch. God damn it. Mitch, stop showing me pictures of your babies. I freaking get it. You've got a freaking cute baby that looks just like you. My sister basically gave birth to her husband.

The first one is your mom, and the first word that you used to describe Mitch was mother.

Motherfucker. No, Mitch, I love you too.

JPC, anything you want to plug or promote?

Yeah, you can follow me on Twitter at JPSofly. You can learn about my projects in my bio. You can follow me on Instagram at Shark Barkman if you want to learn about my spaghetti growing project. It's a project where I raise a dog until the police take the dog away. And you can, yeah, you can follow me on Twitch shows. I do Twitch stuff. It's all in my bio.

Follow me on Instagram at Erin Keif 10 and I'll post about my shows there.

Yeah, you can follow me at Adal Rifai on Instagram and Twitter. Also check out the Hey Riddle Riddle social media at HeyRiddleRiddle on Twitter. We're on Instagram, we're on Facebook, and send us emails if you have a riddle of your own, if you have a Only Connect puzzle for Erin to read.

Oh, if you have one of those in the title of it, say Only Connect and then Erin, just so they don't open it by accident.

Just so Erin will only open those emails. And if you just want to tell us something, you don't have to send us a riddle. A lot of people have been very kind and have started to just tell us how much they enjoy the show or what it's meant to them.

And a lot of people haven't done that yet. So we are waiting on a lot of listeners to chime in and tell us how good we are.

I want them to tell us what's happening in their bag of the books.

And also if you want to, listen to Follow Me by Uncle Cracker on Spotify. It was a song that I very much enjoyed for a time.

And actually, it was number one on the charts in a very weird place that you would never think of unless you're an astronaut. Erin, where was that place?

Jupiter.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

This has been Hey Riddle Riddle, created by Adal Rifai, starring Erin Keif, and John Patrick Coan. Katie Snyder did the editing, and Artie Perrin did the music. That was a HeadGum Podcast.