Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

Hey! Riddle. Hey! Riddle.

Riddle!

Riddle. Hell yes! This is Hey Riddle Riddle, your one-stop shop for all things Riddies and Fuzzies. We're like the Sam's Club of Riddies. Is that still open? Sam's Club? Yeah, but why would you want to tie us to Walmart?

Riddies and Puzzies.

Riddies and Puzzies. And I'm thrilled to announce that in today's episode, or tonight's episode as it were... Well, whatever you're listening to it. Let's put a label on it. I don't want to muddle time. People should know the exact minute that we're recording this. Yes, that's true. It is exactly 7.54 p.m. So if you're listening to this in the morning, wait until 7.55 and pick it back up.

It's 7.54 p.m. on a Friday. We should make that clear that this is what we are doing on a Friday. This is our life now.

Well, we all want to be here. I'm thrilled to say that Erin is going to be our old woman riddles today.

Old man puzzles.

Old man puzzles.

And you also, we didn't introduce ourselves.

I'm Adal Rifai. J. P.

JPC stands for Jokes, Puzzies, and Clues.

By the way, J.P. Riddles sounds like a knockoff R.L. Stine. Yeah. Did you read that new book by J.P. Riddles? No, it's terrible.

Shut up, nerd. Swan bumps.

I'm J.P. Riddles and these are my swan bumps. Oh, instead of Goosebumps? Swan Lumps. I said Swad Lumps, but who cares? I liked how we changed Swad, but we kept Bubs.

Okay, I have to ask for J.P. Riddles to read us an excerpt from one of his newest books in the series called Swam Lumps.

Swam Lumps. For the Spooky Children series.

You know that thing, the Swan Lumps series. This is my latest Swan Lumps book, but what's the title of the book? The title of the book... Goosebumps. So let's set this, we're all around a campfire and let's have J.P. Riddles read us from his new book.

Wait, we're all around the campfire? Are you afraid of the dark or is this J.P.

Riddles?

Yeah, that's what I said. Gotcha.

Mr. Riddles, Mr. Riddles, read your story.

How do you kids keep finding me? All right, all right, you little perverts. I'll read you a story. This is my latest swan lumps, and it's called Goosebumps. Little Kevin Braverman was a very brave little boy.

Oh, he's aptly named.

And he was also very Kevinly, which as we know means Sweet-ish. Are you saying sweet-ish? Sweet-ish, yes. Like he's kind of sweet? Stop interrupting me, you little shit bird. And Kevin Braverman was constantly being bullied at school. Oh, Kevin Braverman, if you're so brave, you'll go spend a night in the old McMansion.

He's a coward like you, Kyle. He's a coward like you.

I'm a coward. Also, that doesn't sound like bullying. That sounds like he's being challenged.

Yes. Well, one man's challenge is another man's bully. Kevin Braverman thought, I can spend a night in the old place. It's not as haunted as everyone says. So he crept up to the old house.

He crept or creeped? I'm sorry? You said he crept up to the old house. Would it be creeped? What are you, a fucking editor? I am, for the school newspaper. Really? Go Knights!

What's... N-I-G-H-T? N-I-G-H-T-S. Great! Nighttime is when I come alive. Perfect! What do you charge? We should talk. My editor, I think he's fucking screwing me over here. You couldn't afford me.

What happened next? What happened to Kevin Braverman?

Kevin Braverman opened the door, CREEEEAKING door sound!

And walked into the house, CREEEEAKING floor sound!

And, uh, he shut the door behind him, and he went fast asleep. But little did he know, an old author who was very crazy lived in the house. And the author murdered Kevin Braverman with, uh, he clubbed him to death with a fucking book. Because Kevin Braverman and his dipshit little friend would follow the author into the woods at all hours of the night. And the author was just trying to get out there to masturbate because his damn wife won't let him do it in the house.

What was the author's name? What was the author's name? Look at my arm, I have swan lumb.

That author's name, book close, was J.P. Riddle's Club! Club! Club! Club!

We're in a club now, thank you!

I can't believe you gave us these jackets. You're welcome, enjoy! Members only. Members only.

Do you think R.L. Stine's gonna sue you?

What's that? Yeah, I do think R.L.

Stine's gonna sue me, but not for this. Do you think that R.L. Stine, that that's his real name? Like, what do the R and L stand for? Entity Ad Stine? Ron Livingston. Is it? Yeah, Ron Livingston Stine.

Really lame.

That is his real name. I always thought as a kid, because I love those books, I always thought he added Stein to be like Frank N. Stein, R. L. Stein. Like, I thought it was like a bit. I thought it was a... Frank N. Stein, R. L. Stein. Remember, this is a kid thinking this way. Well, yeah, but I don't think you've gotten any smarter. Okay. But I've read all of the Indian in the Cupboard series. Those don't age well. Does that make sense? Yeah, those do not age well.

Let's get the Indian out of the cupboard. Oh boy. Let's move on. Why don't we do some riddles and puzzles, Erin?

Yeah, I'm Old Man Riddles. Old Man Puzzles. I'm Old Man Puzzles today. Old Man Rizzo. Excuse me. And so I'm doing the warm-up. Riddles. I did Google riddles for teens.

Yes.

So we make a little teeny and saucy up in here.

Next week I'll Google riddles for babies.

Teeny and saucy? What are we having, cocktail wieners?

All right, here's your first warm-up riddle. I have no doors, but I have keys. I have no rooms, but I have a space. You can enter, but you can never leave. What am I?

Hotel California.

Yep.

Such a lovely place. Moving on. That's for teens. Teens love the Eagles. If there's one thing I know about kids 13 to 19, it's that they are obsessed with Joe Walsh and The Eagles. The other Eagles, too.

Would you like me to read it again?

Yes. You know, Tom DeLonge. I have no doors.

I have nothing to add to this. I have no doors, but I have keys. I have no rooms, but I do have a space. You can enter, but you cannot leave. What am I?

Keyboard. Yeah, it's a keyboard. That's really great. That's a classic keyboard riddle. I did not know that.

You got it.

Yeah, Adal got it. Well, it's specifically keyboard cat, right? It's a keyboard cat. It's a traditional QWERTY keyboard. It's a G15 gaming keyboard? Logitech?

Does it have hot keys? If anyone listening to this is about to buy a pet, name that pet QWERTY. Oh, for sure. I feel like that's a great name for a cat.

QWERTY, yeah.

QWERTY.

I'm responsible for probably 120 views of the keyboard cat YouTube video. While a cat was outside, it started to downpour. The cat couldn't find any shelter. While a cat was outside, it started to downpour. The cat couldn't find any shelter and got completely soaked by the rain. Yet not a single hair was wet. How could this be?

The hair in this riddle is spelled H-A-R-E, and it's talking about the neighborhood bunnies.

Oh, those neighborhood bunnies.

Chicago has a lot of neighborhood bunnies, yeah.

The other day I felt something run across my foot, and I thought, this better be a neighborhood bunny, and it was a rat.

Oh, now I have to move. The first week I was in Chicago, I was wearing flip-flops and as I was walking, I heard a... And what had happened was... And it was JPC. It was JPC. Hello there. Answer my riddles. I had stepped on a rat because as I was walking in flip-flops, the back of my heel went up, the flip-flop stayed down, and a rat at that exact time ran under it, almost like a miniature golf course windmill. Yeah. Went to run between my flip-flop and my heel, didn't make it, and I stepped down and squished it. My bare foot pressed into it like a stamp press. Hey Riddle Riddle It like walked off, but as it walked away, it walked like it was in the Jamiroquai video. Like it was drunk. Oh, so this is a riddle for teens. You know, kids love eagles in Jamiroquai. But it walked away like it was in the Virtual Insanity video. Like it was disorientated and it had to have died because I pressed down on it so hard. Like its organs had to have been liquefied.

I stepped on an already dead squirrel once, and when I'm sick and I need to throw up, I think of the sensation of how that felt under my foot. It's like stepping on a dead animal or killing an animal with your feet. That is just not good.

Listeners, you know when you kill an animal with your foot. We've all been there.

Well, apparently Erin and I have. Me and my little brother had to... I'm You have to drown it.

You have to hold it underwater for five minutes. Submerge it. Shoot it. Hold it underwater for five minutes.

So, we filled up a wheelbarrow with water, and then we got pitchforks and dropped the trap into the wheelbarrow, but the wheelbarrow wasn't deep enough, so instead we ended up just waterboarding this poor raccoon so it could half-breathe, and it was making the worst sounds possible. Okay, JPC, you win. You win, JPC. It was truly awful. I do also remember that me and my little brother called the police. We didn't call 911, but we called the police. We were like, there's a raccoon trapped in a chipmunk trap at our house. Can we shoot it with a gun? The police were like, no, of course you can't. They're like, you can't have permission to fire a gun in the city. We were like, we really would like to do that.

I love the idea of you, like, on a date in the future being like, tell me about your childhood. Nah, I waterboarded a raccoon.

I also, if I were that police officer, I'd be fucking delighted by that call. I'd be like, more calls like this please.

But it was in Indianapolis, right? Which that has to be, like, the number one call in Indianapolis. Can I shoot a raccoon? Excuse me, can I shoot a raccoon in my yard if it has, if it allegedly has married my daughter? That is number one, and the second call is, is Larry Bird still playing for the Pacers?

9-1-1 is Larry Bird, 9-1-1, Larry Bird is not playing for the Pacers. You answered my question. Thank you, sorry. Wait, can I shoot a record? Talk to you tomorrow. Okay, so a cat was in the rain. A cat's in the rain.

It started to downpour. The cat couldn't find any shelter, got completely soaked by the rain, yet not a single hair was wet. How could this be?

That's a hairless cat. Easy. Oh yeah, it's one of those weird cats. Persian.

You got it.

Yes.

What do teens say?

Chihuahua.

What do teens say when they have trouble with even numbers in their math class?

My wife!

Oh, this is just a joke. This is not, I'm sorry, this is embarrassing.

Was my answer correct? Because I screamed my wife. Teens love Borat, the Eagles. Sweetie, it's time to work on your homework.

My wife! They did 12 years ago.

Yeah, that's true. When I was a teen, we loved saying my wife.

What's the joke?

I'm embarrassed that I read this one.

What's Borat's favorite insurance company? What do teens say when they have trouble with even numbers in their math class?

What do teens say when they're having trouble with even numbers?

Oh yeah, that's a riddle. It's definitely a riddle for teens. Erin, I'm sorry it's come and gone so fast, but we are relinquishing you from the title of Old Man Puzzies. You obviously can't handle the duties.

Well, I should have read through all of these before I... You tried to give us a joke. This one is also not very good. This is the speediest of speed rounds. Are you ready? Yes. What do you find at the end of the line?

E.

There you go.

If you take the red line to Howard, you're gonna find ecstasy.

Or brown line to Kimball, you can find ecstasy there as well. Orange line to Midway. Blue line to O'Hare.

That's where to find the best ecstasy, is O'Hare. And not a single O'Hare was wet. I call the trees my home, yet I never go inside. And if I ever fall off the tree, I will surely be dead.

Call the trees my home, but I'm never inside. If I fall off, I'll surely die. A nut. The cats. They hang in there, cats. It's a leaf, right? A leaf?

Yes, it's a leaf.

Or an acorn.

Or a nut, yeah. Tree nuts.

Okay, I have one more.

Okay, this is the final one. Whoever gets this one wins.

Okay, and this one, it seems pretty stupid. I haven't read the answer yet.

Then I'm gonna go ahead and pre-guess my wife.

Math teacher, I have two apples in one hand, one in the other, and one on my lap, but it doesn't keep the doctor away and cannot be safely eaten. What kind of apples do I have?

Is this math teacher is the one telling me the riddle?

Yes, math teacher, I have two apples in one hand.

Wait, are you math teacher? Are you taking on the role of math teacher? Why would you put an apple in your lap? Like, that's not...

I am a math teacher.

Pretend I am a math teacher. So math teachers in your world just say, math teacher. Math teacher, math teacher.

Mailman. Mother. Any role they play in my life, they announce it before they do it. Math teacher. Math teacher. I have two apples in one hand.

Math teacher is what you say in an old-timey letter instead of stop. Like, I'm writing you this letter.

Math teacher. I have two apples in one hand, one in the other, and one on my lap, but it doesn't keep the doctor away and cannot be safely eaten. What kind of apples do I have?

iPhones. Dick apples.

Apple products, yeah. And nothing matters anymore.

One in his lap. What's the one in his lap? Oh, his laptop? Okay. I thought it was some sort of Apple belt that I didn't know about.

That Apple belt.

It's coming soon, the Apple belt. I feel so frickin' warmed up right now. Oh, good. I'm all jazzed on riddles and puzzles. But yeah, I'm warmed up to like, for jokes. I'm warmed up to tell jokes to teens. What's this podcast?

I wanted you to know that that was the first website that came up.

Welcome back to jokes for teens.

Hey Erin, you're a pretty unique person, would you agree? Yeah, I'm pretty and unique. You're unique. Or are you nitty? Yeah. What do you sleep on?

Sometimes it's just like a bunch of newspapers stacked on top of each other of like when I've been in the news. And sometimes it's JPC. That's a pretty thin amount of newspapers.

Local girl falls downstairs. What? I said local girl falls downstairs. Does it on purpose. Goes to jail. Well Erin, because of your unique pretty makeup, I don't know how to phrase this, you should be sleeping on the Helix mattress that JPC and I got you.

Yeah, yeah, I mean we know that sometimes people have been like don't sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, but they mean don't side sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, don't hot sleep on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, because we know that everybody sleeps different. Well the Helix Sleep Mattress is designed for people who sleep in a variety of different ways.

And you can take a quiz. And it's not the type of quiz that you can fail, so don't worry about that. I worry about that. But it's just a quiz to get to know what kind of sleeper you are.

You took the Helix Sleep quiz, Erin, and you got a don't sleep, right?

The first F ever.

You can find that quiz at helixsleep.com slash riddle. It only takes two minutes, and it's going to match your specific makeup to a mattress that's right for you.

Yeah, that's why they call it Helix Sleep, because it relies on double helix, so you just enter your DNA into the quiz, and then it tells you what kind of mattress is your soulmate, basically.

And it tells you what kind of mattresses your ancestors slept on. I mean, you'll see that in your dreams.

Yeah, that'll be something that, they don't promise that, but that is something that comes in most people's dreams.

And they have a 10-year warranty, and you get to try it for 100 nights, risk-free.

They have a 10-year warranty?

Warren G. Yeah, 10-year Warren G. And 100 nights risk-free.

There is a little loophole here because they say 100 nights, but you also get the 100 days as well.

Oh, do you?

So you can sleep in the mattress 24 hours a day for 100 days.

And for me specifically, for Adal Rifai, those are Arabian days and Arabian nights. That's true. All 100.

And that's not something any of the rest of us feel comfortable saying.

And if you sleep next to a partner, half the mattress can be for you, and the other half of the mattress could be for your partner.

Or, you know, you could do three-quarters. Just with sprawl. With arms and legs. But right now, Helix is offering up to $125 off all mattress orders. That's $125 off. To get your $125 off at helixsleep.com slash riddle. That's helixsleep.com slash riddle for up to $125 off your mattress order. Don't sleep on this deal. That's not theirs. That's mine.

I guess the way I sleep is I clutch a pillow and I kiss it.

Yeah, I do the same thing but the pillow's in between my legs.

How I sleep is, you know when you get someone in that choke hold with your leg?

Oh, like Xena did for James Bond in that movie?

Eye squeeze? Yeah, that's what my blankets do to me.

That's HelixSleep.com slash Riddle. Of course on the pillow I write, not a pillow. So when I kiss it, it makes sense.

Naturally, you're pretty unique.

Helixsleep.com. Slash riddle!

Are you ready for some real, not teen... These are adult riddles? Puzzles and riddles.

I'm ready for these puzzles and riddles.

Shadow discovered Sandy lying on her side in a puddle of water and broken glass. When the doctor arrived, he pronounced her dead. Since Sandy had no cuts on her body, how did she die?

Okay, Shadow found Sandy laying in a puddle with broken glass.

And he said, Sandy? Sandy? Shadow's the nickname of, of course, John Travolta's character in Grace.

Was that a song from Grease?

Oh, Hopelessly Devoted.

I was like, is this Grease 2? What are we singing here?

No, that would have been, I need a girl for all seasons. Good, now I don't know that.

When I was in Greece, I played Jan, the fat one.

Was Jan fat?

Yeah. I think all the jokes are like, Jan, stop. Probably. Wait. Jan, stop eating. Which one was Jan? Was she a pink lady? Yeah, she was a pink lady with the pigtails. Brush em, brush em, brush em. She was fat? Well, all the jokes about how she can't stop, in the play, she can't stop eating the whole show. But the one line I had was, how much dough did he spend?

Yeah, Summer Lovin'.

Yeah, Summer Lovin'.

So, of course she would talk about dough.

Yeah, of course, because she cannot stop eating.

She can't stop eating.

Alright, Shadow.

Sunny was my favorite. I like Knicky.

Doody.

Well, everyone likes Knicky.

No one likes Knicky.

You fucking idiot.

Uh, are we ready?

Yes. Kaniki is the Yankees of Greece.

Did she put up a fight? Who said that? Kaniki said that.

Fuck you. Fuck you, Kaniki. Wait, no, I hate Kaniki.

Lots of do's in it. All right, ready?

Nobody's jugs are bigger than a Nets.

Jesus.

When I was in like grade school, we played like Greece like we did like on the playground in like third grade. We were like dividing up between like which Greece characters we were.

This is Indianapolis again?

Shadow discovered Sandy lying on her side in a puddle of water and broken glass.

When the doctor arrived, he pronounced her dead.

Since Sandy had no cuts on her body, how did she die?

So Sandy is a shandy. The puddle is the spilled shandy in the broken glasses of the beer bottle. Shadow is the shadow of alcoholism that is looming over you. And the doctor? Let's take a look. D-R? What else is D-R? Driving.

Drunk. So... This is that same guy who parked outside that girl's house.

You should teach literature because you are really...

I would if I could read. I don't know. I don't know the answer to this one.

I will give you a hint that one part of this you are going to poke a hole through so fast and you're going to make fun of.

I feel like Sandy is a fish. Try to have a kid. I feel like Sandy is a fish and she's on her side and that's where the gills are. Oh. So like maybe in the puddle there wasn't enough oxygen. The puddle wasn't deep enough for Sandy the fish to survive.

Yeah, but why would a doctor come?

I'm

So, the fish tank was full of Dr. Pepper. Sandy couldn't breathe in Dr. Pepper because a fish can't breathe in Dr. Pepper. So, I'm an idiot.

Can I tell you?

Yeah, I really just don't know the answer to this.

You got it. You basically got it. I was just trying to poke a hole. Yeah, Sandy died of suffocation. Sandy is a goldfish whose fishbowl was knocked over. That's why the glass. What's the whole doctor shit? Yeah, that's why I started laughing when I started reading it, because I was like, they're going to make fun of the fact that this woman's fish died and she called a doctor.

Well, one, let's rate this riddle. I'm going to give that an F. You're going to give that an F?

For fish. Oh, OK. Wow. I set you up for that so hard with that reaction. I'm going to give that riddle a D, for doctor didn't matter. Our rating system is based on a letter of a thing that we want to say, right? Yeah, it's an acronym for greasing.

I'd give it a C-. Four.

So I want to roleplay this and much like calling into the police in Indianapolis, I want to hear this call of someone who dropped their goldfish bowl calling a doctor and trying to convince them to come over.

JPC, let's have you be the doctor. Okay. This is set in Indianapolis, so you can speak from experience. And Erin, why don't we have you be the person who... So let's all feel free to use Indianapolis accents as well.

Absolutely. Which sounds like... If you can do goofy, you can do Indianapolis. No, no, that's Indianapolis accents. Whenever you're ready, Erin.

Dr. Pepper.

Hi, Dr. Piper, I'm so sorry to bother you at home. There's been... I'm sorry, who is this? Jennifer. We're close friends.

Jennifer, we're close friends. Jennifer, yes.

Jennifer, we're close friends. I think we went to high school together.

Yes.

Okay.

We went to high school with Bob, we had a baby pizza boy, correct?

Yep. He was... I'm sorry, we're getting off topic. Okay, so... Could you get over here as fast as possible?

Jennifer, I have a wife.

Uh, please.

We can't do this.

Please, I know. Um, well actually, uh, I have a wife.

I have a house on North Shadeland Avenue.

Speaking of spouses, I think mine has just passed away.

I'm sorry?

My, uh, my husband is a fish and he, um, we were trying to make love.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

My husband is a fish and we were trying to make love and the bowl broke.

Stop. Jennifer, stop.

Yeah.

Were you watching Shape of Water? Is that what was happening?

Me, I was watching Shape of Water.

And you were, okay.

And then I tried to fuck my penis.

And save. Oh man. Nailed it. Dr. Pepper was really the name of a soft drink. I'm ready for the next riddle.

You know it's funny if you have to explain it.

Um, okay. The pile that I got from Old Man Puzzles over here is mediocre at best, so don't blame me.

The pile that you- oh, the pile of riddles.

Yeah, the pile of riddles that he threw at me and said, make do with this.

Old Man Puzzles give young lady riddles a pile of puzzles. Do I have an OMP? Old Man Puzzles give young lady riddles a pile of puzzles.

Are we ready? Yes. Okay, let's do this. Shadow dropped in to visit his friend Captain Frank and found him sleeping on his couch. There was fresh blood on the ceiling above his head but nowhere else in the room. Shadow anxiously woke him to check his condition only to find that everything was fine. How could Captain Frank's blood be in the ceiling but nowhere else?

I love that whoever was editing these was like, let's punch up these names. Tom? No, his name is Shadow. What's this guy's name? Bill?

Captain Frank now. People stop reading halfway through. We've got to make those names way more interesting.

I've been listening to a lot of Billy Joel. Let's call him Captain Jack. No, no, no. Captain Frank.

Captain Frank is a hot sauce. The hot sauce is his blood. It got put on the seat.

Captain Frank is a... So he was sleeping, the hot sauce was sleeping, JTC. Tell me more about how this hot sauce was sleeping.

Captain Frank is a woman. First of all, that's a misnomer. You didn't think Captain Frank was a woman, but she is. Women can be captains. You were anti-Konecki.

Well, Shadow anxiously woke him to check his condition.

Okay, we don't know his pronouns. I feel like Captain Frank, if he's fine but there's blood on the ceiling, either A, his house haunted. Oh yeah, it could be all over the house. But it's his blood. Okay, then he sneezed. Maybe he had a bloody nose and he sneezed?

Have you ever done that? Have you ever shotgunned blood out of your nose with a sneeze?

Oh, I've had three nose surgeries.

You know when you sneeze?

Since I sneezed blood for many years.

What did you have nose surgeries for?

I broke my nose. Yeah, I broke my nose twice.

And then when Erin said that she had three nose surgeries, she did the universal sign for snorting a line of cocaine off of a table.

Yeah.

Yeah. I had a couple of nose surgeries.

I broke my nose.

How'd you break your nose? Both were someone hitting me in the face by accident.

During Grease?

So here's what you did wrong there. You asked for someone to kiss you immediately after your nose had been broken, whereas if you had maybe waited a fucking couple days.

I love it with your nose broken when you said, uh, hard pass. We'll cut that part out. Great.

No we won't, now we won't. Captain Frank has his own blood on the ceiling, but he's okay.

Yeah, you know when you have a bloody nose and you sneeze and it sticks to the ceiling, gets all over the ceiling? We've all been there.

Yeah, we've all been at your house. By the way, you gotta clean your ceilings. Tell me more, tell me more. It's his blood. I mean, in what way do you bleed but you don't get hurt?

You're circling it.

Captain Jack was a woman. We're circling it.

I love period based riddles. She was on her period.

Well that's the greatest riddle of all. A woman's ovulation cycle is the greatest riddle in history.

Not hurt, but bleeding. Oh, bleeding from the tear ducts, like Le Chiffre in Casino Royale.

Captain Frank was a statue of the Virgin Mary, crying blood.

It's blood. It is Captain Frank's blood, but Captain Frank is not hurt.

Oh, he has an open wound. Captain, he was bit by mosquitoes, and then he swatted them while they were sitting on the ceiling.

Yes.

Or they exploded, because they overindulged themselves and exploded from how much blood they drank. It's a mosquito.

Well, baby doll, you got it. Captain Frank had swatted a mosquito that had been feasting on him, that's the word they used, while he tried to sleep. I want to see this role played. Adal, can you be Captain Frank? And can you be the mosquito?

I'm the mosquito.

Yeah, and I'm not going to be in this. You're not going to be Shadow? This is way before Shadow comes in. This is when the mosquito is feasting on Captain Frank.

60 bucks? Yeah, 60 bucks. That's what I get paid to sail a ship every night. I'm a captain, you see. If you want me to suck you, you're going to have to pay a little more than 60 bucks, Franco. What do you want? What do I want? How about I do something for you? What are you going to do for me? You're a human man and I'm a mosquito. Don't you want to suck me? Isn't that what you do?

I want to get paid, motherfucker. Okay? I'm not looking to just suck you for free. I got mouths to feed, and sure, I might only live a couple of days, but I got responsibilities.

Aren't I literally feeding your mouth when you suck me?

Okay. Just suck me. Okay, fine. Fine, Daddy. Fine, Daddy, you're gonna be the- Here I am, Shadow, coming in early.

Swat. Hey. Bonjour. I was sleeping.

Very clear.

Where's my husband? Where is he? He went into that apartment an hour ago. It doesn't take that long to suck a captain.

I love Erin just saying, very clear.

Very clear.

Like someone tries to describe, you walk in on this compromising situation, and it's just like, I was, uh, uh, very clear.

Very clear. No, no, got it. Crystal clear.

Crystal clear.

Do I do one more?

I think we have to do listeners.

Got it.

Well, can I really quick rate that riddle? Yeah. I give that one a B. For blood.

Let's do a listener submitted. You can always submit your favorite Puzzy or Riddy to us at hrrpodcasts at gmail.com. You can also follow us on Twitter. Our handle is heyriddleriddle at heyriddleriddle, so check that out.

And just to clarify, if you send an email to hrpodcast at gmail.com, you will be sending a riddle to my HR podcast. We will discuss your riddle and any sort of sensitive employee information on the podcast.

Absolutely. And also rate us on whatever service you use. If you use iTunes, give us a sweet, sweet rating. If you use Yelp, give us a rating out there.

And if you're listening to this in the middle of the night, give yourself a hug right now.

You've earned it. You've earned it. How do you give yourself a hug in the middle of the night?

Give yourself a little squeeze around your arms and you say, you're okay, you're okay, you're okay.

Oh, my arms are dead asleep.

If it's the middle of the night. Very clear. Yeah, very clear. This week's listener submitted riddle is by Ann K. Sent us this one. Ann K.

's favorite riddle is... Are you sure that word isn't just unk?

Oh, it's from unk, yes. Sorry, it's from my uncle. The riddle is, I'm often held, yet rarely touched. I'm always wet, yet never rust. I'm sometimes wagged, and sometimes bit. To use me well, you must have wit. I'm often wet. Of course you focus on that. I'm often held, yet rarely touched. I'm always wet, yet never rust. I'm sometimes wagged, and sometimes bit. To use me well, you must have wit.

A tail.

You know how tails always wet? Because dogs are always sitting pee.

Yeah, wet tail.

What do we think? Held? I'll give you a hint. Esteem. Full stop. That brings us to our segment. That brings us to our segment, Dead Stop.

Dead Stop with Erin Keif. So something that you just said, Erin, in today's Dead Stop, episode of Dead Stop, was steam.

I said esteem.

Oh, like esteem?

Very clear.

I'll give you a hint. You're both using them right now.

Well, not right now, but you just were using them.

Voices. Mouth.

Closer. Penis.

Closest. Tongue.

There you go. Ding, ding, ding.

Holding my tongue.

It was tongue. Oh, yes. I'm often held, yet rarely touched. I'm always wet, yet never rust. I'm sometimes wagged and sometimes bit. To use me well, you must have wit.

I take issue with that because I'm always touching people's tongues.

That's all we have for you.

What if some of us don't have tongues?

Yeah, you're always touching your tongue with somebody else. Or with a flagpole.

I'm always making out with a flagpole. Harvey Danger. What are teens like?

That's all we have for Hey Riddle Riddle. I'm Adal Rifai. You can check out Hello From the Magic Tavern, Siblings Peculiar, or come to IO Chicago and see Revolver World Nights Tonight.

I'm JPC. You can find me on Twitter at JPSofly. If you're in Chicago, check out Devil's Daughter or World News Tonight at IO Chicago. And you can also listen to me if you're into actual played podcasts on the Campaign Podcast. It's off the OneShot Network.

And I'm Erin Keif, and you should check out Ohelia Friday Nights at I.O. in Chicago. It's with my team Wet Bus, and it's very fun. And sometimes I'm in world news, but you never know when. I'm a fun little surprise.

And Erin, what's your favorite recipe this week?

It's a nice squash apple soup. I'll send it to Adal, and he'll post it on his Twitter.

And where can people find a VHS copy of your high school production of Greased?

Oh, you're going to email my mother? At?

And Erin, as always, what's your favorite planet?

This week, it's Jupiter. Good night, everybody.

Bye-bye.

This has been Hey Riddle Riddle, created by Adal Rifai, starring Erin Keif, and John Patrick Coan. That was a HeadGum Podcast.