Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

Hey, don't touch that dial. This is Hey Riddle Riddle. This is Adal Rifai, the top of the hour. For all you adults and kiddies, we got Puzzies and Riddies.

This is the Mad Dog, JPC. You're listening to Hey Riddle Riddle in the morning.

And I'm Erin Keif.

Okay, so we all talked about what we would do for this opening, Erin. Do you feel good about what we all did?

I tired.

I'm tired too, so let's put on some Maroon 5.

It's songs about Jane, and now some riddles about puzzles.

I can't do that voice.

Oh, I shouldn't do that voice.

I'm on the radio.

More gravel, like you're gargling gravel.

Oh, I know the feeling. I'm on the radio.

So Erin, you equate radio voice with mafioso tough man? Hey, I'm on the radio.

I think so. In my head, Terry Gross is the voice of the voices, but what do I know about radio?

What do I know about radio? That's true. What do any of us know about radio? Hey, this isn't a freaking radio show. It's a freaking Riddle- Riddle-io. Riddle-io show. Yeah, guys, welcome to Hey Riddle Riddle. That's what we're trying to say.

Honestly, pull up a seat, relax, cross them legs. Pour yourself a big cup of puzzles.

I'm pretty sure everybody listening this week is in the bath. I think everyone's in the bath listening to Hey Riddle Riddle.

Slow things down, put some Epsom salts. How salt recycle? By putting it in a bath. And then your body absorbs it. That's how salt recycle. Those pores get nice and open.

Put all your lush products in there, because you're rich.

And drop a frickin' bath bomb in there and go to town on your self-masturbation.

No, no, no, no, no.

Okay, you're right. But don't touch that dial. Touch yourself, but not that dial. And don't touch that dial, as in the soap. You won't need it, because a bath, you're already clean.

And I'm Erin Keif.

And Erin is doing us the honor of being Old Man Puzzles today.

I'm just hoping that one week I nail it. I'm gonna keep going until I feel like I've done it and then I'm gonna retire.

Can I say something controversial?

Controversial?

Controversial.

You said controversial.

Can I say something about contra?

Is it about how you put out controversial? Yeah, Adal, I think that you can say something controversial.

Erin, I think you nail it every week.

Oh man.

You're a goddamn national treasure.

Why is that controversial?

Just a lot of the fans don't agree. I love Maroon 5.

All right, are we ready?

We're wasting time. You're Old Man Puzzles and you will give us our warm-up riddles.

I have a theme.

Oh!

And it's not about the riddles.

Farsight calendars, farsight calendars, farsight calendars.

No, but sort of. So it's not about the riddles, their content. It's about how I've gotten them. So my family and my friends have discovered that this exists. And this being the podcast? Yeah. Okay. No, this friendship I have with the two of you. No, this podcast.

You're holding your phone. And so I thought like they discovered that your phone exists.

Yeah.

Speaking of this friendship, because you said your friends and your family are listening, I do want to mention on air, Erin and I had a conversation the other day and we both agreed that if we're not married by 40, we kill JPC.

Aren't you 40?

Yeah, that was like six years ago for you though, right? Are you meeting her like halfway? You'll be 72 and she'll be turning 40?

Yeah, what's going on?

I'm going to do warm up riddles first. Are you ready?

Yeah, that's how it works. Yeah, Smoots, just various people, friends, people from my life. Are we ready? Yes. So this is a segment called Riddles from my garbage brother-in-law. And this is where I put my brother-in-law on blast for making me go hiking in 2012.

Can we get his full name?

His name is Mitch, but I won't give you his last name, but... That's Smoot. He's 6'7". Ooh, never mind.

He's cool. I'm cool with you, Mitch. We good.

And my sister, who's married to him, is 5'4 and pregnant with his child. So, everybody think about that.

How'd that work? 6'7", 5'4, pregnant. Is this the riddle?

You know, I'm just saying, I'm just... So, if he pours the... Okay, yes.

So, it's a bucket two times as big as him. I'm never going to get this. Go ahead.

Mary, I think I got it. Marry the fox, fuck the chicken, kill the bag of rice.

And she's gonna have a very tall little lady inside of her. All right, here we go. Are we ready? Yes. How many bricks does it take to complete a building made of brick?

How many bricks does it take to complete a building made of bricks?

Okay, there's no way we could know this.

It's got to be all of them.

Um, no. Okay, so can I ask some questions about your garbage brother-in-law? Yeah, of course. Um, what does he do for a living? Please tell me he makes brick houses.

He makes brick houses. He makes bricks.

Is he in New Jersey? Uh, Boston?

Yeah. The East Coast? Yeah. He's right outside of Boston.

Okay.

But he's from Maine, so.

Okay. So let me get this straight. So with your brother-in-law, Mitch, from Boston, used to live in Maine. So we know that not only is he dumb, but he's probably poor.

And he has a brother who has a house of straw and a brother who has a house of sticks.

So he's a builder, you said he's a house builder by trade?

No, he does something in advertising or something like that.

Yeah, he builds houses. This guy's a liar, he builds houses. Dumb guy from Maine, builds houses.

And this is a warm-up riddle.

And you said tall but weak, correct?

Yeah.

He can't find me.

He can't find you.

Okay, yeah. How many bricks does it take to complete a brick building?

Is complete the word, the operative word that we should be honing in on?

How many bricks does it take to complete a building made of brick?

One. It's made of one brick. Singular brick.

Oh, because it's not plural.

Yeah.

I mean, Erin said made of brick. How many bricks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pie?

I could say bricks at the end.

Okay. Fudge.

How many bricks does it take to complete a building made of bricks?

I'm going to say all of them. Yeah. It's something stupid like all of them, but Adal said it first, so I'll withdraw.

The answer I was looking for was the last one.

To complete. I knew it was about completing. Honestly, I quit.

Quit what?

You quit losing that warm up round. Oh, but there's probably more for you to lose.

GPC, if we're both not married by the time we're 40, we should... I've already, I'm sorry, I've already made this deal with a crab.

Yeah. I met a crab on a beach. If we're both not married by 40, then we switch bodies. Oh boy.

I don't think that crab's making it to 40, bud.

Well, if he is, then I'm going to be an old ass crab. I know that much. How come you walk in here sideways? Okay. Yes. I'm ready for more riddles.

Great.

That's the podcast after all.

This one is from my buddy, Charlie. Are we ready?

Yes. How do you know Charlie?

I went to school with him in St. Louis and he's nice. He's from Ohio When we went to college together, we jumped into a fountain thinking it would be fun and adventurous But there was a dead squirrel in there. Okay, this isn't If you can't tell I have a personality of a squirrel that's true.

Oh, wow says a lot about you. Here we go She's got a personality like a dead squirrel. Oh god

I got burned again.

Yeah, sorry.

I walked into that door again. All right, ready? An ordinary American citizen with no passport visits over 30 foreign countries in one day. He is welcomed in each country and he leaves each one of his own accord. How?

Is it a Honda Accord?

He's driving a Honda Accord.

He's driving a Honda Accord. That's done.

I'm going to read it again.

Okay.

An ordinary American citizen with no passport visits over 30 foreign countries in one day. He is welcomed in each country and leaves each one of his own accord. How?

Can I blow your fucking minds? Skype.

Damn. Go ahead and blow my mind. Skype. I have one. He's dead. This is the body. His ashes. It's ashes and they're shipping the body around.

These are cool answers.

Oh, it's a flash. Normal American. Is the flash American? Does anyone know? Does anyone see that?

Barry Gordon. Is that his name? Barry Allen. Barry Allen was running back for the Chiefs.

Oh, Charlie. This answer is interesting.

Okay. Okay. So can you say it's how many countries? 35? 30. 30 countries. Is there that many? Don't make fun of me, but is there that many?

Are there 30 countries? Let's name them. America. France.

What makes you think we'd make fun of you?

Saltenstein.

What's the one where... Japan.

I kind of want to know what the rest of that sentence was going to be.

So there's three at least. So there, it makes sense that there's about 10 more. So that's 30. Um, oh boy. No passport. And it's an American, a regular American citizen.

Here's, here's what it's going to be. It's going to be something about he's like spinning a globe or something, or he's playing risk. It's going to be something like that where he's sitting.

Oh, is he playing? I normally would not cut you off that much, but it is a warmup riddle.

Is he playing Axis and Allies? You're being a bit of a Mitch right now.

Oh, yes, that's awesome. Let's start that up. Truly the only bad thing he did to me is make me go hiking in 2012. What?

Mitch, please.

I know. That's what I'm saying. We got into the bottom of the mountain and I immediately got my period and I yelled at him the whole time.

Wait, where in Maine were you hiking?

Oh, God. Southern part. It was beautiful. Bar Harbor? No. But we like, it was in the middle of fall. It was early October. It was lovely. He took us. He wanted to just show us one of his interests and I,

Wait, will you find out? Cause I'm going to be in Maine in like a week and I kind of do want to go see some beautiful things.

Yeah, sure. Okay. I can have him send you a list of things he would like to do.

Yeah. Before this podcast comes out, preferably. Let's introduce me to him before this.

Sure. Welcome back to Lonely Planet. Get it together you two.

Are you ready for the answer?

Yes, I don't know the answer to this question.

I'm sorry I cut off your answer.

No, it's okay.

I just I get criticized. You were right to do so. These warm-up riddles too long. All right, ready? The man is a mail carrier delivering mail to foreign embassies. When inside the embassy, he is in that respective country.

That's so, yeah. Thoughts? That makes sense. And every man is a male carrier carrying the seed of humanity within him's balls. Erin, look me in the eyes.

When JPC says, within him's balls.

I was looking directly at Adal being like, look at me and help me.

How can I help you? I'm so old and fragile.

That's a pretty, that's a pretty good one. That stumped me. And I'm one of the smartest guys here.

Adal, we're not married by the time you're 80. Kill me. Do you want to? Let's do another one.

Yes. These are hard warm up riddles, I'll say, Erin.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

Usually they're like, a school bus is yellow. What color is a snail bus? Red. Red.

Exactly. Cool. One moment.

One un momento.

We may actually need to.

Are there any from family members that you enjoy?

I mean, I enjoy all of them.

Can we get one from Immediate Family and maybe we can call that a smooth point?

Yes. It's a smooth point. I will. I have one more warmup that is not from Immediate Family and then I will, we'll get into the, the real heart of the, what do you call them? Our meat and potatoes.

The smoothie gritty. The gritty smoothie.

But Adal, when he's old man puzzles, he calls them something. Is it meat and potatoes?

I think I call him Puzzies and Riddies.

Yeah, he says Puzzies and Riddies. Have you listened to the show?

Kevin's and Susie's?

Kevin's and Susie's, Puzzies and Riddies, Meat and Potatoes. I think you have said Meat and Potatoes before.

What is the feedback that Mitch has given about the podcast?

I think he's heard just a snippet of it, but my sister who's married to him says that she likes it.

Oh good, what's her name?

She's a hard guy. Her name is Kathleen.

I like Kathleen.

She's nice.

I think one of my brothers said a lot of the riddles are bad, and I said, hey asshole, thanks for the information.

How many brothers do you have?

I just have a couple of the guys. Love them dearly, but only a couple. Yeah, anyway.

You have one sister, right?

I have one full sister. That's what you did. That's what I did.

And then you called him Big Bird, right?

And then I have five half siblings.

Whoa, that's a lot of siblings.

Half what?

Half sibling, half horse. The reverse centaurs, horse top, human bottom.

It's their right half is horse.

Oh no.

Have you ever seen those? Yeah. Centaurs where the right half is horse and the left half is human.

Yeah, sure.

They can't walk properly because the horse... I understand.

My brain tried to picture that, and then I just got, my brain just went, no. I don't want to do that.

Erin's brain can't picture it, but you can draw it, loyal listeners. So if you can draw the half man, half horse.

Oh, sorry, JPC misspoke. You can draw that, Loyola listeners. Any listeners who go to Loyola, please draw that.

Enter in our half man, half horse contest.

And win all prizes.

That's right, back on Hey Riddle Riddle. All the prizes you could eat, baby.

Man.

Are we going to do riddles today?

Yes, I'm so sorry. All right. I got another warm up. Good. Are we ready? I actually am not 100% sure if we've done this one before.

Oh, okay. Good.

So just stop me if we have. Okay.

I'd rather keep it on the podcast to get yelled at about it.

Excellent. Are we ready? Yes. I also just have, I feel like one of you have heard this before. Okay. A man runs into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The bartender pulls out a shotgun and yells at him. The man thanks the bartender, then walks out of the bar happily. Why did the man thank the bartender?

The man was Mitch.

Everyone hates Mitch. The man's a horse, the bartender said, why a long face?

Half a horse.

The horse said it's a living.

It's a living! I know the answer to this by the way.

Why would a horse sound like a parrot?

Because it's half parrot, half horse. What would that be like? One half would be falling down because a horse half is too heavy.

Yeah, Erin, so it wouldn't be a good creation. Or is it proportional? Would you rather fight a hundred duck-sized horses or not? I think not. Yeah, I would say not.

I'd say life is short. Adal, I know the answer to this riddle.

Do you know the answer? Um, I do. Oh damn.

Can we say it on the count of three? Yeah.

And just say one word.

Can I count?

Yes, you can count. We're just saying one word. Cool? Yeah. All right.

The most important word of the answer. Ready? I'm going to go right after three. Ready? One, two, three.

Hiccups. Hell yeah. You did it. We're riddle friends.

Wow. Can we play out that scene? So Erin, I'd like you to be a person with hiccups.

Sure.

And JPC, you're the local bartender. Okay. And the bar you run is called the Half Horse. Okay. For unknown reasons. It's all lore. And Erin, you have the hiccups, and you go in looking for a cure, a little bit of a medicinal cure. Here we go.

Wait, Adal, could you just be the sound when the door opens into the bar? It's like a fun, there's like a fun little sound it makes when patrons come in and out of the bar. Cool. But your choice.

Yeah. So you're giving me the fun role of the door?

Yeah. And she did say it is the fun role, so have fun with it.

Have fun with it.

And she said it while patting my head.

And you start this with the door sound. Why, hello there, young lady. Welcome to the half-horse. My name is Donnie Pervert, and I'm the bartender here. I'm sorry? Oh, don't be sorry. You just woke me up from a little nap. That's why my cheek's so bloody.

Sir, you look like you've been asleep for many years.

Well, if you put it all together in my life, I guess I kind of have. That's a little joke about being old.

Well, I thought I'd come in here for a glass of water. You probably can't tell, but I have the hiccups.

Trying to order water in a bar? Well, well. Now, how old are you? 21. Well, I'm gonna have to see some ID.

Purse.

Thank you for opening your purse, but it looks like you got a wallet in there that needs to open up.

Billfold.

Oh, my apologies. That's a billfold, not a wallet. Or maybe just fuck me for... There's a difference. Oh, yes, there is. It's a living.

Okay. I'm sorry. I just want to open my lipstick really fast.

Sure.

Lipstick.

Well, it's kind of drafty in here. Let me just open some of these windows. And they're open. Oh boy. Fuck me, huh? Okay. Now you said you wanted a glass of water, young miss?

Yes, because I have the hiccups and I've had them for quite some time.

Oh, the hiccups. Now I can give you a glass of water.

I was an opera singer and I lost my job because I have had the hiccups too long.

How long have you had the fucking hiccups?

Seven years.

I can't believe you made it that long with those hiccups. I can give you a glass of water, but that might not fix your problem, but I do have a sure-fire way to fix the hiccups.

You just grabbed your gun when you said sure-fire way.

And I put it to my own head. Now you stop hiccuping or I'll fucking kill myself.

I'll end it all right here.

This old man will go away and I'm going to hell for the things I've done. You make your decision now or I swear to God I'll burn in the fires of Satan, Lucifer, the angel of death.

That's right chief the riddles

And so that was that riddle.

Yeah, okay.

Are we done with warm-up riddles or how do we feel about the world?

Those were still warm-up riddles?

Yeah, because it's like you're getting further along in a level in a video game. It gets a little bit harder.

What's the last video game you played, Erin?

That's a good question. I think the last video game I played was Banjo-Tooie.

Banjo-Tooie is a fucking dope game.

It's awesome. It's better than Banjo-Kazooie.

Okay. Well now we're gonna fight.

Is that just the sequel? Is the sequel to Banjo-Kazooie called Banjo-Tooie? The Squeakquel. Is it really?

It's called the Squeakquel. Yeah, if it's the second and there's any animal at all, it's called the Squeakquel.

Erin, who sent in that last Rudy?

My boyfriend. Yeah, all the other riddles he sent me we did in earlier shows. So I suppose he's not very rich.

What does he think of the podcast? Well, he obviously doesn't listen if he's sending a bunch of riddles we've already done.

I think he likes it. He said that he's listened.

Sounds pretty supportive.

He's a huge fan of both of you.

Oh, he sounds great.

He just kind of sounds cool and strong. Probably strong guy too. Strong guy, good taste.

He's pretty strong.

Tastes good. Good taste.

Strong guy, tastes good.

Oh wait, I think Adal has a riddle.

I go to circus. Strong guy tastes good.

It's funny. Okay, I'm ready for some actual real human adult riddles.

So we're gonna bop between riddles from my dad and riddles from my mom.

We're gonna bop between? Is this like kids bop but with riddles?

Yeah.

Is this like riddy bop?

Yes, it's a bunch of kids singing in unison today.

It's kids singing your dad and your mom's riddles.

Cry me a riddle.

That kind of stuff?

I get bopped down. I only know kids bop from when I was a kid. I don't know the music at all.

Wait, what other songs do you remember?

I only know kids reinterpreting bop hits from when I was a kid. I can't imagine what it's like now.

I'm blue, I'm a riddle. Oh God.

I bet they did. Get this party started on a Saturday night. Everybody's waiting for us to arrive. Where's the riddle part? I thought I'd find it.

I thought I'd find it. When I was a kid, Quiz Bop was all like, walk the line. Pathetic line.

Are you sure it wasn't the Andrew sisters?

Jesus Christ. I've been standing in a burning riddle of fire. You're so old you're freaking dumb as hell. Adal, if we're both unmarried by the time you're 110. I've been bullying so hard this episode off.

I think we need to leave Adal alone. He's kind.

I also just can't wait to see what my comeuppance is gonna be.

Which brings me to my favorite segment called verbal decimation. Where we just take 10-12 minutes to verbally dismantle JPC.

It only makes me stronger.

Are we ready?

Yes, boot us up. Who sent this?

Mommy or Daddy? Well, you guys can decide. Do you want one from a mom first or one from a dad first?

I want to guess. You just said the riddle, then I want to have to guess if it was your mom's riddle or your dad's riddle.

Okay. Great. Um, but the way that my mom originally presented these, she took photos of a book and those were confusing and then she put them in an email. But my dad is so smart that he wrote out these questions and then he'd put the answers backwards.

But my brain... Here's what I'm going to say. Would you say that your dad, by the way, is wicked smart?

He's wicked smart.

Okay, cool.

And wicked pisser? Here's what I'm going to say. I want, if your mom's ever in town, she must be on the podcast.

She will do that.

And I want to do a segment where she calls in for like, she leaves a voicemail, like a 30 second voicemail to just like recap what's up with her. Because you sent us a text that was her reviewing the Wahlberg restaurant, Wahlburgers. This is the funniest fucking thing I've ever heard. Your mom's amazing.

She also, I think, was a fan of when we were talking about the Pontius Pilate riddle.

Oh yeah.

She was like, I loved that. I didn't love the Bible puns, but I loved it.

Well, nobody does. We didn't love making them.

Alright, are we ready?

Yes. Blame whoever wrote the Bible.

So for these I don't... King James. Thank God. So these I don't know the answers to so don't get mad at me if these riddles aren't phenomenal. Okay. Are we ready?

Yes. Erin, when are you gonna clean your room?

Dad.

Erin, when are you going to start being so mean to us? All right, here we go. Yes. Riddle. This is more, this kind of feels more like a warm-up for this.

Math teacher.

Math teacher.

Don't even.

A man was born in Greece, raised in Spain, and died in San Francisco. What is he?

A mutt. He was raised in Greece. No, born in Greece.

He's bacon. Wait, where was he?

A man was born in Greece, raised in Spain, and died in San Francisco. What is he?

Okay, born, how do you spell Greece?

Uh, G-R-E-E-C-E.

Okay, so it's not what I thought. So it's the oil. It's not the oil. He's dead. What is he? He's dead? He's dead.

Yes, you got it.

That's it?

Mm-hmm.

I'll say that's dad.

Yes.

That's a dad. Yeah, it's definitely a dad thing. Definitely a dad joke. Also, not to be that guy, but that's more of a warm-up, Riddle.

Yeah, well, I kind of switched these around. Oh, okay.

I met Erin's dad once, and he took me out into a field, took a long stick, started poking something. He goes, what's that? And I go, dead? If that didn't really happen, you don't have to be disgusted.

Well, I don't know why I was lied to. Presented a true story and I was lied to. Let's get some more drive time riddles.

This one's kind of fun because it feels like a math problem. Okay. And I know Adal hates math.

Should we wait and hold off on this until we have one that's more than just kind of fun? Or will people do you think that they'll be like, they'll be like, yeah, let's listen to something that's kind of fun. We got a lot of three star reviews for a kind of fun podcast.

Isn't that sort of our vibe though? Oh yeah.

Kind of fun. I would describe this as not fun.

I'm here under duress. Yeah. I feel like a lot of people are like, Hey, listen to your podcast. And then it's like dead stop. Fun stuff. Oh good. Thank you. Fun stuff.

It's so disorienting having these answers be backwards.

And this is about meth?

A electric train is heading 90 miles per hour south and the wind is blowing 100 miles per hour south. Which way is the smoke blowing?

Wait, what is this again?

I know the answer.

An electric train is heading 90 miles per hour south and the wind is blowing a hundred miles per hour south.

I know the answer as well. Do you want to say it on three? Yeah. Well, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Which way is the smoke blowing?

Which way is the smoke blowing? I think that Erin should be the one to count us down.

Do you know the answer to this? Yes. Okay.

I mean, I've, I've guessed it, so I guess I don't know it, but. I feel it in my heart. One, two, three. Hiccups. Oh my gosh.

Yes, we got it.

Let's try this again and not be jerk faces.

Hold on, I think I actually do know the answer to this. Okay, what is it? It's an electric train, so there's no smoke.

What I was going to say is that it's a train that uses coal and smoke, but the electric ear splitters are on board the train.

Oh yeah. Remember that hot band? Not the electric ear splitters, it's the band train. In the silent atmosphere, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey I think that was one of the suggestions, was it not?

I guess so. We also had, the other day Arnie was like, you should have called it My Riddle Pony. And now I'm like, we fucked up.

Yeah. But do you think that we would have encroached on like My Little Pony fans? Cause like, I don't want to pretend to be something that I'm not. And that's a pretty big fan base.

But fans of our podcast who are also Bronies could be called Ronies or maybe just Ronnies.

Hey, we're Ronnies and we love riddles. That makes sense.

Are we ready?

Yes, Erin.

A man was found dead with a cassette recorder in one hand and a gun in the other. When the police came in, they immediately pressed the play button on the cassette. He said, I have nothing else to live for. I can't go on. Then the sound of a gunshot. After listening to the cassette tape, the police knew that it was not a suicide, but a homicide. How did they know?

Because the man was behind a bar called the Half Horse.

Yes.

Because they took the cassette out and it was Kidz Bop.

There's a bunch of eight-year-olds singing, meet Virginia.

I can't go on. I don't want to live anymore. And then, blam!

Cut my life into pieces. This is my last resort.

Okay, so there's got to be something with this one with... How many suicides do you think was caused by Kidz Bop? Oh, all of them. Most? Yeah, I think most. And just like... Okay, do you know the answer to this one?

I feel like I know the answer to this one, but I can't... I can only think about Cars 4 Kids doing a Kidz Bop crossover.

Okay, you're on a completely different wavelength. Erin, can you read the riddle one more time?

I would love to.

Thank you.

A man was found dead with a cassette recorder in one hand and a gun in the other. When the police came in, they immediately pressed the play button on the cassette. He said, I have nothing else to live for. I can't go on. Then the sound of a gunshot.

Oh, I got it.

After listening to the cassette tape, the police knew it was not a suicide, but a homicide. How did they know?

These are all from your dad?

No, this one's not from my dad. Actually, I don't remember who sent me that one.

Riddles for me papa.

Here's what I'll say. This riddle is a la Eminem, the song Stan.

Oh yeah.

Where he's recording it and then he goes, he drives into the lake and he goes, oh wait, how am I supposed to get this shit out?

Yeah.

Which means how are we listening to the song if Em drove him and his baby mama into the lake?

Yeah, the song doesn't make sense in a linear version of what time or what we see time as, but I think that the song Stan exists in the fifth dimension. That's why I think that we're able to hear it because time is a flat circle. It's wrapped around in on itself. Now, the other thing was this man. She said that. She said it's a man who has the tape recorder in the gun and a police officer. The officer is a woman. Doctor. It's the doctor.

I think it's murder because if they heard the gunshot, who stopped the tape recorder?

Well, he pressed play and then it was like, I can't go on. Who rewound it?

Yeah, that's true. Oh, the rewind.

It's the rewind button. It's the rewind button. And here's the thing. Did they dust the rewind button? Finish the riddle. Did they dust the rewind button for Prince?

Why are you yelling at me?

Okay, here's the scene I want to see. I'm gonna see a scene between Adal and Erin. You have arrived on the scene of what is an apparent suicide. The police officers have cordoned off the area. You are the two detectives. And just for a little bit of flavor, Erin, your detective character is a psychic. We'll see if that comes into play. But you are two detectives investigating the scene of the crime.

I have one question. Yes. Are characters welcome?

Oh, Monk, you better be. That was nothing. That was nothing.

That was something.

That was something to a lot of people.

What do we have here? Apparent suicide. Some poor bastard's mom or dad dead.

All I'm saying is that if I don't get to use my powers in this case, I'm going to really lose it.

Powers. You keep saying that.

You keep saying you have powers. Hey, if we're not married by the time we're 60... Aren't you 60? I'm 63. Just like that Beatles song, right?

Not quite.

Hey, who do you think killed his body? I'm thinking... Let me check this guy's wallet. Ah, passport to Greece. Ooh, there's also a stamp in Spain. Of course, we're detectives in San Francisco.

Hold on, I'm getting something.

Quit reaching into his pocket.

I'm getting something out of the pocket. But wait, now I see something. In my mind's eye. I thought you were going to interrupt me again. What? That's why I paused. Just then I thought I was going to get interrupted. But it turns out you were going to let me talk.

Seemed like you had something.

Now I do. It's in my mind's eye.

You're walking backwards slowly.

I see better in this side of the room.

Hey Kaczynski, what's your fucking deal?

I need this.

You won the lottery 10 times. Why are you still working here?

I need this. I need the validation. I see something. What do you see? In my mind's eye. Quick. Get a piece of pen and paper. Draw this.

Okay.

It's half parrot. Half horse, but it can't fly because the horse half weighs it down.

Creak! Slam! Kaczynski, Rodolfo, get over here. Yes, Chief? I got some bad news.

Did you carry that door to the scene of the crime outdoors just so you could slam it behind you?

I did, Rodolfo, and you've got a smart mouth and a sharper tongue, so you better watch yourself.

Oh, look, a tape recorder.

A tape recorder? Well, that's what I was coming in to tell you about. You know my kid, Chris? Sure. He got picked up on that Kidz Bop contract.

Oh, congratulations, Chief.

Oh, good for you, buddy. I know. I'm fuckin' sweatin' my balls off here, waitin' for this Kidz Bop letter to come in, and it came in. Chris is gonna be on Kidz Bop. Can you believe it?

Which song is his solo? Which song is his solo?

You'll never guess. Deadmau5. What's that? Deadmau5? That's not it. More guesses.

Whenever, wherever, we're meant to be together.

That song about titanium. Nope, it's Justin Bieber's I'm Not the One.

How does that go?

It has a piccolo at the start? I think so.

You're telling me that song starts with a piccolo?

Hold on, let me find it, let me get there. I have to get into it. Shut up Rodolfo, let me get into the song. DJ Khaled's in it, you know?

Anyway... No, we're not going to interrupt you.

So wait, you're telling me that some poor bastard kid is going to be DJ Khaled and just... Wait, wait, don't Google it.

Find it. No, no one's going to be DJ Khaled. He's doing the Kidz Bop. But my boy is going to be doing the Justin Bieber part.

But without looking at your phone sheet.

Oh, I'm not looking at my phone. Ah, yeah, you're looking at the truth. The money never lie. No, I'm the one. Yeah, I'm the one. Early morning in the dawn? No, you want a ride? No, that's right, I'm the one. Yeah, that's right, I'm the one. Yeah, yeah, you're sick of all those other imitators. Don't let...

Mercy, mercy.

What's the melody of that?

I don't know. Sorry. Ah boy. DJ Khaled.

The guy works. It's a living.

I'm gonna say that was a mom riddle.

I actually, I don't, someone sent that to me and I took a screenshot of it and I don't over text and I didn't keep the name. So if you're my loved one who sent me that, I love you.

I didn't keep the name. Oh, I understand. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I had to conceptualize it.

But they know I love them. Right?

Yeah.

Okay. Um, this one's from my mom and this is one she likes. She highlighted this.

So I guess we won't guess if it's mom or dad. Well, I still will.

Oh, I ruined the game. I ruined it.

No! It's not ruined for me. I wasn't listening. It still works for me.

Now you know what it was like to be friends with me as a kid. I ruined the game. That's what I said every day.

And someone's like, it's just Banjo-Kazooie too. We can restart it.

No, I ruined it.

No, it's, it's just going back to the safe point.

Um, I used, my sister used to play so much Banjo-Tooie and Banjo-Kazooie and because I idolized her so much and I was just trying to please her, uh, she would, we would play Nintendo cafe, which is that she would just play that game and I would bring her any food she wanted and give her massages as she played just so I could feel included. Anyway, that's Riddle.

Wow, Kathleen, you have a lot to answer for.

Oh, it's the other one. It's Molly.

Oh. Erin, that is the saddest story.

I would put a little towel over my arm and be like, Miss, what can I get you? Nachos it is.

We had a younger cousin who, it was me and my two brothers, and we had a younger cousin who was significantly younger than us, and he used to want to play video games with, like N64, and we would always unplug a controller and give him an unplugged controller and tell him he was all the bad guys. So, I mean nobody's hands are clean here. We're all in this hell together. Sometimes I feel sitting across the table from all of you that this is purgatory and we have to be here.

Listen, every episode we might get to some pussies and riddies, but it's mostly formative traumatic childhood events. It's gonna be a lot of talking through lyrics.

I also have one early on from my existence, but you know what, I'll save this one for another day. There's plenty of formative childhood experiences to come along.

I'm crying. I've never related to anything more than you saying that in my life.

I can't believe Nintendo Cafe, when you were saying that, I was like, I don't remember Nintendo Cafe. Then I was like, oh yeah, because I didn't grow up with psychopaths.

Can we just do like the briefest scene, and all I want to see is I want some redemption. I want, Erin, you're going to be your sister's waiter, and I want JPCU to be the sister, Molly, and I just want you to stand up to her.

Today's the day. Okay, so we're playing Nintendo Cafe?

You're playing Nintendo Cafe, and you're bossing her around, and Erin, you just stand up to her.

Can you give me a keyword, Erin, just to get into a Boston accent?

Erin, Erin get the frick in here. Hey Molly, here's your Minute Maid Lemonade and Caped Crab Potato Chips.

I'm a Wario. I don't want the half cash. Oh good, I'm winning. I said I wanted the Minute Maid Honored Palma, not a freaking lemonade. It's half and half, Erin.

Hey Molly, can I play Banjo-Tooie?

Can you what?

Can I play Banjo Tooie? You're on Grunty Industries and you're really struggling.

Why would I let a waiter play frickin' Banjo Tooie when I'm at a frickin' restaurant, Erin?

I'm your only younger sister and I know you love me somewhere. And I know I steal your clothes like someone's paying me to.

You do what?

Peach wants chai tea. Wait, hold on.

Why don't you freaking stand up for yourself?

This man over here has an endless amount of Nintendo impressions. Excuse me, sir.

Yes?

Can you continue on?

What's this freak doing in our freaking house? It's freaking Boston here.

I'm the inventor of Nintendo. My name is Jeffrey Nintendo.

Oh, yeah? Jeffrey Nintendo? You're an American who invented Nintendo?

I'm from, uh, what's the, uh, Japan. Okay.

Now do Yoshi.

Bowsa? Any other brain busters? Bowsa? Rawr! Now do someone from Banjo-Tooie.

Oh, it's DJ Collin!

Scene.

Congratulations, Erin. Congratulations, Erin. Happy birthday.

Thank you so much. I still get a song from Banjo-Tooie stuck in my head two or three times a week. That's how much I watched my sister play that game. Oh my god. Are We Ready?

Monday sighs are mean, mean.

The more of me you take, the more of me there are.

Ecstasy.

What am I?

Gremlins. It's a gremlin on ecstasy. Skittles. There's three rules. Don't get it wet. Don't get it in the sun. Don't give it ecstasy.

Don't let it party.

Did you let this gremlin listen to EDM? Well, there's your problem.

DJ Khaled Okay, the more of me you take The more of me there is?

What was it? One more time.

The more of me you take, the more of me there are. What am I?

The more of me you take, the more of me there are.

Chickenpox. The more of me you take, the more of me there are. Ideas. I... Showers.

Yes, showers. I want to take mine back. Ideas, which is a good guess. And I want to also agree with showers, which is a bad guess.

This is one of the rare cases that my first guess was correct.

A curious case of Benjamin Riddles.

Does he age backwards? Benjamin Riddles, when you're 19.

When you age backwards to 40.

OK, shall we marry? You got this on your first guess, Erin?

Yeah, in my brain I went I thought it was gonna be a very obvious.

Oh, you don't have to explain how thinking works Okay, okay, oh boy The more of me you take the more of me there is There are there are Man, I don't know.

I'm trying I think it's some like abstract concept.

Mm-hmm. Is that right Aaron?

Sort of, yeah. Like I think it's one of those things where it's in the wording.

Okay, one more time?

It's not an object, though. Okay. The more of me you take, the more of me there are. What am I?

And in the end, the love you make is equal to the love you hiccups. Hiccups. Fear and loathing in Las Vegas. Steps. Oh, yes steps. Is it steps?

Footsteps.

Oh.

You did it!

Footsteps.

That was awesome.

Oh my god, it's footsteps.

Well done.

I guess showers wasn't so fucking bad after all.

What do you mean?

Well, it was clearly wrong, but I eventually got it.

I have another one that will take two seconds to get it right away, but I like how long of a riddle this is. I hope to make you comfortable. I must work while you're awake, but when you're asleep, I do my job and don't take a single break.

Is this is something you wrote for Molly when you were her waitress? Yes.

I'm partly a guard. I'm partly a case. I'm not hard to move, but I'm always in the exact same place. What am I? I'm going to read it again. I help make you comfortable. I must work while you're awake. But when you're asleep, I do my job and I don't take a single break. I'm partly a guard. I'm partly a case. I'm not hard to move, but I'm always in the exact same place. What am I?

Bodyguard.

Yeah, I was gonna say a bodyguard.

Hands down, 100%.

Final answer. A bed. No, partly a case coffin.

You know how a coffin protects you when you're sleeping?

Yes. Sleeping forever, eternal sleep, death, coffin. Partly a guard and partly a case.

Glasses. Contacts.

You're getting closer.

You're listening to 91.1, The Riddle.

I wish there was a word for the emotion that you feel when you're- Horny.

When I talk, you're horny. And now let's go to some Tilby Keith, I wanna talk about me. Kidz Bop version.

No, I'm just, the emotion that you have in your body when you know your cousins are like lying to you, but you're still just happy to be in the room with them. It's like the deepest heartbreak you feel.

I thought you were going to stop there and say, what's the emotion that you feel when you're looking at someone you know in your heart that they're your cousin?

Not on paper, but you feel it.

Yeah, I've got sonar, but for cousins.

So if you think Erin nailed it, use the hashtag keefinitreal.

Don't, because no one's going to use it.

Oh, that's not true. I'll use keefinitreal. Use the hashtag keefinitreal.

But use it when I do OK. Don't use it sarcastically.

Just OK, OK.

Yeah, tweet at Erin and hashtag Keifinitreal. It'll make her day. And if you, if listening to me makes you at all horny, I want you to tweet at me, hashtag JPSoHorny. Please don't do that. Please don't do that. Oh, no one do that. No one tweet at me.

Here's a listener submitted riddle from Jared Anderson. Jared says, at first I was nervous about trying to write a riddle, but then I heard that bullshit apartment complex mail pod riddle in episode 2 and thought, oh yeah, I can give this a shot. Hey Jared, love that you wrote in, hate the tone.

I love that we're encouraging people to be like, I am good at riddles.

So here's one I guess Jared wrote. So here we go. This is a little bit long, but I think it's pretty good. Okay. Butterscotch has always had a green thumb. Even in her small apartment, she keeps over 40 houseplants green and growing. She is estranged from her wealthy conservative father and physician mother. Because of her intense dislike of technology, she has no phone, computer, or television. One day she is surprised to receive a certified letter informing her that her father has died suddenly. The letter states that her father wants to make amends for their past animosity and desires to pass on a great fortune to his only daughter, Butterscotch. In return for her father's wealth, Butterscotch would simply need to take ownership of one additional plant. She refuses without a second thought. Why? So she has over 40 houseplants at home. She has a green thumb. She hates her mom and dad. They're estranged. Father dies.

Conservative.

That's what it is. Conservative.

No, that's a conservative father.

Father dies, and to make amends, leaves her a plant. She just needs to take ownership of one additional plant. She refuses without a second thought. Why?

This is a very clever user-submitted riddle, because I can't give a joke answer that the mother is a doctor, or the doctor is the mother, because that was in the opening salvo. So I'm really up shits creek right now.

Are her thumbs literally green?

Erin, I want you to go outside. Sure.

No, I'm way ahead of you. See you guys later.

See ya, Erin.

I get it. I think I may know. I think that the second, the plant at the end is not a plant.

It's not a plant.

It's actually, Butterscotch is not a woman. She's a Werther's Original.

Well, Butterscotch is the name of a Labrador Retriever. So this is a dog.

But it does say she's a good girl.

My dad says I'm a Werther's Original. There's no one else like me, huh?

Before we get to the hints, I think that you're correct, Erin. I think that plant is the operative word that we're looking for here. So real quick, since Adal already knows the answer, can we brainstorm some other things that we think that this plant could be?

Sure.

A power plant.

A power plant was my first instinct as a conservative father and then the technology thing to be mentioned. This is a good-ass riddle.

I think it's a little too obvious. So let's let's get past that. What other types of plants do we have? An audience plant, like you're like in a magic show and you are gonna be like, yeah, my name is Jeremy and like my father died, you know, it's like you're a mentalist.

I can't believe I'm being picked.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What other types of plants?

I was gonna say like a plant in the audience we just like if you go to a magic show like a plant in the audience oh what about a power plant like a power plant hiccups what about a Robert plant It's Robert Plant, Led Zeppelin.

Yeah, it's Robert Plant from Led Zeppelin.

What if they did a Kidz Bop version of just Stairway to Heaven?

John Bopnum?

I like that. He's asking her to plant herself in one place and not move.

Oh, do you think that the dad died, the mother had a stroke, and now she's like a vegetable? And in quotes, in quotes, and that's a type of plant? No, if that's too horrible, I guess I'm wrong for asking fucking questions.

Butterscotch. Yeah, let's get some hints. Okay, I'm not gonna give you hints because you basically got it, but what I am gonna do is... Wait, did he write hints though? He did, but what I do want to do is I'm gonna give the answer in a new segment that I'm gonna call ASMR Riddles. And this is where I read the answer in a tone of an ASMR podcast.

Okay.

The plant Butterscotch's father wanted to give her is a coal-burning power plant. The antithesis of everything Butterscotch loves. Here's my shotgun.

Did you have a... Not scary enough. Can I hear just what the hints were really quick? I'm curious.

Yeah, the hints were, is Butterscotch's name significant? No, she was named after the family's horse.

Oh! Half horse? Wow. Wow.

She's half horse, half human. And again, all you art students at Loyola, now's your time to shine.

Do they have to be art students at Loyola?

They specifically can't be art students.

They have to be students at Loyola that are not art students. You submit it to our Twitter, hashtag it JPSoHorny.

And you don't even have to be studying horses. You could be studying anything that isn't art.

Here's the caveats. You have to go to Loyola. You cannot be an art student. Your name has to be art.

Or student.

Is there more than one Loyola?

We'll never know. It's impossible to know. It's impossible to not.

It's one of life's great mysteries.

Was Butterscotch's father's job relevant to her refusal? Yes. Does it matter that Butterscotch's mother is a doctor? Not unless you're sexist.

It's a living! Wow, we nailed it.

I really liked that riddle.

And Jared ends the email with, I'm loving the show. Keep up the great work with the Riddies and Puzzies.

Let me see that. Did he really say that? Yeah. That's not on there. Why would you add that?

It's written in crayon at the bottom of the email.

Jared, you printed it off and then Jared hand wrote that last part, huh?

Wait, I think that's one of my favorite.

I needed a win. What's the last name? Last name? Yeah. Jared Anderson.

Jared Anderson. That's a perfect anagram for Adal Rifai. Interesting. Oh, we got you. Wait, let me count the letters.

That might be my favorite riddle since the cabin pressure. Yeah.

Yeah, that was excellent. And I love that they wrote it themselves. That's awesome.

Jared, here's what I'm going to say. You're an honorary Old Man Puzzies. Wow. If you send in any more that you've handwritten, we will read them pronto.

Don't do that. This person's just going to write a bunch that we can't keep that promise.

Jared, there's an asterisk next to that offer.

Also Jared- We are not your friends. Congratulations on earning an honor that we literally just made up.

Congratulations, you're our 10th caller.

Somebody kill me.

Well, that's all for Hey Riddle Riddle. Let's go around the horn and see if we have anything to plug JPC.

Oh, it's your boy JPC. And by boy, I mean half man, half horse. Oh boy, this is wrecking my voice. Well, if you are a fan of content on Twitch, you can follow IcePicklesOW. Monday nights at 7 p.m. Central, we stream Overwatch, or OneShotRPG, Thursday nights at 7 o'clock Central, we stream the board game Gloomhaven.

And I'm Erin Keif, and I'm a waitress down at the Nintendo Cafe. Come on in, and I'll give you Cheez-Its while you try to get through a level in a video game. But if you don't want to do that, go to Instagram right now, on your phone, open Instagram, and then type in wetbus, W-E-T-B-U-S, and you'll find out every time we have a show. And I'm there most of the time. And JPC, you've seen Wet Bus. You know how people do quotes on the back of books?

Yes.

Like saying how they feel? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. What's your quote about Wet Bus?

It's not a sandwich, but I'll eat it.

Okay. Okay.

And then what's the, if Erin had a yearbook, what's the inscription you'd make in the back of that yearbook?

Sorry that I broke your brother's hearts, and sorry that all your sisters are the B word.

You don't sound sorry.

And I'm Adal Rifai. You can check out Hello from the Magic Tavern, which is another podcast. You can check out Siblings Peculiar, which is a podcast I do with my sister, Sadiya Rifai, who never was terrible to me that I remember. So it must be the truth.

Must be nice.

Bully for you. Although we did used to play Super Mario Brothers, and she would jump. She would hold the controller and then jump if she wanted the character to jump. Like seated. She thought it was like motion controlled.

Did that drive you crazy?

This has been Hey Riddle Riddle, created by Adal Rifai, starring Erin Keif, and John Patrick Coan, KG Snyder's indie editing,

How are you parents in the music? Logo created by Emily Cardenas and Emily Devoris. That was a HeadGum podcast.