Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

You asked for it, you got it. Hey Riddle Riddle. It's the podcast Hey Riddle Riddle. Do you like that intro?

I love that intro, and me laughing was a sign that I liked the intro.

Good. Just a little self-conscious about that as I was saying it. This is the podcast for pussies and riddies, for all you Kevins and Susies out there. My name is Adal Rifai.

I'm JPZ.

And I'm Erin Keif, and you lost confidence halfway through that opening. I saw it on your face.

Joke's on you, I never had confidence.

I guess the joke's on all of us then, isn't it?

And today's episode is a special one for two reasons. One, we're going to do our first mailbag episode, meaning that this is all going to be listener submitted riddles and puzzies, riddies and puzzies. I'll be playing the role of old man puzzles, of course, for this episode, of course. So I know all the answers to these. And of course, if you ever have a puzzy or riddy you want to send to us, you can send us that at hrrpodcast at gmail.com. I wanted to do this one because we've been getting a ton of riddles. We've gotten about 200 emails or so. Too much. Too many. Too many riddles. And also because I think the biggest complaint about the podcast is that the riddles blow. Does that make sense? Yeah. The pussies and riddies blow.

I've had a lot of feedback that I suck on the podcast. But yes, and the riddles are also bad.

So what I wanted to do was be like, well, here's some listeners submitted riddies and pussies.

What do we think of that? It's not to improve the show, it's more like, fuck you, you do it better.

Kind of.

Okay, for sure.

Another reason that this episode is so special is because we have our very first guest co-host, one of my best friends, and someone I do another podcast with, Mr. Arnie Niekamp. Hey, thanks for having me on the show. Could you do that again, instead of just saying, hey, can you say the name of the show? Hey Riddle Riddle. Thank you so much. Should I lose confidence halfway through?

I think I did. That's mandatory if you say the name of the show. You do have to lose utter confidence halfway through.

And we're excited to have you on. Thank you so much for doing this.

I'm very excited to be on.

Arnie does a podcast called Hello from the Magic Tavern. Do you want to promote that on here?

Yes. We'll wait till the end of the show. Okay. It's kind of like Ouroboros eating its own tail, huh? I have a question for Arnie since you're new to the podcast to Hey Riddle Riddle. Welcome, welcome. How do you feel about riddles? Most of us here hate them. We've discovered throughout the course of the show.

I would say that I generally assume that I'm like slightly riddle positive, but listening to the podcast... Sounds like a medical condition.

Honey, I have some bad news.

I'm riddled with pussies. But listening to the podcast, I'm like, that's right. I do hate riddles, but I enjoy hating them. I've listened to all the ones that have come out and I enjoy it very much.

I think that's the target audience. People that think that they like riddles and then hear the podcast and realize that they hate riddles.

I think the target demographic is people who want to enjoy how much they hate it and then contact us and be like, these riddles suck. It's like, no, we know. It's like emailing MSDK3000 and being like, Hey, honestly, those movies are bad.

I think our demographic is cats in human clothes who decided to go to work.

And that brings us to our first dead stop. Erin, what was that?

I think our target demographic is cats in human clothes.

Great. So I heard correctly. But I was totally on board, but then overlooked. Then it was followed up by, and those cats have decided to go to work. Those cats are like today's the day.

Yeah, and they're like, I'm tired of sleeping all day. I'm gonna put on a suit. I'm gonna go on the train and on my commute I'm gonna listen to this podcast.

Yeah, what would a human do? They'd listen to this podcast.

Cats need to fill that commute time with something. Most importantly when they walk around in the world in the workplace, are they walking on four legs or two legs? There's a right answer.

What cat walks on two legs to work, four legs at lunch, and then three legs in the afternoon?

So I thought to start off with Arnie doing a special puzzle just for him. You two can kind of play along or chime in if you want. But my friend Arnie is very good at math. Is this a trap?

We brought you on the podcast to do math questions. Can I use scratch paper?

This is a parent trap. And so what we're going to do is we have a math puzzy for Arnie here. So what's going to happen here is this. Arnie, I want you to write down this equation. Just for people who couldn't see what happened, a cat just walked into the studio in a full three-piece suit, excused himself, and sneezed all over the place.

My family pointed out that I sneezed in a previous episode and no one said anything. Just a heads up.

Great, your family pointed that out?

Yeah, they're trying to defend my honor.

So what do you think of the new podcast I'm doing, Mom and Dad?

You sneezed and the gentleman didn't say anything.

Bad manners. Arnie, you're going to write this down. 8 plus 8 equals 91. Cool, 8 plus 8 equals 91. Now with that equation in front of you, on that piece of paper, here's what you need to do. And this is a puzzy submitted by our friend Garrett Kelly, so we'll give him credit for that. Arnie, what you're going to do is this. Change one thing besides the numbers to make the below equation correct. 8 plus 8 equals 91. Change one thing about the numbers to make... No, besides the numbers. Change one thing besides the numbers to make the below equation correct.

Eight plus eight equals 91.

Arnie, talk us through your process. Okay, so I'm looking at these numbers that I've written down. Great start. No, it's a terrible start.

Those are the ones that you can't change. I would look at anything but those numbers.

I'm looking at the numbers. I'm totally ignoring the symbols.

You sound like a cat who's gone to work for the first day.

Honestly, the first thing that goes to my mind is So if this one is specifically for me, am I the only one who needs to figure it out? Or do John and Erin, like, are they in on it? Is this some kind of prank? This is mostly, I mean, I guess if I had to kind of talk through why I did this, it's mostly to shame and embarrass you. So if you want to take the full brunt of this, but also JPC and Erin can play it wrong. If they know it, please say that you know it.

I'll just go ahead and say that I know it and I will take no follow-up questions. Do you know it because you've heard it before? No, I don't know it and I don't know it.

Okay, 8 plus 8 equals 91. Change. So, change one thing in general, besides the numbers, to make the equation correct.

So, I have a question. This is going to sound stupid. Is 8 times 8 91? No.

Okay, well then.

That sounds very stupid.

So, yeah, like the first, I feel like the first thing I think of and the thing that it seems like it's leading you towards is thinking that if you either change the plus sign or the equal to something, like, is it a simple math problem? But it can't be. I'll give you a hint. You don't have to know math.

Oh, well that qualifies me to help answer this as well.

Okay.

What if it just doesn't equal 81? Or, what if it just doesn't equal 81?

Oh, you know, I could write a line through, that is an actual mathematical symbol. Here's what I'll say. What if I change the equal to equal-ish? I don't remember the actual term for it. Which is my favorite, rapper from Washington State, equal-ish. Can I change the, can I change the choice to have come and done the podcast? Yes, that's the one thing that you could change. That's what it was, that's the correct answer, and now that equation is correct.

I wish I hadn't have been here.

The answer is, well, the not equal sign is actually correct, so shit, there's two answers. But the other answer is to turn the piece of paper upside down and now you have 16 equals 8 plus 8.

What the, oh my, that's magic.

That's amazing.

Honestly, pretty, pretty good, Garrett. So I take back what I said, listeners. These are some better Puzzies and Riddies. That is better. I'm sorry for doubting you.

Yeah, there was no doubt in my mind that the listeners are right about the podcast and they are smarter than us. That's just absolutely true. And we thank you very much for sending these in.

My favorite reviews on either Apple podcasts or on Twitter is just people being like, love this podcast, so funny. I figured out all the riddles immediately. I'm just like, oh no. All of them? Yeah. Some of them were unfigureoutable.

Oh yeah, well, Arnie brings up a good point. Most of these riddles are trash.

Arnie, here's what I want to let you know. A lot of the riddles, you've listened to the episodes. Here's how a lot of the riddles that we've been doing work. A man is found dead on the sidewalk. He's wearing a Mickey Mouse hat. His name has four letters. He usually speaks to his mom on Mondays and Sundays, but not on Tuesdays or Thursdays. His favorite color is blue. His least favorite color is orange. How did he die? And then the answer would be he fell out of a building.

Yeah, he was shot.

None of that information matters. It's either that or it's the exact opposite. It's a complete bookend where it's like a man is dead next to a butterscotch candy. How did he die? And then it's like, well, he went to a candy store. He got in a fight. He was kicked out. The man shoved the butterscotch down his throat. He coughed it up with his dying breath. It's Parse out this complicated scenario in exactly the way I'm thinking of it, although it could have gone down any number of other ways. There's a fine line between a riddle and just a stupid question.

I had a friend say to me recently that the best riddles feel more like a story with a hole in it. And I thought that was good.

God bless you.

Forget it.

I feel like the most successful ones are like magic tricks where it's just misdirection where they are very correctly assuming what preconception you're gonna have. Like the one we just did. Like the one I just did. Let's get into some more. These are listeners submitted Puzzies and Riddies. This one's from Kelly P. Kelly says, you live in a one-story house made entirely of redwood.

How does she know?

Oh this says specifically for JPC. Holy shit. At night you go into the fridge and grab one Diet Coke. What's going on?

What's going on? What's going on?

Why won't you acknowledge me?

The end.

Sip it slower JPC, sip it slower. You live in a one-story house made entirely of red wood. What color would the stairs be?

Does it say what color would the stairs be? W-O-O-D?

No. Always looking for the homophones.

I love the homophones. That's the secret. You live in a redwood house.

You live in a one-story house made entirely of redwood. What color would the stairs be?

I know it. I know it. I know it.

Go ahead and say it.

There are no stairs. You don't bury the survivors.

What are these ghosts in here for? You live in a one-story house is the answer, so there are no stairs. This I have issue with. I take umbrage because you could have stairs down to the basement. This is the corner Adal's issues. Or just a stoop.

Did your houses have basements?

Yeah, where'd you grow up? England?

New England, sir. No, my house had a basement, but I feel like that's not a... Common thing? No, I just don't feel like everyone has basements.

You feel like you're special because you have a basement in your house?

Yeah, yeah, I thought maybe. I guess not.

I think not everyone has basements, but I think Adal's problem with this is not everyone does not have basements.

That's true. Yeah, I also grew up in a, one of my houses that I grew up in was a ranch style house.

Monier houses must be nice, money bags.

Yeah, really nice to have, you know what?

All that Indianapolis money.

Indianapolis money. It goes a long way in Indianapolis. But we had like two stairs up to like the porch and there were like two stairs into the garage. So that's a bad riddle and the listener who submitted that riddle did a bad job.

Or maybe just a slightly recessed living room.

That's funny.

You know it's funny if Erin says that's funny.

I mean it.

The Erin stamp of approval.

Erin never laughs. She just says either that's funny or says that's not funny.

I'm a robot woman.

I do ADR all of Erin's laughs into the podcast. So if you do hear Erin giggle, that is me in a recording booth alone.

Then why'd you give me such a weird laugh?

I do all the sneezes. Here's another one for you. This is also from Kelly. So we'll see if she can redeem herself. A prisoner is told, if you tell a lie, we will hang you. If you tell the truth, we will shoot you. What can the prisoner say to save themselves? I'm horny. That's what it is. Wow.

If you tell a lie,

If you tell a lie, we will hang you. If you tell the truth, we will shoot you. What can the prisoner say to save themselves?

So does the prisoner have to say anything?

The prisoner does have to say something to save themselves. Do you think it's kind of a thing of like they'll take pity if the prisoner just kind of emotionally shuts down?

Yeah, first of all, I think this is a messed up thing to do to another human being. I think that this has to be illegal. There's no way that they have the right to punish a prisoner for lying versus telling the truth.

This brings us to our favorite segment, Righteous Moment with JPC. So let's maybe play out, even though we don't know the answer yet, let's play out... Oh wow. JPC, you are going to be executed, okay? If you tell a lie, they'll hang you. If you tell the truth, they'll shoot you. Arnie and Erin, why don't you play the guards or the executioners? And let's just see where this goes with JPC being self-righteous.

Wake up!

I was having the most beautiful dream. Put your head in this noose. What? And this gun next to your head. Okay, I'm holding the gun now. Thank you. Ah, shit, I should not have given him the gun. Cock.

Hey buddy, it's your first day, stop being so hard on yourself.

Alright, now here's the way this is gonna go down. I just need this job.

Oh, he's pointing the gun at us.

Yeah, you're both fucked now, okay? I know. Now here's the way this is- I'm gonna get fired. This is the way that this is gonna go down. I want you two to do a little scene for me, okay? I want you to play a prisoner and you have two choices. You get shot or you get hung. You get hung if you tell the truth and you get shot if you lie. You're gonna be the prisoner's other guard friend. So now you hold the gun up to your head and put this noose around your neck.

Okay.

Okay.

This is like a turducken.

What?

Nothing.

Very specific request from him.

Oh wait, but now we have the gun. Oh shit. Okay.

Alright. But wait, I'm getting out of here, you two. You, guard, I want you to act out a scenario for me.

Okay, who am I playing?

We'll never do what you say, you dirty scumbag. You're gonna be a prisoner, and if you- I've already forg- Lime! You're going to tell the truth or lie. Okay, you're going to tell the truth. Hey Arnie, do you have a second? Can I come see over here? Okay, sure. In my theater professor's office. Okay, sure. Ooh, dramatic scarf fling. Of course, I'm the theater professor here at Acting U. I've learned a lot. Oh, is the middle of my sentence the beginning of yours? Everything I'm saying is in a parenthesis. Is this a David Mamet play? You're just going to cut me off in the middle to curse and swear?

So I'm getting away from the reality of this. This is my cellmate who was a former acting professor who then committed arson and burnt down the acting school. Hey cellmate.

Cellmate? My name's John. John?

Yeah, call me John.

I just want to... I feel like cellmate has more character. I really miss... I feel like we're gonna die in here and I really miss acting. Would you mind acting out a scenario where you're a prisoner about to be executed. Okay. I'm a guard and we'll act that out. It would really help me keep my sanity if I could act.

Fine, but consider this your last meal. What? I get your last meal. I trade you this for your last meal.

It doesn't matter, we're going to be killed.

Well yeah, but I want your last meal.

You want to die a little piggy?

Wait, what?

You want to overstuff yourself?

Put this noose on your neck and this gun by your head.

Noose on your neck, gun in your head, okay? Okay. Now, if you tell the truth, you die. If you lie, you live.

Did that guard over there say turducken at some point? End scene.

Okay, so I think we got there. We figured it out. The answer to this riddle is

The answer to this riddle is, you will hang me. That's what the prisoner has to say. Oh, I was going to say, if you tell a lie, we will hang you. If you tell the truth, we will shoot you. So if the prisoner says, you will hang me, they're in a bit of a pickle. I see. They don't like paradox. I would have just said, what is truth? Arnie, how do you like being on the show so far?

Great. We're going to keep checking in every couple of minutes.

Will all the scenarios involve me being pulled aside and scolded by Adal? Yes. Here we go. Here's another one. This one's from Johnny. That's not my cellmate from the previous scene, but an actual listener from Spokane, Washington. Johnny submits the following puzzy.

I wonder if it's raining for him right now.

Uh, because he's in Washington?

Yeah.

Is Spokane known for rain?

I don't know, I just wonder what's going on with him today.

I just wonder if it's raining for him right now. Like, is he having a rainy day?

Maybe.

So here's the puzzy. What is black, white, and blue all over going down a flight of stairs? What is black, white, and blue all over going down a flight of stairs? And again, this is a listener submitted puzzy because we thought maybe not to choose the puzzies and riddies we normally use because they're too bad.

I don't know that it's a great strategy to be shitting on the people that took the time. I just want to alienate our fan base. I feel like these people aren't the problem.

No, no, no. Everyone, our fan base, I think we'll call them Kevin's and Susie's. Yeah, they're definitely Kevin's and Susie's. Kevin's and Susie's or Koozie's. Koozie's. Or Seven's. Whatever you want in that allotment.

Because some people aren't Kevin's and some people aren't Susie's.

Yeah, absolutely.

But everybody's a 7 to me.

Everyone's a cozy-coozy.

You're like a Midwest 7 as opposed to like a New York 7.

I'm a podcast 7.

But we adore our listenership. We adore everyone who listens, but there's like three people who just really stuck in my craw.

When is a listener not a listener? When we adore them.

Oh, nice.

What is black and white and blue all over going down a flight of stairs?

A zebra who's sad going down the flight of stairs.

So blue all over, that's like a sex thing, right?

Like a penguin receiving a blowjob. It's a penguin and a zebra 69ing and they just came from the Arctic so they're blue.

Yeah, my favorite part in March of the Penguins, that documentary from 10 years ago, is when all of the penguins start blowing each other as part of their, like,

Well, March is fuck month for them, right?

So March of the Penguins is just them having... The penguins walk 400 miles in the Arctic and then they go to tell on each other's ding-dongs.

Andy Dufresne crawled 10 miles... The way Morgan Freeman describes it is really what makes it a lot of fun.

Really makes it pop. The answer to this... No, no, no, no, no. I can get this. I don't need the answer yet.

Is it a play on like the old, what's black and blue and red all over? Black and white. A very similar. Newspaper. Black and white, yeah.

So it's that kind of thinking. Yeah, that's a newspaper, right? Or like a frog in a blender or something like that. Jesus Christ, what? Black and white in a blender.

Or like a penguin falling down the stairs. You know, an Indianapolis movie.

That's so cute too. A frog in a blender. We like our news fresh. What's the, what's this riddle? It's black and white.

And blue all over going down a flight of stairs. I'll give you 10 more seconds.

That's all I need.

A newspaper in the wind that is heading towards the subway.

No, we can get this one.

I think I got it.

No, no, no, we can get it. Going down a flight of stairs. What goes down flights of stairs? Elevators. Escalators.

Nope, those are two things that absolutely do not.

For sure, okay.

Unless they're being installed.

The answer is a nun falling down. Why is she blue? Because of bruises. You seem to know a lot about nun bruises, Arnie. And here's the second part of this puzzy, if we want to call it that. It's more of a weird joke. The second part is, what is black and white and laughing? The nun who pushed her.

Wait, wait, wait, no, wait. Why is it blue?

Because she's getting bruises. Bruises? She's getting bruises. You know bruises, you know bruise clues that kids show where the dog was being abused?

I think that your skin goes blue when you've lost oxygen. So wouldn't a better thing be?

This is Hey Riddle Riddle, not medical textbooks.

I think a better answer to that riddle would be a nun who has been choked to death.

Here's the thing, I'm on to you and I know why this was read. I know why this was read. It's not red, it's blue. Because, all right, we're going to role play this because this is why Adal read this to begin with. So, JPC, I would love if you were a narrator and then Arnie and Adal, I would love if you were the Adal, you were the nun that was being pushed down the stairs.

Ooh, so Arnie gets a little bit of revenge.

I just don't often see you as a villain, Arnie, and I would love to see you get to Great.

Is JPC gonna be like a Morgan Freeman-esque? Yeah. And he'll set the scene?

Well, I'm sure I won't be Morgan Freeman-esque.

Can you be Alan Alda-esque?

Yeah.

So Alan Alda is the narrator and let's go. So Alan Alda is the narrator and is this like a true crime thing?

No, this is more like a documentary a la March of the Penguins.

I need to know exactly what's gonna happen before we start. So is this, do we know each other? Are we nuns?

I want to know the backstory. And what's our names? And that's up to you. Nun and nun.

Hello, this is Alan Alda, and I've just been given a tape of a nun murdering another nun. I am being held here at gunpoint by a man with a mask, and so I will... Well, gun and noose point. All right. I will, I will narrate. Looks like one of the nuns is coming up from behind the other nuns.

Oh, Abigail, you surprised me. Oh, yes, Sister Prudence. I was wondering, would you... I want to show you something over here by this very long staircase. Oh, is it the staircase itself? You know how much I adore architecture. I'm a big Frank Lloyd Wright head. Oh, I guess I could have gone with that story. That story? No, no, no. Oh, no. I want to go. There's a penguin getting a blowjob on the stairs. Ooh, salacious. So I was thinking we should go judge it. Let me ask you something to see if you're telling the truth. Because if you're not, I'll hang you. Oh, all right. Will you hold this gun to your head? Of course. As per standard here at the church. Is the penguin getting a blowjob from their spouse? You know what? I don't know if the penguin is married to that zebra or not.

Oh, okay. This is Alan Alda just cutting in to say that when a penguin gives another penguin a blowjob, it's for life. Penguins pair off one by one and only blow that penguin until the next mating season.

The reason I ask is because when penguins give blowjobs, they blow for life. They wouldn't go and seek out another partner, if that makes sense. So I wanted to see if you're lying, because if you said no, it was a mistress, I would know that you were lying to me. But it seems you're telling the truth. Yeah, that's true. All right, let's go over here. Shove. Oh no! I'm teetering. You're falling so slowly. I'm teetering. Here, my fingers are almost... I'm teetering. Just in case anyone's watching. I grabbed your fingers. Thank you so much. No, that's my trick finger. Oh, but the trick finger has a little zip line that, ooh, caught you in this... and let me pull myself back up.

Oh, but that's my... tear away habit.

My tear away habit. Oh, I'm catching a little bit of air and I'm flying. Look at me, I'm a flying nun.

Seems like a narrator is completely unneeded in this situation.

I guess God wants you to live. I throw myself down the stairs.

I'm coming, Squawk!

What is it called when a bunch of penguins live together or where they live? Is it a rookery? Someone Google it and let me know.

If you're listening to the pod plus, you paid $20 to get to our premium channel. Please Google what is it called when penguins live together and send that to Erin.

Yes, thank you.

And then Erin, would you like to give your phone number?

I love to learn. Just come to my house.

All right, let's go on to the next riddle here. A man is found murdered. Here we go. This is in our wheelhouse. Lots of death on the show. A man is found murdered in a room that has 53 bicycles scattered about. What happened? This is more in the vein of the riddles we usually do.

I need to sit this one out because someone told me this today. I've heard this one as a child as well.

So I also know the answer. I don't know the answer to this riddle, but I do know the- Cool, so fuck me.

We all know it. Do you know it? Yes, because I read it. But you didn't know it before you read it. I didn't know before I read it. But this, I believe this is submitted from Jenna. So a man is found murdered in a room that has 53 bicycles scattered about. What happened? We all know it.

So yeah, so it's, you know, bicycles are playing cards and there's usually 52 in a deck. He was cheating at cards and he got killed.

Ooh, no, actually this is, it was a hipster. Oh, yeah. He was killed for having too many bicycles. Yeah, it was annoying.

With the ones with the big wheel at the front?

Hipsters are notorious for having multiple bicycles. That's their thing. Like Erin said, the one with the big wheel in front and the tiny one in back. No, I know what you're talking about.

I'm agreeing with you.

Erin, I'm trying to agree with you. God bless you.

Erin, do you think hipsters are time travelers?

What am I thinking of?

Alright, that brings us to another scene we're going to play out. Erin, let's have you be a time-traveling hipster.

Absolutely.

Let's have Arnie and JPC, they're going to be living in Boston, but they're not American citizens because this is going to be pre-1776, so they'll be English subjects.

Great. I am going to be an Australian subject.

Perfect. Arnie, do you have an accent you can do?

I will be... Arnie's looking around the room for... Find it as it goes. I thought you said I will be a wolf. I'll be a wolf.

You'll be a wolf dressed as a cat, dressed as a human. And then Erin, why don't you have a Boston accent and you'll be a time-traveling Boston hipster. And we're working at a bicycle store? I don't think that exists. And the two of you are working at an old-timey bicycle store.

Good.

I don't think that exists, but I'll try my best.

G'day. G'day, welcome to the bicycle store. Welcome to our bicycle store.

Uh, oh god, yeah, hi. Um, I was wondering, do you guys have coffee?

Oh, we don't have coffee, but we have fresh farsteers.

What did you just say?

It's Australian for coffee.

What the hell did you just say to me? I swear to god.

Do you want to fight me?

I'm kidding, I never fight.

Oh, I'd also be a little careful because I have a wolf here. What? Where's your wolf? I mean, it's my friend's titty.

It sounds, your voice sounds like you're about to sneeze, but also you have a grape in your mouth.

Are you gonna buy a musical or not?

Did you hear what I said?

Yeah, you said my voice sounds like I'm about to sneeze, except I'm not.

Um. So here's the thing, I am gonna rob you and I'm gonna steal your bikes.

Oh Riddle, I love Riddles. Proceed.

Because, uh, here's the thing. I'm from the future. And I live in a gorgeous, like, loft. And I play music for my friends. And I never shower. And it's really fun. Um, but I don't think there's gonna be a consequence if I just steal these bikes from you.

Not to make this about me, but is it that obvious that I'm a wolf under these two costumes?

I mean, I really blew it for you. I shouldn't have said anything, you know. I feel bad that I did.

I really thought maybe people would suspect I was really a cat.

I mean, if you were gearing for it, you could have potentially done it, but... Hey, hey, are you from Australia? Yeah.

Is that your wolf?

It's my wolf.

I mean, it's my wolf. That's not a wolf. This is a wolf. It's my wolf.

I'm also a wolf.

It's a wolf.

Oh my... Okay, maybe I'll... What'd you say? Maybe I will hit it off. Hey, how you doing? Pretty good.

You look great. Oh, they're blowing each other, falling down the stairs. Wolves blow for life.

I gotta get out of here.

Call me a penguin. Call me a penguin.

That was difficult for me because I've never seen a hipster with a Boston accent.

Oh, yeah, they don't have Boston hipsters.

No in the future Well, I'm sure there's a lot of hipsters that live in Boston, but they don't have like Boston accents. No, they don't Boston accents It's more like people you'd see by Fenway.

I'd love to see a hipster with a thick like Chicago accent, too I don't think hipsters have accents.

No, I also think that I don't a lot of young people don't have as thick of an

Yeah, young people don't have accents. As we ponder that, let's just do maybe two more and then we'll go from there. Yeah, let's do two more and then we'll go from there.

I disagree. I think we should do two more and then go from there. Two more.

Arnie? I think we should go from there after doing two more. I agree with Arnie. This one is from Julia Harrison. Julia says this is her favorite riddle.

I would love for someone to submit their least favorite riddle.

This is my least favorite riddle.

This is a middle-of-the-park riddle for me. Enjoy!

A man pushed his car to a hotel where he lost his fortune. What happened? A man pushed his car to a hotel where he lost his fortune.

What happened? Okay, so hotels can be casinos as well, so that's a good place to lose your fortune. But why did he push his car? Does it matter that it's a man?

Um, no, not necessarily. Okay, okay. You know the answer to this riddle? But he is a doctor. But he's a doctor.

Could you read that to me one more time?

A doctor pushed their car to a hotel where they lost their fortune. What happened? I feel like should, am I correct in all three of us have no clue to start? Oh yeah, no clue to start.

My base level is I have no clue about this.

Should we play side bets on which keyword is gonna be the one that's supposed to trick us? Oh yeah, okay. Like what's supposed to be the, like is it doctor, car, hotel, or fortune? Like what's the, like is there an order of most to least tricky in this scenario?

Yeah, okay. I think that... Fortune is the trickiest.

Fortune really sticks out. Is there something going on with that?

Yeah, that seems like a very intentional word.

Here's a little hint. The car is made of silver. Is that true? It is true. Maybe not actual silver, but it's at least silver plated.

Okay, yeah, I think I got it. It's a Silverado. It's a truck. Yeah, and it's a fortune cookie.

The man was country strong. A doctor? Okay, so I am downgrading my interest in doctor.

Yeah, doctor.

Doctor is just a distraction. I think I know the answer.

You know the answer? So the man is pushing his car to a hotel and then he loses his fortune and the car is silver-plated.

Do you know?

No, I don't.

I don't know either. He's a werewolf. You know?

That's what it was. I do. Is it fun for me to get, should I give actual clues?

I don't think it matters. I would love if you told me what thing doesn't matter.

You know what, the word push is actually, they did not put that down as one of the important words. Oh, interesting. A man pushes a silver car. Please, a doctor. A man pushes a silver doctor's car. Look, if this doctor part ends up being important, I've completely missed it. Also worth saying that the name of the hotel is not important. Okay.

The Eagles.

The Eagles. Dabbing inside their moms.

Ew. Did we say that in an episode?

We did. Oh yeah. You were the one who did it. You gotta listen to this show, Erin. You're gonna love it.

That sounds like me.

Keep us updated on what your friends say. Look, this guy's been in trouble since Go. That's a great hint.

Is this a song? Is the answer to this a song?

I don't know. I think I'm under caffeinated.

If it were a song, it might be Jailhouse Rock, if you're unlucky.

What the heck?

You're saying that like it's a hint, but... Just take a chance on an answer.

Yeah.

Jesus Christ.

Oh, Jesus Christ. You're not gonna win any beauty pageants talking like that.

Got it, got it, got it. Thank you so much for all of the hints that I was very upset with.

Is it helpful if he pushes his silver thimble to a hotel?

Or his hat?

I don't know that silver... If we're talking about Monopoly... What?

I also don't know that silver's a color, but like it's definitely... Not really, like pewter, maybe? Yeah, it's definitely not silver. That's so misleading. A Monopoly piece of silver?

But keep in mind, he is a doctor.

It must have been nice to be a freaking millionaire and have a silver Monopoly inside my house.

That's a really, really good riddle.

It is actually pretty good.

I like that riddle. I'm into it. That's maybe the first one I'm going to give an A to.

And the doctor was... What I did like is, I think it's good, intentional or not, to have a distractor word in there. And So that's not really part of the riddle. I just fell for not knowing a running. Exactly.

Yep.

Well, you said you listened to the episodes and we believed you. We go by the honor system here. I haven't listened to the ones that haven't come out yet.

So a big part of the episodes where you have guests on are duping the guests with our inside jokes. And since you're the first guest, you get to experience that for the first time.

The full brunt of this.

It's because we don't often feel included in our own lives and we want to pass it on.

To make others feel lesser.

Well, at the end, I'm going to turn this paper upside down and I will have succeeded at all of these things. This is submitted by Brandon Ochoa. I hope I'm saying that correctly.

I hope you aren't. I hope Brandon gets his revenge on you.

This is actually one that I, when I was a teenager and first discovering Pussies and Riddies, this used to be my favorite. So I'm happy Brandon sent this in.

I'm going to stop us right there and I'm going to do a quick roleplay segment. Adal, you're going to be roleplaying yourself as a teenager.

I hope you're not going to have somebody play my dad because that's not how it happens. He wasn't around. It's also funny you say that, because listening to the first episode of this podcast, I had a vivid image of just Adal as a teenager at home inviting friends over. Hey, you guys want to solve some puzzles? We're going to do puzzles. One, don't ever call them puzzles.

You're going to be discovering riddles in your room alone for the first time. And then Erin, you're going to play Adal's mother. You're going to burst into the room and discover him discovering himself discovering riddles.

Oh, jeez.

Gonna play some more Mega Man 3.

And Adal, please be discovering riddles and not playing Mega Man 3.

Well, time to pause my game, but I can't save it. Let's go over to the shelf.

Oh, mom! Are you narrating what you do again?

Yeah, that's, you know, I don't have any friends, so I just have to... Do me a favor? My voice is, I'm a teenager, but my voice is so deep.

Hey hun, do me a favor. Go outside.

Hmm, there's not riddles out there.

Go to a party, maybe.

Hey Adal, it's me, Mega Man. Mega Man. What has a wood saw in the morning? Here we go. A fire blaster in the afternoon. What's on the morning fire blaster? And I don't know.

Honey, stop masturbating.

Mom, I'm sorry.

God, it's normal to be young and to do that, but just wait till I leave the room.

Sorry, I just got caught up in a riddle. Adal, it's me, Mega Man.

Wait till I leave.

What's flaccid in the morning? My penis. Yes. Well, for now. Hey, mom, mom, mom, mom. Wait, I just came up with a puzzle. You want to hear it?

Go outside.

What's black and blue? Go outside. What's black and white and blue and falling down the stairs? A nun who gets pushed on the fucking stairs.

Go to a party. Go outside, please.

It's me, Mega Man. You don't need other people. So here's my favorite puzzle from when I was a teenager. You leave home, make three left turns, and return home where you find two men wearing masks. Who are they? You leave home, make three left turns, and return home where you find two men wearing masks. Who are they?

So Adal mentioned that his dad wasn't around when he was a teenager. So this was his favorite riddle growing up. So I feel like it's his dad and an older version of himself, like, embracing.

That is wrong. Is it possible this is still Monopoly?

Yes.

Yeah, I think it is absolutely Monopoly. I think I know the answer to this one as well.

So you leave the house, you turn left three times, and then you find two men wearing masks.

You leave home, you make three left turns, you return home, that's a big part of it, you return home, where you find two men wearing masks. Who are the two men?

So, and you were a teenager at this time, right? So I think the answer is you left the house, you took a walk around the block, you came back, and your mom was watching Eyes Wide Shut with Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman, and it was the... Well, when they were still married. Oh, yeah, for sure. They were still married. And it was the scene where everyone's wearing masks and doing sex on each other. And that's your favorite riddle.

That's right. Reminds me of home. Is it possible you leave home, you take a couple turns, you come home earlier than expected, and it's government agents who are putting on masks of you and your mother to trick other people, but you catch them? The answer is it was two members from the band Slipknot. I was a big Slipknot fan. My mom had arranged for them to come to my birthday party if I would just leave the house for three left turns.

So you've got two members of the seven-person band.

Hey, they're from Iowa.

They couldn't make the trip. They have like 13 drummers in that band.

So have we struck out entirely so far? Well, you've caught on to a few things, so I wouldn't say you've struck out. I'd say you have one or two strikes.

You leave the house. Were you humming the Simpsons theme song?

No.

JPC, Swing Away. Yeah. I just feel like I'm totally out of the field. Do you know the answer, JPC? I do not know. I have no idea. Two, three strikes you're out at the answer is a catcher and umpire.

Go Sox!

The two men waiting at home are a catcher and umpire. So you've had a hit or a home run. You make three left turns, which is rounding the bases. You return home, which is the home plate. You find two men wearing masks, and they're the catcher and the umpire. They then put a gun to your head and a noose around your neck.

That is a good riddle for being a teen because that would probably be the last time that I cared about baseball.

This brings me to the segment, Fever Pitch is an underrated movie. I love the movie Fever Pitch. What city was that filmed in? I don't know.

Okay, let's do a little I feel like I would I feel like I wouldn't have gotten that one as quickly if it Didn't immediately follow the monopoly one. Oh You're saying I'm making for a good old man puzzles because the pacing of my own a great job. Oh Here we go. I want to do a quick reenactment. This will just take a minute. Okay. Erin, I want you to be Drew Barrymore. Arnie, I want you to be Jimmy Fallon. Okay. And I want you two, as best as you can, to remember and act out any minute in the entire movie of Fever Pitch.

Jimmy Fallon, I am in Boston with you and it's 2004 and we happen to be filming this movie during this time.

I know. It's great. You know what? I think we're going to win this time. And JPC, you're Alan Alda trying to start the wave. Got it. Can I offer anybody some cocaine? All right, let's take us to our last Riddy or Puzzy here. This is a longer episode, but we have a great friend and a great co-host. So it's not our fault. It's Arnie's fault. It's a longer episode, but I've been really dragged into it. Leave us some reviews on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts, and specifically blame Arnie for this being long. Here's our last one here. This is from Noah Goodman. There is a lady Period. One night she turns off the light and goes to bed. The next morning she wakes up, reads the newspaper, and decides to commit suicide. Why? There's a lady, one night she turns off the light, goes to bed, the next morning she wakes up, reads the newspaper, and decides to commit suicide. Why?

Okay, so if we're using like Arnie's like scale of importance here, I think, I mean the light, turning off the light has to be... That's a big part of it.

That's the biggest part of it. And you can ask, if you want to ask some questions, I will definitely answer yes or no to these.

Can I do a quick sidebar? Why does so many riddles involve death and dying? Are you a lawyer? Are you a lawyer? Yes, I am.

Okay, I'll allow the sidebar.

You have to tell me if you're a lawyer. It's entrapment if you don't.

Do I look like I could be a lawyer? Does it look like I have enough energy to do anything?

Well, you are holding two very long pointers. So yes, I think that you could definitely be a lawyer.

Two very long pointers?

And I'm dressed like Elle Woods.

Is this segment called Hard Stop?

Yay, finally one for JPP.

Dead Stop. Dead Stop. If it's you, it's Hard Stop. It's Hard Stop. Hard Stop. And for me, it's Full Stop. So lawyers have two pointers?

In my mind, in my mind, let me defend myself. You know how like in courtroom movies... I think you're going to need a lawyer.

Are you sure you don't want a lawyer to defend you in this moment?

This is my lawyer. In courtroom movies where they have like large printout charts, then they have like the pointer things that they're like pointing to like the intersection here and then the car struck you here. And then a good lawyer would have more of those. So in my mind, they would have two of those things. Also, I was going to say pistols, but I don't think lawyers carry pistols. I know doctors carry pistols as gentlemen. What does a lawyer carry?

A briefcase? Briefcase? I mean, a law book?

Scales? I think you're confusing lawyers with cocaine dealers. Yeah.

Okay, so light is a huge part of it.

Light is a huge part of it.

And here's what I want to say, Erin, if you get this one, we will allow a bingo bingo ha ta ta. You can celebrate with a bingo bingo ha ta ta if you get this one.

I'm not going to do it if I don't deserve it.

So the woman is God and she's turning out the light. Hold on.

He said no. He said no.

Adal just objected to the fact that God could be a woman. No, no, no.

Arnie, do you know? What's the wording? Turns out the light, turns off the light? She turns off the light. There's a lady one night, she turns off the light and goes to bed. The next morning she wakes up, reads the newspaper, and decides to commit suicide. So the light is a aroused person that she turns off. I'm just doing word association.

It's saying the light, not a light.

It actually has to do with the newspaper. She commits suicide because Trump's America.

I mean, that's a good reason for anyone to do it. She turns off the light.

Yeah.

Does it matter that it's the and not a?

To some degree. Let me give you a few clues here. Was the headline a report of a death? The headline in the newspaper a report of a death? Yes. Was it the death of many people? Yes. Did she know the people who died? No. Is the light important?

Yes. Oh, was it a stoplight?

Full stoplight. Full stoplight.

She, you know when someone's going to bed and then they turn off the lights at an intersection?

Did she cause the deaths by turning off the light? Yes.

Was it like a, what's, why am I blanking? Is where she lives important, yes. Yes, is it like a lighthouse? A lighthouse, yeah.

She lives in a lighthouse that makes more sense than a thing I said.

She turned off the stoplight outside the lighthouse. She accidentally turned off the lighthouse, causing a ship to crash, killing a large amount of people. Hold on, Adal, hold on.

I think that we're right. She turned off the stoplight outside the lighthouse. Yes. One car crash killed two people.

Yes. JPC, since you solved it, you want to give a bingo bingo ha ta ta?

I think actually Arnie solved it. You want to give a bingo bingo ha ta ta? He just couldn't remember what a lighthouse was called.

It's true. But he did say, I know it, I know it. Bingo bingo ha ta ta.

Yeah.

I'm really happy for you, Arnie.

That's our reward now is we get to give a bingo bingo ha ta ta?

Sure. Although I feel like I could have done that better. Erin, do you have any tips on doing a good bingo?

Just have it come from your soul of like joy. And this is the most joy I've ever felt. Bingo, bingo, ha ta ta.

Pretty good. Oh, yeah. Your sound of joy sounds like a little goblin.

Well, if the shoe fits.

Arnie, thank you so much for being on. Thank you for having me. I legitimately, like, I asked Adal to be on and not vice versa. Oh, I'm sure he would have asked me someday.

Yes, that is the way it went. Arnie does produce this podcast and he did ask Adal to be on as the host.

Arnie, anything you want to promote? Hey! We already started the show. Arnie, Arnie, Arnie. Hey! Welcome to Hey Riddle Riddle! Guys, wouldn't it be a hilarious meta joke if then we just did a whole nother episode starting right now?

Arnie, I'd love to go back to the beginning and then just use that amount of energy throughout the whole podcast.

Check out Hello from the Magic Tavern, a very weird comedy, improv, fantasy show that Adal and I do with a bunch of people. John has been on, Erin has been on, they're both great guests and a lot of great Chicago people. Also, I by day work for Jackbox Games, working on party video games that you might like if you like fun, thinky party stuff, the Jackbox Party Packs. If you listen to this podcast, you probably do. You probably like fun, thinky party stuff. Fun, thinky party stuff. Games like Drawful, Trivia Murder Party, and Jackbox Party Pack 5 is coming out this fall with a new You Don't Know Jack trivia game. Which you directed, right? Which I editorially directed. We'll give it to you. You need a win. What an interesting distinction. Let's give you a win. JPC, anything you want to promote?

Yeah, probably some stuff. You can listen to the campaign podcast on the One Shot Network. And then if you're in Chicago, see an improv show. There you go. Just go out and have fun.

Oh, any improv show? Now I'm going to seem like an ass saying which one to go to. You know what?

If you're in Chicago, see Erin's improv show. It's Friday nights at 1030 at the Ayo Theater.

Yeah, that's true.

Any family members you want to promote?

Oh, um, let's see. I have a cousin Daniel who's like really delightful at parties. Like he's a fun person to have at a family event.

Does he like think he party games?

I don't think he, I don't know what he likes.

He's fun though. Sounds like you're pretty close.

Al, anything you want to promote?

Um, no.

Okay, then as always, we'll go out with a question for Erin. Erin, my question this week, you mentioned that your eyes are already closed waiting for this question. You mentioned that your cousin Daniel is very fun at parties. My question is, if Daniel was at a party, and it was the most fun party that it could be, what planet would that party be on?

Jupiter! There we go.

That's the show. Go ahead and email us at heyriddleriddle at gmail.com. We'll see you next time.

That was a HeadGum Podcast.