Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

It's Hey Riddle Riddle, your favorite podcast featuring puzzles and riddles and lateral thinking problems.

Featuring Adal Rifai, John Patrick Coan, and Erin Keif.

Nice. Wow, I feel like I manufactured so much excitement and then JPC, you really cut me out of the legs.

I was like, Erin, I was looking at Erin and I was like, do I go second or does Erin go second? I couldn't, I couldn't remember.

I don't think it matters.

Oh, well then why did I just fucking stress so much about it?

I would like to be third every time. Okay. Thank you.

Now that you've said that, I'll try to keep to that.

Thank you. We should also do where I say, Hey, JPC, you say Riddle, and then Erin, you say Riddle. Can we try that out? Yeah, sure. No one's going to do that.

Riddle!

That's our new intro. Welcome to all you listeners. We're gonna get started here in just a moment with some warm-up riddles and JPC has been kind enough to take on the role of Old Man Riddles.

Old Man Puzzles.

Old Man Puzzles, who does Puzzies and Riddles. Puzzies and Riddles. Yeah, so I have some warm-up riddles for you guys today. Now, these warm-up riddles... It's 7 p.m. What I got, the way that I got these warm-up riddles was by googling riddles for kids. So I really hope that some of these stump you guys.

How many results just said tricks? Like, did you mean to say tricks for kids?

I said, yeah, I was googling cereals and I came up with these riddles instead. Okay, so here we go. What has a face and two hands but no arms or legs? Unfortunate.

That is a clock.

Is that the right answer? Yeah, it is a clock and the kid is a clock. Are we shut on answers? These are warm-up riddles, pussies. Okay, a little harder. What five letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? Money. What a bad answer to that question.

If you add N-O in front of it.

Oh yeah, that doesn't make any sense. No money. What five-letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? I know.

Yeah. I haven't even begun to think about it.

Martin Short.

Short. Yeah, the word is short. It becomes shorter when you add two letters.

What word begins in... Wait, and these are for kids?

Yeah, these are for kids.

These feel equally hard as adult riddles.

Well, I really am glad that you said that out loud. Okay, are you ready? This is equally hard, I think. What word begins and ends with an E but only has one letter?

I know this one.

Yeah.

Okay, hold on.

Okay, well, so we're holding on.

It's fun when I'm the only one who doesn't know it.

I did this on Offices and Bosses, another podcast I do. You did this Riddle? Yes, Envelope. I did this Riddle, but I posed it and somebody got it, Zach Reno, got it right. He said envelope or envelope. And then Matt Young said I, which is also right. E-Y-E, but also it could just be one letter to the letter I. Oh, OK. Yeah. So it has multiple answers.

Possibly. I mean, I can see that. Envelope.

You can see that?

Envelope.

Thank you. Very, very good one.

Are you proud of me for getting that one, everybody?

I am really proud of you.

OK, thanks.

You got that immediately, and you really threw it out. This one is one of my favorites in terms of riddles.

We don't need a back story on any of these.

Great. This is actually my dad's favorite riddle. This is the last riddle he told me before he left.

Hush, hush, hush.

Three men were in a boat. It capsized, but only two got their hair wet. Why? One was bald.

One was bald.

Yeah, one guy was bald. That's legit the answer to this warm-up riddle.

I was gonna say one guy died. If somebody dies, you're not gonna check their hair.

Yeah, the riddle is that we checked to see if their hair was wet.

It was really nice of those two guys to be friends with that bald guy. That was really nice of them.

What is so delicate that saying its name breaks it?

What is so delicate that saying its name breaks it? Hymen.

One of my least favorite words to hear a human say.

This website is for riddles for kids, so I clicked the show answer, and it turns out it was not hymen.

I disagree with whoever put that on a riddles for kids site. What word is so delicate that saying its name breaks it?

Silence.

Erin, you are absolutely right. You win the warm-up round. And the classic celebration phrase, bingo, bingo, ha-ta-ta.

Yeah, that's from Star Wars.

It's in the cantina.

So, we can't do it anymore.

That's the lyrics to the cantina song.

We're all doing the dance now.

Yeah, the cantina dance. Okay.

So those were your warm-up riddles. Now, the theme of the warm-up riddles was riddles for kids. But we're actually moving from the kids' riddles to some very adult-themed actual riddles.

I thought you were going to say teen riddles, and I got very excited.

So full of angst. I totally should have found some teen riddles. That would have been a very perfect segue.

Here's a teen riddle. Are you happy, Mom?

Honestly, you've been doing this so much that I thought when you said, here's a teen Riddle, you were gonna do a Tom Riddle bit because he was like a teen when he was at Hogwarts. Oh yeah. A real missed opportunity. Real missed. Real MO. Okay, but the theme for today's riddles is going to be murder. Yes, that's right. I'm going to be giving you some murder story riddles. Now, I don't actually know the answers to these riddles either, so I can't participate, but there is one that I did kind of figure out the answer to, so I'll do that one first.

Isn't that how all riddles go? For sure. I'm going to be, if the theme is murder, I'm going to be upset if one of the answers to this isn't crow or crows.

Okay, well I don't know the answers.

Is you telling us the theme going to give away some of the answers, do you think?

No, because murder, these are story problems and a lot of them will say the word murder or like killed or like man was killed.

Okay, so you don't know the answers but just based on the front half of the riddle. It includes murder.

When you say the front half of the riddle, you mean anything that... The hot half. The front half and the back half.

The hot half of the riddle.

Yeah, so the front half of the riddle is the part that other people just call the riddle. The back half is the work, right? Okay. I hate this. I really do. It really is very different being in your shoes here, Adal. Okay, so here we go.

How's it feel to be Old Man Riddles?

Puzzles. Puzzles. Old Man Puzzles, and he sells Riddies and Puzzies. A man is found murdered on a Sunday morning. Call the police. Well, hold on. On a Sunday morning? The next slide. His wife calls the police. So you're already there. You're already doing the first half of this riddle. Who question the wife and the staff. There's a staff, apparently. And are given the following alibis. The wife says she was sleeping. The butler was cleaning the closet. The gardener was picking vegetables. The maid was getting the mail, and the cook was preparing breakfast. Immediately, the police arrest the murderer. Who did it, and how did the police know?

I feel like they all could have just said, just doing my job.

Uh, well, what all of them technically said was, Squawk! It's a living! And then they went about, like, picking vegetables or whatever. Oh, I should have put this as a Flintstone, uh, Riddle.

Yeah, please, yeah.

Oh, oh, okay, wait, read it again. I think I know it.

Well, no, then it'll give it away.

Okay. Read it again.

So, a man is found murdered on a Sunday morning.

Just read what everyone was doing.

His wife calls the police, who question the wife and the staff and are given the following alibis. The wife says she was sleeping, the butler was cleaning the closet, the gardener was picking vegetables, the maid was getting the mail, and the cook was preparing breakfast.

I know it. Do you know it?

No. Oh, the cook did it because on a Sunday morning you would prepare brunch.

Yes, that's true. So it says breakfast here, but we can assume that there was lunch options as well. So let's call it brunch. That's probably a misprint.

The maid was getting the mail. How is mail spelled?

M-A-L-E.

So she's getting the mail.

In parentheses it says killing the mail.

It was the maid. There you go. It was the maid.

It was the maid. Adal, what do you think?

So the maid was getting the mail. M-A-I-L. There's no mail on Sunday.

Correct, Adal. You got there. I didn't even look up the answer to this, Riddle, but I believe that's correct, right? I can. Let's look up the answer. There is no mail on Sundays.

I think it would have been more obvious if it wasn't the maid getting the mail, because that seems a little shoehorned of a job. I wish the wife was getting the mail.

It seems degrading to the maid.

This brings me to an interesting segment that I was going to introduce, and that is pick apart this riddle. This segment we will pick apart why we think that this riddle was a bad riddle. Now Erin brings up an interesting point. The wife should have been getting the mail.

Yeah, like, well, I just think that that's not an obvious thing for a maid to be doing, and that was the immediate red flag for me. It would have taken me, like, one minute longer, maybe, if she wasn't getting the mail.

Do you think maybe we should also change what the gardener was doing?

Yeah, to make it less obvious.

Because the gardener is picking vegetables, which seems pretty one-to-one for a gardener. But if the maid is getting the mail, maybe the gardener should be, like, cutting some spaghetti or something like that.

That seems like the least obvious.

If I want to play this interesting game pick apart, I think the maid might be innocent because one, depending on what the maid had to do the day before, maybe she didn't get to the mail. And two, doesn't FedEx and UPS deliver on Sunday?

That's true.

Or Amazon Prime?

So it says immediately the police arrest the murderer. So the police immediately arrest the maid without really verifying If she had not gotten the mail. Like, if she had to get, if she got Friday's mail or something, she got immediately arrested for that? Where's the due process?

Why do you think she killed him?

Uh, okay, it says the man is found murdered on Sunday morning.

We're gonna figure this out in a little bit of roleplay. So, JPC, let's have you play the maid, and Erin, why don't you be the police officer? I'll also be another police officer, because you can never have too many of those. Are you good cop or bad cop? I'm gonna be the fun cop.

I'll be funner cop, I guess.

I'll be bad cop.

And I am playing the maid, but just so everyone knows, it's a Miss Doubtfire situation where I'm trying to win back the affection of my ex-wife. But I also did kill her new husband, Pierce Brosnan.

Great. I'm going to pooch your maid bit by having the cop sound exactly like Mrs. Doubtfire.

Oh, hello. Oh, hello! Good Sunday morning to you! Good Sunday morning to you!

We're so sorry to hear about the murder! I'm sorry? There was a murder. I know! I'm apologizing! So, what were you doing this Sunday morning? Well, me? I was getting the mail. Gardner was doing something with the vegetables. Yes, and the murder was... the cause of death was a drive-by fruiting. Are fruits vegetables to you? Tomatoes. So you think tomatoes are both vegetables and fruit? I'm a cop, not a fruit scientist. And we're all women, right? Well, I'm wearing a pie. I put my face in a pie, but yes, I'm a woman. I'm a man dressed as a woman doing an impression of a woman.

You did it! You killed the person! Cause the man is only good now! And I done said this! Squawk! It's a living!

And scene.

I feel like that's our strongest one yet.

That's pretty strong.

Put that up on stage? Get some light cues?

Yeah, I don't know. That hurt to do.

Yeah, I don't know about that voice, Robin Williams, huh? Let's deconstruct that a little bit. That's not what maids sound like.

I love that premise.

Also, Mrs. Doubtfire wasn't a maid, she was a nanny.

You might know them as au pairs, Okay, this one I have no idea. Johnny Millionaire? Oh, no, okay. All right, you guys ready?

We've been ready.

That's incorrect. I do know the answer to this one as well.

Wait, The Maid is incorrect?

The Maid is incorrect. Yeah, I looked it up, it is The Gardener, and it said that he was, it was a drive-by fruiting. Okay, this is a great answer. Okay. So, a murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires. The second, assassins with loaded guns. And the third, lions who haven't eaten in years. Which room is safest?

Lion.

So the first one had Rage Against the Machines in it?

Yeah, it had Rage Against the Machines.

You don't want to go in that one because they're so politically loaded that... Well, also... Zack DeLaRocca... What?

Yeah, the lights are out in that room.

Guerrilla Radio.

Guerrilla Radio. So Raging Fires.

Are the assassins real naggy too? Do they have like a bad attitude too?

It says loaded guns and bad attitudes.

I know the answer to this one.

JPC, do you know it? I didn't know the answer to this one yet. This was another one that I read, and I was like, oh, this would be a good warm-up riddle.

It's the maid.

It's the maid.

Yeah, so the- If a lion hasn't eaten in years, it would be dead.

It dead.

Yeah, it'd be a dead lion.

Oh, a lion dead.

But also, this murderer is condemned to death. So he has to die. So I think a worse way to die would be in a room full of dead lions.

Worse than... The fire is definitely the worst.

Yeah, but if... Well... Wait, can you read the first room? How it's phrased?

The first is full of raging fires.

What's going on that it's raging fire?

Well, I don't know, but the fires would go out in a room and then you might die of smoke inhalation, which wouldn't be so bad.

Oh, you don't know that?

No, it's euphoric.

But you're also being burned.

Oh no, it's great. All of my uncles died of smoke. Oh my god, I'm so sorry.

And they called me as they were dying to say this is not so bad.

Well, they called me after they were dead. I can speak to my uncles in the afterlife.

This is a commercial for Ouija boards?

Yes, this is a commercial. Assassins with Loaded Guns though, short and sweet. I would rather have an assassin kill me with a loaded gun than have to eat a dead lion and die of starvation eventually anyway.

I feel like you know that the second room you know is going to kill because they had to take the time to add loaded guns. Yeah. Because some asshole they're like, I'm sure that Riddle started off with like, assassins with guns. And they're like, the second room, because it just said guns. It didn't say loaded guns.

You think this is the second draft of this Riddle.

And it went through a vigorous QA process.

Somebody read it to their son.

The first time the son was like, no, no, no, the fires go out. And so they had to be like, fine, they're raging fires.

What the fuck do you know, Kevin, you little shit?

I'm just saying, fires can go out. Remember when we went camping and the fire went out?

That was your dad.

Because you're not enough of a man to keep it going. Oh, boy. All right. You guys ready for this next one? Yes. How did these lines start?

Well, they haven't eaten in years.

They didn't do anything.

A hunger strike. It was a protest.

I'm confused as to why you need so many assassins. They're not very good at their job if you have to put a bunch of them in a room to kill one person.

Yeah, is that an assassin? Like a firing squad is just like people lined up with guns, but are all of those people assassins? Why can't you just say like people with guns that will kill you?

Yeah, we're under-utilizing these assassins.

Yeah, these assassins. From what I know from movies, assassins are to hire a hitman, to hire an assassin. Assassins are to hire a hitman? You're talking six figures. You're talking six figures to hire an assassin. Oh, I'm sorry. Now, if you hire an assassin and say, wait in this room, someone's going to walk into the room knowing they're going to die and you shoot them, you're not getting enough bang for your buck.

Well, so does the only assassin get paid? The assassin that gets the kill? Because that's kind of how an assassin works, right?

And also, they may not pick that room.

Yeah, those assassins are screwed if they don't pick that room.

Are they on retainer? Are they gonna starve to death? I mean, how long have they?

It's only a matter of time before someone gets an option where you can go into three rooms. There's one room with a bunch of dead lions and a man who starved. There's another room with what used to be fires, but they've gone out. And then we have another room with a bunch of dead assassins who all starved. Okay, cool. A man murders his wife with a knife in their car. Nobody is around to see this. He throws her out of the car, being careful not to leave any fingerprints on her body. Next, he throws the knife off of a cliff into a gorge where it will never be found, and he goes home. An hour later, the police call him and tell him that his wife has been murdered, and he needs to come to the scene of the crime immediately. As soon as he arrives, he's arrested. How do they know he did it?

Wow, this is easy.

I think I know this one.

Are these still riddles for kids?

Yeah, these are like the three easiest of these riddles.

How many more are there? Oh, there's a bunch. Oh, okay. Do you want to take this, Erin?

How did he know where the scene of the crime was if he didn't kill her? That's a very good impression of... Are you happy I took that one out?

That's a very good impression of the riddle. I love your new character, Deduction Witch. British Deduction Witch.

Okay, so yes, that's correct. The police got him with a classic, please return to the scene of the crime. And this man being a complete fucking idiot, just drove back to where he had killed his wife.

And then they said, murderer said what?

Yes.

What? Got you.

Got you, you idiot. I love the fact that the police would show up. The police are so insensitive that they would be like, your spouse died. Meet us at the scene of the crime and then leave and then wait for it? Like, wouldn't they be like, let's come with us, right? And escort him? To the scene of the crime?

Maybe they suspected him. And one detective was like, guys, this will work, please.

Oh, it also says he showed up covered in blood.

It doesn't say he changed his clothes. That's what it is. But isn't like if I'm remembering the movie signs properly, which I always do, it's the When Mel Gibson's wife is pinned to that tree by that car, Cherry Jones as the police officer drives him there to the scene. The cops wouldn't just leave and be like, meet us there.

So why did the aliens invade a planet that's 70% water when they're deathly allergic to water?

For the sake of the movie.

Yeah, well Ibn Shamalan's a fucking idiot.

My mom loves Signs. Really?

I like Signs. And I also like The Village.

Don't get me started on The Village. I love The Village. They just marketed it wrong.

Yeah, they shouldn't have marketed it as a horror movie.

Is your mom a Mark Wahlberg fan? Or is everyone in Boston a Mark Wahlberg fan?

They grew up in the same neighborhood.

Did they really? Are they similar age?

No, my mom's older, I think.

Can we hear an impression of what your mom sounds like when she talks about Mark Wahlberg?

Okay, so this is what now we're getting into some riddles that I do not know. I don't know the answer to.

Can we replace the word murder with something else? Just to kind of add some levity because I'm good.

It's just oh sure I don't know Oh yeah, can you just say loved? The word murdered is in this one. I am gonna replace it with fucked, okay? So it's only in there once and I think it'll make perfect sense.

A woman fucked her husband. Case closed.

A girl was attending her mother's funeral where she met a man. She was very intrigued by the man and she was interested in getting to know him. As she was making her rounds, she realized she had not gotten the man's name or number. Later, when she went to find him, he had already left. A week later, she fucked her older brother to find the man. Hold on, let me get that clean. A week later, she fucked her older brother to find the man. Why? Boy.

How do we start to unpack this?

Isn't this the psychopath test?

I'm sorry?

Like, I've heard this worded in a different way. Like, that's how you can tell if someone's a psychopath.

If they fuck their brother.

If they go, like, so if your mom died and you meet someone at her funeral and then you don't get their number or their name and you want to find another way to find them, how do you find them? And someone's a psychopath, they go, oh, kill my dad, hoping that they will show up.

Hoping that they know the same people.

So you're a psychopath.

Yes.

So you, Erin, to unpack this a little further, you don't like riddles, but you do like psychopath tests.

I do.

So I think if all riddles were phrased to you in terms of it being a psychopath test, you would probably enjoy it much more.

I think you're 100% right.

You should pick up some John Ronson books and check that out. I always wonder how crazy I am. So I think the answer is she killed her brother to have another funeral, hoping the guy would show up again. That's the answer, right? Yeah. Can we see Erin as the... Let's set this at the mom's funeral. Let's have Erin be the daughter at her own mom's funeral. And JPC, this will be a bit of a stretch, but you can play the interesting man.

Okay. Well, I... Burn accepted.

Are you ready? Yes. Wow, sir. I love your monocle and top hat.

Thank you. I got it from a peanut.

Wow.

Sad day, huh? I'm sorry?

It's

Well, one man's Kevin is another man's Susie.

Sorry, Stephanie, sorry to interrupt here. We're burying your mom and you're cackling like it's Christmas morning. Act like you've been there before, huh?

Stephanie, this must be your dickhead brother. Enchante. I'm sorry, I don't speak French, shitbird.

I said my name is Shantae. I'm Shantae.

Shantae, Kevin. You look like a Kevin. Thank you. You look like a little piece of shit. Shitbird.

It's so funny that you say that because I call him shitbird too. Will you wait here for just one moment? I have to go do a thing.

Oh, you don't need to... Wait, what?

Why'd you wink at me?

I winked at the wrong person. The wink was meant for me, Shantae.

You know what, Shantay, let's talk about this in a week, huh?

Sounds good. Nice to meet you.

Squawk!

It's a live!

Shitbird is so funny.

Shitbird is a good nickname.

Shitbird is what McNulty calls people on the wire.

Really?

Yeah.

And there's that movie about the androids, the Shitbird Wives.

Shitbird Men?

Shitbird Wives.

I've only watched the first season of The Wire. Should I keep going?

Yes. Yeah, if only to hear McNulty call people shitbirds a little more.

Cool.

Ice-T is the name of this one. Two girls ate dinner together.

Wait, is this like a, what's that show Ice Season?

Law and Order, SVU. This is an SVU episode. Okay. Murder does not end in this one, so I'm just gonna work the word fucked in somewhere else. Yeah. Two girls ate dinner together.

Wow, surprised. You restrained yourself.

Yep. They both ordered iced tea. One girl fucked them very fast and had finished five in the time it took the other to drink just one. The girl who drank one died while the other survived. All of the drinks were poisoned. How did the girl who drank the most survive?

I think I know, but I wish, I hope it's not this answer.

So one girl chugged a ton of iced tea. The other one drank one glass.

And the girl who drank one died.

Is it possible she peed at the boys?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I have to introduce a new segment to Hey Riddle Riddle called Dead Stop. Dead Stop is a segment where no matter what is happening, we take a dead stop to investigate something that Erin, and yes, it only applies to Erin, just said. Is it possible she peed? Out the poison.

Is it possible she peed out the poison?

You know when you drink poison and you pee it out, you're fine?

Because when you pee out poison, it doesn't go through your digestion tract, it just... You know how like if you're on the beach and you get stung by a jellyfish if you just pee it out? You just pee on yourself.

If you pee on yourself, it's fine. You just pee out the poison. Not because pee contains any neutralizing agents, but because you just pee it out.

All I'm saying is five glasses of iced tea go right through you. That's true.

If you're ever hit with a tranquilizer dart, like on accident, like they're hunting a bear and it hits you with a tranquilizer dart, if you shit your pants immediately, you shit that trank right out. That is fact. That is, I think that that is correct.

What

Is that how that works? Doesn't it all go through you? Wouldn't you soak up the poison?

If you peed it out, it would have been absorbed.

Yeah, right? Well, but sometimes your pee is a different color because you didn't drink enough water.

My pee is bright orange right now. Mine's consistently a deep red. This is an overshare, but I'm fine. I have a UTI right now. Thanks. Thank you.

That means university, correct?

Yes, it does. I go to UTI.

That's my favorite riddle. A man walks up to a woman and says, UTI? And she goes, no, I'm 2 Chainz.

That's a riddle for kids. I saw that one. The medicine makes your pee orange. All the women in the world will know that. But I always forget, and then I pee, and I think I have to go to the emergency room.

So do you take the medicine once a day?

Yeah.

If you took the medicine super fast, just drank five things, would it kill you?

I wouldn't die. Again, this is the podcast Piss Talk. Yeah, this is Piss Talk. I have two answers, but they're both unsatisfactory. One would be the first woman who drank all the iced tea is like 1,200 pounds.

So it does say that one woman is very fat. Okay. No, it doesn't say anything about that.

So it's the idea of like when Andre the Giant drinks beer, like he could drink a case of beer and not get drunk, right? Well, no.

Because the bigger you are, the less... Because he's dead, so he can't drink anything.

That's right, that's right.

Of course. That's my riddle.

The other answer would be like a princess bride situation, where the first woman poisoned the second, but she built up a tolerance to iocane powder, which is tasteless and odorless. Tasteless and odorless, yeah.

What if it's a different kind of poison?

But she drinks five times as much iodine powder.

Maybe it's a poison that the more you drink it, the more it's diluted. You know those poisons? Oh, yeah.

Reverse poisons. Bizarro poisons. I forgot about that.

One is, what if one is poison poison? Isn't alcohol sort of poison? Maybe one is alcohol. So they're Long Island iced teas. Yeah, for one girl. The other one has poison in it.

This is a riddle that like a Christian church might use to like dissuade kids from drinking.

And here's a little rap about marijuana.

I did, I did get this. I did get this riddle from ChristianRiddles.Church.

That would do it.

Dot Church!

Dot Church!

While you guys were coming up with some very bad answers to this question, I think I landed on the right answer. What is it? But I'll read you the riddle one more time because I can read the riddle and I read it and that's why I think I got it. Two girls ate dinner together. They both ordered iced tea. One girl drank them very fast and had finished five in the time it took the other to drink just one. The girl who drank one died while the other survived. All of the drinks were poisoned. How did the girl who drank the most survive? I can give you a hint, but it will give it away. That's not a hint, that's an answer. What's that?

Does that have something to do with their food?

Well, how could it? Because I didn't read anything about their food. No, I know, but... No, but it has a lot to do with their drink. That's a pretty good hint.

One of them was a raspberry iced tea.

One was with a straw.

I'm gonna double-check to make sure that I think, because I do think I have this right. You're out of ideas.

Well, so it says that the... Well that sounded accusatory.

Yeah.

I'm just being aggro. I'll let you guys know the answer.

I want to know.

You want to know the answer? Yeah. The poison was in the ice.

I thought that, and then I thought, but didn't they both have ice in their drink?

Yes, but one person drank theirs so fast that the ice didn't have a chance to melt.

Oh, Erin. Oh, Erin!

This brings me to a very important statement on the show. Erin is disappointed in herself.

I was about to say ice, and then I said that was gonna be such a dumb answer.

Can we roleplay this?

Erin being disappointed in herself? No, no, no. We'll roleplay this. So Erin and Adal, you are both out to dinner. Adal, you are going to play a woman because that's what the scenario requires. But if I hear a Mrs. Doubtfire voice, I'll be very disappointed. Yeah, makes sense. And I'll play the waiter who's bringing you your iced teas. Okay, and an iced tea for you and an iced tea for you. Can I get you anything else? No, we're all set.

Thank you.

Great. Thank you.

Thank you so much! I'm sorry? Thank you so much.

Hey Gloria, can I ask you something? Yeah. That's like your sixth or seventh iced tea. Can you slow down a little bit? You're being a little drink piggy.

I can't help it. I'm trying to pee out a UTI. Those things are basically just poison in your body. I gotta pee it out.

Can I tell you my favorite riddle I just heard recently? What? A man walks up to a woman and says, UTI? And she goes, no, I'm two chicks. Do you get it?

Drink your drink.

Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt. I'm the manager. I'm the manager of this restaurant.

You don't mean to interrupt, but you did.

You're the waiter and the manager?

Interrupting someone by saying, I don't mean to interrupt, doesn't excuse you from interrupting? Does that make sense? Like if I punch you and said, don't mean to punch you.

Well, I didn't punch you. I interrupted by saying, excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt you.

Slurpee, slurpee, slurpee, slurpee. Could I have another iced tea, please, when you get the chance? Thanks so much.

I am not the waiter. The waiter is a man who looks very much like me. I'm a very interesting man, and I am a different person.

Where'd you get that top hat in Monaco?

A peanut. I am the manager of this hotel bar. Uh, I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself, but I did overhear you had a... You could help yourself. A joke about T.I. and 2 Chainz. Exactly. It's all the rage. It's the hottest riddle right now. I... as... My official capacity is manager of this hotel bar, but I also happen to be the joke commissioner for the greater Chicago area. Oh, I've been meaning to write you.

I have so much content to run by you.

Don't you feel so silly for being so rude to me just now? No. Well... I wanted to award you with this certificate for best joke.

Slurpee, slurpee, slurpee. Could I have another iced tea whenever you get a chance?

Would you also like a slurpee? You keep saying that. I can tell you I'm not the waiter, I'm the manager of this hotel bar.

Oh, I don't feel so hot.

Oh, I've heard this one. Poison, poison, poison. No, I don't feel so hot. Poison, poison, poison. Two chains. Let me give you a hint. Rose has its thorn. Hot in her... Oh boy, I love these rap jokes.

It's a living!

Do we have time for another?

A woman shoots her fucked husband, then holds him under fucked water for 5 minutes.

A little while later, they both go fucked out and enjoy a wonderful fucked dinner together. Can you restart? How can this be fucked?

Can you read it again?

So she shoots her husband? Yeah, sure. A woman shoots her husband, then holds him underwater for five minutes. A little while later, they both go out and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

This is The Shape of Water. The woman is the woman from Shape of Water.

Okay, yeah, that's correct.

What else?

She shoots him with medicine. She shoots a movie with him in it.

They're shooting heroin.

She shoots him up with heroin and then holds him underwater for five minutes.

Well, you can hold somebody under... I've been under a waterfall for ten minutes, but that doesn't mean I'm drowning.

Why?

Why were you under... Were you hiding from a leprechaun?

Why? Hawaii. That's like their Pure Michigan.

Why Hawaii? You've been under a waterfall for 10 minutes? Sure.

That's too much water pressure in your head.

That's why the top of my head is flat. If you hold somebody underwater, it doesn't mean that you're right.

So yeah, then hold him underwater. Now, I think that that means completely submerged, like not just legs. Like you can't just hold someone's legs underwater.

So a woman shoots her husband, holds him underwater for five minutes. Sure. And they both, her husband's Houdini.

It says a little while later, they both go out and enjoy a wonderful magic show together. How can this be? Her husband's Houdini. How would they enjoy? Oh boy. And what's that dinner, you know? What's the dinner? They say they enjoy a wonderful dinner. What if that's the riddle? A woman shoots her husband and holds him underwater for five minutes. A little while later, they both go out and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be? And the riddle's asking, like, how can a married couple have a good night out?

Anna Bone Ribeye or Portia in a Foie Gras? How could a married couple enjoy a dinner?

You craft the menu, I think, is what they're asking.

They didn't talk about their relationship.

I don't think he's getting shot with a gun.

Okay. What else do you get shot with? Medicine? Heroin? Shot.

You're shooting a movie.

Shooting a movie. He gets shot. He gets shot.

He takes a shot.

Shot through the heart.

It's Bon Jovi. He's Bon Jovi. Can the answer be Bon Jovi to all these riddles?

She holds him underwater and he's slippery.

When wet.

Oh, what if What if they're like holding each other in a pool? Nobody look at me.

You know when you're in a pool with a loved one and you both go and you submerge yourselves for five minutes and hug?

No, like you're hugging under the water.

It's like they're at a sybaris.

What if they're under a waterfall hugging a hot dog?

In their hotel room is a martini glass jacuzzi. Holds him underwater.

That could just mean that they're below water.

What if they're in a submarine?

A woman shoots her husband. She shoots him in the face. She shoots him with that stuff that you have to shoot people with so they don't get the bends when they come up from pressure, and then holds him underwater for five minutes. Oh, what if it's scuba diving?

Who wrote this riddle? Jules Verne?

Yeah, what if they're scuba diving?

Let me check. The author says... Oh, yeah, the author says Jules Verne wrote this.

You just looked me dead in the eyes the whole time.

Yeah. Yeah, let me check this. I was giving you the finger, too.

I think that's probably it.

A woman shoots her husband, then holds him underwater for five minutes. So they're scuba diving. He gets the bends. That can't be the answer to this riddle.

Well, I gotta know at this point.

Okay, okay. Let's see. The answer to this riddle is the poison was in the ice. What? She shot her husband with a camera and then developed the photo. Oh. Holds him underwater for five minutes.

I knew it was a camera. I said that. Shooting a movie.

You said shooting a movie.

I said shooting, like shooting with a camera.

She's misusing those pronouns. Oh yeah, so basically what needed to happen... You don't say, like, I was just... JPC, I was just holding him the other day. Yeah.

Oh, you saw him? No, I was holding up his photo. So the husband needed to be more clear with what his pronouns were. Yes, exactly. And then if we had clarified that, then it would have been an easier riddle to solve.

Honey, I developed a photo of you. Now let's go have a wonderful meal. What a good day it is to be us, and me, and you!

Oh, married life. The door was ajar. Can you imagine? Can you imagine?

Susie and Kevin.

Susie and Kevin. Hey, glad to see those kids made it.

And for our final portion, what we'll do is we usually read a riddle or puzzle or lateral thinking problem sent in by a listener. You can always email us at hrrpodcasts at gmail.com to submit your favorite riddle. We might read that on the air and try and solve it. But we're lucky enough today to be joined by one of my favorite people in the world and someone I know who is deeply intelligent and interesting, Mr. Tommy Marangi's

Wow, normally when people say things like that, I'm like, oh, could you say that into the mic? But you did, so I appreciate that. Yeah, I did.

I literally said it into the mic. I'm always self-conscious about saying merangies. Did you, as a child and now adult, would you say merangies like phalanges or some sort of...

I should, but when I was in high school, I had a friend that I had to pass papers through, erase merengues and write phalanges.

Did you work at Ellis Island?

On every... No. That's a weird question.

Wait, your friend would erase your name and write phalanges?

He would erase merengues and write phalanges.

Doesn't sound like a friend.

And he did it on every... He, like, it was the sort of bit where it was funny, and then it wasn't funny, and then because he stuck with it, it came back around.

I don't know anything about that.

But I like this guy. Tommy, tell us what you work on, what you do, what's going on with you.

I probably am most well known for the board game I made called Secret Hitler, which if you haven't played it, you probably don't need to anymore.

It's led to some of the most fun fights in my life.

Oh good. Put that on the box for the next one. Fun Fights.

Yeah, make a game called Fun Fights.

Ooh, a Fun Fight. It's sort of a Jumanji situation out in the world. We're trying to put it back, but we haven't won it yet. I'm working on a new game that's based on the Voight-Kampff test from Blade Runner.

Which I've demoed, and it's fucking phenomenal.

Good. I'm glad to hear that.

Especially for everyone, but I think especially since I'm an improviser, it was a really fun right in my wheelhouse of like, this is challenging and fun.

I'm really glad to hear that. And we're trying to write it so that people of all sorts of skill levels can do that. So I'm glad you found something in it, because there are a lot more crutches than you needed. So yeah, people can learn more about that at robots.management. And I, in another lifetime, had a character called Philosophy Bro. I did kind of what you guys are doing, but with riddles that we don't know the answers to. They're just riddles where everyone's like, oh, I actually don't know.

To be clear, we don't know the answers to any of these riddles either, even after discussing them.

Have you guys considered philosophy then? So thank you for coming in. So why don't you, we spoke out in the hallway, so I know the answer to the riddle you're about to pose, but why don't you pose to JPC and Erin the riddle that you have?

Yeah, what gets wetter and wetter the more it dries.

Okay, so I know that this is sexual because I've heard wetter and wetter. So that has to be the answer. Now I am fully invested in that track of thinking. What gets wetter and wetter the more it dries? Dude, I know it. Locked in.

Okay, JPC has an answer.

I feel like I've heard this one before and now my brain is... I think maybe I've heard this before too, because I got locked into it pretty fast. And Erin, I'll give you a hint. I was way off with the sex thing.

Okay.

Depends on where your kinks or proclivities lie.

Yeah, I do not want to sex shame anyone with my response to this riddle. So it's true.

Okay, let me think. Oh, now I'm the only one who doesn't know. Okay.

Here, I'll give you maybe a hint. Yep. So I'm Middle Eastern. What's something I might wear on my head? Oh, God.

Oh, okay, so it's drying someone else. It's keeping someone dry.

What gets wetter and wetter the more days?

An umbrella.

You know the Middle Eastern term, you old umbrella head?

A towel.

I just want these umbrellaheads out of my country.

Yeah, the golf umbrella from Space Jam.

That's the correct answer. A towel.

I was gonna say a big shaggy dog, so I was wrong. A towel makes way more sense. It's Beethoven. I was locked in with big shaggy dogs.

But also, umbrella works too.

Yeah.

Well, yeah, I guess it is.

Well, an umbrella doesn't make you

This is like the earliest riddle I have a memory of where I read it and I was like,

Yeah, I was like eight, and it was sort of a harbinger of, like, the way I would be as an adult, too. I read it, and I was like, what do you mean it gets wetter as it- that doesn't- They're the opposites if it's heading in what it can't also What the fuck is going on here, and then I read the answers like oh shit is the world just a lot of this Yeah, a lot of double meaning.

I won't pick up on that's how I feel about all riddles right even now still I love picturing eight-year-old Tommy like with a bookmark in infinite jest being like but this riddle I

The Hobbit, right? Like, all of those riddles are like, yeah, alright, an egg, fine, treasure, it's gold, it's a metaphor. But this was the first riddle that was explicitly, like, what made it a riddle was the contradiction. You're like, God. Yeah.

Yeah. The immediate frustration as a child to be like, this, this not a thing.

Yeah, and it wasn't much longer before I recognized, like, that's a me problem and not an everyone else problem.

Yeah, I mean, but it's also, like, not universal. I mean, it's not exclusive to you. Like, that's the whole point of that riddle is to be, like, frustrated by how easy the answer is and, like, eh, contradiction.

And Tommy, you had another one, right? This is another influential riddle in your life?

This was when you were like, can you think of a riddle? I went to look it up with some searching, and there were lots about the subject. That's all I'll say.

I mean, can't be incredibly influential if you had to fucking look it up.

It sounds like you said incredibly influential and he said, can you think of a riddle?

To be fair, I just said, do you have a riddle for me? And I shoehorned in influential.

Right. I said maybe 20% of the one that I could think of. And you're like, perfect.

I wanted to give some gravitas to that. Let's do it.

Your vetting process is all over the place.

Okay. So the other one is, until I'm measured, I'm not known, but you always notice when I have flown.

Until I'm measured, I am not known, but you always notice when I have flown. And you know this one, Adal? You know the answer? I actually didn't.

Wait, yes, I did know this one. I actually didn't. Oh, wait, no, I'm very smart. I'm smart. I'm just surprised once he said- Oh my god, there's two adults here. Until I measured, I'm not known.

Yeah, I'm a natural mimic. For the listeners at home. I just have to hear some dumb asshole squawking for a little while, but it's just instantly slipping into it.

2022 has been a good year for you all.

Again, this is Dumbasshole Squawking. Email us at dumbassholesquawking at hotmail.ca.

No better way to describe Adal than squawking.

Measured, not known.

Until I'm measured.

Until I'm measured.

I am not known.

I'm not known.

But you always notice when I have flown.

It's the length of your penis.

That's what I was gonna say. Immediately right out the gate I was gonna say the length of my penis.

How pedestrian.

Oh boy. This is difficult. So, flown makes me think it has to be some sort of bird.

That's the only thing that flies, right?

I think that's a good approach to riddles. Can you say it one more time? Until I'm measured, I'm not known. But you always notice when I have flown.

Okay, so my thought is that it's an arrow of some sort, but that doesn't quite How many types of arrows do you know of? How many Avengers movies have you seen? I play D&D, I know plenty of types of arrows.

Cold Steel I play D&D with you, and I'm an archer, and I know one.

You don't know one, but I know all of yours.

Can I buy some pointy arrows?

Cold Steel, adamantium. Okay, I know two types.

It's the word flown that's bothering me.

Oh, sure. Can we get a different word? Erin doesn't agree with that.

I don't like that.

Besides birds, what flies?

Airplanes. Time. Time. Damn it.

Yeah, time. Yeah, it's time. It's always time.

It only flies when you're having time.

It's time or death or whatever. It's always this fucking... riddles are bullshit.

What is death but not a construct of time?

Yeah, that's true.

When death is portrayed in movies, shouldn't it just be like a cloak with like a clock for a face? Wouldn't that be ominous?

He usually has an hourglass with him, in addition to his sight.

Well, yeah, but who doesn't? That feels like a riddle from The Hobbit. Is that not in The Hobbit, that time riddle? Is the answer to one of those Hobbit riddles time? I think so. Okay. It is not that one. It's not that one, but there is like a time riddle in there.

About wearing down a mountain and turning homes to sand. Yeah, yeah. Which is, that's what I said when Abel was like, do you know a riddle? I was like, something about mountains and sand. Anyway, it's time. And he was like, perfect. You're right. Oh my god, that's so influential.

First I said, do you know a riddle? And Tommy just goes, Tom. And gave me a little wink. And I was like, ugh. Dead silence.

Probably HP heads out there.

Harry Potter.

Is this the first Tom Riddle reference we've made in this podcast? Probably not.

Tommy, thank you so much for coming on. Thank you for having me. Thanks, Tommy. I hope to be back soon. We hope to have you back. Okay. Bye, everyone. Check us out. Again, hrrpodcasts.gmail.com. You can email us or follow us on Twitter at heyriddleriddle, the handle. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye.

This has been Hey Riddle Riddle. Created by Adal Rifai, starring Erin Keif, and John Patrick Coan. KB Snyder's in the editing, and Ari Perrin's in the music. Logo created by Emily Cardenas and Emeline Morris.

That was a HeadGum Podcast.