Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

Hey, welcome to Hey Riddle Riddle. I'm Adal Rifai.

I'm also Adal Rifai.

And I'm also Adal Rifai.

And we're three little Adals.

Now, Adal, you are a Gemini, correct?

That is correct. So that means you were born with a twin. Well, in twins, I am a Gemini, but I feel like three or four years ago, horoscope change. Oh, when they introduced the master horoscope. There's a major shift where Adolf Hitler introduced the master horoscope.

No, didn't they introduce a new category?

No, not a new category. What happened is they changed the dates of the horoscope, but it's only people who are born after that time. So it doesn't affect us. Your horoscopes are fine right where they are.

Wait, wait, wait, Erin. Time is on a straight line. Are you telling me we have to go back in time?

That's exactly what I'm saying.

Hey. Wow, man. Is that the going back and forth?

Everybody looked at me when I did the wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda wadda w

It's your kids. Erin, it's your kids.

Why is a dog talking to you, Erin?

Erin, it's me, Canoe Dog. We gotta go back.

It's your kids. No, but I mean, like, there's certain personality traits associated with each sign of the zodiac. So if you think... Gemini.

Duplicitous. Mark Duplicitous. Mark Duplicitous. Mumblecore bullshit.

Sagittarius. Shots fired. I think they're like super smart and fun. I don't know what Sagittarius are. Probably duplicitous as well.

I think my mom's a Sagittarius.

Cool, can we get her on the phone?

What's your mommy like?

Oh, real cool. Real nice, real cool.

Maribeth Keef?

Yes, Maribeth.

What about Scorpios? What are Scorpios?

Hot as hell. Well, they're honestly the sexual sign and we're really

Erin is saying this while she's crawling all over a couch.

I'm

So, congratulations Wink. Do you want to give a last name for Wink? Were you not super excited for previous episodes?

I've never been excited for an episode of this show.

That's like when you see somebody and you're like, you look so thin.

I record under duress. You forced me in here. Duplass. Duress Duplass, the third brother. Mumble mumble mumble. But no, I don't want to be here. I hate it here. I think this show sucks.

We're not recording in our normal studio. No.

Yes, that's correct.

We are, well there's chains being drug across the floor right now.

I really hope that picked up on the audio, because as soon as you said how do we describe this, it sounded like a body was being... So we're typically in the Cards Against Humanity space, which is incredible.

Yeah, and don't say where it is. I won't say where it's at. But now we're recording in the IO Theater Studio, which is very nice, but it's also underground. It's like a little bunker. It's like a blue velvet bunker.

Welcome to I used to rehearse in this basement, Wink.

Rehearse sex? Rehearse sex.

I used to practice kiss my pillow in this basement. I have to learn because the girls at school are so more advanced. It's true. They're all Scorpios. The team I coached would rehearse down here because we got kicked out of our normal rehearsal space. Guys, it doesn't matter. None of this matters.

It does matter that this looks like Liberace's bomb shelter.

Pretty good point. So yes, we're not in a normal space.

So the audio's going to be a little bit different.

The audio's going to be awful. I sound like a crab, Adal sounds like a ghost.

And I really want a taco.

We got a ghost, we got a crab, we got a taco, three best friends, Adal. We're the Beastie Boys. We're the Beastie Boys. Got a ghost, a crab, and a taco friend. Beastie Boys to the Beastie Men. I'm a Beastie Man.

So, my episode's going to be a little bit different because I have some different type of warm-up riddles. You're screaming. Yes, I know. I'm always screaming. And I'm going to ask you guys to tell me what you think the theme for the warm-up riddles is after we do them. I've got a return to some of the riddles that I've done before for the main riddles, and then I have a listener-submitted riddle that I am very excited about, and I will kind of leave it at that for now.

When you say you're going to return to some of your previous riddles, what does that mean?

I'm going to do all the riddles that I've already done on the show backwards.

Great. Household recycle.

I'm going back to a source that I've used before.

Source Magazine? You have a copy of Source Magazine open to Eric B. and Rakim.

That's unrelated. I would like to start off with a few warm-up riddles. I think I might give you these warm-up riddles kind of light and quick as well. Cool? Excellent.

I'm ready for a taco.

What do you call a dinosaur that is sleeping?

Snoresaurus. Dinosnore.

Dinosnore. Dinosnore is correct. What is fast, loud, and crunchy?

A taco going a million miles an hour. Fast, loud, and crunchy.

Fast, loud, and crunchy.

Someone eating cereal in a hurry.

Listeners, I want you to, wherever you're listening to this, close your eyes. Even if you're driving, I don't care. Close your eyes.

Okay, let me put it in a minute. If you're driving a plane, you can close your eyes.

And I want you to picture, right now, us three hosts, sitting around the mics, Erin is a taco, I'm a ghost, JPC's a crab, and we're just solving riddles. Also, we've never given ourselves a name. I feel like in the episode descriptions, I've called us the Clue Crew. Should we set that?

Yeah. Let's all agree that we hate that.

I like it a little bit because it sounds like we're little kids who solve mysteries.

So Clue Crew is one of them, and then the other option is that we call ourselves Taco Crab Ghost. Taco Crab Ghost?

Is Taco Crab Ghost... Yeah, because it makes sense to call me Taco because I wanted a taco one time. You know how I like the zeitgeists?

That's our nickname start. Have you never been to school?

You know how I like the zeitgeists? Like, little kids that solve mysteries is like a thing. Like, you know, the Hardy Boys. Like, little kids that solve mysteries. Why is there no such thing as little kids who are, like, murder for hire?

Like, you hire them to murder?

No cop would ever suspect a child of murder.

Eventually, you're going to get kid cops. That's going to lead to a kid judicial system, and pretty soon, kids are running the- adults, take it easy, kids are running the whole goddamn country.

I want to see a little kid prosecutor.

I want to see a little kid president.

Okay, well, while we think about what's fast and whatever, crunchy and dumbass, whatever your fucking terrible thing was. We haven't heard the answer yet. Why are you lifting him up?

Yeah, that's really untypical for this show.

Where were these support beams when I was being roasted? So, let's see. I want to see JPC as a kid murderer on trial.

Oh God!

Okay, cool. Meaning that you're a kid who murders, not someone who murders kids. That could be taken either way. Erin, did you want to be the judge? What do you want to be? A lawyer?

Little kiddie prosecutor. You're going to be a little kiddie prosecutor?

And I'll be a kid judge, or kudge. Is kudge a fun thing? No. Well, let's... Order, order! Everyone place your orders for what kind of tacos you want.

I want a juice box.

Juice box, what do you want? Barbacoa. Are you trying to say barbecue? Barbacoa. What kind of menu is barbacoa?

It's a motorboat. He's got a motorboat and I can prove it.

And we're set until proven guilty.

Young man, you've been accused of being a motorboat. What do you plead? My tits!

I can't pronounce my ows. I can't pronounce my ows. But I'm the best flossecutor this town has ever seen.

You don't have nothing on me. What do you got?

Oh, just the motor weapon.

Uh-oh. Spaghetti-o.

If it pleases the court, pizza party?

It's a living.

Yes, the answer is a rocket chip.

Why crunchy?

Chips are crunchy. Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert?

Wait, hold on. Oh, a rocket chip.

Yes, a rocket chip. Oh, God. Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert?

Because it's wedding was next week.

Lactose intolerant.

Those are both very good practical reasons, but we're looking for something a little more on the nose.

Teddy bear is getting married next week and is lactose intolerant.

Think about what's already inside the teddy bear.

Stuffing. It was stuffed.

What has ears but cannot hear?

Corn.

Yep, corn. What did the left eye say to the right eye?

I'm in TLC.

I can't see you. This is awful.

I'm going to burn down Andre Rison's house.

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?

A cold vampire. A campfire.

Alright, think snowman and vampire, not vampire and snowman.

Oh, super helpful, I got it. You see, you try and figure it out. Frosty the bite man.

Bite is close, bite is right. Frostbite! Yes, you got it exactly right with Frostbite.

Again, this is Hey Jokey Jokey, the podcast for little Laffy Taffy jokes.

What did one plate say to the other plate?

I'm finished.

Go fuck yourself. It's a living! Go fuck yourself, that's correct.

What did one plate say to the other plate? Can you believe we talk?

Oh, I got it. Be our guest. Be our guest. Put our service to the test. Like our dinners, you're a winner. If you ate less, you'd be thinner. You're a pig, little pig. Eat from trough, you little pig.

Turned into body shaving pretty quick. What did one plate say to the other plate, and the other plate, oh man, okay. What did one plate say to the other plate when they picked up the check?

That's pure, that's pure plattery. Instead of plattery, plattery.

Oh boy, yeah that's it. Dinner is on me.

Oh, fuck you.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Did you hear what Erin just said? Erin's having fun?

I'm still having fun, but fuck you.

Why did the student eat his homework?

Because Sooner Turned Into Monster.

Because he promised an entire podcast audience he'd eat the paper and drink the pen.

Again, if we ever have live shows, which we will, Erin will eat paper and drink a pen. And I'll drink the pen. The student was a dog. It was dog school. A dog ate homework.

No, the teacher told him it was a piece of cake.

Somebody help.

Stop me. Somebody stop him.

What is brown, hairy, and wears sunglasses? A coconut on vacation. And those are jokes for kids.

You know that we are in the home of long-form improvisation. How dare you?

The theme for today's warm-up riddles were jokes for kids.

You have besmirched this Liberace bunker.

Do you guys want to hear my favorite joke when I was a little kid? Two muffins are in the oven, and one muffin turns to the other and says, man, is it hot in here? And the other muffin says, ah, a talking muffin. That's an excellent joke. I love that joke.

Dylan, what do you call cheese that's not your own?

Nacho cheese.

Thank you. Does that joke end with you saying thank you?

Thank you. My favorite joke from when I was a kid was, hey mom, where's dad?

Let's do some.

No, no, no, Erin. Let's let Adal have his big day.

I just didn't know.

You just didn't know where he was, huh? Yeah, because he took off.

One day, I said, he's going to grab some milk, but we lived in a milk factory. That didn't make sense. I said, Dad.

Oh, yeah. I remember my dad went out for cigarettes, and I was like, Dad, we live in a cigarette factory. We get them wholesale. We cut out the middleman, Dad. Yeah, but he never came back, so you're a victory, Dad.

But, you know what they always say about dads. Baba don't duke. I'm in trouble deep. Baba don't duke. And I'm keeping my duke. Riddles. Oh, it's a good podcast. It's a podcast about riddles. Baba duke, duke, duke, baba duke.

We keep telling you, we do not want to be in your acapella band.

a riddle. the show.

The Nightingale a cappella, St. Mary's College. If you go there, does that still exist?

So yeah, if you go to St. Mary's College and tweet at us and let us know if that a cappella still exists.

If you're in the Nightingales, give us a shout. Harmonize us a shout.

I remember they had a CD of it and I listened to it so much, just like a college improv group doing the, I walked across empty land. I was obsessed with it.

So you listened to CDs? In a previous episode I mentioned CDs and you said I was old as hell.

I was born in 2003.

What were you saying?

I was just talking about how I was born in 2009. I listened to a CD, but it was a burned CD.

I'm 15 years old. So we are going back for some of our riddles. We're going back. JBC! JBC!

Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Rid

You're riddled. They're in trouble.

They're terrible. We're returning to a well that we've dug before.

Is it the well that all those bodies got dropped down into?

This is going back to a book that was published in 1981. It is called Nathan Levi's Stories with Holes, Volume 1. Now this was given, Adal, to you by a fan, correct?

This was given to us by a gentleman at a Magic Tavern live show who gave me a Ziploc bag full of five books. I had my assistant open the bag as I did not trust the air inside or the contents within.

I'm his assistant.

I made Erin put the Ziploc bag over her head to make sure that it was safe.

You have Erin take a bite out of each one of your tacos before consuming the rest of the taco?

People are trying to poison Adal.

Anytime I have food, Erin will taste my food.

Oh yeah, this definitely tastes like poison. Chomp, chomp, chomp.

Yeah, so thank you to that good sir who dropped off those books for us.

Yes, if you dropped off these books, tweet us the secret code that we said to you when you dropped off the books.

Here's what we'll say. The person who gave us those books, the first live show we do of Hey Riddle Riddle, which will hopefully happen before the end of the year, or at least the end of next year, or this century.

It'll happen before the end of 2020. Your paper will be the first paper that Erin eats.

First and last, because I'll probably have to go right to the hospital.

Yes, Erin goes to the hospital after the first time she eats the paper, but she will still eat the paper and drink the pen.

So quick, just so quick, I just need to see this scene where JPC, you're a doctor at the ER, and Erin, you've come in to the ER because you've just, on your own volition, eaten a piece of paper.

Did she drink the pen?

And she also drank a pen.

Uh, excuse me? I'm sorry. I'm a doctor here? Yes.

Well, you probably recognize me. I'm in here a lot.

Okay.

A little bit accent-prone. This time, I think it's on me.

Okay, tell me what's going on and I can help. Look, I'm a doctor. I just spent the last three hours pulling a light bulb out of a man's ass. And then I clocked in for work.

So... My ears are burning!

Hold on, my husband's on speakerphone. Christian!

I heard you mention the light bulb.

Yes, I'm talking to a patient. I'll be home soon.

My ears are burning and so is my asshole.

Christian, you put it back in? We just got it out.

Somehow it turns on when it's in my ass and it burns.

Look, I don't have time for your puzzles right now, okay? I'll be home soon. Click. The movie Click. Do you want a copy?

I want a copy of Click.

I ate a bunch of paper and I drank a bunch of pens. Okay, that's very serious.

Because I'm a serious comedian.

Okay. My cousin was a comedian as well, so I understand a goof and a gag. You ate a bunch of papers and you drank a bunch of pins.

Did the light bulb light up?

What's that?

Did the light bulb light up? Ask her if she ate the paper because her teacher said it was a piece of cake.

Christian, I fall more in love with you every day.

Oh man, KG and I made eye contact during that and just felt so sorry for you.

Anyway, Nathan Levi's Stories with Holes, Volume 1. This says it's a collection of open-ended stories for conduction, inquiry, no, inquiry, training, no, in the classroom. We've read many of these before, and a lot of them involve death and suicide, which are totally not appropriate for the classroom, so I wonder what the fuck was going on in 1981. Yeah, you're not no fun. Yeah, I would be a lame-ass teacher. But if you remember the way that you play with these, is that you can ask me yes or no questions.

JPC held up a book and said, if you remember the way you play with these...

The way you play with books, you can ask books questions like, when will dad come home? And why do I live in a cigarette factory?

Hey look, it's a hardback tent.

But yes, you can ask me old man puzzles, yes or no questions, and I will give you yes or no answers in order to sleuth and deduce the truth.

Sleuth and deduce is a pretty good phrase.

Yeah, we're gonna try to sleuth and deduce tonight. Ooh, say that ten times fast.

Sleuth and deduce.

Can't even do the one. Because I'm always merch forward thinking. I'm always merch thinking. We should have a shirt that says, the sleuth is loose. Remember, like the juice is loose, like Gushers? We should have one that says the sleuth is loose. Erin, for those who can't see, Erin and JPC left the studio.

Hey Adal, do you love Dead Silence? Because I don't know why you ask for it so much.

He wants to marry Dead Silence.

I got an invitation to their wedding. I want to marry Dead Silence.

And do you, Dead Silence, take Adal as your husband?

Crickets, crickets. Sorry, my wife loves cricket. She's British.

Okay, alright, ready for the riddle? I'm having so much fun. Yes or no questions.

What the fuck? This is a riddle. Oh. Oh, I got the answer.

Oh, you got it? You know the answer? Yes, I would love to read it again. Ah, what have I done? Yelled the woman as the phone rang.

Here's what happened. Okay. She was at the hotel bar.

So just so you know, Adal, the way that you would solve these riddles is asking me yes or no questions or saying here's what happened.

I have a full solution. That's what I'm saying. Here's what happened. All right, bring the full solution. She was at the hotel bar last night. She was staying at a Hyatt Regency in Sedona.

I've been to a Hyatt Regency in Sedona.

This is like when I played your uncle and it turned out everything I said was factual. And I don't know anything about your uncle, but I've laid him bare. So she's staying at this Hyatt the night before. Guy walks up to her at the bar and gives her a pickup line. Comes up to her, gives her his hotel key, and says, hey, in the morning, I'm making waffles. She takes the hotel key, writes her number on it, passes it back to him. The next day she wakes up with a hangover, Hey Riddle Riddle

No, so you write your room number on the key. If you write your phone number on the key, the key is worthless.

Why aren't we just moving on? I solved this case. So she's in her home.

Yes. She's drinking a nice red wine. Ooh, what kind? Ooh, the kind that's good. Malbec.

Malbec? Uh, it's not Malbec.

Okay, hold on. So she's drinking that red wine. Uh huh. She's watching.

What kind? Malbec. No, it's not Malbec. I don't know. It's gotta be a blend. You don't know any other red wines except Malbec?

I like white wine. I don't like wine, but I'd press you to know a neighborhood.

Okay, so those are both so wrong, but if you do continue guessing without asking questions... A woman is in love with a man.

He said that he's going to propose with a wedding ring. She says, okay. She's at home. The phone rings. It's his proposal. He took a wedding ring to mean something else. And she's like, oh God, what have I done to agree to a guy who thinks a wedding ring is when you call someone on a phone. Case closed. Goodbye forever.

My first yes or no question.

Okay. That was insane, but I loved it. Is she the reason why the phone rang?

Is an action of hers the reason why the phone rang?

I will say no.

If the ghost of a crab eats a taco, is it sated?

No. Ghosts can't be sated. Not by that.

Is the person on the phone someone she loves or someone who's dangerous?

Oh, can you ask me two separate questions?

Is the person on the phone someone she loves?

Yes.

Is she regretting something?

Yes. I mean, yes. Oh, no. Oh, what have I done is one of the only pieces of information that you have. Good, good, good.

Is she regretting something? Good, good. Worth it. Worth it. Is she fearful for her life? Yes. Is she fearful for her life from the person who's calling? No.

Someone, yeah, then I'm close. There's someone in her house.

No. Is the person she's fearful of, is she afraid of them hearing the phone ring?

I never said that she was fearful of a person. I said she was fearful for her life.

Is the person who's calling giving her bad news about a medical condition?

No. It's the ringing that is the problem.

Yes. Well, no. The ringing's not the problem.

In the Queen song, Another One Bites the Dust, are they saying, not a doctor or not adopted?

They're saying, not a doctor.

Not a doctor!

Is this an actual riddle?

No, this is stupid, and it's impossible. And the riddle set up is, oh, what have I done? Yelled the woman as the phone rang. So this is not good. So let's divest ourselves from that possibility.

I want to continue with yes and no question, but these are for JPC. OK. Oh, shit. I forgot you could do this. Were you forced to read this riddle? Yes.

I think I'm talented.

Yes.

Would you be my dad?

Would I be your dad? Yeah, I'd be in a fight. I have a real question.

Yes. Is she in a home?

Yes.

Is she in her home? Yes. Is she in a mental home? No.

Is she in a physically compromising position?

When the phone rings? Yes. Is this a Gerald's Game situation?

I've never seen it. I assume yes.

Is she in the tub?

No. Is she outside of the tub?

Well, yeah, if you're not in the tub, you're technically outside.

Answer the question. Yes. Is she in a kitchen? No. Is she in a bedroom? No. Is she in a living room? No. Is she in the basement? No. Is she in the bedroom? No. Is she in an attic? No. Is she on the roof? No. Is she in the playroom? No. Trampoline room? Mm-mm. Fun room? No, no, no. Wine cellar?

Ask me if she's in the house.

Is she in the house? No. Oh, she's outside the house. Yes. But you said she's in her home. She's in our dollhouse. She's a doll. No, she's not a doll. She's in her home, but she's not in her house.

When the phone rings, she's outside the house.

When the phone rings, she's outside the house.

So she's locked out.

She's on her porch. No. She's on a... She's the one making the call. No. The call's coming from outside the house. Yes. Oh, it's the 80s. This is from the 80s.

This is from the 80s. The call is coming from outside the house. Maybe think about where she lives.

She lives in a cul-de-sac. No.

No.

She lives ... Apartment. Yes. She lives in an apartment.

I'm on the outside. Yes.

I'm on the outside.

Hey Riddle Riddle

I wonder if anyone at home even is remotely close to this right now.

Oh, oh, shit, shit, shit, guys, real quick. Open your eyes back up.

Who's flying this plane?

I have to wait till they tell me.

I have to wait for... Okay.

Adal, do you give up as well? Yeah.

Okay, let me give you a clue then. She's outside of her home. Her home is an apartment, and she lives on the 20th floor.

Oh, she's poor.

It's a window-washing thing.

No. She's floating. She's a ghost. No. She's looking in the window at her dead body.

She's not floating.

No. She's on stilts. No. She's pulling a John Belushi in an animal house. No.

Balloon.

No. Panty raid. Is it a panty raid?

It's a panty raid. Okay, so the riddle was it's a panty raid, because it's from the 80s. Are you ready for this solution? I'm ready, yeah. Okay, answer. By the way, the name of this riddle is Important Phone Call. Answer. The woman, lonely and despondent, had sat by her phone for months, hoping for a friendly call, but never receiving even one. Finally, out of despair, she jumped out of her 20th story apartment window, just as the phone rang.

So she said, oh no, what have I done, as she was plummeting 20 stories?

Yelled the woman as the phone rang.

I need video of this.

You gave this up to us when you said suicide and murder.

Oh, yeah. These riddles are all horrible, and they're ostensibly for children. So that's a riddle that you would tell a child. You would want a child to land on that eventuality.

You don't want to say land on that when you're talking about that in specific. That's basically the opening of Magnolia, right?

Oh, wait, wait, no. The opening of Magnolia?

In the opening of the movie Magnolia, a woman jumps out of the window to kill herself, but at the same time, somebody across the hall is firing a shotgun, and it goes through the window and kills the woman who jumped, right?

And she lands on a safety net that was installed like two days earlier, yeah. Yeah, and then it starts raining frogs. Yeah, that's later in the movie.

That was my favorite movie in high school. And then Amy Mann starts to sing about... Yeah, Wise Up. Whoa.

No, she sings a song about wising up.

Wising up.

I used to show that movie to people and they said, yeah, this is three and a half hours. Why did you show me this fucking movie? And I said, because it's my favorite. I wanted to share a piece of myself.

Tom Cruise's long hair.

What you are is dirty and bad. Yeah, he won a fucking Oscar for that movie. Oh boy, I do love Magnolia. Go watch it. We just spoiled it.

It's great. It's a very good movie. Very good movie.

Oh god, Magnolia is a very good movie and we'll be right back after a little break.

Hey Erin, you're a pretty unique person, would you agree?

Yeah, I'm pretty and unique.

You're unique.

Okay.

Or are you nitty? Yeah. What do you sleep on?

Sometimes it's just like a bunch of newspapers stacked on top of each other of like when I've been in the news. And sometimes it's JPC. That's a pretty thin file of newspapers.

Local girl falls downstairs. What? I said local girl falls downstairs. Does it on purpose. Goes to jail. Well Erin, because of your unique pretty makeup, I don't know how to phrase this, you should be sleeping on the Helix mattress that JPC and I got you.

Yeah, yeah, I mean we know that sometimes people have been like, don't sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, but they mean don't side sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, don't hot sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, because we know that everybody sleeps different. Well, the Helix Sleep Mattress is designed for people who sleep in a variety of different ways.

And you can take a quiz. And it's not the type of quiz that you can fail, so don't worry about that. I worry about that. But it's just a quiz to get to know what kind of sleeper you are.

You took the Helix Sleep quiz, Erin, and you got a don't sleep, right?

The first F ever.

You can find that quiz at helixsleep.com slash riddle. It only takes two minutes, and it's going to match your specific makeup to a mattress that's right for you.

Yeah, that's why they call it Helix Sleep, because it relies on double helix, so you just enter your DNA into the quiz, and then it tells you what kind of mattress is your soulmate, basically.

And it tells you what kind of mattresses your ancestors slept on. I mean, you'll see that in your dreams.

Yeah, that'll be something thatthey don't promise that, but that is something that comes in most people's dreams.

And they have a 10-year warranty, and you get to try it for 100 nights, risk-free.

They have a 10-year warranty?

Warren G. Yeah, 10-year Warren G. And 100 nights risk-free.

There is a little loophole here because they say 100 nights, but you also get the 100 days as well.

Oh, do you?

So you can sleep in the mattress 24 hours a day for 100 days.

And for me specifically, for Adal Rifai, those are Arabian days and Arabian nights. That's true. All 100.

And that's not something any of the rest of us feel comfortable saying.

And if you sleep next to a partner, half the mattress can be for you and the other half of the mattress could be for your partner.

Or, you know, you could do three quarters. Just with sprawl, with arms and legs. But right now Helix is offering up to $125 off all mattress orders. That's $125 off. To get your $125 off at helixsleep.com slash riddle. That's helixsleep.com slash riddle for up to $125 off your mattress order. Don't sleep on this deal. That's not theirs. That's mine.

I guess the way I sleep is I clutch a pillow and I kiss it.

Yeah, I do the same thing but the pillow's in between my legs.

How I sleep is, you know when you get someone in that like choke hold, like with your leg?

Oh, like Xena did for James Bond in that movie?

Yeah, that's what my blankets do to me.

That's HelixSleep.com slash Riddle. Of course on the pillow I write, not a pillow. So when I kiss it, it makes sense.

Naturally, you're pretty unique.

HelixSleep.com. Slash Riddle!

And we're back with the riddles again.

Back with the riddles again. Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up.

Alright, this riddle is called Murder in Public. A murder was committed before thousands of people, but all of them thought it was an accident.

That's really all we get? That's all you get.

Okay, big public place.

Yes.

Banana peel.

Is that a question?

No. That brings us to a full stop.

You're listening to a full stop.

Dead stop.

I am a genius and I picked a perfect solution.

So okay, you said banana peel.

Your Honor, someone was murdered in front of thousands of people. I don't know. Your Honor, banana peel.

But it is a murder. So a murder was committed before thousands of people, but all of them thought it was an accident.

I know the answer.

Eggplant?

Eggplant, banana. I know the answer. Picture, if you will, Texas. Zoom in to San Antonio. Should I close my eyes? No. Eyes open.

How am I supposed to picture Texas? I'm in a deli.

We zoom into San Antonio. Haunted house. Big haunted house. I was just in San Antonio. Are you serious? Yes.

A week ago I was in San Antonio.

I am JPC. So there's a haunted house. Thousands of people go through the haunted house. Murderer kills someone in a haunted house. People walk by, think it's part of a haunted house. Say, ooh, look at those special effects, guts and brains. Hours go by. Thousands of people view. Was there an object that wasn't a weapon used in this murder?

Yes, but I don't think that's a super helpful one.

Repeat the full riddle. Uh, public execution. No. And the guy tripped on a banana peel. No. Yes. Wait. And hit the lever. Yes, and you're smart. Sorry, Aaron. I'm sorry for his bullshit. It's just the confidence in which I put... Uh, no. No, that's the answer to that. Aaron's aging rapidly. What cup did you drink from? No, I'm not.

I'm hot as hell. I'm so hot.

Yeah, if anyone's aging rapidly, it's...

You know when you listen to pop music?

Hey, boys, get in here. You know when you listen to podcasts? You know when you listen to podcasts and you imagine what they look like?

Podcasts? Yeah. Or the hosts?

The hosts. Can you imagine what the hosts look like? All I want you to do is imagine me hot as hell.

Never getting older, not going there, I'm going there. My next question is...

Welcome back.

That's how I planned to go. This book was written in the 80s, so Bobby Kennedy had just been shot. So here's what it was. It was a public event, like a speech or something, and a sniper shot the person, but while he pulled the trigger, he said, whoops.

Adal, you haven't done this right yet.

Bobby Kennedy's name, out your mouth.

I did, I got it out by saying it.

So at Christmas at your house this year, it is November.

No, no, no. You've discovered time travel, haven't you? We have to go back.

Erin, it's your presents. So last Christmas, all of my cousins and I were playing board games, and then we just heard from the other room my uncle, Judd Smoot, yell, Ted Kennedy killed that girl, and then leave the party. And then my aunt, who has a very thick Boston accent, went, John, you always do this! It's the funniest thing I've ever heard. John, you always do this! And I walked in and my aunt was like, Erin, it was an accident. So, he was driving with this girl and he didn't kill her.

Yeah, Ted Kennedy killed that girl.

Okay, cool. I have a question.

Yes, question.

Oh, I have a guess. Yes. Is it one of those things where, you know when someone puts an apple on their head, and then someone throws a knife?

Interesting.

So it's supposed to be like a party trick, and they show it going.

It's not that, Erin, but you're very close.

It's William Tell.

No.

Okay, is it some sort of like, it's a public performance or something?

Yes.

Oh, it's circus. It's a circus act. So it's a high wire, what do you call that, trapeze? Trapeze, yes. Is it trapeze? Yes.

I'm

So we got it down to trapeze, which is, my mind is blown that we're even circling the target. Does it have to do with the string?

So the partner, the trapeze partner, was the killer?

Yes, but not like another trapeze artist. Who else would a trapeze artist work with? Dogs, children. Never work with dogs or children. Your partner. Jimmy Stewart. Never give money to dogs or children.

Ted Kennedy killed that girl.

Chepa quit it.

You guys want the answer?

Yes.

You're so close. A trapeze artist

Trapezed? Is that past tense?

Trapezed. Yeah, he's dead. A trapeze artist who took his cues from the organist for when to start, reach, and land fell to his death. The organist had purposefully changed the tempo in mid-act so as to throw him off.

Oh, we have to see a scene.

Okay, so, Erin, you are- Let me do it.

Oh, please, please.

I'm an old man roller who gives a fucking shit about me.

JPC, I'm about to give you the character- The role of a lifetime?

Bombset.

I'm in. Good morning, Bernie. Good morning. This is Kevin. I trust that tonight you'll be playing with your organ. I'm so rich. So rich and so well hung.

What's the difference between me and the Mona Lisa? I don't know. I'm better hung. Huh. Does that make sense? You ever been to the Louvre?

You know, I gave you my hotel key last night and I wrote my phone number on it.

Yeah, and I regret that terribly.

Regret it terribly. Well, I just fell asleep and you never called and you never... Five minutes, everybody.

Five minutes. A very circus five minutes.

Thank you, ringmaster.

Do you ever feel like the ringmaster is just always on? Oh yes, but it's cocaine. You really? Yes, oh yes. Can I ask you something?

I saw her doing a bump of it.

Oh!

Yes.

Dear oh dear oh my. Can I ask you something? I want you to speak freely even though I'm the main attraction and you're a lowly organist. Okay. Do you think Ted Kennedy killed that girl?

Five minutes, five minutes. Did I already come in here? Five minutes.

Yes, ringmaster.

Your nose is bleeding. Bleeding profusely. Well, enjoy the show tonight.

I hope you really reach for the trapeze. You were reading that off of a parchment.

Furl, furl, furl. Yes, I got a decree from the king of town just now. I was reading something unrelated.

Hey, we're friends, right? I shit all over you, but we're friends, right? Well, if you say so.

Five minutes, five minutes. We're only on five minutes.

Susie, you have a problem. You need help. Let us help you.

We love you.

Oh, Ted Kennedy killed that girl. He must have, right?

And Christopher Walken killed that girl.

What was her name?

Julie Bowen.

We'll cut that out. Wait, why? We'll leave it in.

Is this the mom from Modern Family? She's still alive?

Did she die recently? I just know her as the aunt from Dawson's Creek. She played Dawson's aunt for one episode.

I just know the dog's name was Simon and I loved that dog named Simon.

Let's do this.

One hundred people were traveling down the Amazon River on a flatboat when the boat and calm water capsized and all were drowned.

What's Did you know that hippos are so big- Alf was just talking without listening.

I said yes to him and he moved right back.

Let me backtrack. I said hippos. No. Dolphins. Dolphins? No. Anaconda. Yes. Anaconda. Yes. So, hold on. The hundred people on the boats had buns, son, cause my anaconda don't want none unless you got-

Wait, so they did have the buns so the anaconda did want some?

Wait, oh shit, the anaconda did want some. That's a dead stop. No, it's not.

She told your ass. You cashed that check at the bank, my man.

So an anaconda was driving the boat and said, time to capsize.

Time to capsize the boat. Time to capsize the boat. No more people on this boat.

Yes, correct. So far, Erin has got it exactly correct. I will let Adal flounder for a little bit. No.

Oh, so flounder. Did you know that flounders have two eyes on one side of their face?

Oh, I know.

The eyes have it.

The anaconda got in the boat, everyone started screaming, and then ran to the other side of the boat and capsized.

I'm going to give it to you. Yeah, that's it. So answer, it doesn't say exactly anaconda, but it says, a huge snake was sighted hanging over the river from a free branch. The passengers panicked and all of them ran to one side to get away, capsizing the boat.

And that's why we get the band, Panic on the Flatboat.

What do we think?

You panic on the flatboat?

You were silent for like a minute. You know that popular emo band, Panic at the Flatboat? Hey, real quick.

I walked in with the, how did the snake ever get here?

Haven't you ever heard of closing a goddamn flatboat? I want to see a scene real quick where you're both anacondas. OK. And Erin is about to leave the rainforest to try and pose as a human boat captain. And she's practicing how she'll sound and how she'll talk to fit in, to blend in with society. And you're her friend or maybe a relative who's coaching her through that or giving feedback. Here we go.

So anyway, I said, Voldemort, you bring your dumb ass down here and you tell me what's a Nagini.

Kevin, I'm going to miss you so much.

I'm going to miss you too, Susie.

What do you think of my fake mustache?

Okay, so this is what you're going with. Okay, uh, yeah, uh.

In the black tie attire?

We're friends. We're friends, right?

I think, I'd say we're best friends. Okay.

You're not calling me your best friend. We're best friends.

Ten minutes. Ten minutes until the anaconda has to be on the boat.

Uh, well, he knows that you're an anaconda. So, the disguise is not great. Also, what are you going for here?

Sabotage. You're sabotaging me because you don't want me to go.

No, Susie, hey, that's not true.

No, you are.

I'm happy we're getting a divorce. No, this is what happens. It's what's best for us.

I'm

Susie, I don't understand the world you want to live in anymore. I'm a snake from the jungle. Okay, I just want to be a jungle snake and you, you want to be a person.

I don't know and I don't want to know. Susie, hey, I hope you're happy and I hope one day you look back at the time we spent together fondly.

Hey Pumbaa?

Hey Pumbaa? Pumbaa? Timon, hey Timon, Pumbaa, this is actually, this is actually a private moment between me and my wife. My wife is leaving forever. I'm gonna eat every last one of you motherfucking warthogs. Okay, this is a stupid one.

It's called... Wait, what were the previous ones?

It's called A Disastrous Party. A famous scientist was awarded a government prize for his invention of a new weapon. He decided to invite a number of his friends into a party in his laboratory. For entertainment, he provided a juggler, an opera soprano, and a ballet dancer. At the height of the evening, all present were suddenly and mysteriously killed. So, famous scientist, awarded a government prize for his invention of a new weapon, decides to invite a number of friends to a party in his laboratory. For entertainment, he provided a juggler, an opera soprano, and a ballet dancer. At the height of the evening, all present were suddenly mysteriously killed.

First of all, I'm a fucking genius because I figured this out right away. No shit. Okay, so when the opera singer sings, she sings too high of a note. The Juggler's a Juggalo starts spraying Fanta all over the place. The floor gets sticky. Banana peel. Answer. The Soprano

Can you believe that I got that? That's amazing.

I want to make sure that we don't give you full credit because you didn't guess that when the opera singer sang that note, the Muppet Beaker exploded.

What's it do, what's it do, what's it do, what's it do? I want to keep doing this podcast because it's doing very well, but I don't want to spend another second with him.

Kind of fun, right? Picturing the Muppet Beaker, opera singer starts singing, like Miss Piggy sings and then Beaker explodes because she hits too high of a note. Oh no.

Yeah, the famous scientist was Godzo. This is Muppets Destroy Manhattan.

Muppets take a laboratory. Never seen it. Erin and I took like an eight hour train ride one time. Maybe it was four hours. But you told me your favorite movie was, or maybe you don't want to have it be, I won't say anything more.

Oh, yeah. We were talking about Manhattan Murder Mystery? Yeah. Yeah, my family watched a lot of that movie growing up. But my all-time favorite comedy, I honestly think, is The Great Muppet Caper. Have you seen it?

It's

One time I showed a girl that I liked Paul Thomas Anderson's Magnolia and about 90 minutes in she said, can we please turn this off?

And that girl's your wife?

Well, yeah, she's somebody's wife. Oh boy, that was devastating to me at the time. I really tried to share a piece of myself in a movie that I very much enjoyed. She was not interested in watching it.

What is something that you've shown to someone that you're trying to impress and then they don't end up liking? I'm

I'm

I've never seen Newsies. What's like the, it's like little kids selling papers?

Yeah, it's like turn-of-the-century children, uh, orphans selling papers. Christian Bale.

That sounds like boyfriend bait, girl.

Their friends are like, hmmm?

Uh, someone's laying down boyfriend bait because I smell newspaper.

I love that movie so much.

If I was a boy and you were playing that, I'd say, hi-ya!

Hi-ya! I really like the show Firefly, and I have shown people Firefly before, like romantic partners, and they were like, oh, yeah, I mean, like, I guess. And I'm like, oh, boy.

I feel like I showed someone Little Shop of Horrors, the Rick Moranis version, which is like my favorite thing ever. And Ellen Green is my favorite singer, and they didn't care for it. Yeah. They were like, oh, this is kind of slow and boring. And I was like, this is the best. Does somebody in Newsies say, extra, extra?

No, but the best part of that movie is when Christian Bale goes, Nubbin' with all the muckity mucks, I'm blowin' my dough and goin' deluxe. That's a real line.

He's blowing his dough?

And going deluxe.

No, blowing his load.

Nubbin' with all the muckity mucks, I'm blowin' my load and goin' deluxe.

I'll tell you right now, guys. If you're blowing your load and muckity muck is coming out, see a doctor. Oh, that's so good. So this is a listener submitted riddle. The title of this is Old English Riddles.

Hold on, KJ, can we get some tapestries? Can you whip up some tapestries?

I don't know old English, I think I know some middle English, because I know I had to learn in high school the prologue to Canterbury Tales, the one that opera with a shorter soto, the draft of March hath passed into the rota, and bothered every von, and switched the court of which for two, and gingered at the floor.

Alright, put it away.

Also, you could have said anything, and we'd have, like... Yeah, that's true, it's, uh, so... To Butcher, to Bigger, to Kid, to Zig, to Bigger... So this is from a person named Stacy, um, their, uh, her fianc, Chris, uh, really love Hello From the Magic Tavern, which we don't give a fuck about that, and Hey Riddle Riddle, which is awesome, um... All I gotta say is that we don't give a fuck about that. But she sent in five riddles from something called the Exeter book. It's old English. She sent it in a Word document. I'm going to talk a little bit about this because I think it's so interesting. Talk a little bit about it? Yeah, talk a little bit about this. Anglo-Saxon riddles are never straightforward. They often involve looking at everyday things from very specific frames of reference. There's a lot of battle imagery and heroic imagery ascribed to very simple things. You will see an example of this below. Since Anglo-Saxon society was predominantly Catholic, sorry Adal you won't get this, you'll see a lot of religious imagery as well, blah blah blah. Our biggest source of Anglo-Saxon riddles comes from the Exeter book, written around 975. The Exeter book is the largest surviving collection of Anglo-Saxon poetry in the world.

For listeners who can't see, in the studio JPC has a giant book that just says boring history.

So this is boring history, but these are riddles that I think will be very fun to at least read.

Well, since Stacy's such a big fan of Magic Tavern, I will answer this as my character, Chunt the Badger. So let me get into character.

Um, hello there. This is Chunt. Hi. This is Chunt the Badger here. Why are there so many songs about... Finish the whole thing.

Alright, so are you ready for this? I am a wonderful thing, a joy to women, to neighbors useful. I injure no one, I stand up high and steep over the bed. Underneath I am shaggy. Sometimes ventures a young and handsome peasant's daughter, a maiden proud to lay hold on me. She seizes me, red, plunders my head, fixes on me fast, feels straight away what meeting me means. When she thus approaches, a curly-haired woman, wet is that eye.

on the show.

She seizes me red, plunders my head.

She seizes me red.

Fixes on me fast, feels straight away what meeting me means. Lipstick. When she thus approaches a curly-haired woman, wet is that eye. Damn. I think the biggest clue here is wet is that eye. Pink eye. What makes your eyes wet?

Crying.

Yeah, so what else would make you cry that's not like emotional, like an object?

That's sex so good.

An object that'll make you cry.

Yeah. Sad movie. A ring. Requiem for a Dream.

I stand up high and steep over the bed. Underneath, I'm shaggy. The answer is onion. A ripe onion is being pulled from the ground by a female cook.

When the onion is cut, her eyes get watery. I couldn't even tell that she was outdoors.

Okay, ready?

There's number two.

No, I'm not ready. Shut up. This is another old English riddle. Splendidly it hangs by a man's thigh, under the master's cloak, and front as a whole, it is stiff and hard.

It has a goodly- Cock, big ol' cock. It's a cock or dong.

It's a dong. It has a goodly place when the young man, his own garment lifts over his knee. He wishes to visit with the head of what hangs, the familiar hole he had only filled with its equal length.

I have heard of something wax in a corner, swell and pop.

Lift up the covers, a proud-minded woman seized with her hands that boneless thing. A prince's daughter covered with her dress the swelling thing.

Wayne, Wayne and Garth, party on. No. Party on Wayne. Swing. Swing set.

It's a swing set. One more time, one more time. Don't say cock in the middle of this. Cockerdong. I have heard of something. Wax in a corner. Swell and pop. Lift up the covers. A proud-minded woman seized with her hands that boneless thing. A prince's daughter covered with her dress the swelling thing.

Boneless thing gave it away. Chicken tenders. It's chicken tenders.

Water. Fire.

The answer?

Old-timey chicken tenders. Tell me.

The answer is dough. The pun here is the word wax. There's the substance in the verb which highlights the increasing size of the dough as it rises.

I don't think old English people knew what puns were.

No, they exclusively knew what puns were.

Hey, is that bread almost done? It was like wax. Hey Scoob. Like, Scoob, it wasn't me! Like, I saw her banging on the bathroom floor! Like, Scoob, you're my angel! Like, it wasn't me!

Yes, we're doing 15 more.

See, I was being shaggy, singing shaggy. That's a pun.

Okay. A youth came along to where he knew she stood in a corner. Dab on Fortnite Grave. Worth... Christ. A youth came along to where he knew she stood in a corner. Forth he strode, a vigorous young man, lifted up her own dress with his hands.

There's so much lifting of garments.

Thrust under her girdle something stiff as she stood there, worked his will, both of them shook. A thane hurried up, youthful at times, a capable servant. Nonetheless, he grew tired from time to time. Though strong at first, weary with work, beneath the girdle there began to grow what often good men love heartily and buy with money.

I don't want to be uncouth, it's a cock dong.

Welcome back everyone. A youth came along to where he knew she stood in a corner.

Fourth he strode a vigorous young man, lifted up her own dress with his hands, thrust under her girdle something stiff.

As she stood there, worked his will. Both of them shook. A thane hurried up, useful at times, a capable servant. Nonetheless, he grew tired from time to time, though strong at first, weary with work. Beneath the girdle there began to grow what often good men love heartily and buy with money.

Listen, I've been to an Amish farm. When the Amish churn the butter, the butter churn stands in the corner with a little dress on. Amish man come up, lift up the dress. He gonna put his fingers underneath there. He gonna work that furrow.

Old English nouns have genders. So the word churn is feminine. Here a man is churning tasty butter for market. Also to note, a thane is a servant or retainer for the aristocracy. So Adal, if we were back then, you would be my thane.

Aww.

That's On my back there is hair, so it's me, and the same on my cheeks. Over my eyes two ears stand up. I walk on my toes in the green grass. My doom is certain if anyone finds me, if a slaughterhouse fighter finds me hidden where I make my home. Bold with my bairns, and there I abide with my little family when the stranger comes to my very doors. Oh, stop. Please stop. Groundhog.

It's a rat. Go for it. It's a horse. Mole. It's a mole. Rat.

If the hateful foe follows me hard through the narrow trap, he shall have no lack of clash of battle when we meet in the burrow. When I get to the top of the hill and turn on him with weapons of war whom I formerly fled from. Adal, you are the only one who will be able to get this. Badger. It is Badger. There's a lot of good heroic imagery in this one. A badger is being hunted and bravely fights the hunting dogs to protect the cubs. The bairn mentioned near the top.

Bairns.

Bairns are like badger cubs, I guess?

Bairn.

Anyway, I love those. Those are old English riddles. It just goes to show you guys, these riddles are as old as time, which means our podcast would have done so well a thousand years ago.

We would have been in so many courts, brought in to entertain the kings and queens, the kings and quans. Wait, what are badger cubs called? Bairns, I believe? What if we started calling you Baron Keif and you're a little badger cub?

Barenstein Barens?

Barenstein Barens. Let's call you Baron Keif. But my idea is still going. I'm still talking about my idea and then we moved on. What if we call you Baron Keif and you're a little badger cub?

Can we call me Sharon Keif?

If we're calling you any Sharon, it's going to be Sharon Stone. Because you are on that couch, crossing and uncrossing your legs.

That's what Adal thinks of when someone's like, hot. He's like, oh, Sharon Stone.

Kathy Ireland, Sharon Stone, all the latest hottie hots.

So thank you again, Stacey. Shout out to Chris. We hope his tinnitus is doing well. Thank you so much for that, Riddle. Is there anything that anyone would like to plug? Okay, well you do that.

Follow my Instagram, erinkeif10, and I will post about my life and what shows you can see me in there.

You can follow me on Twitter at AdalRifai on Instagram. Come check out World News Tonight, check out the podcast Hello From the Magic Stacey, also Siblings Peculiar, which is a podcast I do with my brilliant sister Sadia. And go to TeePublic, we have a merch store for Hey Riddle Riddle on TeePublic, check those out, buy some merch. Give us the hashtag Riddleware and we will, starting next week, we're going to start listing people who do the hashtag Riddleware. We'll start doing a fun little thing on the podcast with Riddikitty, listing some names, giving some shoutouts.

Oh yeah, and you can tell us your name too if you do that.

Give us that name.

Because if you just have your Instagram or Twitter in there, we're just going to read your handle. So if you want your name read, send us your name when you do the hashtag as well.

Also, Hello From the Magic Tavern has a show at Talia Hall Tuesday, November 27th, and we'd love to see you come out to that. It's in Chicago, Talia Hall is a cool venue in Pilsen, so come check that out.

And you can follow me at JPSoFly on Twitter, I'm at SharkBarkman on Instagram. And I post about shows and everything that I'm doing there, so that's the best place to find that. You can follow the podcast at HeyRiddleRiddle. If you have riddle submissions, you can always email those into hrrpodcast at gmail.com. Again, check out that TeePublic store. I hope you find a lot of great things there. And Erin, I heard that you have a new favorite planet. As I was talking, I was hoping that I would find something in there. I had nothing prepared.

What's a Muppet Pig's favorite planet?

Jupiter. Hi-ya!

Bye-bye.

This has been Hey Riddle Riddle, created by Adal Rifai, starring Erin Keif, That was a HeadGum Podcast.