Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

Welcome to Hey Riddle Riddle, I'm Adal Rifai. I'm JPC.

And I'm Erin Keif.

And we're your premier podcast for riddies and puzzies. How are we all doing today?

I'm so glad you asked. I'm doing awful. How long do you have? Just kidding. Wouldn't that be funny?

Sounds good, JPC. And I'm Erin Keif.

Erin, I wanted to ask you, how are you doing today?

Oh, I'm pretty awful. How much time do you have?

Remember listeners, use the hashtag Keifinitreal. I don't care what the context is. You're promoting your own thing. You want to send Erin some praise. Erin Keif deserves the hashtag Keifinitreal.

But please don't spell my name wrong. It's K-E-I-F not K-I-E-F-E-I.

That's a suggestion. Spell it how you want.

No, no, no. Like E-I-E-I-O-K-E-I-F.

And when we said sending Erin some praise, we meant P-R-A-Y-S. That's right, pray to Erin, she's your new god. She's the god of comedy, and she's a podcasting god.

And her favorite movie is Keif and the Faith. It's Edward Norton and Ben Stiller as a rabbi and a priest, and boy oh boy.

Does that exist?

Oh yeah, Keif and the Faith?

Oh, I thought her favorite movie was Keif Pray Love.

Let's just do this for the whole episode. Eat, Pray, Keef. You guys keep talking, buy some time. Let's think of something more.

Oh wait, that's what you can do is think of movies that my name fits into and then hashtag keefinitreal.

Keep the parents keefinitreal.

Keif the Parents? Is that a Meet the Parents? Why don't we just do Keif the Fockers? Everyone knows that. Oh, Keif Keif Bang Bang. I actually love that movie.

Oh, that's pretty good. Dark comedy. Turn over a new Keif. Last of the Mo'Keefans. Well for today's episode JPC is going to be Old Man Puzzles.

Because I won that. So we got a new Old Man Puzzles in the Puzzle Dome and his puzzles reign supreme. So you all remember R.A.I.N.

Supreme spelled like Diana Ross, which is the same.

So you all remember how things work when JPC is the Lord of the Puzzle Dome.

You're going to be JP Riddles and we're going to hear another excerpt from Swan Bumps, Swan Lumps.

We may at some point in today's podcast hear another one of my famous, or one of, not my, I don't know the man. I have great respect for him.

You keep going to the bathroom when he comes in here, JPC. It's pretty wild.

Well, I have to jerk off because... You stay in the room, but you go to the bathroom.

It's the worst. It's a living. But yeah, we may hear from JP Riddles, a very talented author and one of his swan lumps. But before we really can get into that, we have to do what we all do when we step into the Riddle Dome, which is some old man riddles warmups. Are y'all ready for me to blow?

Weekend at Keefin's. All right.

Weekend at Keefin's is the standup winner of that round of warmup riddles. The riddle there was what sucks.

Oh, I got it. Weekend Keef Bernie. Weekend Keef Bernie.

Paddington 2, Keef. The answer to that riddle, what sucks, was everything that was just said. Are you guys ready? Here's your first warmup riddle. What has a head, a tail, is brown, and has no legs? I really like the game where you shout out an answer to a riddle before it's done.

Gotta go with the first choice, don't overthink it.

What is a head? A tail. Is brown. And has no legs.

I know.

It's the worst feeling in the world to be in this room when everyone else knows and I don't know because all I'm thinking about are the people in their cars right now shouting out the answer. Is it a book?

Yes, it's a book. You got it.

I don't know.

I don't care. You almost said I don't care.

I do care, but I'm embarrassed. You know, when you're like embarrassed, you don't know something and you lash out.

No, I'm a white man. Why would I ever know that feeling? In God's country, America? Why would I know that feeling?

Here, Erin.

I'm God now. Remember that. Oh, that's true. Oh, no.

I'll give you a hint. Maybe this is wrong. I believe it's the name of Inspector Gadget's daughter.

What year do you think I was born?

You tried to help her and she burned your ass so bad. Honestly, don't know it then.

Daughter? He has a daughter?

Yeah, Inspector Gadget has a daughter. But he's married to a job. Most things are robotic, but one thing still works. His job. His sense of detective. It's a penny.

The answer is it's a penny.

Oh, okay. All right.

That's also what his daughter's named.

I feel like we could have, you could have done, there's some other references with Penny in it.

The reason I was caught up on that, because I was like, I think that's Inspector Gadget's daughter, but then they also, in between Saturday morning cartoons, they used to have that claymation girl who had pennies for eyes. Do you remember that?

That's terrifying.

And so I was like, what? Do you remember that?

No, this sounds like a nightmare to me.

During Saturday morning cartoons, there was like a claymation girl with pigtails, and she would talk and like... Was she telling you to kill your family? It was mostly like, go into your parents' bedroom, find their valuables, kill your family.

Hi Adam, it's me. Happy Saturday.

But she had pennies for eyes, and I feel like she would just show up in between. So they'd do that thing where it's like, after these messages, we'll be right back.

Why are your eyes closed when you're telling us this story?

Because I have to savor the memory.

What were some of the cartoons that you'd watch? What was that interrupting?

Oh, Darkwing Duck, we're talking Eek the Cat, we're talking... that's about it.

Yeah, Darkwing Duck. This pennies for eyes thing, that sounds like like Boondock Saints where you would put like pennies over the eyes of a person you were gonna like murder.

Yeah, it was that Saturday morning cartoon with Willem Dafoe. You know the scary one?

I used to watch One Saturday Morning. Did you watch that? We didn't have cable, but I got to watch Recess every Saturday.

Oh yeah, Recess. I was gonna say Recess was on One Saturday Morning.

I don't know what this is.

You go, One Saturday Morning.

Do you guys watch Snick at Night? Fuck you both.

Snick at night. What a dumbass. I used to watch Digimon. And I loved Digimon because the theme song for Digimon was, Digimon, digital monsters, Digimon are the champions.

If you don't know the theme song, don't make one up.

My favorite part about doing this podcast with you guys is that none of us respect each other. We certainly don't respect each other's time. Give us another warm up shit bird. I do have another warm up for you. You carry it everywhere you go and it does not get heavy. What is it?

Shame, guilt.

What would you say? Shame, guilt, a soul.

You carry it everywhere you go, but it doesn't get heavy?

Yeah, so this is interesting because it told me some specific things about you, Adal and Erin. Adal, you said a soul, so your soul is not burdened by anything. And Erin, you said guilt. So you've killed a person.

A person?

But it does not get heavy.

The past.

You carry it everywhere you go, and it does not get heavy. What is it? Heartbreak. I will say that this

I'll say it's gotta be those Mack Weldon sweatpants.

All right, relax. He talks about them all the time. I would like to say this, that you guys are throwing out a lot of intangible things there. It's not an intangible thing.

In our defense, it's usually an intangible thing.

I know, that's usually how riddles work. Oh, is it a fart?

Wait, no, let the silence go another 15 seconds.

Talk about silent but deadly. I did two good fart jokes back to back. Good. No, it's not a fart. You can carry it everywhere. You can carry it everywhere you go.

I did this podcast in hopes that that sentence would have been said eventually. No, it's not a fart.

No, it's not a fart, but close. You can carry it everywhere you go, and it does not get heavy. What is it?

A bus card. I'm carried everywhere you go, but it does not get heavy.

I'll give you a hint. He's not heavy Bob Dylan. He's my brother It's my brother the weight the band Take a load off fanning. No, that's not a good hint. That hint is nothing Let me try to think of um, okay, so you're both you both would like if you left here tonight You'd be carrying it with you

But it's not an intangible? Honestly, I'm taking this ready to court.

Oh, are we going into Riddlecourt? Yeah. All right, ladies and gentlemen, you're now joining us, Kevin and Susie, for a special episode of Riddlecourt. I'm your judge, Judge JPC.

Wait, I gotta announce. I'm the guy who goes. Oh. Please stand for Judge JPC.

Thank you, Bailiff Stroopwafel.

Yeah, Bailiff Stroopwafel, thank you. I am standing.

And everyone, please take your seats.

And I'm the person who types real fast.

My mom was a stenographer.

Ooh, that's not easy.

No, it's A. Trust me, my mom ain't easy. You know what I'm saying?

That's not what I thought last night.

What did you do with my mom last night? Your Honor, is this relevant? You're right. It's not relevant.

I typed it all.

Okay. Thank you, Victoria Stewart.

Your Honor, I'll be representing myself against the Ritty that ends with my hair.

Okay, and you're the defendant and the prosecution.

Jesus, catch up.

Oh, is that me? Can you be the prosecution? I wanna go home.

Your Honor, clearly the prosecution is a southern lawyer who gave up halfway through.

I'm tired and I already see where this bit is going, so I'm gonna go home.

Lawyers, please approach the bench. Okay.

I didn't wanna be one of the lawyers.

This is a beautiful park bench. Did you just fart?

I'm sorry? Yes, I did.

How do I write that down?

B-R-M-M-M-R-R-M Really?

I would say P-F-F-F-F-T. I'm taking you to court.

P-F-F-F-T? Paul F. Tompkins?

All stand, everybody rise up for Judge JPC in the spelling of farts court.

Oh no, we're going to spelling of farts court?

Can't believe this is our last episode.

Well, I can't. We had a good run and it was a bad podcast.

Good run, bad podcast. Honestly, that's going to be our final shirt. First and final shirt.

First and final shirt. Let's do another warm-up, Riddle.

David's father... Actually, this brings me to my favorite segment that we're doing for the first time. This segment is specifically because JPC is Old Man Puzzles. This segment is called Snagglepuzz, where I want you to read a puzzle in the voice of Snagglepuss.

And to get into snagglepuss, Erin, can you give me a word that I should say in a Boston accent?

Um... Keif. Keif.

Okay, I think I got it. David's father has three sons, even. Snap, Crackle, and... Pop.

David.

David, even. See, it was a bit of a misdirect, wasn't it?

In what horrible man is naming their kids Snap and Crackle?

David's father. So the riddle was taking me right, but then it ended up going... Stage left? Cha-cha.

Oh no.

My snagglepuss always ends up with a little bit of Dennis Miller doesn't it? Cha-cha.

Oh brother. If you were named... Oh brother.

Oh brother, we're out, Keif.

Oh Keif, we're Art Keif. Okay, I want to see a scene.

Donald Trump makes Vladimir Putin look like Snaggletooth's jabberjaw. Cha-cha.

I would like to see a scene and you are Snap and Crackle and you're going home for Thanksgiving and you're just venting about how David got a normal name and you two got stuck with Snap and Crackle.

Hey Crackle.

Hey Snap.

Um, you know how we're L's and we make cereal?

Yeah, I know.

Um, I feel like sometimes, you know, when I get home from work, I'm making delicious popped crisps.

Yeah, we make the crisps.

I feel like, um, I resent David. You know, because David got a normal name. Can you turn down the radio? I'm talking to you.

I'm sorry, yes. No, yeah.

I don't care if Trane is playing on the radio.

What do you want?

Turn it down.

What do you want from me, okay? Because David's a lawyer. I want to commiserate. I want to commiserate. And we make cereal and David has a wife and a house.

Shit. Put the pot away. The pot of gold. The pot of gold. Put the pot of gold away. Be cool, be cool, be cool. Put the gun in the glove box.

Excuse me.

Let me roll down the window first, officer. What seems to be the problem?

Do you know how fast you were going?

Too fast?

Too furious? Too fast for y'all.

Hashtag keeping it real. What? Keeping it real. Have you heard that?

Can I see some license and registration, please?

Our license and registration or some license and registration?

Yours.

Okay, here you go.

This is not your name.

No, it is.

This is not a real name. No, it is. No, it's my real name. You're not named Snap.

No, I am.

No, you're not.

My name's Crackle, so.

You're making this worse. No, no. Step out of the car. That's, oh. Do I smell gold? Do I smell a pot of gold?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I smell gold. No, no, no. Get out. No, no, no, no, no. Open your trunk for me, sir.

Okay, I'm just gonna open it.

Oh my God, there's a body.

I'm not dead, please. They're gonna eat me. Shut the fuck up. It's a living! It's a what?

I was going to say it's a Keefler Elf. Because you know there's beef there. A Keefler Elf. A Keefler Elf, and you know there's Keef there.

Lord of the Rings, The Fellowship of the Keef. No, Lord of the Keef, The Fellowship of the Keef.

Man, I thought for some of these we'd be overreaching, but so far so Keef.

Uh, what is it?

So keep supporting us.

This is the last of the warm-up riddles, then we get into some real hard-hitting stuff. Sure.

Wait, we do riddles on this podcast?

Sure we do. Sometimes we do, and most of the times we don't.

Do we do puzzies?

Uh, this will be a puzzy. Okay. What is it that when you take away the whole, you still have some left over?

What is it when you take away the whole, how's whole spelled?

It's just a spell.

That's not a whole song.

Yeah, I don't know any whole songs. It's W-H-O-L-E. You still have some left.

Over. When you take away the whole, how do you have some left?

S-O-M-E. What is it that when you take away the whole, you still have some left?

A heart. Nope.

Nope, Erin, this brings us back to our segment, Dead Stop.

What do you mean? You said when you take... I don't want to go to court. What is it that when you take away the whole, you still have some left and you said a heart?

Well, I just feel like even if you fully break my heart, there's still a part of it that's still going. I don't want to go to court. I'm tired and my brain is half listening half trying to think of movies to put my name into.

Typical Erin day.

Thinking about me, thinking about me all the time and it's fun and it's cheesy and it's great.

Guess who's keefing a dinner? Oh boy. Does anyone have a guess? I like that one. Some like it keef.

Does anyone have a guess? Some keep it hot. Wag the Keef, Keef the Dog. Does anyone have a guess as to what this is?

Wag Keef Dog. What?

Saving Private Keef. It's nothing. This game is nothing. What is it that when you take away the whole, you still have some left over? Can we get a hint? This one may be hard. Your hint is it's a word.

Good hint. When you take away the whole, you still have some left.

Yeah.

It's got to be H-O-L-E.

Yeah. No, it's W-H-O-L-E.

Milk. Whole milk. You still have 2% left.

Think about it literally. When you take away the whole, you still have some left over, and it's one word.

Addition. Math.

What's the word?

Whole. You still have some left. Some. Wholesome. Wholesome. Honestly, I'm taking that riddle to court.

We're busy today.

Is that the court talking? You know how when you go to court and they're busy for the day? I love the American judicial system.

There's a sign that says gone to beach.

Hey, someone ran over my sister. Honestly, oh, we busy. Court busy. Court busy.

We actually all had a slumber party last night.

Goodbye sister, court busy.

Bye, court busy.

All right, you guys ready for this riddle? Sure. This one I think is really going to be a riddle.

I don't need you to preface any of these.

Oh, and we actually have a, um, uh, a special guest, uh, to read this riddle. Oh God. And that is, uh, JP Riddles himself, uh, reading the riddle from one of his famous Swan Lumps books.

Let's gather around, let's gather around.

Let's gather around the campfire.

Well, hello there, children.

Hi, J.P. Riddles.

Oh, it's me, J.P. Riddles.

You look worse.

That's what I just said. What?

What do you mean I look worse?

You look like you've aged 20 years.

Yeah, since the last time we saw you, which was just a couple days ago.

Well, yeah, well, last time it was night and this is the day.

Have you just been eating all these Chef Birdie spaghettios?

No, these are neighborhood kids throw these in my yard. They're cold. Well, they're empty. What do you mean they're cold? It's canned.

Are you living out here?

No, I live in the house. Why would I live in the yard?

I can see one of your testicles through your shorts.

That's the way the shorts were designed.

I don't think so. Billabong doesn't make shorts like that.

Well, these are Billabong. They're Baga Bells. I can't afford Billabong.

You have Chef Boyardee all over your fingers.

Yeah, well I had to clear off the cans from the yard. Every part of this is explainable.

And why is it on the corner of your mouth?

Well, I tripped when I was cleaning it up and I rubbed, you know when you rub your finger in your mouth like you got an idea or a secret? Oh yeah. Anyway.

Is your wife that? Read the story.

Would you like to hear one of my swan lumps or not?

Yes.

Why does the town call you the worst man that's ever lived?

Okay, well, I lost one vote to have my name replaced with that, and that's what I am.

And we have a statue for R.L. Stine in the middle of town. Why don't we have a statue for you?

Oh boy. Well, you know, J.P. Riddles had a statue put up, but I guess it was deemed to be pornography by the judicial board, and I lost a court case, and so now the statue's here in my yard. And as you can see, it's covered in Chef Boyardee cans because some of the naughtier parts. Can I read my swan lump or not?

Yes, please. Why would you sculpt one testicle coming out of the shorts?

Swan lumps.

That's one of my swan lumps. All right. Okay, this is a riddle from the Cuckoo Bird's Conundrum, Swan Lumps 104.

That J.K. Rowling book?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. J.P. Riddles didn't mean to yell. This is a riddle from the Cuckoo Bird's Convention.

J.P. Riddles, J.K. Rowling. Are you related to J.K. Rowling?

What's the riddle? Let me read the riddle. They have not flesh, nor feathers, nor scales, nor bone. Yet they have fingers and thumbs of their own. Dog. It's a dog. What? Oh, it's dogs. Is it you? Wait, I got flesh and bones? Boat all night, I'll have you kids know.

Are you okay?

I'm fine. I'm full of Chef Boyardee. I'm living in my yard. I'm good.

You said you didn't eat. Oh brother.

Real quick, can you repeat I can boat all night into this tape recorder?

Alright, here's the riddle one more time.

It's from the Cuckoo Bird's Conundrum.

Swan Lumps 104 or 9. It's for both. I repeated a book. They have not flesh, nor feathers, nor scales, nor bone. Yet they have fingers and thumbs of their own. What are they?

Gloves.

It's probably gloves. Yeah, you got it. It's gloves.

It's so worth it. You happy, smart guy? That journey could have been shorter.

What's your name, smart guy?

My name is Michael.

Michael. What's your last name, Michael?

Michaelson.

Michael Michaelson, I have another little swaddle-ups for you. You ready for it?

Oh, it's not over.

Yeah, there's another one.

Why are you just raising the back of your hand?

Here's one for you, little buddy. There once was an annoying shit-bird brat. Who lived in a small town with an angry pervert. And this pervert had been kicked out of his house by a wife who hates him and so he's in his yard with his pornography statue and he's eating Chef Boyardee off the ground.

Sounds like you, Michael.

And it's not Chef Boyardee he bought in a store, mind you, it's Chef Boyardee that neighborhood boys and girls have thrown at him. But he's making He's making the best out of a bad situation. He's getting a little meal. And sure, he's cutting his fingers up pretty bad on those cans, but it makes the fingers bloody, and oh, the blood hides the pain. Anyway, this dumb, shit-burned little kid comes in and runs his mouth off, because he thinks he knows the answer to the riddle. And guess what he does? He's the smartest boy in town. But I'll tell you something this little kid doesn't know. I'm going to stab you in the heart and give you hepatitis.

Is it gloves?

It's gloves. Actually, can I hear it again?

It's 3 a.m.

Wow, thanks J.P. Riddles. I always love it when he stops by and does one of his... J.P.

see you were just in the bathroom. You missed it.

J.P.

Riddles was here.

I was just in the corner peeing on myself.

It took forever.

Well, you know what? I'm pee shy. Yeah, there's people a lot of screaming. Okay, you guys ready? Mm-hmm. Here's another riddle. This one is gonna... I would say this one is going to be so freaking hard, but I don't know the answer to it. So...

That's fine, because I've been having a lot of fun in this episode, so I'm ready to get serious.

What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away? Coffee. Oh, Jesus Christ! I don't think that that's the answer.

What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away? Yes.

Black to buy, red to use, gray to throw away. Thank you

Mmm. No. Maybe.

No.

They turn red when you cook them. That sounds right.

Is poop gray? Let me ask you guys a question. Hey, real quick. Let me ask you a question. What's going on? As women and doctors, poop can't be, it shouldn't be. If you saw some poop, you wouldn't say that's gray.

Honestly, call your doctor. Call your doctor. Ask him if poop's gray. Oh, I thought you were doing, call your doctor. Yeah, yeah. My poop is so gray. Black when you buy it. Red when you use it. Gray when you throw it away.

No country for old Keith.

A horse.

What do you buy that's black?

Tar. Black tar heroin. You shoot it up in your veins and it's red. You heat it up and it turns red.

I have a question about the wording. Black when you buy it, red when you use it?

Red when you use it. I think it's heroin. So black tar heroin, when you shoot it up you have to like mix it with your blood before you shoot it back into your arm.

Oh, I know what it is. I figured it out.

If you figured it out, can you give us a hint? The hint is this is something that you would probably buy in the summer.

Black Star Heroin.

Yep.

This is something you'd buy in the summer.

Mm-hmm.

A pool.

A sunburn.

It's a pool.

You buy a black pool, you fill it up with red water, and then everyone's like, this pool is gray.

Sunglass.

Well, it's not a pool. It's a whole sun.

Black Hole Sun, once you come, take away the pain.

I think, um, gang, I never caffeinate properly for this podcast and I'm really sorry.

You feel fully caffeinated? It just feels like you're thinking of movies to substitute the word Keif into. Because you've taken a whole sheet of notebook paper and doodled your way... I don't know what you mean, there will be Keif.

There Keif be blood. This one just says Keif and I think you were going for Hitch.

Oh this one just says Keif and I think you're going for Jaws.

I just had a conversation with people that we want to do a lady remake of Hitch. We're trying to do a perfect casting of that.

What would you call it? Just still Hitch? Hitch. Or would you call it like...

Mitch. Mitch.

After your brother-in-law? Another rhyming. What were we talking about?

We were talking about the riddle. Oh, the summer. I don't know.

It's charcoal.

It's charcoal. I think let's check the answer. It's charcoal.

Oh, that makes sense.

Black when you buy it, you burn it when it's red, and then it's a gray when you throw that little crap away.

That's a good one.

Yeah, pretty good.

It's like everything makes sense. You didn't add any like, you know what I mean?

Yeah.

JPC has said that before that we go crazy when there's too much information that's not important to the riddle and then... Wait, did you two have a conversation without me? Yeah, like when we were having lunch the other day.

And JPC, you said we go crazy?

When we were hanging out on your birthday.

Erin, keep telling the story.

When we told you that you... Honestly, I'm taking JPC to court. If, if they're not busy.

No boys allowed. You can't come into court. Damn it.

That sucks that they did that.

Court's a girls' club now.

Yeah, it's a total girls' court. Ooh, I would watch girls' court.

What if you made a remake of Night Court with all women and it was called girls' court?

And it's called Hitch.

It's called Bitchcourt. I would watch that.

Now that I'm hearing it, I would watch it.

I'd write that.

I would definitely watch a show called Bitchcourt.

It's just a bunch of women who are really good at their jobs.

I think Bitchcourt would set us all back a little bit.

Hey Erin, you're a pretty unique person, would you agree?

Yeah, I'm pretty and unique.

You're unique.

Okay.

Or are you nitty? Yeah. What do you sleep on?

Sometimes it's just like a bunch of newspapers stacked on top of each other of like when I've been in the news. And sometimes it's JPC.

That's a pretty thin file of newspapers. Local girl falls downstairs. What? I said local girl falls downstairs. Does it on purpose. Goes to jail. Well Erin, because of your unique pretty makeup, I don't know how to phrase this, you should be sleeping on the Helix mattress that JPC and I got you.

Yeah, yeah, I mean we know that sometimes people have been like, don't sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, but they mean don't side sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, don't hot sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, because we know that everybody sleeps different. Well, the Helix Sleep Mattress is designed for people who sleep in a variety of different ways.

And you can take a quiz. And it's not the type of quiz that you can fail, so don't worry about that. I worry about that. But it's just a quiz to get to know what kind of sleeper you are.

You took the Helix Sleep quiz, Erin, and you got a don't sleep, right?

The first F ever.

You can find that quiz at helixsleep.com slash riddle. It only takes two minutes, and it's going to match your specific makeup to a mattress that's right for you.

Yeah, that's why they call it Helix Sleep, because it relies on double helix, so you just enter your DNA into the quiz, and then it tells you what kind of mattress is your soulmate, basically.

And it tells you what kind of mattresses your ancestors slept on. I mean, you'll see that in your dreams.

Yeah, that'll be something that, they don't promise that, but that is something that comes in most people's dreams.

And they have a 10-year warranty, and you get to try it for 100 nights, risk-free.

They have a 10-year warranty?

Warren G. Yeah, 10-year Warren G. And 100 nights risk-free.

There is a little loophole here because they say 100 nights, but you also get the 100 days as well.

Oh, do you?

So you can sleep in the mattress 24 hours a day for 100 days.

And for me specifically, for Adal Rifai, those are Arabian days and Arabian nights. That's true. All 100.

And that's not something any of the rest of us feel comfortable saying.

And if you sleep next to a partner, half the mattress can be for you, and the other half of the mattress could be for your partner.

Or, you know, you could do three quarters. Just with sprawl, with arms and legs. But right now, Helix is offering up to $125 off all mattress orders. That's $125 off. To get your $125 off at helixsleep.com slash riddle. That's helixsleep.com slash riddle for up to $125 off your mattress order. Don't sleep on this deal. That's not theirs. That's mine.

I guess the way I sleep is I clutch a pillow and I kiss it.

Yeah, I do the same thing but the pillow's in between my legs.

How I sleep is, you know when you get someone in that choke hold with your leg?

Oh, like Xena did for James Bond in that movie?

Yeah, that's what my blankets do to me.

That's HelixSleep.com slash Riddle. Of course on the pillow I write, not a pillow. So when I kiss it, it makes sense.

Naturally, you're pretty unique.

Helixsleep.com. Slash Riddle!

Oh, it's S-U-N. I pass before the sun. Oh, that would be funny. A father who passes before his son. He dies. We hope that that happens, right? Yeah.

Yeah, as long as he has a tape recorder. So read it one more time.

I pass before the sun, yet make no shadow. What am I? Sonic the Hedgehog.

Jupiter.

Yet make no shadow.

I pass before the sun.

Is this like an eclipse thing?

It's the Earth. Because it passes before the sun, but we don't see the shadow.

Here's a quick quiz. What are all the planets starting from the one closest to the sun?

We got John Lithgow. We got the Joseph Gordon-Levitt. We have the... Old squinty-eyes himself. Fred Stewart.

Fred Stewart. I always want to call him Jimmy Fallon.

We have Christie... What's her name? Yamaguchi. Hiccups.

Ally.

Kirstie. Here's what we got. Erin, you think you're going to stump me. You're not. We got Mercury. We got Venus. We got Earth, which is the third rock from the sun. We got Mars.

Which is where, oddly, it's fun because that's where they also made the TV show, which is third rock from the sun. Mars.

Yeah. We got Tatooine. We have Jadakiss. Meanwhile on Tatooine. We have the Daily Planet.

Cisco, Cisco, Return of the Dragon.

Uranus.

We have Uranus. The Thong Song. We skip Pluto.

Yeah, we don't do Pluto anymore.

Because that's just a chunk of ice.

That's the last, so what do we do if we're skipping it?

We go straight to Plato.

Pluto is Goofy's dog, right? And Goofy is a dog?

Oh, this old hack bit?

What? What? Goofy talk, but his dog no talk? This is from JPC's stand-up.

I pass before the sun, yet make no shadow. Why am it I?

The night. It passes. It passes. I guess. It's gone before the sun.

I mean, the earth, I think is a good guess. The night, I guess.

People. No.

I pass before the sun. Honestly, it's a fart. Oh yeah.

I'm going to start. So there's no more full stops that happen at me. The moment I know I've said something wrong, I'm going to yell no.

Well, no more full stops, but there will be dead stops.

I don't know the answer to this.

I think it's the earth. Right?

Okay. I looked at the answer. I looked at the answer. Adal, you are closest, but not with the earth. You have, you had a guess that was closer.

What else did I say?

This is why it pays to listen.

A dog.

I said a dog. It's not a dog. I pass before the sun. John Lithgow. I make no shadow. What am I? Is it John Lithgow? No, that's not the right vein.

It's not a planet.

Break it to us easy. Is it John Lithgow?

No, it's not. I gotta know. It can't be.

I'm mad about Keif.

You ready for it?

Keif under fire.

Grace under Keif. You ready for this answer? Yeah. It's the wind.

Mmm. Okay.

Wind doesn't leave a shadow. Also, you were closest with fart. Because fart is kind of like the wind from your butt.

Wind leaves a shadow.

I'm having fun.

I've seen... You've seen wind leaves a shadow? Quick check-in, quick check-in. On a scale of 1 to 10, how much fun are we having? Erin?

A lot of fun.

JPC?

I also am here.

Say it too.

Can you please?

Okay. So here's a role play for that. That was a very ambiguous, but it took, it gave you guys a little bit of trouble. You are two wind scientists. Cool. You're living on a, I'm going to say these words.

I'm going to need the actual name for a wind scientist.

You're living on a wind platform in the ocean. And you're studying the wind. You guys are trying to decide if wind has a shadow. You're trying to settle it definitively once and for all. We see that scene.

Kevin, I know we both have our doctorate in wind. Yes. What I'm saying is that wind leaves a shadow when there's leaves in the wind.

But isn't that still wind, Susie? Just because it picks up a couture mar and carries it across the plain or the water, whatever it might be, isn't that part of the wind? I hate you. Right now you have... Let me ask you something. Let me pose you a little question here.

Why are you posing while you ask me a question? You look ridiculous.

I was on the cover of Ecological Wind magazine.

You look like a common fool that have been stuck in this wind platform with you for too many years. Let me ask you something, Susie.

Right now, you have about 10 pounds of quesadilla in your tummy, don't you? But you're still a human, right? If you walk around, I don't say, I don't try and separate you from that quesadilla you went fucking hog wild on at the buffet, do I? How dare you? Just like leaves in the wind, those leaves are like the quesadillas in your tummy. Where did we go wrong? Take me back. Listen, Susie, we're both 40.

No, I'm going to the other side.

We're both 40, what are we doing?

No, no, I'm walking to the other side of this wind platform that's in the middle of the ocean, a place where we both work. We're both wind scientists.

Can I tell you when I first fell in love with you?

Hey, pal, let her go.

Kevin, can you leave it alone?

Hey, look, the lady said she's gonna walk away.

Look at this, look at this magazine. Who do you see on the front? That's, uh, Yes, think up something.

Hold on.

Don't look at the magazine.

No, you're showing him the back of it. That's J.P. Riddles is on the back of that magazine.

You read Swan Lumps?

My man! Show me the front of the magazine. I'll have a think real quick. Here we go. Okay, that's, uh, ooh, I was not expecting that. I had something, I had something a little different in mind. That's a different picture than I was expecting. Oh boy, let's see.

Oop, the wind took it.

Climb over! Was it Clive Owen?

It was Clive Owen. Have you seen that movie? What's it called? Children of Keef? Children of Keef. Oh, I love that movie. Keef of Men.

Keeping it real. Children Keef Men.

Do you two listen to Hey Riddle Riddle?

Oh brother.

That podcast? Where those three insane people killed each other late at night?

Wasn't that a lot of fun?

It was while it lasted. Oh boy. Anyway, I'm gonna go back to shuffling the wind.

Wait, Kevin, a question for a fellow wind scientist. In Super Mario Bros. 3, when Mario uses the warp whistle, a gust of wind seems to envelop him and carry him to another level, usually late in the game. How'd that work? You know I don't like you, right? Yeah, but I figured if you know... Where did you two go wrong?

Tell him about when you were in love with him.

Scene. You feel seen? I feel, yes. I feel seen. Click. And I feel heard, too.

Actually, these riddles are not making me mad today.

Oh well, Erin, if I tried to accomplish something it was to do riddles that would make you mad, so this is a real bummer for me. Okay, I like this one.

Cool, before you start, that brings us to another segment. This one is called, Alda Riddles in the World, and this is where JPC reads a riddle in the voice of Alan Alda.

That's a really good name for this segment, and there's no fucking chance that I could read a riddle as Alan Alda. It's Alan Alda doing a Snagglepuss impression.

Is he talking about saying Charlie from Lost?

Charlie from Lost. Hold on, hold on. I'm gonna get a little bit more of an Alan Alda. This is as best as I can do.

Of course, this is our podcast where we audition for SNL.

Oh no.

Yeah, Alan Alda's a real hot impression.

And then pit me into the voices I do.

A horny dog. What do you do? You do nothing. Mr. Alta, could you come here and read this riddle? It'd be my absolute pleasure to do so. There's an ancient invention still used in some parts of the world today that allows people to see through walls. What is it? And now he's leaving and he won't be answering any more questions.

I have it. I have it! I think I've got it.

There's an ancient invention that allows people to see through walls.

Still used in some parts of the world today.

X-ray machine. Stop dancing around the room. Where'd you get all those scarves?

That's sort of my thing. Scarves.

Sweat drip down my balls?

Are you using my balls? No, swan lumps.

My lovely swan lumps.

Check it out. You can see through walls.

So it's not window.

Radar. What? Which is another MASH character.

The answer's not window?

It is window.

Oh! it's not window so it's not because I said to them hmm is that really the answer the answer is window yeah here's what I want to see uh she got it she got Keith Welcome back to Bitch Court. We're great at our jobs and we make no apologies.

I get that we're not the ones to make that podcast, but someone please make Bitch Court.

Someone make that, yeah.

I just want a bunch of badass female lawyers.

Here's what I want to see. I want to see a scene between the two of you. JPC, you'll be playing Professor Charles Xavier, leader of the X-Men. Gotcha. Erin, I want you to be a new mutant who's coming to the school, and you're going to let, over the course of the scene, you're going to let Professor Xavier know that your power is that you can see through walls, but it turns out that that just means that you can, you're tall enough to look through a window. And we take you to the, um, what is that called? The X Mansion?

Yeah, it's called Mansion X. It's called Charles Xavier's School for the Gifted or whatever. Keif, X Keif. You'll find that we have a very nice school here. There's lots of people who also have extraordinary abilities that you can befriend and teach each other lessons.

Oh, I should shield my eyes. Sorry, we shouldn't walk by this building. I can sort of see through walls.

You don't have to shield your gifts here at Charles Xavier School for the Criminally Gifted or whatever. You can let your freak flag fly. I like nipple play. What?

I must have misheard you just now. Did you say something?

No, I said I like nipple play. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Oh no, I can see through the wall over there. Oh, you don't even want to know what I can see.

Oh, hello there, Mona Mee. You must have seen me on the other side of the wall. Ah, this is Waterboy. My name is Waterboy. I get the water. Mama said get the water. I can also charge playing cards and throw the playing cards. It's a fun little game I play.

Now Waterboy, you give Gambit back his cards. You're in charge of getting the water and helping the Muddogs win the Bourbon Bowl.

How could he see me? How could he? See, could he see through walls too? What are you looking at, bub? Is everyone's power seeing through walls?

No, no, that's only certain people's powers, but we're outside and it looks like we have a new friend who's auditioning for SNL who's coming up to us. What's your name, friend?

My name is Wolverine.

Oh yes, bub. Snick Snick. Snake at Night.

Do you ever watch Snake at Night?

I do. Too young. Well, we'll see you later, Wolverine.

I had some impressions I wanted to do. Not a five, but I had some impressions.

So Wolverine's going to do some impressions.

Are you looking for a weekend update, writers? Or what are you looking for? Because that would help me.

Ah, speaking of people who need to shield their eyes, I would like to introduce you to our friend Cyclops.

Hello. I have one eye in the middle of my head. I'm a mythical creature, but I love Jean Grey.

Oh, these are windows.

The rapper.

And Snick.

And Snick. As a kid, I always thought it was like a shink.

Oh, in the comic book?

I thought it was shink. It's Snick, right? I learned it was Snick from... You thought those N's were H's? Well, I just read it as like shink, like I thought it was that sound.

Yeah, and then I said you thought those N's were H's.

I don't want to answer that question.

Okay.

But I learned that it was snick from the guys on Hollywood Handbook. Oh, Shana Hayes? I think it was Hayes. Who could know? He said he wanted to help do something on the Long Night podcast, the Wolverine podcast, Long Night.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I jokingly was like, yeah, you could have been the shink sound. And he goes, yeah, the snick. And I go, what? And he goes, it's snick. So he was very kind about it.

Wow, that's more kind than I've ever heard him be. But he did correct me. He did correct me, yeah. Do we, do we have enough?

We have time for 15 more.

15 more? Okay, hold on. I think that, I think I have one that I want to do. Oh, what were the other ones? Jesus Christ. Talking to you is fucking suffering.

No respect for each other. But there's... What's there? Love?

Yeah, I'd say love. Hatred? I'd say Latrid.

Okay, so I like this one. I am taken from a mine.

Liam Neeson.

Yep, it's Liam Neeson. Liam Neeson was the one who was classically taken in those movies. You're the fucking stupidest person I've ever met.

Let's check in about how much fun we're having. Erin?

Let me take that again. So much fun. Alright, ready? I am taken from a mine and shut up in a wooden case from which I am never released. And yet, I am used by almost everybody. What am I? Gas. It's a fart. Natural gas. It's a fart.

Can you read it again?

I am taken from a mine and shut up in a wooden case from which I am never released. Oh, a wooden case. And yet, I am used by almost everybody. I always want to think when there's a wooden case that it's a coffin.

Yeah.

What does that say about you? Nothing. In your fucking defeatist attitude.

I'm taken from a mine and shut up in a wooden case from which I'm never released. And yet, I am used by almost everybody.

Secrets. Do you know the answer to this one? I don't know the answer to this one. Taken from a mine.

From a mine. Oh, from a mine.

So it would be like a rope or the wind.

Like a box, yeah.

Or a box. Taken from a mine, put up in a wooden crate, not seen ever again, but amused by everybody. Boo.

What do you think when listeners know the answer and they hear us struggling, what do you think they do?

Oh, people have tweeted that they just scream the answer over and over, which honestly helps.

Yeah.

We can hear it.

I can hear it sometimes. I can pick it up in my headphones.

Listen, I watch Jeopardy all the time, and when I know the answer, those people are dumb as fuck.

Yes.

When I don't, it's a hard question.

Here's the thing, though. I know I'm stupid because I've been me forever. So I understand that this is like a dumb guy. It doesn't hurt me that I don't know the answer to these riddles.

Have either of you ever been in Jeopardy?

No. Patrick Connelly has.

Yeah, great. So you know a person who has.

One of my best friends from growing up was, and he was winning and then until Final Jeopardy, he blew too close to the sun and bet too much.

And the answer to that question was Icarus.

Yeah, wouldn't that have been funny? That's so much irony.

So what do you take out of a mine? You take coal, you take dead canaries, you take... isn't natural gas in mines? Like don't you drill down for natural gas?

Wooden box sounds important.

Wooden box, but I'm used by everyone. Would it just be coal? I mean, because you don't see coal, but it's burned everywhere efficiently. I bet it's just coal.

What's the wooden box about?

Air.

Oh, it's air, Erin. Oh my god, you got it.

It's air. Did you know that 99% of Earth's air is from a mine?

Most of the air is in the core of the earth and it comes up.

Apples, of course. Am I helping? I have nipples, fucker. Can you milk me? That's your second impression. Lauren, are you impressed? I say that all the time just in my life. I love that line.

You also say, you do the math, I'll do the... what do you say?

You do the math, I'm doing the Alfredo. It's from a classic Olive Garden commercial. I have a hat that says you do the math and a t-shirt that says I'm doing the Alfredo.

You got those made for you?

I got those specifically made for you.

I love that.

I like to wear them when they're not part of the same piece.

That's also the same hat that Talia Shire wore in the set of The Godfather. I'm doing the Alfredo.

Hey man, we're all fucking young. The Keef Father.

God Keef.

There you go.

What women Keef?

The Godfather part Keef.

Dude, what women Keef? I like that one.

What Keef want?

What Keef want?

A nap, all the time. Anyways, that's my line.

Alright, you guys ready for the answer to this? Yeah. A pencil.

Oh.

Read that again.

It's not a box.

A pencil. Read it so I can get angry.

I am taken from a mine and shut up in a wooden case from which I am never released. And yet I am used by almost everybody.

Why did I think there's something about not seeing it ever? I guess I did that to myself.

I hate it when I hear like a thing in the riddle that didn't actually exist. And I'm like, oh, why was that? That's like what riddles you get stuck on the small detail or something. I always get stuck on coffin.

It's like your brain will fill in, you know, when you're reading something and there's a mistake, sometimes your brain doesn't realize there's a mistake.

Oh yeah. Like that sign at Jimmy John's that explains that? Yeah. One person online will know what I'm talking about.

Let's do a listener submitted riddle. You can always send those to us at hrrpodcast at gmail.com. You can also follow us on Twitter at heyriddleriddle or on Instagram at heyriddleriddle or look up the Facebook group.

Hey, and while you're doing all that bullshit online, you could just go to iTunes and write a review of the podcast and say how good we are at riddles.

But JPC would like it if you specifically gave him a shout out.

I would love a shout out.

Shout out to JPC, but use the hashtag KeifAndItReal. Also, find us on the streets. We're in Chicago. Run up to us on the streets.

Someone did find me on the street the other day. Details. I was in a movie theater, but yeah.

That's not the streets. What'd they say?

They said, shh, we're trying to watch a movie. And I was like, yeah, you're a fan of the podcast. I get it. I'm trying to live a normal life. And they're like, hey, asshole, I'm here with my estranged daughter. We're trying to reconnect.

No, asshole is the other host, Adal Rifai. This one, oh boy, this one is from Brady Habik, and this is going to be a doozy. Brady here, this riddle is more for your guests since the answer is in the riddle itself. Wait, does Brady think that we're your guests?

Yes. Well, you're a terrible host. You're sitting around my table right now. You haven't offered me tea at all.

I keep breaking all this bread and then throwing it outside. Here's the riddle. There are 30 cows in a field, 28 chickens. How many didn't? I think he got something wrong here.

Wait, what?

I printed this out verbatim.

I could be stupid and I'm very much out, but I think there's a typo or something. So Brady wrote, word for word, the riddle is, there are 30 cows in a field, 28 chickens, how many didn't?

How do we turn these people doing this nice thing for us to write these things into us just burning them terribly?

Oh, Brady, Brady, Brady, Brady, baby, baby, Brady.

How many cows and how many chickens? 30 cows.

There are 30 cows in a field, 28 chickens. How many didn't?

Oh, no, no. I understand. Yeah, it's a... There are 30 cows, 28 A-T-E chickens. How many didn't? 10 cows didn't. 10 cows didn't eat chickens.

You're correct.

Oh, JPC, you're the mayor. Do you know that you're the mayor now?

Well, old man, Riddles happens to be the mayor of these parts.

Why is JPC pissing himself in the corner again? I was trying to make him the mayor.

Pissing myself is the only emotion that I know how to do.

So there's 30 cows in a field and then 28 chickens.

You're never going to get it.

28 minus 30 is 10. How'd you get to 10?

What?

How'd you get 10 cows?

There are 30 cows in a field and 20 of the cows ate ATE chickens. How many didn't?

JPC is right.

There is no typo.

And Brady was smart the whole time.

There's no typo. Brady's smart the whole time. We're the dummies.

Well, he wrote it out, ATE.

Yeah. Wait, what?

He wrote, there are 30 cows in a field, 20 A.T.E. chickens.

How many did- That's why you said you read it out loud so the guest can't see. I see.

And then it says the answer is 10 cows don't eat chickens. He also didn't put any punctuation, so this is how the answer reads exactly. The answer is 10 cows don't eat chickens.

You know, Adal, nothing that you can say will convince me that Brady's not smarter than all of us.

Well done Brady, that's a good one.

Yeah Brady, you're the real hero.

I like the ones that uh... Brady, you've made a cuckold out of me, and an ass in a fool.

That's unrelated to this though, that he made a cuckold out of you, right? That's something, a personal thing between the two of you.

I'm sorry, a cuckold, because chickens don't cuck, don't hold cucks.

I'm sorry. Well done. That's good. Very good, Adal.

JPC, you fucking cuck. Welcome back to Cut Court.

That's our podcast. Guilty. All right, you know what? I gotta say this right now guys. I gotta say this right off the bat. I want to plug some stuff.

Right off the bat?

Right off the bat.

Oh, GPC doesn't know this is the end of the podcast.

I don't and I refuse to know, but I do want to plug some stuff.

Which brings us to our Major League Baseball podcast right off the bat.

That's pretty good.

Someone should take that. I know usually on the show I plug a lot of the things that I'm doing and I have going on. You can find all that on my Twitter at JPSoFly. But what I really want to plug is The Good Place Season 2 on Netflix. I have been waiting for so long because it was off Hulu and I just started re-watching it. I'm like eight episodes in. Oh my God. Can't wait for Season 3. The Good Place. Very funny show.

I was watching that right before I got here.

Well, I was too. Weird. Erin. Ted Danson. He's a treasure.

You guys were together because you were talking about me.

Here's the other thing is I just started watching Cheers recently and I'm working my way through Cheers. I'm three seasons in, so I'm just doing a lot of Ted Danson in my life.

He's great.

He's so fucking great.

I never watched Cheers.

Have you watched Cheers before?

To watch Cheers when it was still on? Oh, it'll be 35 again.

I watched Cheers a few years ago and honestly, I don't think it ages well and I didn't enjoy it.

Oh, some of it is so troubling.

There's a lot of like laugh lines where like Ted Danson's like, Diane, I'm going to put you in the back of a car and drive you off a fucking cliff. And people are like, yeah. And I'm like, he just threatened to murder that woman. Is that where Eminem got his stand from?

It's also insanely homophobic.

Oh, oh really? Yeah.

My dad was telling me that.

And racist too. There's like an episode where there's a black person in the bar and everyone's worried.

I haven't watched a ton of it, but I know that there's a white guy who comes into the bar. Norm. And they all scream Norm. And it's like, because he's a white male, that's the Norm. I think his name is Kyle.

I think so. I think his name is Kevin.

But he's the Norm.

George Wendt still has not paid for a drink to this day.

Is that true?

Well, that sounds like he's in trouble.

My dad said that he loved the show, but he never saw the pilot because it came out the week of my parents' honeymoon. He didn't see the pilot until Cheers was on Netflix.

Oh, and the pilot was the one driving the plane?

Mm-hmm.

You can follow me at Adal Rifai on Twitter. And something I want to plug is a Netflix delightful special called Somebody Please Feed Phil.

Is this real?

Mm-hmm. It's a guy named Phil. It's a guy who created, uh, Everybody Loves Raymond. I think it's like Phil Rosenthal. Debra! That's the guy. Fred Garrett's real name. Yeah. And he just travels the world and eats good food and it's a really dietful show. I was just trying to take a cue from you. I didn't know that was a real show.

And plug something fun. Yeah, I'll give it a shot.

Last time I do that.

Yeah, well, you learned your fucking lesson. Erin?

Uh, follow me on Instagram at Erin Keif, K-E-I-F, 10, to plug on Netflix?

Yeah, what are you watching on Netflix?

You know what, recently I was hanging out with a three-year-old girl a bunch and we watched a lot of Sophia the First, and that's a great concept for a TV show.

What's the concept?

Well, it's about a girl who is doing all right, but then she became a princess overnight. I'm singing the theme song. But she has a magic amulet and whenever she's in trouble, it glows. And then one of the Disney princesses shows up and sings a song with her and tells her to be brave or smart or kind.

And Erin, if you could travel anywhere in the world, but at the stroke of midnight, you turned back into a pumpkin, where would you go?

Jupiter.

Have a great night, everybody.

Hey, wait a second. That's not JPC. That's a crab.

Come here crab.

This whole time JPC's had this hard external shell.

Come here crab. That's been said about me before.

That's our last episode. Bye forever.

That was a HeadGum podcast.