Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

Dance to the beat of your own conundrum.

It's Hey Riddle Riddle on HeadGum.

Damn, we rehearsed the shit out of that. We took that so many times to get that. We hit that hard. And we hit it hard and it went to bed wet.

I'm gonna go... We hit it hard and it went to bed wet.

Welcome back to Kind of a Saying.

I would be so good at a game show called Kind of a Saying. They'd be like, finish this saying, but not really.

My friend Steven from high school wanted to be the type of person who said sayings, but he didn't know any. And one time, in true anger, he said, Stop eating lunch off my back. And we made fun of him for a month.

I think he meant to say get off my back because you were probably using him as a table.

Yep.

Or he meant to say, this guy's really eating my lunch.

But stop eating lunch off my back.

I like having the thought that it's like, you know what I want to be known for? Sayings. I want to be the good at sayings guy.

Better to have loved and lost than to walk in on your parents dead.

A penny, one penny, two penny, pennies a day, and there's no more doctors. What is it?

One in the hand is worth, what's this on my hand? Do you have one? For sure. Cool, let's head out.

Mary Mary, quite contrary, she contracted ovarian cancer. Oh God.

Okay.

Hey Riddle Riddle. I'm going to be the old man puzzles this week. I've decreed it, I've declared it, I've said it, and I've snared it. So that's what's going to happen and you'll all be at my mercy for the next 45 hours. Yikes. My episodes take a little longer to record.

We added them down to a palatable 40 minutes.

If that! But for this episode I have a kind of special treat. I was driving back from... Arnold Treat Special?

Isn't that couched into the meaning of the word?

Oh yeah, okay, so here's my first riddle.

You don't give a dog a special treat, you give a dog a treat.

Could you give a dog a loan? I want to be good at sayings. So I was on the way back from a road trip today, and as I was thinking about the show and the record later, I thought, you know what, I want to take a stab at writing some of my own riddles. So these are riddles, I think maybe one of them is not, but most of these riddles are riddles that I wrote to try to suss these out for you. Everyone in the car was sleeping and I woke everyone up to be like, hey guys, can I run some of these riddles past you? Were you driving? Oh yeah, and sleeping. And I'm a dog. But I woke everybody up and I was like, can I run some riddles by you? And I was like, these are warm-up riddles to get people's brains working. And they got them so fast. They got them so immediately that they were like, oh, no, they're good. And I'm like, no, you're supposed to get them. So these are very easy. I've play tested them once. And if you don't get them, I'm embarrassed for you.

Uh, if we don't like them, will it hurt your feelings?

No, absolutely not. Um, I, so I tried, I tried, well, I'll talk about my methodology, uh, for writing these a little later. And you know, if you're at home and you, you're considering writing riddles, this is kind of fun. It's like a fun exercise. Um, but.

And write a riddle so easy, a car full of sleeping people can get it. That's the real riddle.

I, my first question would be, did you copy formats or like vibes of different riddles? But answer that after.

They weren't specifically for Matt, but, um, Matt was in the car and he did enjoy them. Oh, you said floor mats because we're driving in a car. You want to kill me? Okay, okay. I will talk about that at great lengths after we are done. Wonderful. Wonderful, wonderful. I am too tired but cannot sleep. I have spoke but cannot speak.

It's something with two tires. That's a bicycle. Spoke. Spoke on a wheel, two tires. Yeah. Sleep at the wheel. Is that it?

Yeah, it's a bicycle. Cool. Yeah, too tired and it... I'm too tired. I'm sorry.

I was doing that song.

I'm too tired for my bike. I'm too tired for my bike. Okay, you guys ready for a warm-up riddle?

Number two.

Yes, sir. Ooh, I love the formal nature of it. Nadel, can I get a yes sir from you?

It'll be entirely manufactured energy. Yes, sir.

Your Majesty! I pack a punch but cannot fight, but poke me and I can delight. And I candlelight? It doesn't say candlelight, but... What did you say? I can delight. But candlelight is fun too.

I pack a punch but do not fight, but cannot fight. What? What did I say? Do not. Oh. Oh, were you thinking of a donut? I pack a punch. I pack a punch.

I pack a punch, but do not fight.

I cannot fight.

Do not fight.

What was the second part? But poke me, and I can delight. Mmm, yes.

Can delight. No.

Someone who packs a punch for a picnic.

Stop eating punch off my back.

I feel like you guys are treating me like a punching bag.

Is punch like the drink? Like a fruit punch?

Yeah, it's like a school lunch.

I don't know if I'm allowed to answer... I pack a punch like a high C or an ecto-cooler. I'm not gonna, I'm not allowed to answer questions about this without checking with the author. Would you guys mind if I?

Oh, God.

But didn't you say you wrote them? Oh, yeah, I guess I did. I guess I am gonna do a fun little thing, aren't I? The floor is yours. JPC, this is Old Man Puzzles asking you, can you answer questions about these riddles? Who's asking the questions? This is JPC. Who's asking the questions? That's Adal and Erin, the people who are always mean to you and don't respect you and manufacture energy when they call you sir. Oh, yeah, you can tell them that I'm not gonna be answering any of their fucking questions and they can both go suck a bunch of butts. I'm not gonna tell them that, that's horrible. Hey guys, it's me, Old Man Puzzles. JPC says that he's not gonna answer the questions and you can suck a big bag of dogs' asses. I heard suck some butts.

Is it a Tickle Me Elmo?

I got caught.

Packs a punch but does not fight.

Packs a punch but cannot fight, but poke me and I can delight.

Tickle Me Elmo.

Is it Capri Sun? It's Capri Sun! Yeah, Adal got it.

Oh, cool.

Yeah. It's a pair of Capri's, son. I like that one. It's Capri's, son. Yeah, that took some workshopping.

And that fits in with Stop Eating Lunch Off My Back.

Yeah, it fits in directly with stop eating lunch off my back. Cool, these are getting a little, okay, so this one is not one that I came up with.

These are getting a little what?

Finish that sentence. The quality takes a steep drop off after a point, so that's why I'll do this one.

Really, from here?

So this is like the Marianas Trench. Okay, yeah, nobody knows what that was, college.

Mariano's? Like the grocery store? Yeah, the Mariano's Trench.

You know that store where all the fish go? The Mariano's Trench? Excuse me, I was in aisle four and I kind of dipped down. I think that there's a Mariano's Trench in here.

Okay, we gotta see a scene.

But I can still hear the piano playing.

We gotta see a scene where Erin is a dolphin, she stops into an underwater Mariano's, and JPC is a killer whale who's... No, JPC's gonna be an otter who works at the store.

Got it.

Cool, and so Erin's a dolphin, not a monkey.

I can't do it. How do you do it?

Excuse me, ma'am. Is everything okay? I heard you screaming in the aisle.

Yeah, I broke something. Do I have to pay for it?

Well, I mean, my boss is in a... What did you break?

I'm embarrassed.

Oh no, is it a feminine hygiene product?

Worse.

Is it spaghetti sauce?

Worse.

No, don't tell me it's a lamp.

No, it's in the sexy aisle.

Oh, in the sexy aisle.

Oh, is it a... This woman here broke her water. Her water broke.

Sorry I'm a starfish who's just twirling through. Sounds like you're like a star fucker fish trying to get up in people's business. No I'm just saying I know Trent Reznor but I mean we're friends. I have a cell phone number you want to see?

Who else?

Are you friends or are you more like sea anemones? I better go. I think we all better go. No, you otter stay.

I wanted to be in one.

I couldn't think of any C puns. God, C puns.

I should have said Alanis Morissette, you otter know.

You, you, you, you otter know.

You're listening to Hey Riddle Riddle, the worst podcast in the world. She's singing Your Otter Knows, right? Because she thinks otter noses are adorable?

Because she gave an otter a handjob at a movie theater.

That sounds pretty cool, yay.

I would have died.

Sorry, I'm just trying to think of C puns to put in a Landis Morissette song.

I'm gonna need 40 minutes. Okay, take 40. But while you're taking 40, think about this warm-up riddle. I have four legs, but cannot walk. I have a head, but cannot talk.

It's like having four legs, but you cannot walk.

That's her.

That's the dolphin. You got your dolphin. Can you repeat it? I have four legs but cannot walk.

I have four legs but cannot walk. I thought you were asking Erin to repeat her. Can you repeat your Atlantis dolphin?

Atlantis porpoise.

Oh wow, that's great. I have four legs but cannot walk. I have a head but cannot talk.

A table with a penis on it.

It's a penis table. Yeah.

Classic penis table. I have a head. It's going to be a bed.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's a bed. Cool. It's going to be a bed. I do like the delivery of that. Hey, walk a mile in my bed. Early to lunch and early to rise. Makes one healthy wealthy in bed. Yeah, if you guys have sorta sayings, please tweet them at hrrpodcast. No, at heyriddleriddle. Tweet them at us and hashtag them. Hashtag sorta sayings. That's sorta with an A. Sort A sayings.

Yeah.

Okay, you guys ready for this one? Yes. Okay. Can I get a few seconds? Oh yeah, I forgot. I didn't ask and I don't actually want to say guys. Are y'all ready for this one? I'm a lady. I'm trying to eliminate guys from my lexicon. Me too.

I've been saying y'all.

Everyone says me too. I've been like, hey y'all. Yeah, but I'm not from the South, so I feel like y'all is disingenuous. Or I'll say everyone.

Hey everyone.

I have been saying y'all.

Or folks. Folks, y'all. It's anything Southern. Folks, y'all. Hey everyone.

It's really hard. It's really in my brain. Hey guys.

Yeah, I say hey guys a lot, and I talk to people on the phone at work, and I don't want to say y'all. Hey, everyone. Okay, I'm ready. What I say now is, hey, y'all want pie? And they're like, I'm sorry, I don't have any pie.

Hey, y'all want to come in from the gazebo to the veranda?

This guy's got pie. Hey, everyone, come running.

Hey, guys, come, he's got pie.

Hey, guys, come here, he's got pie.

No, not guys. Slice it up on the chifforobe. Okay, y'all. I'm underground. I'm in the air. Without me, you would not be here. You'll be cool if you stick with me, but you'll not find me in the sea.

Ice.

Alanis Morissette. I have one vote for Ice and one vote for Alanis Morissette. No, it's one of those options.

It's Alanis Morissette.

No, it's neither one of those.

I have no choice. Is that Alanis Morissette? No.

But I'm just an animal.

Yeah, isn't that her? You've already won me over.

Under the sea. Yeah, that's good. Great.

Is it Ice?

No. No, it's not Ice. But Ice is a guess, technically.

Water.

So, you'll not find me in the sea. Brings me to my first dead stop of the episode. It's gotta be kelp, right? No, we don't need to do a dead stop. You'll not find me in the sea. I feel like you guys are saying things that are exclusively found in the sea like water and kelp. Jellyfish.

Read it again?

Yes, I can. I'm sorry. I'm underground. I'm in the air. Without me, you would not be here. You'll be cool if you stick with me, but you'll not find me in the sea. Trapper Keeper. Jansport. Yeah. Stars. I'm underground. I'm in the air. Yeah, that's like some fun filler until it gets too... A lot of riddles have two or three lines of fun filler that won't matter for the riddle. We honestly, this podcast has taught us that. I'm under the ground. I'm in the air. No. I'm underground. I'm in the air. What did I say? You said I'm under the ground.

What's the fucking difference?

Okay, well that could be the riddle.

I'm underground. I'm in the air. Oxygen. Dirt. Trees. You got it. Purple stuff, sun and green.

Trees! It's trees. I'm underground. I'm in the air. Without me, you would not be here. You'll be cool if you stick with me, but you'll not find me in the sea.

That's excellent.

Thank you guys.

Did you write that?

I did write that.

Well done, JPC!

Okay, they do take a steep decline.

Who do you think people want to hang out with? Adal or me, based on the last 15 seconds.

Me? Please hang out with me. Well, honestly, don't hang out with me. No, I like that one. The thing that I like about riddles is I like the rhyming component that makes them sound like they're mysteries that an old man would tell you to cross this bridge. So that's troll. You mean it's troll. Okay, this is another original. This is a JPC original read by Old Man Puzzles, which is JPC this week.

What do we say this is a JPC joint?

This one is more than anything is a JPC joint.

Like many famous rappers, can you yell your name somewhere at the beginning?

And then the year? Well, so the rappers don't yell their own name. Usually they have a hype man saying like, J-P-C! And then they go into... And then the year? Yeah, the year. And the year of our Lord. Let me do the riddle first, okay? And then you guys can decide. This is a JPC joint. I love to hump, I always spit. You want a ride, but you gotta sit.

Into it. Can you read it again? Because you really enjoyed reading it.

I love to hump. I always spit. If you want to ride, you gotta sit.

2018. Yo, turn up my snare.

I hate these. All right. The last of these warm-up riddles before we get into the actual hot pub. Pubble. Pubsies. Pubsies. Pubsies. Fortnite. Dabbing on your corpses. Fortnite. Oh, little Dabner's back.

Kid riddles.

Kid riddles. This one, Erin, I'm sorry. I will write you a more personalized one in the future, but I want to exclude you from this because I'd love Adal to focus on this riddle. Is that okay?

Yeah, I'm gonna take a quick little nap.

Actually, you know what? If you want, you can play along as well, but keep in mind that this one was one that I wrote for Adal specifically.

No, I'm gonna write you a letter while you read this one to Adal.

I'm gonna write you a love song. Okay, cool. Adal, you ready?

I wrote this one for tonight.

This is a specific, special one for you.

What if Smashing Pumpkins wrote, Fortnite, Fortnite, Fortnite.

Dabbing on your corpses. Dabbing on all my haters.

Melancholy and the infinite dabness.

When I am drunk, I drink my piss. I wish that I could kiss my sis. I play a badger on a show. I drink piss. I'm a pervert and I'm stupid. Who am I?

Oh boy. I don't know the names of the guys from the dollop. I'd say that, or maybe... Oh boy, this is a hard one. I don't want you to read it again.

Read it again!

I can't read it again. But the answer is Erin Keif. It's one of the misdirect. You know that it's Erin because I said I'd drink my piss twice. I was getting pretty slap happy at the end of every piece. And that one tickled me, so that one's open.

So this is the episode where we just give up?

That one's only fun for me. Oh, and Erin wrote me a little note. I will now read this little note.

By the time you read this, I will already be gone.

Oh, it's a little doodle on it. Dear JPC, go jump in a lake, comment JPC. PS, fuck you, love Erin. Wow, she loves me. I took what I needed out of that.

Erin, I got it. Your note just made me think of it. The perfect pun. Atlantis Morissette. Oh.

You did it. I'm really happy for you.

I'm going to head out. You guys have fun.

Erin, I really wish you took that opportunity to go jump in a lake to do a sort of saying there. Like, go jump in a dog that won't hunt.

Do you have notes on my... While JPC gets some notes, we're going to take a quick break. We'll be right back with more Puzzies and Riddies. Hey Erin, you're a pretty unique person, would you agree?

Yeah, I'm pretty and unique.

You're unique.

Okay.

Or are you nitty? Yeah. What do you sleep on?

Sometimes it's just like a bunch of newspapers stacked on top of each other of like when I've been in the news. And sometimes it's JPC.

That's a pretty thin amount of newspapers. Local girl falls downstairs. What? I said local girl falls downstairs. Does it on purpose. Goes to jail. Well Erin, because of your unique pretty makeup, I don't know how to phrase this, you should be sleeping on the Helix mattress that JPC and I got you.

Yeah, yeah, I mean we know that sometimes people have been like, don't sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, but they mean don't side sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, don't hot sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, because we know that everybody sleeps different. Well, the Helix Sleep Mattress is designed for people who sleep in a variety of different ways.

And you can take a quiz. And it's not the type of quiz that you can fail, so don't worry about that. I worry about that. But it's just a quiz to get to know what kind of sleeper you are.

You took the Helix Sleep quiz, Erin, and you got a don't sleep, right?

The first F ever.

You can find that quiz at helixsleep.com slash riddle. It only takes two minutes, and it's going to match your specific makeup to a mattress that's right for you.

Yeah, that's why they call it Helix Sleep, because it relies on double helix, so you just enter your DNA into the quiz, and then it tells you what kind of mattress is your soulmate, basically.

And it tells you what kind of mattresses your ancestors slept on. I mean, you'll see that in your dreams.

Yeah, that'll be something thatthey don't promise that, but that is something that comes in most people's dreams.

And they have a 10-year warranty, and you get to try it for 100 nights, risk-free.

They have a 10-year warranty?

Warren G. Yeah, 10-year Warren G. And 100 nights risk-free.

There is a little loophole here because they say 100 nights, but you also get the 100 days as well. Oh, do you? So you can sleep in the mattress 24 hours a day for 100 days.

And for me specifically, for Adal Rifai, those are Arabian days and Arabian nights. That's true. All 100.

And that's not something any of the rest of us feel comfortable saying.

And if you sleep next to a partner, half the mattress can be for you and the other half of the mattress could be for your partner.

Or, you know, you could do three quarters. Just with sprawl, with arms and legs. But right now Helix is offering up to $125 off all mattress orders. That's $125 off. To get your $125 off at helixsleep.com slash riddle. That's helixsleep.com slash riddle for up to $125 off your mattress order. Don't sleep on this deal. That's not theirs. That's mine.

I guess the way I sleep is I clutch a pillow and I kiss it.

Yeah, I do the same thing but the pillow's in between my legs.

How I sleep is, you know when you get someone in that choke hold with your leg?

Oh, like Xena did for James Bond in that movie?

Yeah, that's what my blankets do to me.

That's helixsleep.com slash riddle. Of course on the pillow I write, not a pillow. So when I kiss it, it makes sense.

Naturally, you're pretty unique.

HelixSleep.com. Slash Riddle.

Ooh, we're back.

I thought you were going to say, somebody stop me.

Somebody do not go in there. We're back. We are going to change it up. So for the rest of the episode, for the riddles and puzzies for this episode, I'm going to invoke a special rule.

Do I have to hold hands? No. Is this like a seance?

I'm going to revoke your special rule to make comments.

In vogue or revoke?

In vogue? This is going to be in vogue. Never going to get it. So the rule for this is that you can ask me yes or no questions. Those are the only questions that you can ask, and I can give you yes or no answers about any of these riddles. Cool? Cool. So there won't be any hints, but there will be any yes or no questions I can answer to give you more information should you need it. The other thing that I will say is that these riddles I am reading from a, I guess it's like a booklet. It's like not, you wouldn't call it a book because it's like 15 pages. A pamphlet. A pamphlet.

It's like Common Sense by Thomas Paine.

Exactly. From a pamphlet that was originally published in 1981. Now I read some of these and they're like so awful and not even words that I would be comfortable saying. So we're going to skip over some. But keep in mind, The original year that these were published was 1981 and you can ask me yes or no questions.

We should specify, I believe, that that pamphlet was handed to us by a fan of the show after a Hello from the Magic Tavern live show. I can't remember the, do you remember the guy's name?

No, I'm sorry.

Please email us your name so that we can give you credit.

He handed us like three books and he was very cool and nice.

He was very cool and nice. Also, just email us your name. Everyone, email us your name.

No, you don't have to email us your name. Just email us. We'll see your name on your email. Oh, unless you have a weird email.

Or if you have something that you want to be called that's not your name of your email, just email us your name.

If your name is in your email, email us a weird email.

Oh, we're going to get a lot of emails.

Call me by your name. If you see me.

You can call me Al.

Hi, Jack. Okay. So yeah, I'm going to read some of these. You can ask me yes or no questions. You guys ready? A wife gave her husband a single article of food. He died as a result of eating it. And even though thousands of people heard of it, the wife was never brought to trial.

I know this one. Nobody eats articles of food. You wear articles of clothing.

Damn it. You got it. So yeah, it was edible panties. From Spencer's Gifts. From Spencer's Gifts. Bought them in a mall. Yes or no questions only. Sorry.

Do you know it?

A wife fed her husband a single article of food.

Again, that's not what anybody ever says. In 81, that's what they were saying. Keep in mind, 1981. He died as a result of eating it, and even though thousands of people heard of it, the wife was never brought to trial.

Is it thousands of people have heard of the food?

I don't think so.

No.

Thousands of people heard of the incident.

Yes. She was never brought to trial. Yes. Because nobody liked the husband. Did people like the husband?

Her husband was her cat.

No. Was the food what killed him?

No.

She choked on it.

No. Not directly, so no. She choked him. No, no, the not directly was to yours. He's allergic.

No. Um, I hate this.

No. You like it, yes.

A man choked on an article of food.

No, a wife gave her husband a single article of food. He died as a result of eating it. Even though thousands of people heard of it, the wife was never brought to trial. Oh, it's a Butterfinger BB. Oh yeah, it's a Butterfinger BB baby.

He only gave him one. He only ate one. Okay.

He did not starve. Okay. So the husband did not die from the food. Correct. He died.

He died as a result of eating it.

Okay. So it's, uh, it's a fugu.

I'm sorry?

Blowfish?

So there's not, you have to, you can die from eating food when it's not choking.

So the food, eating the food did not kill him, but the act of eating the food is what got him killed. Or is what caused him to die.

Oh, he picked it up with chopsticks, but then he put them through his face.

No, it was not using utensils.

He crashed the car.

There was no cars. In fact, the cars hadn't even been invented yet. Is that true? Yeah. He was eating something that an animal also wanted.

Oh, this is cave person time.

I'm giving you guys some more hints as before that.

So it was a stegosaurus. It was Fred Flintstone and Wilma, and she dropped a T-bone on the car.

Wilma, my car!

It tipped over and crushed him.

I'm

Was it a vegetable? No. Was it a fruit? Yes. A fruit.

So it's something with... Oh, Adam and Eve. Erin got it exactly correct.

Oh, it's Adam and Eve. Yes, this is... And it's the old time. Right out there, I'm jazzin' and drinking.

Here's a nickel for you, Milo. You keep the booze coming all night.

So just to be clear, in 1981, only a few thousand people had read the Bible. That was my quibble with this thing.

I was like, why not say a million? Why not risk it? You don't think millions of people have heard this story in 81? We're going to do a little bit of role play. I'm sorry, this is 1481.

We're going to do a little bit of dinner role play. JPC, I want you to be Adam. Erin, I want you to be Eve, and you, Eve, are going to be tempting Adam to eat from the Tree of Knowledge a piece of fruit. Again, this is just proving that the best riddle book of all time is the Bible.

Come over here!

Can I stop you for a second?

Eve, stop, come on, be serious for a second.

I want to tell you something. Since you've come into my life, every day of my life has been the best day of my life.

Oh my god, he's proposing!

I... Snake. Kevin, please. Please, Kevin, don't. I am so in love with you and I can't imagine a world without you and would you make me the only man alive? What? What?

Oh no, no. Just because I'm the only woman here does not entitle you to me. You just assume. You're so entitled.

Also, didn't she come from your rib?

Snake, please. You're sort of like my brother. I'd rather date Snake than you. Are you kidding me? Now's my chance. Snake, please. I said I'd rather. You're both the bottom of the barrel.

Hey Snake, stop eating the lunch off our backs.

We're trying to have a conversation here.

I was created for you. I'm doing air quotes. I was created for you. I didn't create you. You know what? Come over here. If you want to marry me so bad, eat this.

Oh, that's a... That's a snake.

I should... Yeah, eat him. Eat him right in front of me. Please don't.

You want me to eat snake? Please don't.

And then when you're done eating snake, eat this apple.

And then I'll marry you. Okay, I would do anything for you. I love you so fucking much.

You love me because I came from you. You see yourself in me.

Adam, report to the front of the garden. Oh, God.

You're in trouble.

Adam? Yes, oh Lord. Where's Kevin?

He's in his tummy.

I got hungry and I ate Kevin.

Cool. What's a tummy? Because at some point you all started to come up with your own vernacular.

What's vernacular? Is that like a colloquialism that we're not familiar with? What's a colloquialism?

That's not in the zeitgeist.

It's just something from my lexicon. Well, let's agree that we'll stay out of each other's biz. Well, all's well that ends some. Bye! I'm not marrying Adam. All right, I'm dabbing on your graves fortnight. Head scheme. That was fun. And ten more minutes. Okay, yeah, that one was great. I'm going to ask you this one again. This is a yes or no one. The man was afraid to go home because the man with a mask was there. I feel like there are some things like wind and breath and baseball diamond that are like, there are a thousand different variations of them.

Well those are the four powers of Captain Planet. There was wind, earth, fire, and baseball diamonds.

And baseball diamond had a monkey. Yeah, Mati. Okay, so again, 1981. I was 17. Weren't we all? No. You know 1981 when everyone was trying to sell war bonds? I was just a twinkle in my dad's penis. Mr. Allen.

We could cut this whole episode. Mr. Allen. Mr. Coan, I insist that you stop sticking things up there.

Oh, that's sort of a saying.

Yes, it is. That is sort of a saying. That fits. If the shoe fits, fuck it. We have to do this riddle.

Sorry, I'm laughing so hard. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Mr. Kevin Allen was reading a newspaper and came across an article... Hold on. All right. Okay. Okay.

Okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That was just the funniest thing you've ever said. Give me a break. Okay.

Mr. Kevin Allen was reading a newspaper and came across an article about the death of a woman in the Swiss Alps, reading that a Dr. Jones' wife had accidentally fallen to her death while skiing. Alan went to the police and told them Jones murdered his wife. After questioning, Dr. Jones confessed to the crime.

How did Mr. Alan know? Because Mr. Alan was really the character Short Round from the Indiana Jones series. Because nobody else would call Indiana Jones Dr. Jones except for Short Round.

Who am I thinking of to play him? You're thinking of Tattoo from Pleasure Island. From Treasure Island, is that what you said? Yeah, from Tattoo Island.

Can you re-read it?

Tattoo Island is that Russian girl band that kissed each other? Mr. Allen was reading a newspaper and came across an article about the death of a woman in the Swiss Alps. Reading that a Dr. Jones wife had accidentally fallen to her death while skiing, Allen went to the police and told them Jones murdered his wife. After questioning, Dr. Jones confessed to the crime. How did Mr. Allen know?

Is this something we can glean from what you said or do we have to

I think you might need to ask me some questions, but the things that you can glean is that Mr. Allen read this in a newspaper, a woman died skiing in the Swiss Alps, and then Mr. Allen went to the police, they questioned Dr. Jones, and Dr. Jones confessed. But how did Mr. Allen know?

Because you can't fall down while skiing.

Yeah, a weeble can't wobble without slipping a flobble. No, that's no.

He guessed. Skiing is the art of falling down.

Yes, Erin got it. He guessed. No, he did not guess. He knew. He had some information.

Was it anything to do with a picture that went along with the article?

No.

Did he know them personally?

But a picture is worth a thousand birds in your hand. Did he know them personally? Yes.

Oh.

Oh, he knew that Dr. Jones hated his wife.

He was having an affair with his wife.

No. His wife didn't know how to ski.

Um, no. I mean, it doesn't matter.

No, it matters.

No.

Because if she didn't know how to ski, she wouldn't go skiing.

She knew how to ski.

Um, does it have something to do with the Swiss Alps?

His wife was already dead.

No and no. Not specifically. Except she did fall to her death while skiing.

Um. Hadron Collider.

So he knows them personally. Yes.

Hadron Collider is the answer. And that's a question. So the answer is yes.

It's GPC. He knows them personally. So he knows a detail about them. Yes. That is the reason why he knows. Yes. Okay. Does it have to do with her body?

No. Does it have to do with his body? No. Does it have to do with Body by Jake?

Mark by Mark Jacobs? No.

Is his body too bootylicious?

Yes, but that doesn't have to do with Riddle. For you.

Yes, for you.

Yeah, I mean, you were right on the money with the detail, like something that he knows.

They were supposed to do something. He knows she hates, she doesn't ski.

No, he doesn't know anything about skiing or that specifically. Any of that. Like her skiing skill level, doesn't matter. And there is, so he does have a piece of information that led him, so try to ask questions.

He sold him a gun. Not a gun. He sold him a knife. No. He sold him a rope.

Oh, he sold him something.

He sold them something, yes. He sold them faulty skis. No. He sold them a snowboard. Tickets to Paris. He sold them to a different place. Tickets to Paris, no. Tickets to London. Tickets to... One ticket home.

He sold them one ticket home.

Yes, Erin has landed on it. I've got one ticket to kill my wife.

They sold him one ticket home. That's awesome.

He was their travel agent. 1981, when travel agents were a thing. And he sold them one round-trip ticket and one one-way ticket. That is a cheap doctor to be like, yeah, I'll only need one ticket back.

I think that's a really good riddle.

That's a good riddle. But again, travel agents are a thing of a bygone era, right? Like people don't have travel agents anymore. Okay, here's what I want to do. I want to see a scene. Adal, you are a travel agent. It is the year 2018. So it's the modern era. And Erin, you have just walked into this travel agent shop. You're a freaking teen.

Sure. Oh, wow, these spider webs here.

Oh, come on in. Come on in. Oh, you look like you got moxie, kid. Is this a haunted house? Do you want it to be?

No.

Then it's not. No, I'm a travel agent. Come on in. Come on in. A what? A travel agent. Is that like a spy? Um, yeah. It's kind of a cool thing. So what I do is, uh, do you have the internet?

Each time you open your mouth dust comes out.

Yeah. And little spiders. I died 40 years ago, but my business lives on. Joking. That's an old timey joke.

The internet? Yeah.

So I basically do what the internet does, but much slower. So if you want to go somewhere in the world, I'll help you achieve that goal. Where do you want to go? Where do kids want to go these days?

My crush's house.

Crush's house. Where does your crush live?

Three houses down from me.

Three doors down. I'm hip to that band. They sing Photograph, right?

This isn't a haunted house.

No.

It's so cold in here.

If it was a haunted house, why would I have these fangs in this cape?

Geez.

Creak slam.

That door closed behind me. When was the last time someone was in here?

Oh, I'd say 1981.

The year my grandparents were born. How old are you? Fifteen.

That checks out. I wanted to poke a hole in that, but you know the saying, you can't poke a hole in a steel boot.

Uh, well, it was nice meeting you, mister. Hey, am I scary? Yeah, yeah, no, no, no, no.

Can I, can I sell you a ticket? Just like a plane ticket so you can go see your crush?

I mean, she is in Italy with her parents. Oh. It'd be weird to just show up.

No, that's great.

On someone else's family trip.

Let me pull up my typewriter here and let's book you one ticket.

Is that a Windows 98 typewriter?

Yep, it's a Windows 98 typewriter. You listen well. Let's put this in here. One ticket to Rome.

I'm 15. I listen to who I want, when I want.

You listen to the who.

Bob O'Reilly. We cut to the airline where you're about to board this flight to Rome, but the ticket attendant is that same old man, complete with vampire cape and cowl.

Here's my ticket to Italy. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Good to see you again.

Creak.

Slam.

Oh, I missed my flight.

This is probably for the best.

That would have been spooky to show up.

That's also the sound a skeleton makes when he dunks.

You took my next riddle. What is the sound a skeleton makes when he dunks? Creak. Slam. Oh boy. Cool. You guys did that exactly perfectly. Ready for this next one? Yes or no questions only?

Yes.

A gang of thieves rob a warehouse one night. They capture two night watchmen. It's K-N-I-G-H-T, so they're on the wall. They capture two night watchmen and place them unharmed and unbound in the trunk of a car parked nearby. The next morning, when employees hear sounds coming from the trunk, they open it. One man steps out alive and well. The other is dead.

No air in the trunk. One man sucked the air out of another man's mouth or butt. Have you ever read a survival book?

One man sucked the air out of another man's mouth or butt. So, yes, no Erin.

So thieves robbed a warehouse, they took two nightmen, and you said night was spelled K-N-I-T-E? No, he's joking.

Night watchman, just the guards. So they put them in a trunk. Unharmed and unbound.

Left them overnight. The next morning, one was alive, one was dead. Because one needed medication.

You were right with the air thing. That is correct. But the part that's not correct is you said mouth and butt.

So they ran out of air.

Oh, penis.

Yes. They only had the air for one, enough for one.

Air for one, please. Air force one, please. No, but how? Yeah. Yes. They only had air for enough for one. Yes.

So one killed the other so he could breathe out the air.

How did one of them survive?

By killing the other one. And eating all that sweet, sweet air. No. By kissing.

Poking a hole in the car and breathing out of it.

No. By poking a hole in the person and breathing through it.

Yeah, he poked a hole in the person and breathed through it. No. So one person suffocated because of lack of air and the other person did not. Yeah.

Case closed.

But there was not enough air in the trunk for one man to live throughout the night.

So he sucked through his mouth, or butt. He got out? Listen, I got it. Just give it to me.

You got it? I'll give it to you. Keyhole. There was something else in the trunk. A tank of oxygen.

A straw.

Okay, so it was oxygen. Yeah. But it was not a tank of oxygen. What else is something that might have air in it? Lungs.

In a trunk. The spare tire.

The spare tire. So here's my quibble with this. I don't think trunks are airproof. Are they? Is a trunk airtight? They shouldn't do that. No, I don't think they are. I think if you were in a car drowning, air gets through. Well in 1981... Oh yeah, they were building these things out of like solid steel. Yeah. And like welding the truck shut.

Right, but like that... Yeah.

Also, I don't think you can breathe the air out of a tire.

No, I feel like it's... there's poison.

I think it's poison! I think they put poison in them so teens won't suck the air out and get high.

But if you pee it out, it's fine.

Yeah, if you pee it out quick enough.

But they didn't put poison in gas so you can still siphon it out and drink that sweet, sweet gasoline.

That's true. You can drink that gas. So I want to see a scene. Adal and Erin, you are both night watchmen, night watch people, and you've, the thieves have ransacked the warehouse and they have locked you in a trunk. You are locked in the trunk of a car.

Hey buddy, we're going to get you to your wedding tomorrow morning.

This sucks. I mean, what is Diane going to think?

Oh no, you're going to be a little rough around the edges, but we're going to get you out, okay?

Rough around the edges. You're the worst.

Yeah, yeah. I'm the best, best man though, okay?

You are the best, best. Thank you again for being my best man.

Yeah, of course. And we've been working here, night watchmen at this warehouse for ten years together.

Hey, we met in the scouts, right? Boy Scouts?

Yeah.

You remember what Chief Kevin used to say? Scoutmaster Kevin?

Don't get stuck in the back of a car, you'll die.

But if you do, suck the air out of the other person's mouth or butt. One of us has to live, one of us has to die. I've got a wedding to get to.

I've got a wedding to get to, too.

But one of us is more important to the wedding than the other.

Well, I don't know about that. A best man's pretty integral to a wedding.

Let me have your air.

I'm the one who drinks a beer in the morning and gives a toast. That's always hilarious.

Wait, have you done this before?

I'm a lot of people's best friends, Kevin.

That hurts.

I'm your best friend. I'm a lot of other people's best friend.

You treat me like a real spare tire. Oh, speaking of.

Ka-blam! The tire airs for me. And your wife will be mine too. Go be go be go be.

Feed. Did you both have guns?

You both reach for guns! Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, oh yes. We're watchmen. We both reach.

Ka-blam-il!

You can tell two seasoned improvisers because as a scene is drawing to its logical conclusion, they both take out guns and shoot each other.

They have different funny noises for the guns.

Ka-blam! Correct. Creak-slam! That's what happens when like an old dried-up river does a really wicked burn on you. A traveler on a deserted road came upon a body of a man lying by the roadside, dead. The dead man was wearing a knapsack, though there were no marks on the body or blood anywhere. The traveler could tell immediately the cause of death. What happened?

So in 1981 a knapsack is what we used to call sleeping bags. No.

Was there something in the backpack?

Yes. Back to school supplies? No. Trapper keeper?

No.

A piece of paper with the name of the murderer?

Yes, it was Kevin. A piece of pizza.

A piece of pizza.

Is it a piece of pizza? No, Little Caesars.

Um, was it your butt?

Damn.

Don't look and see if it was your butt. No, it wasn't your butt.

It wasn't my butt, it was a fart. Can you read it one more time? Yes. A traveler on a deserted road came upon a body of a man lying by the roadside dead. The dead man was wearing a knapsack, though there were no marks on the body or blood anywhere. The traveler could tell immediately the cause of death.

They put the weapon in the backpack.

No.

Was the knapsack a parachute that didn't open?

Yes. Yes, you got it. The knapsack was a parachute that didn't open. That's immediately the cause of death. That's awesome. But there'd still be blood everywhere. Here's the thing. There would definitely be. So this is also, I think, for kids. Like this booklet is for kids.

It's all murders and they're like, but there wasn't blood anyway.

But I think that they don't want to tell kids that if a body jumps out of an airplane and hits the ground, that's going to fricking liquefy. There's going to be blood, bone, viscera, puke, poop, eye gunk, bile, all of that stuff. In that order of quantities, in that order. I'm still laughing at Twinkle in your ear. But to have it say specifically that there are no marks on the body or blood anywhere... That's bullshit. Yeah, body just hits, bounces twice.

Have either of you skydived before? Skydove?

Skydived, yes.

You have?

Yeah, a tandem. So to do it solo... On a bicycle? Yeah, on a bike. I BMX'd out of a plane. The plane was blowing up on Batman. But to skydive solo, you have to go through training and stuff, or you have requirements or whatever.

Tandem skydiving.

Yeah, tandem skydiving, the instructor is strapped to your back.

I've done it.

Have you?

Uh-huh.

Cool.

I did it in Queenstown. Yes, that's what it's called. New Zealand. Australia? Oh, New Zealand. That's awesome. And it was over one of the mountains where they shot Lord of the Rings.

And it was OVA.

It was OVA. No, but the first minute of skydiving hurts because you like can't breathe at all. Cause you break your Skymin. Oh, kill me. You have to kill me. Your only choice is to kill me so I won't spread. That's one of my favorite things you've said. Um, yeah, but no one tells you that. Did you, could you not breathe for a little while when you jumped?

Yes, but they did tell me that. They didn't tell me that. The week before I went, I went in Hawaii and someone in the paper had broken their, their instructor like landed on them and broke their back.

Yeah. Let's do a scene. You two are going to be skydiving for the first time. I'll be your instructor. Okay. We'll see a scene where I'm just kind of trying to get you up to speed on how it's going to go.

Okay.

Alright, so are there any questions at all? I feel like we got the gist of it.

Yeah. Sorry, I think I probably, you probably get this all the time.

Is this gonna... I look like Matthew Modine. I get it all the time.

Oh, I was gonna say, is this gonna... I was gonna say Matthew Lillard.

Oh, I could see that.

SLC Punk.

Yeah, well, no, more from Scream. Scream, oh yeah, okay. What were you gonna say?

I was gonna ask... When we jump out, when we jump out, is this gonna hurt my Skymen?

Your Skyman will remain intact.

Shh. I didn't want him to hear.

Wait. Your Skyman will remain intact. So just so you know. I can't hear any of this. Because here's something you both need to know. When you skydive, anytime you land, there's never going to be blood. So that inherently means your Skyman would never break, because when your Skyman breaks, there's blood, right? Yeah.

Not for everyone.

Well then your Skymin didn't really break. Sounds like someone's telling lies.

Someone tells lies and someone only tells truths. My Skymin never breaks.

My Skymin didn't bleed. Hypothetically.

Okay, well this is my kid sister. Hypothetically? This is my kid sister that I'm skydiving with. I don't want to know this about my kid sister.

Oh, kid sister. Yeah. So it's basically like she's from your rib. Hey, can I tell you two something? No. If your shoots don't open, remember, land on your feet and you'll be fine.

Did you say sheets or shoots?

Your sheets. Uh, let me put it this way.

Oh, are these bed sheets that you put in your backpack?

I'm good at shoots.

Are these fitted sheets?

Those are fitted sheets. I'll trust that the air will catch them.

They're sort of the right shape.

I mean, I'm definitely going to shoot. I'm trying to break my Skype.

Oh, so I need to shoot. Okay, then go ahead and shoot. Hey, did you know that you have more cum in your body than I gunk?

Oh my parents listen to this.

Kids listen to this sometimes. Google Skyment.

No.

Remember 1981 and we don't endorse anything in this riddle book. This one's a little problematic. George lived with his Aunt Mabel, whose sanity he sometimes doubted. One day Aunt Mabel was bragging about what an expert she had been in her former line of work. I'll just go and get my clippings and show you, she said when she returned. I'm sorry, she said. When she returned, George took one look, called the authorities, and had her committed.

My guess is the clippings were not newspaper clippings. They were clippings of people.

I can't in a good conscious full stop you for this because you're correct. Fingernail clipping. Yeah. No. Toenail clipping. No.

Hair clipping.

Yes. What was her former line of work?

Barber.

Yeah. Yeah. She was a barber and she had saved people's hair. And so he was like, my aunt is insane and put her in an institution. You know, how a man could just call the police on a woman and put her away in a home.

It's happened to the best of us.

Officer, women be crazy.

Yes, so the book from 1981. We might come back to it. We may revisit it later.

You know what's similar? You know what a fun little mirroring that just happened? That woman was called insane. And then I almost had a full stop done on me when I had the sort of correct answer.

You said clippings of people.

I meant toenails, fingernail clippings. I understand that woman and women are not crazy. Here we go.

A woman being committed to an insane asylum is the same as a woman on a podcast being a full stop.

You're the 2018 version of having someone committed.

You told me I was crazy when I said pee out the poison and then a lot of people on the internet said pee out the poison.

Hey, do you guys feel like it's getting a little sunny out?

Whatever you're doing, I'm not interested in it. You're shaking your shoulders. I feel like I want to build a little castle or something. I'm not interested in what you're doing.

Why don't you come play with me?

Bring a shovel and maybe we can play in the... Let's do the sandbox segment. Let's just do the sandbox segment.

Welcome to another sandbox. Welcome Sandy Weiss in the studio. How are you doing, Sandy? I'm doing good. Thank you for having me again. Thanks for bringing your sandbox. What do we have on the docket today?

The sandbox docket? Where's your metaphor?

Sitting on the docket the bay. I've got more, I've got more riddles about actresses' names. Would you like to go there?

Yes, I'm glad that we're doing this again because last time we did this I was one of them. That's right.

It was incredible. And did you, you said something that your son... Oh yeah. So I've been listening to your show for all of it and you have a fan in myself and my wife and also my son who loves your show. Where can we find your son's Twitter handle? Well, I'm not going to tell you. Does he have Twitter? I'm not going to answer that question. I know your kids, and they're very young. So that was a joke, but if he has Twitter, let's not. They're inappropriately young, and I'm embarrassed to tell the story because I'm a bad dad. So what happened was we were in the car, and the kids were in the back seat listening to their own stuff on their own headphones. And my wife and I were listening to an early episode of of this show. That would be any episode. Something in the single digits, I think. And then my son said, OK, we're done. And we paused this show because it's inappropriate to play for kids. For sure. Because it would blow their minds. Right? I mean, anyone that knows that, including my wife. But I was like, what should we listen to now? And she turns to me and goes, I think you would like that Riddle podcast. out loud and I was like, what are you doing? You can't, but it's been, you can't put the genie back in the bottle. So he's like, yeah, that sounds great. Play that. And I was like, well, here we go. And so we played it and it was, he loved it. He ate it up. So the next, the next day he was like, we were in the car and he was like, can, can we listen to the Riddies and Puzzies?

That's adorable.

How old is he? Nine.

I think this sends the wrong message. Two things. That's the best story ever. Two, please have him rate and review us on iTunes. So I'll do you better. He actually has riddles he wants to give you. Oh, did you bring him or can we have him on the show? Did I bring him? He's in my pocket. I said, did you bring riddles for him of like, here's some riddles he wrote for you? No, no, no. He comes to me from school with riddles. Like he has riddles that he's acquired. Can we have him call in sick to school and come into the studio? Because of course we record 9am on Wednesdays.

No, I want to do a kid episode. We only record on school days. And we'll make sure JPC doesn't say anything disgusting.

Would you ask him, or if he's listening right now, he won't be because this won't air for a while. How do you think this works? This is Skype, right? Well, he could have tapped my phone. It's a possibility. But please pass along a message for him to please come in the studio and we'll do a special sandbox with him.

A kids edition sandbox. Because most of these are adult sandboxes.

So let's get to some of those, what do you want to call those? Good. Fill in the Tyra blank banks. Jesus.

Okay, you're trying to brand the thing that he does.

You ruined my favorite thing.

I have to ask do you only do these for actresses or do you do these for actresses as well or do you have like a is this just like one of the portions?

I don't know why, but when I first started making these, actress names came to me much easier. So then I just kept with the theme. I don't think that female names are necessarily going to lend themselves better to this format than male. As a Cooper owner, you obviously know that every blank blank like yourself is a paragon of politeness. Would you like to guess? And Erin, you said it was Winnie Cooper from that show you should know? Since you're so young and hip. As a Cooper owner, you obviously know that every blank blank like yourself is a paragon of politeness. Alice Cooper. Mini driver. Damn it. Boom baby. Awesome. You got it. Next one. The drugstore bandit would travel the streets at midnight blank blank AIDS and Walgreens.

Maria CVS. Something with Wright. Yes. I'm only here to troll Erin.

Robin Wright. Robin Wright pen. Not anymore. Yeah. Otherwise I wouldn't have made a pun about pens.

I will never get over that. Maria CVS.

Let's do a quick segment where JPC and I are going to be casting directors and Erin I want you to come in. You're a famous actress, Maria CVS, and we want you to come in and audition for a role for The Winter Years. Great. And let's see how that goes.

Hello, darling. Thank you so much for seeing me. It's been a while since I've had to audition.

Oh, Maria, come on in.

Don't you know who I am?

You're Maria. CVS, of course. And thank you so much for agreeing to audition. It's just that we have a lot of interest in this part, and we really want to find the right fit.

It's very humbling. People usually just know my name and put me in things.

Okay, here are your signs, and you're going to be reading with Kevin here. I'm Kevin.

All right, I'm going to forget your name. I'm Maria CVS.

That's fine. I do want to let you know the reason we're having you audition is because another big name is up for the part. Are you familiar with the song Foolish Games?

No.

Well, there's a famous actress, Jewel Osgood, who's also up for the part.

Are you familiar with the song Wicked Game? Because Chris Isaac is also here in the studio.

Alright, here we go. Let's go ahead and read the scene. You, me, and Chris Isaac.

Can I believe I have to audition?

Oh, is that Bonnie? Bonnie, come on in here. How you doing?

I'm Maria CVS.

What a wicked game. And scene.

Honestly, I don't know if you're right for the part.

Mean!

We wrote your name Maria C.V.S. into the movie, but... Oh brother. The movie winner here.

During that Sandy got up and left.

Alright, I'm ready.

Alright, let's go on to the next one. Here we go. Even though I'm sure it's hard to blank, blank are good for your digestive system.

Swallow.

Beverly Tums.

Chew.

Chew Skittles. Even though it's hard to blank, blank are good for your digestive system.

And I'm going to tell you to say young actress. Penny Marshall. Even though it's hard to Annie Potts. Actually, this one is also Maria Sivias. She's a young actress. Even though it's hard to Anne Hathaway.

younger than that I'm sure.

I'm sure it's like a child actress.

Is she a teenager or in her 20s?

Let's go 20s and I'm gonna confirm that. Okay, okay. And one more time with the sentence. Even though I'm sure it's hard to blank, blank are good for your digestive system.

Aubrey Plaza. She's 29. She's 29. That's my age. It's hard to

Hard to digest. You might not know her name. That makes the game less fun.

What is she?

What does she know?

Is she a TV actress or a movie actress?

She's British. She's a movie actress. Oh, man. A lot of small movies. But she's got a very distinctive name, which is why I chose her for this game.

Imogen Poots?

Okay, that's a singer.

I know, I've only seen her name in writing.

Add one more letter to that. It's not pots. Poots. Poots are good for your digestive system. Sandy, it's so sad to say goodbye to you, but never come back. Okay, here we go. Okay. So is it supposed to be even though it's hard to imagine? Gotcha.

Is that okay?

Well, we're getting into a bit of a... Alright, I'll go back to it. I like that one. Sorry, here's a new one. Every blank, blank soda comes up with the year's new flavors. Kelly Grape. Every blank, comma, blank soda comes up with the year's new flavors. Every year, year, every month, every comma, every blank, comma, blank soda comes up with the year's new flavors. Day Sprite. Day Sprite.

Me say Day Sprite. God, every year, blank, comma, blank soda comes up. All right, so it's a soda name. Is this a real soda?

What's the one that does Jones? What's the one that does all those weird ones? Oh yeah, it's Jones. Every Felicity Jones. Rashida Jones. Every Rashida.

Every... January Jones. I have only ever gotten one of these right.

These are so fun.

Okay. At the Clue Rap Party, Curry and Khan had to blank blank because he was so drunk. Fuck each other. His son is listening to this.

That's on the IMDB page for Clue.

At the Clue Rap Party, Curry and Khan had to blank blank because he was so drunk.

Who were the other male actors in that?

Curry and Con had to blink-blank.

Drive? No. Okay.

Had to stay... Sober up. You should go down the path Erin has started.

Oh, it's Drive? She asked what other actors are in the... I don't remember.

So, Curry and Con are the only two I can remember off the top of my head. Yeah, I only know Tim Curry was in there. And the woman who's Scarlett, I know her name.

They had to... Colonel Mustard.

Who was the guy who was Colonel Mustard?

I mean, I could have picked lots of movies.

You want me to pick another movie? Yeah, you could give us another one. But still with Tim Curry in it.

Okay, well, this makes it harder. What if I tell you it was Mustard? Does that help?

I can't remember who played... No, I don't know any actors. Okay, how about this? I thought it was an actress, though. It's an actress.

No, but it would be the same name, part of the name. His last name.

At the Mr. Mom wrap party, Michael Keaton, Keaton and Gar had to blank blank because he was so drunk.

What is the name of that actor?

Manny Driver It's a... I've never seen Mr. Mom. Oh really? Yeah, and Michael Keaton's one of my favorite actors.

But the guy who's Colonel Mustard, he's famous.

Should I pick a movie not from 1983 or 5? No, please keep at it. Okay.

Oh, I know his name.

But why his name?

Why is it his name important? We're looking for the last name of the person and so we probably have the same last name. His last name is maybe the first name of this actress or the same last name.

Okay, I'm looking at the IMDB. He is known for Clue is number one, Mr. Mom's number four. In between it's Jingle All the Way and Rosanne. Ronald Schwarzenegger. So I don't think it's... I'm gonna pick another movie that's better than those two. They decided to Sinbad.

Oh no, isn't it Sinbad and Jingle All the Way? No.

And he's Colonel Mustard.

He has glasses.

I don't think Jingle All the Way is well known.

Okay, alright, so if I can't get it through this guy's last name, what's the other part of it?

Phil Hartman. Yeah, what's the other part of it? So, if someone is drunk at a party, other people have to

Take care of. Take care.

Karen. Karen. Close. Very close. Why Karen? Carrie. Carrie Fisher.

Carrie Fisher. Carrie.

Carrie and Moss. Carrie. Carrie Elwes.

Carrie Russell. Carrie.

Cary Mulligan. Cary Mulligan. Martin Mull. Yeah, I remember Martin Mull. Jingle all the way. That's all.

Yeah, Martin Mull. We know who that is, right? This is the freshest, hippest, ritty and fuzzy podcast talking about Martin Mull.

These are my favorite things we've ever done in this show.

Maybe this segment is called Martin Mullin' It Over.

And we have Martin Lawrence on, and we ask him some riddies and fuzzies, and he mulls it over. You're gonna like this one.

I guarantee it.

Men's Warehouse. Every paycheck I put half into a local bank, blank blank, in an offshore account. Every paycheck I put half into a local bank, blank blank, in an offshore account. You're on your way there.

and Anne Hathaway. I like Anne Heche better. I think that fits better.

I like Maria CVS better.

I put half of my money in a bank and Heche.

I'm going to go way way back for this one. Are you playing with card or Heche? I don't have any Heche on me. The Cockney gentleman said to the aristocrats with the dilapidated lawn, and this is where I'm not gonna do an accent, but if you guys want to go ahead go for it, JPC. The Cockney said to the aristocrats with the dilapidated lawn, oy, don't blank blank on staff. Don't short yourself.

Don't Ewan McGregor on staff.

Don't you have anyone? Don't you? Hey, what's Some of the letters. It's P-Z-L-R.

P-Z-L-R. P-Z-L-R.

P-Z-L-R. Daily puzzles. Hopefully still daily by the time you hear this.

So at please later because a new puzzle comes out every day. So please later.

And then someone Venmo him $100,000. Start an app where I get an endless amount of these every day. And everyone has a pun on your name. It's my name is the answer for all of them.

And maybe we can convince you to do some stuff for our social media, maybe some puzzles on there. Yeah. What am I agreeing to? Yes. Whatever it is. Whatever you agreed to, you did it on the air. So we got you sucker. That's maritime law.

Please have your son come in and do all of the riddles he collected at school.

Yes, I will. We'll have a, we'll have you back for future sandboxes. Thank you so much for doing that.

And Sandy, where can we find you? I run a company called The Mystery League where I make puzzles and games and you can learn all about that stuff at mysteryleague.com and I post puzzles daily on Twitter at PZLR.

was submitted to me by a close personal friend of mine. This riddle was submitted to me by Mr. Tim Lyons. He submitted this riddle to me in person.

Isn't that your roommate?

It is my roommate.

He's fun.

He's fun. He submitted me to this riddle in person, maybe two weeks into our podcast, and has asked me why it hasn't been on the podcast every week, even though I told him we had like six already recorded when he submitted this to me.

Sounds like a Tim problem.

It's a Big Tim problem. I'm not gonna fucking hear about this riddle anymore.

I like the phrase Big Tim problem. I buried a bird with Tim.

Really?

Yeah, we had a dead bird and we buried it together.

You had a dead bird?

Yeah, it was not dead at first and then it... You conceived a dead lady with a woman, a dead bird was born?

Yeah. That's just a memory I have of him. You found a dead bird? There was two birds fell out of a nest. That sounds like a riddle. Two birds fell out of a nest and our friend Shelby Plummer saved like a witch. She put them in her desk with like a heater on them and saved them and then one ended up dying and so we all need.

So she didn't save them.

Well she saved one, and one she kept alive a little while longer and let him die in a comfortable place.

Sounds like they both died. One time Tim claimed that a rat climbed the vines outside of our house, chewed through a window, went into the kitchen, chewed through a bag of chips, and then climbed out of our apartment. But I have a sneaking suspicion that Tim got drunk and tore open the bag of chips.

They took the double stuffed Oreos, tried to put them back in the bag. Yeah, it was a real wily rat.

Anyway, so this is the rat Tim Lyons and his riddle.

This is great advertisement for Tim.

He drank your last Mondello.

So this is, again, yes or no question. Yes or no's, and you can only speak in yes or no's. Tim specified you can only ask yes or no questions. He also said, let me know if you want the answer too. Didn't even have to email him for the answer because I knew it. A man is running down a hallway with a piece of paper. The lights flicker. He turns around and walks away.

What happened?

We don't know. He also says, it's possible I told Adal this riddle a long time ago drunk at I.O. But who can remember?

I don't. Good. A man is walking down a hallway with a fluttering piece of paper. The lights flicker.

Just no flutter to the paper, just a piece of paper. The lights flicker. He turns around and walks away.

Ghost.

Yep, he's a ghost. Damn it.

No. Not a ghost. The paper was like flash paper.

No. Glow in the dark. No.

Okay. The lights flicker. A man is running down a hallway with a piece of paper. The lights flicker. He turns around and walks away.

It's Benjamin Franklin. He's flying a kite. The light flicker is lightning.

No.

The man is lightning, the flicker is Benjamin Franklin.

Yes, that's it. You said it so close, but I said no.

Does it have to do with what's written on the paper?

Yes.

What word written on a piece of paper? Oh, it's got to be, the light's flickering has to be someone read, like someone, the call's coming from inside the house, like he held up the paper to the police or something. No. Is the light flickering cops? No. Is the light's flickering controlled by a third party? Or second party?

Yeah.

It's not natural light.

It's not natural light. It's not natural light.

It's a sign. No. Was what was written on the paper something to help like a plea?

Something to help. Was it a plea written on there? Was it a plea? No, I don't think it was a plea. That's a pretty vague term.

Did the person who flickered the light, was the paper intended for them?

You're assuming a lot with that, so I'll say no.

Did the man walk away with the paper still in hand? Yes. Did the man walk away? So he ran towards the light and then walked away.

A man is running down a hallway with a piece of paper. The lights flicker. He turns around and walks away. What happened?

Oh, the lights flicker implied that something else turned off too.

Yes.

So he's in a high school. Is he in a high school? No. Is he in an office building?

No.

Is he in a hospital? No. Hallway. Is he in a marijuana house?

Oh, I love this. What kind of building he's in matters.

Yes. Hallway. Every building has a hallway. Yes. Is he in an apartment building? No.

A house?

No. Is it a building that I would have been in today? No.

White House?

No.

Museum.

You don't want to go to this building.

Jail. Prison. Yes. And the paper said people are, don't shoot. No. Uh, the paper, why would the lights flicker?

Why would the lights flicker in a prison while a man is running down a hallway with a piece of paper?

Oh, is he getting shot?

There's somebody getting electrocuted.

Yes.

Oh, it's, it's, uh, it's, um, the, the, uh, pardon. Yes. That's saying stop. Yeah. You got pardoned.

Absolutely. You got it. Yeah.

And then once the lights flicker, he's like.

Dark Tim Lyons.

Dark, dark. Also. So assuming the governor calls and says, I will give the pardon. And then the guy like writes it down on a piece of paper, I guess.

There should also be a phone. There's also, isn't there literally a phone in the room with where the execution happens?

Well, so we don't electrocute people anymore, but this riddle's from 1981, which is when Tim was born.

But when it happened, it wouldn't be like, oh, the telephone for the pardon is 20 minutes away. It was like in the room, wasn't it?

I think so, but I don't know. Maybe it's movies. I don't know. Anyway, this is a fun riddle from a good friend.

And he didn't want to show the family or anyone else. He's like, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes.

Yeah, what Tim Dixon says is the guy says, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes Prison!

Ring, ring, ring, ring.

I've just announced the room I'm in. I'm in a prison. Ring, ring, ring, ring. Hello, this is the prison. Creep.

Slam. This is the governor. You may have heard of me. Oh my god.

Maybe you haven't. Governor McNamara. It's so, uh, this is such an honor.

I wanted to call you and talk about a couple things. First and foremost, very important, urgent, urgent, urgent. I can't stress how urgent this is. Who is that actress? Oh, okay. I know this game. Okay, so she, all right.

Is it Alicia Silverstone?

No, no. Are you sure?

Are you sure?

You're right, I'm not sure.

Okay.

She plays the best friend in things often. She was 13 going on 30. Okay. She was in Jurassic Park. I haven't seen it. She was in... Ooh, I know that one. We're

Who could it be?

She's very charming, often plays side characters. What would I know her from? She has her own vehicle.

What would I know her from?

She's in the village. She plays Bryce Dallas Howard's sister in the village. She's in Jurassic World? She's the mom in Jurassic World.

She sends her two sons out. She's in What Women Want too, isn't she?

Is she? Yeah, maybe.

Oh God, what is her name? What is her name? What is her name? Can you give me one second? Can you give me one second? Dave? Yeah. Hey Dave. Yeah. What's the woman who, she's in Jurassic World, she's the mom.

Bryce Dallas Howard.

No.

She's also the lead in the village.

No, she's Bryce Dallas Howard's sister.

In Jurassic World?

Yeah. No, in the village. I'm sorry? She's Bryce Dallas Howard's sister in the village. Oh, actually in both.

In Jurassic World. Holy shit. She's both Bryce Dallas Howard's sister in the village and Jurassic World. I wonder if that was planned. And it's not Bryce Dallas Howard? You're sure it's not Bryce Dallas Howard? I'm positive it's not Bryce Dallas Howard. It's not. It's not Bryce Dallas Howard. God, what is her name? It wouldn't be Judy Greer. It's Judy Greer. She does a voice on Archer. It's Judy. Did the lights just flicker? Oh my God.

Oh, so also Kevin, I want to pardon him. He's not getting killed today. Good news.

Okay.

Good night, Governor. We cut to, in real time, we cut to the electric chair where Kevin is about to be executed. Oh, that's weird. The lights are flickering. I guess it must be an electrical storm or something. Well, you're very much still alive. The lights flickering didn't mean that you... Any last words?

Any actresses you want to name?

We have 30 minutes till I'm supposed to be executed. Could we just take the full 30?

Yeah, do you want to do a little puzzle? Try and guess an actress's name?

Yeah, I'll try to guess an actress's name. You guys try to guess an actress's name that I'm thinking of.

Okay, great.

Because I'm dying. Okay, one, two, three, go. Edie Falco. You're never gonna get it. It was Alicia Silverstone. Well, I've been Old Man Puzzles for this episode, Dr. Daddy Riddles. And if you'd also like to hear other things that I'm in, you can listen to the campaign podcast on the OneShot Network. You could also, if you're looking to watch some things on Twitch, we stream Overwatch on Monday nights at IcePicklesOW as the Twitch handle. And then on Thursday nights at 7, we play Gloomhaven on Twitch at OneShotRPG.

And I'm in some shows. I'm going to do all of them. So I'm on a team called Wet Bus that you can follow on Instagram. That's also our Instagram name. I'm on a team called Comet, which is a Herald team at the IO Theater. They're really, really fun. I'm also on a team called Brady. It's me and two other really funny ladies at 10 on Monday evenings. And I have a sketch show at Second City at 730 on Saturdays at the end of November early December that you can buy tickets for called Emerald County Bank and Trust.

And you can check me, Adal, out at It's Riddikitty. Riddikitty, what were you saying? Riddikitty, me Adal. Oh, that's adorable. You can check me Adal at IO Theater. You can come see World News Tonight. Here's what you're going to do. You're going to come see World News Tonight. You're going to see me, JPC, and most likely Erin play. And then afterwards, you're going to stick around at the bar. And when we come out and we're ashamed of what we did, you're going to say hi and we'll have a drink. Say hi Jack.

Hi Jack. We'll have a drink and then you can tell us a riddle.

And we'll put it on the air and we'll say you're our good friend and we'll put you in the- you might join somebody else in the Riddle Hall of Fame.

If you had to go to Washington, would you rather go to Tacoma or me, Adal?

You can also email us at hrrpodcasts at gmail.com. You can check us out on Twitter, on Instagram, and on Facebook.

Erin, I wanted to follow up with you. You plugged Comet and IO Herald Team, but if you could have another IO Herald Team that was named after a different planetary body, what would it be? Jupiter!

Have a good night!

This has been Hey Riddle Riddle, created by Adal Rifai. This is a HeadGum Podcast.