Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

If the clue fits, solve it. Hey Riddle Riddle, I'm Adal Rifai. I'm JPC.

And I'm Erin Keif.

And where's Riddy Kitty?

Meow meow meow. Meow meow meow meow meow.

Oh, there she is. Where are you going to work?

Oh, meow meow.

Oh, you work there?

Meow.

And you just meow, you don't talk?

Meow meow.

Now and again?

Oh, I did. I heard that your boss is kind of a dickhead.

Yeah, he sucks.

Riddie Kitty!

Riddie Kitty, going to work, bringing a little kitty umbrella.

Can we... Riddie Kitty is filmed in front of a crazy person in their mind.

Can we get a... Can we get Arnie or someone to write a theme song for Riddie Kitty?

Yes, please.

Yeah, it'll be Arnie or someone. Yeah, Arnie Parrot. Arnie Parrot, I should clarify. Who wrote our theme song for this show?

Yeah, Arnie Parrot. You might know him from Hello from the Magic Tavern where he plays Arnie Kneecap. Matt Young? Yeah.

I wanted to sound like an old sitcom.

Oh, it did. That's why JPC said Riddie Kitty is filmed in front of a crazy person. Oh, no, I was just saying that. Who's our old man puzzles today?

Oh, it's me. It's a role you originated, but I perfected.

Wow. We know drama, characters welcome.

No, it's just different. I just do a different version of it. Hey Erin, how do you mean? Well, this is what I mean. You know how Ethel Merman was the original person in Gypsy? No, I'm too young. And then later, Patti LuPone played that role. I don't think we can say that musical anymore. Or Bernadette. Why? Oh, yeah.

You have to say Romana people.

Well, in that musical. Bernadette Peters later played the role of Patti LuPone. No one's better than anyone. They're just different. Can you not?

And you're a young hip kid?

With an old soul.

Can you not say the sitcom taxi anymore because of uber? Is it because of Lyft? Oh my god, what if they reboot a taxi and they call it freaking Lyft? Hi haters, dab on my haters graves fortnight.

I miss when JPC was here and not, what is his name?

Kid Riddles?

Kid Riddles.

Kid Riddles sucks. Oh yeah, dab on my haters though. Kid Riddles is filmed in front of a piece of shit.

What is it, filmed in front of a freaking mirror? Dab on my haters, Fortnite. Guys, what do you think of my new catchphrase? It's dab on my haters, Fortnite.

Is there a comma anywhere in that?

I couldn't tell you. Dab on my haters, Fortnite.

Debbie does dab.

Oh boy, oh boy. So, if you're just now tuning in, this is a podcast about riddles.

And I'm Old Man Puzzles. And I feel, again, I'm trying to perfect O-M-P. And the one thing I've not been very good at is doing the difference between warmup riddles and regular riddles. I make warmup riddles too hard and regular riddles too easy. So, uh, I tried to switch that this week. So let me know how I did.

So you tried to make the warmup riddles too easy?

Yes.

Got it.

I googled very easy riddles. And then for the other ones, I googled impossible riddles. Challenge accepted. But this one is not either of those. This is just our segment, uh, riddles from my garbage brother-in-law.

Oh, I love this. So this is Mitch. This is Mitch. For those of you just listening, we hate Mitch.

I got so many tweets after the last episode where I mentioned him, where people were like, just here to say Mitch is the worst. I was like, oh no.

And Mitch listens.

Yeah, he's listened.

Yeah, didn't you also send me some screenshots from your sister?

Yeah, Molly was not pleased.

Not thrilled about... But we love Molly.

Yeah.

We hate Mitch, we love Molly.

Yeah, she's gonna kill you when she sees you.

Sitcom submission for you, Mitch and Molly, okay? Two Chicago people.

Sitcom submission, your character you played that dabs on graves and says Fortnite, and it's called Little Dabner.

Oh, I hate this. Here's the riddle.

Yes, from Mitch.

A girl who was just learning to drive went down a one-way street in the wrong direction, but didn't break the law. How come?

I know this one.

A girl who was just learning to drive went down a one-way street in the wrong direction But didn't break the law.

Okay, I know this one I think I know this one too. Is it because Cinderella put it all together and she could drive it home?

With one headlight? With one headlight.

Wallflowers. Wallflowers. Jacob Dillon? Jacob Dillon. Best Dillon, by the way. Jacob, best Dillon. Best Dillon. Hands down. Yeah. Oh You know what? I'm forgetting. What's that? Dillon Thomas. Dillon Thomas.

Dylan the Blank.

What's the answer? She was going in reverse.

I love that answer.

The perfect crime. She was walking.

Yes, she was walking.

Oh my god. Christopher walking? Hey, you guys.

Here's another easy one.

Okay.

I appear once in summer and twice in autumn, but never in winter. What am I?

Um, Mitch's fucking face around this part. I'll pound that guy into stone.

Quick reminder, he's 6'7". 6'7". So big.

Yeah. So big for such a fucking idiot. Just because he's tall, not strong.

Yeah, you're right.

Is he a mean, is he like a nice guy?

He's the nicest.

Okay, cool. So he's not actually ever gonna hit me for the things that I've said.

I don't know, there's a first time for everything.

What are some classic like Mitchisms? Like when you're hanging out, what are some of his phrases?

People don't love me at concerts. I don't think he's ever said that.

I love your sister. Is it because he's tall or is it because he's an asshole at concerts?

Are we doing Mitchisms? Can this waitress be any slower?

I appear once in summer and twice in autumn, but never in winter. What am I?

Dandruff. Oh, that gotta be the letter M. No. What? Read it again.

I appear once in summer and twice in autumn, but never in winter.

S-U-M-E-R.

What am I?

Fort Sumner.

I appear once in summer and twice in autumn. It's gotta be a letter.

Yeah.

But never in winter, what am I?

You. Warmth.

Erin Keif?

Yeah, Erin Keif.

No, the letter U! Well done.

It's Erin Keif.

I'm gonna keep going.

You appear once in summer because you brighten my day. What was the other option? Twice in autumn because I hope when you fall it's twice as much.

Wow, that was really fast.

Dab on my haters.

Kid Riddles. I am always there some distance away somewhere between land Sea or sky I lay. You may move toward me, yet distant I'll stay. What am I?

My dad. Oh my god.

I am always there some distance away. Somewhere between land, sea, or sky I lay. You may move toward me, yet distant I'll stay. What am I?

Okay, you move towards it, but it stays distant.

Mm-hmm.

So... The horizon. Yeah, the horizon.

Well done. Well done.

No, I said Verizon.

Oh.

Because you don't get good service. Verizon, can you hear me now?

They're our sponsor. What? What are you doing?

Yes, again, Hey Riddle Riddle this week is sponsored, fingers crossed.

When they hear this. Let's actually take a quick commercial break to hear from Verizon. And we have a message from Kid Riddles.

Oh, man. Oh. I ran out of data for the month, and now I can't play frippin' Fortnite on my rippin' phone. Excuse me, kid. Did you say you ran out of dabda? No. Fuck off, loser.

How do I formally quit this podcast? Do I do a two-weeks notice?

You want to quit your podcast? Open up your My Verizon app and scroll to podcasts. Click infinite data and double-click on Can You Get It Now?

And don't forget to sign up for our Fortnites and weekends.

This is my official two weeks notice. Are we ready for another one?

That's how you formally quit? Yeah.

What is often returned but never borrowed?

Anything from TJ Maxx.

Oh, and it just morphed into one person.

Often returned but never borrowed? Love.

Oh, no.

Um, so yeah, so if most stores have like a 30 to 90 day return policy and it doesn't matter, they say that you can't wear it, but they have no way of knowing if you've worn it. So.

Are you returning most of your clothes after 30 days?

For sure. I've also done that with mattresses.

Hey, we're all old enough to remember layaway, right?

Oh yeah, that's when you jump back, shoot the basketball from far away.

He's from the 1940s. He's a boogie boogie boogie boogie boogie boogie.

He's a Riddie Fuzzy Boo. Often... Often borrowed.

No, often returned but never borrowed.

And it's not love?

No. Respect. I guess that works. No.

Often returned but never borrowed. You rented me, don't borrow. A greeting.

Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of things that are often returned. I'm just looking for a specific one. Oh, yo, yo, yo. Yeah.

No. Heyo.

Hijack. Is it hijack on an airplane? On an Israeli airplane to say hijack?

This has too many answers. I'm just going to tell you.

Is this from Mitch? No.

Okay. Thanks and compliments.

Thanks and compliments.

Which is not the case when you're talking to JPC or Adal. Hey, I like your shirt.

You want the shirt?

Buy the shirt, dumbass. Unless you don't have $250. Oh my gosh.

Yeah, I'm wearing a $250 shirt. I imagined that would be aggressive, but I had no idea it would be that aggressive.

Yeah, people don't often, they have conversations with me and they don't know that they're about to get put on frickin' blast.

Well, I'm going to now see, hey Adal, I like your hat.

If you want to buy JPC's shirt, just friggin buy it.

All right, here's another one. This is our last warm-up.

This is a person who probably won't listen to the show, but maybe on the show at one point, a mutual friend of Erin's and mine, Waleed, came up to me and he goes... Oh, if he doesn't listen, he's not going to be on. Well, for sure. He came up to me once and he was like, hey, I said something to someone this weekend and I thought it was like a very JPC thought. And I was like, what was it? And he was like, someone was telling me about this restaurant by their house, or someone was telling me about this restaurant. And I was like, oh, where is it? And they said, oh, it's right by my house. And I said, I don't I don't know where you frickin' live. I was like, that's exactly how I would say that.

That's my brand. That's on brand.

That is my response.

I did World News last night and I went to a place afterwards with my sister and somebody there had seen the show and so she came up, she's like, sorry to interrupt, I just want to say I love the show. I'm like, thank you so much. And she goes, I didn't think being super rude could be funny, but you proved me wrong. And I was like, thank you?

Wait, for the world news show?

Because I just played characters who were insufferable.

I thought you meant in real life.

I thought that was a follow up to you being like, thanks so much. And you're like, no, it's just my face.

It's my face.

I have one more warm up.

Okay.

Okay.

Are you excited?

Well, we're not excited that you put in your two weeks. We're hoping you'll stay on.

I said, are you excited?

I'm horny for pussies. Pop a horny for pussies.

Let's try to say that in unison. I said, who's excited?

Pop a horny for pussies.

Here we go.

The number four. The number four pussies.

You go it red, but stop it green. What am I?

Traffic light. No. Oh, traffic light in Australia.

If you're in Australia and you listen, tweet at me.

I've been, I lived there for a while.

No, no, no, no, Erin, if they're in Australia, you don't want them to tweet, you want them to MySpace, because that'll be our tweet. Does that make sense?

Yeah, it's kind of a little bit, but it makes total sense.

Cause for them, up, down, down, up. Up, down, up, and all they do is lose, lose, lose.

God, I love Australia because everything's backwards there and it's a fantasy land and people don't live there.

Hey, I'm an Australian. How salt recycle?

When I lived there, the radio ads would make me laugh so hard because the Australian accent was so over the top. I remember that's how I would lock into the accent.

I felt that way when I was in Maine, like people would be like, yeah, you want to, they, I can't do a Maine accent. It's like smart. Like they'd be like talking to you. And I'd be like, this is funny. Like you're, it's a funny voice you're doing.

Before we get to this last warmup puzzle, we got to do, let's just do a quick, a morning zip crew in Australia.

I have to say my root thing that gets me into an Australian accent. Keefer Sutherland.

Laserdisc. Laserdisc. Riserplates. Riserplates.

I shave my face with riserplates.

We're the ultimate in saving, specializing in people saving. So why haven't you rung Ricklyn? Or you're in for a surprise, you won't believe your eyes when you're buying your supplies at free range. I heard those ads all the time.

Well now we just did free advertisements for Australia.

Like Western Australia too. Yeah.

Hey Perth, if you listen in Perth, here was some money.

Kalgoorliebolda?

Svengoorliemolda?

Yep, Kalgoorliebolda and S-Prince.

You're listening to For What It's Worth?

People hit kangaroos with their cars there anyway, like they're squirrels.

You gotta pay for that to do it here in the States. Yeah. Kangaroos, it's what they call kangaroo smashing. That's when you hit kangaroos with cars.

Yeah.

I'm also super pissed Luigi got left out of the kangaroo smashing.

People will hit them with their cars and I think you have to by law look in their pouch to see if there's a joey.

If there's gold. That's how Australians pan for gold.

That's how I held a baby kangaroo because its mom had died.

You mean a joey?

Yeah, it's so cute. They try to somersault into your tummy because I think that there's gonna be a little pouch there.

It's funny, a baby kangaroo is a joey and an adult kangaroo is a Chandler. I was just gonna say, when you held the baby Joey, did it go, I'm so hungry?

Could I be wearing any more shirts? Erin, I understand why you put in your two weeks.

You go at red, but stop at green. What am I?

You go at red, you stop at green. That's gonna be blood. So when you cut someone, when they bleed, you keep going. If it's green, it's gangrenous and you need to stop and get them to a hospital.

If it's green, suck it mean. If it's red, probably dead. Wait, what?

If it's green, suck it mean.

All right. You go at green and stop at red.

Oh no, you go at red and you stop at green. It's a thing.

It's a thing. You go at red.

It's not like an idea.

I'm You go at red, stop at green. Tomato.

No.

What? It's gonna be a tomato. It is a tomato.

No. It's gonna be a tomato. You're gonna fry it at green. But that works.

You're gonna slice it up at red.

I said no.

Oh, it's gonna be fogo de chow. When you go to fogo de chow, when you put up the red. Is it a vegetable?

No.

Is it a fruit? Strawberry. Is it a meat? No. Cherry. You go at red. Go.

Pamplemousse. Pamplemousse. Pamplemousse. Pamplemousse. Pamplemousse. Think. Think. Think.

Oh, think. Great clue. Think. Here's a clue, think.

This is under very easy riddles. It's a fruit? Yes.

You go at red, you stop at green.

But tomato works.

You're eating and it's red, it's red, it's red. We're at the green part. Strawberry.

No. Avocado.

But these all work.

The other things you can technically like eat, I think. Like a strawberry you can eat the leaf.

A pomegranate. A pomegranate. No. Poison. What's red with a green pit? Raid.

Not a pit.

What's red with a green centaur? Technically the outside. It's a green stem, right? Technically the outside. What's green on the outside and red in the middle?

Oh, your hand.

I'd say it's one of them.

An apple. No, it's probably one of the most famous fruits.

Oh, gosh. Ooh. Oh, California Raisins. Tangerine. VeggieTales. No. Famous fruit. Just like a classic fruit. Classic fruit. We're talking bananas.

No, like picturesque fruit.

You said classic.

Cornucopia. It's at picnics. It's at kids eat it. Oh, hot dogs.

Potato salad. Hot dogs. Okay. It's a picturesque fruit.

It has seeds in it. It's good in the summer.

Jam. Jelly. Cantaloupe.

It has seeds in it. It's good in the summer. It feels like you guys know and you're messing with me.

No, we don't know. You eat it when it's red. Bell pepper, red pepper.

No, you eat it like this.

Coronacop, corn.

Pizza, pizza.

Red corn.

Same shape.

Traditionally when it's cut. A fruit that's the same shape as watermelon.

Yay! By the way, Adal, I did have it like two minutes ago. I thought we were just playing that game.

I never had it.

The fact that you said watermelon so excited.

Watermelon.

Pizza, pizza. But a bunch of other stuff that we said would have worked. Hey Erin, look at me.

Yeah, I guess tactically.

Yeah, tactically.

How's everyone doing?

Can you not eat the rind of a watermelon?

I think it's really hard to. You have to melt it down first.

I've seen videos of dogs doing it, and if a dog can do it, I can do it.

Really?

Can you eat your own shit? I think that I have the mental fortitude to eat one bite of my own shit, but I don't think I could eat the whole piece of my own shit.

Can you turn around before you sleep? What? Can you go around in a circle before you sleep?

Before I sleep, I listen to Total Eclipse of the Heart, and so yes. Are you a good boy? Yeah, I'm good. Are you a good boy? I'm a good boy. Who's a good boy? What, do I get a treat? I'm not working for nothing. Sit. I'm sitting. Speak.

Stay.

I'm horny for pussies. Good boy, here's a treat. Here's a hot dog.

And play dead. Play dead. Ooh, baby, the shotgun. So we can't do that one.

No, well, I'm not a good actor.

Were you Fred Schneider for the B-52s at the end?

Shotgun tin roof. Shotgun tin roof. And that brings us to a great place to take a little break. We'll be back right after this.

Hey Erin, you're a pretty unique person, would you agree?

Yeah, I'm pretty and unique.

You're unique.

Okay.

Or are you nitty? Yeah. What do you sleep on?

Sometimes it's just like a bunch of newspapers stacked on top of each other of like when I've been in the news. And sometimes it's JPC. That's a pretty thin amount of newspapers.

Local girl falls downstairs. What? I said local girl falls downstairs. Does it on purpose. Goes to jail. Well Erin, because of your unique pretty makeup, I don't know how to phrase this, you should be sleeping on the Helix mattress that JPC and I got you.

Yeah, yeah, I mean we know that sometimes people have been like don't sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, but they mean don't side sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, don't hot sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, because we know that everybody sleeps different. Well the Helix Sleep Mattress is designed for people who sleep in a variety of different ways.

And you can take a quiz And it's not the type of quiz that you can fail, so don't worry about that. I worry about that. But it's just a quiz to get to know what kind of sleeper you are.

You took the Helix Sleep quiz, Erin, and you got a don't sleep, right?

The first F ever. You can find that quiz at helixsleep.com slash riddle. It only takes two minutes, and it's going to match your specific makeup to a mattress that's right for you.

Yeah, that's why they call it helix sleep, because it relies on double helix, so you just enter your DNA into the quiz, and then it tells you what kind of mattress is your soulmate, basically.

And it tells you what kind of mattresses your ancestors slept on. I mean, you'll see that in your dreams.

Yeah, that'll be something that, they don't promise that, but that is something that comes in most people's dreams.

And they have a 10-year warranty, and you get to try it for 100 nights, risk-free.

They have a 10-year warranty?

There is a little loophole here because they say 100 nights but you also get the 100 days as well. So you can sleep in the mattress 24 hours a day for 100 days.

And for me specifically, for Adal Rifai, those are Arabian days and Arabian nights. That's true. All 100.

And that's not something any of the rest of us feel comfortable saying.

And if you sleep next to a partner, half the mattress can be for you, and the other half of the mattress could be for your partner.

Or, you know, you could do three quarters. Just with sprawl. With arms and legs. But right now, Helix is offering up to $125 off all mattress orders. That's $125 off. To get your $125 off at helixsleep.com slash riddle. That's helixsleep.com slash riddle for up to $125 off your mattress order. Don't sleep on this deal. That's not theirs. That's mine.

I guess the way I sleep is I clutch a pillow and I kiss it.

Yeah, I do the same thing but the pillow's in between my legs.

How I sleep is, you know when you get someone in that choke hold with your leg?

Oh, like Xena did for James Bond in that movie?

Yeah, that's what my blankets do to me.

That's HelixSleep.com slash Riddle. Of course on the pillow I write, not a pillow. So when I kiss it, it makes sense.

Naturally, you're pretty unique.

HelixSleep.com. Slash Riddle.

And we're Bic.

We're Bic. We're Bic.

Far out mate.

Lollies. I'm saying we're going to play some Bic. West Coast Dougal. We all know at least one Bic song. We'll say it on three. One, two, three. The Bic is Bic. The boys are Bic in town. The boys are Bic in team.

I'm old man puzzles and so this is when I googled impossible riddles these came up okay so you be the judge to be clear the one that was watermelon that was not impossible no that was supposed to be easy

I bet we're gonna get these impossible ones way much faster good than we did even better than on the riddle other in the bad ones is.

What was that?

And we got that clean, correct?

I speak without a mouth and hear without ears. I have nobody but come alive with wind.

What am I? Turtles. Some sort of cave. Turtle.

I have two smart asses in my class. Look at these smart asses, leaning over, thinking they have all the answers. I didn't even have a full breath after I asked the question.

Mrs. Keif, where's your husband? Yeah, how come you don't have a ring on your finger anymore?

Uh, how dare you? I may have killed him. Ever thought of that?

Yeah, a lot of people thought of that.

Thought we were doing Boston accents and it's Australian accents. Let's do this. They're both prisoners. Criminals, you mean? Prisoners! I speak without a mouth and hear without ears. I have no buddy, but come alive with wind. What am I? Fart.

Chimes. It's fart.

No, it's never fart.

But hold on, but hold on. Can I make my case for why it's fart? It's never fart. But please. Fine. But please. Okay. I come alive with wind.

Mm-hmm. I speak without a mouth and hear without ears. I have no buddy, but come alive with wind. What am I?

Oh, it's a Queef. Erin Queef.

You're the first person who ever said that.

Really? Trumpet. Trumpet.

No. Well, do you know, okay, so the, I went through all of high school and no one said that to my face.

Did people not know what it was?

I don't think that was like really in the zeitgeist yet.

I heard about it. I love the word zeitgeist was, but not. I heard about it in high school.

Um, but the three weeks before I graduated high school, a freshman boy was like, has anyone ever called you Erin Keif? And I was like, listen, you little punk.

Honestly, I've almost made it through all of high school. Honestly, let's put them on fucking blast. What's his name?

I don't, I remember his first name.

What's his first name?

Marcus. I haven't spoken to him since I was a senior, it was Mitch. But then I got to college and immediately, week one, they're like, Erin Keif! It's Erin Keif! And I was like, oh God. Okay, here we go.

Do you think Kiefer Sutherland ever got called Kiefer Sutherland?

Oh, for sure. That sucks. Do you think the Great Barrier Reef has ever been called the Great Barrier Keif?

We have so many questions for Australians. Like, which footy team should I root for? Sydney Swans or West Coast Eagles?

Adal, what was your embarrassing nickname from growing up? Because Adal, do they do anything with that?

I remember being at a birthday, oh here's one, I remember being at a birthday party when I was like 7 or 8 and my mom was with me because I was 7 or 8, but it was for a friend and it was all these parents at like a miniature golf course and one of the kids called me cattle, like C-A-T-T-L-E, cattle, and like was picking on me calling me cattle and the rest of the kids started saying it and all the parents started laughing and I remember like crying and being like, oh parents can be terrible too. Like it's my first experience. It's my first experience with like being like, oh, adults aren't the protectors. Adults are also terrible. Damn, dude.

That's a dark moment.

Wow. What a dark moment.

So that was the first incident.

Mine was, uh, it's not my last name anymore because I changed my name when I was 20, but my, my last name is my, like dad's last name, my little brother's last name, which was Pittman growing up. And so people, I got like armpit and like pit stain and like any, any variation of pit was, was in there.

Did the adults laugh?

Yeah, well the adults laughed whenever I opened my mouth. They were like, who is this kid? And why does he do good comedy for kids and adults at the same time?

People liked the drug part of my name. And I have a sister named Molly Keif, which my parents swore was an accident.

An accident? An accident? Yeah, that's very nice. Very funny. Very good stuff. Eek's gonna give it to you?

I speak without a mouth and I hear without ears. I have no buddy but come alive with wind. What am I?

It's gotta be chimes. Is it a river? A gong? Water? It's a sound. It's a whistle. A flute.

But a sort of, a kind of a sound.

A burp.

A fart. Is it a bodily sound?

No. Well, it can be any sound. It's just how it comes back to you.

Alexa, what is a riddle? Fuck you.

Alexa, what was that? Excuse me? Fuck you too.

Alexa, play for me... Play any U2 song and like it, Alexa. I won't have you besmirch U2 in my house.

Do you want me to sing it or play it?

Sing it. I want you to sing Beautiful Day.

It's a beautiful day.

Okay, thank you, Alexa.

Alexa, play an Australian radio commercial.

You're in for a surprise. You won't believe your eyes when you're buying your supplies at Free Range.

That looks like a good job. Turn off.

No. Are we ready for our next riddle?

Adal, are you ready? Yeah. I'm ready as well. JPC, you ready? Yeah, yeah.

Everybody get your pens and papers out.

Is that true?

Sort of.

Why did you ask us if we're ready before we got all... I don't have a pen and paper.

Should we say we're ready for Riddies? I'm always looking for the fucking angle.

So is everybody, are we ready for more Riddies and Puzzies?

I'm horny for puzzles. What? Do I actually need a pen and paper?

You might. It doesn't matter.

Okay. I'll let Adal do it and then I'll... Do I actually need a pen and teller?

Yes. What word in the English language does the following? Fart. Oh my God.

Let the record state, I thought that was very funny.

What word in the English language does the following? The first two letters signify a male, the first three letters signify a female, the first four letters signify a great, while the entire word signifies a great woman. What is the word?

Wait, the first four letters signify a great?

No. Yes. I'm sorry. Yes.

Two man, three woman, four great.

Great. Entire word signifies a great woman.

Heroin.

He, her, hero, heroin.

Yeah.

Wow.

That's a good one, right? Yeah. I like that one. I don't know if it's impossible. Internet.

I'll go ahead and say that that was a warmup.

I feel like you could probably see this is why I know I should be, I should be able to man puzzles.

Hey, do not second guess yourself. Believe in your dreams.

I agree.

Keeping it real. Believe in the literal quality of your dreams.

Hashtag fuck Mitch.

Yep. I had a dream that I was saving my friend Raina from a train last night. Do you think that's going to happen?

Uh, trainer. Uh, no. Hey, what kind of shoes are those?

Oh, these? These are trainers. Oh, nice trainers.

This one I think might take a while. Also, maybe write this down. I'm not even kidding.

And again, I'll eat the paper. I'll eat the paper at the live show. Hold on.

Yeah, let's get a nice audio rip.

Ooh. We ready?

Yes.

A man was murdered in his office. Can we have the sound of thunder? A man was murdered in his office. Thank you. The suspects are Jerry with a G. Oh, he did it.

Yeah.

Julie.

I don't need to know anymore.

With a J. Jason, Nick, and Sophie. I'm going to read that again. The suspects are Jerry, Julie, Jason, Nick, and Sophie. The numbers 6, 4, 9, 10, 11 are written on the calendar with blood. Who is the killer? The numbers 6, 4, 9, 10-11 are written on the calendar with blood. Who is the killer?

All right, Adal, can we talk this out for a second?

Yeah, the number six correlates to the letter F. So Frank did it.

Okay, so... There is no Frank.

Six-four... Because he's gone. Why would you stick around if you murdered your boss?

The order is 6-4-9-10-11. So it's not an ascending order because the six is before the four for some reason. But let's also just... Is that what ascending means? Okay, let's also... You fucking piece of... Let's talk about names. Jason, obviously, a killer's name. Historically famous killer. Actually, historically it was Jason's mom. Her historically. Her name was... Jason's mom has got it going on. Also, Sophie is one of the options.

Wait, let's follow that train of thought. Jason's mom has got it going on. Fountains of Wayne. Wayne Newton.

Newton's cradle. Olivia Newton John.

From cradle to the grave. Grave Robber Robbery Robertson Rob Zombie.

A zombie did it.

I'm gonna leave now.

Forget the two weeks notice. We have Sophie in here, which means that we technically have a Sophie's Choice on our hands.

Sophie's Choice. Choice is yours. You're wanted. Wanted Angelina Jolie. Jolie. Jolene. Dolly Parton. Parton the Interruption. Eruption. Volcano. Kano from Mortal Kombat.

Whose name was Jerry? Jerry, Julie, Jason, Nick, and Sophie. G-J-J-N-S-6-4-9-10-11. Can I give you a hint? No, not yet. Hey, Erin, I want that hint later, but I need to riff for a little longer.

No, I'm going to sew my mouth shut so I can never give you the hint.

Holy shit, she's doing it. Oh, wow. That's commitment.

I guess for the rest of the episode, it's just going to be Riddie Kitty.

Riddie Kitty's stuck inside of a cow's stomach? It says 6, 4, 9, 10, and 11 are written on the calendar in blood?

Yes. And the order of the numbers matter and the fact that it's on a calendar matters.

So that's, um, the boss did that before he died. So Bruce Springsteen was murdered. So, uh, January, February, March, April, May, June, J, uh, A. So Jason did it. Cause each month starts with the letter. A letter. Go through it. So it's going to be June, April, September, October, November. Jason did it. So we were right at the top. Jason's mom does have it going on.

And Jason was all that I was Jason from the killing movies, right?

Yep. You got it. That's a fun one.

So, so were those all on Friday the 13th is where they made the notation.

Yep. And again, not impossible.

Okay. Internet. And, and the reason why he wrote down, um, Let's see, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 digits instead of 5 letters, which would have been less blood, ostensibly, is because Jason decided not to clean up. Jason would have cleaned up his name written in blood because he just killed the boss. But he's like, well, let's not clean up this 6, 4, 9, 10, 11 thing because that's like a dying man's last scribble.

I would like to see a scene between the boss and Jason. Probably five to ten minutes before the murder took place and I would like for you to be the boss and Adal I'd like... Can I play Jason because I feel like I never get to play low status.

If I play the boss I want to play Bruce Springsteen.

I have a lot of more requests too. I'm holding them all back because of the sigh. I'll be the boss. I'll be the boss. I'll be the boss. Jason, would you please come into my office? Yeah, sure. Jason, you know... Which of your offices? My office, Jason, the one that we're standing at a threshold of. Jason, your job at the peanut plant is to put the caps on the peanut bottles. That's right. That's correct.

I'm a capper.

Yeah, you're a capper. Capper American, baby. American cappers. Dapper capper. Dapper capper. Planters Peanuts only has dapper American cappers.

We all have to wear these top hats and canes.

Well, you wear- And monocles. We all do. But you can take yours off while we come into the office. Okay. Ah, the standard sounds of taking off hats and monocles. Mm-hmm. Jason, do you know why I called you in my office?

I have an idea. Why don't you say it?

Your cappers have been in the crappers.

Excuse me, boss. Oh, sorry. You have a two o'clock meeting. I just want to make sure you remember, okay? Okay. It's 11, it's 11 15 in the morning. Oh, I'm a little disoriented. I'm a little hungover. All right.

Classic Sophie. Sophie, wait, wait. Sophie, come back in here. Where's Nick, Julie, and Jerry?

Oh, they are in the break room gossiping.

Sophie, I got to hear about this. You're a little hungover? What happened last night? I know you had that date. Walk me through it.

Oh my God. I got nervous and I got Marguerite drunk before he even showed up. Went on the wrong date.

You went on the wrong date?

I went on the wrong date.

Wait, the wrong date? The wrong day. And there's a calendar here.

Hey, Jason. Yeah? Stop interrupting. Oh, sorry. You're a capper.

I'm going to go back to my desk. Michael, stop that. Here we go.

I, you know, I feel so bad for Sophie because she keeps putting herself in these situations where she's setting herself up to fail. She's nice, she's smart, she's got a good job, she's got a great personality, lots of interests. She should be killing it on these dates, Jason.

Hey, do you know what my favorite type of scooter is?

Yeah, probably a Razor.

Take that from my knife.

Oh God, your knife! And you cut me in all the right places. Leave my office immediately! You're fired!

I'll grant you that one last request.

Oh, how to tell, how to tell who the killer is. Oh boy, I could record it on my cell phone. Oh, the calendar! Yes, the calendar. Oh, I'll leave a clever clue for an enterprising young detective. Oh no you don't, I'm taking these Marie Callender frozen meals with me. Oh, my pies! Okay. Oh, he's taking my frozen pies. Think, think boss. Think what would Bruce Springsteen, my idol, do? Ooh, the calendar on the wall. I could use it to staunch the flow of blood from my neck. Or, even better, a painting. Okay, six, four, nine, ten, eleven. What are you doing over here?

Six, four, nine, ten. Oh, this fucking gibberish.

This is the ages I wish I would have died at. I'll let you have it. Thank you, Jason. Wait, Jason. Months. What? Shurika. Did you say Shurika?

It's a living.

I said Shurika.

That's fun.

Yeah, that's a good one.

I got another one and you're gonna get it so fast. Are you ready?

Is this another one you found from Googling impossible puzzles?

Yes.

Impossible Puzzles.

Impossible Riddies. Anything's Impossible.

Here we go. We are all very little creatures. All of us have different features. One of us in glasses set. One of us you'll find in jet. Another you may see in tin. A fourth is boxed within. If the bits you should pursue, it can never fly from you. What are we?

Holy shit. Jesus Christ, there was so much to that.

One of us we find in tin. Let me go in order.

One of us in glass is set. One of us you'll find in jet. Another you may see in tin. A fourth is boxed within. If the fifth you should pursue, it can never fly from you. What are we?

And some sort of little creature?

Yeah, that first line is a little misleading. We are all very little creatures.

Were you crowned Miss Leading in Boston? Yes. There she is. Miss Leading.

Mrs. Leading was my mother. Call me Miss Leading.

BlastJet10, BoxedWithin, and the last one is something about flying away.

What is it? If the fifth you should pursue, it can never fly from you.

Allison Krauss.

I would say focus on the two lines, one of us you'll find in JET, another you may see in TIN.

I'm doing the 15-minute rule. If no one's claimed this cocaine in 15 minutes, I'm going to snort it all.

You know when you go in the break room and you're like, is this Coke for everyone? Is this like everyone Coke?

It's a Friday. Someone probably brought this Coke for everyone.

Yes, Susie, but we're waiting until 2 to have the cocaine.

We want to sing Happy Birthday first. To you.

So one of them is a member of the band Jet. Paul McCartney. Yeah, Paul McCartney was in Jet. He was in Wings, you jag.

No, he was in the band Jet and they had that song Wings. Yes. Wings, da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

Moll of Kintyre is the best Wings song. Fight me.

There's five. Ram's the best. The Fifth Element. Bruce Willis.

Jet's an Australian band.

Yeah.

We know that.

One of us you'll find in Jet. ET. Another you may see in Tin.

ET.

T.I., the rapper T.I. Wait, oh, can you say it one more time?

The whole thing?

Yeah.

We are all very little creatures. All of us have different features. One of us in glass is set. Oh, my phone turned off. Hold on. Ass. One of us in glass is set. One of us you'll find in jet. Another you may see in tin. And a fourth is boxed within. If the fifth you should pursue, it can never fly from you. What are we?

Vowels. Is that what it is? Yeah. I'm a total night vowel. And so this is me in my fifth element. Oh boy.

Riddles are bad.

So here's the, here's my thing. Here's my thing. What is the fly fly? I can never fly to you. What does that mean? I didn't understand that one.

You should pursue. It can never fly from you.

I don't get why that is the case.

Am I stupid? Am I wrong that most words have vowels in them?

Yeah.

Are you wrong?

All words?

No, there's a couple of words without vowels.

Oh, that's such a fun little tidbit. Actually, is that your impression of a guy at a party?

Does the word skin have vowels? No, I'm just saying like, how does this constitute a question?

What do you mean? This isn't a, it's a riddle. It's a mind, you have to like think about it. Think about what you're trying to do to me.

But it could easily just be letters. What?

No! No, because it's... The answer is letters?

No, I get that it's vowels.

It's A, E, I, O, and then U. Fine, yeah, no.

No, I get it.

I just don't like... Well, you actually didn't get it.

No, I do get it.

You had to get someone smarter to get it. What you got is fucking nothing. Does that make sense? JPC what's my favorite Motorola phone? Razor. Crazer. Crazer. You love the crazer. What's my favorite type of raisin? I want to see a scene. I want to see a scene where, Erin, you are a grammar school teacher. Adal, you are a student who is in detention. You're writing on the blackboard. And the thing that you are doing wrong is you are refusing to learn vowels. And so you have to write, I will learn vowels, but you're not putting any vowels in it when you write it. Okay.

Do you want your life to be hard or easy?

Neither.

Okay, let me approach this a different way. There are two different types of letters. Here we go.

Uppercase and lowercase. No, I get it.

No, no. And not cursive and not cursive. I feel like that was coming out of your mouth soon.

Yeah.

So there's two different types of letters. One you need all the time.

Yeah.

And the other you don't need so much.

I'm happy to just take a B. I don't want an A. Just give me a B. Okay. Can I ask you something Mrs. Queef? Why aren't you married?

My last name is Queef.

Why do you make me call you Mrs. when you're not married?

Have you ever read the book The Secret?

No, because I'm not over 40.

Yeah, no kidding, because you don't know what vowels are, you little shitbird.

Shitbird? That's a callback from episode 2.

Oh, there's a knock on the window.

Open the window. Help!

There are bees out here! Killer bees!

Help! I love that band. They had that song in the Beatles.

What? What? I'll only help the man with the bees if you can tell me what letter comes before B. Um... What letter comes before B?

Z? No, before B. If it's all circular... Oh God!

Just say the answer, please! You're killing a human being! Human... B... E... What letter comes before B?

Mmm... He's dead. He's dead and you killed him.

W? W... B... Du Bois?

He's right, it was WB.

Warner Brothers.

Yes, I'm Jack Warner and I want to offer you a job. What? Living in the Animaniacs Tower.

Are you single?

The water tower from Animaniacs?

Because I'm a missus waiting for my king.

Missus, queef, keep it in your pants. I'm a brother waiting for a sister who, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Let me take that back. No, first of all, I'm not unmarried, but I'm looking to get a divorce. Hold on. Wait, let me take that back. I don't want to get a divorce. I would cheat on my wife. Hold on. Look. Look, look, look, look. Wait. Reset.

I guess I owe you a little more time. A.E.

Yeah, I love A&E. And you love Owls. Here we go, I did my job. But I prefer TNT.

It's a living! Are we ready, are we ready for the riddle, for the riddle?

Pop a horny for pussies. Pop a horny for pussies.

I quit this show. I quit this show.

Bye! Yes, we're ready.

Where is Riddie Kitty? Where is Riddie Kitty?

Meow, meow, meow.

Oh no.

Meow, meow, meow.

Ridicule the Riddie Kit. Ridicule the Riddie Kit.

Someone please draw me. Okay. A homicide detective is called at a crime scene. A man is lying dead in front of an abandoned building. It is believed that the man jumped out of the window off the abandoned building and committed suicide. The detective asks his team to collect evidence and he heads towards the building. He goes to the first floor and towards the room that is on the front side. Inside the room, he lights a cigarette, walks toward the window facing the dead body, opens the window, and throws out the cigarette. He then goes to the second floor and repeats the same process. He keeps doing the same thing till he is done with all the floors and then takes the lift to the ground floor. Upon reaching there, he informs the team that it was not a suicide, but a murder. How did he know that this was not a suicide?

So he went to every floor and flung a lit cigarette out the window and then took the lift. So we know it's in England or Australia.

Yeah. So if it's in Australia, everything's backwards. So he's going underground.

So the guy jumped from the ground up onto the top of the building.

So can you read the beginning of this again?

A homicide detective is called at a crime scene. A man is lying dead in front of an abandoned building. It is believed that the man jumped out of a window off the abandoned building and committed suicide. The detective asks his team to collect evidence and he heads towards the building. He goes to the first floor and towards the room that is on the front side. Inside the room, he lights a cigarette, walks towards the window facing the dead body, opens the window, and throws out the cigarette. He then goes to the second floor and repeats the same process. He keeps doing the same thing till he is done with all the floors and he takes a lift to the ground floor. Upon reaching there, he informs the team that it is not a suicide but a murder. How did he know it was not a suicide? I'm a British newscaster.

I don't think you're allowed to throw cigarettes in a crime scene.

The dead man was the Marlboro man.

Oh, yeah. That's the only way to tell because he's the same density as a cigarette. Erin, look at me in the eyes. Erin.

Erin, open your eyes.

I can't. Yeah, I mean, that's contaminated crime scene. This guy should be fired. But he's a homicide detective and he has a team. What is this, like a Dr. House situation? Yes.

Oh. Did you say Dr. House?

Yeah.

Isn't it just House? House MD. What do you think MD stands for?

Musical Director. My dude. That's a spinoff. House. My dude. Party house. Musical director. Yeah, that's fun. Okay. So he's saying it's not a suicide. It's a homicide because if he's throwing the cigarettes out, is it like pushed versus jumped? Like it would be a different distance if he was pushed versus if he was jumped, if he jumped.

But you can't, I mean the lightness of a cigarette, the wind's gonna carry it or something so you can't... Yeah, right?

Yeah, I'm not sure because the wind would definitely carry a cigarette unless it's not windy. Or he's just determined that this guy was killed at a different location because the way that he's throwing all of these out proves that he didn't get thrown off of this building.

Well, we try to figure this out. I want to see a scene.

Okay. Wow, this is unheard of. A crime scene?

Well, no. I want to see, Adal, you are this detective and you're really trying to quit cigarettes. And JPC, you're kind of the second in command and you really want him to quit smoking. And you're at this crime scene. Got it.

Alright Beckett, we need to figure out how this man died. I mean obviously it looks like suicide, but... But as you taught me, Detective McGivens, looks can sometimes be deceiving.

That's good Beckett, that's real good. Hand me a cigarette, will ya? Oh, come on McGiven, don't make me hand you a cigarette. You really want one of these cancer sticks? Oh, I gotta get one. You're a better detective, but you're playing too close to fire. Every time you have one of these, that's another year off your life. Here's your cigarette. God damn it, Beckett.

Next time I ask for one, you fucking give it to me. I may not like RuPaul, but I need that sweet, sweet drag.

Well you better get in line for a dragnet because you're gonna need something to catch you when you fall, MacGiven.

Did somebody die in the river? Why are we bringing out a dragnet?

I didn't do that when you did your thing about RuPaul. Can you see how that's not fair? I'm the detective, fuck you. All right, well all right Beckett.

I'm gonna throw this one out the window.

That's a closed window The man was murdered oh Wait did we Aaron's face lit up when I said that's a closed window All the windows were closed. He was flicking the cigarette a closed window listen.

Oh He lights a cigarette, walks towards the window facing the dead body, opens the window, and throws out the cigarette. He then goes to the second floor and repeats the same process.

Oh, I thought he just jumped off the fucking roof.

No, he jumped out of a window.

Couldn't you stand on the legible window and shut up behind you? He was, uh, yes.

I did not write this.

Okay, okay, okay.

Let's all calm down.

We're all friends here. Goddammit, I'm not gonna calm down. Give me a cigarette. But Adal's right, okay? Erin, you wrote the riddle, so I want you to apologize.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, that's why that's... Riddy Kitty wrote it.

Oh, you know what?

Her phone died and she kept reading the riddle.

I would like to bring back a segment that I have not dusted off. An old chestnut. And I want to grade this riddle. And I give that riddle a fucking bad grade. It gets a D.

I give it an A because it was really fun that you accidentally solved it in the roleplay. That's never happened before.

We stumbled upon the answer via improv. That is fun.

That's never happened?

Based on me denying one of Adal's character choices.

Which goes to show you, always deny.

Deny, deny, deny. I did not have any sandwiches today. Oh yeah. Okay, cool. Let's do a listener. Submitted Rupal and Puzuzul.

So I have a listener submitted riddle, and this is an original riddle from Mark Wasserman.

Just say Wahlberg. The Wass! I wonder if I'm saying this right, Mark. I'm sorry if I'm not. This is an original riddle submitted by Adrian Brody.

It's Mark with a C. That's interesting. That's cool. Hi Mark. This is his original riddle.

Wasn't Mark the name of the person that called you Queef?

When I'm there you notice my lack. When I'm not, all is truly black. I'm described as warm, soft, and bright. The end to this riddle is light. I'm gonna do another one.

Do most riddles end with the rhyme? They should. Yeah, I mean that would be way easier. Thanks Adrienne Brody. Wow.

Oh and at the end here it says please give me work.

Warm, soft, and bright. Were they talking about Adal's personality? Dammit, that's not a burn. You're really pleasant to be around. Oh, thank you. You are too. Wow, what is happening?

We have another listener submitted. This one's from Jacob Kelly, and he hopes that whoever is reading this is having a wonderful day. Do you hope that that doesn't apply to the two of you? Erin got it, we didn't get it. Here we go.

The riddle.

Yeah, is it Mario Kart?

Here we go. The riddle. There are three men on a boat in the middle of a lake and they have four cigarettes between them. The problem is I forgot to bring a lighter. How do they smoke?

Ask Beckett to hand you a cigarette and light it. There's four men. Four men. Three men.

Three men on a boat in the middle of a lake and they have four cigarettes between them. The problem is they forgot to bring a lighter. How do they smoke?

One of the cigarettes is lit. The water's on fire. Lightning. One of them's a dragon.

One of the secrets is lit. The water's on fire. Lightning. One of them's a dragon. We have to have hit it. Adal has to have hit it. One of those four answers.

It took me so long to register that you said one of them's a dragon.

That's my new process is to just say five answers in one sentence.

I want to see a quick scene where the three men in the boat, uh, Adal, you're the dragon. I feel like we're sinking a little bit, and I don't want to point fingers. Rawr?

Okay, or claws.

Talons.

I'm not a fucking bear. I'm a dragon.

I have talons. You have talons. Hey buddy, you have talons.

Guys, guys, can we focus on the bigger thing here? We gotta take care of this baby. Three men and a dragon and a little baby. A little baby and a boat, okay? This baby needs to smoke.

I just, I feel like we're thinking, and whoever thinks that maybe they're the... If one of us could fly, maybe one of us could fly.

I can fly, but I'm trying to scale back. Get out of the fucking boat. You said I had talent.

You have a shotgun. Blam! Blam! Oh, you lit the cigarette. That worked. And one for the baby.

You sort of did hit it. It's one of the things you said, but you have to

If I got it, I got it.

One of the cigarettes is lit?

No.

Oh shit. Lightning. The water's on fire.

The answer is they throw the extra cigarette in the lake and the whole boat becomes one cigarette lighter.

Oh my God.

That's good. That's funny. That's what it is. So they all died. So the boat became a cigarette lighter.

Jacob said, uh, I don't know if this is a great riddle, but I personally find it hilarious and charming. I'm with you, Jacob.

Honestly, if he hadn't told you to have a good day at the top of that, I'd say fuck him. But since he did, since he was kind and polite, we will return the favor.

And he goes in the Hall of Fame.

And I hope you're having a wonderful day, Jacob.

Our first Hall of Fame bingo!

Welcome to the Hall of Fame, Jacob.

Here to induct our first inductee to the Puzzy and Riddie Hall of Fame is Ritty Kitty.

Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow Jacob Kelly meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow If you have any Riddies, Puzzies, or Quizzies that you want to send us, email us at hrrpodcast at gmail.com Also follow us on Instagram at heyriddleriddle, Twitter at heyriddleriddle, and that's it. We have a Facebook page. Oh, we have a Facebook page. Find us.

We're pretty much Hey Riddle Riddle across every platform. We got there early and we got there often.

Except for Periscope. We never had those auditions.

We did not get the Periscope.

Anything to promote, gang?

Check out Hello from the Magic Tavern, check out Siblings Peculiar, we got a live Magic Tavern show at Talia Hall in Chicago coming up so check out that. PodCon 2 in Seattle put on by Hank and John Green from Authortown, they write bookies, and check that out.

Cool. Yeah, if you are looking to listen to anything else on your earphones, give the Campaign Podcast a shot. It's a actual play podcast where we just wrapped up doing like a four year long run in the Star Wars galaxy.

You told me that's a, it's a horror podcast. It's about camp pain.

Yes, it's called Camp Pain. It's my like a C-movie horror podcast where I do a narrative podcast and I play all of the characters and Alan Alda may make an appearance in there somewhere.

And I have a sketch show called Emerald City Bank and Trust that goes up at Second City the last two weekends in November and the first weekend of December on a Saturday and I'll post about that on my Instagram and my Twitter maybe at Erin Keif 10 on Instagram, Erin Keif 2 on Twitter because I like to keep things confusing.

And Erin Keif 12 on Facebook.

No, 10 and 2, that's how you drive a car, right? Oh yeah! Keep your hands at Erin Keif 10 and Erin Keif 2.

And Erin, when you're driving a car, what kind of dog would you like to keep your hands on?

Jupiter.

Thank you. This has been Hey Riddle Riddle, created by Adal Rifai, starring Erin Keif and John Patrick Coan, KG Snyder's indie editing, and Artie Perrins in the music. This is a HeadGum Podcast.