Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

Hey, this is Adal Rifai. This is JPC.

This is Erin Keif.

And this is Hey Riddle Riddle. No shit, all Sherlocked. I know, I like that. No shit, all Sherlocked. It doesn't mean anything.

How many weeks have you been thinking about that?

I've been sitting on that for 10 days. I thought to myself... Oh, a fortnight. A fortnight. I know, you know, I was like all those young kids out there. I was dabbing, I was fortnighting. I was gucci gang, gucci gang, gucci gang. You know what the kids are into? Yeah, yeah. Dorito flavors, extreme habanero ghost pepper. You're rapidly aging yourself.

You're the oldest person I've ever met, and I mean that.

Whoa, hold on. Is this an old kid? It's me, Old Man Puzzles, the kid. Gucci gang, Gucci gang, Gucci gang. Ah, Old Man Puzzles, you're hip. What do we think? No shit all Sherlock? Oh, yeah. Because I made shirts already.

Merch first. Merch first. And I do see that you're wearing one, which makes this conversation harder, I'd say.

That's my first note. No, I love that catchphrase. That'll stick around for at least a week. Oh, thank God. We'll call it back next. What was it? No shit, all Sherlock.

I'm not going to remember that.

Can you say it?

No shit, no Sherlock.

No diggity, no doubt. No diggity. Damn it, that's even better. As you know, this is the podcast where we solve puzzles and riddles. Puzzles and riddles.

Puzzles and riddles.

Here's my favorite Addams Family member, Puzzly Addams. Puzzly Addams was my favorite because he was a real mystery. I think it's all in good fun, but we are here to do puzzles and riddles. Let's keep that forefront of mind. Fortnite in mind. Let's start off with a warm-up round. Get those brains juiced.

Hi-yi-yi-yo, let's do this. I'm awake.

Here we go. Remember, these should be real easy. Yeah, these are for kids, correct? And if you don't get them, you dumb. Yeah. Does that make sense?

So if we don't get these, we dumb?

You dumb. And as always with these warm-up riddles, there's a winner. It's like, it's like Who's Lightning Is It Anyway, where we keep, we keep points.

That's what you took out of that show?

Here's what I took away from that show. There's a point system and also Ryan Stiles putting his arms between Colin Mochrie's arms. So funny.

So funny because one of them is bald.

Yeah.

So you wouldn't expect him to have such long arms.

You can't cook in the kitchen when somebody else's arms is doing all the work. You're going to be covered in powder. Oh, I like how in those scenes his hands always got horribly burned, just touching hot things he couldn't see. It was a very different show in the later years. It'd be funny if one time it was just like the perfect quiche. Not funny at all, but just like made this really beautiful... That's really just impressive, honestly. I loved that show as a kid, but then it broke my heart when somebody told me they record like 10 hours of episodes and then edit it down to half an hour. That broke my goddamn heart. Why? Do you think it'll break people's hearts to know that this podcast, which comes out as what, 30 to 40 minutes, and we record four and a half hours to get... I have everyone give a thousand answers. I ask for a thousand answers, no less. And I cut it down to the funniest three. We've been here since 6 a.m. just doing puzzies and riddles.

And so, just so you know, these are the funniest three.

Oh shit, I shouldn't have said that. Alright, here's our first warm-up. Okay. I am tall when young and short when I'm old. What am I? Tall when young, short when old. I am tall when young.

A flower that's falling over.

A flower that's falling over. I didn't mean that. A tree. No. Wrong. I am tall when young and short when I'm old. Oh, this is like a... A person? Yeah, a person whose last name is Young. And then... Do they get married? Do they get married to an old person? Hello, I'm Kyle Old.

And I'm 13 years old. Oh no.

Tall when young, short when old. That's all we have? Tall when young, short when old.

Oh, a tail. Tall tail. The answer's a candle. Oh, fuck that. Yeah, okay, that makes sense. I'm dumb.

Yeah, we dumb.

Uh, I don't know that this is a riddle, but we'll say it. I stink while living, but smell good when dead. What am I?

A person.

Yeah, that one was easy. It's a person. No, a dog. I stink while living, but smell good when dead. What am I? Potpourri. What I? I don't know. Is it like a pig? It is a pig. It's something you cook, right?

It's a pig.

I'm a vegetarian and I would take offense to any of that.

Bully for you.

Yay, a bully! A bully for you. I'm getting flashbacks to middle school. Someone's like, you're gay, and I'm like, yay, for me?

A bully! You shouldn't have. No, Prince Wanderer said, you shouldn't have.

For me?

Oh man, by the way, as a former bully, that's the best way to be bullied is to lean in as much as possible because a bully will only smell your insecurities and if you pretend to be secure about something like that, oh boy.

Bully don't know what to do. Yep, and when you say, for me, you have to say it like that old bubble tape commercial where it's like, six feet of bubble tape for you. Not them. Wait, wait, aren't you young like Fortnite and Dabs? I saw it on YouTube Red, baby. I got a subscription to YouTube Red.

Young people don't have that.

And I watched that brand new show, Cobra Kai, with all those characters that never existed before.

Those hip new characters. They play that in movie theaters. They play the preview for that. Oh boy. Okay.

Here we go. Last warm-up round. We're still doing the Riddle Show? We're still doing the Riddle Show. Perfect. If you lose me, you may cause people around me to lose me too. They worded this wrong.

Hold on, say that again.

Can you word it right? I'm going to change one of the words because I think they wrote this wrong. If you lose me, you may cause people around you to lose me too. Would I?

Track of time. Time, it's time, it's always time.

You know when you're in a Starbucks and you don't know what time it is and suddenly everyone around you starts to panic?

When you loose a yawn, everyone around you also yawns, is my answer to that.

Um, it's not yawn, but that's not a bad answer. Thank you.

Sweet.

When you lose me, everyone around you... You're marbles. If you lose me, you may cause people around you to lose me too. You're freaking marbles. It's freaking marbles. Is it freaking marbles? Yeah.

It's not a thing. It's like a feeling or a thought or something that's intangible.

You're warm. What about your temper? It is temper. It's temper is the answer? I'm going to give that to Erin. I said you're marbles.

Well, bully for you.

A bully for me? A bully for me?

That was a good one. I liked that one.

Did you just recently learn that phrase?

I don't know. Does it sound like I did?

Let's see. Sounds like you have like a phrase of the day calendar.

Maybe I have one of those. The tear off calendar.

We're going to do some regular puzzles and riddles. Puzzies and riddles. But before we do, I wanted to do a puzzy for Erin specifically, since she won the warm-up round.

Just so we know, if no one ever listened to the first episode of this podcast, they only came in like episode 3, 4, and they were just like, what are puzzies and riddles? Because we never say. Puzzles and riddles. We never say puzzles and we never say riddles.

And I famously hate both.

Let's do this. But you do like Puzzies and Riddies, correct?

Yeah, well I'm learning.

I would love if someone listened to this. This is their first episode. This is their introduction. And they listen and they're like, they keep talking about Puzzies and Riddies, but all they do is answer puzzles and riddles. What the fuck is this show?

I'm lost.

I can't wait to read some of these iTunes residuals. We get those, right? Here's the dirty secret. I've been in the podcasting business for what seems like 40 years. But you're young. Here's the dirty little secret nobody wants you to know. Every time somebody leaves a review for you, for your podcast on Apple Podcasts or iTunes, you get $50. What? You do? Yeah. Everyone who's involved in the podcast gets $50? Per star.

Holy shit! Smash that like, smash that comment box, smash that fave. Go ahead and head to iTunes, smash that, uh, leave a review.

I've taken issue with how this is working. So I've won. So in theory, I don't have to continue. But I get another question.

Yeah, but it's for you specifically. And you'll know in just a moment here. Ready? Yes. A child is born in Boston, Massachusetts. Do you understand why it's for you?

Yes, because I know how to spell that state.

Were you born in Boston? I was. Okay. A child is born in Boston, Massachusetts to parents who were both born in Boston, Massachusetts.

Same as me. Same as me.

This child is not an American citizen. How is this possible? Dude, I know this.

M-A-S-S-A-C-H-U-S-E-T-T-S is how you spell the state.

No way. You missed a few E's.

Okay, M-A-S-S-E-E-E-E-E! I'm from Boston, Massey! Massey! Chisette! Were they on a ship? International water? A child was born in Boston.

To parents who were born in Boston, this child is not an American citizen.

Oh, Boston, England.

I'm

But I'm sorry, but the international water thing is not the answer.

I just, I, I wanted to, I just wanted to tell you that I like that angle. JPC, no shit. All true. Okay.

I'm sorry. Oh God. Okay. So if I'm from Boston and I've been born in Boston and my mother and my father, they're both from Boston. One's from South Boston, one's from Quincy. And if I'm born there and I'm not a citizen, then how the hell am I supposed to vote for Ted Kennedy if I'm not a citizen? How am I to vote for Ted Kennedy?

Can I give Erin a hint? Yeah, please.

So correct me if I'm wrong, but the people in question in this scenario probably wouldn't be speaking in a Boston accent.

That is, uh, correct? I would say. It's most likely. At least not that Boston accent. Erin, you would know, what year did the Boston accent start?

The Boston accent started in 18... In the frickin' Red Sox. When they went in 2004 when the Red Sox clinched the World Series.

Manny! Noma! You Southie!

Noma gaspizia para! Okay, I'm confused. I don't know. So they're not from

No, they were born in Boston and the parents are born in Boston. But the child is not an American citizen. But they're not an American citizen and they wouldn't have Boston access. How'd that be?

They're on an airplane.

Well, the answer is they're on an airplane. They were born in a cabin in Boston.

Yeah, what is it?

It's the band Boston.

More than a feeling, more than a feeling.

JPC, you know the answer? I think I do. These are English citizens, and the year is 1774.

Oh my butt.

The answer is the child was born before 1776, the year of the Declaration of Independence.

Oh, because that's what's interesting.

And is therefore a British subject.

Oh, you know what's so interesting about that? Is that Boston existed before America existed. And that's what's interesting about that. Go Noma! You can't go to hell. You can go to hell. Oh my god. I can't do a Boston accent. I wish I could. This is how you lock in. Are you ready? Okay, yeah. You say, I'll say it without a Boston accent first, and then I'll say it with one. The law was very formal in that regard. Okay. You say it with a Boston accent. The law was very formal in that regard.

The law was very formal in that regard.

The law was very formal in that regard. Or you can imitate my mom and say, get the hell out of my Honda, Quinn.

Get the hell out of my haunted accord. It sounded like you said, get the hell out of my haunted accord. Get the hell out of my haunted accord. How does a Bostonian say haunted?

Haunted. Oh my God, is this place haunted? Marie, don't make me go in if it's haunted.

A friend told me that you know if somebody's truly from Boston by how they say S-C-A-L-L-O-P-S. Say that again? How they say the word S-C-A-L-L-O-P-S. Scallops.

Scallops?

Scallops. That if anybody says they're from Boston and says scallops. Oh yeah, they're nothing.

Scallops.

Scallops. My favorite actress is Scallops Johansson.

She's a fish.

She's a fish. She's a fish. I love the Indy Avengers.

God, she's hot. Not for nothing, she's hot.

Not for nothing.

Handed the Bible, she's hot.

She's hot. Alright, that was a huge waste of time, I'm so sorry.

And she's single because she's a black widow. Oh. Alright, here we go. This is an all play. This is an all play. A father was speaking to his teenage daughter. You arrived very late at 3 o'clock in the morning and you kept me and your mother up waiting anxiously for you. I do not want that to ever happen again. But father, the girl replied, I will never be able to do that again. What did she mean? Okay. He's a robot.

He has a weird ass voice.

Is he from space? You know when your dad talks like that?

I have, you have arrived too late in the evening.

If my dad said that to me, I would be like, this must be the Truman Show. This has to be staged. You've been body snatched. Like, something is wrong.

He's had a brain aneurysm. Excuse me, birth child. You have arrived to my domicile at the incorrect hour. You know how when your father or mother calls you their human child? You specify.

Could you read again what he said?

Yes, please. A father was speaking to his teenage daughter. You have arrived very late at 3 o'clock in the morning and you kept me and your mother up waiting anxiously for you. I do not want that to ever happen again. But father, the girl replied, I will never be able to do that again. What did she mean? Okay. It's 3 a.m.

First of all, she's got a bad attitude. Yeah.

I don't think she should get rid of that sleepover this weekend.

Sherry Franson's gonna be pissed.

She was late at 3am? Is there like a weird way that that's phrased?

You arrived very late at 3 o'clock in the morning and you kept me and your mother up waiting anxiously for you.

You arrived very late at 3 o'clock in the morning.

Here's what it is. It's like a room situation. Oh God. They're in a panic room, the doors are sealed, they're gonna die in there. So she'll never be able to come home late again. So you don't mean room... I thought you meant the movie Room. Yeah, with Brie Larson. Okay. About the panic room? Yeah, Jodie Foster and Brie Larson in a panic room.

Yeah, you misunderstood what was going on in that movie. I have to tell you right now, you deeply misunderstood what was going on in that movie. But what of you? Can I just say that I saw the movie Room? This is not a spoiler for the movie Room because you find out very quickly what is going on, but I saw it like sight unseen. I hadn't seen a trailer, didn't know what it was about, and for the first like 10 minutes I was like, oh it's like a sci-fi thing where like the world has ended. Then like the guy came in and I was like, I'm seeing a different movie!

I want to do a podcast where it's just the three of us go to whatever movies playing with no previous knowledge but we come in like an hour into it And we bring a little microphone with us, in our popcorn, and it's just like, what's going on? What do we think's going on?

I don't remember what movie this was, but my brothers and I saw a movie with my dad when we were kids, and we came in a little bit late, but we thought the movie had just started, and we watched the whole movie and we loved it. and then we went back and like watched it later when it came out and there was like a six minute scene that we had missed that was like the you know whatever it feels like it maybe was like a James Bond movie but it like showed you the villain and it kind of spoiled the whole movie but without that six minutes it was like a wonderful surprise when things were happening because it wasn't all like telegraphed from that first scene you're describing Space Jam we saw Space Jam and the villain in that movie was all the cartoons correct?

Alright, what do we think? Oh boy, I don't know. I feel like this time thing has to happen. Is it Daylight Savings Time? Possibly a time thing. Or maybe she's going off to college so she's not going to be coming back to their house? Like she's an adult now? Maybe. Oh, it says teenage daughter. Yeah, I mean that's 18, 19.

Maybe the mom and dad are getting a divorce.

Oh, and she knows. And that's how he tells her? That's why she's acting out. She's acting out because she knows that she can't get fucking killed.

What do you think she was out doing? Up to no good, I assume.

Well, the context makes it seem like it was a boys and girls party. Yeah. Human boys and human girls. Human boys and human girls.

Co-mingling their testicles. Could you give us a hint? Is this one of those... Oh, is there hints in this one?

There are no hints.

Could you give us a hint?

I don't know the answer.

Oh, then why haven't you been participating?

I have been participating. That's why I said you just tuned me out, I guess.

Who was that? Old Man Puddles over there.

Old Man Puddles splashing about. Okay, it feels like this one is staring us right in the face.

How about you read what he said one more time?

Yeah. You have arrived very late at 3 o'clock in the morning, and you kept me and your mother up waiting anxiously for you. I do not want that to ever happen again. But father, the girl replied, I will never be able to do that again. What did she mean? God, I don't know. So it doesn't... It doesn't say like she came home late that night. The father was speaking to his teenage daughter. You arrived very late. It doesn't say like, I don't know. Oh, is she a ghost? She's a ghost. He's speaking to her in church. She's dead. This is a sad story. This is like that story where the woman had a bad back and couldn't reach around.

That upset me for 10 days.

To zip up her dress. And when her husband died, she had to buy front zipping dresses. Oh my God. Because of rheumatoid arthritis.

That was like the most messed up thing. Because I kept saying she had murdered him.

Is the mother the key to this maybe? Maybe the mother is like, or like the mother's the doctor?

The mother's in a coma, which is why she can no longer stay up worrying. Yeah, because her mother had like a heart attack and died because of worry. Yeah, it's like that Smith song, Mother in a Coma.

Why did we never get a Paul Simon-Morrissey crossover? You know who sings that song? Philadelphia. Boston, England. I don't know.

I give up on this riddle. I'm going to say it's something where the daughter will no longer be staying at the home and therefore... You think it's like a college graduation thing?

Yeah. Okay. I'm going to say I will vote mother in a coma.

Or they're homeless now. I think it's like... They're losing the house. Oh.

I think it's a word thing. I don't think it's a circumstance thing. I think it's the word.

There's so many things it could be. They could be moving. Someone could be dead. Yeah.

Go ahead.

I don't hate that divorce angle. Here's the solution. They had been talking about the girl's birth. You arrived very late at three o'clock in the morning and you kept me and your mother up waiting anxiously for you. I did not want that to ever happen again. But father, I will never be able to do that again. Well, here's where I have a calm with that. Us hip kids know the new trend is to rebirth, is to crawl back inside your mom.

Oh, yeah, that's the trend. That's the trend.

That's what all the kids are doing these days, right? You drink some Sprite. You give one of those satisfied... You crawl back inside your mom.

You crawl back inside your mom.

That's like ASMR. You start dabbing. You do not dab in there. There's not room for dabbing.

Give her a break.

Give her a break.

That's your mother.

Honestly, can we just give a... Can we give a PSA real quick? Don't dab inside your mom. Hi, this is Zach Braff from TV's

Canceled show about podcasts. Don't dab inside your mom.

I actually like that answer. Again, I think I mean, I was sort of right. It was a wording thing.

It was a wording thing.

So, but why is the dad having this conversation with the teenage daughter? Let's go ahead and see that. Let's have JPC, you play the dad, Erin, you play the teenage daughter. And let's see what led up to this point. The conversation that led up to talking about the birth. Gotcha.

Ugh, God. Excuse me, I'm trying to get to bed.

Susie.

What?

Let me put down my newspaper where I am reading about the human news.

I'm coming in from a party, Dad.

A party? Why, look at the time. Susie, do you know what day it is?

It's probably Saturday really early in the morning. Do you know what happened at this party? I got drunk and I got kissed.

Kissed? A human boy kissed you, Susie?

A human boy kissed me.

You know our kind cannot breed with humans.

Yeah, well guess what? I'm a rebel now. Susie, sit down.

Susie, sit down. We see tentacles sprout out of Susie's face.

Susie, when our world was destroyed, I promised your mother to keep your seed safe.

Yeah, I've heard this story a billion times.

Susie, you can't go intermingling with human blood. Marie, would you please get in here?

Barp, go get Marie!

You know that we had to save the last of the barp cats from our home planet when it was destroyed?

Dad, like, I know!

Hold on! Barp, sing your own barp song!

And scene. There's so much I wanted to see.

Thank you for bringing back Barp Cat. I haven't seen your Barp Cat in a long time. Barp Field is one of my classic, one of my stock characters. Anytime I'm doing an improv show and its energy is zapped, just gotta bring in Barp Field. Yeah, Barp Field doesn't zap the energy of the show. He only helps.

He loves Mondays.

He loves Mondays. He loves pasta primavera.

I feel like every time I see you at an improv show and you're trying to get the energy back up, you play a horny dog who's trying to have sex with someone's wife.

You're not wrong.

I've seen that like maybe 11 times. And guess what? It works every time. So keep up the good work.

Well, I've done it 12. And the one you missed was the best.

Oh, man.

Hey Erin, you're a pretty unique person, would you agree?

Yeah, I'm pretty and unique.

You're unique.

Okay.

Or are you nitty? Yeah. What do you sleep on?

Sometimes it's just like a bunch of newspapers stacked on top of each other of like when I've been in the news. And sometimes it's JPC.

That's a pretty thin amount of newspapers. Local girl falls downstairs.

What?

I said local girl falls downstairs. Does it on purpose. Goes to jail. Well Erin, because of your unique pretty makeup, I don't know how to phrase this, you should be sleeping on the Helix mattress that JPC and I got you.

Yeah, yeah, I mean we know that sometimes people have been like, don't sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, but they mean don't side sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, don't hot sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, because we know that everybody sleeps different. Well, the Helix Sleep Mattress is designed for people who sleep in a variety of different ways.

And you can take a quiz. And it's not the type of quiz that you can fail, so don't worry about that. I worry about that. But it's just a quiz to get to know what kind of sleeper you are.

You took the Helix Sleep quiz, Erin, and you got a don't sleep, right?

The first F ever.

You can find that quiz at helixsleep.com slash riddle. It only takes two minutes, and it's going to match your specific makeup to a mattress that's right for you.

Yeah, that's why they call it Helix Sleep, because it relies on double helix, so you just enter your DNA into the quiz, and then it tells you what kind of mattress is your soulmate, basically.

And it tells you what kind of mattresses your ancestors slept on. I mean, you'll see that in your dreams.

Yeah, that'll be something that, they don't promise that, but that is something that comes in most people's dreams.

And they have a 10-year warranty, and you get to try it for 100 nights, risk-free.

They have a 10-year warranty?

Warren G. Yeah, 10-year Warren G. And 100 nights risk-free.

There is a little loophole here because they say 100 nights, but you also get the 100 days as well. Oh, do you? So you can sleep in the mattress 24 hours a day for 100 days.

And for me specifically, for Adal Rifai, those are Arabian days and Arabian nights. That's true. All 100.

And that's not something any of the rest of us feel comfortable saying.

And if you sleep next to a partner, half the mattress can be for you, and the other half of the mattress could be for your partner.

Or, you know, you could do three quarters. Just with sprawl. With arms and legs. But right now, Helix is offering up to $125 off all mattress orders. That's $125 off. To get your $125 off at helixsleep.com slash riddle. That's helixsleep.com slash riddle for up to $125 off your mattress order. Don't sleep on this deal. That's not theirs. That's mine.

I guess the way I sleep is I clutch a pillow and I kiss it. Yeah, I do the same thing but the pillow's in between my legs.

How I sleep is, you know when you get someone in that choke hold with your leg?

Oh, like Xena did for James Bond in that movie?

Yeah, that's what my blankets do to me.

That's HelixSleep.com slash Riddle. Of course on the pillow I write, not a pillow. So when I kiss it, it makes sense.

Naturally, you're pretty unique.

HelixSleep.com. Slash Riddle! Uh, let's move on to our next puzzy. Here we go. This is an all play. I don't know the answer. This one does have clues. If we need them, does have clues. I say we try to do it without the clues. Oh, that's a fun new approach.

I say we hear the clues first and not the riddle.

Let's hear the clues first, try to get it, and then hear the riddle.

We should do that one. Okay, but I'm sorry.

Let's do normal for this one. We'll do normal for this one. A shepherd went out into the wilderness in search of one lost sheep rather than looking after the 99 that had returned. Why did he do this? A shepherd went out into the wilderness in search of one lost sheep rather than looking after the 99 that had returned. Why did he do this? Here's the obvious answer. There's a relationship. Okay. A romantic. A romantic. Not necessarily sexual.

Not sexual.

We're not saying that. We're not saying that. In 2007, I saw a show where a guy married his car. And that was fine.

Isn't love and sex just intertwined?

You've got to get right up on that mic.

I pushed back from the mic because I was laughing. Isn't love and sex just intertwined?

Yes, but I think that they can be exclusive. Mutually exclusive. So, my gut was saying that, actually, my first instinct for this riddle was that it was going to rhyme. It did not, but the way that Adal presented it made it seem like, a sheep is lost in the woods. Would the farmer find the sheep? But my second thought was like... You realize your example did not rhyme. For sure. Woods is cheapest, and I rhyme.

It's spelled the same.

I don't think he knows what a rhyme is. I don't know what a rhyme is. I could do tons of rhymes. The religious aspect. I feel like there's a religious aspect. I don't know if there's like something about a lost sheep. Like maybe that there's like a Jesus angle. I know, yeah. That's not ideal for you.

I think some of the sheep are animated. One is real.

No, I think that there's a fence around the 99 sheep. Welcome to Full Stop with Erin Keif. Erin has just said something that warrants a full stop to the discussion that we're having. Erin, you said, would you mind restating that premise?

You only ever do full stop when I try to move on very quickly. You sense I've regretted what I've said and I'm trying to move on fast.

Oh, some of the sheep are animated.

Oh no, you know what actually, okay, well some of the sheep are animated I think is a fine answer.

For sure.

Because those are easier to control. Because they're drawings. What if he's counting sheep? What if this person's asleep?

Oh my god.

But also what if there's a fence around the 99 sheep?

Yeah, I was thinking if the sheep are like properly fenced in then there's no reason to go after them, but I don't think that sheep are fenced.

Yeah.

Well it didn't say he went looking for the 99, it said he's looking after them, so tending to them. Yeah. So a fence around them would make sense. Would make sense, yes, in that regard.

I have to pee. I'm so sorry.

Oh, full stop. Full stop.

Hold on.

Okay. Alright, let's stop. I'll be right back. Sorry. We have to take a puzzy and a ready break. I'm gonna puzzy my pants. Does it, okay, does it say anything about who this farmer is? He's just a, he's a shepherd. Shepherd. He's a shepherd. I hope it's not Jesus. And he goes into the woods, right? Is that what that said?

A shepherd went out into the wilderness in search of one lost sheep, rather than looking after the 99 that returned. Maybe the 99 that returned are dead.

Yeah, like it's that, you know, bury the survivors thing? Yeah. Okay, now this is gonna, this is just me asking a question, but is there such a thing as a master sheep?

Like the one sheep that you had, like the one that leads the pack, or like, like a... A hundred percent. To answer your question, a thousand percent. And the answer to the question is, this is gonna sound stupid. No, no, no. Well, you know the phrase, stop being such a master sheep? Yes. That's where that comes from.

What about the phrase, stop master sheeping? You're on an airplane. Sir, please stop master sheeping.

You'll go blind if you keep shearing your... Boy, are your arms gonna get tired. This is sheer madness. Okay, God, what could this be? We are so bad at puzzies right now.

Yeah, I think we're a little off today on the Poozles and Roodles.

Yeah, it's because we've been recording for seven hours.

Poozles and Roodles.

I love to do Poozles and Roodles.

Apples and Bananas. When you say it, it's like a refined Victorian woman, and then when I say it, I sound like Swedish chef, where I'm like, Poozles and Roodles. And I just sound like I'm from Boston.

Pozos and Rudels.

Top of the morning to you, Pozos.

I mean, Irish and Boston, that's not far off, right?

Yeah. Famously, a lot of Boston is Irish.

I think the sheep are animated.

Have you ever watched Boondock Saints? Oh, yeah. Dope. Dropkick Murphy. Oh, yeah, I love Game of Thrones.

I'm inclined to believe Erin's original premise that these sheep are animated.

I think that makes the most sense. Let's go to some clues. Okay. Oh, fuck, I forgot about clues. The shepherd neglected 99 to search for one lost sheep, but he had a rational reason for doing this. Well, fuck. That's not a clue. Here we go. We got another one. Master Sheep. He was concerned about the long-term health of the herd. So it's nine women and one male. Is that what we think?

Yeah, that's what I was going to say. I think it's one lady or one man.

Is sheep gendered? No. What's a ewe? Sheeple. Is a ewe a female sheep? A ewe? A goose.

A goose is a female sheep.

GBC, a you is whatever you want it to be.

Be who you are when you look in the mirror.

That's what I wanted. That's what I wanted the whole time. What's the difference between a lamb, a sheep, a shop, a lamb, a sheep, a lamb is a baby.

Mary had a little baby.

Okay, so a lamb is a goat, correct? Greatest of all time. Hello. What do we think? Erin gave me the finger! Erin gave me the finger, she's not allowed to do that.

I was trying to silently disapprove of you so the audience at home can hear it.

Okay, just by the way, the first time you silently disapproved of me, you looked at me and you smiled really big. So that was your version of silently disapproving.

Yeah, what is it? Is a U a thing? E-W-E? There's the term sheep. There's U. There's a ram. There's a... Guts. Glory. There's a Dodge Ram, there's a Master Sheep, which we talked about. Okay, it's gotta be the male thing and male thing, right? Yeah, it's gotta be. It's a breeding sheep. Yeah. So the Master Sheep's the stud.

Or it's the one lady, which actually I don't like that scenario.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Horses, shepherds, what if it's... Erin immediately backed off that terrible, that nightmare one female sheep, 99 male sheep scenario.

Although, it's sort of like my weekends. Wow!

Yeah, because you were telling me that last weekend you fucked 99 male sheep. Which brings us to our segment, Erin's Not Karen, where Erin discusses her exploits over the weekend.

Here's the thing, they were all master sheeping and I just couldn't help myself.

Alright lady, get away from me.

I'm trying to master sheep on this plane. Can we hear the answer to this? The answer to the puzzle, the puzzy. The missing animal was the only ram in the flock. And without him, the flock could not increase.

Is that? Is that? So I know that like horses have like a stud, right? Like that they go and they impregnate all the horses with. But is it 1 to 99? I'm a red-blooded American man, but that just sounds like too much sex.

Well, now we gotta see a scene.

Before we see a scene, I gotta know the number where you go too much.

Hey, I like to do sex just as much as the next guy, but 99 times over an indefinite period?

No thanks. Yeah, when you're married and laying in bed, what's the number that your spouse is gonna say and you're like, mercy.

Mercy! If I have sex one time, I need two and a half weeks.

What scene would you like to see, Old Man Puddles?

Well, I wanted to see a scene where John, where JPC was like, too much. I can't have sex.

I don't want to do that scene.

I've reached my limits. I don't want to do that scene.

That does sound like a lot of sex.

Am I wrong there? Well, that's assuming, that's extrapolating that all 99 of those other sheep want to have sex. That's true.

Maybe some of them are in love with each other. Maybe some are not old enough to have.

What percentage of sheep, it's just like humans, it's a spectrum of like homosexuality, right? Like it's the Kinsey scale for sheep as well. Naturally.

But also it's his responsibility to finish each time he has sex. So that's extra exhausting.

That's so true.

Because they're not like hanging out, like they're trying to have kids. It's not casual.

Well now I do want to see a scene. They're not having a good time. Now I do want to see a scene with JPC as the ram, Erin as a sheep, and we're at like some sort of sheep nightclub. Can this be Like you're sheep like 87. Mm-hmm. Okay, and it's you just trying to have that discussion of like what's going on?

Hey, I had a lot of fun last night.

What?

I said I had a lot of fun last night.

Oh, yeah, I had a lot of fun last night, too.

Yeah, you um, you didn't stay this morning.

I thought maybe we could get breakfast or... Oh, um... Oh, I thought you knew what this was.

Can I buy you a drink?

Um, no, I'm actually with my boys tonight. Uh, look, you're super cool, but I thought- What? You're super- You're super cool? You're super cool, but I thought this was just like- I thought you said that you love me?

And you were looking for-

No, no, no. I said I love you. E-W-E. I love propagating the species. I thought you were kind of into that.

Oh my god. I called my mom and told her that I met... Oh my god.

That sounds like a you problem.

Who the fuck are you? Get away from me!

Hold on, this is my... Hey, don't talk to my boy. Shut up. Don't talk to one of my boys like that. Get away out of my... I'm his... We don't have wings, man.

Hey Ed, dude, back off. Get out of my face.

I'll get you kicked out of here.

Hey, hey, okay, hey, Susie, hold on. Look, I thought you were cool with this. What number am I? What's that?

What number am I?

You don't want to know that.

You don't. Don't cry.

Please don't cry. Please don't. I'll have you know, I'll have you know, my man here, he shears downstairs. Ed, what are you doing?

What number am I? 87.

What number am I? What number am I? That brings us to a new segment I want to introduce. Oh. Hold on. We said that we would vote on any new segments. That never happened. We're going to introduce Quizzies. So we have Puzzies, Riddies, and Quizzies. The old PRQs. These will be for one of you, so it'll just be the one person answering. And these will be timed. There won't be an exact stop clock, but at some point I'm gonna just say you're done. So they won't be timed. That's how you say that. Here's the first one. This one's for JPC. And the quizzy on this, and these are called numbered diversions. Numbered diversions? Let's not dwell on it. Okay. And this one is, let me know what the four H's of the four H club are. The four H's of the four H club. Horses.

Husbandry. Humping.

Take it home.

Hellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll I mean, time had to be up minutes ago. Time is up.

Okay. I'm super confident that one of them is husbandry. Because you're growing. The four H's for 4-H club are head, heart, hands, and health. What the fuck? Oh, I'm sorry, in hell yeah bitch.

I know how I know that phrase. It's from the Dixie Chick songs. Both members of the 4-H club, both active in the MSA.

Oh, I know the phrase because it's a club. That's your only context for 4-H?

Yep.

Oh, because you're from Boston.

Yeah, and that's Dixie Chicks do very well in Boston.

Well, no, but like I'm from Indiana and we had like 4-H. Never have heard of it. It's like farm stuff.

Oh, I would not have known anything about that.

You go to the state fair and there's like a, you know, a boy's like, this is my pig and, you know, we raised him and now he's the fattest pig in Indiana.

My high school had a sailing and skiing team, so I wouldn't know what you were talking about. Erin, here's your quiz.

They would sail and ski? Here's your quiz. Two different teams. You don't know how much time you have? Okay, I'm ready. I may call it after one second. I may call it in ten minutes. Okay, here we go. Here we go. As fast as you can come. What? Oh, cut that. No!

Don't cut it and way ahead of you. Or again?

As fast as you can come. I just fucked 87 sheep. What do you want from me? I'm not a marathon man.

Again? Okay.

Here we go. As fast as you can go.

Okay.

The gift sent on the 12 days of Christmas.

Go. The gift sent? Say that again. I literally didn't hear you.

Here we go. The quiz is, and this is, so JPC's was the number four. Yours is the number 12. It's the 12 gifts sent on the 12 days of Christmas.

uh 12 uh wait uh 5 8 12 12 drummers drumming 12 people marching i'm panicking 12 no it's 8 maids a milking 10 9 drummers

I like your approach to this. It's a mad dash to the middle. And work both forward and backwards.

Okay, you don't have to give it to me and we can cut this part out, but I need to get this.

I can't imagine we will.

There's one. We don't have time for the whole song.

We don't have time for the whole song. We don't have the rights.

We're not cutting this out. We would never cut this out. And that's time. Five golden rings.

12 drummers drumming.

All I heard from you was 12 men a-marching.

No, 12 drummers drumming.

There was 11 men a-marching, then we went back to 12. We got partridge in our pear tree. We got two turtledoves. We got three French hens. We got four crawling birds. We got five gold rings. We got six geese a-laying, seven swans a-swimming, eight maids a-milking. From ninth day, what's up for grabs? There's drummers drumming, there's ladies dancing, pipers piping, it's a regional thing. Then we have lords a leaping, then we have pipers piping, or ladies dancing, or lords a leaping, and then we have twelve drummers drumming.

I got it though!

No.

I said twelve drummers drumming.

You did say that. Correct.

Was I supposed to name all of them?

What do you think the plural of caboose is?

Cabooses.

I think I got confused.

I think I was in my brain. I went, I only have to name the 12 one, not all 12.

Okay.

I made a mistake.

I made a mistake. And I think that it's okay that you did. And I think that we forgive you for making it.

Seven swans a-swimming, eight ladies dead set, nine golden rings, four French hens, eight calling birds, eight turtle doves, and eight partridge. Okay, we're fine.

The other new segment here is our producer KJ got me this lovely birthday gift. Okay. Belated birthday gift.

Older man puzzles.

I turned one old man putties older. Yeah, you did turn 14 with all of your shitbag friends. But I can't open the present unless I solve the riddle that's on it. So I thought we'd do this on air with the help of you two. Bono the Edge, come on in here you guys.

Larry Mullins Jr. and oh boy, this is awkward. We all know your name, it's Adam Clayton.

It would be so funny if they were here the whole time and were like, just the last 30 seconds.

We are so, we're such big fans. We're thrilled to have you here. If you could just sit through 45 minutes. We're going to dick around for a little while. Of us thinking that some of the answers are animated. Full stop. Here we go. I am loved by a monster and the best thing to put into me is your teeth. What am I? I'm loved by a monster. And the best thing to put into me is your teeth.

Tooth fairy.

She's killed before, she'll kill again.

I'm loved by a monster. What does monster energy drink love? Guarine.

Yeah, it's put me in your teeth.

What else has teeth?

Quarry. Minotaurs. Fillings.

What do you put in a tooth when you fill it? I think it's cookies.

Cookies. KJ, is it cookies? Oh, it's cookies. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. It's loved by a monster? I am loved by a monster.

I am cookie monster.

Oh my God.

I am cookie monster. Hi. Hello. I'm Cookie Monster. Hold on.

Erin's left the studio and Cookie Monster is here.

Well, I gotta see this scene. I gotta see the ram from earlier trying to pick up Cookie Monster. Oh boy. Here we go. We open up on Sesame Street. It's pretty loud in here.

Mr. Elmo! Mr. Elmo's here to be a wingman for Cookie Monster. After you, Cookie! Hi, I'm Cookie Monster. Om nom nom nom nom. What number am I?

Did you know I slept with 99 sheep? 1, 2, 3, 4... Big Bird, what are you talking about? You're crazy, Big Bird. I think it's cookies.

You think it's cookies? Yeah. Well, can we get, how do we know?

Can we get a thumbs up, thumbs down? It's cookies! It's cookies. Oh, yeah. Oh, and there's cookies inside.

Oh, and there's cookies.

It'd be funny if the answer was cookies and then you open it and it's like baby carrots. We should have known that it was cookies because it's in a cookie jar.

No, it's in a nut jar.

No, it's in a nut jar. You're a nut jar.

That's what we call you behind your back. A nut jar?

Wait, wait, wait. Can we try some of these cookies? Can we try the cookie? We're just going to end the episode without people knowing. Like I said before, I'm a mainstay of the podcast community for some time now. And the one thing I know that fans love is eating on air. Yes, they love that. People love the crunch and munch. They love us reviewing cookies on our Riddle podcast. People love the crunch and munch of a podcaster right into that dirty, dirty mic. They want to hear those noises. Well, I'm gluten-free, so I can't have the cookies to begin with. You're gluten-free?

I'm gluten-free, so I can't have the cookies to begin with.

Well, a bully for you.

Oh, no, a bully!

Oh, you can't do that.

Do you want to try one? Here we go. Okay, this is me trying a cookie. Crunch. Crunch and munch. I'm going to describe it. So JPC bit into it. And now I'm flipping him off. He swallowed the cookie whole. It's stuck in his trachea.

He put it in his ear. That's not right, JPC.

Oh.

These are delicious. KJ, compliments to the chef. Did you make these? He's saying yes, and they're poison. And he's doing the line across his neck. Oh, yeah.

OK, so I'll die. Oh, fuck. Of course, you can always send us your riddles or puzzies or quizzes. Or cookies. Or cookies, please. Please send us cookies. Gluten free cookies. But if you send us any gifts or any food, it has to contain a riddle. Otherwise, we will not open it. It has to contain some sort of a riddle. Well, Erin might not have that.

I'll have a little bite.

But you can always email us with submissions for your favorite Puzzle You're Ready that you either know or created yourself. That's at hrrpodcast at gmail.com. Again, hrrpodcast at gmail.com. You can also follow us on Twitter. We're at HeyRiddleRiddle, so check us out there.

And as always, you can email me at hrmartinpodcast at gmail.com. That's where we have George R.R. Martin answer HR-specific questions.

And it takes forever. It takes a long time. JBC, anything you want to plug?

Oh boy, I would just say, oh if you guys are fans of Twitch, you can follow me on Twitch.tv, twitch.tv slash sharkbarkman. We play Overwatch on Monday nights or twitch.tv slash oneshotrpg.

We play Gloomhaven on Thursday nights. Erin, anything you want to plug?

Yes, every Friday at 10.30 at IO Chicago, I'm on a team called Wet Bus in a show called Oh Hell Yeah, and it's really fun and you should come.

And Erin, what is the largest landmass in the world?

Jupiter.

Yep, that's it. Erin, where do boys go to get more stupider?

Uranus.

Wow.

Ooplas and Banoonas.

This has been Hey Riddle Riddle, created by Adal Rifai, starring Erin Keif, and John Patrick Coan, Katie Snyder did the editing, and Artie Perrin did the music.

That was a HeadGum podcast.