Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

No shit, all Sherlock, it's Hey Riddle Riddle, this is Adal Rifai. JPC.

And Erin Keif. Are we sticking to that still?

Our names?

Yeah. I would like to change mine.

I'd love to amend my name. I would like to go by Erin Keif now. Oh, yeah.

Didn't you already, you legally changed your name? Yes, I did. To Erin Keif. We know your last name was Pittman. Uh-huh. But we don't know your first name.

I never, I'll die with that secret.

Was it stupid?

Yeah, stupid Pittman was my name. I got mercilessly bullied and so I changed it.

It's just a preview of the sweet, sweet content you're going to find on this show. First name stupid. We are doing another mailbag episode where we read listener submitted riddies and puzzies. We do that anytime we have a special guest in the studio. We did that last time with Arnie Niekamp. And today we even have a more special guest.

Do you think that's going to hurt Arnie's feelings?

I hope it does. I hope it does. He is the host of a new podcast. New podcast is what we're calling podcast. We're elongating the A. Just to give it a little more regal feel, he's the host of the podcast The Empty Bowl, which you should check out. He's one of the co-hosts of My Brother, My Brother and Me, one of the co-hosts of The Adventure Zone. He also does a podcast called Sawbones, which is amazing. He's a New York Times bestselling author with the Adventure Zone graphic novel. TV show, My Brother, My Brother and Me. What am I missing? Trolls 2? Recent Trolls 2 voiceover acting?

Yeah, just recorded that. Just got that down. The Sawbones book in fine bookstores everywhere, October 9th.

I've pre-ordered my copy, you should do the same. And if you haven't guessed by now, it's Mr. Justin McElroy.

Hi, what an honor. Please, it's Kevin. Well Kevin, it's great to have you on the podcast.

This is Stupid and I'm Erin.

I like that of all of the hosts, the guest host is the one who committed to the bit of having the name Kevin and us three idiots stuck to our real names.

Erin, we should get a t-shirt that says I'm with Stupid that I can wear.

Justin, thank you so much for being on the show.

I'm a riddle I mean, we got through it, I guess. It distracted her, for sure. I wish it wasn't in anger. Yeah, it flipped her into a rage.

Do you and Sydney get upset at Rudy's and Pussy's? Is that something like the typical, like, these are so bad?

Um, you know, do you know this is actually like something that I know you all have experienced going into this is like you give your heart over to a good riddy or fuzzy and you just hope that it is going to be true to you and it is not going to break your heart and I wish there was some way of like there should be labels on on riddies and fuzzies like hey this one It's not going to pan out for you, I will say. This is not going to come together. We actually just did an Adventure Zone project with the Mysterious Package Company, which does these uh mailing uh stories like they mail narratives basically they have a bunch of puzzles in them and it was so nice for once to be in good hands the riddle master the puzzle master i know all the solutions yes i recorded audio for them ah i'm the king of them but yeah we love i love riddles and or puzzles

Well maybe what we'll do in this episode specifically is I'll let for any puzzy or riddy that's going to be upsetting, I'll call it a heartbreaker. So I'll be like this one's a heartbreaker. Because we have the same thing where it's like you see a, the analogy I'm going to poorly use is that you see a glint of white in the sand. I can't wait to destroy this analogy. You see a glint of white in the sand, and you start to brush it away, and you're like, okay, there's a femur. Then you see another glint, and you start to brush it away, and you're like, there's a jawbone, there's a tailbone, and you're slowly uncovering it.

Wait, I'm sorry. You brushed away a jawbone and a tailbone? Was this a dinosaur that died eating ass? Please. Of course. That's how all dinosaurs die. That's a mass extinction. Ass-tinction.

Oh, I should have said ass-tinction. No, too late. Oh, dang it. But as you're slowly uncovering the fossil in the earth, slowly unearthing it and desanding it, then at the very end you think you have the full picture in view and then suddenly it just all turns to goo. That analogy went nowhere.

I thought it was pretty good. I got it. There's the first puzzle.

I've given myself a riddle lobotomy and I just feel nothing. I just know they're going to break my heart. Then I'm like, no, forget it. You can't hurt me because you can't get close to me.

I'll never love another riddle. Here we go, let's go ahead and start. This first one is from Marty Piper. Marty sent us a writty that says, there is one word in the English language that when you add an S it becomes plural and when you add another S it becomes singular again. What is it? So not so much as a fuzzy or writty as an English lesson.

Yeah, not so much fun as it is trying to pick one word out of the entire English language.

So guys, let's simplify. Let's make this an abattoir to scroll down. Think of all the words in the English language. Got it. Add an S, now add another S. Sassafrases.

The answer is viper because if you had one S you have vipers and if you had two S's you have vipers. Correct? I'll take my check. So one S and it's singular, two S's and it's plural.

No, no, no. You add one S, so it's a word with no S in it. Are you sure? I'm sure. Okay. There's no S in the word. Then you add one S and it becomes plural. You add a second S and it becomes singular again.

Does one of the S's go at the beginning or the end?

They're both at the end. Justin, did you say you got it?

Yeah, it's knipe, N-I-P-E. You add one S, it's knipes, which is plural. Add another S, it's snipes. There's only one, Wesley Snipes.

I always bet on black. Okay, so Justin got that one, he gets the point.

We are, this is Who's Line Is It Anyway style keeping track, so you get one point. I'll give you a hint and then we'll move on. Okay. The hint is spin doctors.

I was born in the early 90s.

Then you would nail this. The word is two.

Twos and stws.

Prince. Yeah, prince.

The word is prince. You add an s it becomes princes. You add two s's it becomes princess. Dang it. Erin still looks deeply confused.

I know, I'm just mad.

Erin, the Spin Doctors were a band from the 90s, 2000s that had a song called Two Princes.

And it went, I'm the one who wants a bit of bitty with you, something like that.

Yeah, I'm the one who wants a bit of bitty with you.

I don't think so.

When two princes stand before you, just go ahead now.

I know that. That's the words. Erin and I sang the same words.

It's a song that should be called Just Go Ahead Now, but was miraculously called Two Princes.

That was in every movie for a while. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, for sure. It still is if there's like a flashback scene in a movie, like that's the song that cues you into it's the 90s.

Early 2000s, maybe late 90s, who knows. Here's one that's a little bit of fun. It's not a lot of fun. It's a little bit of fun. This is from Taylor Mushtaire.

I'm sorry, the last name is Mushtaire? I think so. Are you looking at a picture of a person named Taylor?

Don't make fun of them.

They're a fan. Is that the rule? Taylor says, Suzy works as a butcher's assistant. She is six feet tall and wears size eight shoes. What does she weigh? I know this one.

Is it meat?

It is meat.

Yeah.

Just a fun little jaunt.

It's fun because it kind of sets you up to guess a woman's weight, which is a cool trap. Which is a cool trap to put people in.

This is from Brando Ochoa. A man throws his stick across the river. It doesn't say a stick, it says his stick. A man throws his stick across the river and his dog goes to retrieve it on the opposite bank. The dog returned only a few minutes later. How is it possible that the dog returned dry? A man throws his stick across the river. The dog goes to retrieve it on the opposite bank. The dog returned only a few moments later. How is it possible this dog returned dry?

Okay, so are we saying that the dog did not stop at a bar on the way back and get liquored up? He didn't fall off the wagon. Wow. Kudos to the dog. Five years. I assume.

He got his token.

Is it Canoe Dog? The dog with a canoe? You have to tell me if it's Canoe Dog. Legally.

If it was Canoe Dog, I would have fucking said it's Canoe Dog.

The classic fable of Canoe Dog.

We all love Sunday paper morning cartoon. Canoe Dog.

Old Man Puzzles, are we allowed to ask some questions to this? Because I feel like there's one burning question that would simplify this whole thing.

I'll answer some yes or no.

Is there a bridge involved in this? No. Okay.

Is the bank a bank where you get money?

No. Oh. Can you read the exact text? I would like to ask some specific wording questions.

A man throws his stick across the river. His dog goes to retrieve it on the opposite bank. The dog returned only a few moments later. How is it possible that the dog returned dry?

The dog didn't have the stick.

Nope. The dog got the stick. Well then why doesn't it say it in the riddle? That's insane.

JPC, you're getting your heart broken again.

Here's what I'll say. Based on all the goofs and gags we've had so far, all the giggles and bits we've had, Justin is the closest with Canoe Dog. Interesting.

I can't believe he's the closest with Canoe Dog.

This is a dumb riddle and I'm out.

The specific wording of, he threw his stick, reminds me, I was driving in the car with a friend once, and he was driving, there was a van full of people, we were driving to a gig, and he saw a dog walking on the street with a stick in his mouth, and he said, look at that dog and his stick. But everyone in the car heard, look at that dog and his dick. And we all thought, what? Why would you point that out?

Everyone has their own point of view. Let's do this. While we're pondering this. Pond!

That's the answer.

Are you giving us a clue? Oh no, I ruined it. I pooched the deal. Justin, do you mind doing a little bit of role playing? You picked the wrong podcast if you minded doing roleplay.

He sighs like I sigh when either of you say anything.

Kindred spirits.

Justin, do you mind if you do a little roleplay?

We cannot move on until we get verbal consent to do that roleplay.

Okay, I'll do roleplay.

Awesome. Justin, let's have you be this man who's, you're going to be Canoe Dog's owner, and you're training, JPC, you're going to play Canoe Dog. You're training Canoe Dog to do what Canoe Dog needs to do. So we take you to the great white north.

No, see you have to hold the paddle. Huh? Dog, you've tested my patience for the last time. Yeah, I know, you don't have thumbs. You've made it real clear over the past few months, dog. Listen, you pick up the paddle. Okay. You waltz. I swear to God, Richard. Oh, I'm sorry. Richard, I swear to God. I'm listening, I'm listening. What the hell? Why am I wasting my time with canoes? This dog can talk! Everybody! Wait! Shh! Shh!

You! Right in your goddamn mouth!

Nobody can know that I can talk. Hey, neighbor, were you yelling something? My dog doesn't do anything.

I heard word that your dog can talk.

Was that you kicking back a thing of whiskey? And scene.

The funniest part of that is a dog named Richard.

The perfect crowd.

Dogs with people names.

I love, Justin, that you shouted, my dog can talk. And then the moment there's interest, my dog can't do anything.

Well, he threatened my life.

No, I didn't. You were right. No, you were right.

OK, good. I knew there was an answer to the improv.

No, you nailed it. As with improv, there is a right and wrong answer.

So any thoughts on what the answer to this puzzle is?

This is stupid, but all riddles are stupid. Is there water in the river? I mean, I know it would be a valley probably otherwise, but there's water in the river, right?

Um, there is water, but... It's ice.

It's ice.

It's ice.

Oh, nice. You got me there.

Nice. It's Canada. The river was frozen. I like that they can't even just say the river was frozen.

You actually hinted to that to the north.

Yeah. I blew it several times. Oh, and this stick is a stick of dynamite because they're ice fishing. And the dog grabbed the lit dynamite and blew up. Oh, okay. Very good, Riddle. And I get it now. Good boy, Richard. Adal, I can't believe you passed up an opportunity to play a dog. I've done a thousand improv shows with you and I've never not seen you play a dog who could talk.

My go-to character, Justin, in improv is like an asshole dog who usually pulls out a cigarette and starts to smoke it.

I love that. A lot of attitude, it sounds like.

Oh, a ton of attitude. And also, I think last episode or a few episodes ago, we decided that our mascot for the podcast is going to be Ritty Kitty, who's a kitty who puts on human clothes and joined the workforce. But I feel like Canoe Dog is an equally good mascot.

Yeah, someone please draw a canoe dog.

And if the Riddie Kitty episode hasn't come out, just a peek behind the curtain. The way that we select episodes is we take them all, we jumble them up in our hands, we throw them up in the air, and then we all scramble for which one we post online first.

That's how I test out Riddies. I throw them against the wall, and if they stick like spaghetti, they're cooked. Here we go, this one's from Autumn. Autumn says, and this is going to be a bit of a longer one, so hold on to your butts.

I hope it's a long Autumn, you know what I'm saying?

Please don't. It's been a hard summer for me, personally. There is a green glass door. Only certain things can go through the door. Here is a list of things that can go through the green glass door.

I'm vetoing this riddle.

Hold on, if this is a riddle that's going to require me to write something down, I'm already out. Should we write this down? Is it going to be worth writing down?

No, I think we can mentally catch it with our mental net here. Okay, well you think we can. Justin, your veto cannot go through the door. Here's what can go through a door. A llama, a ball, feet, grass, a goose, Minnesota, Root beer. Here's a list of things that cannot go through the door. A mouse, people, hand, dirt, duck, Texas, and soda.

I think I know.

A puppy can go through, but not a dog.

I think I know.

A kitten can go through, but not a cat.

A poop can go through, but not a shit.

Double letters, double letters, baby. Is it double letters?

Have you guys heard the new Justin Bieber? It is not what you'd expect.

A lot more sort of like Schoolhouse Rock inspired.

That's double letters, yeah. Is the answer double letters, Adal?

It was. It didn't take as long as I thought it would.

Are you mad? Adal's mad that we didn't struggle with that.

No, I thought we'd just have fun with it, but we didn't.

I also think that might just be his face.

I have, no, so many people come up to me and are like, is everything okay? And I'm like, no, this is just how my face looks because my eyebrows are kind of like furrowed.

Yeah, but you told me you do pluck those to be specifically like that, correct? Yeah, I want to look like Christian Slater. And you had those eyebrow tattoos?

People always think I'm sick. I remember once in high school, I went to the nurse to get band-aids for my class and the nurse was like, lie down. You're going to fall over at any moment. You look like you're going to faint. I'm like, this is just my, this is just my face. I just look like I have the flu all the time.

I remember specifically walking in Chicago and a guy was walking near me and he apologized to me. And I was like, oh, I must look very mean and angry.

Justin, I feel like you have one of the more jovial faces of all time. Do people, do random people just like walk up to you? Cause you look, you always look so open and happy.

Yeah. No. I mean no. No. No. I'd love to lean in here but probably not. I mean I'm just a guy on earth. We're all here on earth. People are I think just the usual amount of friendly to me. I would say just like the regular amount. The people here are friendly though in my hometown here in Huntington West Virginia. Everyone is so open and warm that it's just hugs. You know you can't pass somebody without hugging them.

Does everyone know everybody in Huntington?

It's a town of like 50,000 people, so not really, but it is the kind of place where people say that. But they don't actually mean it. That probably provides enough color.

I'm just asking the question that was on the blue card, Justin. You sent it in. Clearly, you wanted me to ask you. You gave us the pre-approved questions. Don't treat me like the asshole. I feel like whenever I go to visit my mom, who lives in central Illinois, she lives in Kiwani, Illinois, which is like 14,000 people. She'll be like, what's new in Chicago? And I'm like, not much. And then I'm like, what's new in Kiwani? And she's like, well, the Tanzillas had a break-in, and then they found that the Cervantes boy was there. And she'll go through every single family in town and tell me their business.

The sad thing is, Huntington may very well be like that, maybe when I was younger, or perhaps for my parents. I work on the internet, and nobody here knows what I do or understands it really, so other people may be like that. People on the outside may be like, do you ever hear anything about Justin McElroy? I don't know, he disappeared. Nobody ever goes in, nobody ever comes out. I haven't seen him for a decade.

Justin McElroy burned down a hundred years ago.

He's been on the missing person bulletin board at the police station.

This is from, I'm gonna say this incorrectly and I do apologize, from Louie Huson. Louie Huson writes, and I feel like this is a good one, this is our first non-heartbreaker I'll say. Okay cool. This says, a boy is given two medals that once belonged to his veteran grandfather. One medal is a medal of honor given for his service and bravery in World War I. The other is a medal of honor given for his service and bravery in World War II. The boy later goes to a pawn shop to see how much the medals would be worth. The man at the shop tells the boy, You know, you get an heirloom, you want to flip it. You're always flipping heirlooms. The man at the shop tells the boy that even without an expert present, he can tell that one of the medals is a fake. Which medal is a fake and why? Okay, so there's a medal from World War I. It's for service and bravery in World War I, and the other one is for service and bravery in World War II.

Which war were people less brave in?

Well, there was no bravery in World War II. It was historically a war for cowards. Justin, you have it?

Yeah, I have it, but is there any other jokes? Should we do jokes? I don't have it. Do you have it?

I do not. I do not have it. So we should take some time to make sure we get all the good jokes out there.

Yeah. Just like, I'll just put it in my little card here. Like, definitely know it right now. Stop the timer. I've got it. I'm going to sit on it for a few more jokes. So Justin does get the point for this one.

He's his grandfather? It's his grandfather, yeah.

Okay, Erin, so let's think about this historically. We're both students of history. World War I, that was around... Rats in trenches. Rats in trenches.

Rats in trenches. Stopping the fighting for one night to sing Silent Night.

That I think was both wars. I think they did that in World War II as well.

I don't think so.

Okay, never mind.

I thought they stopped to celebrate Christmas. They stopped to just sing Silent Night. Yeah.

Yeah, it was mid-March. Erin, can we do a quick... Not the season, the March. They were marching and they stopped.

Erin, can you do a quick rundown of all the wars you know?

Sure, the one where Abigail Adams watched from a hill.

And list them all as if they're Friends episodes.

The one with Abigail Adams watching from a hill. The one where cousins were fighting cousins and brothers were fighting brothers. The one that was in 1812. The one with the Trenches and the Rats and Silent Night. The one where we won! And then that guy kissed that girl in New York City on the last day. Yeah, Hitler kissed Eva Braun in New York City.

And then blew both their brains out.

And then the one where all the hippies were pissed. And then they get sadder because they're closer.

Yeah, like Captain America versus Tony Stark.

Yeah.

It's like, why are they fighting their best friends?

The Iraq one. The other Iraq one.

And the one with Alan Alda.

And the one with Alan Alda.

And World War Z. Yes, that's all the wars.

These days when World War II ended, everybody looked at each other like, well, that was the last fun one. They're all going to be real bummers after this. But we all had a hell of a good time out here today, didn't we folks?

We had a blast, and our sons are going to die in the middle of Vietnam.

I don't know. I think everyone was secretly wishing that the Nazis would come back one more time. And hey, we might get our wish, right guys?

We'll follow the old man wherever he wants to go.

Okay, so let's see a quick roleplay. Let's see. Let's have, who does the best German accent here?

Oh Lord. I cannot. Adal, you must do the best German accent here. Okay. No one would say it if you didn't have it.

So Justin and I are going to be German soldiers in World War II. Wait, what? And then JPC and Erin are going to be the Allied forces, you're going to be Americans. And this is where we're going to take a break, a brief pause to celebrate Christmas. A break. So this is the negotiations to cease war, cease fire, to celebrate Christmas.

Gotcha. Okay, I can start. And anyway, they let me into the army, even though I'm from America. I wanted to fight for you guys.

That is crazy.

Yeah, it was, you know, I'm kind of a maverick, I guess you could say.

I guess we will call you Maverick. You know, the other day, Maverick, people were saying you do the best German impression. Bumf set. I'm bumf setting you for a spike.

Pardon me, Sergeant Keif. I just wanted to thank you for letting me, a German traitor, into the American army. It's very kind of you to do such a thing, and I do hate my home country and all the nuts and stuff.

Well, we lost one American, and eye for an eye.

Ah yes, the exchange program has always been a very good point of pride in Germany.

Wait a minute, what day is today?

Why, it's Christmas Day!

Wait, wait, little boy! What day is today? Why, it's Christmas Eve!

Oh, never mind, it's Christmas Eve. Why, it's Christmas Day! Oh, good. Blammed it, boy's head exploded. Well, that's, I mean, no point sugarcoating it.

I've killed your little boy servant.

Class?

When two princes stand before you

You shot me, Sergeant Keif!

Aw, nine!

Nine shots! You shot my friend nine times. Also, I knew you weren't German because when you held up the okay sign.

And scene. Okay, so I think I have the answer. The answer has to do with metal. All of the metal was boiled down in World War I to make tanks and bombs.

It's all plastic.

So it was all plastic back then. So a metal metal would be a dead giveaway. I don't have the answer.

That's where we get the phrase, worth its salt.

They wouldn't have known that it was the first World War after they fought it. Oh, it was the Great War. That's exactly right.

Oh, my body of proof.

I knew that.

Yep.

During World War I, they did not call it World War I. And I took AP European History and did okay. And yet?

I actually only got that because I once did an Encyclopedia Brown mystery where the first Battle of Bull Run was inscribed on a saber. that Encyclopedia Brown figured out was a fake because they would have known it was the first battle of Bull Run.

First battle of Bull Run, wow. That's good. And I didn't get it because I'm an idiot and I don't know the answer to most of these riddles.

Just so everyone's clear with the reasoning. I just don't want it to seem like I figured it out. I've encountered this puzzle's brother before and I... So, we give the point on this one to Encyclopedia Brown.

Right. Donald J. Lobel.

This one is from David McGuff. I feel like this one's pretty good. The crime dog? McGuff, take a take a bite out of pussies. A man and his wife raced through the streets. This isn't, it doesn't say, but it's in a car. A man and his wife raced through the streets in a car. They stopped and the husband got out of the car. When he returned, his wife was dead and there was a stranger in the car. All the windows were rolled up, the doors were locked, it was not a convertible, and there was blood everywhere. What happened?

Oh my God.

A man and his wife are racing in cars, separate cars.

No, they're in one car. The man and his wife race through the streets in a car. They stopped and the husband got out of the car. When he returned, his wife was dead and there was a stranger in the car. The doors were locked, the windows were rolled up, it was not a convertible, there was blood present. What happened?

I think I know the answer, but I have to ask a question that I think I know the answer to. Is the wife a dog?

Uh, no.

The wife is dead though?

I have no clue.

I have no clue. I very much enjoy on this program how frequently, and it's pretty much every riddle, Adal will read the riddle and then almost immediately repeat the riddle as if to acknowledge that everybody's brain is like, I'm not listening. I'll be back when he's done.

I feel like every riddle has these like one key word in there that you really have to like go back and pay attention to.

Justin, if you were in studio, you could see that every time I talk, JPC and Erin's, their eyes glaze over like great white sharks.

And then they don't stop moving.

A little thought bubble of a mouse drinking horchata.

A couple of things I would like to say. I think I know the answer, but also so many riddles have women dying in them.

Oh yeah.

It's just a quick reminder that a lot of people have written riddles with women dying, but also did she have a baby?

Also, let me see, did I say who wrote this one?

It's David McGuff. I met him in Chicago. He came to a show, I think a World News show maybe, or Devil's Daughter show.

Oh, there you go. Justin, any thoughts? Any inkling?

I feel like Erin got it.

She had a baby?

That's right.

Yeah, he's racing. Did she die though?

Racing to the hospital.

The wife was about to have a baby. The husband and wife drove to the hospital. The husband left to get a wheelchair, but the baby was born in the meantime.

But the wife died?

Yeah, I guess we could still do that Pussy and the Wife Lived.

Yeah. You know, people die. Yeah, for sure. No argument.

We tackle... Okay, so Erin is very right. It shouldn't always be women that die. We should be killing an equal number of men on this podcast. And the older and whiter they are, the better. But I do think that death is not something that we will run away from. We will tackle the hard topics on Hey Riddle Riddle.

I don't like to think about it.

That's true.

I feel like the only reason the wife is dead is so your answer can't be, I don't know, just ask her. Right? It's very mysterious because all the clues have been extinguished.

But we could still find a way around it by saying the husband and wife were in a huge fight.

Yeah, but if it's a husband and a wife, they're going to be in a huge fight. I mean, I remember what it was like in my house.

In the relationship. Well, let's go ahead and take a quick break and we'll be right back with more Putties and Riddies. Hey Erin, you're a pretty unique person, would you agree?

Yeah, I'm pretty and unique.

You're unique.

Okay.

Or are you nitty? Yeah. What do you sleep on?

Sometimes it's just like a bunch of newspapers stacked on top of each other of like when I've been in the news and sometimes it's JPC.

That's a pretty thin pile of newspapers. Local girl falls downstairs. What? I said local girl falls downstairs. Does it on purpose, goes to jail. Well Erin because of your unique pretty makeup, I don't know how to phrase this, you should be sleeping on the Helix mattress that JPC and I got you.

Yeah, yeah, I mean we know that sometimes people have been like don't sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, but they mean don't side sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, don't hot sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, because we know that everybody sleeps different. Well the Helix Sleep Mattress is designed for people who sleep in a variety of different ways.

And you can take a quiz. And it's not the type of quiz that you can fail, so don't worry about that. I worry about that. But it's just a quiz to get to know what kind of sleeper you are.

You took the Helix Sleep quiz, Erin, and you got a don't sleep, right?

The first F ever.

You can find that quiz at helixsleep.com slash riddle. It only takes two minutes, and it's going to match your specific makeup to a mattress that's right for you.

Yeah that's why they call it helix sleep because it relies on double helix so you just enter your DNA into the quiz and then it tells you what kind of mattress is your soulmate basically.

And it tells you what kind of mattresses your ancestors slept on. I mean you'll see that in your dreams.

Yeah that'll be something that they don't promise that but that is something that comes in most people's dreams.

And they have a 10-year warranty and you get to try it for a hundred nights risk-free.

They have a 10-year warranty?

Warren G. Yeah, 10-year Warren G. And 100 nights risk-free.

There is a little loophole here because they say 100 nights, but you also get the 100 days as well.

Oh, do you?

So you can sleep in the mattress 24 hours a day for 100 days.

And for me specifically, for Adal Rifai, those are Arabian days and Arabian nights. That's true. All 100.

And that's not something any of the rest of us feel comfortable saying.

And if you sleep next to a partner, half the mattress can be for you, and the other half of the mattress could be for your partner.

Or, you know, you could do three quarters. Just with sprawl. With arms and legs. But right now, Helix is offering up to $125 off all mattress orders. That's $125 off. To get your $125 off at helixsleep.com slash riddle. That's helixsleep.com slash riddle for up to $125 off your mattress order. Don't sleep on this deal. That's not theirs. That's mine.

I guess the way I sleep is I clutch a pillow and I kiss it.

Yeah, I do the same thing but the pillow's in between my legs.

How I sleep is, you know when you get someone in that choke hold with your leg?

Oh, like Xena did for James Bond in that movie?

Exactly. Eye squeeze? Yeah, that's what my blankets do to me.

That's HelixSleep.com slash Riddle. Of course on the pillow I write, not a pillow. So when I kiss it, it makes sense.

Naturally, you're pretty unique.

HelixSleep.com. Slash Riddle!

And now back to Hey Riddle Riddle. I'm sorry, Hey Riddy Riddy.

And we're back. Our next riddle here is from Michelle R. Wilson, the last name is Riddle. Or her name is Michelle-er. Oh, I'm so sorry. There's no space between the E and the R. Her name is Michelle-er. The most beautiful word in the English language, Michelle-er door.

The only way to make that singular is to add an S, but if you add two, it makes it plural.

We're done here. A man is writing a letter. The power goes out, and then he dies. Why did he die?

He was writing a prayer to God, and God didn't hear him.

Oh, you're so close on that. Weirdly so close.

Could you read it again? I was thinking about that mouth streaking. Of course. I love horchata, it's the best trick. Someone draw that too.

That's Justin Bieber's new single. Horchata. A man is writing a letter, the power goes out, and then he dies. Why did he die?

The letter that he was writing was the final R in the word murder.

No, but you're not, you're not.

Justin, do you know?

Yes, I know this one. I've heard it many times. He was writing a letter to the power company to request that they turn his power, that they not shut his power off.

Dear Power Company, I hope this letter finds you well.

I implore you. To whom it may concern. To answer your obvious question, no, I still have not paid my outstanding balance.

But I want to appeal to your humanity, Power Company.

Yes, again. I realize it's been several years.

The man was Dr. Frankenstein. Yes. The letter he was writing was to his monster. I don't have an ending for this.

Just keep talking till you find it, bud.

I usually do. Erin, do you have an inkling to this?

No freaking idea.

You can ask me some yes or no questions if you like. Um, is the recipient, is the person who was writing the letter too important? No. Really? No. Okay.

Is the activity important? The fact that he was writing a letter in the first place?

It's not, it's not important he was writing a letter. It's how he was writing it that's important.

He was writing a letter, the power went out and then came back on and he died?

Uh, no. Once the power goes out, it's out.

He wasn't writing like a traditional piece of paper. No. Okay.

Was he writing with a piece of, like a typewriter, a piece of technology?

He's writing with a piece of technology, but not a typewriter or computer.

is he writing with a pen and the power goes out and he keeps writing and he doesn't know the paper has stopped and he keeps writing and he's writing on his leg and he gives himself ink poisoning and he dies.

That's what it is.

That's what it is.

So that's how most of these teens are dying nowadays is from the ink poisoning.

So he's huffing on a jewel. He's going crazy on it while he's writing his letter, right?

This kid's smoking a big Tide Pod.

He's eating some Pad Tide Pod.

Okay, so he's, is he underwater?

No. Is he in space?

Close. So he's in the, what's the layer between earth and space?

I feel like is he in space is one of those that has to be clarified.

Is he on the moon? No.

Too far off.

Too far off. Is he in the clouds? Yes. Cumulonimbus? Yes. Stratiolumnibus?

Airplane.

Yeah. He's skywriting. He's skywriting. Yes, and the power goes out.

He's in a plane, the power goes out, and he crashes. He was writing a letter in the sky.

And it doesn't matter that he was asking Susie to marry him?

No, that does not matter.

That's over the top.

She would have said no. She was a hard no. She's kissing some Navy guy in Times Square.

Public proposals like that are humiliating.

Is that true?

Public proposals? One, skywriting is never a good idea for a proposal. I'm hurting someone's feelings by saying this. Do what you're going to do. Be specific to your partner.

If that's the case, then Erin and I have a question.

Oh no, no, no, no.

I'm

Who's the person that you're going to give credit to? Well, I'm going to pass up the list. Erin, here's your list of your names and here's mine.

So the person that I'm using their email, this is Darby Fackler, which sounds made up, but it's true.

And Crenshaw McGibbons. I got Hunk Dibley.

Chance Lacroix, Smit Peppers.

Mine just says JPC over JPC. Why did you submit this riddle so many times? Will you marry me? No! Okay, fine, cool.

Got one here, Torrential Smoot. Better that way.

Here's one, it's a podcast microphone, coffee table, wallet, keys, spinny chair, water cooler.

My name. Your name.

Thank you everyone who submitted this riddle. Please never submit it again.

A man lives on the 66th floor of an apartment building. When he goes to work on sunny days, he takes the elevator all the way to the ground floor. When he comes home, he rides the elevator to the 36th floor, then takes the stairs the rest of the way up to his apartment. But on rainy days, he rides the elevator all the way down when he leaves for work, and all the way up to the 66th floor when he comes home. Why can he ride the elevator all the way up on rainy days, but not on sunny days? He's a fish. He's a fish. The main's a fish. What's to be done? No, Michael Palin, I'm so sorry to say that's wrong. And thank you for popping in for one line.

He's a mermaid. No. He's a merman. Yes. I know the answer, so I'm going to keep doing bullshit.

I actually don't know it. I've never heard this.

Jessen, you heard this one?

I don't want to say yes because that's like puts Aaron into the least fun podcasting situation in recorded history.

Well, that's what always happens to me.

Justin, that's not true. Arnie currently holds that belt. So it'll be pretty hard for you to take it from Arnie. Um, yeah, I, I, I, yeah.

All right. Well, I'm alone here and I'm going to figure it out.

Okay, Aaron, I'm going to give you a hint. On rainy days, he has an umbrella with him. That's not a hint. That's the whole riddle.

Let me say it because I figured it out okay I got it a little bit without your hint so he's a short and he can't reach the number

Real quick, did you say he's a short?

He's one of those short people. And he can't reach the number 66 without a long umbrella. But he's stupid. He should just bring his umbrella every day.

Yeah, bring your umbrella every day. If that's the solution to walk up like 30 flights of stairs, just carry the umbrella.

So the answer is he's a short. He can reach the ground level button when he leaves for work, but can only reach the 36th floor button when returning. When it rains, he can use an umbrella to hit the 66th floor.

I'm so confused. His building doesn't have an elevator operator? What kind of building is he living in? He's a poor. He's not a poor and a short.

A poor and a short? I was worried because I felt like we were poking fun at him for being short and I was about to put in a PSA. that like we weren't doing that but now that I know he's poor I feel like we should really open up. We have a hard rule in this show.

Pretty good. Can we do some role-playing to see Justin why don't you play the front desk at this apartment complex?

Perfect. Can he play a human that works at the front desk or do we have to make Justin play a front desk?

My name is Desko.

Justin will be the front desk. JPC, you'll be the person working the front desk. And then Erin, you'll be a kid trying to pose as someone who lives there, but you live on the 69th floor.

Excellent. 69th floor. Very cool.

Just for fun.

My name is Desko 7000. How would you like to interact with your residents today?

Desko, I already told you I'm not leaving my wife for you.

Please, think about it. I have so many.

I have thought about it, and I love your ports, but it's just... Excuse me, I'm a gentleman, I certainly work at a bank, and I fired a lot of good men today. Here we go, I have a mustache and a trench coat. Off to my 69th floor I go, where I have a wife and a kid who I don't know how to connect to.

Excellent, sir. We can send you right up to the 69th floor. I just need your thumbprint for Desco to open the access port.

Uh-oh. Oh, I don't have a thumb today. What a strange coincidence. Do me a favor, kind sir. Press the button for me in the elevator. I'm a short, but I am a gentleman.

Uh, Desco, are we allowed to use my thumbprint to give a guest access to their home?

Whoa, I'm sensing a lot of sexual tension between the two of you.

Am I interrupting something? I didn't realize it was that obvious. Please present the thumb.

Okay, here's my thumb and my thumb here, Desco.

I'm too young to be watching this.

Or we could time dash 10 years in the future with Desco 7000 and the guy have a kid.

Did you guys see the Robocop reboot? He's the son of a desk and a kid. It's very boring.

They have to be partners and solve crimes? Alright, desk and kid, get into my office.

Let's do one more. Does that sound good? Yeah. And we'll make this one. This is funny. Good. Interesting. This is a heartbreaker. We got to end on a heartbreaker. Yeah. Call this Puzzy Shawn Michaels because it's going to break your heart. A man is found dead at the bottom of a mesa in the middle of a vast desert. He is completely nude and there are no footprints or tire tracks going to or from the body. He is clutching a straw in his hands. What happened? What's a mesa? Is it just a... What's a mesa you? Okay, well I walked right into that jar.

I think you're a mesa-ing.

You know Jackie Mesa, the great comedian.

He's found dead at the bottom of a mesa?

He's found dead at the bottom of a mesa in the middle of a vast desert. He's completely nude, no footprints or tire tracks going to or from, and he's clutching a straw in his hands.

Did he fall from the sky?

He did. Oh. Here's some hints. He died from falling. I guess that's hint singular.

A mesa is an isolated flat-topped hill with steep sides.

Here's another hint. He jumped willingly.

Did he jump from the top of one of the cliffs?

Nope.

So he's naked and he has a straw in his hand. Potentially doing some mescaline since he's out in the middle of the desert. And he's got a straw.

Keep in mind that it's 18 months from now when straws are our most precious resource. Someone on the plane fights him for his straw, the last one in existence. Refusing to give it up, he leaps from the plane. Wait, no, he takes off all his clothes.

So wait, Justin, literally, this is the last straw? It is indeed the last straw.

In a world where straws are money. Hey Riddle Riddle.

It's neither, it's a euphemism for his penis.

Got it.

We've all been there. No, it's like, it doesn't matter. It's a, we'll say it's a straw, like a... Drinking straw? Drinking straw.

And it doesn't matter?

It doesn't really matter. I mean, it matters, but it doesn't, what type, it doesn't matter. The length matters though, I'll say that. The length of the straw matters.

So he drew the short straw. Okay. But it's not, he didn't come from a plane?

No, but it's, that's pretty much it.

A hot air balloon? Yeah, I think I might, maybe I've heard this one before somewhere.

Buckle in, fuckos. Here's the answer.

Why is everyone naked in a hot air balloon?

I believe the phrase is, fuckle in, buckos. Fuckle in, buckos. The man was with others in a hot air balloon crossing the desert. The balloon began to lose air and sink, so they threw everything overboard, including their clothes, to lighten the load. That wasn't enough, and they realized they would have to draw straws to decide who would sacrifice themselves and jump out saving the rest. Okay. That means a hero.

I want to see a scene. It's also a short. I want to see a scene. Adal, Erin, and Justin, you're all in a hot air balloon. You're at the end of this. You've already dumped all of your clothes, so you're all completely naked, and you're trying to figure out how you can save your lives so you don't crash in the desert.

Oh, we're in quite a piddle, aren't we?

Hmm. Oh, I sort of had a thought, a random thought.

Oh, please. Eleanor, please put it out.

I feel like three's a lot.

Three's company.

And what if, call me crazy, one of us got the hell out of Dodge?

I love it. I love it. Daniel?

Well, I think I could live with that, literally. Because, can I ask you something, Gregory? Indeed. I don't mean to be insensitive, but certain people talk, and I've heard rumor that your father is a Desco 7000. Therefore, you're clearly the heaviest, and you need to go. Let's go around and say, I know you're a woman, but can I ask what you weigh?

Well, I'm six foot tall and I wear a size 8 shoe.

You know what, this is awkward enough, I'm gonna jump. This has actually gotten weird enough, I'm just gonna jump. This is uncomfortable, I'm jumping. Thanks. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Okay, wait, give me the straw. Bye!

Oh, he took the crazy straw.

Why would he hold on to the... We're not going to throw out the iced coffees, they're all empty.

It's actually no way, and it's worse for the environment.

Here's what I love is that they threw out their clothes, but they didn't throw out the straws that they eventually used.

And I'm sorry, again, is this how hot air balloons work? I never really think of like, it seems like they would just kind of like, like worst case scenario, you would gradually sort of like drift to the ground like that.

Well, so I guess they're in the middle of the desert and they don't want to be stranded in the desert, but also hot air balloons are not for transit. Like you're not using it to like get to a place.

That's how I got to school every day.

So, Erin, you lived in a dream growing up, right?

Yeah, I lived in a dream. And my teeth fell out every day, and my legs were water.

Here's the thing though, how do you not, before you, you know, have a person jump out, how do you not all hang off the side and take huge craps? And why wasn't that part of the riddle? I think the riddle should read, he's alone in the desert, no tire tracks or anything, there's a big pile of clothes, a big pile of crap.

Here's what I'll say.

I can't do that when other people are watching. We'd all turn around. But I feel like I get it. I'd rather someone die than have like a gradual 10 hour descent.

No, that's not what the riddle's like. The riddle's like they'd land in the desert and all die of like starvation, but if they keep going they can get to a place.

Maybe.

And hot ambulance are the fastest way to travel.

Is this based on a true story?

Yes. Cool.

Yeah, this is based on the Titanic.

Justin, thank you so much for being on the show.

It's a genuine pleasure. You got a great show here.

Thank you so much. We're big, big fans of all you do, so thank you for taking the time. It means a lot to us. Anything that you want to put out there into the ether?

I still just want to circle back to bit.ly forward slash the Sawbones book. You could pre-order it, or if this has come out after October 9th, just buy it. It's a good book, and it was hard to write because I have a lot of kids.

I most likely will come out after October 9th, so please go just buy the book. Buy a bunch of copies.

Buy a bunch of copies. JPC, anything to plug?

Yeah, I think we're in October now, so you can listen to the campaign podcast. We just wrapped our Star Wars saga of the campaign podcast. And we are on our new saga, so please give that a listen if you like actual play podcasts. Which, if you're listening to this, you might like actual play podcasts.

Erin? Follow me at Erin Keif 2 on Twitter, and I'll plug all my shows there.

Don't forget, when you say follow me, you have to say it like Uncle Cracker does.

And you still don't know the song, correct?

No, I still don't know it. This is the last time you check.

You can email us at hrrpodcasts at gmail.com. You can follow us on Twitter at Hey Riddle Riddle and Instagram at Hey Riddle Riddle. We also have a Facebook group. And for me, Adal, you can check out my other podcast, Love from the Magic Tavern. Check it out. Have a good time. And Erin, what's your favorite J word?

Jupiter?

There it is. Awesome.

This has been Hey Riddle Riddle, created by Adal Rifai. Starring Erin Keif and John Patrick Coan, Katie Snyder did the editing, and Arnie Perrin did the music. Logo created by Emily Cardenas and Emily Navarez.

Back to Three Men and a Riddle Lady. That was a HeadGum podcast.